Original subtitles

(LAUGHTER)

(DOG BARKS / LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

(DOOR SLAMS / LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

Karl?

Karl?!

Karl! What?

You're doing it again! You're laughing to yourself!

This is the third night in a row you woke me up.

And you've woke me up each time, so that makes us quits.

I can't take it any more.

I need my sleep!

THE CHORDETTES: Mr Sandman

(BEEPING)

Mr Sandman

Bring me a dream Bom, bom, bom

Make him the cutest

? That I've ever seen ? ? Bom, bom, bom... ?

Jesus Christ, what is going on?

I was making eggy bread!

Go and sit down! Is it off?

How many times have I told you, keep your eye on the pan! You know your mind drifts!

My mind didn't drift!

I just closed my eyes for a minute!

I'm having too many sleepless nights because of your laughing!

They can put robots on Mars and yet they still haven't made a smoke alarm with a remote control.

You've got to be bloody Spiderman!

What's with high ceilings, anyway? It's a two-bedroom flat, not the Sistine Chapel.

(SIGHS)

What a palaver! I don't know why you can't just have cornflakes.

Get the window open, let some air in.

'(GENTLE MUSIC)'

So, you've no idea what you're dreaming about

It's weird, though, innit? Cos you never laugh these days.

Course I do. You don't, though. Not like a proper laugh. Not a big proper laugh.

You do those sort of nostril laughs.

Like a...

Which isn't really a laugh, is it? It's more like your face doing a fart.

(JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS / LAUGHTER)

(CHATTER & LAUGHTER)

"(LAUGHTER ON TV)"

Here you go, Norma. Oh, thank you.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

Don't you think this is funny?

No, not really.

Why not? It's hilarious.

So, if I'd have fell off the ladders earlier,

you'd have sat there laughing? Don't be stupid!

I'm not being stupid! What's the difference?

You're watching accidents. Look at this fella, falling off his kid's skateboard.

He cracks his head on the pavement. That's hilarious, isn't it?

They're not showing what happens. He's got blood gushing from his ears,

spends the rest of his life in a wheelchair. Hilarious, innit?

I've known you for a while and I don't think I've seen you laugh.

You won't be seeing me laugh if you don't turn this shite off. Hey!

The only reason you're laughing is because of the canned laughter. It should be called conned laughter.

Love and laughter's the only thing you need in life, and you have neither.

You should learn to laugh. You're miserable.

I'm not miserable at all. I just don't find this funny.

You should find something that is.

Maybe if you laughed during the day, you won't do it when I'm trying to sleep.

"(LAUGHTER ON TV)"

'(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)' Oh, my God!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

It must be brilliant to be one of those people that just laugh at anything.

Do they actually find this funny,

or are they convincing themselves it is because they paid 12 quid for a ticket to see this shit?

(MAN LAUGHS LOUDLY)

And what's with the clapping, eh? Laughing and clapping. Why is his hands getting involved?

'(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)'

(LAUGHTER)

"(RINGING ON SCREEN)"

(KARL LAUGHS)

Excuse me, sir. Excuse me! Your laughing's annoying the other people.

His laugh was annoying me before. Are you gonna have a word with him?

He's been laughing in the right places.

"(WOMAN SPEAKS ON SCREEN)"

"(MAN SPEAKS ON SCREEN)"

(AUDIENCE LAUGH LOUDLY)

(LAUGHS THEATRICALLY)

Nah, I'm not buying it. It doesn't sound real.

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.

Right, now you just sound mental.

(SIGHS) I'm not sure what my real laugh should sound like. It's been ages since I've done it.

I don't know what you're worrying about. Laugh when you wanna laugh.

I know, but even Ruby says she's never seen me laugh. So what?

It's your face, innit? It's your right to look miserable.

Is that what it's come to? You've got to walk around looking happy for the benefit of others?

If they made Snow White today,

I reckon all Seven Dwarfs would be forced to be happy.

It pisses me off. (FORCED LAUGHTER)

(PHONE RINGS) Ah, forget it!

Hello? "Oh, my God, Karl! Where have you been? I've been trying to get hold of you."

"The flat's been robbed."

(CAR HORN BEEPS)

Ah, Karl, it's you.

How did they get in? Did you leave the door open? No! They came in through the kitchen window.

Did they get away with much? I'm not sure. I didn't want to touch anything.

Are you all right, Norma? Yes. I slept through it.

I thought you were a light sleeper.

Yeah, that's cos thieves are quiet. They certainly don't laugh like a hyena.

They've been in here, as well.

What a mess.

I'm smiling there. Was that in Lanzarote with Zoe?

Yeah. Good holiday, that was.

You hated that holiday. No, I didn't. I'm smiling.

You did nothing but moan. You said it was like staying in an ashtray

because of all the black sand.

Why do I look so happy? Because Zoe told you to look happy for the photo.

Photos are about memories, aren't they? And people want the memories to be better than reality.

Honestly, the only photo that's genuine these days is your passport photo.

The only photo where you're allowed to look normal.

You don't have to sit there grinning like a loon. You're probably right.

'(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)'

(LAUGHS) Shut up, Karl!

(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

Aww, look!

Have you been filming me? Yes, this morning.

I've never seen your face look so happy. So cute!

Yeah, well, can you delete that? It's a private moment.

You shouldn't be snooping about.

He looks so nice when he laughs, doesn't he?

Yeah. I just wish he wouldn't do it when I'm trying to sleep.

You should let your face do this more often!

"(GIGGLING)"

Oh, look at this! Aww, little baby! (LAUGHS)

You're worrying about this laughing thing too much now. You're starting to do my head in.

It'll happen when it happens.

I mean, you're like the dormant volcanoes in Lanzarote, aren't you?

You can't make them erupt. But it will happen, and probably when you're least expecting it.

This should get me laughing.

"(LAUGHTER)"

"(APPLAUSE)"

"(SAD MUSIC)" "Vic? Vic, what have I done?"

"You're so thin and withdrawn."

"Vic, please. Oh, Vic, I admit it, I am incontinent."

"What have I done?" "(BOING!)"

"(LAUGHTER)"

I don't get it, I always used to laugh at this.

No, you used to laugh at it with Zoe, didn't you? You used to watch it together.

Maybe Norma had a point about love and laughter,

but what can you do about it?

You can't find love cos you're miserable, and you're miserable

You're buggered.

Oi, laughing boy! Any chance of a lift into town later?

Yeah, all right.

Thanks. "(LAUGHTER)"

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I know, I know!

(PHONE BUZZES) Listen, give me one second, one second!

I have to go. Adam's trying to call me.

OK, I'll call you later. Yeah. Bye, bye, bye. Bye.

Hey!

"Hey, babe. Something's come up at work and I've got to take a meeting."

What, now? "Yes. I've..."

No! "Look, I'm really sorry." No, this is bloody bullshit, Adam!

"I can't get out of it!" I'm already in a taxi on my way. "It's an important client."

"I've told you..." Bullshit! Are you serious?

"I can't risk losing that account." You did this to me last week, as well.

"I'll come around..." You're not coming to mine!

After leaving me alone, are you kidding? "Ruby, calm down."

Fuck's sake! No, whatever! Whatever, Adam!

OK, yeah, bye! "You're just being hysterical!"

Bye, yeah. I don't give a shit!

"Oh, Ru..." Fuck's sake. Wanker.

Do you, erm...

..want a lift to your flat, then?

Oh, no. Thank you.

We're nearly there now.

Why don't you come and have a drink with me? Nah.

No, no, no, it would be good! I'd like to talk to you about Norma.

Talk about it tomorrow, then.

No, no, not in front of her. Just you and me.

(LILTING PIANO MUSIC) Yeah?

I mean, it's like a sign. You know, first the fire, then the robbery.

What's going to happen next? It's just going to get worse.

Hang on. The fire was down to me, wasn't it?

The reason Norma's eggy bread went up in flames is because I've been keeping her awake.

If I'm being honest, it was me who left the window open, as well.

So, if anything, it should be me who's moving out.

I understand it's hard to accept, but she can't live in that flat forever.

I'm telling you now, she won't want to go in a home. She likes her own space too much.

I know it's sensitive.

But I'm her carer. It's my job to think of what's best for her.

(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

At least someone's having fun tonight.

(COMEDIAN CHATS IN BACKGROUND)

Come on. Enough chat.

Let's go upstairs. We could do with a laugh.

(LAUGHTER)

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!

You know, when people say they're constipated,

I just think they're full of shit!

(LAUGHS)

Don't you find him funny? Not really, no.

They're not jokes, are they? It's just a play on words.

I think he's really clever.

Yeah, well, so was Stephen Hawking. Doesn't make him a comedian.

..in fact, she's so kinky, what she loves to do, right,

is tie me to a bed and then cover me in chocolate and caramel. (AUDIENCE) Ooh!

She's a domina-Twix! (LAUGHTER)

That was quite good.

Laugh, then! There was a man who got hit in the head with a can of soda.

He's so lucky it was a soft drink!

Look, this is how you do it. "(LAUGHS IN SLEEP)"

Delete that! I'm nipping to the toilet. I was reading about this zoo with no animals,

but one dog.

It was a Shih Tzu! (LAUGHTER)

Ooh, hello! What's this, a standing ovation? (LAUGHTER)

I'm just nipping to the toilet.

It was lovely of you to do it in the middle of one of my jokes!

I mean, these are one-liners and he couldn't wait until the end?

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, can we get him a nappy or something?

There's nothing wrong with wearing nappies. I wore nappies. When I was a wee boy!

To be fair, though, he'd suit a nappy. Bald head!

He looks like a big baby! (LAUGHTER)

Come on! Right, let's carry on.

(MUZAK PLAYS)

Shit. That's what it was.

What? He broke my dream. That's what I was dreaming about.

Big baby. Nappy.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

(MUSIC & LAUGHTER SWELL)

(CHILD'S LAUGHTER)

(EERIE MUSIC)

(DEEP LAUGHTER)

Ah! (LAUGHS)

Hey! (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(MUSIC & LAUGHTER SWELL)

(MUZAK PLAYS)

What the fuck does that mean? Ruby giving me hugs and tickles?

I'm not sure. You seemed to be enjoying it, though.

'(JAUNTY MUSIC)'

What was that joke again about the meat in the sea?

It was a bit choppy. Oh, yeah!

That was it! (LAUGHS)

Norma will love that one!

I'll have to tell her.

Ahh...

We had a really good night, didn't we?

Yeah. Yeah, it was all right.

(SIGHS) Listen, why don't you stay at mine tonight?

Let Norma have a peaceful sleep.

Stay at yours? Yeah.

Why not?

I reckon you should go in. It's obvious you've got a thing for her. Eh?

She's been in your dreams every night, hugging and tickling you.

You fancy her. '(TWINKLY MUSIC)'

Are you coming in or not?

Go on!

Ruby, what's the deal with Adam? Will he be coming back or what?

Oh, don't worry about him. He won't be coming back here.

The bedroom's over there. I'm just going to use the bathroom.

(TRAIN HORN BEEPS LOUDLY)

(BRAKES SCREECH)

Go on, what you playing at? You're not waiting for a tip!

Get your pants off.

(SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE)

(MUTTERS)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Oh. Well, if you're already in bed, I'll be off, then.

Where you going? What do you mean? If you're staying in my bed, I'm staying in yours, right?

That way, you won't wake Norma up with your laughing.

Oh, will you pass me the leggings?

Thanks.

Right, well, sweet dreams.

Bye!

Yeah, see ya.

(DOOR SHUTS)

What a fucking idiot.

'(UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)'

(LAUGHS)

I'll see you

In my dreams

Hold you

In my dreams

Someone

Took you

Out of my arms

Still, I feel

The thrill

Of your charms

? Lips that once... ?

Subtitles by Deluxe AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0