Original subtitles

There's an old saying:

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

It's a fascinating philosophical query, marriage versus sex.

And if you're considering the former...

...odds are you'll hear the saying from a friend...

...who claims to be getting an abundant amount of the latter.

And incidentally, it's bullshit.

Bullshit. You think this is bullshit.

- Yeah. - Well, it isn't.

After five years, I think I have the right to broach the subject.

So you broach and we talk.

You don't have to go and give me an ultimatum.

Don't use that word. I hate that word.

I'm not too fond of it either, but what else would you call this?

A deadline.

So I'm a little indecisive.

That doesn't mean you have to hold a gun to my head.

- Sorry. - Don't be so melodramatic.

That's why I'm taking this transfer.

I'll be 3,000 miles away. I can't hold a gun to your head.

- Stop saying that! - Shit.

Admit it. You're using this transfer thing as an ultim... Deadline.

Okay. So I wouldn't have signed up for it if you hadn't freaked on Tyler's news.

Hello.

David! What's up, what's up?

Tyler, you are wasted. Sarah.

Damn. How'd you know, my brother?

- The faux urban street slang. - Nigger, please!

- What time is it back there, like 2:00? - You know this city never sleeps.

Y'all be counting on your sheep.

Listen, man, I met the most amazing woman.

- She is... - Fly?

Better than fly. She's super fly.

What did I tell you about drinking and dating? Go to bed and sleep her off.

We're getting married!

What?

You got to meet her, you and Sarah. She's like...

- Super fly? - Better than super fly, man.

She's the one.

You know how they say that you can just tell? David?

You still there, bitch?

- Yeah, I'm here. I'm just... - This is it, man. It just hit me.

It was like a blinding realisation. Like pure truth.

Anyway, you and Sarah got to meet her. You're gonna love her. Her name's Julie.

She's sweet, she's beautiful...

...she's "chocolicious"...

Tyler? Hello! Tyler, you okay?

Sounds like true love.

So you are leaving me alone to deal with this for two months.

You need to be alone to deal with this.

Which is why I strongly advise you against consulting with Mike.

Bellissimo. Magnifico.

You are so hot!

You beast.

Is that Ricky Martin over there?

God, no. It's Mike Hanson.

You're beautiful. Modesty, now. Modesty.

I love you. No words.

No, I'm not. Yes, I am. Don't do it. I'm doing it.

Don't do it.

I did it.

I'd do me.

- Oh, man! The "testy" tuck again? - Do you like what you see?

- No? - Would you put on some clothes?

We only got two hours of "Happy Hour" left.

Let me just get my towel, okay?

Got it. There we go.

You got issues, I mean, real issues.

He may be your friend, but he's no Deepak Chopra.

He is also not running off to New York.

Use this time to make an informed decision or none of this'll mean anything.

I can't let this not mean anything.

So you love her, right?

- Of course I love her. - There you go.

Let's not get carried away here, guys.

No one's doubting your love for each other.

A blind man could smell your love.

- But this is a major... - Huge.

No, colossal, thing you're considering here.

As your friend, it's my duty to ask the tough questions.

- What? - Sex.

- Sex is still good? - The sex is awesome.

I've got no complaints about what we have.

It would be a lot easier if I did.

It's got to be something. You waited five years.

- So what is it? - It's nothing. Let's drop it.

We're your friends. We want to help you. But we can't do it unless you let us in!

It's no one thing!

There's a lot of factors in these kind of situations.

- So what is it? Give us one. - Other women, all right?

You've had other women? How many?

I'm not quite sure that I've had enough.

- That's ridiculous. How many is enough? - Twice your age.

It's not about quantity, it's about quality.

What's wrong with going for both quality and quantity?

Being the best he can be, that's the American way.

Foul.

- Foul? - It's foul.

- What foul? - Humping before the shot.

- I was humping you? - Prison-style.

Whatever. If I was humping you, you'd know it.

- Would I? - Yeah, you'd know it.

You'd feel it. I wasn't humping you.

- Deep, right? - Yep.

A little help?

The thing is, I never expected to feel empowered.

For better, for worse, something is set into motion...

...and I set it off. Am I a manipulative bitch or what?

Welcome to my world.

You should feel empowered. It wasn't easy, but it had to be done.

What was the alternative, to keep waiting?

It's not like the sex gets better with every passing year. Am I right?

I'm sorry that was so quick. I'm kind of beat.

That's okay. Orgasms are overrated anyway.

Hey, South Park is on.

You had the courage to look him in the eye and say:

"Buddy boy, it's time to shit or get off the pot."

And marrying me would be the "shit" part of that colourful analogy?

Thanks.

I'm sorry, I don't get it. Sarah is hot.

Behind every good-looking chick is a guy who's tired of nailing her.

- Am I right, Davey? - No, you're wrong, asshole.

So who's missing from your repertoire: Cowgirls, wilder chicks, the Amish, what?

It's not like that. Let's just drop it, all right?

- Do you guys believe in "the one"? - As in one soul mate?

The perfect match that completes us, makes us whole?

- Exactly. - Hell, no.

I don't know. But if there's such a thing and Sarah's it...

...then that means it's inevitable. It's a lock, right? It's like destiny.

I guess so.

Okay. So, if it's inevitable, why rush into it?

- You're still not telling us everything. - Of course, I'm not. You're my friends.

- It's stupid, it's stupid. - Come on, help us help you.

Please, man.

Okay. I'm going to tell you guys a little story.

I have never told anyone this before. Ever.

When I was 18 years old...

...my family and I were flying home...

...from a vacation we took in the Caribbean. It was a fun time.

Very nice beaches. Club Med.

We were in line to get on board...

...when I happened to glance over to the gate across from us...

...and that's when I saw her.

She glowed. It was like a light all around her.

It was blinding.

I swear I have never felt anything that powerful before or since.

Something about her sucked me away from the plane...

...and drew me right back to her.

There she was.

With strength I wish I still possessed...

...I floated towards her.

I introduced myself and told her how I felt.

I gave her my address...

...and told her if she felt it too, she should write.

Young blood had him some balls.

I had no choice. I was being driven by a higher power.

Call it "the lightning bolt," call it a connection, destiny, whatever.

- So did she write you? - Not at first.

Every day I'd check that mailbox.

I checked all that summer, and nothing.

Then one day, it came.

It was more than I could've hoped for. She professed her love to me.

She said that she, too, got a jolt down her spine...

...that glorious day we first met.

It was more beautiful and poetic than she was...

...which I didn't think was possible at the time.

I immediately wrote her back.

I told her that I wanted us to run away together...

...make love under the stars. Make babies.

It was clear to both of us.

We belonged together.

No fear, no doubt.

- Perfect. - Young love.

Too young. As it turned out.

Apparently she was an amazingly...

...hyper-developed 11-year-old girl.

- What? - Eleven?

Her parents found my letters and...

...quite understandably freaked out.

They contacted our local authorities...

...who swiftly moved in to stop the town's budding paedophile.

They made my father promise that his sicko son...

...would cease contact with any more little girls.

They left him to scream at me for over an hour about...

...how I could flush any chances of a political career down the toilet.

- That's a fucked up story, man. - You're the only people I've ever told.

Can you keep it that way? It makes you seem kind of creepy.

David Collins Graphics.

- Hey. - Sarah, hey, how are you?

I just thought I'd call and see how you were.

I'm fine. How are you? How's New York?

Busy. But the city is so incredible. I wish you were here with me. Oops, shit.

"Oops, shit," what? Why "Oops, shit"?

I made a list of all the things I wasn't going to...

...say to you like, "I miss you. I wish you were here."

So how are you?

Miss you. Wish you were here, all that.

I talked to Tyler.

He and I are going to try to get together for dinner.

So maybe I'll get to meet the fiancee.

Great. Be sure and thank them for ruining my life.

Listen, I just wanted to let you know that I made it here okay.

Oh. Is that it?

Well, I got to get back to work. So I should go.

Yeah, me, too.

Okay. 'Bye, David.

I'm just saying, it's been a week and a half now...

...and all you've done is sit around the apartment. It's no good.

She wants me to give the situation serious thought...

...that's exactly what I'm trying to do. Finish it, Tiny!

And how's that working out so far? Been doing a lot of thinking?

No! You are useless!

- What was that? He can't do that. - Actually, I think he can.

She wants me to make an informed decision...

...and I'm gonna respect that.

No, what she wants is for you to wallow around your apartment...

...like some socially-retarded hermit. Ante up. Who do you like?

- Give me $5 on Super Thong. - I'm gonna take the one with the nice rack.

She is banking on your misery, bro, hoping you'll sit around bumming out.

That's got to hurt.

And that, my friend, is how you make an uninformed decision.

You want to make a truly informed decision?

Get off your ass and go see what it's like out there.

Get in the game.

The game? I.e. Hitting the meat market clubs with you.

No. Hitting them with me and Jonesy.

There are some major fundamental problems I have with...

..."Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" conundrum.

For one thing, women are not cows.

And by that I mean, not so generic.

I think most reasonable people would agree...

...that a cow is a cow is a cow. This is not true of women.

Things might be simpler if it were.

- Yo, Mike! - Excuse me.

Scotch.

- It's packed. - Yeah, busy.

- Thank you. - Excuse me.

You might have offered to help me.

If you please? A beer for my friend?

Thank you. I'm sorry to do this to you, but I got to go.

- Hey, asshole, what is your problem? - You shouldn't drink anymore.

- Why shouldn't I? I just got here. - Because you're driving me home.

- Oh, God. - Oh, God.

- Hey. - Buy you a drink?

- Actually, I'm think I'm gonna leave. - You aren't married, are you?

- Not yet. You better hurry, though. - Another round.

- Did Mikey show? - Yes.

Cute. How'd he play?

Actually, I think he used the "You're less than nothing to me" strategy.

It never fails, man.

- You miss her, huh? - Are you kidding?

Surrounded by all these available women? More than ever.

I know the feeling, only worse.

Imagine feeling like that in this place without having anybody to miss.

How you doing?

You ready to go?

Okay, so you had a close encounter with something.

You saw the light in the airport.

And 10 years later, it's still messing with your head.

It was important. It set the bar for me on some level.

Is that so bad?

It's bad if it keeps you from hooking up with a woman...

...who's attractive, smart, and of legal, consenting age.

What if she's still out there? Don't I owe it to myself...

...to try and find her?

You're hunting Sasquatch.

- See. There she is. - The shadow lady?

She's a Sasquatch?

She's a myth. The perfect woman.

A figment of our dumb-ass male imagination.

Slap a face on the shadow bitch, and she ceases to be perfect...

...because she becomes real.

- So what exactly is all this crap? - It's market research.

Insurance for the creatives who came up with this shitty campaign.

If I can coerce a focus group...

...to say that a picture of an anorexic model...

...bottle-feeding two large men in diapers...

...makes them want to buy a pair of jeans, then I've done my job.

That is a twisted way to make a living.

I know. But at least it's the fashion biz, right?

So why don't you just move here?

- I don't know. Maybe I will. - Who is that?

- It's Mr. Hahn. My boss. - And you get paid?

Look at it mathematically.

If just one person hooks up with somebody who isn't their soul mate...

...you got a chain reaction that screws it up for everybody on the planet.

Your soul mate ends up with someone else's who settles for someone else's...

Which makes it all the more important to find the right person.

It's a glass-half-empty, glass-half-full scenario.

If you ask me, the glass is half full of crap.

You sure you don't want any late night eats?

No. I'm out of here. Take care, man.

- You got a problem? - How's the chili?

I'd give my right arm for a bowl.

I'll hand that... I'll have that.

Oh, my God. My God, that was the glow.

That was the feeling you got in the airport. It's happening again.

I'm gonna do this. Can you do this?

You've done it before, you can do it again. Go!

I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. Can you? Can you?

Don't let her get away.

- Where did she go? Where did that girl go? - What's your problem?

She left, crap sack.

Creep.

Wait up! Stop! Stop!

Stop! Wait up! Don't go! Don't!

Quick Match Personals. May I help you?

I'd like to place a personal ad.

I'm sorry, can you please speak up?

A personal ad. I want to place a personal...

Hello. Is anyone there?

Hello?

I'm sorry. I dropped the phone. I'm here. This is my first time.

Okay. Here goes.

Wanted...

...soul mate.

Potential soul mate looking for his soul mate.

You, soul-mate material.

Me, open, intelligent, and...

Soul-matey?

Yes.

Who's dead? Somebody better be dead.

Hey, Tyler, it's Mikey. Did I wake you?

What time is it?

It's 1:00 in the morning, 4:00 to you. Sorry, man.

What's wrong? What happened?

- Nothing. I just wanted to talk. - At 4:00 in the morning?

It's cheaper.

Listen, Ty, how'd you do it?

- How'd I do what? - How did you, you know...

How did you find somebody who made the cut?

I don't know. It was just this feeling that hit me.

Like a blinding realisation, like pure truth.

- Mikey, what is this all about? - Nothing.

Nothing. Forget it. Congratulations.

- Mike? - Yeah?

Pull this shit again, you don't get to be my best man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Always a best man, never a man.

Oh, my God, this is so exciting.

I think I just met Naomi Campbell's hair person.

So, anything I should be doing?

This is the glamorous world of Market Research.

We just sit around until somebody wonders.

Why are those men wearing diapers?

I guess I can answer that question for you, sir.

- You can answer that? - Yes.

We did research in the Midwest which indicated...

...that our target market was getting younger and younger...

...as you can see.

Our focus groups taught us that it'd be wise to do a preemptive strike...

...and showcase young imagery in our new campaigns.

I see and this explains why I'm spending $2 million...

...putting grown men in Huggies. You realise if I did this in my basement...

...and post them on the internet, I'd be arrested.

Also save a lot of money.

What are you doing for lunch?

I'm sorry Julie couldn't make it tonight. She really does want to meet you.

- Me, too. - Yeah.

But at least now you can tell me how all of this happened.

- You used to refer to marriage as... - I know, cruel and unusual punishment.

- It's her. She just hit me like a truck. - But you were ready for it, right?

- You were wandering around in traffic? - Yeah, I guess it was in traffic.

I mean, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anybody. Right?

Anybody who isn't Mike, of course.

I actually got a strange call from Mike the other day.

I think he seemed genuinely concerned not to have somebody in his life.

Mike, in a relationship?

Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?

Nostradamus actually predicted it.

He said, in the latter part of the twentieth century...

..."the lone cock would crow no more."

That's scary.

Why do you think David's so reluctant to take the next step with me?

Oh, David.

I was playing the field, and I got burned out on it.

David hasn't exactly been out playing the field.

- He's been playing house with me. - A fun game.

So let me get this straight.

By working in a relationship with this guy for the past five years...

...I have actually undermined any possibility of a future with him?

Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.

David's a really sharp guy...

...and I think he'll probably come to his senses.

- I mean, you're all he wants. - I'm all he knows.

That can work.

David, it's me. It's late and you're not home.

That's good. I hope you're out having fun.

I know this sounds weird...

...but if you need to see other women to figure this out...

...I can handle it.

Maybe it's being here on my own or from asking you for a decision.

I've gained a new perspective on things.

I think it's important for us to explore whatever options we need to.

So, if that's part of it for you just know that I understand.

I know what you mean. She second-guessed our move.

She's even more cunning than I thought. She's good.

You're lucky I'm on board.

It's not like her. Why would she say it's okay to go out with other women?

Why indeed?

Shouldn't you be out there playing wingman for Jonesy?

Oh, please.

I never realised you were so picky.

You think I'm one of these assy scam hounds?

I have very particular tastes.

A strict list of qualities I look for in a woman.

I'm not just fucking around out here. What?

Seriously, all this play I get?

I'm not wasting my time. It's practice.

- It's practice for the big game. - Maybe it's not a game.

You've been off the circuit too long. Of course, it's a game.

It's better than a game, it's a sport.

It's better than a sport, even. It's sport fishing.

Case in point.

Look at him. See those chicks he's wasting it on.

Hi, ladies! Those are bass.

And we all go bass fishing from time to time.

Hell, you can get really good at it with practice.

But while he's spending all his time hooking up with bottom feeders...

...the crucial skills he'll need to hook his wife are atrophying.

You see, scamming is like fishing.

If your dream girl were a fish, what would she be?

- I don't know, a tuna? - Yeah! No.

A marlin.

A big trophy fish.

To catch a marlin, you must use entirely different skills.

You don't go out marlin fishing with a sorry-ass fold-out pole, six-pound test.

That'll do for bass.

But it sure as shit isn't gonna land a marlin.

You have to up your game. Know where the elusive beauties lie.

You gotta know where to fish. They're rare, brother. They're rare.

Most days you don't catch shit. But when you do...

Wham!

The two of you are back at the dock taking pictures.

Okay, another huge flaw I have...

...with "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"...

...is simply this. Milk is not free.

The point is, if you're hankering for some milk...

...one way or another, you're gonna have to pay for it!

You digging this, Davey? I told you I'd make it up to you.

Please point out which of these lovely young ladies is a marlin.

We're done fishing for the day.

We're at the aquarium now, checking out the exotic fishies.

Look, Davey. They even got one of those petting tanks.

Oh, my God.

I have already told him all about you, and his friend is totally hot.

Sarah, come on. You have got to get my back.

I have been after this guy for almost a week.

They're gonna be here in an hour. So, come on, just get my back.

I have to go. I'll do what I can. 'Bye.

- Hi. - Hey.

Have you given any thought to our conversation the other day?

It's all I've been thinking about.

But the problem is, I'm involved with someone back in LA.

But I'm not sure what's happening with us.

I just need a little more time to figure it out. Is that okay?

Of course. Just don't take too long.

Gosh, a dollar.

Now I can quit stripping, go back to vet school...

...and save my sick pony.

Thanks, Mike. You're a prince.

- Amy! - David, you know her!

Holy shit! It is Amy.

Give me a sec. I have to make one last go-around.

You guys know her?

From school. I can't believe this is happening.

- I can't believe this is happening. - She looks great.

- She definitely lost that "Freshman 15." - She looks hot. Damn!

Hey, you guys. How are you two?

- You work here? This is awesome. - No, Mike, I'm just hanging.

- This is such a surprise. - Yeah. You look good, David.

Amy, this is Jonesy. Jonesy, this is Amy.

- How you doing? - Pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is all mine.

Why don't you turn it down a notch? You're channelling Barry White again.

Was she this hot when you two were dating?

- He went out with a stripper? - Yeah.

Actually, no. I was just a freshman back then...

...studying to be a stripper.

David helped me bone up on my pole-dancing exam.

Can I buy you a drink for old times' sake?

- Yeah. - Come on.

They're going to do it.

I often wonder how long we would've lasted if I hadn't broken up with you.

Two and a half days. I was gonna dump you right after my last final.

I didn't have the time to get into a big emotional thing with you.

- I had to study. - What a relief.

This whole time, I thought I broke your heart.

Give me a break. We weren't in love or anything. We were just having fun.

- There were no expectations back then. - Give me a hand with this.

I mean, when did that change?

It didn't. You did.

It only seems different now because you outgrew it.

- I don't know. - I do.

Look at your dick-with-ears friend there.

Do you think that Amy chick would take the bid?

- I thought that was Dave's old flame. - Key word: "was."

Damn it! I bet I could have had her.

When she was going out with your best friend.

Yeah, that would have been real cool.

You bet.

Although, I'm sure she wasn't as hot then.

- You look unbelievable. - Thanks.

When did it get so difficult to figure out what I want?

If you're like most people, darlin'...

...right around the time you found something worth wanting.

Hand me that dildo, will you?

She circled my ad.

She circled my ad!

Quick Match mailbox number 247.

You have 32 messages.

To play unheard messages, press three.

To delete messages, press two.

Hola, soul mate. I have searched for you for a long time.

I think we should get together.

I have dark hair, dark eyes and a nipple key ring.

I'm a maid, so I have lots of keys.

Your ad intrigued me, soul mate.

A little about myself: I love dressing up and getting down.

I'm a walking contradiction...

...open-minded, yet lactose intolerant.

And I yearn for someone who enjoys big surprises.

Call me.

If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

Hello, David. I've been waiting for your call...

...ever since I saw you in that Mexican restaurant.

I've fantasised about us.

- Our bodies entwined and covered in salsa. - Salsa!

We're destined to be together, David.

- It's just like... - Chips and salsa.

That's right.

And now... That's my other line. Hold on.

- Hello. - David, it's Mike. You there? Pick up.

Come on, pick up, David. This is important.

- Mike. - David, it's happened to me.

Congratulations. Look, I'm really not feeling very...

No! Listen, David.

I'm lying naked, in a strange bed...

...staring at the most beautiful woman...

...I have ever seen in my entire life.

Tell her I said, "Hi." I've really got to go now.

She's not here. I'm looking at her picture, okay?

Damn marlin jumped right into my boat, caught me unawares.

What are you talking about?

That whole after-hours rave? Complete blank.

The last solid memory I have was drinking some green, glowy shit...

...from a test tube and dancing like a bastard.

- But, David... - What?

Something magical happened in this room last night.

Something...

...bigger than sex.

- Although sex was definitely a factor. - But you don't remember.

No. Last night's a total blur. But listen to me.

I woke up this morning and I've got...

...the feeling. - Is it a burning sensation?

No, David. The feeling...

...when you just know the pure, blinding truth stuff.

I've met her, David.

For the first time in my life, I think I'm in love. Me.

Shit. Here she comes. Moment of truth. 'Bye.

Good morning, sunshine!

Is that for me?

Whoops. You've been, deflowered.

I can't believe you're even up after that performance last night.

In my book, you deserve to sleep for a week.

Hungover and clumsy.

I'll take care of that. You just save your strength.

- The bathroom? - What?

- The bathroom. I don't feel too well. - It's right around the corner, lover.

You pretty boys are all the same. Strong stamina and weak stomachs.

It's right there.

You okay in there?

This isn't happening.

- Michael? - Just a sec!

Laura was pretty impressed with you last night...

...even before you two started waking the neighbourhood.

I'm into chicks. I love chicks.

Breasts, legs, long hair.

And breasts.

I've never seen her make breakfast for herself.

And we've been roommates for three years.

Laura ran to the store to get you some B12...

...and she should be back soon.

Dad. Sit down.

I'm gay.

No! Or I was fucked up or experimenting.

You know, like Mom's college years.

Oh, God, it is genetic.

Michael, I'll be out on the deck, okay?

When you're done, let's talk.

After what happened last night...

...it would mean a lot to me if we got to know each other better.

Yeah! You bet! I'll be right out!

Jumpy little breeder.

Shit!

Stop it! You're scalding me!

Wow! That was just like Spiderman!

Actually, kid, I am Spiderman...

...and I lost my costume. I need your shirt.

Sure, Spidey.

- This is so cool. - Yeah.

I'll give you a little hand here.

Billy! Get away from that man!

No, no, no. Sir, I can explain. No, it's not this.

Sir!

Sick son of a...

No, no.

Daddy, no. Don't shoot Spidey. He's my special friend.

Billy! Stop, drop and roll!

Don't do it!

Run, Spidey, run!

Okay, dog, it's Snausage time.

This country has just gone to shit.

Damn. Look at that little sodomite go.

Nice work, Laura. Another asshole.

Hello, is Susan there?

Hi, Susan. My name is David. You answered my personal ad a couple...

Yeah, that's the one. That's me.

Hi, how are you? Nice to talk to you. Listen...

...I think we should probably get together sometime soon.

Hi, Cynthia. How are you? David. That's right. Soul mate guy.

What do you say, Papa Shan, 5:00, Tuesday?

All right. We'll see you then. Going to hell.

Hi, Kathleen. I got it. Tuesday, Papa Shan.

Tuesday, Papa Shan, 5:00?

I don't know. Papa Shan, 5:00, Tuesday?

Hi. Excuse me. You aren't David by any chance, are you?

No. No. Sorry.

I'm going straight to hell for this.

- David? - It's Ralph.

Close enough.

Sorry, I'm meeting someone.

I have to get out of here.

- Hi, David. - Nicole, what are you doing in LA?

I'm in town for my cousin's bar mitzvah. What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

This place is such a meat market. It's a total singles scene.

- Did you just call him David? - Yeah. That is his name.

It's my nickname. My close friends call me that.

- David, what are you talking about? - Who the hell has David for a nickname?

I do. It's short for Davidian. Branch Davidian.

- Are you here to meet a David, too? - Yeah. Who are you?

Did you answer an ad in Quick Match Personals?

- David, do you know these women? - You son of a...

Soul mate, my ass!

Stop it, please!

Excuse me, I'm supposed to meet someone here named...

Some shit monkey invited four women from the same dating service!

Why? Why?

Look, just get down here, all right?

And send ambulances, lots of them.

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I've been a bad boy! I'm sorry!

How does it look? Is it bad?

No. You're good. So, we're about the same age.

Tell me, how does one develop such intense hatred for women...

...in a short amount of time?

Publicly humiliating four women you've never met before?

I thought maybe I had met one of them before.

I was wrong.

Go ahead, call Sarah. Rat my miserable ass out.

Forget it.

I'd lash out at an entire gender too if I had your problems.

It must be tough.

You're the last person I would have expected sympathy from on all this.

It can't be easy. Especially now.

What do you mean, now?

Maybe you'd better call her.

Sarah, pick up the damn...

- Hello. - Hello, Sarah?

This is Amber. I work with Sarah. Can I take a message?

I need to know where she is.

She left a little early today. Had a dinner engagement.

An appointment.

- With who? - Who is this?

This is her boyfriend, David.

I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

She does.

Listen, I'm sorry. I really don't know who you are...

...but I'd appreciate it if you told me who she was...

She's out with Andrew. Mr. Hahn.

- Mr. Hung? - Yeah, the big guy.

Are you sure you're her boyfriend?

I mean, she knows that you're her boyfriend and everything right?

So how long have you been married?

- Seven years. - Must be nice to have that kind of security.

I'm the poster boy for happily married.

But security, that's a rare thing these days...

...especially in marriage.

That's a sombre outlook for the happily-married, poster boy.

Fifty percent divorce rate in the US.

The only security you have in this world is yourself.

The point I'm making, Sarah, is your talent is yours alone.

And you do have talent, Sarah. Your designs are amazing.

Only you can decide what you want to do with that talent.

- I just wish it were simpler. - Simpler?

I'm offering you a job in New York doing what you love doing.

I know. And it's a dream come true.

Dreams don't come true very often.

Maybe it's not supposed to be simple.

Bellissimo. Magnifico.

Mike, it's me. Where you been, man?

I haven't heard from you since you met your true love.

I've really got to talk to you.

So why don't you just pick up the phone and give me a call between orgasms, okay?

From the makers of the hit videos, Are You Gay?

...and So You Think You're Gay...

...United Homosexual Headquarters presents...

...Just How Gay Are You?

Hello. I'm Tim Chadway...

...President of United Homosexual Headquarters.

My buddies call me Timbo.

You know, like millions of Americans...

...you're probably wondering just how gay are you?

That's an important question.

But, come on, the answer is pretty obvious, isn't it?

Face it, chief.

If you're watching me now, you are pretty damn gay.

But that's okay.

Because, you see, here at the Headquarters...

...we specialise in making your journey out of the closet...

...as smooth as possible.

From our handy Gay Pride Starter Kit...

...to those convenient, "I'm here, I'm queer...

"...stop by sometime for a beer" change-of-sexual-orientation post cards...

...you'll be out and about in no time.

Your family and friends will admire you...

...for your ability to make that transition with style and flair.

- I still can't believe it. - Why don't you just call her?

You don't even know for sure what's going on.

If she wants to talk, she can give me a call.

I'm done sitting around like a sucker.

- You got to stop being hard on yourself. - Mike was right.

If I'm gonna make an informed decision, it's time I started getting busy.

Wait a minute. What's this bar that Mike wants us to meet him at?

"The Cock Pit."

You might want to wait till tomorrow night to start getting busy.

Why is that?

Because tonight, we're drinking in Boys' Town.

A lot of guys claim they practically knew it in the womb.

Like something was wrong...

...they felt different than all the other fetuses.

How did you figure it out?

After a string of girlfriends...

...a couple ex-wives, and a Great Dane or two...

...I started thinking, "Hey, maybe it's me."

- Was that difficult for you? - Sure.

Most terrifying thing that you can do is look inside yourself carefully, honestly.

But you have to do it, Michael.

And when I did, it was a feeling that just hit me.

A blinding realisation like pure truth.

- Mike, what's up? - Guys, hey! Sit down.

- Are you aware that this is a... - A gay bar?

It's okay to say it. And yes, I know.

But I like it, I think.

I'm trying to, anyway. Stanley! A beer for my friends, please.

- I get it. I get it. - You do?

He's trying to go the distance with that chick he met at After Hours.

Right. Avoiding places that tempt you to stray...

...off the gilded path of monogamy.

I can't wait to meet this girl. She must really be something.

She didn't...

...turn out to be the person I thought she was.

- Sorry, man. - I'm sorry. She sounded different.

Let's just drop it, okay?

So what's up with this bar?

This isn't really our kind of place.

What do you mean? It's got beer. It's got bar stools.

- What more do you need, Jonesy? - How about women?

I'm shocked.

I never would have pegged you two as homophobes.

What the hell do you guys have against gay people, anyway?

We've got nothing against gays. Some of my best friends' friends are gay.

That's right.

- Holy shit. - What's that?

The Mikey Chronicles, man. The Sacred Scam Scrolls.

This is the black book?

I want you to have it, David. I don't need it anymore.

Look at all these numbers. What are these little black diamonds?

Stick to the blue squares. I'd hate to see you get hurt.

This is bigger than I thought.

That chick must have really snuck up from behind and nailed you.

David?

You must be Nikki. I hope I'm not too early.

- So you're a friend of Mike's? - Yeah.

David, Mike owes me $200.

Is cash okay?

Hi.

Come on in.

David. What are you doing here?

If you're this upset, then why has it taken you two weeks to call me back?

I've been busy.

Never mind that. Who's this guy?

He's my boss. And all he did was offer me a new position.

What's the matter, our old positions aren't good enough for you anymore?

As a designer.

He wants an answer, but I told him I had to talk to you first.

This is about more than a job offer.

You tell me to explore, to meet other women.

That's got nothing to do with this.

I can't make a decision until I know all the variables...

...one of which is still in your hands.

Great. So now I'm just a variable.

This has just gotten more complicated.

Why don't you just admit it? You love it there.

You don't want to say no to this offer and I'm not going to be a reason you do.

Look, if you already have made up your mind, then say so.

But don't try to hide behind some noble gesture...

...of not holding me back.

Why don't we be fair here?

Things have changed, Sarah. This is no longer just my decision.

You're right, it isn't. And that's why I'm coming home early.

What?

They're paying for me to come home and talk to you.

They really want me, David.

Possibly more than you do.

Oh, shit.

Dave!

What's up, man? De-bachelorising for the little lady.

She gets back today. What's up? You didn't get me a coffee?

I didn't know how you took it.

But here, I grabbed your mail on the way in.

So what's the verdict?

I get to comb the thrift stores for a new, used suit or what?

Not yet. I'm just as confused as ever.

Are you all right?

- Just lock up when you leave. - What?

I wasn't sure if you'd be here.

I'm here. Where else would I be?

- What's this? - I'm going to New York.

What?

- What? - There's somebody I got to see.

- What are you talking about? - Options, remember? Just in case.

You're out of options!

This means staying here or going back. These are your options.

- Sarah. - No, listen.

Listen to me carefully. I flew back here for one reason...

...and that was to give you a chance to talk me out of taking this job.

I can't do that until I do this.

I won't be here when you get back. I swear to God, I won't.

This is it, David.

I know.

There are times in life when you have to make extremely difficult choices.

And there are times when it seems like you don't have a choice at all.

Like those rare moments...

...when your only option practically shows up in your mailbox.

- David! - Tyler.

I'm psyched you're here.

- You look great. - It really means a lot to me.

- So what the hell are you doing here? - I know it's sudden.

I just wanted to see you.

Things are gonna start getting crazy for you and Julie.

And I wanted to see you. Both of you.

I talked to Sarah, you know.

She said that you guys met up when she was in town.

No. I talked to her about three hours ago.

She called, while you were in the air, from LA.

- She's freaking out. - Everything's fine.

I know what you're going through. It's a scary leap.

The trick is you have to let go of your fears...

...and just kind of go for it.

Believe me, the worst thing you can do is lose the right girl...

...because of a fear of commitment.

The worst thing you can do is marry the wrong girl...

...because of a fear of loneliness.

I can't wait for you to meet her. I've told her all about you.

You have?

Yeah. I told her about all you guys. I had to warn her.

Even my name? You didn't mention my name.

No, of course not your name.

We refer to you all by your general nature, like the Indians.

Mike is "Fucks Whatever Moves."

You're "Dances Around Major Life Decisions."

What'd she say, when you mentioned my name?

- What is wrong with you? - I'm sorry.

What would she possibly say about... Oh, there she is.

This is David. David, this is Julie.

So nice to finally meet you. I feel like I already know you.

- I feel the same way. - Isn't she beautiful?

You look like I did first time I laid eyes on her.

I just knew right away.

It hit me like a blinding realisation, like...

Pure truth.

Was he always this sappy?

- Since I met you, baby. - Will you order me a drink?

I'm going to go to the ladies' room. Excuse me.

Now you know, buddy. Now you understand.

That's it. This guy Jeff works at Tyler's firm...

...knew my roommate, and they hooked us up.

End of story.

That's... Wow, what a story.

The important thing is that you ended up together?

Yeah.

I mean, think of all the people you've met in your lives.

All the paths taken, not taken.

You can probably trace back to your very first romantic memory.

- Lf you tried. - Oh, yeah. Fifth grade drama class.

Miss Liska had us lie on the ground and pretend we were driftwood.

And then as she walked around the "beach"...

...she would step over us... - We get it.

That's nice, sweetie.

What about you, Julie?

Oh, no. The airport guy?

The airport guy? What about the airport guy?

- Tell me about this airport guy. - It's okay, honey.

He's a friend.

Okay.

I was travelling with my family once.

We were in an airport...

...and this guy came up to me from out of nowhere.

And he started, saying all these strange things to me...

...about how he felt something when he saw me...

...and he wondered if I felt it, too.

I didn't know what to say, so I just kind of smiled at him.

He gave me his address...

...and asked, if I felt the same I should write him.

And as he walked away, I had this frozen grin on my face.

I didn't want to agitate him or anything.

I was terrified that he was going to hurt me.

Can you believe that? How old were you, honey?

- Eleven. - Eleven years old.

If that son of a bitch were here right now...

But you wrote him!

I mean, did you ever write him?

No. Of course not.

Honey, do you want me to finish the story for you?

- There's more? - Yeah.

No, it's okay. I can do this.

So as soon as the guy was gone I threw the address away.

But what I didn't know at the time was that my little sister Katie...

...who was two years younger than me...

...saw everything.

She wanted to be like me.

She worshipped me and she started writing this creep, as me.

She even sent him my picture.

Then, of course, when he wrote back...

...weird stuff about how he wanted to run away with her...

...and make babies.

Can you imagine that? Make babies?

And this is before the Internet. What a sicko.

- I'm sorry, honey. Are you all right? - But...

...did you ever find out who this guy was?

My parents did.

Sort of.

They overheard Katie bragging to me about her boyfriend.

She had mentioned it before...

...so we just assumed it was this imaginary play friend or something.

But when she started telling me about how he'd promised to run away with her...

...and make love to her...

- Under the stars. ...they stepped in.

She was only nine.

So my dad called the authorities...

...gave them the guy's address...

...and, as was his style, told us to forget the whole thing!

It wasn't until years later...

...that I realized the guy thought he was writing me.

And then I pieced it together, and I remembered the airport incident.

But I never told anyone.

I have to go.

- Are you all right? - Where are you going?

I have to... Thank you for the...

Congratulations with... Good-bye.

I'd seen the light.

It was this glaringly-obvious, blind realisation...

...like pure truth.

And it was not about anyone in particular, but about people in general.

I realised at that moment there is no such thing as "the one."

It's more of a mind-boggling, whole hell of a lot of potential ones.

And while that should be comforting, it was actually pretty terrifying.

We'd all like to kick back and wait for some magical force...

...to show us who we should spend the rest of our lives with.

But the truth is...

...there isn't a lightning bolt to slap you on the ass...

...and tell you to pick this person over all others.

If anything, it's like the rain.

Rain falls all the time.

Sometimes you're prepared for it, sometimes you're not.

Depending where you are when it hits you either get caught or you don't.

In fact, most of us usually try like hell to avoid it.

You might miss the bus. You might catch the bus.

Maybe you remembered your umbrella, maybe you didn't.

No big signs.

Just random, torrential bursts of opportunity.

And that's the most fate can do. The rest is up to us.

And now, by the power vested in me...

...I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

So the eternal bachelor was the first one to go.

I don't think I'll ever understand men.

- You look amazing. - Thanks.

I'm very happy for you. I mean it.

Thanks.

I had a tough time for those first few months.

It was really hard.

But then I had to take Nicole to the emergency room...

...to get her stomach pumped again and there he was.

Our eyes just met...

...and it was like this indescribable feeling like...

I get it. Not that happy yet.

It's terrific you found someone who deserves you.

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss our friendship.

Okay. I think it's time to stir things up on the dance floor.

Join me?

I think I'll pass. I didn't bring any singles with me.

Joke.

Please remember there are impressionable children out there.

- Let's keep it PG-13. - No problem.

Hand me that dildo, will you?

- Amy. - Yeah.

- Haven't seen her since college. - She's great.

- You two... - No. We're just friends.

I saw that goofy-looking bastard that Sarah's with.

That guy, he's like missing a chromosome or something.

- What a freak. - We both know he's an attractive guy.

But, thank you for trying.

I bet he's no brain surgeon.

Shit. Really?

There you are.

Baby, you remember David.

You met him at the restaurant a couple months ago.

Glad you didn't have to rush out early today.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

Thank you. I'm just glad my little sister got to catch the end.

Katie showed up? Honey, that's great.

I didn't think she would make it. What happened?

- Your sister is here? - Yeah.

But she doesn't like weddings. She never got over that airport guy.

- The paedophile, the sicko. - Asshole.

Honey, settle down.

You know I should really introduce you two.

- You would totally hit it off. - What a great idea.

- Why don't you go get her? - No, no. That's not necessary.

- Virgin. Hot. - I think I see her. Stay here.

I'll be right back.

What's the matter? You look like you did the night at the restaurant when you...

I have to go.

...bolted.

- Lightning Taxi. - Hi. I need a cab. Fast.

Ladies and gentlemen at this time, Mike Hanson, the best man...

...would like to make a toast to Julie and Tyler.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Many of you don't know me...

...but I had the pleasure of being...

...Tyler's roommate in our fraternity house at school.

Yeah, you were! Phi Lamb! Who's my boy, Mikey? You're my boy!

And today I have the privilege...

...of being the best man in his wedding.

Suffice it to say, I was shocked to hear that he was getting married.

But over time as I talked to him on the phone...

...I began to understand.

We used to do everything together. We were joined at the hip.

It struck me that what these two people were doing...

...was giving themselves in to...

...a blinding realisation.

Pure truth.

They stood before everyone they knew and confessed their new found selves.

I don't know, but witnessing such strength...

...and courage in my friends...

...inspires me in a way which I can barely put into words.

You see, while many of you don't know me...

...the rest of you only think you do.

The truth is you're about to meet Mike Hanson for the first time.

My name is Mike Hanson...

...and I'm a raging homosexual.

Thank you.

I didn't really know him that well.

And let's give it up to the newlyweds. Congrats, guys.

Hit it.

Why does everybody keep trying to set me up?

They're never him.

Katie, please come out and meet him.

You look amazing.

All right, let's go meet this guy.

Ladies! There you are!

- Katie, I'm so glad that you could make it. - Thank you.

- We have to go. The limo is here. - Wait. Have you seen David?

No. I think he left with Mike and Amy because I haven't seen them, either.

But you know what? We should forget about them.

I'm gonna meet you up front. We really have to go.

- It's okay. You just go. - No. You're coming with us.

No. It's your day. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

- Are you sure? - Positive. Just go, all right?

- Love you. - Love you, too.

So, I don't mean to belittle your big announcement...

...but come on, Mike, you never even worked retail.

It makes sense.

All my life I've treated women like dirt, never letting them get too close...

...just using and cruising.

That doesn't make you a homosexual.

It makes you an asshole.

- Excuse me, are you waiting for someone? - No, I'm not waiting, I'm not waiting.

Wait a minute, that's my cab! That's my...

These insolent swine!

They call you and they tell you to come right away. Big hurry!

And you come, they're not there.

And I feel like... How do you say, "assholes"?

Yeah, I know the feeling.

You know the feeling? Do you know the feeling?

So it was nice wedding, yes?

No, not again!

My God!

No, no. Please get up.

Are you all right?

It's you.

I have been looking everywhere for you.

What took you so long?

I feel all tingly inside.

I know. So do I.

No, in a scary way.

Right. We should get you to a hospital.

What are you doing?

You said you were gay.

Yeah, and your point is?