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1
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:09,519
'Hello?' Hey, Rob, it's Steve.
'Oh, hiya. How are you?' Good. Good.
2
00:00:09,521 --> 00:00:13,960
Listen, are you free next week
to go away?
3
00:00:13,961 --> 00:00:17,800
'Where?' It's kind of a tour,
a restaurant tour, good restaurants.
4
00:00:17,802 --> 00:00:19,881
'Right. Why me?'
5
00:00:19,882 --> 00:00:21,961
Mischa can't come and I
don't want to go alone.
6
00:00:21,963 --> 00:00:27,442
I've asked other people
but they're all too busy.
7
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:30,443
It's a job, I'm not asking you
to go on holiday with me
8
00:00:30,444 --> 00:00:31,563
or anything weird.
9
00:00:31,564 --> 00:00:35,723
It's for the Observer Magazine.
So, do you want to come?
10
00:00:35,725 --> 00:00:38,764
This programme contains
some strong language
11
00:00:38,766 --> 00:00:42,406
CHURCH BELL TOLLS
12
00:00:44,167 --> 00:00:47,366
It's incredible,
everybody wants to work with you.
13
00:00:47,367 --> 00:00:53,966
I get a call from Wes Anderson,
Noah Baumbach, Todd Haynes, Alexander Payne, all of them.
14
00:00:53,968 --> 00:00:57,767
They're all auteurs.
Yeah. And they're all geniuses who want to work with The Genius.
15
00:00:57,769 --> 00:00:59,528
I want to do mainstream movies.
16
00:00:59,529 --> 00:01:02,728
Well, Farrelly brothers
want to work with you, OK?
17
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:06,729
The Scotts - Tony and Ridley,
want to do a movie together.
18
00:01:06,731 --> 00:01:10,010
They want to do a thing with you
where it's 500 years in the past
19
00:01:10,011 --> 00:01:13,370
and you're some guy who's like
a warrior who came out of,
20
00:01:13,372 --> 00:01:16,931
I don't even know what it's like
but they want to do it with you. OK?
21
00:01:16,932 --> 00:01:21,731
Coens calling up. Wachowskis,
both of them want to work with you.
22
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:24,772
All the brothers, my man,
all the brothers... It's like...
23
00:01:24,774 --> 00:01:26,413
Want a piece of Coogs.
24
00:01:26,414 --> 00:01:28,173
I can't believe it's happening.
25
00:01:28,174 --> 00:01:29,973
Well, Steve, guess what?
26
00:01:29,975 --> 00:01:32,254
Wake up. Smell the coffee.
27
00:01:32,255 --> 00:01:34,134
The dream is happening right now.
28
00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:36,174
You're living the dream, Steve.
29
00:01:36,176 --> 00:01:38,415
It's all a dream.
30
00:01:38,416 --> 00:01:41,295
Come back! Wait. Come back.
31
00:01:41,297 --> 00:01:44,136
Can't, I've got a thing.
32
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:47,177
I don't think I'll talk to you
later, but at some point. OK?
33
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:01,299
Bye.
34
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:03,340
Bye.
35
00:02:10,942 --> 00:02:12,861
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
36
00:02:12,862 --> 00:02:17,341
I thought we'd go up to Dunsop
Bridge, up to through the Trough
37
00:02:17,343 --> 00:02:21,022
of Bowland, through Abbeystead,
get on the M6 at Junction 33
38
00:02:21,024 --> 00:02:27,144
and then off at Junction 36 a bit
further up, and that will take us almost all the way to Cartmel.
39
00:02:29,505 --> 00:02:34,424
Did you ah, did you cement
Anglo/Polish relations?
40
00:02:34,426 --> 00:02:39,425
There was a summit in my bedroom.
41
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,426
I won't go into detail but there
were more than talks about talks.
42
00:02:42,427 --> 00:02:48,026
In fact, I'd go as far to say
there was an historic accord.
43
00:02:48,028 --> 00:02:52,507
"What joy it was to be alive,
but to be young was very heaven."
44
00:02:52,509 --> 00:02:55,468
That's Wordsworth I think, going
on about the French revolution.
45
00:02:55,470 --> 00:02:59,829
That was when he was younger,
before he started going on about daffodils.
46
00:02:59,830 --> 00:03:04,909
< SHEEP BLEAT
47
00:03:04,911 --> 00:03:08,830
This is a wild and windy moor.
It is. Misty moor, but you know.
48
00:03:08,832 --> 00:03:10,431
Christy Moore. Christy Moore.
49
00:03:10,432 --> 00:03:12,511
Bobby Moore. Dudley Moore.
50
00:03:12,513 --> 00:03:16,713
Roger Moore. Dudley and Peter.
Peter and Dudley. Oh, god.
51
00:03:18,754 --> 00:03:23,353
? Out on the wild and windy moor
52
00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:26,274
? We'd roll and fall in green
53
00:03:26,275 --> 00:03:31,194
? You had a temper like my jealousy
54
00:03:31,196 --> 00:03:34,435
? Too hard, too greedy. ?
55
00:03:34,437 --> 00:03:38,516
PHONE RINGS
56
00:03:38,517 --> 00:03:45,516
Hello. 'Hi.' Hi. 'It's me.
Where are you?'
57
00:03:45,518 --> 00:03:50,437
I'm, er... We're just
in the Trough of Bowland, heading towards...
58
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,718
Cartmel. Cartmel.
59
00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:54,439
To... 'Can you talk to Joe?'
60
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,879
What? 'It's just that he's getting
a bit out of hand...'
61
00:03:57,881 --> 00:04:00,440
Is he? 'He was drinking
last night.'
62
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:05,240
For Chrissakes. 'One of his
friends' parents called me to complain about his behaviour
63
00:04:05,242 --> 00:04:08,681
'and he's been really ill this
morning and won't go to school...
64
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:13,122
So I need you to talk to him
because he doesn't listen to me at the moment.'
65
00:04:13,123 --> 00:04:15,282
OK, I will do that today.
66
00:04:15,284 --> 00:04:18,723
'Can you do that today?' Yeah.
Yes, I will do that today.
67
00:04:18,724 --> 00:04:20,923
How's Mi-mi? 'Well, I've got to go.'
OK.
68
00:04:20,925 --> 00:04:24,005
Right, bye. 'Bye. Thanks.'
69
00:04:26,286 --> 00:04:33,125
Well, it's none of my business,
but I thought she was very unreasonable.
70
00:04:33,127 --> 00:04:39,966
Catherine manages to put me
on the back foot from "hello" with extraordinary skill.
71
00:04:39,968 --> 00:04:42,087
This is what they say about
L'Enclume.
72
00:04:42,088 --> 00:04:47,367
"Chef Simon Rogan has moved from
his original pledged allegiance to Marc Veyrat." Who's he?
73
00:04:47,369 --> 00:04:48,448
Don't know.
74
00:04:48,450 --> 00:04:51,569
"Delivering instead in rapid
succession, dishes that have
75
00:04:51,570 --> 00:04:57,209
"left reporters mightily impressed,
not only by the tastes, textures and often bizarre combinations,
76
00:04:57,211 --> 00:05:01,330
"but also by the extraordinary level
of innovation and technical skill."
77
00:05:01,332 --> 00:05:04,772
See technical skill because
it's a taster menu. Interesting.
78
00:05:06,613 --> 00:05:08,932
Do you like taster menus?
I'm not sure.
79
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:13,012
I do. I think when they're good
they're really good.
80
00:05:13,014 --> 00:05:15,894
And when it's not done well
it's very frustrating.
81
00:05:26,976 --> 00:05:30,295
FRENCH ACCENT: There we have some
little canapes to begin with.
82
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,576
A little duet of
tapioca based crackers,
83
00:05:32,577 --> 00:05:36,736
spiced popcorn and the lollipops are
made out of duck fat with peanuts.
84
00:05:36,738 --> 00:05:40,097
Thank you very much. Check on
two covers, lunch menu please.
85
00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:44,179
Oh, that's a big piece of popcorn,
isn't it. Very nice.
86
00:05:49,460 --> 00:05:52,859
I like that as well.
An enormous green quaver.
87
00:05:52,861 --> 00:05:55,220
Duck fat lolly. Well, why not?
88
00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:57,500
It's just like my comedy,
it's familiar,
89
00:05:57,502 --> 00:06:00,541
we all know what a lolly is, but
something very different about it.
90
00:06:00,542 --> 00:06:04,102
And, like lollipops, something
we enjoyed a long time ago.
91
00:06:05,783 --> 00:06:06,822
Hmm.
92
00:06:06,823 --> 00:06:10,183
CLATTER OF KITCHEN UTENSILS
93
00:06:13,144 --> 00:06:15,823
Listen to this.
It's about Warren Beatty, right.
94
00:06:15,825 --> 00:06:21,224
"Peter Biskind, Beatty's new
biographer, estimates that the famously seductive star
95
00:06:21,226 --> 00:06:27,706
"of Bonnie and Clyde, has notched up
12,775 sexual conquests.
96
00:06:28,747 --> 00:06:31,747
"He slept with an average
of 246 women a year."
97
00:06:32,548 --> 00:06:35,347
Well, 365 days a year, that's what?
98
00:06:35,348 --> 00:06:40,347
120 days a year off,
that's every weekend off
99
00:06:40,349 --> 00:06:43,308
if he does it every week day
and gets his weekends off it's...
100
00:06:43,310 --> 00:06:48,229
Yeah. Achievable. Well, Port Talbot
has a population of 30,000.
101
00:06:48,231 --> 00:06:52,350
That means he slept with
half the women in Port Talbot.
102
00:06:52,351 --> 00:06:54,590
Well, half the population
are men so...
103
00:06:54,592 --> 00:06:57,951
So he slept with all the women
in Port Talbot. Mmm.
104
00:06:57,952 --> 00:07:01,432
Which I wouldn't wish on anybody.
No. No.
105
00:07:12,395 --> 00:07:16,234
There we are, gentlemen. To begin
with we have a nice little appetiser.
106
00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:20,754
We've got liquor made out of mallow
leaves, topped with a fizz which
107
00:07:20,756 --> 00:07:23,635
is made out of ginger beer,
whiskey, as well as chilli.
108
00:07:23,637 --> 00:07:26,316
Cheers. Cheers.
109
00:07:26,317 --> 00:07:27,876
That's nice, that's, um...
110
00:07:27,878 --> 00:07:29,677
Tastes of a childhood garden.
111
00:07:29,678 --> 00:07:32,477
Well, it's got a bit of
alcohol in it so it tastes,
112
00:07:32,478 --> 00:07:36,398
is it a lot of alcohol in your
garden as a child? I'm sorry, Rob.
113
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:40,959
I use my tweezers for this.
114
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,959
Everything is all right? Lovely.
115
00:07:44,961 --> 00:07:48,240
Delicious. Very, very different.
Very interesting, yeah. Yes?
116
00:07:48,241 --> 00:07:50,320
It's lovely, yeah. Cheers.
117
00:07:50,321 --> 00:07:57,400
Mmm, it's got... It is a bit,
I was going to ask you, the consistency is a bit
118
00:07:57,403 --> 00:08:00,362
like snot, but it tastes great.
119
00:08:00,363 --> 00:08:03,763
Imagine Ray Winstone
has coughed it up.
120
00:08:04,964 --> 00:08:06,844
THEY RETCH & HACK
121
00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:09,804
AS WINSTONE: Drink it.
122
00:08:09,805 --> 00:08:13,364
FRIGHTENED: I don't want to drink it,
Ray. I don't want to. Drink it.
123
00:08:13,365 --> 00:08:15,764
I don't want to drink it,
please don't make me drink it.
124
00:08:15,766 --> 00:08:18,925
I'm fed up with all your excuses.
125
00:08:18,926 --> 00:08:25,845
I want the money next Wednesday, but
before that you're going to drink a goblet of my sputum.
126
00:08:25,848 --> 00:08:28,647
All right, I'll drink it, Ray.
127
00:08:28,648 --> 00:08:30,927
That's right,
drink it down, nice and good.
128
00:08:30,929 --> 00:08:32,568
They say it was delicious.
129
00:08:32,569 --> 00:08:34,928
What can I say?
130
00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:38,128
I can't get the image of snot
out of my head now.
131
00:08:38,130 --> 00:08:41,809
Every time I look at...
That was lovely! Really nice.
132
00:08:41,810 --> 00:08:43,330
Thank you.
133
00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:49,650
It's a Cote du Rhone Guigal wine,
2006.
134
00:08:49,652 --> 00:08:53,411
Will be a blend of Viognier,
Roussanne and Marsanne
135
00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:55,812
a fresh floral, rounded,
136
00:08:55,813 --> 00:09:01,532
and you will find nice crisp finish
as well. Nice to follow.
137
00:09:01,534 --> 00:09:03,214
Thank you.
138
00:09:04,094 --> 00:09:08,053
Was he speaking French?
139
00:09:08,055 --> 00:09:10,015
Because I didn't catch a lot of it.
140
00:09:15,776 --> 00:09:18,975
Mmm, very nice. Now that...
141
00:09:18,977 --> 00:09:21,616
is a glass of white wine.
142
00:09:21,617 --> 00:09:28,336
There's a sort of a melony,
do you get melon in that? Melanie?
143
00:09:28,339 --> 00:09:32,018
Don't. Don't. Don't lower yourself!
All right, I won't do the joke.
144
00:09:32,019 --> 00:09:36,338
There's melon,
there's a suggestion of celery.
145
00:09:36,340 --> 00:09:39,020
You should be writing
this down, this is gold.
146
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:45,860
There we are gentlemens, at the
bottom of those little sacks you've
147
00:09:45,862 --> 00:09:55,621
got some diced smoked kale as well
as shredded radishes, covered with very smooth duck foie gras mousse.
148
00:09:55,623 --> 00:09:58,102
Enjoy. Thank you very much.
149
00:09:58,104 --> 00:10:04,143
Very rare for me that I can enjoy
bread in a restaurant because normally it's got yeast in it.
150
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,944
What exactly... I don't digest it.
151
00:10:05,945 --> 00:10:07,944
It ferments in my stomach
152
00:10:07,946 --> 00:10:16,266
and it produces toxins that
manifest themselves as blemishes on my otherwise pristine skin.
153
00:10:17,147 --> 00:10:19,946
Would you eat one
just once so I can see what happens?
154
00:10:19,948 --> 00:10:22,387
Be a good laugh, wouldn't it?
155
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:26,147
Amuse you. It's a medical thing.
Do I laugh at your grey hair?
156
00:10:26,149 --> 00:10:29,508
Let's not talk about hair because
I'll win that one hands down.
157
00:10:29,509 --> 00:10:35,228
What are you saying?
That you've had intervention. Woah, woah, woah!
158
00:10:35,230 --> 00:10:38,709
Follicular intervention.
159
00:10:38,711 --> 00:10:40,750
I don't care I've got grey hair.
160
00:10:40,751 --> 00:10:42,510
Not bothered at all. Aren't you?
161
00:10:42,512 --> 00:10:44,991
Still got the sun roof.
162
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:48,631
Yeah. Don't dip your hair
in the frigging butter.
163
00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:51,832
You have a go.
See if you can do it better!
164
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,672
Would you ever have anything done?
165
00:10:53,674 --> 00:10:55,953
To my hair? No, I don't need to.
Your hair is fine.
166
00:10:55,954 --> 00:10:59,033
Your face though. You must
be thinking about your chin.
167
00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:01,314
It does look a bit weird.
168
00:11:01,315 --> 00:11:03,914
Supposed to do that aren't you.
That's right.
169
00:11:03,915 --> 00:11:08,314
What do you when you're being
photographed, with your chin, how do you compensate for it?
170
00:11:08,316 --> 00:11:09,835
I clench my jaw like this.
171
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:12,556
Wait.
172
00:11:13,997 --> 00:11:17,156
That's good. That's very nice.
And lean forward a bit. Yeah.
173
00:11:17,158 --> 00:11:21,597
Or, another technique,
models use this is just to...
174
00:11:21,599 --> 00:11:24,679
Just turn your head so it pulls
that taut so it's like this.
175
00:11:26,239 --> 00:11:27,958
That's a good look for you.
176
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,679
You can put a bit of a smile
on but not too much.
177
00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:35,799
And pull the neck...
Do them both together.
178
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:38,600
That's good. That's very good, yeah.
179
00:11:38,602 --> 00:11:42,801
I mean I do that, just by
nature does that to me. Look.
180
00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:44,641
I know. I know.
181
00:11:44,643 --> 00:11:47,802
Your chin's like an ironing board.
Mmm.
182
00:11:47,803 --> 00:11:49,642
In a good way.
183
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:51,962
What would you have done?
184
00:11:51,964 --> 00:11:56,323
If I did anything, and I
would do it with a heavy heart,
185
00:11:56,325 --> 00:11:59,084
I might just get a little tuck
under here.
186
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:01,884
Do they cut away some of
your throat?
187
00:12:01,886 --> 00:12:05,365
They just tighten it...
Show me what it would be.
188
00:12:05,366 --> 00:12:08,006
Just pull it back with your fingers.
189
00:12:14,208 --> 00:12:17,767
Hi. That actually does
take years off you.
190
00:12:17,768 --> 00:12:21,487
See the lines on my face,
see these ones here? Yeah.
191
00:12:21,489 --> 00:12:24,128
They're still there.
They're quite hard to shift.
192
00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:27,970
They used to do that.
193
00:12:29,050 --> 00:12:32,809
That's good.
You look like Steven Segal,
194
00:12:32,811 --> 00:12:36,450
as he looks now. Now, smile at me.
195
00:12:36,452 --> 00:12:39,531
That's sinister!
196
00:12:39,532 --> 00:12:42,771
You could play villains.
Try and be charming with that face.
197
00:12:42,773 --> 00:12:44,892
Try and imagine I'm a young lady.
198
00:12:44,893 --> 00:12:49,692
Hello, do you come here very often?
199
00:12:49,694 --> 00:12:51,534
Yes, but I won't be coming again.
200
00:12:57,975 --> 00:13:01,735
A bad photograph of me in the paper
would be something like this.
201
00:13:03,896 --> 00:13:06,855
You could do
the Stephen Hawking story.
202
00:13:06,857 --> 00:13:10,216
SPEAKS AS HAWKING:
The Stephen Hawking story.
203
00:13:10,218 --> 00:13:15,017
Years ago the universe was
a very big place
204
00:13:15,018 --> 00:13:20,777
and when there were some stars
and big black holes.
205
00:13:20,779 --> 00:13:26,258
If you took all the material
Rob Brydon has done
206
00:13:26,260 --> 00:13:34,419
on Radio 4 panel shows
and laid them end to end they would still not be funny.
207
00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:39,421
AS MAN IN A BOX: They'd still not
be funny but you asshole.
208
00:13:39,423 --> 00:13:44,703
HE PLAYS POPCORN BY HOT BUTTER
209
00:13:58,306 --> 00:13:59,905
I can do loads of things.
210
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:03,385
I don't draw on
my arsenal of weaponry.
211
00:14:03,387 --> 00:14:05,827
I have things there
but I don't use them.
212
00:14:10,028 --> 00:14:14,827
And there we are gentlemens.
Your next course is what we call the Humphries Pool.
213
00:14:14,829 --> 00:14:18,748
It's a shellfish broth made out of
muscles, clams, cockles, which are
214
00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:24,069
cooked in their own juices before
to be garnished with a shred of local seaweed. Thank you very much.
215
00:14:24,071 --> 00:14:25,750
Thank you. Enjoy that.
216
00:14:25,751 --> 00:14:29,110
Never eaten and selfish broth
before.
217
00:14:29,111 --> 00:14:32,430
He mentioned cooking in their
own juices. Imagine that, eh?
218
00:14:32,432 --> 00:14:34,071
Lovely thought, isn't it?
219
00:14:34,072 --> 00:14:36,071
Being cooked in your own juice.
220
00:14:36,073 --> 00:14:39,673
I'll be honest,
I don't think I could muster more than a thimble full.
221
00:14:51,115 --> 00:14:54,954
So what we have at the base of the
dish, we've got a goat cheese mousse
222
00:14:54,956 --> 00:14:56,595
and artichoke puree
223
00:14:56,596 --> 00:15:02,995
and that is garnished
with deep fried leaves...
224
00:15:02,997 --> 00:15:04,837
Thank you very much. Thank you.
225
00:15:05,958 --> 00:15:08,878
I don't like artichoke.
I should just say that.
226
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,839
Drinking the wine makes me
feel quite sophisticated.
227
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,039
A bit like James Bond
ordering a martini.
228
00:15:22,041 --> 00:15:27,120
AS SEAN CONNERY: I'd like a...
I'd like a martini, shaken
229
00:15:27,122 --> 00:15:28,721
not stirred.
230
00:15:28,722 --> 00:15:30,961
I want it now.
231
00:15:30,962 --> 00:15:32,481
Don't make me wait.
232
00:15:32,483 --> 00:15:35,442
I'll have a vodka martini,
shaken not stirred.
233
00:15:35,443 --> 00:15:38,282
I'll have a vodka martini,
shaken not stirred.
234
00:15:38,284 --> 00:15:40,603
I'll have a vodka...
I'll have a vodka...
235
00:15:40,604 --> 00:15:44,243
You look very worried. So do you.
You should take a look at your face.
236
00:15:44,245 --> 00:15:46,484
I'd like a vodka martini,
shaken but not stirred.
237
00:15:46,485 --> 00:15:50,164
You look like you're recovering
from a stroke!
238
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:53,365
I'd like a vodka martini,
shaken but not stirred.
239
00:15:53,366 --> 00:15:55,925
I can feel my legs, it's a miracle!
240
00:15:55,927 --> 00:15:59,246
I'd like a vodka martini,
shaken but not stirred.
241
00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:04,246
AS ROGER MOORE: I'd like a vodka
martini, shaken, not stirred.
242
00:16:04,248 --> 00:16:09,607
AS SCARAMANGA: "Come, come, Mr Bond,
you derive just as much pleasure from killing as I do."
243
00:16:09,609 --> 00:16:11,968
"Come, Mr Bond, you get
just as much pleasure..."
244
00:16:11,969 --> 00:16:15,248
I was saying that bit! Well, don't
caricature, try and do it real.
245
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:19,449
Come, come, Mr Bond... Shut up!
Don't tell me how to act. I bloody should do. Why?
246
00:16:19,451 --> 00:16:22,170
Because sometimes you tend
to crank it up a bit...
247
00:16:22,171 --> 00:16:27,650
Whereas you are widely regarded
as the king of understatement(!)
248
00:16:27,652 --> 00:16:31,411
I'd do it like this. "Come, come,
Mr Bond, you get just as..."
249
00:16:31,413 --> 00:16:37,572
Try and get the lines right.
As a rule it's more effective if you don't fluff the lines. OK.
250
00:16:37,574 --> 00:16:39,413
I'll deliver it with understatement.
251
00:16:39,414 --> 00:16:42,653
Come, Mr Bond, you get just as much
pleasure from killing as I do.
252
00:16:42,655 --> 00:16:45,934
That was the worst of the lot.
All right, OK, this is it.
253
00:16:45,935 --> 00:16:49,494
Come, Mr Bond, you get just as
much pleasure from killing as I do.
254
00:16:49,496 --> 00:16:53,376
Come, come, Mr Bond, you get just as
much pleasure from killing as I do.
255
00:16:54,657 --> 00:16:57,176
Fucking yeah!
No, you went up at the end.
256
00:16:57,177 --> 00:17:00,616
Like you watch Australian soaps.
But you see what I did on my face?
257
00:17:00,618 --> 00:17:02,457
...You get as much pleasure
as I do?
258
00:17:02,458 --> 00:17:07,577
Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive
just as much pleasure from killing as I do.
259
00:17:07,579 --> 00:17:12,379
When I kill, I kill for Queen
and country, though I admit killing you...
260
00:17:13,620 --> 00:17:17,900
Come, come, Mr Bond, you derive
just as much pleasure...
261
00:17:18,741 --> 00:17:24,300
Pierce Brosnan, he'd say,
"The name's Bond, James Bond.
262
00:17:24,302 --> 00:17:28,901
"When I kill I kill for Queen
and country, although I admit killing you would be a pleasure."
263
00:17:28,903 --> 00:17:34,342
IRISH ACCENT: I've never liked
artichokes and there's nothing I...
264
00:17:34,344 --> 00:17:36,623
You could do Liam Neeson.
265
00:17:36,624 --> 00:17:41,383
If you let her go that'll be
the end of it but if you don't I will hunt you down,
266
00:17:41,385 --> 00:17:44,464
I will find you, and I'll kill you.
267
00:17:44,466 --> 00:17:47,825
Liam Neeson. I do this for a living.
268
00:17:47,826 --> 00:17:51,265
If you let her go now that'll be
the end of it.
269
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:54,506
One man, searching for his daughter.
270
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:58,026
But if you don't,
I'll hunt you down.
271
00:17:58,028 --> 00:18:00,147
I will find you... What was his job?
272
00:18:00,148 --> 00:18:03,027
And I will kill you.
What's he do for a living?
273
00:18:03,029 --> 00:18:05,428
He worked for the CIA.
Supply teacher. No!
274
00:18:05,429 --> 00:18:07,989
I do this for a living,
now get out your textbooks.
275
00:18:14,111 --> 00:18:15,830
Who's your favourite actor?
276
00:18:15,831 --> 00:18:18,870
Al Pacino. Hmm.
277
00:18:18,872 --> 00:18:21,951
Charles Grodin. Ah...
Anthony Hopkins.
278
00:18:21,952 --> 00:18:26,751
It's a cold dish, this one.
You've got some little baby queen scallops.
279
00:18:26,753 --> 00:18:31,272
They are resting on griddled baby gem
and a parsnip coulis
280
00:18:31,274 --> 00:18:34,553
as well as a light creamy
horseradish sauce. Thank you.
281
00:18:34,555 --> 00:18:37,034
Rather optimistic to say they're
resting.
282
00:18:37,035 --> 00:18:39,994
Their days of resting
have been and gone, they are dead.
283
00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:43,274
Um, what were we talking about?
284
00:18:43,276 --> 00:18:44,755
Scallops!
285
00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:47,915
I learn a lot from actors.
286
00:18:47,917 --> 00:18:50,756
Do you know what I learned
from Anthony Hopkins?
287
00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:53,677
Never be afraid to touch your face.
288
00:18:57,238 --> 00:18:58,717
He does a lot of that.
289
00:18:58,719 --> 00:19:02,118
He does...
290
00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:06,758
Does this, conjuring nightmares
all the time, don't know why.
291
00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,119
Touch your face. Touch your face...
292
00:19:09,121 --> 00:19:13,880
Pacino, I lean. Yeah.
293
00:19:13,881 --> 00:19:18,361
Look around. Do this, do this.
294
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,082
Who do you learn from?
I go for Jack Lemmon.
295
00:19:25,083 --> 00:19:29,002
Because he manages to walk that line
between comedy and tragedy. Like you.
296
00:19:29,004 --> 00:19:33,563
Pathos and truth and make people
laugh and cry in the same instant.
297
00:19:33,565 --> 00:19:36,284
That's what I strive for,
that's the benchmark for me.
298
00:19:36,285 --> 00:19:39,204
AS LEMMON: I have a stinking cold,
could you please...
299
00:19:39,206 --> 00:19:42,926
Would you just please do the thing
I want you to do. That's Jack Lemmon.
300
00:19:46,527 --> 00:19:50,526
Richard Gere does a very
interesting technique in his films.
301
00:19:50,528 --> 00:19:53,447
He'll listen and then smile
enigmatically and then
302
00:19:53,448 --> 00:19:58,207
he'll smile away into the distance
as if he's remembering something from the past,
303
00:19:58,209 --> 00:20:00,928
laugh about it,
and then return to the dialogue...
304
00:20:00,930 --> 00:20:04,889
Let me say something and you respond
that way. OK. Go on. OK.
305
00:20:04,890 --> 00:20:09,329
Malcolm... He'd never play
a character called Malcolm.
306
00:20:09,331 --> 00:20:11,091
Um...
307
00:20:12,132 --> 00:20:15,491
Joshua. Joshua.
It's a costume drama. Continue.
308
00:20:15,492 --> 00:20:21,331
Joshua, folk in the village
are saying you're never going to come back.
309
00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:24,292
Pa, I...
310
00:20:24,294 --> 00:20:27,613
Woah, I'm not your bloody father.
Hang on a minute!
311
00:20:27,614 --> 00:20:29,893
I'm about four months older
than you.
312
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,894
You're not slipping
that one under the fence!
313
00:20:31,895 --> 00:20:36,174
You're a character actor.
Yeah I know, I could play it.
314
00:20:36,176 --> 00:20:37,895
A little bit of make up.
I'll do it again.
315
00:20:37,896 --> 00:20:39,935
Joshua...
316
00:20:39,937 --> 00:20:44,896
I'm listening to you
in an interesting way. Continue.
317
00:20:44,897 --> 00:20:50,336
Joshua. Oh, Joshua.
318
00:20:50,338 --> 00:20:52,657
Oh, Joshua.
319
00:20:52,659 --> 00:20:57,779
There are folk round here
thinking... Oh, son...
320
00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:01,580
..thinking you ain't never
coming back.
321
00:21:13,382 --> 00:21:16,261
I guess I'm not.
322
00:21:16,263 --> 00:21:20,782
Very good. Cos I thought,
"There's a little subtext there we didn't know about.
323
00:21:20,784 --> 00:21:23,503
"What's going on over there?
Why did he look over there?"
324
00:21:23,504 --> 00:21:27,143
I thought for a minute
you'd forgotten your line, but you hadn't. No.
325
00:21:27,145 --> 00:21:28,505
It was simply acting.
326
00:21:34,906 --> 00:21:40,345
Thank you. To follow with that,
a red, which is from France.
327
00:21:40,347 --> 00:21:46,466
Loire Valley in the northwest
of France. Cabernet from grape 100%.
328
00:21:46,468 --> 00:21:49,747
Light, fruity, easy to follow.
329
00:21:49,749 --> 00:21:52,628
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
330
00:21:52,629 --> 00:21:54,748
"Easy to follow."
That's rather ironic.
331
00:21:54,750 --> 00:21:57,669
They should change
descriptions up there.
332
00:21:57,670 --> 00:21:59,910
One no mushroom. OK.
333
00:22:03,471 --> 00:22:07,830
Here is your next dish, gentlemen.
Thank you. Which is a cut of skate,
334
00:22:07,832 --> 00:22:11,031
pan-seared, served with a little
langoustine, which are resting on
335
00:22:11,032 --> 00:22:15,351
a base of cauliflower puree
and some baby celery stems.
336
00:22:15,353 --> 00:22:17,753
There you are. Enjoy.
Thank you kindly. Thank you.
337
00:22:19,994 --> 00:22:24,393
What do you think?
Mmm, it's nice, it's very, it's very, it's lovely actually.
338
00:22:24,395 --> 00:22:27,834
MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE
339
00:22:27,835 --> 00:22:31,794
Ah, it's Mischa.
340
00:22:31,796 --> 00:22:33,996
I've got to go and call Mischa.
341
00:22:43,598 --> 00:22:45,357
RINGING
342
00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:47,838
Hello. 'Hi.' Hey.
343
00:22:47,839 --> 00:22:49,678
'Hey.' It's me.
344
00:22:49,679 --> 00:22:51,878
'Hey, how's it going?'
345
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,439
It's great, it's great.
It's... Yeah, yeah.
346
00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:56,399
'Where are you now?'
I'm in L'Enclume.
347
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:01,239
No way. 'Yeah. I'm at the
fancy schmancy restaurant.'
348
00:23:01,241 --> 00:23:02,880
Oh, I really wanted to go there.
349
00:23:02,882 --> 00:23:07,041
And what's happening with that
editing thing, the job with the guy you know in the...
350
00:23:07,042 --> 00:23:10,721
It's going really well, I think. They
gave me an assignment in Las Vegas.
351
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:14,242
Las Vegas? What, you going...
What are you going there for?
352
00:23:14,244 --> 00:23:16,043
'For work, I just told you...'
To do what?
353
00:23:16,044 --> 00:23:19,563
'..I'm going to go and write there.'
What are you going to write about?
354
00:23:19,565 --> 00:23:23,004
'I'm going to go do this
really interesting piece on prostitutes in Vegas,
355
00:23:23,005 --> 00:23:26,684
'a kind of like good girls
gone bad Vegas style story.'
356
00:23:26,686 --> 00:23:28,405
What if you become a good girl
gone bad?
357
00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:30,125
'Oh, Jesus, Steve.'
358
00:23:30,126 --> 00:23:34,406
'What, do you think, I'm going to go
to Vegas and become a prostitute?'
359
00:23:49,930 --> 00:23:51,449
Thank you very much.
360
00:23:51,450 --> 00:23:54,569
I have a Pippin apple sorbet. Yes.
361
00:23:54,571 --> 00:23:58,770
Served with an apple cake
and a bit of scotch powder
362
00:23:58,771 --> 00:24:01,211
and a roasted quince. Thank you.
363
00:24:02,212 --> 00:24:04,931
God, I wish you were Mischa.
364
00:24:04,932 --> 00:24:07,532
God, I'm glad I'm not.
365
00:24:13,894 --> 00:24:14,974
All clear?
366
00:24:17,695 --> 00:24:22,174
More little goodies for you.
Never ending story.
367
00:24:22,176 --> 00:24:24,615
Thank you very much.
Candle mint cake.
368
00:24:24,616 --> 00:24:27,455
CRACKLING
369
00:24:27,456 --> 00:24:30,735
Very, very nice. Very nice actually.
370
00:24:30,737 --> 00:24:32,176
It's not too sickly sweet.
371
00:24:32,177 --> 00:24:34,217
No, which is what I
thought it would be.
372
00:24:35,778 --> 00:24:37,497
Oh, that's bloody lovely that.
373
00:24:37,498 --> 00:24:41,177
Oh, it's very, it's so sexy that.
Chocolate and raspberry.
374
00:24:41,179 --> 00:24:42,778
Mmm! Gorgeous, isn't it? Mmm.
375
00:24:42,779 --> 00:24:46,298
That's the ninth course. That's
wonderful. I don't drink coffee,
376
00:24:46,300 --> 00:24:49,139
but I didn't want to rock the boat.
377
00:24:49,140 --> 00:24:52,179
Ah, thank you very much. Thank you.
378
00:24:52,181 --> 00:24:56,621
How much? �180.
379
00:24:57,622 --> 00:25:00,061
It's quite a lot, isn't it?
380
00:25:00,062 --> 00:25:04,022
If we had that every day for
breakfast, that would be excessive.
381
00:25:08,384 --> 00:25:11,223
Hey, Joe, it's Dad.
382
00:25:11,224 --> 00:25:15,783
Just wanted to have a chat
and see what's happening,
383
00:25:15,785 --> 00:25:18,024
so give me a call
when you can, right?
384
00:25:18,025 --> 00:25:20,065
Love you. Bye.
385
00:25:34,668 --> 00:25:37,187
Hello, it's Ken Bruce calling.
386
00:25:37,189 --> 00:25:40,748
Pop master Sally is on the
line now and Sally calls us
387
00:25:40,749 --> 00:25:43,708
all the way from London. What
sort of music do you like, Sally?
388
00:25:43,710 --> 00:25:47,389
'The phone was on vibrate,
that gave me a shock.'
389
00:25:47,390 --> 00:25:48,469
HE GIGGLES
Was it?
390
00:25:48,471 --> 00:25:51,310
Vibrating phone. Are you all right?
391
00:25:51,311 --> 00:25:54,350
'Yeah, fine.' Yeah.
All good, Chloe OK?
392
00:25:54,352 --> 00:25:57,431
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
393
00:25:57,432 --> 00:25:59,311
Hello. 'Hi, Steve.
394
00:25:59,313 --> 00:26:02,432
'I've got Matt on the line for you,
do you want to talk to him?'
395
00:26:02,433 --> 00:26:03,512
Yeah, yeah, stick him on.
396
00:26:03,513 --> 00:26:09,272
"It's Stevvveee Coogan, eh?"
Ha-ha. Hey, Matt, how are you doing?
397
00:26:09,274 --> 00:26:11,953
'I'm doing good, man. How are you?'
Good, good. Yeah, great.
398
00:26:11,955 --> 00:26:15,154
Speaking of boiled eggs, I'm
not wearing any pyjama bottoms.
399
00:26:15,155 --> 00:26:19,594
'Aww, you saucy boy.'
Don't say, "Aww".
400
00:26:19,596 --> 00:26:24,115
You should say, "Oooh".
"Phwoar!" Yeah, "Phwoar". Thank you.
401
00:26:24,117 --> 00:26:26,756
'It's like I keep telling you...'
I just...
402
00:26:26,757 --> 00:26:31,796
It's like the tortoise and the hare.
So I'm a tortoise. Great(!)
403
00:26:31,798 --> 00:26:33,237
I'm not saying that. I'm...
404
00:26:33,239 --> 00:26:35,598
'Right now I'm being passed
by an awful lot of hares.'
405
00:26:35,599 --> 00:26:37,438
I feel like I'm being
trampled by hares.
406
00:26:37,439 --> 00:26:40,558
Would you be up for a bit of er...
bit of phone sex?
407
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,679
Would you be interested in that?
'Yeah, I might be, mmm. Yes.'
408
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:47,519
IMPERSONATES HUGH GRANT:
Could I interest you in some rather salacious,
409
00:26:47,521 --> 00:26:50,920
if I sort of do this Hugh Grant,
might that get you... 'No.'
410
00:26:50,922 --> 00:26:53,921
..Get you, as it were, going?
'He doesn't do it for me.'
411
00:26:53,922 --> 00:26:56,041
WOMAN GIGGLES
412
00:26:56,043 --> 00:26:59,362
Someone overheard Nick Stevens at
an endeavour meeting or whatever,
413
00:26:59,363 --> 00:27:03,722
someone brought my name up and he
said, "I wish I'd got hold of Steve Coogan when he was 35."
414
00:27:03,724 --> 00:27:06,003
I mean, I feel... I thought,
415
00:27:06,004 --> 00:27:09,163
"Crikey, is that it?
Is it game over?"
416
00:27:09,165 --> 00:27:12,324
I mean I'm 41, you know, and...
You're not 41.
417
00:27:12,325 --> 00:27:15,844
I'm not, no, I'm 44.
I've been 41 for three years.
418
00:27:15,846 --> 00:27:17,965
I've been telling people
I'm 41 for three years.
419
00:27:17,966 --> 00:27:22,045
You know how old Jack Lemmon
was when he won the Oscar for Save The Tiger?
420
00:27:22,047 --> 00:27:26,526
No. He was 48.
421
00:27:26,528 --> 00:27:29,567
Yeah, and he'd been a movie star
for fucking 20 years, dude.
422
00:27:29,568 --> 00:27:34,407
You get yourself off to er,
off to Noddington and I shall er,
423
00:27:34,409 --> 00:27:40,288
I shall bed down here with a rock as
my pillow, the stars as my canopy
424
00:27:40,290 --> 00:27:45,089
and this...local barmaid
as my duvet.
425
00:27:45,091 --> 00:27:46,690
WOMAN LAUGHS
426
00:27:46,691 --> 00:27:49,690
I like the way you laugh at that
like it's not a possibility.
427
00:27:49,692 --> 00:27:53,211
'I know it's not going to happen.'
What do you mean it's not going to happen?
428
00:27:53,213 --> 00:27:55,572
'Well, I mean, it could.'
I pulled you.
429
00:27:55,573 --> 00:27:58,412
'It's a good time for you. It's
a good time to be Steve Coogan.'
430
00:27:58,413 --> 00:28:01,292
OK, good, that all sounds great.
Thank you. I hope so.
431
00:28:01,294 --> 00:28:03,773
'But I can't do anything when
you're stuck over there.'
432
00:28:03,774 --> 00:28:07,173
'So get your ass back here.' OK.
We'll do that. Thanks for calling.
433
00:28:07,175 --> 00:28:08,895
'Ciao.' OK, bye.
434
00:28:08,945 --> 00:28:13,495
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