All language subtitles for James.Vs.His.Future.Self.2019.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

Well now that makes
even less sense.

I'm not stupid. You're stupid.

Doctor?

Doctor.

Movie night's
officially underway.

Come on, let's go.

Your Cantonese chow mein's
getting cold.

Come on!

Okay.

So, what movie
are we watching?

Oh, come on.
You had one job...

pick the movie!

I know but I'm closer
than I thought.

The Higgs Boson

perpetuating
the Higgs Singlet...

No, no, no.
No, remember,

we said no dirty talk
on movie night.

No.

Okay, okay, fine.

A little bit of time travel
theory dirty talk,

but no equations.

Okay, so you know
how I originally thought

I needed
a particle accelerator

operating at 40 TeV
to test my theories.

Oh, boy. Do I ever.

'Kay but I think with
a few more adjustments

I could get it
to work at 20.

Yeah but see, the Large Hadron
Collider only goes to 13.

Get it down to that
and I'll hook you up

once I get that job at CERN.

I... I just don't understand

why you wanna go
all the way to Switzerland.

I don't know why you won't
apply for a job there.

No one has a bigger hard-on
for the LHC than you do.

'Cause Dr. Rowley's here.

But she doesn't even have
a particle accelerator!

Why do you care so much if
I move to Switzerland anyway?

Hmm?

I don't. I don't care.

Great.

Yeah. Go. Enjoy.

- I will go.
- Go to Switzerland...

- I am going.
- Enjoy the mountains...

- That's what I'm gonna do.
- ...and the chocolates

and the little army knives
and mysterious bank accounts.

Enjoy.

Oh my god.

What are you doing?

Oh, I am taking mine to go.

But what about...
what about movie night?

The only reason why
you came out of the garage

is because you're literally
starving and I had food.

I'm not literally starving.
Meredith made me pancakes.

You know what?

Don't worry about it.

- We'll just do it tomorrow night.
- Ah...

And don't try to tell me
that you have plans,

because the only person that you
could possibly have plans with

is currently
standing in front of you

giving you a lecture about
how you don't have any plans.

Don't stay up late.

I'll pick you up
for work at 8:00.

Honest to God, bro.

Hey, if you're not gonna
date Courtney, can I?

I'm right in the middle
of something here, okay?

Absolutely. Super, super-duper
important science stuff, right?

Mm-hm.

Gotcha.

Hey, so, I thought
that you'd like to know

that tomorrow
is the 15th anniversary.

I know what day it is.

Right, so, I thought
that we should...

spread the ashes.

I really don't think this is
the right year for that.

Mm-hm, but you've been
saying that every year

- since the tenth anniversary.
- I feel like it's more of

a 20th anniversary
sort of thing,

you know,
a nice round number.

Yeah but it's gonna suck
whenever we do it, James,

whether it's...

...then or now, so we...

James.

Another time.

James.

Fine.

Fine. I'll...

I'll meet you there
tomorrow after work, okay?

Okay.

Hey.

I think I'm gonna be up
for a while.

Can you please make me
a cup of coffee, please?

Dude, you have a PhD in
experimental particle things.

Physics.

It's hot water filtered
through coffee grinds,

that's it. Jesus fuck, man.

Hey.

Check out that sky tonight?

You can see the constellation
Equuleus.

It's a small horse.

No, thank you.

All right.

Hey, you like Delta blues?

Oh, nothing gets me through the
night like a little Delta blues.

Oh-ho!

Bom-bom, bow.

I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna have to
exercise my right

to a conversation-free ride.

All right.

Hey, you never know when
you might meet someone...

have a conversation
that could change your life.

Um, excuse me,
why are we stopped?

I just wanna talk to you,
James.

Wha...

You don't wanna do that.

James.

Come on!

Help!

Somebody help me!

Who the hell runs into an alley
when they're being chased?

Really?

What's your plan, bud?

Oh, I don't think you've
run the numbers on that jump.

Please don't kill me!

I have a wife
and two small children.

You do not.

No, uh...

You leave now
and I won't hurt you, okay?

I know parkour.

That's not how parkour works.

Uh...

No, no.

Oh.

Oh!

Ah... ah... Agh.

Ahh!

Ah, shoulda seen that comin'.

Ah.

Ow.

Well hello, Sunshine.

Welcome back.

What's happening?

What...

Why did you take my pants?

Oh, yeah.
You peed yourself.

From the taser,
presumably.

No. No, no, no. Stay there.

I know what this looks like.
I know.

I know
your instinct is to run,

but please, just...

you just gotta listen,
all right?

Let's do this the easy way.

All right.

Ah, fuck it.

Oh.

Ah! Agh!

What the...

Wha... wha... what did you
MacGyver a solenoid?!

Ah! Ah! No! No-no-no...

Tomorrow, Dr. Rowley
is gonna announce

that she is offering a permanent
position for a new project

and she will be
seeking submissions.

How do you know this?

You will be tempted to submit
your time travel theory

which is fuckin' genius
but you will not!

You cannot. If you do,

you will end up
desperately alone,

driven insane!

You will end up losing
everyone that you care about!

That's too big.

That's... that's too much.
Yeah, sorry.

That... no.
Start off slower.

Yes, simple. Simple.

I'm gonna keep it simple.

I'm going to simply introduce
myself to you, that's all.

No, no, no.
I don't wanna hear your name.

No, no, seriously.

You leave right now,

it's like this
never happened, okay?

I... I barely even remember
what you look like.

It's like super cloudy.

James Dolinsky.

Why... why are you saying
my name like that?

It's terrifying.

That's my name too.

I am also James Dolinsky,

because I am you.

From the future.

I'm from the future!

You... you're from
the fu... We...

not you-you, me-you...

We are from the future!

Okay, that's good!

Very, very funny.

Well done. You got me.

Meredith,
you can come out now, okay?

And by the way,

in the history
of shitty sisterly things

that you have done to me,
this one takes the prize!

Look, I know it's a lot
to take in. All right?

It's a lot
to digest, absorb.

Oh my God.

Okay, all right.

Okay. Sure, I'll play.

So you're me, from the future.

So tell me, Me,

how do we execute my brilliant
time travel theories, huh?

You already know.
You're working on it.

Harnessing the power
of the particle collider.

Okay.
Very, very impressive research.

You've been briefed, I see.

Now, has my idiot sister
also told you

that the Large Hadron Collider
in Switzerland

operates at a TeV of 13...

Yeah, and you need 40.
I know.

But what you don't know

is that Rowley
already has one.

She does? Wow, okay.

So tell me, where does she, uh,
where does she keep

this multi-billion dollar
enormous secret machine?

That's the crazy part.
It's tiny!

It's like... it's like this big.

She keeps it in her office
behind a table!

Oh, behind the table.

All right.

Why would he believe that?

That necklace that you're hiding
inside your shirt,

with the ashes
of Mom and Dad in it...

Meredith has one of those too.

And in fact, tomorrow
is the 15th anniversary

of the day
that their plane went...

Okay, you listen to me,
buster.

I don't know who you are,

but you have...
you have precisely 30 seconds

to get your butt
out of my garage...

God fucking damn it!

That's it.

Ah!

What are you doing?

We have the same dick.

Hooks to the left,

three freckles on the tip,
like the Big Dipper.

Oh my God!

Oh, come on.
Now don't be like that.

Just take a look at my dick,

we can clear
this whole thing up.

Please put your penis away,
Sir.

Come on, there is
nothing weird about this!

Okay, all right.

Well, let's take
your dick out

- and we'll see if the Little Dipper...
- I believe you!

I believe you! I believe you!
I'll do what you say!

Okay, I'll quit my job.

All right, well then look
at my fucking cock!

Ahh! Ah! Ah.

How far back can we go?

Oooh-kay.

Okay, Siri, call 9-1-1.

My brother's being molested.

It sounds like talking
with someone might help.

You can find me
where Bryan Gunderland

beat the shit out of you
in seventh grade.

...9-1-1 support...

Oh goddamn it, Siri!
You're so unreliable.

Back away, perve-ass.

Hold your fire, Meredith.
I'm leaving.

Oh! God.

Thank you.

So in which direction was
this man's penis bent exactly?

I am not answering that.

Did this man's penis
in fact resemble yours?

Maybe you could work
with our sketch artist.

Can't you do one
of those line-up things?

What?

I'm not looking at a row
of weird dicks.

Look, the point is,

I'm not even
pressing charges here.

This man...

Hey, you called us.

She called you.

You're an idiot.
What are you gonna do?

You're just gonna
let this guy walk away

after everything
that he did to you?

You've done
so much worse to me

and I sleep in the room next
to you with the door unlocked.

That's not helping
your argument.

Okay, look.

This man sounds
potentially dangerous,

but I cannot force you to do
something you don't wanna do.

If you change your mind,
call me.

Doctor.

- Doctor.
- Come on!

The most amazing thing
happened last night...

Yeah, Rowley just emailed.

She said she wants us all in

for an announcement
in 20 minutes.

An announcement.

This is the part
where you get in my car

and then we drive away?

Yeah, yeah.

- No, no, no.
- No?

Remember? Just let me...

All right.

Looks like
The Great and Powerful Oz

hasn't materialized yet.

You know, for someone
who spends so much time

worshipping
CERN's Hadron Collider,

you do your fair share
of mocking the person

who actually helped
build the thing

and who wrote you a very nice
letter of reference,

I might add.

I'm sorry, I missed that
due to cataclysmic boredom.

Ha ha.

Attention, colleagues.

As you know,
the Rowley Institute

has recently celebrated
its third year.

Where was I?

Attention, colleagues.

As you know,
the Rowley Institute

has recently celebrated
its third year

since opening its doors.

Now you applaud.

Our stock has shown
unprecedented growth

resulting in an influx
in financing.

I have convinced the board to
allow me to use this money to...

..offer a permanent position

to one of you, my valued
employees and colleagues,

where you will lead a team

on a new project
of your choosing.

Project submissions
are due Friday. And remember,

a tiny change today...

...brings a dramatically
different tomorrow.

This is another place
where you applaud.

So here's the facts.

We know
that I invent time travel.

We know that I do it
with Rowley.

Hey! Dr. Rowley,
you're not gonna believe this.

I'm gonna become
a future time tra...

That doesn't work.
She'd fire my ass.

Should tell Courtney.

How can we not tell Courtney?

I feel like not telling
Courtney's a dick move.

Courtney, you're not gonna
believe this.

I become a time traveller.

I figure out time time travel
and I come back

and I take myself hostage

and I pull down my pants
and I show myself my penis.

Ah! Why does every scenario end
with me showing someone my dick?

Oh... wait a minute!

I talk to him.

Pros and cons.

Pros, talk to him,
you get some answers.

How did it work?
How did you figure it out?

How far back can we go?

Cons, mmm, interacting with him
could create a paradox,

could destroy
the entire universe.

That's very bad.
Paradoxes are bad.

Universe is good.

Of course,
I talked to him yesterday.

Talked to him yesterday,
universe still here.

Universe is fine, right?

Universe is good.

Should I go alone
or should I bring someone?

I should bring someone.

Should I bring someone?

No, not gonna bring her.
Okay. Here we go.

In here!

How'd you know
I just got here?

Well, we have
the same memory.

Although things keep changing
so it kinda updates.

I don't know,
it's hard to explain.

You mean like a...
like a download?

Uh, sorta like déjà vu,

only backwards.

And colder.

30 minutes ago you decided
you were gonna come find me

and so my memory changes.

You're taller than me.

Oh, yeah.

Taller, better,
slightly bigger dick.

Time travel
really fucks you up, man.

The past and the present
both pullin' you towards them,

it stretches you out
a little bit each time.

More, depending on
how far back you go.

I mean, this trip
did me in, man.

Look at me!

I think my brain's
stretching too.

Put those on the table,
would ya?

Yeah.

Hey, when did we
learn to bake?

Oh, about the same time

we learn sewing and gardening,

how to build
an off-the-grid sewage system.

See, that...
that's amazing to me.

You want me
to give all that up?

Yeah, well, we are forced
to learn all that

because we have to live
in isolation!

And rely on our
survival skills,

which, by the way,
you don't fucking have.

What else? What else?
Come on, I'm all ears.

Tell me more.

Look,

time travel... it's amazing,

for like ten minutes.

And then it's like you're
being forced to watch reruns

of a show that you hate
and can't turn off.

I have no idea
what that means

but I want you to
tell me everything.

Now tell me... tell me,

how far back can we go,
huh?

Look, our whole life...

our whole life we've had
an all-consuming passion

to be the master of time.

But you don't even appreciate
the time you're in right now!

The beauty that can surround you
at any given moment...

Would ya slow down
on the fucking croissant?

Here.

Little bite.
Let it melt on your tongue.

Hm? Slow.

Slow.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Twelve years from now,

Rowley and I figure out
how to send me back in time.

A one-way trip every time.

I mean,
there's no way forward.

Right, so you have
to stay there,

just waiting
for time to catch up.

Exactly, exactly.
And we're pushing it.

I mean, we start off
with a few minutes,

then a day, a month, a year.

Two years, three years,
five years!

I'm stuck
in a place like this

wasting away,
total isolation!

Meanwhile,
I'm bouncing through time,

Rowley's sitting in her desk,

having the same cup of tea!

Wait a minute, so,

lemme get this straight.

So what you're telling me

is that on top of becoming
the world's first time traveller

I'm also gonna have
these years

of peaceful sabbaticals
with nothing but solitude

where I can practice
my theoretical applications?

Is that what you're saying?

What? No!

You do not want this life!

Yes I do.

I do want this life.

You're too late!

This is science.

It's what I'm meant to do.

You don't have a fucking clue.

There's a reason
I came back now.

I'm still sort of a good guy
when I'm you.

But Friday, man,
that's doomsday.

You take that position,

that is the beginning
of the end.

Your ego,
your self-righteousness,

it's gonna smother

all the other parts
of your life...

love, joy, family.

So I came back to stop you

from making that mistake,

one way or the other.

What if I can do both?

No, what if I...

can change?

Like,
fundamentally change

by Friday,

and then
accept the position?

I'll vanish.

If you truly,
fundamentally change,

then you won't make
a complete mess of my life

and there will be no reason
to come back,

and thus, I won't exist.

Okay.

But if you don't get your shit
together by Friday,

I am gonna fuck up
your life so bad

that you'll never invent
time travel in the first place.

- Oh, that's my...
- Yeah, I know.

I'm gonna need that
for um...

Oh, I know what
you need it for, yeah.

Why don't you come back for it
after I'm gone?

Um...

You... okay.

Just gonna put it in there?

So, uh, quick question.

- If you were me...
- I am you.

So, how would you advise me

to start this
process of change?

Um, maybe have some
quality time with Meredith?

You need to do the thing
that if you don't do it,

you're gonna regret it
for the rest of your life.

You need to tell Courtney

how you really feel about her.

She's the greatest thing
that ever happens to you

and you just let her
slip through your fingers.

That's not...

Courtney is my friend

and I do not feel
that way about her.

Of course you do,

you just keep it all
locked up inside

and then you jerk off
thinkin' about her,

real quiet so that
Meredith doesn't hear.

I masturbate
at an appropriate volume.

What, you think
I should be louder

so that my sister can hear?

It's eerie quiet, okay?

It's like you're drivin'
a fuckin' Prius.

Okay, let's just say
hypothetically

that I did have certain feelings
for Courtney.

You do.

How do I tell her about... that,

without, you know, jeopardizing
the friendship that we have?

I'll show you!

Yeah, I don't think
that's a good idea.

It'd be my pleasure.
I insist.

Yeah, and I...
I insist that you don't.

I got you.

I don't know
what that means...

I gotcha covered.

Why are we here?

I should be home
for my movie date with Courtney.

You're meeting Meredith here
to dump the ashes.

She's gonna be here
any minute.

Right, of course.

Hey! It's important.

Yeah, I know.

I know.

Okay.

So uh, what's your plan
with Courtney?

I'm gonna do what you said.

You know,
what you suggested.

I'm gonna be in the moment.

I feel like you're just
tellin' me what I wanna hear

so I'll leave.

I got this. Okay?
Trust me.

Oh, boy.

I love you!

See? Isn't this better
than working on your proposal?

I commend your choice, Doctor.

Well, thank you.

I am trying to, you know,
live in the moment a bit more,

appreciate life and stuff.

Here you are.

- What is this, wine?
- Yeah.

Meh, I'm not really
in the mood.

Hey, knock knock!

Anybody home?

Doctor.

Uh, I'm sorry...
have we met before?

I'm James.

James...?

Uh... I'm...
I mean, I'm... I'm Jimmy.

I'm... um...

James' Uncle Jimmy.

Uncle Jimmy.

He's actually...

He's named after me.
It's...

Jimmy! Wow,
it's nice to meet you.

Weird that I've never met you
before, or heard of you.

Yeah, well, I've...

I've been kinda estranged
from the family for a while.

My fault. Workaholic.

Priorities way outta whack.

But I am back now.

Yeah, a whole new man.

Yeah, a lot of time
to sort out my shit.

God, Courtney,
it is good to see you.

Oh!

I mean, I... I assume
that you're Courtney?

Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause James
has described you...

I mean, in passing, before.

Oh.

Anyway, I just got to town,

I thought I'd surprise you,
James, and make you dinner,

but I did not realize
that you had company.

So I... I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Oh no, that's okay.

It's just movie night. Stay.

I don't wanna be
the third wheel.

Third wheel to what?

Him picking apart
every plothole?

- He really is annoying, isn't he?
- Yeah.

I mean, we get it,

the Imperial troopers should
have definitely shot down

the escape pod
with R2 and 3PO,

but then there would be
no Star Wars.

They didn't have to show the
trooper noticing the pod escape,

that's all...
that's what I was suggesting.

Oh my god, what a nerdball.

Hey, have you guys eaten, huh?

No!

Well why don't we
scrap the movie,

I'll cook, we'll eat,

we'll drink,
we'll catch up a little bit.

Okay,
that sounds like fun.

- I'll help you.
- Great!

I like cooking.

Very good.
Thank you very much.

Ah, tequila?

Oh my god, she's incredible.

I told you, I have this.

Yeah, well I realized
sending you in here alone

is like asking a five-year-old
to man a space station.

I'm gonna help you,
all right?

I'm gonna be
your Sherpa guide to love.

How is you being here
gonna help me

profess my feelings
for her?

Just follow my lead.

Yeah, we're gonna talk
about that later.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How 'bout a drink, huh?

Let's have some tequila.

Let's make some chow
and open that bottle!

Let's do it!

You got limes!

Try this.

Um, mm,
I don't like guac.

Oh, this is good guac.
I made it.

Yeah, I had a bad experience
as a kid, so I...

What, you're gonna rule out guac
after one bad experience?

Come on,
you're a scientist, damn it.

You cannot
give up on something

until you have ruled out
every possibility.

- Okay.
- All right!

I'll try it.

Mmm!

He's been in the garage,

just like working for hours,

hasn't eaten in days,
right?

He sees the chicken,
he like eats it off my plate.

Two days later, he's like,
"I have a stomach ache.

"I have to take a shit
but I'm constipated."

Anyway, guess what happened.

Chicken bone
came out of his ass.

Oh my god!

Oh, you got a...

little schmutz on your...

Oh! Right here? No...

May I?

Oh! Yeah.

It's like...

it's like
no matter what I'm doing,

I'm always aware that there's
like an infinite number

of other things
that I could be doing.

Exactly, and the trick is you
gotta keep doing all of them.

Grab as much as you can,

without letting it
fuck you up!

You gotta keep your balance.

Yeah, like stay grounded.

Gravity.

Like gravity,
exactly, yeah.

And not waste
my time and my energy

thinking about
all the other things.

Mmm.

Those "what ifs", baby.

They will drive you insane.

Yeah.

So I don't know.

Like, what's...

like, your advice,
if you have any?

Oh, I don't have
a fuckin' clue!

No!

No, I know.

But I guess there's some sort
of Zen Buddhist bullshit

that probably applies,

you know?

Don't dwell on the past.

Don't dream about the future,
just...

wherever you are, be all there.

Be all there.

Yeah. Wow.

Well, yeah. You know what?

I'm gonna take off.

Oh, no.
It's still so early!

That was great.
Thank you for dinner.

I'm sorry
for crashing the party.

Well, you know what?

I had a really great time.

Thank you so much!

I had so much fun.

Really fun.

That was great.

Thank you so much.

What the hell was that?!

What?

Wh...

How did you...

What did...
what did you do to her?

I listened to her.

You spend years livin' in shit
almost all by yourself,

you get really good
at connecting with people

when you get the chance.

Mostly with prostitutes,
but uh...

I can't do this.
I don't know how.

How the hell... I'm supposed
to just magically transform

a friendship
into a romantic thing?

- I don't know.
- Relax, okay?

You can do this.

You know everything you need
to know about this girl.

You even know
what's going to happen.

She gets the job at CERN,

she moves to Switzerland,

and you get so consumed
with your time travel bullshit

with Rowley
that you never see her again.

What? I... that's not...

I mean...
She's my best friend.

I don't go visit her?

All right. Now,
don't fuck this up, okay?

I got my whole evenin' planned

around this potential
new memory.

Yeah.

Good.

Ow.

Hey.
You wanna finish the movie?

- No.
- Okay.

No, I don't wanna
finish the movie.

I wanna...
I wanna listen to you.

Listen to me what?

Well, I mean, you and I,

we spend a lot of time
together, right?

But we never actually talk
about real things.

We never talk.
I want you to tell me...

What are you thinking
right now?

Um, what's the deal
with your uncle?

Is he married?
Is he stickin' around, or?

Oh my god, I'm joking!

What is happening
to you right now?

Why are you being
so weird?

Do you ever think
about Schrِdinger's cat?

The uncertainty principle,

you mean the cornerstone
to quantum physics?

- Yes, of course.
- Yes, yes.

- So you've got this cat, right?
- Yes.

He puts the cat
in the box.

- No, I know.
- With radiation.

- Is the cat alive or is the cat dead, right?
- Yeah.

- It's both...
- James.

- I don't wanna talk about this.
- until you take a look...

No, listen, listen.
That applies to so many things.

It could be anything.

It could be milk
in the refrigerator.

- Yeah.
- On its expiration date.

Or it could be, uh,

a relationship between
two consenting adults.

What are you doing?

What?

Have you ever...

We're together all the time,
but we never...

Why have we never?

We've never tried
to open the box.

Yeah, because we...

I mean, I thought we didn't
see each other that way, so...

Yeah but the uncertainty
principle, right?

Yeah, but, I mean,
I thought...

well, if something
was gonna happen,

it would've happened by now

and it didn't happen by now,
so, I mean, it's not...

What are you doing?

I wanna know if our cat
is alive or dead?

Are you serious right now?

Yeah.

Oh my god.

Oh, boy.

Oh my god! I'm sorry!

No. No, no, no. Listen...

I'm so stupid.

No, I... Listen.
I'm sorry.

Um, you know what?

I... I am. I'm... I'm...

I'm open.

Not like that. I mean I...

I'm down to try
the opening of the box thing.

Although,
I don't like that phrase.

I think it sounds weird,
but, um...

Look, we're not gonna start
by uh,

making out in your kitchen,
are we?

You know, we can...
maybe we can go out?

Like adults on a date

and if it's not super weird,
you know,

we could maybe, uh,
try the fun thing,

you know, the other part.

Yeah, really?
Would you be open to that?

I... yeah. I mean,

you're not the only science nerd
that gets horny.

- Oh.
- You know, um...

You know how long it's been
since I've been on a date?

Like, a long...
a long time,

and it... it's hard.

It's hard to find someone
when you're ten times smarter

than 98.38%
of the male population.

And... so, you're gonna
ask me out properly.

When you said "horny"
earlier...

James, please focus.

Okay! Okay,
I'm gonna ask you out.

Would you... Courtney,
would you like to go

and open the box with me
tomorrow night?

You're gonna have to...

- No, we're gonna have to rephrase that.
- Fine.

'Cause it just
sounds weird to me.

We can totally do away
with that one.

- So, yeah. Great.
- Listen, you're just...

You're gonna have to put
some effort into it.

- Okay.
- You know?

Um, change your shirt,
for example.

Yes! I have many shirts.

And maybe take a shower?

I'm gonna take a bath
or a shower.

Perhaps.

Whichever, and um,
I'll maybe see you tomorrow.

- Yes.
- I will, I will. Excuse me.

And um, yeah. I'm gonna...

All right.

So yeah, don't mess this up.

I won't. I won't.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Good night.
- Good night.

That was not terrible.

Oh, I forgot to mention,
we can also teleport.

I'm kidding.
I snuck in the back.

So you saw that?

I did it, man. I did it.

I... I told her how I felt.

Now I got a date
tomorrow night.

How does the date go?

Does the date go well?

I have no idea.

It hasn't happened yet.

What I do know
is I'm still here,

which means
we got work to do.

I really don't
have time for this.

I... I should be working
on my presentation.

Spoiler alert:
you get the job.

Now come on up here.

It doesn't even look
like you're doing anything.

I'm calming my mind,

focusing on my breath,
letting my thoughts go.

Get your ass up here.

Okay.

Good.

All right.

Now close your eyes.

Put one hand on your chest,

one on your stomach.

Good.

Take a breath, deep breath.

Good. Now let it out, slow.

Think I'm doin' that wrong.

Meditation isn't about doing,
it's about being.

Being present.

Not letting your mind
take over.

Yeah, that's...

that's not easy for me.

I know that, that's why
I'm here to ease you into it.

Just take it in, the breeze.

The sound of the birds,

the scent of the world.

Ah!

Ah! Good, good.

Now right there.
You're present.

Right now!

You're not thinkin'
about the past,

you're not thinking
about the future.

You are right here,
right now. Good!

Now close your eyes.

Good.

Focus on that searing pain
in your cheek.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Don't fight the pain.
Let it in.

Breathe!

Good.

Breathe!

- Breathe!
- Ow!

Be one with yourself.

- Oh! Why do you...
- Focus.

My god, you want some hotdog
with your ketchup?

Oh, I've missed it
so much.

Wait. We...

We seriously don't have
ketchup in the future?

None.

None. Everybody's worried
about honey, saving the bees.

Let me tell ya,
we way overcompensated

for the bee issue.
Becomes a real problem.

I mean, like, terrifying.

When what we should've
been worried about

was nightshade vegetables.

Not a tomato
on the fuckin' planet.

- Ah, there we go.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

So,
why'd you ditch Meredith yesterday?

I left ya there.
I dropped you off!

I'm tellin' you, you can't
hide shit from me, man.

You think I don't know
that all you wanna do

is go back
and see Mom and Dad?

Huh. Maybe tell them
to not get on the plane.

Wait a second.
Wait a second!

Wait.

So can we go back that far?

No.

No, I couldn't figure it out.

Well, just because you couldn't
doesn't mean that I can't.

I'm you, genius.

Show me your numbers.

You know, I can pick up
where you left off. I...

I ran the numbers.

I nearly lost my mind
in the process.

Look, it took me a long time
to come to terms

with the fact
that we can't save them.

I really think if you let me
run the numbers...

Goddamn it,
listen to me!

You need to take care of this.

You need to be a goddamn
proper fucking brother

to that sister of yours,

because one day
she's gonna leave you.

She's gonna give up on you
altogether

and you're gonna have nobody.

And you're gonna deserve it.

What? It's dirt!

You know what's in these
fucking things? Pigs' assholes!

The dirt is the least
disgusting part of this!

Meredith?

Hey.
I'm sorry about yesterday.

I didn't, uh...

I didn't make it
to the boardwalk.

Really? I didn't notice.

Right. Yes.

Um...

Anyway...

I have a date.

You dress like you're
higher on the spectrum

than you actually are.

Process of elimination... nah!

Yeah? Okay.

Pants?

So, I...

I didn't see you
at the office today.

Yeah. I um...
took a personal day?

Oh.

I meditated.

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

I told you, I'm trying...

I'm trying to be
more present.

Oh.

Has that got anything to do
with Uncle Jimmy?

I mean, I don't know
what happened in the past,

but I think
that he should stay.

I've decided.

He's great!

- Right.
- No?

Are you guys ready to order?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think we are.

Um, let's see.

Do, do, do, do.

So, he's gonna have
the butter chicken.

Yep, he is.

And he's gonna have it
ridiculously spicy.

You know, just spice the hell
out of it. He loves it.

Can do. And for yourself?

Yes. So, she will have the...

Ah. The Marrakesh panini

with extra yoghurt please.

She loves yoghurt.
Lots of yoghurt.

When you think there's
too much yoghurt on there,

add some more yoghurt.

It should be just soggy.

Thanks so much.

Uh, and some more drinks.

I really think
you're gonna love your dinner.

And I think
you will like yours.

No.

So, is this weird?

You and me,
on like a proper date?

Yeah, it's weird. It's...

It's weird, but all dates
are weird, right?

To weird.

To weird.

- Ooh.
- Oh, wow.

Wow. That's...

That's what I wanted.

No problem.

It's good, huh?

Yeah, not bad.

Ooh.

Oh, there it is. There it is.

Want some yoghurt?

- No, I'm good.
- Great.

Okay.

I can't even watch!

I did it.

Oh!

That's classy.

Ugh.

- No.
- I can't do it.

Oh my god.

Oh, that's gonna be hot later,
comin' out.

Hot mud.

- Ugh!
- Later.

Did you not
wanna know that?

- Hey, that's classy.
- Yeah.

This is date talk.

I'm pretty good at dates,
obviously.

I'm... I'm dying right now.

- You got a little, um...
- Mm?

On your...

You have... It's...
No, it's here.

Here. There you go.

You all done here?

- Yes.
- Yes, we are.

I will take this to go,
please.

You want the sauces?

Yeah.
Yeah, my mom and dad,

they used to bring
leftover Indian sauces home

when they went for dinner
and then, you know,

the next day they'd make us
curries or something with it.

You know, it was one of my...

...favourite things.

Okay.
About three minutes.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Yeah, that's the problem.

- Take that off.
- Yeah.

Doctor.

Doctor.

I'm sorry, that was
really presumptuous of me.

No, we can totally do
clothes-on stuff

or we can not do anything.

You're adorable.

What do we do with that?

Use your imagination?

So I go up here?

No, no! Not my face.

On your lips?

- No, not my...
- No?

No.

Neck?

Yeah.

Oh, that feels nice.

That's because when the skin

drastically changes
from one temperature to...

I understand the way
heat transfer works.

Oh, okay.

It's a loop.

What?

It's a loop!

Wait, what?

Uh...

Of course,
of course, of course.

Closed time-like curves

are allowed solutions
in relativity.

In general relativity!

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

Hey, wait. Don't do that.
Don't do that.

I'm just gonna take
one second here, please.

No, no, no.
Take your time.

I can see that that's
really important to you, so...

No, Courtney, wait.

Please, please, Courtney!

Please.

Look, this changes everything

and it wouldn't have happened
if it wasn't for our moment.

Wow, I'm... I'm honoured
to be a footnote

to your seminal discovery.

Make sure you spell
my name correctly

on the acknowledgements.

What are you doing here?

How was your date last night,
shithead?

What? Why are you...

Why are you
even asking me that?

I thought everything I did
was like memory for you.

Well, the alcohol
makes it a little fuzzy

but I'm pretty sure
I'd remember sleeping

with the love of my life
for the first time.

Also, I'm still here,

which means that you didn't
hold up your end of the bargain

which means it's time
for me to fuck up your life.

What?
What are you gonna do?

- Rowley!
- What? No, no, no, no.

You brought this on yourself.

Stop it!

Edna fuckin' Rowley,
where are you?!

Don't do this.

I'll quit. I promise.

No, you won't.

Doctor Edna fuckin' Rowley,

kindly get your ass out here!

Jimmy, what's going on?

I'm Doctor Edna fucking Rowley.

Do I know you?

I am begging you!

Look, I screwed up really badly
with her last night,

but I can fix it!

Okay, but if you...
if you do this

right now in front of her,

it'll ruin any chance I have
with her, so please, please?

Fine.

You got till the end
of the day.

Well,

that was anticlimactic.

A note to all of you:

if you're going to
swear-scream someone's name,

at least have the decency
to say something compelling

when you finally
have their attention.

Hey!

Hey, I uh...

I really need your help.

I don't know who else
to turn to.

Can you meet me at a bar?

I need to tell you stuff, okay?

I need your ideas,
but first I gotta get drunk,

'cause he knows everything...

Stop it!
You had me at drunk.

Sorry.

That's so gross!

Ooh!

I didn't know
you could do that!

That's not healthy.

Not a healthy choice.

Oh! Oh, wait. Okay.

- I got it!
- Okay.

I got it! Okay, okay.

Let's just assume
for a moment,

for the sake of fun,

that we live in your fantasy
nerd-fest reality,

- and this creep actually is you.
- He is.

Okay, so he wants you
to change your life

- so that you don't become him, right?
- Yeah, yes!

And I can change all the changes
that he wants me to change.

I just don't wanna
do it his way,

I wanna do it my way.

So he's in your way!

Sincerely.

- So you know what we need to do.
- No?

We need to get him
out of your way!

Yeah!

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

Are you guys sure
this is the place?

Yes, yes.
I'm a scientist.

He is so smart.

Show her
your science license.

I told you
a million times,

there's no science license.
It's not a thing.

Watch this.
Why is the sky blue?

The light from the sun

is a particular range in the
electro-magnetic spectrum...

There's the fucker!

What? What?!

You are such a shithead,
James.

Wait, sir, I would like
to remind you at this time...

This is it. We're finished.

Kiss life as you know it
bye-bye.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you threatening this man?

Oh, no.

I'm makin' a promise.

He doesn't mean that.

I... I don't want that
held against him

in a court of law or anything.

She's so mean.

Do you think she's single?

Don't touch anything.

Your tetanus shot
isn't up to date.

This place smells
like cardamom and sadness.

Jojo!

Have you seen
this creepy baby?

Boo!

Okay, Uber's almost here.

Let's keep this party going.

What you wanna do?
You wanna go back to the bar?

You wanna go get froyo?

Wanna go back to the bar?

I gotta go to the office.

Do you get it?
I lost everything.

I gotta...
I gotta catch up.

No, the workday's over,
man.

Plus you are still drunk.

You can catch up tomorrow.

Tonight we're gonna have fun,
you and me.

Meredith, please.

I'm out.

Hey, wait. Wait!

Don't be ridiculous.
I'll drop you off at home.

At home? That's just it.
I don't want to go home!

I hate it there.
Do you know that?

All I ever do

is make sure
that you don't starve.

And I put up with all
of your stupid, obsessive...

Forget it.

Wait. Wait a second.
Would you wait a second?

You need me,
I help you, you bail.

Fuck you.

I need a coffee.

I need a coffee.

Anyone here?

Dr. Rowley?

Dr. Rowley?

Courtney.

James?

James, where are you?

Up here!

So...

um, I just...

I wanted to clear the air
after what happened.

Wait, what the hell is this?

If Rowley catches you up here
she's going to...

What is this?

I knew she was working
on a particle accelerator.

How did she...

Oh!

It's not a ring.

No! It's a linear collider.

Do you think that
she made one? I mean...

Yes, I think
that she made one

and I think that it's
somewhere in this building

and you and I
are gonna find it.

Now, that's... that's not
why I came up here.

We have to clean this up.

We have to put everything
back the way it was.

No!

No, no, no,
don't you get it?

You don't ever have to go
to Switzerland!

We have a Hadron collider
right here.

You can stay!

Where...

Courtney...

Courtney.

Hey.

What makes you think

I wanna stay here
with you anyway, James?

Okay, I know. I messed up,

but I'm ready to change.

Really?

You keep saying that, but you
just act weirder and weirder.

Like, what happened in
the office today with Jimmy?

You don't know the first thing
about that nutcase, okay?

He seemed like he needed help.

What?

Why can't we just stop
what we're doing tonight

and go help him?

I think that'd be
pretty difficult

'cause visiting hours
are probably over by now.

- Why, is he in the hospital?
- Nope.

The zoo?

- The zoo?!
- I don't know!

He's in jail!

Jail? Jesus!

James, what happened?

There is stuff that you
don't know about him, okay?

He threatened me, and he
threatened my well-being

and he threatened
my future at this institute

and I will not have it!

Okay, James, come on.

He's family. All right?

You have to bail him out.

Why, so you can fuck him?

Oh, man. Wow.

I'm sorry, I didn't...

Look, I know
I screwed up last night,

but I had a moment of clarity
and I'm not gonna apologize

for wanting to be
a great scientist

just because you're not
fully committed to it.

I'm not fully committed?

Why?

Why, because I actually have a
life outside of this building?

You know what?
Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am into Jimmy.

Maybe I'm attracted
to someone

who knows how to relax
and have fun

and isn't focused
on singlet trails

when he's kissing my tits!

You can't make me choose
between science...

No, no, no. No one's asking you
to choose between anything!

It's about fully committing
to where you are in the moment.

Right. "Wherever you are,
be all there."

Yes! And you don't know
how to do that, James.

Cat's dead.

I can't help who I am.

Well, you know, I...

I really hope that you get
everything you want,

because in the meantime,

I'm gonna be fully committed
to what I want, in Switzerland.

That's right.

Dr. Keller called from CERN.

I got it.

I'm the first Canadian
to be hired

in a permanent position
in the theory division.

How's that for not being
fully committed?

- Wait...
- No, no, no.

This isn't the part
where you follow me

in some grand
romantic gesture, okay?

So what part is this?

It's the part where
you leave me the fuck alone.

Behind the table.

Ha!

You have until tonight
to prove it.

How?

I mean, we don't invent
time travel for another...

Your future self.

Bring him to me.

You've already seen him.

He was the one
that stormed in here

swear-screaming your name
yesterday.

I'll need a closer look.

Yeah, that's...

That's gonna be a challenge.

Um, he knows everything.

He even knows that we're having
this conversation right now.

He would know that
I'd be coming after him.

Fascinating.

Not my problem.

But...

If what you're saying
is true...

if your theories are correct...

I'll make you my partner.

No!

Sorry.

Very good.

Jimmy! Hello?

I know you can hear me.

You weren't
at the police station.

I assume Courtney
bailed you out?

Partner, huh?

Boy, you're really
movin' up in the world.

We can make this right.

It's almost over.

Courtney's on her way
to Switzerland,

Meredith finally
knows the truth.

Yeah, but...

you know it's not working,
don't you?

Your little plan to stop me?

I mean, you haven't
destroyed my career

and you're not gonna stop me
from inventing time travel.

Yeah?
How do you know that?

Because you're still here.

You're right.

That's why we're movin' on
to plan B.

Plan B?

Okay! Great. Plan B.

I didn't know
there was a plan B.

That's...
What is plan B?

Kill Rowley.

Plan B is terrible.
That's a very bad plan.

Very bad plan, you can't...

You can't do that. You...

You wouldn't do that. We...

We don't have that in us.

Oh, I think we do.

Wait.

If you kill Rowley, sure,
we don't create time travel,

but then you can't come back
in time in the first place

to kill her anyway.

You would create a paradox

that would destroy
the entire universe!

Well that's
an interesting theory.

Let's find out.

Fine.

I give up.

You win.

I can't believe
this is what we've become.

I'm not the bad guy here.

James.

Hey, I'm the one
trying to save you!

Hello?

Seventh grade dance.

This is where Bryan Gunderland
kicked our ass.

- Yes, he did.
- Mm-hm.

Right over there.

I believe he farted in our face,
if memory serves.

He certainly did.

Well, don't worry.

I got him back.

Yeah, what?
Did you slash his tires?

I fucked his wife.

What?

- I did!
- You did not.

(UNCLEAR), I'm tellin' ya,
I found her.

Horrible! Horrible!

I have created memories
that I don't even wanna have.

How'd you do that?

Guess I was in the moment.

No...

Jimmy?

Huh?

Welcome back.

Dr. Rowley will be here
any moment.

I trust that you
will be respectful.

Oh my god!

Funny, is it?

Oh, yeah.

It's kinda hilarious
how badly I fucked this up.

And all because
I underestimated

how much of a shithead
I used to be.

I think there's a way
we can all win here.

I really do.

Oh, no.
The only way I win

is if that puckered asshole
of a scientist is dead.

Hey, she's a brilliant mind
and I will not...

You know what?
Save your ass kissing

till she gets here
in about five seconds.

You're gonna need it.

James?

Showtime!

Hello, Edna!

Hello, my dear!

So good to see you!

You're looking quite youthful.

Come in!

Welcome to my humble abode.

I would offer you

a cup of tea,

but I'm a little tied up
at the moment.

It's incredible.

I know. I know! And this is
the work that you and I...

It's incredible that you think
I'm foolish enough

to believe that this blubbery,

bulbous,
pasty-skinned, asexual,

repugnant degenerate
is actually you.

Uh...

Dr. Rowley, please wait.

James, unless you can produce
empirical evidence

in the next ten seconds...

- I can. I ask...
- A tissue sample?

- Well, no.
- Blood? DNA?

Uh, not exactly.

James, what are you...

We have the same,
very specific penis.

It's like the Big Dipper
with, um...

Hey, keep your dick
in your pants there, James.

Edna?

I am so sorry
for my behaviour yesterday.

It was uncouth
to say the least.

How are the treatments going
for the lymphoma?

Oh, right!

Yeah, you just found out
about that last week,

you haven't told anybody.
Sorry!

Hey, spoiler alert though:

you kick the crap
out of the cancer.

Full recovery.

Edna.

It's me.

You don't know me like this,
but I know you.

I know that your first boyfriend
left you for your sister

and you haven't spoken
to her since,

and that your father is
a cold-blooded son of a bitch.

And that's why you never felt
that you had a family,

or ever really needed one.

Stop!

I've never told anyone
any of this.

No, you haven't

and you won't
for about nine years.

Shall I go on?

No!

No.

That's quite enough.

My instincts
were right about you.

Yes, they were.

Oh, this is so good, Edna.

I'm gonna save you
12 years of frustration

and missteps!

Untie me.

Dr. Rowley,
I think you've heard

quite enough for one day.

We don't have to wait
12 years, James.

Your future self
can tell us everything

we need to know today.

- Yes!
- Dr. Rowley,

this technology,

we are going to learn
everything

that we need to learn
and discover ourselves

when we're supposed to.
I strongly believe

that we need to let this
run its course here.

You need to think bigger,
James.

Exactly, exactly.

You untie me,

I'm gonna unlock all the secrets
of the universe.

Okay. Shh.

What is going on?

Why did you do that
to yourself?

Time travel apparently
makes you mildly unstable.

Another thing
we'll need to work out

and another reason
why we don't wanna rush

this process, Dr. Rowley.

All you need to worry about
and all you need to know

is that everything's
gonna work out fine here.

How do you know?

Well, the fact that he
is still here assures us

that it all works out.

Dr. Rowley,
we can do this.

Your engineering breakthrough

with my theoretical work?

I mean, the proof is sitting
right in front of us.

Well, tomorrow should be
an interesting day.

Tomorrow?

I'll announce your promotion
and our partnership.

Now, what...
what do we do

about him?

I mean,
how unstable is he?

Oh, he's fine, he's fine.

But you really should go.
Yeah.

I... I-You know what?

You should treat yourself
to a hotel room tonight.

Yeah, don't go home.

Go to a hotel,
unwind, you know, rest.

You got a big day tomorrow.

Get off the grid!

Don't tell anyone
where you're staying, okay,

especially not me,

and I will see you
in the morning.

Indeed, you shall.

Okay.

I'm gonna untie you,

and I'm gonna take that
out of your mouth,

but you need to listen
to me first, okay?

This is my life.

You had your chance
and I am truly sorry

that it didn't work out
the way that you wanted it to.

But this is what I want.

Maybe you'll never disappear
and that's fine.

You can go and live your life

the way you want to,
now, in the present!

And let me
live the way I want.

Nod if you understand this.

Right. So you...

Okay. I'm gonna...

Gonna get you out of here.
There you go.

Right, right.

You're not gonna
say anything?

Nothin' to say.

You're on your own.

Hey!

Hey.

Uh...

There's somethin'
I need to tell you.

Courtney.

Courtney, come on!
Just slow down.

Give me a second
for God's sake.

Time travel?!

You've been you
this entire time?

You travelled through time

and you didn't think
to tell me

the second
you figured it out?!

I didn't know
how to tell ya.

James.

How could this possibly be
what you end up like?

Well, I'm gonna try
to take that as a compliment.

I... I just can't.

I don't know, I don't know.

What if you are my future?

Like maybe...

maybe you do come
to CERN with me.

Sometimes people meet
at the wrong time.

Like... maybe I was always
supposed to meet you

at this age.

No.

I've seen your future.

And believe me,

being with a 60-year-old
time travelling paradox

is... not an upgrade.

No, you have so
many incredible things

that are gonna happen
to you.

Do you know how long
I've been in love with you?

I blew it.

I blew it so bad.

Turns out I'm too stupid...

to deserve you.

That's why you're gonna go.

You're gonna go to CERN
on your own,

because if you stay here...

nothing's gonna change.

How come you always say
the right thing

at just the right time?

Because I'm from the future.

And I sure as shit got it wrong
the first time around.

Don't tell me how it ends.

Meredith?

Hello.

Hey! You picked up.
Thank you.

I'm kinda busy, James.

Yeah. No, I know.

I'm sorry,
I won't keep you.

I just, uh...

I wanted to, um...

Tomorrow is Rowley's
big press conference, you know,

and I know things
got weird with us

but I really hope
that, um...

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Right.

Yeah, of course.
No, I know.

Uh, what time's
your flight?

You know, maybe
we could just grab...

- I'm sorry, I um...
- ...a quick breakfast before you go?

I have to finish packing.

So...

Um, another time.

Like,
maybe you could come back

as a version of yourself
that has his shit together?

I'll take your silence
as confirmation

that Jimmy wasn't playing
a horrible trick on me.

I really...

I really wanted to tell you.

I...

Smile, James.

Your whole life
is about to change.

All my other projects
are irrelevant,

compared to the work
that we're about to announce.

I'm gonna shut them down.

Just close my facility
completely.

We'll move
into a smaller lab.

This will afford us
enough capital

to fund the work
for five years.

Fi... but we already know
that it takes 12 years.

No.

The first time around
it took 12 years,

but that's because we didn't
know then what we know now,

that it works!

You'd be surprised,

the difference that kind
of confidence makes!

And tenacity and work ethic.

Yes but Dr. Rowley,
Jimmy told us

that we committed everything
to this project.

All of our time,
all of our efforts.

All of our energy. We...

It was all we did!

So we sank our whole lives
into this work,

for 12 years.

So, we'll double our efforts.

Think about it.

Neither of us is married.

We don't have family or any
of the baggage whatsoever.

We don't even have
a single friend between us.

The only person who even
remotely paid attention to you

is about to get on a plane.

There's absolutely nothing
stopping us

from dedicating every
waking moment to this work.

Dr. Rowley, it's time.

Yeah.

All right, let's go!

Now boarding at Gate 12,

flight 394 to Geneva
is now boarding at Gate 12.

Hi.

Oh, hi.
Where are you going today?

Switzerland.

Can you take Leslie?

It's faster.

Hi.

You just made it!

Thank you.

Enjoy your flight.

Hello, everyone,

and thank you all
for being here today.

Today I have come here

to talk about the Rowley
Institute's plans

for the future.

For the past several years,
I've been working

with one of the greatest
scientific minds of our time...

"time" being
the critical word here.

For this young man
has developed the key

to unlocking the very mystery

of time itself.

It was Charles Darwin who said,

"A man who dares
to waste one hour of time

"has not discovered
the value of life."

It is my pleasure

to introduce to you my protégé,

my discovery,

my gift to the world.

A man whose name
will soon reverberate

throughout
the scientific community

and far beyond.

James Dolinsky.

Shit!

What are you doing?

You got a crazy person
with a bow and arrow!

Get the fuck outta here!

Edna?

Edna?

Edna?

What...

What?

Nice work, shithead.

Hi.

Hi...

- Hello.
- Hi.

Tear a little piece off.

What, like this?

Yeah.

Just let it melt

on your tongue.

Enjoy that moment.

Don't rush it.

Holy shit.

Right?

This is...

the best thing
I've ever tasted.

Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

I can't believe you're here.