Original subtitles

Hugging up a big monkey man

Ay-ay-ay

Ay-ay-ay

Hugging up a big monkey man

Ay-ay-ay

Ay-ay-ay

God, look at the state of you. So hairy, aren't you?

Honestly, I don't know why you're worrying about your eyebrows.

You need to sort out your back. Proper mess.

It's tricky, in't it? I'm not double-jointed.

It wouldn't be that bad if you were all hairy.

It's all clumpy. It grows in clumps like cress.

You know how cress grows?

That's not it, you know. After that, you've got to sort your arse out.

And if I'm being honest, your bollocks need doing as well.

You can't trim it short in some places, leave it long in others.

You're not a poodle.

(MONKEY MAN CONTINUES PLAYING)

(ELECTRIC RAZOR WHIRS)

What's that?

It's a bump. How have you not noticed that before?

I'm not surprised you haven't seen it.

Looks like you've got Brian May living in your pants.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Come on, Karl. What the hell are you doing in there?

I've been waiting for ages.

Can I show you something?

Sitting here in limbo

But I know it won't be long

It's not good. That is not good news.

You know doctors don't always get it right?

Maybe get a second opinion.

I'll be back in a minute, OK? Sure.

(BIRD CAWING)

Do you want to talk about it? No.

You know, I did some research online

and they say that if you catch it early enough, it's highly treatable.

Ruby, I'm fine. No, you're not fine.

I can tell you you're not fine. I'm fine.

The doctor said the lump is just an infection from an in-grown hair so I'm fine.

I'm so fine, he said I could be on the planet for another 40 years.

Well, that's great news, then, isn't it?

I thought that when he first told me. But then think about it.

Another 40 years of this?

Another 40 years of feeling useless? Really good, isn't it?

What's the point?

All right. That's it. Come on, get up.

We're going for a walk. I don't want to go for a walk.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and let's get out of here

and go for a walk... over a bloody in-grown hair.

Look, if you don't mind me asking, have you ever had a wax down there?

Because that can really help.

They don't really do that on the NHS.

Happiness runs in a circular motion

Thought is like a little boat upon the sea

You know, since I moved to London, the skyline's changed so much.

I know. And I've done nothing.

You're doing it again.

I should take a couple of these. What are they?

The doctor gave them to me when I told him how I felt

about being on the planet for another 40 years.

He said they'd stop the negativity.

Anti-depressants.

Take them if you want.

But if I were you, I'd try and deal with the issue.

I know what the issue is. I feel useless, don't I?

How do you sort that out?

Something must have happened to make you feel that way.

You know? You weren't born useless.

There was this one time in primary school

with me mate, Tony Collins.

OK. We'd wagged it from maths.

We were sat in the cloakroom playing on this electronic game.

It had flashing lights and the longer you played,

the faster the lights went, know what I mean?

Tony had this problem with flickering lights.

Photo-sensitive epilepsy.

Is that what it is?

He started having a fit.

Flapping about on the floor like a fish out of water, he was.

And I just froze. I didn't know what to do.

Panicked a bit.

I just sat there looking at him.

And then Greg came through, another mate,

and straightaway he was right on it.

He didn't hesitate. He took his jumper off,

wrapped it round Tony's head so he didn't bang it on the bench.

Grabbed his tongue, so he didn't choke on it.

He was totally covered in gunk, you know, spit, saliva and that.

All over him it was.

He looked like a farmer that had just delivered a calf.

I sometimes wonder if Greg hadn't wandered through at that point,

you know, how would that story have ended?

Do you know what I mean?

And ever since then, I dunno, I've always felt useless.

Why? Did Tony say you were useless?

No, he didn't say a thing.

Why are you making such a big deal about it?

Why don't you just talk to him?

He's up in Manchester. I haven't been there for 20-odd years.

(TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT)

What happened has happened, hasn't it? You can't undo the past.

Going back to Manchester's a total waste of time.

Maybe Ruby had a point.

She said Tony might not even think I am useless.

Why are you listening to Ruby instead of me?

All right, then, let's say Ruby's got a point

and Tony didn't think you were useless back then.

What's he gonna think when he sees what your life is like now

when you tell him that you had a go at being an executive driver and failed at it,

when you tell him that you're single and living with your auntie?

How's that little lot gonna go down?

How are you gonna convince him that you're not a loser now?

(SIGHS)

What are you doing?

I'll take some of these, block out your negativity.

You don't have to do that. What's the point of that?

That's another waste of time, anyway. That's not gonna work.

What difference is that gonna make?

You don't know me where I live

My tracks may soon go everywhere

Because there ain't no other place for them to go

Where I dwell outside of now

For me that's really hard to say

Sometimes I'm not really sure I even know

What's the difference being different

It's difference now that looks alike

You say I'm changing, I'm not sure that's wrong

It's just the centre line on this highway runs up my guitar neck

And I feel somehow that it's natural to be gone

What crazy patterns do we follow?

Sitting knee to knee upon

Some riverbank somewhere it's supper time

The evening air is moving like molasses

Towards the sticky night

So easy as I press your hand in mine

All right, Tony? All right?

You did well to get out of this place, man.

I should have done the same.

(FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON COMPUTER GAME)

So what do you do down there, then?

I'm in like...

transportation.

Mm-hm? Like private executive cars.

I'm doing all right. Uh-huh?

Must be to have a place in fancy London.

I passed Manor Primary on the way here.

A lot of memories came flooding back. Oh, yeah.

A long time ago all that, in't it?

All a bit daft back then, weren't we?

Speak for yourself.

Have you got any memories of that place?

Yeah. One.

It was so fucking cold in there, man, weren't it?

I don't remember taking my coat off once at that school.

Oh.

So you was in Mitchell's class, right?

Yeah. I was sat right behind you.

I used to always be playing hand-held computer games.

You think you'd be better at this, then. 4-0.

So the message I was sent on Facey B was from someone called Ruby.

Is that your missus, then?

Good-looking girl, that.

Yeah, I've been seeing her for a bit.

Yeah, I was looking at her photos.

You've done well there, bub.

I gotta be honest... (BELCHES)

..when you messaged me about meeting up...

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

..I couldn't put a face to the name.

I don't understand that. We knocked about together for ages.

We used to wag lessons together.

Really? Yeah.

Gee, man, I can't remember.

It was a long time ago, though, right? A long time ago.

Jeez, nearly fucking 40 years ago.

What a goal!

Get in!

5-0.

(WATER RUNNING)

So you're just gonna bullshit your way through this trip,

telling him you got your own business and a woman at home?

What are you doing back?

The pills have worn off, haven't they?

The good news is he doesn't remember you as a useless twat after all.

It looks that way.

But then again, looks like he doesn't remember you at all.

I'm not sure what's worse. What do you mean?

Is making no impression on someone better than making a bad one?

You must have been a pretty boring kid for him not to remember you.

I wasn't boring. Why do you keep doing this?

Is your main goal in life to make me feel like shit?

Will you stop taking them tablets? You can't block me out.

Just accept it, people are like farts.

Some are big and loud, some go unnoticed.

Looks like you're the latter.

Margarita lived round here, didn't she?

She used to terrify me as a kid.

Yeah. She used to push the pram about with a bucket in it.

With a face drawn on it.

Not funny, really. You know why she did it?

She lost a kid. Is that right?

Aye. Jesus.

Do you remember Lillie Morris? Of course I do, yeah.

I used to well fancy her. I bet you did, who didn't?

She used to always give us a punch.

Punch you? Why?

Just every time she saw me, she gave me a thump.

I didn't mind. I quite liked it.

You what?

It was a little bit of attention off her, a bit of physical contact.

Right.

Place here on the left, she owns it.

A tattoo parlour? Yeah.

Let's bob in, say hello to your old sparring partner.

I don't know about that, Tony. Come on.

(WOLF-WHISTLES)

Hiya, babe. How you doing, all right?

Good, yeah. You?

Remember this knob jockey? Who is it?

Thank God for that. It's not just my memory that's fucked up.

You haven't a clue neither, have you? Come on.

Karl. You used to give me dead arms at playtime.

Oh, my God. Look at you!

Did I punch your hair out or summat? (LAUGHS)

Come here! How are you?

I'm good.

Good to see you. You too, yeah.

Come through to the back, I'll put a brew on.

So you remember me, then?

Yeah. You were my favourite little punch bag.

Looks like you're still making people black and blue.

And red and green.

You used to let me hit you all the time. Why did you let me do that?

Cos he fancied you, like the rest of us little gobshites.

Really? Oh.

I used to have a soft spot for you.

Really? Well, you can't have him now.

He's doing all right. Check this out.

He's with her now. Ruby.

Wow!

Ruby, Ruby, Ruby

Na-na, na-na-na

(CHUCKLES) Is she cool as?

She's all right, yeah.

Come on, let me give you a tat.

Hey, I'm not sure about that.

Sit down. No chance.

Don't be boring. I remember that about you.

You were always a boring little sad sack. I wasn't boring!

Look at him getting all upset cos we thought he were boring.

Why get involved? You don't know anything about me. Your memory's shit.

He was boring. Yeah. He never used to come down the mills with us.

Nothing to do with me being boring. I just didn't believe the place was haunted.

It was bollocks. You were boring!

I wasn't boring!

Listen, even if I was a little bit boring, I'm not now.

I've changed.

Tony, get your arse off there. Come on, I'll show you who's boring.

Come on! That's you sorted.

(LAUGHS)

(WHIRRING)

(GROANS)

It's taking ages.

What are you actually doing back there?

It's a surprise.

I told you, I just wanted, like, a small eagle.

(GROANS) Sorry.

Don't mind him. He loves you giving him a bit of pain, don't ya?

Ever tattooed a chimp before? He's not that hairy.

Joking, are you?

Do you have a shower or just run a vac over yourself?

(CHUCKLES) Ruby must like it.

Leave him alone.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

All right.

Let's have a look, then. No.

Eh? Wait till the swelling's gone down.

So she had a bucket in a pram because she lost a kid.

Still going on about Margarita. It's boring.

(MUSICAL RINGTONE) I'll get this.

It's Ruby. I'll be with you in a second.

All right? Is Norma all right?

She's fine. I'm just checking you're OK.

Yeah, all good.

Tony doesn't remember a thing.

I told you that would be the case. It's all in your head.

How do you fancy some chips? Go on, then.

Who's that you're with? Just this girl I know.

Ooh, just a girl?

Have fun. I've got to massage Norma's legs now.

Nice one. Jealous of you. Talk to you later.

Bye. See you.

I'll get these.

After all these years, I finally get a date with you.

Tony here playing gooseberry.

It was all right getting takeaway because of the fluorescent lights.

I don't know if you remember - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll get takeaway. I remember.

He doesn't have any hang-ups

He spends his time looking through other people's eyes

The goodness is clear

He doesn't have any hang-ups

(GIGGLES)

Oh, why don't we go down the mills?

Yeah, man. I'm game for that.

No. Come on!

No. I'm going back in a bit, anyway.

You're right about him. What a boring shit.

I'm not boring at all.

I got a tattoo before. I didn't see you get one.

Too right! I'm not having my arse scrawled with everlasting ink.

You should think before you ink. Hey.

I've got a business. It's not gonna run itself.

Oh, that's a shame. Is it?

It's been nice to see ya.

Good seeing you as well, Lillie.

Come here.

(GRUNTS)

Like old times.

I'd say it was nice to see you again,

except I don't ever remember meeting you in the first place.

Tony.

See ya, Karl.

See ya.

Well, that went well, didn't it?

What did I say to you before?

I told you it'd be a waste of time coming back and I was right. You can't undo the past.

I might go down the mills. What for?

I don't want them remembering me as being boring.

How many of them have you had? You're getting silly now.

Lonely

I'm Mr Lonely

I have nobody

Wait, wait. Tony?

Stop messing about, will you?

It's not funny.

I'm Mr Lonely

Wish I had someone

To call on the phone

I don't feel good at all.

Of course you don't. You've had too many of them pills.

You shouldn't be mixing them with drink.

Lillie?

I know you're round here.

(MUSIC DISTORTS)

That's why I'm lonely

I'm Mr Lonely

I wish that I could go back home

(MOANING AND PANTING)

Karl? What the fuck are you doing?

Do you mind?

Tony?

He's having a fit!

Karl! Jesus Christ, the lights, turn them off, Karl!

What the fuck is wrong with you? Help me, you useless lump!

Tony!

(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)

Sorry about that, Tony.

What were you thinking?

Eh?

You fucking useless boring twat!

Brilliant.

(WOMAN SINGS IN FRENCH)

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