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1
00:00:03,699 --> 00:00:08,999
I know you wanna leave me,
but I refuse to let you go ♪
2
00:00:09,004 --> 00:00:12,874
If I have to beg and plead
for your sympathy ♪
3
00:00:12,974 --> 00:00:17,014
I don't mind, 'cause you mean
that much to me ♪
4
00:00:17,112 --> 00:00:21,282
Ain't too proud to beg,
sweet darlin' ♪
5
00:00:21,382 --> 00:00:24,452
Please don't leave me girl,
don't you go ♪
6
00:00:24,553 --> 00:00:29,993
Now I heard a cryin' man
is half a man ♪
7
00:00:30,091 --> 00:00:32,831
With no sense of pride... ♪
8
00:00:42,237 --> 00:00:44,837
Ain't to proud to beg,
sweet darlin' ♪
9
00:00:44,940 --> 00:00:46,840
Show me that little
dance y'all be doing.
10
00:00:46,942 --> 00:00:49,012
Now, I done told y'all
to stop running in here.
11
00:00:49,110 --> 00:00:50,480
Yes, ma'am.
12
00:00:50,579 --> 00:00:52,379
I'm going to smack one
of you now, you hear?
13
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,120
Them pants cost $3.98,
baby, you hear?
14
00:00:54,215 --> 00:00:55,575
See that chocolate cake
I bought?
15
00:00:55,684 --> 00:00:58,024
You mean, the chocolate cake
that was on the counter?
16
00:00:58,119 --> 00:00:59,289
Yeah. Where is it?
17
00:00:59,387 --> 00:01:00,757
Well, check Cousin Cecil's
pockets.
18
00:01:00,856 --> 00:01:02,926
He probably got it in there
with the turkey leg
19
00:01:03,031 --> 00:01:04,031
and the sweet potato pie.
20
00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,065
No. Uh-huh.
21
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,496
Hey, little brother.
22
00:01:09,604 --> 00:01:11,814
Show me that little dance
y'all be doing.
23
00:01:11,907 --> 00:01:14,237
Oooh-wheee!
24
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:17,582
Get down, Lester,
you is talking!
25
00:01:17,679 --> 00:01:20,019
You move like you're 21.
26
00:01:20,115 --> 00:01:21,345
That dance ain't new.
27
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,789
It ain't nothing
but the old shuffle-butt.
28
00:01:23,885 --> 00:01:25,315
Well, show me that move.
29
00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:26,990
Oh, Lester,
sit your drunk ass down.
30
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:29,888
Can't you see the kids are
trying to put a show on there?
31
00:01:29,991 --> 00:01:33,261
Lester, she ain't your mama.
32
00:01:34,596 --> 00:01:37,726
Yeah. Yeah. Junior!
33
00:01:40,602 --> 00:01:42,102
Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.
34
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,743
Come on, baby.
Sing a song for Grandma.
35
00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,480
That's my granddaughter.
That's my niece.
36
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:53,077
Ooh-why, ooh-why, ooh-why ♪
37
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:56,021
Why do fools fall in love? ♪
38
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:59,447
Why do birds sing so gay? ♪
39
00:01:59,555 --> 00:02:02,155
And lovers await
the break of day ♪
40
00:02:02,263 --> 00:02:06,373
Why do they fall in love? ♪
41
00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:09,967
Why does the rain
fall from up above? ♪
42
00:02:10,071 --> 00:02:12,541
Why do fools fall in love? ♪
43
00:02:12,641 --> 00:02:15,411
Why do they fall in love? ♪
44
00:02:17,145 --> 00:02:19,575
Come on over here.
45
00:02:22,283 --> 00:02:24,423
Mama, I got a joke.
46
00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,220
Shh. Little Eddie got a joke
to tell. Go on, Eddie.
47
00:02:27,322 --> 00:02:29,932
Eddie. Eddie.
48
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,355
I got a joke to tell.
49
00:02:31,459 --> 00:02:34,359
Once there was a lion
and a monkey.
50
00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:36,572
And the monkey said,
"I can make the weather change."
51
00:02:36,665 --> 00:02:38,225
The lion said, "No, you can't."
52
00:02:38,333 --> 00:02:42,803
So the monkey started
climbing up the tree.
53
00:02:42,904 --> 00:02:45,914
And then he started peeing
on the lion's head.
54
00:02:46,007 --> 00:02:49,107
"Now it's raining!"
55
00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:51,410
Then he started farting.
56
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:04,302
"Now there's thunder!"
Then he started doo-dooing.
57
00:03:15,844 --> 00:03:17,754
"Now it's snowing!"
58
00:03:17,846 --> 00:03:19,446
So the lion said, "Oh, yeah?"
59
00:03:19,548 --> 00:03:22,318
Well, I can make
the stars come out."
60
00:03:22,417 --> 00:03:25,387
And then he kicked him
in the ding-ding.
61
00:03:30,025 --> 00:03:31,425
Thank you.
62
00:03:34,563 --> 00:03:38,573
I love that doo-doo line.
That boy's got talent.
63
00:04:02,798 --> 00:04:04,728
Raw♪
64
00:04:07,936 --> 00:04:09,296
Raw♪
65
00:04:28,489 --> 00:04:30,159
My favorite movie
is Trading Places.
66
00:04:30,258 --> 00:04:31,988
48 Hrs. Has to be.
67
00:04:32,093 --> 00:04:33,163
Trading Places.
68
00:04:33,261 --> 00:04:34,261
Beverly Hills Cop.
69
00:04:34,362 --> 00:04:35,432
Delirious.
70
00:04:35,530 --> 00:04:36,770
All of them. Beverly Hills Cop.
71
00:04:36,865 --> 00:04:38,265
No, 48 Hrs. All of them.
72
00:04:38,366 --> 00:04:39,466
Beverly Hills Cop. 48 Hrs.
73
00:04:39,568 --> 00:04:41,198
All of them. 48 Hrs.
74
00:04:41,302 --> 00:04:43,512
I even liked Best Defense.
75
00:04:46,908 --> 00:04:48,038
Raw♪
76
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,870
Raw♪
77
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,450
Raw♪
78
00:05:27,155 --> 00:05:29,525
I'm looking forward to seeing
him in that leather suit.
79
00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:31,525
I'm telling you,
that behind and all.
80
00:05:31,627 --> 00:05:32,627
Yeah, he's looking sexy.
81
00:05:32,694 --> 00:05:34,104
He looks good. Handsome.
82
00:05:41,803 --> 00:05:43,443
Raw♪
83
00:05:52,113 --> 00:05:53,653
Raw♪
84
00:06:06,802 --> 00:06:10,142
Raw, raw, raw, raw, raw, raw ♪
85
00:06:49,578 --> 00:06:51,448
Thank you.
86
00:06:51,547 --> 00:06:54,877
Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit.
Cool out.
87
00:06:54,983 --> 00:06:59,153
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
88
00:06:59,254 --> 00:07:01,534
And hello, New York City!
89
00:07:06,902 --> 00:07:08,472
Thank you for coming out
to the show.
90
00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:10,570
Don't let the lights and cameras
throw y'all.
91
00:07:10,672 --> 00:07:11,972
We filming a movie here tonight
92
00:07:12,073 --> 00:07:14,213
and y'all going to be
in this shit.
93
00:07:17,212 --> 00:07:20,452
Except only I'm getting paid
for the motherfucker.
94
00:07:20,549 --> 00:07:23,379
Every now and then I take a joke
too far, I get in trouble.
95
00:07:23,484 --> 00:07:26,154
That's why I haven't been on
the road the last three years.
96
00:07:26,254 --> 00:07:27,254
'Cause I did a lot...
97
00:07:27,288 --> 00:07:28,588
Did y'all see Delirious?
98
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:32,029
In Delirious, I was making fun
99
00:07:32,127 --> 00:07:33,557
out of a lot
of entertainers too.
100
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,832
That's when I got scared.
101
00:07:34,930 --> 00:07:36,307
'Cause I did some jokes
about Mr. T.
102
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,631
And Mr. T was going
to fuck Ed up. He was...
103
00:07:38,734 --> 00:07:40,704
And I was scared,
'cause y'all seen Mr. T.
104
00:07:40,802 --> 00:07:43,172
He don't look like, you know,
like he can't fight.
105
00:07:43,271 --> 00:07:45,611
He looks like he can
whip some ass, right?
106
00:07:45,707 --> 00:07:46,807
And I was petrified.
107
00:07:46,908 --> 00:07:48,638
I would walk at parties
and people say,
108
00:07:48,744 --> 00:07:51,014
"Yo, man, Mr. T was just here
looking for you."
109
00:07:51,112 --> 00:07:53,382
He was walking up
to people saying,
110
00:07:53,481 --> 00:07:56,621
"I'm going to whip
Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him."
111
00:07:56,718 --> 00:07:58,688
Then I watched his show,
'cause I didn't know him,
112
00:07:58,787 --> 00:08:00,787
I watched the show to see
what kind of guy he was,
113
00:08:00,889 --> 00:08:02,799
and the character on the show
ain't too bright.
114
00:08:02,898 --> 00:08:04,628
So I figured
if he came up to me,
115
00:08:04,733 --> 00:08:06,303
I could use
the Jedi mind trick on him.
116
00:08:06,401 --> 00:08:09,141
Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard
you did some jokes about me."
117
00:08:09,237 --> 00:08:11,737
"No, you didn't."
"Maybe I didn't."
118
00:08:14,610 --> 00:08:17,810
"I'm going to go beat up the
fool that told me them lies."
119
00:08:17,913 --> 00:08:20,257
I was scared. I'd be at parties,
hear he was looking for me,
120
00:08:20,281 --> 00:08:22,121
I would just leave.
I don't wanna fight Mr. T.
121
00:08:22,217 --> 00:08:24,487
Then I found out Michael Jackson
was looking for me.
122
00:08:24,586 --> 00:08:25,946
And I was like...
123
00:08:26,054 --> 00:08:28,014
Yo, when Mike... My manager
called me up and said,
124
00:08:28,089 --> 00:08:32,029
"Yo, man, Michael Jackson
is mad." I was like, "So?"
125
00:08:33,595 --> 00:08:37,725
You know, 'cause I'd fuck
Mike up. You know, Mike...
126
00:08:37,833 --> 00:08:40,673
Mike don't weigh but
a buck-oh-five, you know.
127
00:08:40,769 --> 00:08:42,039
I bust that ass on Mike.
128
00:08:42,137 --> 00:08:43,867
I was looking for him,
but my manager said,
129
00:08:43,972 --> 00:08:46,012
"We don't know everything
about Michael Jackson."
130
00:08:46,107 --> 00:08:47,607
"He might be this
bad motherfucker"
131
00:08:47,709 --> 00:08:49,039
"behind closed doors."
132
00:08:49,144 --> 00:08:51,084
"He's a recluse. You know,
behind closed doors,"
133
00:08:51,179 --> 00:08:53,009
"he might
be completely different."
134
00:08:53,114 --> 00:08:55,484
And I'd be at a party and have
Michael walk up to me one day
135
00:08:55,584 --> 00:08:56,854
and it'd be like this.
136
00:08:58,319 --> 00:09:00,959
"Can I talk to you for a minute?
137
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,362
"Yeah, what's your motherfucking
problem, man?
138
00:09:03,464 --> 00:09:05,704
"Well, how come you keep
fucking with me then, huh?
139
00:09:05,801 --> 00:09:07,471
"What's all
the motherfucking jokes?
140
00:09:07,569 --> 00:09:08,649
"You don't like my clothes?
141
00:09:08,737 --> 00:09:10,167
"What's your motherfucking
problem?
142
00:09:10,271 --> 00:09:12,171
"I'm
Michael-motherfucking-Jackson,
143
00:09:12,273 --> 00:09:13,173
"I will bust your ass.
144
00:09:13,274 --> 00:09:14,814
"Get the fuck out,
motherfucker...
145
00:09:14,910 --> 00:09:17,150
"I will moonwalk all up and down
your ass, motherfucker.
146
00:09:17,245 --> 00:09:20,615
"You mind your
motherfucking business.
147
00:09:20,716 --> 00:09:22,046
"I hear some more shit,
148
00:09:22,150 --> 00:09:23,920
"I'm going to put this glove
up your ass.
149
00:09:24,019 --> 00:09:25,889
I'll see you later."
150
00:09:27,723 --> 00:09:29,123
That's a dumb... I could never...
151
00:09:29,224 --> 00:09:31,534
I've been trying for five months
to do the moonwalk
152
00:09:31,627 --> 00:09:33,257
and I can't do the shit.
It's shitty.
153
00:09:33,361 --> 00:09:35,531
It's the dumbest dance ever,
'cause I can't do it,
154
00:09:35,631 --> 00:09:37,101
that's why I say it's stupid.
155
00:09:37,198 --> 00:09:39,838
But how can you do the moonwalk
and ask a woman to dance?
156
00:09:39,935 --> 00:09:42,195
Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby,
come on, let's dance."
157
00:09:42,303 --> 00:09:43,543
See you later."
158
00:09:43,639 --> 00:09:45,239
Do the moonwalk.
That's some stupid shit.
159
00:09:45,273 --> 00:09:46,743
Michael can do that shit,
though.
160
00:09:46,842 --> 00:09:48,182
Michael's so famous,
161
00:09:48,276 --> 00:09:50,546
Michael went on television
and everything he says,
162
00:09:50,646 --> 00:09:51,646
the public believes.
163
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:53,150
Went on television and said,
164
00:09:53,248 --> 00:09:55,518
"I don't have sex because
of my religious beliefs."
165
00:09:55,617 --> 00:09:57,087
And the public believed it.
166
00:09:57,185 --> 00:09:59,785
I know brothers were like,
"Get the fuck out of here."
167
00:09:59,888 --> 00:10:01,398
And white people was going,
168
00:10:01,497 --> 00:10:04,327
"That
Michael's a special kind of guy."
169
00:10:04,432 --> 00:10:08,802
"He's special. I mean,
he's good, clean and wholesome."
170
00:10:08,904 --> 00:10:10,744
You know how I knew y'all
believed it?
171
00:10:10,839 --> 00:10:13,039
Y'all didn't get mad
when he took Brooke Shields
172
00:10:13,141 --> 00:10:14,481
to the Grammys.
173
00:10:14,576 --> 00:10:16,976
Nobody white said shit.
174
00:10:17,078 --> 00:10:20,248
And Brooke Shields
is the whitest woman in America.
175
00:10:20,348 --> 00:10:22,318
That's Miss America every year
is Brooke.
176
00:10:22,417 --> 00:10:23,917
Fuck who you see with the crown.
177
00:10:24,019 --> 00:10:25,919
You look up "white woman"
in the dictionary,
178
00:10:26,021 --> 00:10:28,521
be a picture of Brooke
like this...
179
00:10:28,624 --> 00:10:29,934
She's white.
180
00:10:30,025 --> 00:10:31,685
And this nigga took her
to the Grammys,
181
00:10:31,793 --> 00:10:32,933
nobody said shit.
182
00:10:33,028 --> 00:10:34,698
If I took Brooke Shields
to the Grammys,
183
00:10:34,796 --> 00:10:36,696
y'all would lose your mind.
184
00:10:38,199 --> 00:10:40,839
'Cause y'all know Brooke
would get fucked that night.
185
00:10:50,846 --> 00:10:53,576
And Brooke knew too.
186
00:10:53,682 --> 00:10:56,252
That's why we going this year.
No...
187
00:10:58,153 --> 00:11:00,493
Stop. Now, see?
I did jokes about...
188
00:11:00,589 --> 00:11:03,329
I did a lot of jokes about
homosexuals a couple years ago
189
00:11:03,431 --> 00:11:05,431
and faggots were mad.
They were like...
190
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:07,144
And they were...
191
00:11:07,235 --> 00:11:09,805
There's nothing like having a
nation of fags looking for you.
192
00:11:09,905 --> 00:11:11,365
I'd be at parties...
193
00:11:11,472 --> 00:11:13,742
There's always two or three
homosexuals at a party.
194
00:11:13,842 --> 00:11:15,582
They'd be standing around
looking at you,
195
00:11:15,677 --> 00:11:16,907
they'd be looking at...
196
00:11:24,019 --> 00:11:25,989
"He's an asshole."
197
00:11:27,222 --> 00:11:28,992
I can't travel the country
freely no more.
198
00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:31,290
I can't go to San Francisco.
199
00:11:31,392 --> 00:11:34,962
They got 24-hour homo watch
waiting for me in the airport.
200
00:11:35,063 --> 00:11:37,173
Soon as I got off the plane,
they'd be like,
201
00:11:37,265 --> 00:11:41,265
"He's here, yes.
Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!"
202
00:11:41,369 --> 00:11:43,669
And the cars would come rushing
across town. It'd be:
203
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:46,440
And it won't be no siren,
204
00:11:46,542 --> 00:11:48,642
it'll be a real fag sitting
on the roof going,
205
00:11:48,744 --> 00:11:50,254
"Whoo-whoo-whoo."
206
00:11:50,345 --> 00:11:54,815
"Whooooooooooow."
207
00:11:54,916 --> 00:11:58,146
"Pull over. Pull over."
208
00:11:58,253 --> 00:12:00,293
"Pull over. I'm going to
read him his rights."
209
00:12:00,388 --> 00:12:01,998
"You have the right
to remain silent."
210
00:12:02,097 --> 00:12:04,097
"Anything you say can and will
be held against you"
211
00:12:04,165 --> 00:12:05,265
"in the court of law."
212
00:12:05,366 --> 00:12:06,866
"You have the right
to an attorney."
213
00:12:06,968 --> 00:12:08,546
"Now turn around.
I'm going to frisk you."
214
00:12:08,570 --> 00:12:10,310
"Are you carrying any
concealed weapons?"
215
00:12:10,405 --> 00:12:13,975
"Are you carrying...?
What is this? What is this?"
216
00:12:15,476 --> 00:12:18,246
"Lay down on the floor
and spread them.
217
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:19,546
Whoo!"
218
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,194
Do you watch
the Bill Cosby Show?
219
00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:32,392
Yeah!
220
00:12:32,493 --> 00:12:34,303
I do too.
I love Bill Cosby's show.
221
00:12:34,395 --> 00:12:36,495
I been a big fan of Bill Cosby
all my life.
222
00:12:36,598 --> 00:12:37,698
Never met the man before,
223
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:39,369
but he called me up
about a year ago
224
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,237
and chastised me on the phone
for being too dirty on-stage.
225
00:12:42,337 --> 00:12:44,107
It was real weird,
'cause I had never met him
226
00:12:44,205 --> 00:12:45,535
and he just thought it was...
227
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:47,611
He should call me up,
'cause he was Bill,
228
00:12:47,709 --> 00:12:50,409
and tell me that he did...
About what comedy is all about.
229
00:12:50,512 --> 00:12:52,712
And I sat and listened
to this man chastise me.
230
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:55,384
And when Bill Cosby chastises
you, you forget you grown.
231
00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,423
You feel like one of
the Cosby kids and shit.
232
00:12:57,519 --> 00:12:59,989
And I ran in the house
all excited to talk to Bill
233
00:13:00,088 --> 00:13:02,158
and picked up the telephone
and Bill got raw on me.
234
00:13:02,263 --> 00:13:04,203
I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?"
And you hear...
235
00:13:04,299 --> 00:13:08,069
"I would like to talk to you..."
236
00:13:10,238 --> 00:13:14,078
"about some of the things"
237
00:13:14,175 --> 00:13:18,175
"that you do in your show."
238
00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:28,620
"Now, I'm going
to tell you a story."
239
00:13:28,724 --> 00:13:30,064
He always tells you stories.
240
00:13:30,158 --> 00:13:32,458
"I would like to tell you
a story."
241
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:37,271
"I have five children."
242
00:13:37,365 --> 00:13:41,465
"One, two, three, four, five.
Five... Five children."
243
00:13:41,570 --> 00:13:45,540
"I live in Massachusetts
with my wife, Camille,"
244
00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:47,481
"and my five children."
245
00:13:47,576 --> 00:13:52,206
"Now... of the five children
that we have,"
246
00:13:52,313 --> 00:13:54,083
"there are four girls and a boy."
247
00:13:54,182 --> 00:13:57,192
"The boy's name is Ennis.
He loves everything you do."
248
00:13:57,285 --> 00:13:58,845
"Comes home from school
the other day"
249
00:13:58,954 --> 00:14:02,564
"with a big smile on his face.
And my son looks just like me."
250
00:14:02,664 --> 00:14:03,974
"He walks through the door,"
251
00:14:04,065 --> 00:14:06,965
"looking at me
with this big smile,"
252
00:14:07,068 --> 00:14:10,108
"and I cannot resist,"
253
00:14:10,205 --> 00:14:12,365
"because it's such
a beautiful smile."
254
00:14:12,473 --> 00:14:17,253
"And he walks up and I say,
'What are you smiling about?'"
255
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,120
"And the child says to me,"
256
00:14:20,215 --> 00:14:22,275
'I'm smiling because
I need money
257
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,353
'to go see the Eddie Murphy
show.
258
00:14:24,452 --> 00:14:26,422
Please give me money
for a ticket.'
259
00:14:26,522 --> 00:14:30,332
"Now, if the child
is smiling this way"
260
00:14:30,425 --> 00:14:33,255
"because he needs money
for a ticket,"
261
00:14:33,361 --> 00:14:36,261
"I have to give him money
for a ticket."
262
00:14:36,364 --> 00:14:38,534
"I do not handle the money
in the house."
263
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:41,744
"My wife, Camille,
handles the ticket money."
264
00:14:41,837 --> 00:14:43,807
"So I must go into the kitchen,"
265
00:14:43,905 --> 00:14:47,235
"to where my wife is cooking
dinner for the family."
266
00:14:47,342 --> 00:14:49,912
"And she is inside
the kitchen cooking."
267
00:14:50,011 --> 00:14:51,611
"And she's got a bowl."
268
00:14:51,713 --> 00:14:54,253
"And she's cooking up the food,
man. She's cooking it up."
269
00:14:54,349 --> 00:14:58,419
"And the child walks in the room
with the smile"
270
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,220
"and he says,
'Mother, please, money.'"
271
00:15:00,321 --> 00:15:03,301
"She gives him the money,
he runs off to see your show."
272
00:15:03,398 --> 00:15:08,068
"Now, we sit in the living room"
273
00:15:08,169 --> 00:15:11,769
"waiting for Ennis to return."
274
00:15:11,873 --> 00:15:14,013
"At about 5:00 in the morning,"
275
00:15:14,109 --> 00:15:16,179
"the child comes through
the door."
276
00:15:16,277 --> 00:15:19,247
"He has a different look
on his face."
277
00:15:19,347 --> 00:15:21,917
"A look like he heard
something at your show"
278
00:15:22,017 --> 00:15:23,587
"that he's never heard before."
279
00:15:23,685 --> 00:15:28,185
"And I say to my child,
I say, 'Child...'"
280
00:15:28,289 --> 00:15:31,429
"I say, 'What did the man
say on the stage?'"
281
00:15:31,527 --> 00:15:33,157
"And he says,
'Pop, the man comes out"
282
00:15:33,261 --> 00:15:34,331
and says these things.'
283
00:15:34,429 --> 00:15:36,129
"I say, 'Well, what did he say'
284
00:15:36,231 --> 00:15:38,042
"He says 'Pop, he comes out
and says some stuff.'
285
00:15:38,066 --> 00:15:40,666
"I say, 'What did he do?'
'Pop, he walks out and he goes,
286
00:15:40,769 --> 00:15:43,069
"Hello, suck this, and MF
and kiss my big black stuff.
287
00:15:43,171 --> 00:15:45,111
"And suck it and stick it down
in your mouth
288
00:15:45,206 --> 00:15:47,476
and suck it, suck it.'"
289
00:15:53,849 --> 00:15:59,689
"You cannot say filth,
flarn, filth, flarn,
290
00:15:59,788 --> 00:16:01,528
filth in front of people."
291
00:16:01,630 --> 00:16:05,170
And I say, "I never said
no 'filth, flarn, filth'."
292
00:16:05,266 --> 00:16:06,844
He says "You know what
I'm talking about."
293
00:16:06,868 --> 00:16:09,238
"I can't use the type
of language that you use,
294
00:16:09,337 --> 00:16:10,837
"but you know what I mean
295
00:16:10,939 --> 00:16:13,409
when I say 'filth, flarn,
flarn, flarn, filth'."
296
00:16:13,509 --> 00:16:15,509
I say, "I never said
no 'filth, flarn, filth'."
297
00:16:15,611 --> 00:16:17,381
"I don't know
what you're talking about.
298
00:16:17,478 --> 00:16:20,118
I'm offended that you called.
Fuck you."
299
00:16:20,215 --> 00:16:21,875
That's when Bill got pissed
and said,
300
00:16:21,983 --> 00:16:23,693
"That's what I'm talking about."
301
00:16:23,785 --> 00:16:29,085
"You cannot say 'fuck'..."
302
00:16:32,393 --> 00:16:34,633
"in front of people."
303
00:16:34,730 --> 00:16:36,700
And I got mad.
304
00:16:36,798 --> 00:16:38,768
'Cause he thought
that was my whole act.
305
00:16:38,867 --> 00:16:41,937
Like I just walked out on-stage
and cursed and left.
306
00:16:42,037 --> 00:16:44,407
I manage to stick in some
jokes between the curses.
307
00:16:44,506 --> 00:16:47,376
You couldn't give no curse show.
Walk out, say, "Hey, Felt Forum",
308
00:16:47,475 --> 00:16:50,275
"motherfucker, dick, pussy,
snot and shit. Good night.
309
00:16:50,378 --> 00:16:53,678
Good night. Suck my dick.
Bye-bye."
310
00:16:53,782 --> 00:16:55,182
I was pissed off.
311
00:16:55,283 --> 00:16:57,028
I was so mad I called
Richard Pryor's house up.
312
00:16:57,052 --> 00:16:59,222
I said, "Yo, Richard,
Bill Cosby just called me up"
313
00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,120
and told me I was too dirty."
Richard said,
314
00:17:01,222 --> 00:17:04,102
"The
next time motherfucker call",
315
00:17:04,199 --> 00:17:05,699
"tell him I said,
'Suck my dick.'"
316
00:17:12,541 --> 00:17:14,081
"'Cause I don't give a fuck.
317
00:17:14,175 --> 00:17:17,075
Whatever the fuck make the
people laugh, say that shit."
318
00:17:17,178 --> 00:17:19,578
He said, "Do the people laugh
when you say what you say?"
319
00:17:19,681 --> 00:17:21,121
I said, "Yes."
"Do you get paid?"
320
00:17:21,216 --> 00:17:22,216
I said, "Yes."
321
00:17:22,283 --> 00:17:23,723
He said,
"Well, tell Bill I said,"
322
00:17:23,819 --> 00:17:26,619
'Have a Coke and a smile
and shut the fuck up.'
323
00:17:30,826 --> 00:17:33,526
"The Jell-O pudding-eating
motherfucker."
324
00:17:33,629 --> 00:17:36,329
Richard... Richard is the rawest
motherfucker in show business.
325
00:17:36,431 --> 00:17:38,331
Richard's the one that made me
wanna do comedy.
326
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:39,773
When I was little,
327
00:17:39,868 --> 00:17:41,838
I wanted to be Richard Pryor
so bad I used to...
328
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,407
Remember, you'd sneak in
the basement, put his albums on,
329
00:17:44,506 --> 00:17:46,736
and just listen, and your
mother ain't supposed to hear,
330
00:17:46,842 --> 00:17:49,082
and you're listening to this
shit and I turned it...
331
00:17:49,177 --> 00:17:50,407
I wanted to be Richard so bad,
332
00:17:50,512 --> 00:17:52,412
I used to go out on-stage
when I was 15
333
00:17:52,514 --> 00:17:55,154
and talk and act and walk and do
everything like Richard Pryor.
334
00:17:55,250 --> 00:17:56,750
My mother would sit there
and watch
335
00:17:56,852 --> 00:17:59,392
her 15-year-old son on-stage
saying some outlandish shit.
336
00:17:59,487 --> 00:18:01,457
My whole act back then
was about taking a shit,
337
00:18:01,563 --> 00:18:03,833
because that's all
I had done at 15.
338
00:18:03,932 --> 00:18:05,172
That was my life experience,
339
00:18:05,266 --> 00:18:06,826
but it sounded
like Richard Pryor jokes.
340
00:18:06,868 --> 00:18:08,998
I'd be going, "You ever,
like, sometime, right",
341
00:18:09,104 --> 00:18:10,544
"you get on that toilet"
342
00:18:10,639 --> 00:18:13,979
"and when you shit, that water
splash up on your ass?"
343
00:18:14,075 --> 00:18:15,352
"Don't that make you mad, right?"
344
00:18:15,376 --> 00:18:16,746
"You know what really
make me mad?"
345
00:18:16,845 --> 00:18:18,675
"It's when shit come
halfway out your ass,"
346
00:18:18,780 --> 00:18:22,050
"then go back up
in that motherfucker."
347
00:18:22,150 --> 00:18:26,390
"Right? Why do shit
be teasing your ass, right?"
348
00:18:26,487 --> 00:18:28,557
"Just get the fuck out, right?"
349
00:18:28,657 --> 00:18:30,027
"You know what really bother me"
350
00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:32,385
"is when you be straining
for a long time, right?"
351
00:18:32,493 --> 00:18:35,263
"And one little pebble shit
come out."
352
00:18:35,363 --> 00:18:37,833
"Right? Be some shit this big,
right?"
353
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:39,843
"Wanna push your head
up your asshole, say,"
354
00:18:39,935 --> 00:18:43,605
'That's all the shit
I'm going to get, motherfucker'
355
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,265
"You know what really
make me mad,
356
00:18:45,373 --> 00:18:46,913
"when your ass
don't cooperate with you
357
00:18:47,008 --> 00:18:50,108
"and clench up
and break the shit in half.
358
00:18:50,211 --> 00:18:51,681
"You be mad
as a motherfucker too,
359
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:53,580
"'cause you know
you got to wipe your ass
360
00:18:53,682 --> 00:18:56,822
"for, like, five hours
and shit, right?
361
00:18:56,918 --> 00:19:00,518
"Use 12 rolls of toilet paper
on that motherfucker.
362
00:19:00,622 --> 00:19:02,002
"You know what really
make me mad,
363
00:19:02,097 --> 00:19:04,267
"though, is afterwards, right?
Is after you shit
364
00:19:04,365 --> 00:19:06,065
"you done all the shitting
you going to do
365
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:07,397
"for the whole day, right?
366
00:19:07,503 --> 00:19:09,373
"You finish shitting
and you flush the toilet
367
00:19:09,470 --> 00:19:13,270
"and wait a second
and one chunk come back.
368
00:19:14,543 --> 00:19:17,383
What does that chunk want?"
369
00:19:17,478 --> 00:19:19,408
That was my act.
My mother sit there shocked.
370
00:19:19,515 --> 00:19:21,675
If you don't speak English,
you can't hear that bit.
371
00:19:21,783 --> 00:19:23,453
All you hear
is "shit, ass, shit, shit."
372
00:19:23,552 --> 00:19:25,329
See, I got a lot of foreigners
that come over.
373
00:19:25,353 --> 00:19:28,123
I got a lot of people from other
countries have seen my films
374
00:19:28,223 --> 00:19:29,423
and come over to the U. S.,
375
00:19:29,525 --> 00:19:30,885
'cause New York
is a tourist place,
376
00:19:30,926 --> 00:19:32,726
and they get HBO
and they catch Delirious
377
00:19:32,828 --> 00:19:35,358
and they can't speak English and
try to do my act on the street
378
00:19:35,463 --> 00:19:37,033
and all they got is the curses.
379
00:19:37,132 --> 00:19:39,642
I got foreigners from all over
the world walking up, going,
380
00:19:39,735 --> 00:19:42,365
"Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!"
381
00:19:47,275 --> 00:19:50,645
"Fuck you, Eddie."
382
00:19:50,746 --> 00:19:53,146
"I know you."
383
00:19:53,248 --> 00:19:55,448
"I see you on television."
384
00:19:55,551 --> 00:19:57,721
"You're the 'fuck you' man,
right?"
385
00:19:57,819 --> 00:20:00,829
"I love it. Suck my dick, huh?"
386
00:20:02,363 --> 00:20:06,503
"Suck it,
you black motherfucker.
387
00:20:06,602 --> 00:20:10,172
"I love it.
The best motherfucker.
388
00:20:10,271 --> 00:20:12,271
The 'fuck you' man."
389
00:20:12,373 --> 00:20:16,113
Made me stay in the house, man.
Almost got married last year.
390
00:20:17,546 --> 00:20:18,976
Don't you "ooh" and "aah."
391
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,550
Got to get married in the'80s.
Now, I read the papers.
392
00:20:21,650 --> 00:20:23,320
I said, "Fuck this,
I'm getting out."
393
00:20:23,418 --> 00:20:25,888
Hey, you know, read.
You can catch some shit.
394
00:20:25,987 --> 00:20:28,717
You can't just keep messing
around like you used to.
395
00:20:28,824 --> 00:20:31,864
Eventually,
your dick will fall off.
396
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,400
Remember...? Remember, like,
VD in the'60s?
397
00:20:34,495 --> 00:20:35,995
That shit don't just sting
no more.
398
00:20:36,097 --> 00:20:37,497
Every time they cure something,
399
00:20:37,599 --> 00:20:40,839
it come back stronger.
VD is new and improved now.
400
00:20:40,936 --> 00:20:42,536
They got dudes
in the doctor's office
401
00:20:42,638 --> 00:20:44,538
with symptoms like,
"Excuse me, doc, um...
402
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:48,040
"what does it mean when you
go to the bathroom and, um...
403
00:20:48,143 --> 00:20:50,453
fire shoot out your dick?"
404
00:20:55,150 --> 00:20:56,420
"Let me get this right.
405
00:20:56,518 --> 00:20:58,388
"So you're getting
a burning sensation
406
00:20:58,486 --> 00:21:00,856
when you urinate?"
407
00:21:00,962 --> 00:21:04,832
"No, fire shoot out my dick,
is all.
408
00:21:04,933 --> 00:21:07,543
"A burst of flame
fly out my dick when I pee.
409
00:21:07,636 --> 00:21:09,716
"I can't even pee in the house,
I burn my house down.
410
00:21:09,771 --> 00:21:11,071
"I gotta go outside to pee.
411
00:21:11,172 --> 00:21:12,942
"I was outside peeing,
dude tried to mug me,
412
00:21:13,041 --> 00:21:15,181
"I turned around and burned him
up on the street.
413
00:21:15,276 --> 00:21:16,876
"That's what I'm trying to say.
414
00:21:16,978 --> 00:21:19,259
'Cause my dick is a blowtorch,
is what I'm trying to say."
415
00:21:19,314 --> 00:21:21,654
Got to be careful. They say
having casual sex nowadays
416
00:21:21,750 --> 00:21:23,820
is like playing
Russian roulette.
417
00:21:23,919 --> 00:21:27,659
And I know I've thrown my dick
on the crap table many a night.
418
00:21:29,257 --> 00:21:31,787
Looking for Miss Right, you be
gambling every time you do it.
419
00:21:31,893 --> 00:21:33,603
You gambling with your dick,
saying,
420
00:21:33,695 --> 00:21:36,040
"Come on, need a woman with
a mind. I need a perfect person.
421
00:21:36,064 --> 00:21:38,134
"Come on, now.
I need somebody perfect for me.
422
00:21:38,233 --> 00:21:39,303
"Give it to me, now!
423
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:40,740
"Oh, shit.
Fat, bucktoothed bitch.
424
00:21:40,836 --> 00:21:42,296
"No, give my dick back. No.
425
00:21:42,403 --> 00:21:44,673
"I'm going to keep rolling.
I got one more roll in me.
426
00:21:44,773 --> 00:21:47,133
"I want the perfect woman, now.
I want somebody with a mind,
427
00:21:47,175 --> 00:21:49,545
"intelligence, a nice ass
and a body. Give it to me, now!
428
00:21:49,645 --> 00:21:51,875
"Oh, skinny cockeyed bitch.
No, give my dick back.
429
00:21:51,980 --> 00:21:53,720
"Give my dick back.
Now, listen, be quiet.
430
00:21:53,815 --> 00:21:55,745
"I'm going to keep rolling.
This is my last roll.
431
00:21:55,851 --> 00:21:57,721
"This is the last one.
This is the one for me.
432
00:21:57,819 --> 00:21:59,719
"Miss Right. Hey, blow on this
for luck please.
433
00:21:59,821 --> 00:22:01,701
"This is my last roll.
Come on. Here we go.
434
00:22:01,797 --> 00:22:04,567
"Give it to me, now!
Oh, shit. Herpes. I crapped out.
435
00:22:04,666 --> 00:22:08,436
My dick is fucked up.
My dick is ruined."
436
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:10,637
So be careful. Get married.
437
00:22:10,739 --> 00:22:12,569
I went out and found
the perfect woman.
438
00:22:12,674 --> 00:22:16,084
Nineteen years old.
Beautiful face. A virgin.
439
00:22:16,177 --> 00:22:17,507
Nobody ever fucked her.
440
00:22:17,613 --> 00:22:19,753
And had an ass like this...
441
00:22:19,848 --> 00:22:21,148
Pow!
442
00:22:21,249 --> 00:22:23,989
And her legs are like, blam!
Her titties are like, pow!
443
00:22:24,085 --> 00:22:26,485
She was so fine. She's one
of the people that's so fine,
444
00:22:26,588 --> 00:22:28,218
when you see them,
they make you ugly.
445
00:22:28,323 --> 00:22:30,633
You be like, "Goddamn,
who is that motherfucker?"
446
00:22:30,726 --> 00:22:32,726
She was fine.
I went, I cut all my girls off.
447
00:22:32,828 --> 00:22:34,528
I said, "That's it,
I'm getting married."
448
00:22:34,630 --> 00:22:36,160
This is it.
Going to be me and her."
449
00:22:36,264 --> 00:22:38,974
I was so happy. And I went out
and I went shopping.
450
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:42,097
And I was waiting on the line
and I saw the Enquirer magazine
451
00:22:42,203 --> 00:22:43,513
while I was waiting on the line
452
00:22:43,605 --> 00:22:45,405
and I saw Johnny Carson
on the front page.
453
00:22:45,507 --> 00:22:47,177
There was a picture of him
like this...
454
00:22:49,110 --> 00:22:50,680
Then I said,
"What's up with Johnny?"
455
00:22:50,779 --> 00:22:52,349
I turned to the inside story
456
00:22:52,447 --> 00:22:55,577
and his wife was on the other
page and she was like this...
457
00:23:00,762 --> 00:23:02,132
And over her head it said,
458
00:23:02,230 --> 00:23:04,700
"Johnny's wife wants half
Johnny's money."
459
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,070
I turned that shit back
to Johnny.
460
00:23:09,771 --> 00:23:13,171
Then I started thinking
about it. Half.
461
00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:16,610
If you...
If you have five dollars
462
00:23:16,712 --> 00:23:20,152
and have to give somebody
$2.50, you'd be upset.
463
00:23:20,248 --> 00:23:23,688
Johnny had to have
at least 300 million.
464
00:23:23,785 --> 00:23:26,855
And have to give up
$150 million?
465
00:23:26,955 --> 00:23:29,185
And they wasn't even married
but ten years.
466
00:23:29,290 --> 00:23:31,490
And $150 million? Get...
467
00:23:31,593 --> 00:23:34,863
Give me a fucking break.
What...? What...?
468
00:23:34,963 --> 00:23:38,003
And ladies... Now, here's a woman
right here saying, "Right on."
469
00:23:38,099 --> 00:23:39,839
Baby, that's not fair.
Not no 150 million.
470
00:23:39,935 --> 00:23:41,735
I see a lot of you ladies going,
471
00:23:41,837 --> 00:23:43,537
"Get all the money
you can, shit.
472
00:23:43,639 --> 00:23:45,839
"I'm glad she did
get all that money.
473
00:23:45,941 --> 00:23:48,781
"She earned it. She earned it.
That... You damn right.
474
00:23:48,877 --> 00:23:50,947
She was married to him,
she deserved that money."
475
00:23:51,046 --> 00:23:53,876
Get the fuck out of my face
with that bullshit.
476
00:23:53,982 --> 00:23:56,252
No. Stop it.
477
00:24:00,729 --> 00:24:02,199
No, don't get me wrong.
478
00:24:02,297 --> 00:24:05,197
If you marry somebody and
neither one of you have anything
479
00:24:05,300 --> 00:24:08,300
and you build 300 million
together, you deserve half.
480
00:24:08,403 --> 00:24:11,673
But Johnny was 300 million in
when they met.
481
00:24:11,773 --> 00:24:13,813
And I'm quite sure she knew.
482
00:24:16,277 --> 00:24:17,607
Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny."
483
00:24:17,713 --> 00:24:19,723
She was like, "I know who
you are, motherfucker."
484
00:24:19,815 --> 00:24:21,915
And they got married, broke up,
shit didn't work out.
485
00:24:22,017 --> 00:24:24,287
And then he had to give her
$150 million of his money.
486
00:24:24,385 --> 00:24:25,715
And don't get me wrong ladies.
487
00:24:25,821 --> 00:24:27,861
I know a lot of housewives
sitting out there going,
488
00:24:27,956 --> 00:24:29,586
"You can't put a price
on what I do."
489
00:24:29,691 --> 00:24:32,331
But, ladies, if you marry a man
with $300 million,
490
00:24:32,427 --> 00:24:33,757
you ain't no regular housewife.
491
00:24:33,862 --> 00:24:35,632
You ain't got to clean
the house no more.
492
00:24:35,731 --> 00:24:38,031
You get a maid.
You ain't cleaning shit!
493
00:24:38,133 --> 00:24:39,773
You marry a man
with $300 million,
494
00:24:39,868 --> 00:24:41,798
you ain't cooking no more.
You're eating out.
495
00:24:41,903 --> 00:24:43,373
You marry a man
with $300 million.
496
00:24:43,471 --> 00:24:46,111
You know how a lot of housewives
gotta get jobs on the side
497
00:24:46,207 --> 00:24:47,507
to help make ends meet?
498
00:24:47,609 --> 00:24:50,609
He got 300 million, the ends
are meeting like a motherfucker.
499
00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:53,820
What you going to do,
500
00:24:53,915 --> 00:24:56,045
get a job at a boutique
on the weekends and shit?
501
00:24:56,151 --> 00:25:01,131
And say, "Here, Johnny. I made
$70, put that with the rest."
502
00:25:01,229 --> 00:25:05,799
"Now we have $300 million
and $70.
503
00:25:05,901 --> 00:25:09,171
Because I want to do my share."
No.
504
00:25:09,270 --> 00:25:12,140
All you have to do, you marry
a man with $300 million,
505
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:13,880
is fuck your husband.
506
00:25:13,975 --> 00:25:15,575
That's it! That's your job.
507
00:25:15,677 --> 00:25:17,277
Fuck your husband! That's it.
508
00:25:17,378 --> 00:25:19,548
That's... Just fuck your husband.
509
00:25:19,648 --> 00:25:21,718
You fill out a W-2,
they say, "What you do?"
510
00:25:21,817 --> 00:25:24,817
You say, "I fuck my husband."
That's it.
511
00:25:28,824 --> 00:25:30,334
And I've had my share of pussy.
512
00:25:30,425 --> 00:25:33,955
I have yet...
Even if the pussy was great
513
00:25:34,062 --> 00:25:36,332
and sparks shot out
the woman's ass
514
00:25:36,431 --> 00:25:39,331
and cannons blared
and the mountains crumbled
515
00:25:39,434 --> 00:25:40,704
and the seas roared,
516
00:25:40,802 --> 00:25:44,072
no pussy is worth $150 million!
517
00:25:46,575 --> 00:25:48,205
No pussy.
518
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:54,550
I'd like to meet some pussy
like that.
519
00:25:54,650 --> 00:25:58,050
Put the shit on layaway.
520
00:25:58,153 --> 00:26:01,463
That shit scared the shit out
of me. Half? I was petrified.
521
00:26:01,563 --> 00:26:03,133
Man, you know what's real scary
522
00:26:03,231 --> 00:26:04,771
is that American women
in the'80s
523
00:26:04,866 --> 00:26:06,596
have become very
business-conscious.
524
00:26:06,702 --> 00:26:08,072
Y'all the most resourceful
525
00:26:08,169 --> 00:26:10,339
and the most business-smart
women on the planet.
526
00:26:10,438 --> 00:26:12,838
Now, in the'80s.
527
00:26:12,941 --> 00:26:15,811
And it would be an asset to us,
as American men,
528
00:26:15,911 --> 00:26:17,581
if you weren't so vindictive.
529
00:26:17,679 --> 00:26:19,379
'Cause the two don't match.
530
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,150
Then, what's really fucked up,
is y'all the most loving people.
531
00:26:22,250 --> 00:26:24,120
American women
are all off into this romance
532
00:26:24,219 --> 00:26:26,959
and want to be romantic and they
genuinely fall in love with you.
533
00:26:27,055 --> 00:26:29,315
Now, love and money do not mix.
534
00:26:29,424 --> 00:26:30,734
The shit don't mix.
535
00:26:30,826 --> 00:26:32,986
Especially if you got
a business-smart woman...
536
00:26:33,094 --> 00:26:35,364
You go up and say, "I never met
anybody like you before."
537
00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:37,933
"I never met anyone like you."
"Why don't we be together."
538
00:26:38,033 --> 00:26:40,043
"Will you marry me?"
"I thought you'd never ask."
539
00:26:40,135 --> 00:26:41,895
"Before we get married,
why don't you sign
540
00:26:42,003 --> 00:26:43,773
this prenuptial agreement."
541
00:26:47,075 --> 00:26:49,075
"What do you mean,
sign a prenuptial agreement?"
542
00:26:49,177 --> 00:26:51,447
"That's a contract that
stipulates if we ever break up,
543
00:26:51,547 --> 00:26:54,917
you take what you had
and I take what I had."
544
00:27:00,522 --> 00:27:02,562
"First of all, I don't give
a fuck who you are"
545
00:27:02,664 --> 00:27:03,834
"and what you have, okay?"
546
00:27:03,932 --> 00:27:05,502
"You got a lot
of motherfucking nerve"
547
00:27:05,601 --> 00:27:06,971
by asking me to sign a contract.
548
00:27:07,068 --> 00:27:08,568
"There's nothing a man
can do for me
549
00:27:08,670 --> 00:27:09,870
"that I can't do for myself.
550
00:27:09,971 --> 00:27:11,541
"You got a whole lot of...
I love you.
551
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,040
"Telling me to sign a contract
to show that I love you?
552
00:27:14,142 --> 00:27:15,882
"If I need something,
I can go to my family.
553
00:27:15,977 --> 00:27:17,447
My family takes care of me."
554
00:27:17,546 --> 00:27:20,876
And men hear all that shit
and we be like this, "Okay."
555
00:27:22,851 --> 00:27:24,451
"We don't need no contract."
556
00:27:24,553 --> 00:27:27,193
And you don't get a contract
and get married without one,
557
00:27:27,288 --> 00:27:29,928
and the shit don't work out
and you break up a year later.
558
00:27:30,025 --> 00:27:33,085
She's sitting around
in the kitchen by herself, mad,
559
00:27:33,194 --> 00:27:35,604
trying to figure out a way
to get even with your ass.
560
00:27:35,697 --> 00:27:38,427
"I can't believe that
motherfucker did this to me!
561
00:27:38,534 --> 00:27:40,074
"After all the shit I did...
562
00:27:40,168 --> 00:27:42,798
"All the things I did for that
motherfucker, he do this to me?
563
00:27:42,904 --> 00:27:44,474
"Him and his fat bitch
can kiss my ass!
564
00:27:44,573 --> 00:27:46,543
"I don't give a shit about
either one of them.
565
00:27:46,642 --> 00:27:49,082
"I don't want shit from him
or her and I don't care.
566
00:27:49,177 --> 00:27:53,817
"You know something? You know
what I should...? You know...?
567
00:27:54,850 --> 00:27:57,090
"Half!
568
00:27:57,185 --> 00:27:59,815
I'll take half his shit!"
569
00:27:59,921 --> 00:28:01,561
And they'll get it.
570
00:28:01,663 --> 00:28:05,933
They'll get half your money,
your house, your car, alimony,
571
00:28:06,034 --> 00:28:07,604
child support and your children.
572
00:28:07,703 --> 00:28:11,273
You will be on the cover
of the Enquirer like this...
573
00:28:12,708 --> 00:28:15,008
So be careful!
574
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:16,650
I started having nightmares.
575
00:28:16,745 --> 00:28:19,615
I was waking up in the middle
of the night like this...
576
00:28:19,715 --> 00:28:21,345
"Half!"
577
00:28:23,752 --> 00:28:26,252
'Cause I'm into American women.
I like American women.
578
00:28:26,354 --> 00:28:28,664
I got a friend
got a Japanese girlfriend.
579
00:28:28,757 --> 00:28:29,987
And Japanese women
580
00:28:30,091 --> 00:28:31,791
are the most docile women
on the planet.
581
00:28:31,893 --> 00:28:33,493
They're real...
They're real timid,
582
00:28:33,595 --> 00:28:35,025
timid, timid, timid women.
583
00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:37,200
I walked in the house
and his friend, Japanese girl,
584
00:28:37,298 --> 00:28:39,028
bowed to me when I walked in.
585
00:28:39,134 --> 00:28:41,274
I said, "What's wrong
with your wife's back and shit?"
586
00:28:41,369 --> 00:28:43,469
He said, "That's a Japanese
thing. They always bow."
587
00:28:43,572 --> 00:28:46,112
And I was like, "Oh, shit. Miss,
did you decorate the house?"
588
00:28:46,207 --> 00:28:48,077
She looked at her husband,
he did like this...
589
00:28:48,176 --> 00:28:49,806
"You may speak." And she spoke.
590
00:28:49,911 --> 00:28:52,881
And I was like, "Now, that's
pussy control for you, there."
591
00:28:54,850 --> 00:28:57,420
You know, 'cause I'm used
to American women saying,
592
00:28:57,519 --> 00:28:59,249
"You don't own me."
593
00:28:59,354 --> 00:29:00,904
"Hey, baby, where you going?"
594
00:29:08,970 --> 00:29:10,870
"Excuse me?"
595
00:29:10,972 --> 00:29:12,642
"I said, where you going?"
596
00:29:12,741 --> 00:29:14,611
"You don't own me."
597
00:29:14,710 --> 00:29:16,010
"You my woman, ain't you?"
598
00:29:16,111 --> 00:29:19,011
"I don't see no rings
on these fingers.
599
00:29:19,114 --> 00:29:20,854
Are you going to put a ring
on this finger?"
600
00:29:20,949 --> 00:29:22,179
"Well, I..."
601
00:29:22,283 --> 00:29:23,853
"Then you don't own me then,
okay?
602
00:29:23,952 --> 00:29:26,252
"I don't give a fuck who you
are or what you have, okay?
603
00:29:26,354 --> 00:29:29,094
"You got a whole lot of nerve,
come and ask me where I'm going.
604
00:29:29,190 --> 00:29:31,930
"I don't answer to my father, I
ain't going to answer to no man.
605
00:29:32,027 --> 00:29:33,827
"Ain't no man going
to tell me where I can go.
606
00:29:33,929 --> 00:29:35,429
"Who do you think you are?
607
00:29:35,531 --> 00:29:37,931
"To come and ask me where
I'm going? Nobody owns me.
608
00:29:38,033 --> 00:29:41,243
I own myself.
I am my own person."
609
00:29:41,336 --> 00:29:45,006
And we hear all that shit,
then be, "Okay."
610
00:29:46,307 --> 00:29:47,607
Well, where you going to be?"
611
00:29:47,709 --> 00:29:51,479
"I'm going to be where I'm at!
612
00:29:51,580 --> 00:29:53,280
You don't own me!"
613
00:29:53,381 --> 00:29:55,121
Well, you don't.
You don't own your woman.
614
00:29:55,216 --> 00:29:56,786
"You going to put a ring
on my finger?"
615
00:29:56,885 --> 00:29:58,015
That shuts you right up.
616
00:29:58,119 --> 00:29:59,559
You say, "Okay."
'Cause you don't.
617
00:29:59,655 --> 00:30:01,639
I know you spend a lot
of your money on your woman.
618
00:30:01,663 --> 00:30:04,903
And I know you go to the movies
and you go to get the ice cream
619
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,170
and the candy and the flowers
620
00:30:06,267 --> 00:30:07,737
and the anklets
and the bracelets
621
00:30:07,836 --> 00:30:09,136
and help her get some clothes.
622
00:30:09,237 --> 00:30:10,967
You spending
all your money on shit
623
00:30:11,072 --> 00:30:13,342
you ain't never spent it on.
But you don't own her.
624
00:30:13,441 --> 00:30:17,011
'Cause theoretically,
that pussy's on lease.
625
00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:22,450
You're leasing the pussy.
With an option to buy.
626
00:30:29,625 --> 00:30:33,485
But be careful, 'cause
you lose half on the trade-in.
627
00:30:33,595 --> 00:30:34,795
You got to be careful.
628
00:30:34,896 --> 00:30:36,456
You gotta have a J-O-B
in the'80s.
629
00:30:36,565 --> 00:30:39,065
You gotta have some money,
you can't get no pussy.
630
00:30:39,167 --> 00:30:40,997
Listen to the radio.
That's what it's about.
631
00:30:41,102 --> 00:30:42,402
Listen to Madonna.
632
00:30:42,504 --> 00:30:44,214
"I'm a material girl
in a material world,
633
00:30:44,305 --> 00:30:46,635
you ain't got no money,
you can't have no pussy."
634
00:30:46,742 --> 00:30:49,112
Basically what it is.
There's a song out now called.
635
00:30:49,210 --> 00:30:52,110
"Got to Have a J-O-B
If You Wanna Be With Me."
636
00:30:53,749 --> 00:30:54,949
And the lyrics go,
637
00:30:55,050 --> 00:30:56,720
"Ain't nothing going on
but the rent."
638
00:30:56,818 --> 00:30:59,658
Like if you went up and said,
"Hey, baby, what's going on?"
639
00:30:59,755 --> 00:31:01,795
"The rent, motherfucker."
640
00:31:01,897 --> 00:31:03,597
"Do you have a job?"
"Well, I..."
641
00:31:03,699 --> 00:31:07,139
"Then get the fuck out my face."
642
00:31:07,235 --> 00:31:08,495
Got to have some money.
643
00:31:08,604 --> 00:31:10,274
It says,
"No romance without finance."
644
00:31:10,371 --> 00:31:12,171
And women love them songs.
They be going,
645
00:31:12,273 --> 00:31:17,413
Got to have a J-O-B
if you wanna be with me ♪
646
00:31:17,513 --> 00:31:18,983
Janet Jackson
got a hit record...
647
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,150
"What Have You Done
For Me Lately."
648
00:31:21,249 --> 00:31:22,529
That's what they
be thinking, is,
649
00:31:22,618 --> 00:31:24,118
"What have you done
for me lately?"
650
00:31:24,219 --> 00:31:25,519
The record start off like that.
651
00:31:25,621 --> 00:31:27,391
"I know he used
to do shit for you,
652
00:31:27,488 --> 00:31:30,588
but what has he done
for you lately?"
653
00:31:30,692 --> 00:31:31,862
"Baby, I love you."
654
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:35,130
"What have you done
for me lately?"
655
00:31:35,230 --> 00:31:37,000
"You the only thing on my mind."
656
00:31:37,098 --> 00:31:39,638
"What have you done
for me lately?"
657
00:31:39,735 --> 00:31:40,895
"We make good love."
658
00:31:41,002 --> 00:31:43,542
"What have you done
for me lately?!"
659
00:31:43,639 --> 00:31:46,309
Got to have some money
to get some pussy in the'80s.
660
00:31:46,407 --> 00:31:49,277
It's fucked up, that's why
I say, hey, I'm a target.
661
00:31:49,377 --> 00:31:53,517
If I ever get married, I have
to go off to the woods of Africa
662
00:31:53,615 --> 00:31:58,845
and find me some crazy,
naked, zebra bitch...
663
00:31:58,954 --> 00:32:00,764
that knows nothing about money.
664
00:32:00,862 --> 00:32:03,232
She got to be butt naked
on a zebra
665
00:32:03,331 --> 00:32:07,201
with a big bone in her nose
and a big plate lip
666
00:32:07,302 --> 00:32:09,642
and a big, fucked-up Afro!
667
00:32:09,738 --> 00:32:11,938
Her Afro... Afro gotta...
668
00:32:12,040 --> 00:32:13,320
Like, Angela Davis
see it and go,
669
00:32:13,408 --> 00:32:15,738
"Goddamn, that's some
fucked-up shit."
670
00:32:15,844 --> 00:32:17,154
Afro gotta be fucked up
671
00:32:17,245 --> 00:32:19,305
and one of them picks
with a fist in the back.
672
00:32:19,414 --> 00:32:21,774
And she gotta be butt naked,
'cause if she got some clothes,
673
00:32:21,817 --> 00:32:23,987
she going to have to put
something in the pockets.
674
00:32:24,085 --> 00:32:25,715
She's gotta be butt naked
on the zebra.
675
00:32:25,821 --> 00:32:26,991
And y'all think it's a joke.
676
00:32:27,088 --> 00:32:28,258
I'm going to walk up and say,
677
00:32:28,356 --> 00:32:29,701
"Hey, how you doing?
My name's..."
678
00:32:29,725 --> 00:32:31,185
And she go...
679
00:32:31,292 --> 00:32:33,032
I say, "Miss Murphy.
Miss Murphy."
680
00:32:33,128 --> 00:32:34,458
And I'm going to bring her home.
681
00:32:34,563 --> 00:32:36,303
Y'all going to go past
a newsstand one day
682
00:32:36,397 --> 00:32:37,967
and see me on the cover of JET
683
00:32:38,066 --> 00:32:39,746
with some woman
with a big bone and a plate
684
00:32:39,801 --> 00:32:41,441
and a big, fucked-up Afro,
butt naked,
685
00:32:41,537 --> 00:32:43,767
and y'all going to say,
"Eddie must be visiting Africa."
686
00:32:43,872 --> 00:32:46,782
It'll say, "Murphy Marries Bush
Bitch." I'm going to be like...
687
00:32:48,944 --> 00:32:50,714
What?
688
00:32:51,780 --> 00:32:53,380
What?
689
00:32:53,481 --> 00:32:55,521
'Cause I ain't getting caught.
690
00:32:55,617 --> 00:32:57,987
I refuse to get caught
out there. Fuck that.
691
00:32:58,086 --> 00:33:00,856
And I'm going to bring her home
and lock her up in the house.
692
00:33:00,956 --> 00:33:03,296
You go off to Africa
and get you a bush woman,
693
00:33:03,398 --> 00:33:05,968
you can't let her mingle
with American women.
694
00:33:06,067 --> 00:33:07,937
'Cause they'll change
her shit up.
695
00:33:08,036 --> 00:33:10,536
American women stick together.
Last thing they wanna see
696
00:33:10,639 --> 00:33:13,069
is you got some trained
bush bitch in your house.
697
00:33:13,174 --> 00:33:14,886
They will catch her by herself
in the kitchen
698
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:17,080
and throw a monkey wrench
in your whole program.
699
00:33:17,178 --> 00:33:18,908
Soon as they get her alone,
they be like,
700
00:33:19,014 --> 00:33:20,524
"I can't stand the way you be
701
00:33:20,616 --> 00:33:22,776
"doing everything he tell you
to do. You a human being.
702
00:33:22,851 --> 00:33:24,921
"This house is too big
for one person to clean.
703
00:33:25,020 --> 00:33:26,420
"Why don't you leave?
704
00:33:26,522 --> 00:33:28,762
"You always crying. Just leave
him. You know something?
705
00:33:28,857 --> 00:33:32,187
"Do you know you could take half
his money? Did you know that?
706
00:33:32,293 --> 00:33:34,163
"He didn't tell you
you were entitled to half?
707
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:36,032
"He only told you
half the story then, girl.
708
00:33:36,131 --> 00:33:37,501
"You can take half the money,
709
00:33:37,599 --> 00:33:39,569
"the car, the house,
the children, all the money.
710
00:33:39,668 --> 00:33:41,538
"You can buy all the zebras
and bones you want.
711
00:33:41,637 --> 00:33:44,107
"Go back home in style, girl.
And get your hair done right.
712
00:33:44,205 --> 00:33:45,905
"Cut that Afro off,
go back home in style.
713
00:33:46,007 --> 00:33:47,377
"Who the hell he think he is?
714
00:33:47,475 --> 00:33:49,545
"Let me tell you something else
about Eddie Murphy.
715
00:33:49,645 --> 00:33:51,345
"That motherfucker
ain't nothing but...
716
00:33:51,446 --> 00:33:52,746
"Oh, hi, Eddie. How you doing?
717
00:33:52,848 --> 00:33:55,218
"Oh, I didn't know you was here.
You scared me.
718
00:33:55,316 --> 00:33:57,886
"No, I can't stay.
I was just talking to Uhmfufu
719
00:33:57,986 --> 00:33:59,616
"about a couple of things.
720
00:33:59,721 --> 00:34:01,401
"No, no, no, I got to go.
I got to...
721
00:34:01,496 --> 00:34:03,056
"You two...
Y'all two lovebirds talk.
722
00:34:03,164 --> 00:34:04,724
"Eddie, talk to your...
Talk to Uhmfufu.
723
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:06,970
"Y'all got a lot to talk about.
Go on, Eddie.
724
00:34:07,068 --> 00:34:08,348
Please, talk to her. Uhmfufu..."
725
00:34:10,872 --> 00:34:12,272
And leave me in the kitchen
726
00:34:12,373 --> 00:34:14,843
with some bush bitch
727
00:34:14,943 --> 00:34:16,713
with an attitude.
728
00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:21,880
"Eddie!"
729
00:34:21,983 --> 00:34:24,353
"Eddie!"
730
00:34:24,452 --> 00:34:26,492
"I want to talk to you!"
731
00:34:30,559 --> 00:34:31,889
"What's your problem, baby?"
732
00:34:31,993 --> 00:34:35,063
"I don't like the way
you treat me, Eddie.
733
00:34:35,163 --> 00:34:37,733
You treat me like animal."
734
00:34:40,769 --> 00:34:44,309
"You was butt naked
on a zebra last month."
735
00:34:44,405 --> 00:34:46,465
"I don't care, Eddie.
I am American woman now.
736
00:34:46,575 --> 00:34:49,105
"I want what's coming to me.
737
00:34:49,210 --> 00:34:53,250
Eddie, what have you
done for me lately?"
738
00:35:01,897 --> 00:35:04,667
"I want you to be happy.
Well, what you want?"
739
00:35:04,766 --> 00:35:06,696
"Half!"
740
00:35:06,802 --> 00:35:11,742
"Give me half, Eddie.
Give me half, Mr. Fuck-you Man."
741
00:35:13,842 --> 00:35:17,252
"Suck my dick, Eddie.
742
00:35:17,345 --> 00:35:20,975
You motherfucker."
743
00:35:21,082 --> 00:35:22,582
Then I'd be on the front page
744
00:35:22,684 --> 00:35:24,494
of the African Enquirer
like this...
745
00:35:26,822 --> 00:35:29,532
So be careful.
Don't get caught in a trap.
746
00:35:29,625 --> 00:35:31,955
Any woman can get
any man she wants
747
00:35:32,060 --> 00:35:35,330
if she puts her mind and pussy
to it. They can have you.
748
00:35:35,430 --> 00:35:36,730
They have figured us out.
749
00:35:36,832 --> 00:35:38,602
We're very easy creatures
to figure out.
750
00:35:38,700 --> 00:35:40,100
And women know
all they have to do
751
00:35:40,201 --> 00:35:42,671
is cater to our egos enough
and they can have you.
752
00:35:42,771 --> 00:35:44,541
Guys, how many times
have you fucked
753
00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:46,880
some ugly bitch that just
kept hanging around
754
00:35:46,975 --> 00:35:48,235
and you had to fuck her?
755
00:35:48,343 --> 00:35:49,783
And then afterwards
you be like this,
756
00:35:49,811 --> 00:35:51,551
"I can't believe
I fucked this bitch."
757
00:35:51,647 --> 00:35:53,347
They just cater to your ego.
758
00:35:53,448 --> 00:35:54,948
Sometimes you'll see
a real ugly bitch
759
00:35:55,050 --> 00:35:57,290
with a handsome dude.
You say, "How that happen?"
760
00:35:57,385 --> 00:35:58,885
Dude's going,
"Yeah, how that happen?"
761
00:35:58,987 --> 00:36:02,497
'Cause she catered to his ego.
They can figure us out.
762
00:36:02,598 --> 00:36:05,028
Guys, don't get trapped.
We'll call them "pussy traps."
763
00:36:05,133 --> 00:36:06,503
Let's call them pussy traps.
764
00:36:06,602 --> 00:36:08,442
It's a trap.
They trap you with the pussy.
765
00:36:08,537 --> 00:36:10,807
They catch you with the pussy,
see. And it's a trap.
766
00:36:10,906 --> 00:36:13,066
The most common trap
is to not give you any, though.
767
00:36:13,174 --> 00:36:15,414
Don't think, "Maybe you're
going to put a trap on."
768
00:36:15,511 --> 00:36:17,781
The most common is when
you ain't getting any at all,
769
00:36:17,879 --> 00:36:19,049
that's the trap.
770
00:36:19,147 --> 00:36:21,317
When you meet a woman
and everything is perfect
771
00:36:21,416 --> 00:36:23,046
and she won't do anything,
it's a trap.
772
00:36:23,151 --> 00:36:24,591
Sometimes it backfires,
773
00:36:24,686 --> 00:36:26,586
'cause a lot of women
play these games with sex.
774
00:36:26,688 --> 00:36:28,688
And ladies like sex just as much
as we do, guys,
775
00:36:28,790 --> 00:36:30,190
but they act like they don't.
776
00:36:30,291 --> 00:36:32,291
But they do.
There's not a woman...
777
00:36:32,393 --> 00:36:35,033
There's not a woman in this room
right now that wouldn't rather
778
00:36:35,130 --> 00:36:37,430
be somewhere else
with a nice stiff one in them.
779
00:36:37,533 --> 00:36:39,703
Don't you let them fool you.
780
00:36:41,336 --> 00:36:43,066
They like it just as much as us.
781
00:36:43,171 --> 00:36:44,971
See, ladies sitting there going,
782
00:36:45,073 --> 00:36:47,483
"That's true.
783
00:36:47,576 --> 00:36:50,146
"He's funny,
but he's not that funny.
784
00:36:50,245 --> 00:36:53,145
I'll take a dick over a smile
any day. Yes, I will."
785
00:36:53,248 --> 00:36:55,818
They like it just as much as us,
but they play these games.
786
00:36:55,917 --> 00:36:57,587
Know where it backfires
on you, ladies?
787
00:36:57,686 --> 00:36:59,716
When you go meet a guy,
he wants you, you want him,
788
00:36:59,821 --> 00:37:01,661
you like each other,
everything is perfect,
789
00:37:01,763 --> 00:37:03,903
but you won't do anything.
He say, "Baby, let's go."
790
00:37:03,998 --> 00:37:06,268
You say,
"No, I'm not going to do it."
791
00:37:06,367 --> 00:37:08,297
And after that,
he don't like you no more.
792
00:37:08,402 --> 00:37:10,072
But he still wants to fuck you.
793
00:37:10,171 --> 00:37:14,281
So he waits.
He be like, "Okay, I'll wait."
794
00:37:14,375 --> 00:37:16,975
"Goodnight." And you wait.
795
00:37:17,078 --> 00:37:18,778
You wait three months.
796
00:37:18,880 --> 00:37:21,450
Then you finally get it and
she's like this, "I'm yours."
797
00:37:21,550 --> 00:37:23,850
And you go, "Fuck you, bitch!"
798
00:37:26,087 --> 00:37:29,627
"Fuck you and your pussy.
Get the fuck out of my face."
799
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:32,930
Be careful. Don't get trapped.
800
00:37:33,028 --> 00:37:35,628
I told you the most common trap
is to not give you any.
801
00:37:35,731 --> 00:37:37,631
Let me hear the men clap
that are with women
802
00:37:37,733 --> 00:37:39,503
that you've never
slept with before.
803
00:37:39,601 --> 00:37:41,871
Let me hear you clap,
truthfully.
804
00:37:41,970 --> 00:37:43,840
Look at the ladies going,
"Stop clapping."
805
00:37:43,939 --> 00:37:46,539
Shame on you. You should've
fucked them. Clap. Clap louder.
806
00:37:46,642 --> 00:37:48,482
Shame on you.
Y'all should've fucked them.
807
00:37:48,577 --> 00:37:50,377
These men like you
and you just won't do it,
808
00:37:50,478 --> 00:37:51,718
'cause you're trying to trap...
809
00:37:51,780 --> 00:37:53,450
Guys, don't be hurt.
She likes you.
810
00:37:53,549 --> 00:37:56,349
This is what is going on inside
your house every night.
811
00:37:56,451 --> 00:37:57,621
"Baby, come on, now, please."
812
00:37:57,719 --> 00:37:59,489
She go, "No, stop it.
Stop it. Stop."
813
00:37:59,588 --> 00:38:01,198
"Baby, come on, please.
Would you stop...?"
814
00:38:01,222 --> 00:38:03,672
"Oh, stop. Can we please stop?
Are we going to go too far?"
815
00:38:03,765 --> 00:38:05,795
"I want it to go too far.
Come on now, baby."
816
00:38:05,901 --> 00:38:09,641
"We could... Stop. I just don't
think the time is right."
817
00:38:11,206 --> 00:38:14,436
"Well, my dick don't get
much harder than this."
818
00:38:16,344 --> 00:38:18,684
"I been waiting for three months.
What's the problem?"
819
00:38:18,780 --> 00:38:20,550
"I don't wanna fuck.
I wanna make love."
820
00:38:20,649 --> 00:38:23,019
"I've had too many relationships
that didn't work out."
821
00:38:23,118 --> 00:38:24,448
"And you're very special to me."
822
00:38:24,553 --> 00:38:26,397
"I know all the girls do
everything that you want."
823
00:38:26,421 --> 00:38:29,091
And I don't wanna go through...
824
00:38:29,190 --> 00:38:30,390
"Why are you doing this?"
825
00:38:30,491 --> 00:38:35,531
And men see those tears
and we be, "Okay."
826
00:38:35,631 --> 00:38:37,771
We don't have to do nothing."
827
00:38:37,866 --> 00:38:39,796
Then you go out
and your friends be,
828
00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:41,271
"Yo, man, you fuck her yet?"
829
00:38:41,369 --> 00:38:42,969
"No."
830
00:38:44,239 --> 00:38:47,279
"Why not?" "She's special.
831
00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:50,075
She said she don't wanna fuck,
she wanna make love."
832
00:38:50,178 --> 00:38:51,478
Which is bullshit.
833
00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:53,480
I mean, fucking and making love,
let's be real.
834
00:38:53,582 --> 00:38:54,882
I mean, the physical act...
835
00:38:54,983 --> 00:38:57,193
I like to fuck somebody
I'm in love with.
836
00:38:57,285 --> 00:39:00,855
But I ain't making love
to nobody. I get into bed...
837
00:39:00,962 --> 00:39:03,532
I get into bed...
838
00:39:03,632 --> 00:39:05,402
I get into bed...
839
00:39:05,501 --> 00:39:08,171
When you get into bed, would you
rather have somebody say,
840
00:39:08,269 --> 00:39:09,399
"Oh, make love to me"
841
00:39:09,505 --> 00:39:11,405
or grab the back of your head
and say,
842
00:39:11,507 --> 00:39:13,607
"Fuck the shit out of me."
843
00:39:16,512 --> 00:39:18,452
You motherfucker"?
844
00:39:18,547 --> 00:39:21,647
"Just fuck, mother...
Fuck me, goddamn it."
845
00:39:21,750 --> 00:39:23,590
You want somebody
in the bed with you,
846
00:39:23,685 --> 00:39:26,415
"Oh, darling,
I want to make love to you."
847
00:39:26,522 --> 00:39:27,992
That type of shit.
848
00:39:31,326 --> 00:39:33,526
Ah...
849
00:39:33,629 --> 00:39:35,559
"You a motherfucker..."
850
00:39:38,033 --> 00:39:39,773
I'm a realist.
But they'll tell you,
851
00:39:39,868 --> 00:39:41,538
"I don't wanna fuck,
I wanna make love."
852
00:39:41,637 --> 00:39:42,867
And they make you wait.
853
00:39:42,971 --> 00:39:44,671
And you wait and wait
and wait and wait.
854
00:39:44,773 --> 00:39:46,113
And you just keep on waiting,
855
00:39:46,207 --> 00:39:49,807
you just wait and finally
she gives you some.
856
00:39:49,911 --> 00:39:52,751
And it's the best
you ever had in your life.
857
00:39:52,848 --> 00:39:55,278
You come harder
than you've ever came.
858
00:39:55,383 --> 00:39:58,493
"This was it. This was the
feeling I've been searching for.
859
00:39:58,587 --> 00:40:00,057
I finally made love."
860
00:40:00,155 --> 00:40:01,055
You didn't make love.
861
00:40:01,162 --> 00:40:02,862
It just felt real good.
You know why?
862
00:40:02,964 --> 00:40:05,904
'Cause you waited
five months for it.
863
00:40:07,335 --> 00:40:11,365
If you're starving and somebody
throw you a cracker...
864
00:40:11,472 --> 00:40:13,112
you going to be like this...
865
00:40:13,208 --> 00:40:16,678
"Goddamn, that's the best
cracker I ever ate in my life!
866
00:40:16,778 --> 00:40:18,308
"That ain't no regular cracker,
was it?
867
00:40:18,413 --> 00:40:20,853
"What was that, a Saltine?
Goddamn, that was delicious.
868
00:40:20,949 --> 00:40:22,519
"That wasn't no Saltine.
That was...
869
00:40:22,618 --> 00:40:24,318
"That was a Ritz.
That wasn't a Ritz?
870
00:40:24,419 --> 00:40:27,159
"God, that was the best cracker
I ever ate in my life.
871
00:40:27,255 --> 00:40:29,925
Can I have another one, please?
Please, one more."
872
00:40:30,025 --> 00:40:33,055
Then you get married, 'cause
you think you've found the bomb.
873
00:40:33,161 --> 00:40:36,701
Have the same crackers
every day for a year.
874
00:40:36,798 --> 00:40:38,798
And you roll over one day
and be like,
875
00:40:38,900 --> 00:40:42,600
"Hey, I just got some
regular old crackers."
876
00:40:44,239 --> 00:40:46,469
Try to leave? Half!
877
00:40:46,575 --> 00:40:48,035
So be careful.
878
00:40:48,143 --> 00:40:50,453
Marry someone that's not
going to fool around on you.
879
00:40:50,546 --> 00:40:52,046
Which would be hard
to do in the'80s,
880
00:40:52,147 --> 00:40:54,377
'cause everybody's
fucking each other nowadays.
881
00:40:54,482 --> 00:40:56,152
It's like Fuckfest'87.
882
00:40:56,251 --> 00:40:58,491
Everybody... Everybody
is fucking and it really...
883
00:40:58,587 --> 00:40:59,587
It's getting bad.
884
00:40:59,655 --> 00:41:00,895
Let me hear the women clap
885
00:41:00,996 --> 00:41:02,696
that are loyal to their men,
truthfully.
886
00:41:02,798 --> 00:41:04,398
Let me hear you clap.
887
00:41:07,503 --> 00:41:09,073
Okay, now, let me hear...
888
00:41:09,170 --> 00:41:11,410
Let me hear the women
clap that have men
889
00:41:11,507 --> 00:41:13,837
that are loyal to them,
truthfully.
890
00:41:19,214 --> 00:41:20,624
Yeah, I see.
891
00:41:20,716 --> 00:41:24,446
Y'all some disillusioned
ladies clapping right now.
892
00:41:24,553 --> 00:41:26,023
Let me hear the men clap.
893
00:41:26,121 --> 00:41:29,391
Let me hear the men clap
that are loyal to their women.
894
00:41:32,127 --> 00:41:33,357
Stop.
895
00:41:33,461 --> 00:41:36,201
You lying motherfuckers, stop.
896
00:41:36,297 --> 00:41:39,937
Stop, stop, stop. Kiss my ass.
897
00:41:40,035 --> 00:41:41,935
Fuck, there ain't no such thing
as a loyal man,
898
00:41:42,037 --> 00:41:44,007
you lying motherfuckers.
Stop it.
899
00:41:44,105 --> 00:41:46,675
Yeah, the only reason you're
clapping is 'cause your woman's
900
00:41:46,775 --> 00:41:49,105
sitting next to you right now
when I asked you.
901
00:41:52,213 --> 00:41:55,083
When I asked the question,
she looked at you like this...
902
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:02,430
"You going to put
your hands together?
903
00:42:02,531 --> 00:42:03,871
"You better stomp your feet
904
00:42:03,965 --> 00:42:05,825
"and light a match
for this pussy, goddamn it.
905
00:42:05,934 --> 00:42:08,874
Stand up and clap.
Stand your ass up and clap."
906
00:42:12,473 --> 00:42:14,413
"She's number one!"
907
00:42:14,510 --> 00:42:17,080
Get the fuck out of here.
No such thing as a loyal man.
908
00:42:17,178 --> 00:42:19,948
Ladies, do not be fooled. I know
some men have some strong raps
909
00:42:20,048 --> 00:42:22,418
and they'll have you
believing it. No loyal men.
910
00:42:22,518 --> 00:42:23,918
All men fuck other women.
911
00:42:24,019 --> 00:42:28,059
We are low by nature
and have to do it.
912
00:42:28,156 --> 00:42:30,726
We are men. All men do it.
913
00:42:30,826 --> 00:42:34,296
We have to do it.
We are men. It is a man thing.
914
00:42:34,395 --> 00:42:38,325
Men must find and conquer
as much pussy as they can get.
915
00:42:38,433 --> 00:42:39,803
Do not think for two seconds
916
00:42:39,901 --> 00:42:41,801
that you are the only one
your man is fucking.
917
00:42:41,903 --> 00:42:44,173
He is a man
and has to conquer women.
918
00:42:44,272 --> 00:42:46,712
I see a lot of you good women
sitting out there going,
919
00:42:46,808 --> 00:42:49,278
"Not my man." Yes, your man too.
920
00:42:50,846 --> 00:42:52,406
Your man too.
921
00:42:52,514 --> 00:42:55,984
If he's not here with you
tonight, he fucking somebody.
922
00:42:57,385 --> 00:42:58,685
Because he is a man.
923
00:42:58,787 --> 00:43:00,087
It has nothing to do with you.
924
00:43:00,188 --> 00:43:01,958
You can have the best pussy
in the world.
925
00:43:02,063 --> 00:43:06,233
There can be a cape hanging out
your pussy with a big S on it.
926
00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:08,544
Your man's still going to go
fuck somebody else,
927
00:43:08,637 --> 00:43:10,007
'cause he is a man.
928
00:43:10,105 --> 00:43:12,305
It is a dick thing.
Do not try to understand it.
929
00:43:12,407 --> 00:43:15,437
You have to have a dick
to understand this. We are men.
930
00:43:15,544 --> 00:43:18,484
I know a lot of guys sitting out
there right now like this too...
931
00:43:18,580 --> 00:43:20,950
"Yo, Ed, shut the fuck up, man!"
932
00:43:29,324 --> 00:43:32,664
"I ain't spent all my money
for this, motherfucker!"
933
00:43:32,761 --> 00:43:34,161
You going to be driving home
tonight
934
00:43:34,195 --> 00:43:35,755
with your wife in the car
like this...
935
00:43:35,864 --> 00:43:37,224
"You don't really be
fooling around
936
00:43:37,298 --> 00:43:39,198
like Eddie Murphy
say you do, do you?"
937
00:43:50,211 --> 00:43:52,981
"No, baby. That's just jokes."
938
00:43:55,316 --> 00:43:57,486
"That Ed sure is funny,
ain't he?
939
00:43:57,586 --> 00:43:59,046
"Why don't we change the
subject.
940
00:43:59,154 --> 00:44:01,264
"Let's talk about something
completely different.
941
00:44:01,362 --> 00:44:03,462
I don't wanna talk about
this foolin' around stuff."
942
00:44:03,565 --> 00:44:05,725
"I do wanna talk about
this foolin' around stuff.
943
00:44:05,834 --> 00:44:07,011
"Why does he have to lie to me?
944
00:44:07,035 --> 00:44:08,535
"I think he was telling
the truth.
945
00:44:08,637 --> 00:44:11,007
"If you fooled around, I would
be so hurt and disgusted,
946
00:44:11,106 --> 00:44:12,866
"I would wait
until you went to sleep,
947
00:44:12,974 --> 00:44:14,714
I would come inside the room
and kill you."
948
00:44:14,810 --> 00:44:18,910
- Thanks, Eddie!
- We love you!
949
00:44:19,014 --> 00:44:21,024
"Yeah, that Ed sure is funny.
950
00:44:21,116 --> 00:44:22,876
"I ain't got to worry about
getting killed.
951
00:44:22,984 --> 00:44:24,854
"As much as I love you,
I wouldn't fool around.
952
00:44:24,953 --> 00:44:26,233
"Why don't we change
the subject.
953
00:44:26,321 --> 00:44:27,891
Let's talk about
the Richard Pryor."
954
00:44:27,989 --> 00:44:29,701
"I don't wanna talk about
the Richard Pryor.
955
00:44:29,725 --> 00:44:32,055
"I wanna talk about this,
'cause if you fooled around,
956
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,960
I would be so hurt,
you know what I would do?"
957
00:44:34,029 --> 00:44:36,459
"What would you do, baby,
take half?"
958
00:44:40,135 --> 00:44:41,835
"No, I'd wait
till you went to sleep
959
00:44:41,937 --> 00:44:45,167
and I'd come inside the room
and cut your dick off."
960
00:44:50,311 --> 00:44:53,311
"Don't be talking about
cutting off my dick."
961
00:44:53,414 --> 00:44:56,324
"Well, you don't be putting
your dick in nobody else, then."
962
00:44:56,417 --> 00:44:58,687
"Well, I don't play that shit.
You cut off my dick,
963
00:44:58,787 --> 00:45:00,727
"you better run, goddamn it.
964
00:45:00,829 --> 00:45:02,329
Stop making them dick threats."
965
00:45:02,430 --> 00:45:04,270
The woman's favorite...
Y'all always make...
966
00:45:04,365 --> 00:45:05,995
That's a woman's
favorite threat, is,
967
00:45:06,101 --> 00:45:07,381
"I'll do something
to your dick."
968
00:45:07,468 --> 00:45:09,468
"If a man do this,
I kick him in his nuts.
969
00:45:09,571 --> 00:45:11,971
"A man put his hands...
You put your hands on me,
970
00:45:12,073 --> 00:45:13,813
I'm going to kick you
where it hurts."
971
00:45:13,909 --> 00:45:15,639
Always dick threats.
Y'all don't realize
972
00:45:15,744 --> 00:45:18,084
how sensitive nuts are, do you?
973
00:45:18,179 --> 00:45:20,659
Men don't like to hear a threat
like that. You hear somebody...
974
00:45:20,749 --> 00:45:23,319
"I'll kick you in the nuts."
It make you wince, be like,
975
00:45:23,418 --> 00:45:25,888
"Ooh, change the subject,
please."
976
00:45:25,987 --> 00:45:28,687
You don't have to kick
no nuts to hurt nobody.
977
00:45:28,790 --> 00:45:31,360
You could just graze nuts...
978
00:45:32,460 --> 00:45:34,400
and the man would be fucked up.
979
00:45:34,495 --> 00:45:35,995
And that pain is worse,
980
00:45:36,097 --> 00:45:37,997
'cause it don't set in for,
like, ten seconds.
981
00:45:38,099 --> 00:45:40,139
You be wondering
if it's going to hurt.
982
00:45:40,235 --> 00:45:43,835
You say, "I wonder,
did that hit my nuts, just...?"
983
00:45:47,643 --> 00:45:50,253
There's no getting around it.
"I'll kick you in your nuts."
984
00:45:50,345 --> 00:45:52,245
You don't have to kick.
You could just graze it.
985
00:45:52,347 --> 00:45:54,047
Y'all do that shit
when you play-fight.
986
00:45:54,149 --> 00:45:55,760
You ever have a woman
play-fight with you?
987
00:45:55,784 --> 00:45:58,024
Your man get serious
when they threaten your dick.
988
00:45:58,119 --> 00:45:59,564
You be, "Hey, baby, come on."
989
00:45:59,588 --> 00:46:02,058
And she go, "Ha, ha."
You say, "Hey, hey, hey.
990
00:46:04,165 --> 00:46:06,465
"I think playtime is over."
991
00:46:06,568 --> 00:46:07,998
"You're getting a little crazy."
992
00:46:08,103 --> 00:46:10,143
That's why men don't like
to handle little babies.
993
00:46:10,238 --> 00:46:13,708
Them little babies with them
high-top white shoes on
994
00:46:13,809 --> 00:46:16,439
with the real hard bottoms.
When they about 1 years old,
995
00:46:16,545 --> 00:46:18,905
you pick them up
and their leg muscles be strong
996
00:46:19,014 --> 00:46:21,224
and they stomp you
in the nuts with both feet.
997
00:46:21,316 --> 00:46:23,476
And both of y'all be dribbling.
You be like...
998
00:46:27,288 --> 00:46:29,188
And their mother think
you talking baby talk.
999
00:46:29,290 --> 00:46:31,730
"Oh, that's so cute,
the way they talking."
1000
00:46:31,827 --> 00:46:32,887
And you be...
1001
00:46:32,994 --> 00:46:34,314
"Yeah, go to your mother,
please."
1002
00:46:34,395 --> 00:46:36,025
"What's the matter, he stink?"
1003
00:46:36,131 --> 00:46:38,601
"No, I'm about to throw
this motherfucker someplace.
1004
00:46:38,700 --> 00:46:41,500
"Get a little older, I'm going
to kick you in your baby nuts,
1005
00:46:41,603 --> 00:46:42,773
and see how you like it."
1006
00:46:42,871 --> 00:46:44,271
"I kick him in his nuts."
1007
00:46:44,372 --> 00:46:46,682
Always talking about
kicking somebody in the nuts.
1008
00:46:46,775 --> 00:46:47,935
You know what, ladies?
1009
00:46:48,043 --> 00:46:49,386
I had a woman ask me
the other day,
1010
00:46:49,410 --> 00:46:50,810
"You know why I say my thing?
1011
00:46:50,912 --> 00:46:52,389
"I wanna know why all men
fool around.
1012
00:46:52,413 --> 00:46:54,723
"Why, why, why? I do everything
my man wants me to do
1013
00:46:54,816 --> 00:46:58,346
"and he still fools around. Why?
I cook, I clean, I fuck.
1014
00:46:58,453 --> 00:47:00,363
I come and go as he says.
Why, why, why?"
1015
00:47:00,455 --> 00:47:02,395
Then you call up your
girlfriends and go, "Why?"
1016
00:47:02,497 --> 00:47:04,427
She go, "I don't know.
My man ain't home." "Why?"
1017
00:47:04,533 --> 00:47:06,503
Then you call up your mother
and say, "Mama, why?"
1018
00:47:06,602 --> 00:47:08,702
She go, "I don't know,
your father ain't home."
1019
00:47:08,804 --> 00:47:10,044
"Why? Why?"
1020
00:47:10,138 --> 00:47:12,168
I'll tell you why
all men fool around.
1021
00:47:12,273 --> 00:47:15,043
Why? Hear the ladies go, "Why?"
1022
00:47:15,143 --> 00:47:17,213
Men fool around because of this.
1023
00:47:17,312 --> 00:47:19,652
And look at all the women
in the audience right now
1024
00:47:19,748 --> 00:47:21,278
looking up here like this...
1025
00:47:25,053 --> 00:47:27,963
We fool around because
we figured women out.
1026
00:47:29,591 --> 00:47:31,491
We did.
See, a lot of you ladies going,
1027
00:47:31,593 --> 00:47:33,233
"What does he mean,
he figured us out?"
1028
00:47:33,328 --> 00:47:35,498
And dumb niggas going,
"Yeah, what does he mean,
1029
00:47:35,597 --> 00:47:37,727
we figured them out?"
1030
00:47:37,833 --> 00:47:40,003
We figured you out in this
sense, and this is true.
1031
00:47:40,101 --> 00:47:41,641
Anybody's ever done this...
1032
00:47:41,737 --> 00:47:44,207
Anybody's ever done this
will agree with what I'm saying.
1033
00:47:44,305 --> 00:47:46,005
Any woman that's ever
had this done to her
1034
00:47:46,107 --> 00:47:47,607
will agree
what I'm going to say.
1035
00:47:47,709 --> 00:47:50,179
Those of you who've never
done this will go, "I disagree."
1036
00:47:50,278 --> 00:47:54,578
But once you make
a woman come real hard,
1037
00:47:54,683 --> 00:47:56,223
once you make a woman say,
1038
00:47:56,317 --> 00:47:57,687
"Oooh."
1039
00:47:57,786 --> 00:48:01,026
No matter how bad you fuck up,
no matter what you do wrong,
1040
00:48:01,129 --> 00:48:02,429
no matter what you say,
1041
00:48:02,531 --> 00:48:04,601
no matter what you do,
as long as you say,
1042
00:48:04,700 --> 00:48:07,640
"I'm sorry,"
she will listen to your story.
1043
00:48:07,736 --> 00:48:08,966
And that's the truth.
1044
00:48:09,070 --> 00:48:10,470
That's the God's honest truth.
1045
00:48:10,572 --> 00:48:14,482
It is the truth. Stop it.
It's the truth.
1046
00:48:14,576 --> 00:48:15,706
It is the truth.
1047
00:48:15,811 --> 00:48:17,711
And, ladies, as soon as
y'all make that noise,
1048
00:48:17,813 --> 00:48:20,453
your relationship will change
with your man. 'Cause we know.
1049
00:48:20,549 --> 00:48:22,319
We wait on that noise.
We waiting on it.
1050
00:48:22,417 --> 00:48:24,687
'Cause we know we can act
different as soon as you go,
1051
00:48:24,786 --> 00:48:26,286
"Oooh."
1052
00:48:26,387 --> 00:48:28,587
We know we can act the fool
then. Remember when your man
1053
00:48:28,690 --> 00:48:30,160
couldn't make it, he would call?
1054
00:48:30,258 --> 00:48:32,088
No more of that shit.
He heard you go, "Oooh."
1055
00:48:32,193 --> 00:48:34,363
Remember he wanted to spend all
his free time with you?
1056
00:48:34,462 --> 00:48:36,062
No more of that.
You made that noise.
1057
00:48:36,164 --> 00:48:38,374
Your man can act crazy.
We know as soon as you go,
1058
00:48:38,466 --> 00:48:39,466
"Oooh."
1059
00:48:39,535 --> 00:48:41,365
Our face is in the pillow
like this,
1060
00:48:41,469 --> 00:48:43,139
"I got this motherfucker now,
boy."
1061
00:48:43,238 --> 00:48:44,538
Then you start talking to her...
1062
00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:46,610
"Whose pussy is this?
Whose pussy is this?"
1063
00:48:46,708 --> 00:48:50,278
"Oh, it's your pussy!
It's your pussy!"
1064
00:48:50,378 --> 00:48:52,308
"Oooh."
1065
00:48:54,249 --> 00:48:56,379
And your relationship changes
from that moment.
1066
00:48:56,484 --> 00:48:58,454
The woman be sitting on the bed,
legs shaking...
1067
00:48:58,554 --> 00:49:00,264
"Oh, my God.
Oh, I can't believe it.
1068
00:49:00,355 --> 00:49:02,525
I never came like that before.
I can't believe it."
1069
00:49:02,631 --> 00:49:04,701
And their man get real cold,
saying shit like,
1070
00:49:04,800 --> 00:49:08,140
"Why don't you
shake your ass home."
1071
00:49:08,236 --> 00:49:09,366
"What are you talking about?
1072
00:49:09,470 --> 00:49:11,110
"Why are you treating me
like this?
1073
00:49:11,206 --> 00:49:12,706
We have a relationship."
1074
00:49:12,808 --> 00:49:14,778
"You don't own me."
1075
00:49:22,618 --> 00:49:25,048
"What do you mean I don't own
you? We have a relationship.
1076
00:49:25,153 --> 00:49:26,663
I thought that we go together."
1077
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:29,385
"I don't see no rings
on your finger."
1078
00:49:31,059 --> 00:49:32,789
"But I love you!"
1079
00:49:32,894 --> 00:49:35,604
"Well, what have you
done for me lately?"
1080
00:49:42,538 --> 00:49:44,268
And y'all put up with it.
1081
00:49:44,372 --> 00:49:46,612
Y'all start putting up
with all kinds of crazy shit.
1082
00:49:46,708 --> 00:49:48,908
I guess it's hard to find
somebody that knows
1083
00:49:49,010 --> 00:49:51,480
how to do it to you right,
'cause when y'all find one,
1084
00:49:51,580 --> 00:49:53,920
y'all stick through that man
through all kinds of bullshit.
1085
00:49:54,015 --> 00:49:56,515
I know a man got busted coming
out of another woman's house.
1086
00:49:56,618 --> 00:49:58,388
This'll show you how far
a woman will stoop.
1087
00:49:58,486 --> 00:50:00,656
He got busted coming out
of another woman's house.
1088
00:50:00,762 --> 00:50:02,162
His woman saw him come out,
1089
00:50:02,263 --> 00:50:04,333
knew that the woman lived there
and didn't say shit.
1090
00:50:04,432 --> 00:50:06,592
Wait till they got home
walked in the kitchen and said,
1091
00:50:06,668 --> 00:50:08,738
"What the hell was you doing
in that bitch's house?"
1092
00:50:08,837 --> 00:50:11,237
You know what the man said?
"Wasn't me."
1093
00:50:13,441 --> 00:50:16,981
"I looked right in your face!"
1094
00:50:17,078 --> 00:50:18,808
"Wasn't me."
1095
00:50:18,914 --> 00:50:20,924
"Well, I'm supposed
to be a fool, right?"
1096
00:50:21,016 --> 00:50:22,876
"Hey.
1097
00:50:22,984 --> 00:50:24,524
Wasn't me."
1098
00:50:26,622 --> 00:50:31,332
You know what the woman said?
"Maybe it wasn't you."
1099
00:50:31,426 --> 00:50:33,626
"Oooh."
1100
00:50:33,729 --> 00:50:37,629
I got a friend got busted
in his house, in his bed,
1101
00:50:37,733 --> 00:50:41,073
where him and his wife sleep,
with another woman, fucking!
1102
00:50:41,169 --> 00:50:42,469
His wife walked inside
the house,
1103
00:50:42,571 --> 00:50:43,971
opened up the bedroom door,
1104
00:50:44,072 --> 00:50:46,472
saw her man in her bed
with another woman, fucking.
1105
00:50:46,575 --> 00:50:49,235
She walks in... "Aaaaah!"
1106
00:50:49,344 --> 00:50:51,284
The man jumped up,
saw his woman standing there.
1107
00:50:51,379 --> 00:50:52,679
She ran down the hallway.
1108
00:50:52,781 --> 00:50:54,621
Chased his woman down
the hallway butt naked
1109
00:50:54,716 --> 00:50:57,686
with a rock-hard dick,
talking about, "I'm sorry."
1110
00:50:57,786 --> 00:50:59,246
This sound like a tragedy,
right?
1111
00:50:59,354 --> 00:51:00,564
No, it was like this...
1112
00:51:00,656 --> 00:51:02,556
"Baby, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1113
00:51:02,664 --> 00:51:04,734
"Baby, look. Whoa, hold on.
Wait, we got to talk.
1114
00:51:04,833 --> 00:51:06,673
"Baby, I am sorry."
"No, you're not sorry.
1115
00:51:06,768 --> 00:51:09,298
"I can't believe you did this.
You have no respect for me.
1116
00:51:09,404 --> 00:51:11,274
Get the fuck...
Don't you fucking touch me."
1117
00:51:11,372 --> 00:51:12,972
"Wait, baby, I am sorry.
Wait a second."
1118
00:51:13,074 --> 00:51:15,444
"No, if you're sorry,
you wouldn't have fucked her!"
1119
00:51:15,544 --> 00:51:17,814
And then you change
the shit around. Right, guys?
1120
00:51:17,913 --> 00:51:20,283
"Okay, wait a minute!"
1121
00:51:20,381 --> 00:51:22,681
"Wait one second, goddamn it!"
1122
00:51:23,985 --> 00:51:25,615
"Yes, I fucked her, yes."
1123
00:51:25,721 --> 00:51:28,091
"Is that what you want me
to say? I fucked her?"
1124
00:51:28,189 --> 00:51:29,559
"All right, I fucked her."
1125
00:51:29,658 --> 00:51:31,888
"We fucked, all right?
You happy now? We fucked!"
1126
00:51:31,993 --> 00:51:35,133
"Now, let's talk about the word
'fuck' for a minute."
1127
00:51:35,230 --> 00:51:39,070
"'Cause that's a very important
word here. Fuck, yes, we did."
1128
00:51:39,167 --> 00:51:41,567
"Fuck. I fucked her."
1129
00:51:43,204 --> 00:51:45,874
"I make love to you."
1130
00:51:56,151 --> 00:52:00,621
"And if you going to let a fuck
come between our love,
1131
00:52:00,722 --> 00:52:03,432
there's something really wrong
happening here, baby."
1132
00:52:06,267 --> 00:52:07,567
Bullshit.
1133
00:52:07,669 --> 00:52:09,639
"Oooh."
1134
00:52:09,738 --> 00:52:11,368
That's the only reason
why it works.
1135
00:52:11,472 --> 00:52:13,642
Now, guys, I see a lot of y'all
feeling real macho,
1136
00:52:13,742 --> 00:52:16,212
'cause you may have heard
your woman make that noise
1137
00:52:16,311 --> 00:52:18,111
and you think you are
in control of your shit.
1138
00:52:18,146 --> 00:52:20,846
But I told you a half-hour ago,
women are vindictive.
1139
00:52:20,949 --> 00:52:22,349
Don't you think for two seconds
1140
00:52:22,450 --> 00:52:24,590
that if you keep breaking
this woman's heart,
1141
00:52:24,686 --> 00:52:28,516
your sweet, innocent, little,
sweet, loving, darling woman,
1142
00:52:28,624 --> 00:52:31,464
she eventually will go out
and fuck someone else.
1143
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:33,730
Don't think she won't.
1144
00:52:33,829 --> 00:52:36,029
Don't think she won't.
1145
00:52:36,131 --> 00:52:39,371
Look, all the men's faces,
they're like this now...
1146
00:52:43,171 --> 00:52:45,641
And men don't like to picture
their woman fucking nobody.
1147
00:52:45,741 --> 00:52:47,311
That's taboo.
Watch the guy's faces.
1148
00:52:47,408 --> 00:52:48,738
Ladies, look at them.
1149
00:52:48,844 --> 00:52:51,614
Guys, picture your woman
fucking your best friend.
1150
00:52:52,948 --> 00:52:55,818
Look at them, they're...
1151
00:52:57,719 --> 00:52:59,489
Hey, your woman is like this...
1152
00:52:59,588 --> 00:53:00,798
Hmm.
1153
00:53:04,065 --> 00:53:06,595
I gotta tell you, be careful.
And women ain't like us.
1154
00:53:06,702 --> 00:53:08,402
It's not their nature
to fool around.
1155
00:53:08,504 --> 00:53:10,844
Like, we'll go out
and sneak out to the hotel
1156
00:53:10,939 --> 00:53:13,839
and have to wash your dick
in the sink and all that shit.
1157
00:53:13,942 --> 00:53:16,442
Women going to do it classy.
They don't fuck around like us.
1158
00:53:16,545 --> 00:53:18,175
It's like,
"Hey, I don't do this often,
1159
00:53:18,279 --> 00:53:19,649
I'm going to do it right."
1160
00:53:19,748 --> 00:53:21,578
Know when your woman's
going to fool around?
1161
00:53:21,683 --> 00:53:23,123
When you keep messing her over,
1162
00:53:23,218 --> 00:53:24,658
eventually she says shit
like this...
1163
00:53:24,753 --> 00:53:26,673
"You know, I think
I'm going to go to the Bahamas
1164
00:53:26,755 --> 00:53:28,385
by myself for the weekend."
1165
00:53:29,825 --> 00:53:31,725
And you say,
"You want me to go with you?"
1166
00:53:31,827 --> 00:53:34,527
She goes, "No, just me
and my girlfriends are going."
1167
00:53:36,297 --> 00:53:37,967
"Just me and my friends."
1168
00:53:39,601 --> 00:53:40,901
And we so stupid,
1169
00:53:41,002 --> 00:53:42,642
we start thinking
about all the pussy
1170
00:53:42,738 --> 00:53:44,568
we can get while she gone.
1171
00:53:46,542 --> 00:53:48,642
"You going to go by yourself?"
"Yes."
1172
00:53:48,744 --> 00:53:50,114
"Okay."
1173
00:53:50,211 --> 00:53:54,081
And send your woman off to
the romantic Bahamas by herself?
1174
00:53:54,182 --> 00:53:55,682
By herself to the Bahamas?
1175
00:53:55,784 --> 00:53:56,924
She's walking on the beach,
1176
00:53:57,018 --> 00:53:58,748
she laid out all day
and got a tan,
1177
00:53:58,854 --> 00:54:01,164
your woman is fine
and got her body looking right,
1178
00:54:01,262 --> 00:54:03,932
she's walking on the beach,
crying, in the Bahamas.
1179
00:54:04,032 --> 00:54:05,332
Lovers on the beach making love.
1180
00:54:05,433 --> 00:54:07,373
She's all by herself,
walking along,
1181
00:54:07,468 --> 00:54:08,938
feeling sad, thinking about you,
1182
00:54:09,037 --> 00:54:11,437
and everybody's real romantic.
The motion of the ocean
1183
00:54:11,540 --> 00:54:12,710
is shimmying off...
1184
00:54:12,808 --> 00:54:15,008
The moon is shimmying off
the ocean.
1185
00:54:15,110 --> 00:54:17,510
Your woman's standing,
looking at it and crying.
1186
00:54:17,613 --> 00:54:21,483
And all of a sudden,
a dude named Dexter walks up.
1187
00:54:24,185 --> 00:54:26,555
Dexter St. Jock.
1188
00:54:27,488 --> 00:54:29,558
He walk up swinging his dick.
1189
00:54:34,663 --> 00:54:36,633
Then he do that smooth
Bahamas shit on your woman.
1190
00:54:36,732 --> 00:54:38,832
"What a beautiful girl like you
1191
00:54:38,934 --> 00:54:42,244
"doing by herself
on the island of love?
1192
00:54:42,337 --> 00:54:43,767
"This is the island for lovers.
1193
00:54:43,872 --> 00:54:45,872
"You should be being held
right now, girl.
1194
00:54:45,974 --> 00:54:47,444
What you crying about?"
1195
00:54:48,910 --> 00:54:50,850
"I'm having some problems
with my boyfriend,
1196
00:54:50,946 --> 00:54:52,846
so I came down here
to think it over."
1197
00:54:52,948 --> 00:54:54,878
"Tell me what hotel
your man's staying."
1198
00:54:54,983 --> 00:54:56,083
"Let me go tell him"
1199
00:54:56,184 --> 00:54:58,144
"that you treat a woman like you
like a princess."
1200
00:54:58,219 --> 00:55:00,829
"If you were my woman,
I make love to you constantly."
1201
00:55:02,531 --> 00:55:04,271
"What hotel this man staying in?"
1202
00:55:04,365 --> 00:55:07,065
"Well, he's back in New York."
1203
00:55:08,403 --> 00:55:11,013
"Is that right?"
1204
00:55:15,376 --> 00:55:18,246
"Well, listen, girl. Won't you
come back around my place?
1205
00:55:18,346 --> 00:55:20,676
We sit down and talk it over."
1206
00:55:20,782 --> 00:55:23,722
"All we going to do is talk?"
1207
00:55:33,294 --> 00:55:34,734
He take your woman to his house
1208
00:55:34,830 --> 00:55:38,200
and roll one of them
big-ass Bahama joints.
1209
00:55:38,299 --> 00:55:40,269
Shit this big and shit.
1210
00:55:40,368 --> 00:55:43,068
Put some of that
Bob Marley music on.
1211
00:55:43,171 --> 00:55:45,271
And y'all know Bob
be preaching this shit...
1212
00:55:45,373 --> 00:55:48,913
Don't let him fool you, oh, no ♪
1213
00:55:49,010 --> 00:55:51,910
Na-na-na-na-na da-da-da-da ♪
1214
00:55:52,013 --> 00:55:55,753
Or even try to school you,
oh, yeah ♪
1215
00:55:55,851 --> 00:55:58,421
Could this be love? ♪
1216
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:00,220
Then be loved ♪
1217
00:56:00,321 --> 00:56:02,031
Dick swinging.
1218
00:56:03,499 --> 00:56:05,129
Next thing you know,
1219
00:56:05,233 --> 00:56:07,743
Dexter is fucking your woman.
1220
00:56:07,836 --> 00:56:09,466
Well.
1221
00:56:10,839 --> 00:56:13,679
Send your woman home
floating on air.
1222
00:56:13,775 --> 00:56:15,405
Walk through the door
like this...
1223
00:56:15,511 --> 00:56:18,451
I shot the sheriff ♪
1224
00:56:22,918 --> 00:56:25,188
We so stupid, we think it
was the weather. We be going,
1225
00:56:25,286 --> 00:56:28,016
"Hey, baby, you need
to get away more often."
1226
00:56:28,123 --> 00:56:29,123
And she be like this...
1227
00:56:29,157 --> 00:56:30,787
"Uh-huh."
1228
00:56:30,892 --> 00:56:33,062
And never tell you.
It's her little secret.
1229
00:56:33,161 --> 00:56:36,461
All women have
a skeleton in the closet.
1230
00:56:36,565 --> 00:56:39,225
All women have done
something that only them
1231
00:56:39,334 --> 00:56:40,774
and another person knows about.
1232
00:56:40,869 --> 00:56:42,669
All women have one skeleton.
1233
00:56:42,771 --> 00:56:44,511
Even the little, sweet,
innocent ones
1234
00:56:44,606 --> 00:56:45,806
have something that only them
1235
00:56:45,907 --> 00:56:47,877
and another person knows about.
All women.
1236
00:56:47,976 --> 00:56:49,206
Don't be... Look at the guys,
1237
00:56:49,310 --> 00:56:51,480
looking at their women again
like this...
1238
00:56:53,414 --> 00:56:55,424
"You got skeletons
in your closet?
1239
00:56:55,517 --> 00:56:57,687
"I thought I seen a bone
in your shoe.
1240
00:56:57,786 --> 00:56:59,486
Whose skeleton was that?"
1241
00:56:59,588 --> 00:57:02,158
Don't be fooled. They all have
a skeleton in their closet.
1242
00:57:02,263 --> 00:57:06,073
Some of them got cemeteries
in their closet and shit.
1243
00:57:08,904 --> 00:57:12,414
You open the door and ravens
and shit fly out of the closet.
1244
00:57:12,508 --> 00:57:15,138
So be careful. Be careful.
Get the perfect person for you.
1245
00:57:15,243 --> 00:57:17,183
Get somebody
you going to be with forever.
1246
00:57:17,278 --> 00:57:18,678
Find somebody perfect for you.
1247
00:57:18,780 --> 00:57:20,620
I'm not saying
that they're perfect people.
1248
00:57:20,716 --> 00:57:22,216
I'm saying we ain't perfect.
1249
00:57:22,317 --> 00:57:25,147
Find somebody just as fucked up
as you are and settle down.
1250
00:57:25,253 --> 00:57:26,763
That's what you gotta do.
1251
00:57:26,855 --> 00:57:28,215
If I ever get married,
1252
00:57:28,323 --> 00:57:30,763
I got to marry somebody
with personality first.
1253
00:57:30,859 --> 00:57:33,229
I hate those quiet,
salad-eating bitches,
1254
00:57:33,328 --> 00:57:34,828
those real quiet ones, you know.
1255
00:57:34,930 --> 00:57:37,370
The kind of women, you take
them out to dinner, you say,
1256
00:57:37,465 --> 00:57:38,595
"Hey, what you wanna eat?"
1257
00:57:38,700 --> 00:57:41,400
They go,
"I'll just have a salad."
1258
00:57:41,503 --> 00:57:42,863
And you hear their stomach
going...
1259
00:57:48,209 --> 00:57:50,849
"I don't know why my stomach
is making that noise."
1260
00:57:51,913 --> 00:57:53,983
"'Cause you're hungry, bitch.
1261
00:57:54,082 --> 00:57:55,882
Why don't you have
something to eat?"
1262
00:57:55,984 --> 00:57:59,124
"No, no, no. I'm fine, I'm fine.
I'll just have a salad."
1263
00:58:00,729 --> 00:58:02,059
"What you want to drink?"
1264
00:58:02,163 --> 00:58:04,433
"Water."
1265
00:58:04,533 --> 00:58:06,903
"What movie you wanna see
after you finish eating?"
1266
00:58:07,002 --> 00:58:09,642
"Whatever you wanna see
is okay with me.
1267
00:58:09,738 --> 00:58:13,538
As long as it's a PG.
I hate scary movies."
1268
00:58:13,642 --> 00:58:15,112
"This is my friend
Bob and Karen."
1269
00:58:15,210 --> 00:58:16,850
"Hi."
1270
00:58:16,945 --> 00:58:19,775
"What's your problem?"
"I'm just a little shy."
1271
00:58:19,881 --> 00:58:21,921
Get your shy ass away from me.
1272
00:58:22,017 --> 00:58:23,517
I hate those shy bitches.
1273
00:58:23,619 --> 00:58:25,119
They make me sick to my mother...
1274
00:58:25,220 --> 00:58:27,890
I hate shy...
You know, those shy women,
1275
00:58:27,989 --> 00:58:29,789
those are usually
the ones that have
1276
00:58:29,891 --> 00:58:31,891
the most skeletons
in their closet.
1277
00:58:33,729 --> 00:58:35,599
That's why they shy now.
1278
00:58:35,697 --> 00:58:38,967
'Cause they been raising hell
all their life, now they shy.
1279
00:58:39,067 --> 00:58:41,137
Think about it. All them
shy women that you meet,
1280
00:58:41,236 --> 00:58:43,266
they never from the town
you meet them in.
1281
00:58:43,371 --> 00:58:44,671
They always from somewhere else.
1282
00:58:44,773 --> 00:58:47,343
Then they come to your town
and get shy.
1283
00:58:47,442 --> 00:58:49,182
Get the fuck out of here.
1284
00:58:49,277 --> 00:58:51,207
They afraid to talk,
'cause they think a bone
1285
00:58:51,312 --> 00:58:56,592
is going to fly out their mouth
or some shit.
1286
00:58:56,685 --> 00:58:58,085
"Hi."
1287
00:58:59,888 --> 00:59:01,798
"So many skeletons."
1288
00:59:04,566 --> 00:59:05,966
I hate shy women.
1289
00:59:06,067 --> 00:59:09,067
I like extroverts, I like women
with a sense of humor.
1290
00:59:09,170 --> 00:59:12,140
I like funny girls
and funny women.
1291
00:59:12,240 --> 00:59:14,240
But hey, wait. You gotta
be good-looking too.
1292
00:59:14,342 --> 00:59:16,552
I don't wanna fuck no funny,
ugly bitch and shit.
1293
00:59:16,645 --> 00:59:18,105
I'd have me in the bed going,
1294
00:59:18,213 --> 00:59:20,523
"Hey, baby, can you tell me
some more jokes, please?"
1295
00:59:20,616 --> 00:59:21,916
Gotta be a good cook.
1296
00:59:22,017 --> 00:59:23,717
I didn't realize my mother
was a good cook
1297
00:59:23,819 --> 00:59:25,349
till after I moved out
of the house.
1298
00:59:25,453 --> 00:59:26,823
When you're a child,
1299
00:59:26,922 --> 00:59:28,700
if your mother doesn't take you
to McDonald's,
1300
00:59:28,724 --> 00:59:31,094
you don't think she can cook.
I had one of those mothers,
1301
00:59:31,192 --> 00:59:33,432
no matter what you want,
she has the ingredients at home.
1302
00:59:33,529 --> 00:59:36,099
You say, "Ma, I wanna stop
and get some McDonald's."
1303
00:59:36,197 --> 00:59:39,197
And she go,
"I got hamburger meat at home."
1304
00:59:39,300 --> 00:59:42,470
"But I want McDonald's
hamburgers."
1305
00:59:42,571 --> 00:59:45,141
"I'll make you a hamburger
better than McDonald's."
1306
00:59:45,240 --> 00:59:47,840
"You cook better
than McDonald's?"
1307
00:59:47,943 --> 00:59:50,253
"That's right.
You can help Mama make it."
1308
00:59:50,345 --> 00:59:53,005
You say, "Shit, that's better
than McDonald's."
1309
00:59:53,114 --> 00:59:55,424
Your mother say, "Okay, go get
me the big frying pan."
1310
00:59:55,517 --> 00:59:57,417
So you hand her the frying pan
and she say,
1311
00:59:57,519 --> 00:59:59,989
"I want you to go in the
refrigerator and get the meat
1312
01:00:00,088 --> 01:00:02,598
and while you in there, get me
a green pepper and a onion."
1313
01:00:02,698 --> 01:00:04,698
And you say,
1314
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:07,300
"Ain't no green peppers
at McDonald's."
1315
01:00:07,402 --> 01:00:09,942
"I'm not making McDonald's,
I'm making your Mama's burger.
1316
01:00:10,038 --> 01:00:12,608
"I need a green pepper and an
onion and while you're in there,
1317
01:00:12,708 --> 01:00:14,378
get me an egg out too."
1318
01:00:15,844 --> 01:00:18,554
"What you need eggs for?
1319
01:00:18,647 --> 01:00:20,977
"I want hamburgers.
1320
01:00:21,082 --> 01:00:24,692
You making Egg McMuffins."
1321
01:00:26,421 --> 01:00:27,721
"I'm not making an Egg McMuffin.
1322
01:00:27,823 --> 01:00:29,733
"I don't even know what
no damn Egg McMuffin is.
1323
01:00:29,825 --> 01:00:31,585
Just get me the egg
and shut your mouth."
1324
01:00:31,693 --> 01:00:33,173
She take the egg
and the green peppers
1325
01:00:33,228 --> 01:00:35,128
and chop the green peppers up
in big chunks.
1326
01:00:35,230 --> 01:00:38,000
Don't even dice it. Big chunks
of green peppers and onion
1327
01:00:38,099 --> 01:00:40,999
and mix the egg in and put
paprika and all this shit in it
1328
01:00:41,102 --> 01:00:42,702
and make a big meatball
and put it
1329
01:00:42,804 --> 01:00:44,574
in the middle
of this frying pan.
1330
01:00:44,673 --> 01:00:46,743
At McDonald's,
the meat is this thin.
1331
01:00:46,842 --> 01:00:49,182
Your mother's shit
is like this or fatter.
1332
01:00:49,277 --> 01:00:50,977
Green peppers hanging
out of it and shit.
1333
01:00:51,079 --> 01:00:52,649
And there's a big split
in the middle
1334
01:00:52,748 --> 01:00:54,118
and grease is popping out.
1335
01:00:54,215 --> 01:00:55,915
You're looking at it
while it's popping.
1336
01:00:56,017 --> 01:00:57,787
You're looking at the grease
in the pan,
1337
01:00:57,886 --> 01:00:59,116
you're thinking to yourself,
1338
01:00:59,220 --> 01:01:00,860
"That don't look like
no McDonald's."
1339
01:01:00,956 --> 01:01:02,996
Then your mother say,
"Go inside the refrigerator
1340
01:01:03,098 --> 01:01:05,268
and get me the bread
out of the bread box."
1341
01:01:05,366 --> 01:01:07,636
And you go look
in the bread box and you say,
1342
01:01:07,736 --> 01:01:11,366
"Ma, we don't have
no hamburger buns.
1343
01:01:11,472 --> 01:01:13,812
All we have is Wonder Bread."
1344
01:01:13,909 --> 01:01:15,079
"That's what I said.
1345
01:01:15,176 --> 01:01:17,676
Get the bread
out of the bread box."
1346
01:01:17,779 --> 01:01:19,579
"You going to put it
on square Wonder Bread?"
1347
01:01:19,681 --> 01:01:22,251
"Goddamn it, bread is bread.
You'd better bring me that bread
1348
01:01:22,350 --> 01:01:23,790
"before I slap you
in your mouth.
1349
01:01:23,885 --> 01:01:25,385
"Don't tell me about
Wonder Bread.
1350
01:01:25,486 --> 01:01:26,786
"As much as that bread costs,
1351
01:01:26,888 --> 01:01:28,600
"don't tell me some shit
about Wonder Bread.
1352
01:01:28,624 --> 01:01:30,864
This is Wonder Bread.
A hamburger is a hamburger."
1353
01:01:30,959 --> 01:01:32,129
And she'd make it and put it
1354
01:01:32,227 --> 01:01:34,027
in the middle
of square Wonder Bread.
1355
01:01:34,129 --> 01:01:36,799
At McDonald's, they use buns,
the meat covers the whole bread.
1356
01:01:36,898 --> 01:01:38,198
At your mother's,
1357
01:01:38,299 --> 01:01:40,439
the meat's right in
the middle of the bread,
1358
01:01:40,536 --> 01:01:42,236
with grease running
through the middle,
1359
01:01:42,337 --> 01:01:44,037
making the bread stick
to the plate.
1360
01:01:44,139 --> 01:01:46,169
Now, this big green pepper
is hanging out the top
1361
01:01:46,274 --> 01:01:47,744
of this big meatball
on the bread.
1362
01:01:47,843 --> 01:01:49,613
And you try to put
some ketchup on it
1363
01:01:49,711 --> 01:01:54,081
and it mixes with the grease,
turn the bread into pink dough.
1364
01:01:54,182 --> 01:01:56,222
Then you grab it
and get fingerprinted
1365
01:01:56,317 --> 01:01:58,817
and you got big,
pink fingerprints in the dough.
1366
01:01:58,920 --> 01:02:00,220
You stand there looking at it
1367
01:02:00,321 --> 01:02:02,161
and you try to make it look
like McDonald's,
1368
01:02:02,263 --> 01:02:04,373
so you rip the edges off around
it, make it round.
1369
01:02:04,465 --> 01:02:07,095
And you got green peppers and
grease running down your hand.
1370
01:02:07,202 --> 01:02:10,112
And your mother say,
"Now, go on outside and play."
1371
01:02:10,205 --> 01:02:11,865
And the other kids
got McDonald's.
1372
01:02:11,973 --> 01:02:13,543
They outside going,
1373
01:02:13,642 --> 01:02:16,442
We got McDonald's ♪
1374
01:02:16,545 --> 01:02:17,905
Hamburgers ♪
1375
01:02:18,013 --> 01:02:21,823
McDonald's, McDonald's ♪
1376
01:02:21,917 --> 01:02:25,647
I got McDonald's ♪
1377
01:02:25,754 --> 01:02:30,334
And you standing there
with this big "house burger."
1378
01:02:30,425 --> 01:02:31,725
And kids are honest.
1379
01:02:31,827 --> 01:02:33,227
They say,
"Where you get that big,
1380
01:02:33,328 --> 01:02:36,498
welfare, green-pepper burger?"
1381
01:02:36,598 --> 01:02:37,828
And you cry.
1382
01:02:42,838 --> 01:02:47,138
"My mother made it."
1383
01:02:47,242 --> 01:02:49,882
And long slob...
When little kids cry,
1384
01:02:49,978 --> 01:02:52,008
some long slob come
out of their mouth
1385
01:02:52,113 --> 01:02:53,823
and it hangs this far
to the ground.
1386
01:02:53,915 --> 01:02:55,675
And it won't break.
1387
01:02:55,784 --> 01:02:58,294
And adults stand around going,
"That slob going to break?"
1388
01:02:58,386 --> 01:03:00,626
And it won't.
The wind can blow that slob...
1389
01:03:02,263 --> 01:03:03,903
You know where you
can see kids crying?
1390
01:03:03,999 --> 01:03:05,469
I do it all the time,
I'm sadistic.
1391
01:03:05,567 --> 01:03:08,197
I like to go to supermarkets
and watch mothers lose it
1392
01:03:08,303 --> 01:03:10,913
and beat the shit out
of their kids.
1393
01:03:15,877 --> 01:03:17,447
Party at the Loft!
1394
01:03:17,546 --> 01:03:20,316
I was at the Loft. You know why
I ain't danced at the Loft?
1395
01:03:20,415 --> 01:03:22,675
I had just got over some shit.
I go to parties...
1396
01:03:22,784 --> 01:03:24,994
I went to a white disco recently
1397
01:03:25,086 --> 01:03:25,656
and I watched
the white people dance.
1398
01:03:25,657 --> 01:03:28,455
Y'all... Y'all can't dance.
1399
01:03:30,159 --> 01:03:33,499
No, it's not... I'm not being
racist. I mean, I mean...
1400
01:03:33,502 --> 01:03:34,842
It's just like saying
black people have thick lips.
1401
01:03:34,843 --> 01:03:36,937
That's not racist.
It's true. We have thick lips
1402
01:03:37,039 --> 01:03:39,039
and white people can't dance.
1403
01:03:39,141 --> 01:03:42,211
And y'all be trying.
Y'all be really...
1404
01:03:42,312 --> 01:03:45,012
Do y'all listen to the words
or the beat?
1405
01:03:46,649 --> 01:03:48,049
'Cause y'all be... And I really...
1406
01:03:48,150 --> 01:03:50,320
I tell you, every time
you see a black...
1407
01:03:50,420 --> 01:03:51,700
When you ever go
to a white club,
1408
01:03:51,788 --> 01:03:53,588
you see five or six brothers
just standing.
1409
01:03:53,690 --> 01:03:55,490
You ask, "Why are those
niggers in here?"
1410
01:03:55,592 --> 01:03:57,662
They watching y'all dance.
1411
01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:00,200
"Look at these crazy
motherfuckers."
1412
01:04:00,303 --> 01:04:01,803
Y'all got one dance
y'all can do.
1413
01:04:01,904 --> 01:04:03,974
Y'all can do this shit,
like this...
1414
01:04:08,811 --> 01:04:11,651
But y'all don't do no moves,
it's just this...
1415
01:04:11,748 --> 01:04:15,288
Y'all do some shit like this,
you be fucked up. You'd be...
1416
01:04:15,385 --> 01:04:17,185
"Oh, shit..."
1417
01:04:19,221 --> 01:04:21,791
And white people, y'all step
on each other's feet.
1418
01:04:21,891 --> 01:04:24,061
Brothers, we go to the disco,
get all fucked up,
1419
01:04:24,160 --> 01:04:25,900
you're stepping
and hitting and...
1420
01:04:25,995 --> 01:04:27,155
Brothers got some dance.
1421
01:04:27,264 --> 01:04:28,874
They be doing this
with their heads.
1422
01:04:28,965 --> 01:04:30,995
Some shit like that.
1423
01:04:31,100 --> 01:04:32,500
If the white people do that,
1424
01:04:32,602 --> 01:04:34,302
they'll kill each other.
They be like...
1425
01:04:35,472 --> 01:04:37,612
"Sorry."
1426
01:04:37,707 --> 01:04:39,977
"Let's stick with this."
1427
01:04:41,378 --> 01:04:43,678
I was in the club, man.
I stopped going...
1428
01:04:43,780 --> 01:04:46,420
I ain't danced at the Loft
'cause I had a fight recently
1429
01:04:46,516 --> 01:04:48,446
and I said I ain't dancing.
I went to clubs...
1430
01:04:48,551 --> 01:04:51,091
People get drunk, go to clubs
and start fighting.
1431
01:04:51,187 --> 01:04:52,557
I had a fight
with an Italian dude
1432
01:04:52,655 --> 01:04:55,085
right after around the time
Rocky came out.
1433
01:04:55,191 --> 01:04:57,091
Italians... White people, period,
1434
01:04:57,193 --> 01:04:59,033
y'all go crazy after
y'all see a Rocky movie,
1435
01:04:59,128 --> 01:05:01,568
'cause y'all believe that shit.
1436
01:05:01,671 --> 01:05:04,371
'Cause the movies
are so emotional and so real,
1437
01:05:04,474 --> 01:05:06,744
you sit there and go like,
"Hey, this is real."
1438
01:05:06,843 --> 01:05:08,713
And Stallone have y'all white
people pumped,
1439
01:05:08,811 --> 01:05:09,811
especially Italians.
1440
01:05:09,912 --> 01:05:11,182
After Italians see Rocky,
1441
01:05:11,281 --> 01:05:13,181
they come out the movie theater,
they be like...
1442
01:05:13,283 --> 01:05:15,723
Italians are funny people,
'cause they act like niggas.
1443
01:05:15,818 --> 01:05:17,018
It's real funny.
1444
01:05:17,119 --> 01:05:18,859
They do. They hold
their dick more than us.
1445
01:05:18,955 --> 01:05:20,455
They be standing around,
1446
01:05:20,557 --> 01:05:23,027
"Get the fuck out of here."
1447
01:05:27,196 --> 01:05:29,226
"It's right here, all right?"
1448
01:05:29,332 --> 01:05:32,202
"What? Hey, fuck you,
all right?"
1449
01:05:32,302 --> 01:05:35,472
Everything is a question too.
"Hey, what am I, an asshole?
1450
01:05:35,572 --> 01:05:38,512
"What am I, a fucking jerk?
Get the fuck out of here.
1451
01:05:38,608 --> 01:05:40,738
It's right here, all right?"
1452
01:05:49,986 --> 01:05:51,116
After they see Rocky,
1453
01:05:51,220 --> 01:05:52,790
they come out
of the theater charged.
1454
01:05:52,889 --> 01:05:55,829
They be like,
"All right, Rock-O!"
1455
01:05:55,925 --> 01:05:58,325
"All right, Sly!"
1456
01:06:02,272 --> 01:06:04,042
"Hey!
1457
01:06:04,140 --> 01:06:07,910
All right, Rock-O! Rock-O!"
1458
01:06:08,010 --> 01:06:09,850
Go up to the people
standing on line and shit.
1459
01:06:09,946 --> 01:06:12,716
"Hey, paisan, you going in
to see Rocky right now?"
1460
01:06:12,815 --> 01:06:17,145
"Yeah."
"It's a great fucking movie.
1461
01:06:19,289 --> 01:06:20,959
"It's great."
1462
01:06:22,158 --> 01:06:24,128
"You going to like this.
When Sly comes out,"
1463
01:06:24,226 --> 01:06:26,126
"he breaks this big
fucking nigger's face."
1464
01:06:26,228 --> 01:06:27,728
"He busts it fucking wide open."
1465
01:06:27,830 --> 01:06:31,370
"Fucking melanzane laying
on the floor, fucked up."
1466
01:06:33,235 --> 01:06:37,165
"It's fucking great. I fucking
love it, man. All right, Rock-O!"
1467
01:06:37,274 --> 01:06:39,584
"Hey, you know something.
At the end of this picture,"
1468
01:06:39,676 --> 01:06:40,906
"now, just between you and I,"
1469
01:06:41,010 --> 01:06:42,480
"I don't wanna ruin
the surprise,"
1470
01:06:42,579 --> 01:06:44,509
"but Sly wins this one again."
1471
01:06:44,614 --> 01:06:46,584
"You know what I like
about Stallone's movies?"
1472
01:06:46,683 --> 01:06:49,053
"The realism. You know?
'Cause that's the way you gotta"
1473
01:06:49,151 --> 01:06:50,821
"fucking treat those
fucking moolies."
1474
01:06:50,920 --> 01:06:52,790
"They think they can fucking
push you around,"
1475
01:06:52,889 --> 01:06:54,019
'Oh, you big hotshot, '
1476
01:06:54,123 --> 01:06:55,833
"get the fuck out of here.
1477
01:06:55,925 --> 01:06:57,925
"Get the fuck out of my face
with that shit.
1478
01:06:58,027 --> 01:06:59,657
"That's what I like about Sly.
He goes in
1479
01:06:59,762 --> 01:07:02,542
"and the moolies are beating him
and he don't fucking go down.
1480
01:07:02,639 --> 01:07:04,239
"He's not fucking going down.
1481
01:07:04,341 --> 01:07:06,981
"He comes in and he cracks the
fucking moolie's hole like this.
1482
01:07:07,076 --> 01:07:08,446
"He falls on the ground.
I swear.
1483
01:07:08,545 --> 01:07:10,645
"You know something,
you can really fucking do that.
1484
01:07:10,747 --> 01:07:13,317
"You see that fucking big
melanzanestanding over there?
1485
01:07:13,416 --> 01:07:15,656
See that black guy over there
at the line getting candy?"
1486
01:07:15,752 --> 01:07:20,062
"Yeah." "All right. Now,
he's about 6'5". I'm 5'2".
1487
01:07:20,156 --> 01:07:22,216
"I ain't no big guy, all right?"
1488
01:07:22,325 --> 01:07:26,025
"But I'm Italian. Watch this.
You watch this, all right?"
1489
01:07:31,768 --> 01:07:34,038
"Hey, excuse me, brother."
1490
01:07:35,905 --> 01:07:38,065
"Hey, let me have
a box of Juji Fruits
1491
01:07:38,174 --> 01:07:40,144
"and let me have some Bon Bons.
1492
01:07:40,243 --> 01:07:42,513
"I think I'll have some
Bon Bons there.
1493
01:07:42,612 --> 01:07:45,052
"And let me have some
Junior Mints.
1494
01:07:45,147 --> 01:07:48,347
"And, uh, give me another box
of Juji Fruits.
1495
01:07:48,451 --> 01:07:51,191
And the nigger's
going to pay for it."
1496
01:07:55,825 --> 01:07:57,525
"Excuse me?"
1497
01:08:01,571 --> 01:08:06,481
"You heard what I said, moolie.
Pay for my fucking candy..."
1498
01:08:11,080 --> 01:08:13,480
"or I'll kick your ass."
1499
01:08:15,217 --> 01:08:17,317
"Oh, you just saw Rocky."
1500
01:08:19,689 --> 01:08:21,989
"Look, little Italian white man.
1501
01:08:22,091 --> 01:08:23,691
"I enjoy Sylvester Stallone's
movies too.
1502
01:08:23,760 --> 01:08:25,400
"But I'm waiting here
to get some candy
1503
01:08:25,495 --> 01:08:27,655
"and I'm going to go see a movie
with my friend.
1504
01:08:27,764 --> 01:08:29,934
"Why don't you
just go hop in your IROC Z-28
1505
01:08:30,032 --> 01:08:32,032
and take your ass home."
1506
01:08:35,137 --> 01:08:38,007
"I'll kick your fucking ass."
1507
01:08:38,107 --> 01:08:40,707
Then they hear that Rocky music.
1508
01:08:40,810 --> 01:08:41,980
Hour later...
1509
01:08:44,180 --> 01:08:45,780
"He's not going to make it.
1510
01:08:45,882 --> 01:08:49,252
"The big nigger named Abdullah's
hand wrapped around his throat.
1511
01:08:49,352 --> 01:08:51,252
"And a box of Juji Fruits
rammed up his ass.
1512
01:08:51,354 --> 01:08:53,024
"He's not going to make it.
1513
01:08:53,122 --> 01:08:54,992
He's fucked up."
1514
01:08:56,593 --> 01:08:59,063
That's who I had a fight with.
I had a fight with an Italian.
1515
01:08:59,161 --> 01:09:01,001
Those are the worst
white people to fight,
1516
01:09:01,103 --> 01:09:03,613
'cause they don't know it...
Especially around Rocky time.
1517
01:09:03,706 --> 01:09:05,506
'Cause I was in a discotheque
talking to...
1518
01:09:05,608 --> 01:09:08,038
I was in a disco talking to
Deney Terrio from Dance Fever.
1519
01:09:08,144 --> 01:09:09,714
Don't ask me why. But I...
1520
01:09:09,812 --> 01:09:11,682
We were there kicking it
and this Italian dude
1521
01:09:11,781 --> 01:09:13,421
is standing there
with his girlfriend
1522
01:09:13,516 --> 01:09:15,546
and his girlfriend
is looking at me or Deney.
1523
01:09:15,652 --> 01:09:16,952
And the Italian guy...
1524
01:09:17,053 --> 01:09:19,693
Italians don't play that shit.
You hear the shit they say
1525
01:09:19,789 --> 01:09:21,059
to their girlfriends?
1526
01:09:21,157 --> 01:09:22,935
"What the fuck
you looking over there for, huh?
1527
01:09:22,959 --> 01:09:25,429
"Don't tell me you're not
looking. I just saw you looking.
1528
01:09:25,528 --> 01:09:27,828
"You been looking over there
all fucking night, all right.
1529
01:09:27,930 --> 01:09:30,300
"You look over there again,
I'm going to pick up a glass
1530
01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:32,300
"and shove it in your fucking
mouth, all right?
1531
01:09:32,402 --> 01:09:34,242
"You don't look over there.
No, you shut up.
1532
01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:36,437
"You're making me look
like I'm an asshole over here.
1533
01:09:36,539 --> 01:09:38,639
"Don't you ever disrespect me.
Don't you ever.
1534
01:09:38,741 --> 01:09:40,021
"Hey, shut up. Don't you ever...
1535
01:09:40,076 --> 01:09:41,636
"I'll fucking kick your ass
inside here.
1536
01:09:41,678 --> 01:09:43,408
"What are you looking
at a fucking dancer
1537
01:09:43,513 --> 01:09:45,083
"and a melanzane for?
He's a moolie.
1538
01:09:45,181 --> 01:09:46,681
You know I'll kick
his moolie ass."
1539
01:09:46,783 --> 01:09:47,853
He pushed me.
1540
01:09:47,950 --> 01:09:49,250
Now, black people from New York
1541
01:09:49,352 --> 01:09:50,992
have this trick we use
on white people.
1542
01:09:51,087 --> 01:09:52,917
It works.
Even if you can't fight,
1543
01:09:53,022 --> 01:09:54,492
you have to act like
you can fight,
1544
01:09:54,591 --> 01:09:56,761
'cause that gets you out
of a lot of fights.
1545
01:09:56,859 --> 01:09:58,729
It works. If you have some
problem tomorrow...
1546
01:09:58,828 --> 01:10:01,298
Walk up to a white dude and
step on his foot. And he says,
1547
01:10:01,404 --> 01:10:02,744
"Hey, you got a problem?"
1548
01:10:02,839 --> 01:10:05,439
You go, "Yeah, motherfucker,
I got a problem!"
1549
01:10:11,648 --> 01:10:14,278
"I just lost
my motherfucking job"
1550
01:10:14,384 --> 01:10:17,354
"to a white man,
look just like you!"
1551
01:10:20,222 --> 01:10:22,292
"So I say I'm going to step
on some feet
1552
01:10:22,392 --> 01:10:24,962
"till I feel
I've redeemed myself.
1553
01:10:25,061 --> 01:10:26,201
You got a problem?"
1554
01:10:26,296 --> 01:10:27,456
And white guys will go,
1555
01:10:27,564 --> 01:10:29,734
"Hey, I didn't know
about your job."
1556
01:10:29,832 --> 01:10:32,202
They leave and brother
be standing there like this...
1557
01:10:32,302 --> 01:10:35,142
"Oh, that was close.
1558
01:10:35,237 --> 01:10:37,107
I almost got fucked up."
1559
01:10:37,206 --> 01:10:38,936
So I know you gotta act
like you can fight.
1560
01:10:39,041 --> 01:10:41,641
First thing you do is you make
your voice go up an octave
1561
01:10:41,744 --> 01:10:43,284
and act real confused.
And mumble,
1562
01:10:43,380 --> 01:10:45,480
"What the fuck this
motherfucker trying...?"
1563
01:10:45,582 --> 01:10:47,552
"Yo, you don't put your
motherfucking hand, no..."
1564
01:10:47,650 --> 01:10:49,920
"Get the fuck... Mind your
motherfucking business."
1565
01:10:50,019 --> 01:10:51,589
"I'll bust
your motherfucking ass."
1566
01:10:51,688 --> 01:10:54,058
"Don't you never put your
hands... Shut the fuck up, man."
1567
01:10:54,156 --> 01:10:55,634
"What the fuck is wrong
with you, man?"
1568
01:10:55,658 --> 01:10:57,538
"You know I'll bust you...
Get the fuck off me."
1569
01:10:57,594 --> 01:10:59,304
"I'll bust your motherfucking
ass too."
1570
01:10:59,396 --> 01:11:00,796
"Mind your motherfucking
business."
1571
01:11:00,903 --> 01:11:03,313
"You want some, motherfucker?
You want some?"
1572
01:11:03,406 --> 01:11:05,206
"Then make a move, then.
Make a move."
1573
01:11:05,308 --> 01:11:06,938
"Yeah, you better walk away,
mother..."
1574
01:11:07,043 --> 01:11:08,383
"I'll bust your pussy ass too."
1575
01:11:08,478 --> 01:11:10,378
"You never put your
motherfucking hands on me."
1576
01:11:10,480 --> 01:11:12,780
"What the fuck is your problem?
What's your problem, huh?"
1577
01:11:12,882 --> 01:11:15,392
"You got a problem? Well, I'm
going to settle your problem."
1578
01:11:15,485 --> 01:11:16,845
"I'm going to settle
your problem."
1579
01:11:16,953 --> 01:11:19,223
"I'm going to settle
your problem, motherfucker!"
1580
01:11:19,322 --> 01:11:21,622
And the dude did like this,
"Come on!"
1581
01:11:27,797 --> 01:11:30,167
I was stuck.
1582
01:11:30,267 --> 01:11:32,767
I was standing there
like this now.
1583
01:11:32,869 --> 01:11:35,269
Dude said, "Come on,
that's the way I like it."
1584
01:11:35,372 --> 01:11:36,672
I didn't know what to do,
1585
01:11:36,773 --> 01:11:39,443
'cause I could act
like I could fight good.
1586
01:11:39,542 --> 01:11:41,312
You know, I'm an actor,
I ain't no fighter.
1587
01:11:41,411 --> 01:11:43,811
You put me in a movie
where I'm the star,
1588
01:11:43,913 --> 01:11:45,883
I'll kick your ass.
1589
01:11:45,982 --> 01:11:48,222
This is real shit.
He's standing there, "Come on."
1590
01:11:48,318 --> 01:11:50,348
I was frozen, man.
I was standing there,
1591
01:11:50,453 --> 01:11:52,963
my ego jumped out
of my body and said,
1592
01:11:53,055 --> 01:11:55,155
"Punch him in the face, Ed."
1593
01:11:55,258 --> 01:11:56,628
I said,
"I ain't punching nobody."
1594
01:11:56,726 --> 01:11:58,356
My ego said,
"Well, give me your hand."
1595
01:12:00,236 --> 01:12:02,166
Clocked that boy in his eye.
1596
01:12:02,272 --> 01:12:03,812
Boy fell on the deck
holding his eye,
1597
01:12:03,906 --> 01:12:06,376
he was all fucked up.
I looked at my ego, I said,
1598
01:12:06,476 --> 01:12:08,276
"What the fuck you do that for?"
1599
01:12:08,378 --> 01:12:10,308
Ego said, "'Cause you've got
an image to uphold."
1600
01:12:10,413 --> 01:12:12,653
Look, you kicked the dude's ass,
man. Calm down. Relax."
1601
01:12:12,749 --> 01:12:15,219
And I looked. The dude was
laying there, holding his eye.
1602
01:12:15,318 --> 01:12:16,695
My ego said,
"Now talk some shit now
1603
01:12:16,719 --> 01:12:18,259
so people know
not to mess with you."
1604
01:12:18,355 --> 01:12:20,255
And I was like... "Yeah."
1605
01:12:21,591 --> 01:12:23,591
I'm tired of people
messing with me."
1606
01:12:23,693 --> 01:12:25,303
"Now tell them
if somebody else move,
1607
01:12:25,395 --> 01:12:26,955
you going to kick their ass."
1608
01:12:27,063 --> 01:12:29,233
"If somebody else move,
1609
01:12:29,332 --> 01:12:31,432
I'm going to kick their ass?"
1610
01:12:33,632 --> 01:12:35,140
"Do some kind of rhyme
with your name.
1611
01:12:35,141 --> 01:12:36,495
That always scares
white people. Rhyme your name."
1612
01:12:36,498 --> 01:12:37,628
"'Cause I'm Ed,
1613
01:12:37,733 --> 01:12:40,473
and if you mess with Ed,
you be dead."
1614
01:12:42,270 --> 01:12:44,810
"That's all right. Just worry
about... Shit, you doing fine.
1615
01:12:44,906 --> 01:12:47,376
"You just relax, don't worry
about nothing. Just be cool.
1616
01:12:47,476 --> 01:12:48,806
"Ain't nobody going to move now
1617
01:12:48,910 --> 01:12:50,650
"after they seen you
kick this dude's ass.
1618
01:12:50,746 --> 01:12:51,846
Just relax and cool out."
1619
01:12:51,947 --> 01:12:53,377
I start cooling out.
My ego said,
1620
01:12:53,482 --> 01:12:54,962
"You ain't got to worry
about nothing.
1621
01:12:55,016 --> 01:12:57,046
"Every now and then you
gotta whip somebody's ass,
1622
01:12:57,152 --> 01:12:59,662
let them know where you stand."
I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
1623
01:12:59,755 --> 01:13:02,255
I ain't see this dude's brother
standing behind me.
1624
01:13:02,363 --> 01:13:05,203
And he has seen Rocky too.
1625
01:13:05,300 --> 01:13:07,500
And he swung around my back
1626
01:13:07,603 --> 01:13:10,873
and punched me in the mouth...
1627
01:13:10,972 --> 01:13:13,042
real, real hard.
1628
01:13:14,109 --> 01:13:15,139
'Cause the punch said...
1629
01:13:16,412 --> 01:13:19,152
And my ego said,
"What was that?!"
1630
01:13:19,247 --> 01:13:22,177
I said, "I don't know."
And my lip said, "Hey, fellas!"
1631
01:13:40,936 --> 01:13:43,866
So I'm standing there
with my lips hanging down,
1632
01:13:43,972 --> 01:13:48,142
looking like J. J.
From Good Times and shit.
1633
01:13:48,243 --> 01:13:50,653
And I ain't know what to do,
so I scream for security.
1634
01:13:50,746 --> 01:13:52,276
I said, "Security!"
1635
01:13:52,380 --> 01:13:55,250
And that's when one of my boys
jumped over the table
1636
01:13:55,350 --> 01:13:56,670
like Linc Hayes
from the Mod Squad
1637
01:13:56,718 --> 01:13:58,448
and grabbed that boy
and started going...
1638
01:13:58,554 --> 01:13:59,664
Pow, pow, pow, pow, pow.
1639
01:13:59,755 --> 01:14:01,355
Boom. Boy hit the deck.
My boy jumps up
1640
01:14:01,463 --> 01:14:02,733
and starts fucking this boy up
1641
01:14:02,831 --> 01:14:04,631
and his brother woke up,
jump on top of my boy
1642
01:14:04,733 --> 01:14:05,973
and started kicking his ass.
1643
01:14:06,067 --> 01:14:07,767
Then somebody says,
"Fight in the back!"
1644
01:14:07,869 --> 01:14:09,539
And all the people,
the bouncers came...
1645
01:14:09,638 --> 01:14:10,868
It was a white club,
1646
01:14:10,972 --> 01:14:12,842
they saw two niggas
fighting two white guys.
1647
01:14:12,941 --> 01:14:15,211
They jump on the niggas.
"You niggers have to learn
1648
01:14:15,309 --> 01:14:16,509
"to stop fucking up our clubs.
1649
01:14:16,545 --> 01:14:17,605
"Didn't we let you in here,
nigger?
1650
01:14:17,607 --> 01:14:19,017
We saw you laughing while
we were dancing. We saw you."
1651
01:14:19,023 --> 01:14:21,522
Then all the brothers
saw 40 white guys
1652
01:14:21,523 --> 01:14:22,660
beating up two black guys.
1653
01:14:22,756 --> 01:14:24,386
"Hey, you can't beat up
the brothers."
1654
01:14:24,490 --> 01:14:25,990
They jump in the fight.
1655
01:14:26,092 --> 01:14:26,852
Then it looked like 40 white
guys fighting 40 black guys,
1656
01:14:26,853 --> 01:14:28,918
it was a big race war
and suntan lotion
1657
01:14:28,920 --> 01:14:30,760
and Jheri-curl juices
shooting all over the place.
1658
01:14:30,761 --> 01:14:35,726
And at the end of the fight,
everybody sued me.
1659
01:14:35,727 --> 01:14:37,717
Everybody claimed
I whipped their ass.
1660
01:14:37,719 --> 01:14:39,789
I'm 5'10". I weigh 165 pounds.
1661
01:14:39,888 --> 01:14:42,558
I can't whip a disco's ass
by myself.
1662
01:14:42,657 --> 01:14:44,287
Even people that didn't fight
sued me.
1663
01:14:44,392 --> 01:14:46,462
People that watched the fight
was in court.
1664
01:14:46,561 --> 01:14:49,231
"No, I didn't actually fight,
but I was there watching.
1665
01:14:49,330 --> 01:14:50,530
"And it was a discotheque
1666
01:14:50,632 --> 01:14:52,209
"and a strobe light fell
off the ceiling,
1667
01:14:52,233 --> 01:14:54,673
"creating a weird effect
with the mirror
1668
01:14:54,769 --> 01:14:57,469
"and I saw this
and my eyes were sprained,
1669
01:14:57,572 --> 01:15:01,952
the eyes, and I need 12 million
for my sprained eyes."
1670
01:15:03,918 --> 01:15:06,448
Brothers sued me. Yo, man,
the brothers came out and sued.
1671
01:15:06,555 --> 01:15:08,455
I was like, "Ain't no brothers
going to sue me."
1672
01:15:08,557 --> 01:15:10,687
Brothers sued Ed.
The brothers went to get paid.
1673
01:15:10,792 --> 01:15:12,432
I was like,
"Brothers don't sue brothers."
1674
01:15:12,460 --> 01:15:15,160
They was like, "Fuck that.
I'm getting paid, motherfucker."
1675
01:15:15,263 --> 01:15:17,303
Brothers went to court,
got educated on the judge.
1676
01:15:17,398 --> 01:15:19,638
All of a sudden they was like,
"Can you state your case."
1677
01:15:19,668 --> 01:15:22,968
"Yes, Your Honor, on the evening
in question, per se, Your Honor."
1678
01:15:24,873 --> 01:15:27,043
"Yo, check it out, Your Honor.
I was inside the disco."
1679
01:15:27,141 --> 01:15:29,111
"Cooling, right?
I went in with my girlie, right?"
1680
01:15:29,210 --> 01:15:31,480
"My girl start illing,
'Oh, there go Eddie Murphy.'"
1681
01:15:31,580 --> 01:15:33,157
"Start acting all tipsy
and shit, right?"
1682
01:15:33,181 --> 01:15:35,081
"I say, 'Where? Where?'
She say, 'Over there.'"
1683
01:15:35,183 --> 01:15:37,223
"I say, 'Fuck that big-nose
motherfucker."
1684
01:15:37,318 --> 01:15:39,448
'I make my money just like him'
Right, Your Honor?
1685
01:15:39,554 --> 01:15:41,894
"'Cause I don't give a fuck.
I ain't getting on nobody."
1686
01:15:41,990 --> 01:15:43,433
"So, Your Honor,
check it out, right?"
1687
01:15:43,457 --> 01:15:45,327
"What happened...
What happened then, right?"
1688
01:15:45,426 --> 01:15:47,696
"I say, 'Yo, what you want,
me go over,"
1689
01:15:47,796 --> 01:15:49,126
get the motherfucker autograph'
1690
01:15:49,230 --> 01:15:51,000
"I got the autograph
for my girlie."
1691
01:15:51,099 --> 01:15:54,899
"I walked over and said,
'Yo, Ed, sign this autograph.'"
1692
01:15:55,003 --> 01:15:57,813
"Then Ed say, 'I ain't signing
a motherfucking thing."
1693
01:15:57,906 --> 01:16:00,146
'Fuck you and your ugly bitch.'
I say, 'Yo, Ed.
1694
01:16:00,248 --> 01:16:02,218
'I'll bust your ass
for saying shit like that.'
1695
01:16:02,316 --> 01:16:05,616
"He say, 'Motherfucker, I...'
And he ran over to my woman
1696
01:16:05,720 --> 01:16:07,720
"and slap her in the face,
Your Honor.
1697
01:16:07,822 --> 01:16:09,592
"Then he slap me
and my man in the face.
1698
01:16:09,691 --> 01:16:12,661
"All three of us, like
the Three Stooges, Your Honor.
1699
01:16:12,761 --> 01:16:15,501
Twelve million. Twelve!"
1700
01:16:15,597 --> 01:16:17,697
I was disgusted.
1701
01:16:17,799 --> 01:16:21,069
"Yeah, Your Honor.
Give us half his shit."
1702
01:16:25,439 --> 01:16:26,709
I was mad.
1703
01:16:26,808 --> 01:16:28,418
I called my mother up.
You know how you do.
1704
01:16:28,442 --> 01:16:30,312
When you get depressed,
you call your mother.
1705
01:16:30,411 --> 01:16:32,851
You get your ass whipped,
first thing you do is call home.
1706
01:16:32,947 --> 01:16:34,147
I call my mother's house.
1707
01:16:34,248 --> 01:16:36,118
'Cause you wanna hear
your mother say,
1708
01:16:36,217 --> 01:16:38,457
"It's going to be all right,
baby. It's going to be fine.
1709
01:16:38,486 --> 01:16:40,246
"You just come on home.
Shh. Stop crying.
1710
01:16:40,354 --> 01:16:41,924
"I'll cook you something to eat.
1711
01:16:42,023 --> 01:16:43,863
"I'll cook you one of them
big old hamburgers
1712
01:16:43,958 --> 01:16:45,788
I used to make before.
You just come on home."
1713
01:16:45,894 --> 01:16:47,538
And you want that burger
when you get older.
1714
01:16:47,562 --> 01:16:49,732
I called my mother's house,
it was a Friday night,
1715
01:16:49,831 --> 01:16:51,531
the phone rang for a half-hour.
1716
01:16:51,633 --> 01:16:53,803
Which meant my pops was home,
and on the weekends,
1717
01:16:53,902 --> 01:16:55,342
my pops gets drunk.
1718
01:16:55,436 --> 01:16:57,366
I was praying he wouldn't
answer the telephone,
1719
01:16:57,471 --> 01:16:59,311
'cause I'm bleeding,
my lips are swollen,
1720
01:16:59,407 --> 01:17:01,447
people walking by going,
"Hey, Jimmie Walker."
1721
01:17:01,549 --> 01:17:03,279
I'm going, "No, I'm Ed.
I just had a fight."
1722
01:17:03,384 --> 01:17:05,454
So I'm praying my father
wouldn't answer the phone.
1723
01:17:05,554 --> 01:17:07,724
And I picture this is going on
while I'm standing,
1724
01:17:07,822 --> 01:17:09,362
my pops is home
like this, drunk...
1725
01:17:09,457 --> 01:17:11,787
"This is my house!"
1726
01:17:17,198 --> 01:17:19,828
"It's my house
and I don't give a fuck!"
1727
01:17:19,934 --> 01:17:21,974
"You know something?
Hey, I'm drunk, Lil."
1728
01:17:22,070 --> 01:17:24,870
"Lil? I'm drunk.
And you know something?"
1729
01:17:24,973 --> 01:17:26,313
"It's beautiful."
1730
01:17:28,610 --> 01:17:29,840
"It's beautiful, Lil."
1731
01:17:29,944 --> 01:17:31,554
"In my heart and my soul,
I'm drunk."
1732
01:17:31,646 --> 01:17:33,246
"You know something, fuck it."
1733
01:17:33,347 --> 01:17:36,647
"If I wanna drink
something in my house, fine."
1734
01:17:36,751 --> 01:17:40,151
"You don't like it,
get the fuck out of my house."
1735
01:17:40,254 --> 01:17:41,994
"I pay the bills
for this motherfucker."
1736
01:17:42,090 --> 01:17:43,960
"I wanna drink something,
I drink something."
1737
01:17:44,058 --> 01:17:46,628
"Hey, Lil, you going to
answer this telephone?"
1738
01:17:46,728 --> 01:17:48,698
"Do you hear the phone ringing?"
1739
01:17:48,797 --> 01:17:49,897
"Lil!"
1740
01:17:55,103 --> 01:17:58,613
"That's the phone, motherfucker.
That's not me."
1741
01:17:58,707 --> 01:18:00,147
"No, I'm not answering shit."
1742
01:18:00,248 --> 01:18:02,578
"I pay the bills. I'm going
to answer the phone too?"
1743
01:18:02,684 --> 01:18:05,954
"Who am I, Alexander Graham Bell
up in this motherfucker?"
1744
01:18:06,054 --> 01:18:07,824
"You better answer
this telephone."
1745
01:18:07,922 --> 01:18:09,722
"Lil, answer the phone.
Goddamn it, look..."
1746
01:18:09,824 --> 01:18:11,434
"Shit, I'm watching
the fights, Lil."
1747
01:18:11,525 --> 01:18:13,995
"Are you going to answer...?
You're not going to answer it?"
1748
01:18:14,095 --> 01:18:16,025
"Okay. Fine. Don't touch
the phone no more, Lil."
1749
01:18:16,130 --> 01:18:17,870
"Okay? Since you can't
get up off your ass"
1750
01:18:17,966 --> 01:18:19,526
"and answer the phone... Bye-bye."
1751
01:18:19,634 --> 01:18:22,104
"You can't touch the phone.
Bye-bye, phone, for Lillian."
1752
01:18:22,203 --> 01:18:24,123
"No more phone for you.
Your phone rights are..."
1753
01:18:24,205 --> 01:18:25,765
"Your phone privileges
are cut off."
1754
01:18:25,874 --> 01:18:27,444
"In fact, I'm going
to write that down"
1755
01:18:27,541 --> 01:18:29,181
"and put it on the fridge."
1756
01:18:29,277 --> 01:18:31,558
"That's the new rules. That's
the new rules in the house."
1757
01:18:31,613 --> 01:18:33,983
"I'm going to take the old rules
off and put new rules up."
1758
01:18:34,082 --> 01:18:35,852
"'Cause you going to listen
to me, goddamn,"
1759
01:18:35,950 --> 01:18:37,261
"when I tell you
to do something."
1760
01:18:37,285 --> 01:18:38,525
"We going to put new rules up."
1761
01:18:38,553 --> 01:18:40,093
"We going to put rules up.
Rules up."
1762
01:18:40,188 --> 01:18:41,958
"Rules. Rules. One, 'Lillian..."
1763
01:18:42,056 --> 01:18:45,586
cannot use the phone.'
1764
01:18:45,694 --> 01:18:49,064
"Two, 'Lillian cannot...'"
1765
01:18:49,163 --> 01:18:50,933
"Since you're such
a smart motherfucker,"
1766
01:18:51,032 --> 01:18:53,602
"you can't go outside
anymore either."
1767
01:18:53,702 --> 01:18:58,112
'Cannot go outside ever again.'
1768
01:18:58,206 --> 01:18:59,636
"Now, put the rules up, Lillian."
1769
01:18:59,741 --> 01:19:02,251
"You abide by my rules
and my regulations, goddamn it."
1770
01:19:02,350 --> 01:19:05,090
"And the rules say
'No phone and no outside.'"
1771
01:19:05,186 --> 01:19:06,416
"And I don't give a fuck"
1772
01:19:06,520 --> 01:19:08,460
"if the motherfucking house
is burning down."
1773
01:19:08,557 --> 01:19:10,987
"If I come home and a fireman
putting the house out, I say,"
1774
01:19:11,092 --> 01:19:12,762
'How you find out the house
was burning?'
1775
01:19:12,861 --> 01:19:16,871
'We got a call from your wife, '
I kick your motherfucking ass.
1776
01:19:16,965 --> 01:19:18,225
"You're in this house to stay!
1777
01:19:18,332 --> 01:19:20,032
"You'll burn up
in this motherfucker.
1778
01:19:20,134 --> 01:19:21,574
"No, Lillian, where you going?
1779
01:19:21,670 --> 01:19:23,440
"Didn't I just say
you couldn't go no place?
1780
01:19:23,537 --> 01:19:25,267
"How the hell you going to
go somewhere...?
1781
01:19:25,373 --> 01:19:27,613
"No, Lillian. You're not going
to Shirley's house
1782
01:19:27,709 --> 01:19:28,869
"to play Pokeno. Fuck Pokeno.
1783
01:19:28,943 --> 01:19:30,343
"Take your coat off.
1784
01:19:30,444 --> 01:19:32,214
"No, you can't go no place,
'cause I said so.
1785
01:19:32,313 --> 01:19:33,883
"The rules say 'no outside.'
1786
01:19:33,982 --> 01:19:35,793
"I know you wanna leave,
that's why you can't go.
1787
01:19:35,817 --> 01:19:37,947
"You better call and tell her
you're not coming.
1788
01:19:38,052 --> 01:19:39,612
"Whoa-whoa-whoa.
You can't use my phone.
1789
01:19:39,688 --> 01:19:41,458
"I don't know.
You better lift up the window
1790
01:19:41,556 --> 01:19:43,286
"and scream your
motherfucking head off.
1791
01:19:43,391 --> 01:19:45,191
"But you're not going...
I don't give...
1792
01:19:45,293 --> 01:19:47,433
"You're not going no place.
You're not going no place.
1793
01:19:47,528 --> 01:19:49,028
"No. 'Cause I know
you wanna leave.
1794
01:19:49,130 --> 01:19:50,670
"That's why.
I know you wanna leave.
1795
01:19:50,765 --> 01:19:52,125
I know you wanna leave."
1796
01:19:52,233 --> 01:19:54,233
I got one of those fathers
who gets drunk and sings
1797
01:19:54,302 --> 01:19:55,872
old Motown songs to you
in his argument,
1798
01:19:55,970 --> 01:19:58,710
and fucks all up the lyrics
and thinks he's saying it right.
1799
01:19:58,807 --> 01:20:01,477
I know you wanna leave me ♪
1800
01:20:01,583 --> 01:20:06,293
But I refuse to let you go,
Lillian ♪
1801
01:20:06,387 --> 01:20:08,417
Then he fuck up,
think he's saying it right.
1802
01:20:08,522 --> 01:20:13,092
If I have to beg and plead,
do the symphony ♪
1803
01:20:16,598 --> 01:20:19,828
I don't mind, 'cause it means
that much to me ♪
1804
01:20:19,934 --> 01:20:21,304
"You're not going no place."
1805
01:20:21,402 --> 01:20:24,012
"You be right here in this
motherfucker, Lil."
1806
01:20:24,105 --> 01:20:27,635
Watching the ships roll in ♪
1807
01:20:27,742 --> 01:20:31,452
Then you watch them
roll away again ♪
1808
01:20:31,545 --> 01:20:33,775
Lillian ♪
1809
01:20:33,882 --> 01:20:36,722
"'Cause I put the rules up.
Like Diana Ross say,."
1810
01:20:36,818 --> 01:20:40,318
It's my house, I-I live here ♪
1811
01:20:40,421 --> 01:20:42,321
"And she sing in Spanish too,
Lillian..."
1812
01:20:42,423 --> 01:20:46,633
En my casa, I... Yo vivo aqui♪
1813
01:20:49,530 --> 01:20:51,270
"This is my house!
I don't give a fuck!"
1814
01:20:51,365 --> 01:20:53,095
"Do you hear this phone ringing,
Lillian?"
1815
01:20:53,201 --> 01:20:55,171
"I'm going to answer,
'cause I know it's Shirley."
1816
01:20:55,269 --> 01:20:56,809
"I let my phone ring
for a half-hour."
1817
01:20:56,905 --> 01:20:59,335
"And you not supposed to let
a phone ring for a half-hour."
1818
01:20:59,440 --> 01:21:01,458
"You let it ring two
or three times and hang it up."
1819
01:21:01,482 --> 01:21:03,362
"That's a lonely bitch
at the end of that line."
1820
01:21:03,451 --> 01:21:05,121
"I'm going to tell her.
Hello? Shirley?"
1821
01:21:05,219 --> 01:21:07,431
"Bitch, if you ever let my phone
ring like this again..."
1822
01:21:07,455 --> 01:21:09,785
"Shir...? What's wrong...?
Hey, what's wrong with you?"
1823
01:21:09,891 --> 01:21:11,631
"What you crying about?
Eddie, what's...?"
1824
01:21:11,726 --> 01:21:12,966
"Eddie, what's wrong with you?"
1825
01:21:13,061 --> 01:21:16,361
"What? You had a fight?!
Lillian, get my pistol."
1826
01:21:16,464 --> 01:21:18,474
"Who you have a fight with?"
1827
01:21:18,567 --> 01:21:22,067
"What? A disco?
With Deney Terrio?"
1828
01:21:22,170 --> 01:21:24,810
"Fuck you doing
with Deney Terrio?"
1829
01:21:24,906 --> 01:21:28,576
"And Jimmie Walker?
And your lips? And you shot..."
1830
01:21:28,677 --> 01:21:31,177
"What? Lillian, Eddie had
a fight in a disco"
1831
01:21:31,279 --> 01:21:35,079
"with Deney Terrio
and shot Jimmie Walker."
1832
01:21:36,150 --> 01:21:38,650
"He shot him in the lips, Lil."
1833
01:21:38,753 --> 01:21:41,223
"Eddie, why'd you shoot
Jimmie Walker in his lips?"
1834
01:21:41,322 --> 01:21:43,862
"I like Good Times."
1835
01:21:43,958 --> 01:21:45,628
"Oh, you took a shot
in your lips?"
1836
01:21:45,727 --> 01:21:48,197
"And you look
like Jimmie Walker?"
1837
01:21:48,296 --> 01:21:50,056
"Oh, that'd do it."
1838
01:21:50,164 --> 01:21:51,874
"Who punched you in the lips?"
1839
01:21:51,966 --> 01:21:53,066
"Italian? For what?"
1840
01:21:53,167 --> 01:21:54,537
"What you mean 'nothing'?"
1841
01:21:54,636 --> 01:21:56,606
"Nobody get punched for nothing.
What'd you do?"
1842
01:21:56,705 --> 01:21:58,365
"Eddie, shh.
Don't tell me'nothing'."
1843
01:21:58,472 --> 01:22:00,252
"You had to do something."
1844
01:22:00,348 --> 01:22:02,218
"What did you do?
No, don't tell me 'nothing'."
1845
01:22:02,316 --> 01:22:04,386
"Nobody gets punched
for nothing. What...? Eddie..."
1846
01:22:04,485 --> 01:22:05,985
"No, don't say 'nothing'. Eddie."
1847
01:22:06,087 --> 01:22:09,817
Nothing from nothing
leaves nothing ♪
1848
01:22:09,924 --> 01:22:11,194
Had to do something ♪
1849
01:22:11,292 --> 01:22:15,302
Motherfucker punched you
in the mouth ♪
1850
01:22:15,396 --> 01:22:18,226
"Now, what did you do? What?"
1851
01:22:18,332 --> 01:22:20,642
"Eddie. No... Eddie,
then it's something that you did"
1852
01:22:20,735 --> 01:22:22,265
"a long time ago."
1853
01:22:22,370 --> 01:22:24,670
"Didn't I always tell you,
you reap what you sow? Yes."
1854
01:22:24,773 --> 01:22:26,683
"What goes around comes around,
Eddie."
1855
01:22:26,775 --> 01:22:29,335
"Yes, that's why that man punch
you in your mouth tonight,"
1856
01:22:29,443 --> 01:22:31,183
"for something you did
a long time ago."
1857
01:22:31,279 --> 01:22:33,049
"Yes, Eddie.
Well, you give what you get."
1858
01:22:33,147 --> 01:22:34,859
"You get what you give.
That's why that man..."
1859
01:22:34,883 --> 01:22:37,593
"Eddie. Eddie. What do you mean,
you don't remember what you did?"
1860
01:22:37,686 --> 01:22:40,216
"He probably punched you in your
mouth for something you did"
1861
01:22:40,321 --> 01:22:41,591
"when you was living here."
1862
01:22:41,690 --> 01:22:43,390
"I didn't catch everything
that you did."
1863
01:22:43,491 --> 01:22:45,331
"I worked all day,
you played all day, Eddie."
1864
01:22:45,426 --> 01:22:48,256
"Eddie, who broke that lamp
in 1971?"
1865
01:22:48,362 --> 01:22:50,132
"It was you! Yes, it was."
1866
01:22:50,231 --> 01:22:51,876
"That's why that man
kick your ass tonight."
1867
01:22:51,900 --> 01:22:53,870
"If he's still there,
I'd appreciate if you go up"
1868
01:22:53,968 --> 01:22:55,938
"and tell him that your father
says 'Thank you.'"
1869
01:22:56,037 --> 01:22:58,737
"Save me a trip to California.
'Cause you never respect me."
1870
01:22:58,840 --> 01:23:00,840
"You never listen to what
I tell you to do, Eddie."
1871
01:23:00,915 --> 01:23:03,475
"I put rules on the refrigerator
and you never obey my rules."
1872
01:23:03,585 --> 01:23:05,085
"Me and your mother
want respect."
1873
01:23:05,186 --> 01:23:06,316
"You, Charlie and Vernon"
1874
01:23:06,420 --> 01:23:08,060
"could not respect me
and your mother."
1875
01:23:08,156 --> 01:23:09,466
"All we wanted was some respect."
1876
01:23:09,490 --> 01:23:11,360
"All we asked for
was a little respect."
1877
01:23:11,459 --> 01:23:13,904
"How come you can't respect me?
How come you can't respect me?"
1878
01:23:13,928 --> 01:23:16,358
"I'm a man. I want respect.
I want respect, Eddie."
1879
01:23:16,464 --> 01:23:20,434
What we want, baby, you got it ♪
1880
01:23:20,534 --> 01:23:24,144
What we need,
I know you got it ♪
1881
01:23:24,238 --> 01:23:26,038
'Cause all I'm asking ♪
1882
01:23:26,140 --> 01:23:28,310
Is for a little respect,
motherfucker ♪
1883
01:23:28,409 --> 01:23:31,009
When you come on home, baby ♪
1884
01:23:31,112 --> 01:23:32,552
Hold on a minute.
1885
01:23:35,750 --> 01:23:39,420
Ooh, the kiss is
sweeter than honey ♪
1886
01:23:39,520 --> 01:23:42,990
R-E-S-Z-C-P,
find out what you mean to me ♪
1887
01:23:43,091 --> 01:23:45,191
R-E-C-C-T-T-P ♪
1888
01:23:45,293 --> 01:23:47,703
"Motherfucker,
you know how to spell it!"
1889
01:23:50,665 --> 01:23:53,095
"Respect. You never had no
respect for me, Eddie."
1890
01:23:53,201 --> 01:23:55,801
"That's why the man kicked your
ass. And when I was a child,"
1891
01:23:55,904 --> 01:23:58,714
"I respect my parents.
And we didn't have shit. Okay?"
1892
01:23:58,807 --> 01:24:01,017
"I had shit, Eddie. Me and
my brothers and sisters"
1893
01:24:01,115 --> 01:24:02,245
"didn't have shit."
1894
01:24:02,350 --> 01:24:03,990
"I had 11 brothers and sisters,
Eddie."
1895
01:24:04,085 --> 01:24:07,185
"My father made 13 cents a week."
1896
01:24:08,356 --> 01:24:10,186
"He worked at the Coleco
toy factory, Eddie,"
1897
01:24:10,291 --> 01:24:11,791
"and made 13 cents a week."
1898
01:24:11,893 --> 01:24:15,033
"That's not a lot of money
when you have 11 children."
1899
01:24:15,129 --> 01:24:16,569
"We didn't have all
the fancy things"
1900
01:24:16,598 --> 01:24:18,128
"like you, Charlie and Vernon."
1901
01:24:18,232 --> 01:24:20,802
"We didn't have fancy luxuries
like food."
1902
01:24:20,902 --> 01:24:23,472
"What the fuck you going to eat
on 13 cents a week?"
1903
01:24:23,572 --> 01:24:26,112
"We had to eat whatever my
father brought home from work."
1904
01:24:26,207 --> 01:24:27,907
"We ate the toys, Eddie."
1905
01:24:28,009 --> 01:24:30,379
"That's right. We ate the toys
and we never complained,"
1906
01:24:30,478 --> 01:24:32,638
"'cause my mother could cook
her ass off. Yes she can."
1907
01:24:32,681 --> 01:24:34,881
"My mother get some hot sauce
and some salt and pepper,"
1908
01:24:34,983 --> 01:24:37,853
"make a Tonka truck
taste so delicious."
1909
01:24:37,952 --> 01:24:40,292
"The wheels will melt
in your mouth, Eddie."
1910
01:24:40,388 --> 01:24:42,388
"And you appreciate it.
You never complained."
1911
01:24:42,490 --> 01:24:44,030
"It was all for one
and one for all."
1912
01:24:44,125 --> 01:24:45,325
"We always stuck together."
1913
01:24:45,426 --> 01:24:47,196
"I only hurt my brothers
and sisters once."
1914
01:24:47,295 --> 01:24:49,255
"I came home from school
and my mother had made"
1915
01:24:49,363 --> 01:24:50,733
"a birthday feast for my father."
1916
01:24:50,832 --> 01:24:53,072
"She had cooked and slaved
over the stove all day"
1917
01:24:53,167 --> 01:24:55,537
"and made enough food
for 13 people to feast on"
1918
01:24:55,637 --> 01:24:57,307
"for my father for his birthday"
1919
01:24:57,405 --> 01:24:59,505
"and I sat down and ate it
all by myself."
1920
01:24:59,608 --> 01:25:00,825
"I ate it all, Eddie, by myself."
1921
01:25:00,849 --> 01:25:02,519
"And my father
came inside the kitchen,"
1922
01:25:02,617 --> 01:25:04,087
"put his little birthday hat on"
1923
01:25:04,185 --> 01:25:06,515
"and I'll never forget,
he looked at all the children,"
1924
01:25:06,621 --> 01:25:08,161
"he had a tear in his eye
and he said,"
1925
01:25:08,256 --> 01:25:09,786
'Which one of you kids sat down
1926
01:25:09,891 --> 01:25:12,861
and ate a whole fucking game
of Monopoly by yourself?'
1927
01:25:13,928 --> 01:25:15,458
"And I ate it all, Eddie!
1928
01:25:15,564 --> 01:25:17,974
"Boardwalk, Park Place,
Illinois Avenue,
1929
01:25:18,066 --> 01:25:21,496
"the shoe, the boat,
the hat, the cannon,
1930
01:25:21,603 --> 01:25:23,943
"Connecticut Avenue, Luxury Tax.
1931
01:25:24,038 --> 01:25:25,368
"Eddie, I even ate those cheap
1932
01:25:25,473 --> 01:25:27,513
"purple motherfuckers
after 'Go'...
1933
01:25:27,609 --> 01:25:29,209
"that nobody buys. I ate them.
1934
01:25:29,310 --> 01:25:31,210
"I ate Baltic and Ralph Avenue.
Yes, I did.
1935
01:25:31,312 --> 01:25:33,852
"I did, and I sat down and ate
my father's birthday cake too.
1936
01:25:33,948 --> 01:25:35,878
"No, it wasn't a cake.
We couldn't afford a cake.
1937
01:25:35,984 --> 01:25:37,954
"It was two Etch-A-Sketches
on top of each other.
1938
01:25:38,052 --> 01:25:40,592
"Two Etch-A-Sketch... A Etch-
A-Sketch cake. That's right."
1939
01:25:40,689 --> 01:25:42,889
"We couldn't afford no icing,
so my mother would write."
1940
01:25:42,924 --> 01:25:45,394
"'Happy Birthday Pop' on the
front of the Etch-A-Sketch."
1941
01:25:45,493 --> 01:25:46,763
"Know how you made a wish?"
1942
01:25:46,861 --> 01:25:48,601
"You shook it
till the words disappeared,"
1943
01:25:48,697 --> 01:25:50,397
"then you ate the Etch-A-Sketch,
Eddie."
1944
01:25:50,498 --> 01:25:51,968
"And that was
your birthday cake."
1945
01:25:52,066 --> 01:25:53,566
"And we never complained, Eddie."
1946
01:25:53,668 --> 01:25:55,846
"We were happy to get that.
All for one and one for all."
1947
01:25:55,870 --> 01:25:58,140
"We would get dressed
to go to school in the morning."
1948
01:25:58,239 --> 01:25:59,617
"Let me tell you
about our clothes."
1949
01:25:59,641 --> 01:26:01,121
"We had to wear whatever
my father"
1950
01:26:01,215 --> 01:26:02,495
"brought home from work, Eddie."
1951
01:26:02,550 --> 01:26:03,690
"We wore the toys!"
1952
01:26:03,785 --> 01:26:05,215
"Each day my mother
would wake up"
1953
01:26:05,319 --> 01:26:06,719
"and open 11 Twister games,
Eddie."
1954
01:26:06,821 --> 01:26:08,821
"And she would roll
the Twister mats on the floor."
1955
01:26:08,890 --> 01:26:10,590
"Me and my 11 brothers
and sisters"
1956
01:26:10,692 --> 01:26:12,973
"would wrap the Twister mats
around our body like a suit."
1957
01:26:13,027 --> 01:26:14,727
"And then we'd get
a Hot Wheels racetrack"
1958
01:26:14,829 --> 01:26:16,749
"and put that around our waist
as a belt, Eddie."
1959
01:26:16,831 --> 01:26:19,301
"And if there was no Hot Wheels,
we used Johnny Lightning."
1960
01:26:19,400 --> 01:26:20,920
"And if there was
no Johnny Lightning,"
1961
01:26:21,002 --> 01:26:23,342
"we ripped up a Hula Hoop
and put that around our waist."
1962
01:26:23,437 --> 01:26:24,849
"Other children would
make fun of us"
1963
01:26:24,873 --> 01:26:26,473
"because we got on
Twister suits."
1964
01:26:26,575 --> 01:26:28,786
"And it's no fun to get your ass
kicked in a Twister mat."
1965
01:26:28,810 --> 01:26:30,540
"Right foot, blue.
Left hand, red, Eddie."
1966
01:26:30,645 --> 01:26:32,175
"It was a goddamn game
to these kids."
1967
01:26:32,280 --> 01:26:33,510
"I'm standing on the corner,"
1968
01:26:33,615 --> 01:26:35,315
"a motherfucker is spinning
the spinner"
1969
01:26:35,416 --> 01:26:36,526
"and kicking my ass, Eddie."
1970
01:26:36,550 --> 01:26:37,850
"Then I gotta go to school"
1971
01:26:37,952 --> 01:26:39,792
"and watch the other children
eat real food."
1972
01:26:39,888 --> 01:26:41,818
"I gotta watch them eat
peanut butter and jelly,"
1973
01:26:41,923 --> 01:26:43,463
"bologna and Swiss,
ham and cheese."
1974
01:26:43,558 --> 01:26:45,188
"I got a goddamn
Silly Putty sandwich."
1975
01:26:45,293 --> 01:26:46,603
"Then, for dessert,"
1976
01:26:46,695 --> 01:26:48,595
"they're going to pull out
a Hostess cupcake"
1977
01:26:48,697 --> 01:26:50,257
"and I gotta eat
a goddamn Slinky?"
1978
01:26:50,364 --> 01:26:53,604
"A Slinky spring?! And, Eddie,
I ate so many Slinkys,"
1979
01:26:53,702 --> 01:26:55,972
"every time I hear
the motherfucking Slinky song,"
1980
01:26:56,070 --> 01:26:57,510
"it make me sick to my stomach."
1981
01:26:57,606 --> 01:26:59,466
They walk downstairs
alone and in pairs ♪
1982
01:26:59,574 --> 01:27:01,084
And make a clinkety sound ♪
1983
01:27:01,182 --> 01:27:03,252
A thing, a thing,
a marvelous thing ♪
1984
01:27:03,351 --> 01:27:04,921
Everyone knows it's Slinky ♪
1985
01:27:05,019 --> 01:27:08,089
A Slinky, a Slinky,
a wonderful, wonderful toy ♪
1986
01:27:08,189 --> 01:27:11,429
A Slinky, a Slinky, they're fun
for a girl and a boy ♪
1987
01:27:11,525 --> 01:27:13,955
Bye-bye, I gotta go. Thank you.
1988
01:27:31,880 --> 01:27:33,450
Raw♪
1989
01:27:51,900 --> 01:27:53,570
Raw♪
1990
01:28:08,189 --> 01:28:09,859
Raw♪
1991
01:28:56,938 --> 01:28:58,738
Raw♪
158837
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