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1
00:00:03,216 --> 00:00:04,788
I can't believe you like this.
2
00:00:04,821 --> 00:00:07,291
Kiddie Wonderland is pretty
lame for a ninth grader.
3
00:00:07,324 --> 00:00:08,525
Yeah.
4
00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:10,461
I was 5 when I asked you to take me,
5
00:00:10,494 --> 00:00:12,363
and you've been putting
it off ever since.
6
00:00:12,395 --> 00:00:13,930
Still. Pretty lame.
7
00:00:15,198 --> 00:00:16,600
Hmm. Might be work.
8
00:00:16,632 --> 00:00:19,035
You can't take work
calls on father-son day.
9
00:00:19,068 --> 00:00:21,805
Steve, you're forgetting
that work is my other son.
10
00:00:21,838 --> 00:00:24,541
Be a father to your job.
That's an expression.
11
00:00:24,573 --> 00:00:27,276
Yello? In the flesh.
12
00:00:27,309 --> 00:00:28,978
Ex-squeeze me?
13
00:00:29,012 --> 00:00:30,147
Be right there.
14
00:00:33,050 --> 00:00:35,331
I thought you were focusing on me today?
15
00:00:35,431 --> 00:00:38,356
No. "Paw Patrol," my man!
16
00:00:42,815 --> 00:00:45,583
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
17
00:00:45,618 --> 00:00:48,665
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
18
00:00:48,697 --> 00:00:51,801
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
19
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:56,206
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
20
00:00:58,041 --> 00:01:01,477
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
21
00:01:01,510 --> 00:01:03,913
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
22
00:01:03,946 --> 00:01:05,016
Aah!
23
00:01:06,349 --> 00:01:09,653
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
24
00:01:09,686 --> 00:01:11,154
Babe?
25
00:01:11,861 --> 00:01:13,090
Babe!
26
00:01:13,123 --> 00:01:15,591
Now, what is all this commotion?
27
00:01:15,624 --> 00:01:16,927
My head's stuck.
28
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,562
Jeff, on the day of my big cat adoption,
29
00:01:19,596 --> 00:01:21,564
you get your head stuck in the banister?
30
00:01:21,597 --> 00:01:23,499
You're not the only one with plans.
31
00:01:23,532 --> 00:01:26,102
I have a huge prostate exam today.
32
00:01:26,136 --> 00:01:27,204
You do?
33
00:01:27,236 --> 00:01:29,239
Yeah, I've been cramming all week!
34
00:01:30,606 --> 00:01:33,576
This. This is why humans need whiskers.
35
00:01:33,609 --> 00:01:36,546
Whiskers give cats crazy spatial deets.
36
00:01:37,102 --> 00:01:40,783
Cats are like, "Will my head fit?"
37
00:01:40,817 --> 00:01:43,087
Oh, no. Mom!
38
00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:46,090
Now, what is all this commotion?
39
00:01:46,123 --> 00:01:48,758
I'm prepping for my big job interview.
40
00:01:48,791 --> 00:01:51,427
Look what you made me do!
41
00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:53,696
Hey! Banister party.
42
00:01:53,730 --> 00:01:55,431
Why are we doing this?
43
00:01:55,465 --> 00:01:57,300
Klaus, you got to get us out of here.
44
00:01:57,334 --> 00:01:59,068
We all have big plans today.
45
00:01:59,102 --> 00:02:02,139
Hmm, do you now?
46
00:02:02,171 --> 00:02:04,941
I have big plans myself.
47
00:02:04,975 --> 00:02:07,611
I plan on watching you
helpless losers struggle
48
00:02:07,643 --> 00:02:10,446
while I enjoy these Teddy Grahams.
49
00:02:12,615 --> 00:02:15,118
But lucky for you, gracious Klaus
50
00:02:15,151 --> 00:02:17,887
is always ready to strike a deal.
51
00:02:17,921 --> 00:02:20,257
You open these grahams, and I...
52
00:02:20,290 --> 00:02:21,325
Get us out. Deal.
53
00:02:21,357 --> 00:02:22,925
I can't open Tupperware.
54
00:02:22,958 --> 00:02:25,228
How can I free you from a banister?
55
00:02:25,262 --> 00:02:30,267
But I do have a telescoping
driving cane and a Saturn,
56
00:02:30,299 --> 00:02:32,469
so I'll bring your plans to you.
57
00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:33,838
Later, skaters!
58
00:02:38,809 --> 00:02:41,289
So what, I'm supposed
to sit at your desk all day?
59
00:02:41,323 --> 00:02:42,958
You're in an office, dude.
60
00:02:42,990 --> 00:02:45,827
The world is your oyster.
61
00:02:45,860 --> 00:02:48,797
Hey, could you fire off
a couple e-mails, make me look busy?
62
00:02:48,829 --> 00:02:50,198
Okay.
63
00:02:50,232 --> 00:02:52,300
We have orders to eliminate the head
64
00:02:52,334 --> 00:02:54,902
of North Korea's nuclear program.
65
00:02:54,936 --> 00:02:56,872
This is General Kim.
66
00:02:56,905 --> 00:02:59,574
His anti-Western sentiments run deep.
67
00:02:59,608 --> 00:03:02,711
Every year,
our target attends an international
68
00:03:02,744 --> 00:03:05,514
video game tournament in Hong Kong.
69
00:03:05,547 --> 00:03:08,383
He is a massive e-sports fan.
70
00:03:08,417 --> 00:03:10,645
The only time he leaves the security
71
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,021
of his underground bunker is
to attend the final match.
72
00:03:14,055 --> 00:03:17,159
That's kind of a poser move,
just showing up for the finals.
73
00:03:17,192 --> 00:03:19,161
He's a total poser!
74
00:03:19,193 --> 00:03:21,562
That's the main reason
we're killing him!
75
00:03:21,596 --> 00:03:25,067
Plus he wants to nuke
us all to kingdom come.
76
00:03:25,099 --> 00:03:28,002
That's why you're all going undercover.
77
00:03:28,036 --> 00:03:30,339
As what? His five gay dads?
78
00:03:30,371 --> 00:03:32,874
As teenage gamers.
79
00:03:32,907 --> 00:03:35,676
You'll fly to China, as teenagers do.
80
00:03:35,710 --> 00:03:37,045
Then you'll attend the tournament's
81
00:03:37,078 --> 00:03:39,181
opening ice cream social.
82
00:03:39,214 --> 00:03:41,182
Oh, wow! Chinese ice cream?
83
00:03:41,216 --> 00:03:43,685
- Oh, yeah!
- I like this.
84
00:03:43,717 --> 00:03:47,021
I'll allow this murmuring
because Chinese ice cream
85
00:03:47,055 --> 00:03:49,891
is unsurpassed in the world of desserts.
86
00:03:49,924 --> 00:03:52,460
The next step will be to
qualify for the finals.
87
00:03:52,494 --> 00:03:55,431
That's when Smith will
eliminate General Kim.
88
00:03:55,464 --> 00:03:57,065
But none of us play video games.
89
00:03:57,097 --> 00:03:58,299
You do now!
90
00:03:58,333 --> 00:04:01,103
This is the game... "Overwatch."
91
00:04:01,135 --> 00:04:03,104
This is a vape pen.
92
00:04:03,931 --> 00:04:07,309
This is a shitload of mango vape juice.
93
00:04:07,341 --> 00:04:11,346
Master these things,
or the world will end.
94
00:04:12,313 --> 00:04:14,482
My main man, Steve-o.
95
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,486
The boys and I need some help,
and you're just the guy.
96
00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:19,253
Pound it.
97
00:04:19,287 --> 00:04:21,757
I was so bored I slipped
into a meditative state
98
00:04:21,789 --> 00:04:23,325
and had a breakthrough.
99
00:04:23,357 --> 00:04:25,259
I realized your inability
to be present with me
100
00:04:25,292 --> 00:04:27,562
created a nasty cycle that explains
101
00:04:27,595 --> 00:04:29,897
my anxiety, compulsions, guilt.
102
00:04:29,931 --> 00:04:32,067
Virgin, bad at sports, bad style.
103
00:04:32,099 --> 00:04:33,568
Yes, okay, yes.
104
00:04:33,602 --> 00:04:36,572
But a weight has lifted,
and I'm starting fresh.
105
00:04:36,604 --> 00:04:39,974
You live your life. I'll live mine.
106
00:04:40,008 --> 00:04:41,176
Want to play video games with me?
107
00:04:41,208 --> 00:04:43,111
More than anything, Dad!
108
00:04:43,453 --> 00:04:45,646
_
109
00:04:47,308 --> 00:04:49,117
Cats are cute as hell.
110
00:04:49,150 --> 00:04:50,786
If I can have you fill
out an application.
111
00:04:50,818 --> 00:04:53,121
For a cat? I know what I'm doing, girl.
112
00:04:53,154 --> 00:04:54,490
I got damn near 50.
113
00:04:54,522 --> 00:04:55,958
50 cats?
114
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,793
At first, I thought they were Pokémon,
115
00:04:57,825 --> 00:04:59,794
so I captured every one I could find,
116
00:04:59,828 --> 00:05:02,330
but when I forced them into battle,
I was arrested.
117
00:05:02,364 --> 00:05:03,998
In prison, I did nothing but miss
118
00:05:04,032 --> 00:05:06,368
what I now realize were cats.
119
00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:07,400
All aboard!
120
00:05:13,374 --> 00:05:15,776
Good counterattack, Dick.
121
00:05:15,809 --> 00:05:17,545
Nice positioning, Hooper.
122
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:19,013
Dad, heal our tanks!
123
00:05:19,047 --> 00:05:20,081
What the who now?
124
00:05:20,114 --> 00:05:21,717
You don't know the words
"heal" or "tanks"?
125
00:05:21,749 --> 00:05:23,017
I know tanks.
126
00:05:23,051 --> 00:05:24,887
You see me rock tanks all summer long.
127
00:05:24,919 --> 00:05:26,922
Smith, my office!
128
00:05:28,522 --> 00:05:29,624
I'm worried.
129
00:05:29,657 --> 00:05:32,126
The mission requires elite skills,
130
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,462
and you guys are being
powned by every Torb,
131
00:05:34,496 --> 00:05:36,832
Doom, and Hammond
this side of the server.
132
00:05:36,864 --> 00:05:39,567
Are those Puerto Rican slurs?
133
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,669
They're characters in the game!
134
00:05:41,703 --> 00:05:43,839
At this rate, North Korea will teabag
135
00:05:43,871 --> 00:05:45,980
the entire western hemisphere.
136
00:05:46,015 --> 00:05:49,244
- What do you suggest?
- Steve's carrying your whole team.
137
00:05:49,277 --> 00:05:51,079
He's like LeBron James,
138
00:05:51,111 --> 00:05:54,549
the actor who single handedly
saved the movie "Trainwreck."
139
00:05:54,583 --> 00:05:58,220
Make Steve a player/coach
and bring him to China.
140
00:05:58,253 --> 00:05:59,520
I-I can't do that.
141
00:05:59,554 --> 00:06:00,923
He thinks this is father-son time,
142
00:06:00,955 --> 00:06:02,157
and he'll freak out if he finds out
143
00:06:02,189 --> 00:06:03,424
it's actually work again.
144
00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:04,859
Don't tell him.
145
00:06:04,893 --> 00:06:06,494
Keep him in the dark.
146
00:06:06,527 --> 00:06:08,897
Unless you're afraid of the dark.
147
00:06:08,929 --> 00:06:12,266
Actually I'm afraid of the
light because under it,
148
00:06:12,299 --> 00:06:14,502
all of my flaws become visible.
149
00:06:14,535 --> 00:06:16,003
Interesting.
150
00:06:16,037 --> 00:06:17,573
I'm afraid of a woman
151
00:06:17,606 --> 00:06:19,708
named Nancy that lives on my street.
152
00:06:19,741 --> 00:06:22,878
She has a baby carriage full of books,
153
00:06:22,910 --> 00:06:26,047
and I can't figure out why!
154
00:06:29,195 --> 00:06:32,111
Get that shield up, Jackson!
155
00:06:32,144 --> 00:06:33,214
Hold on.
156
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,015
If we're going to pass
as teenage gamers,
157
00:06:35,048 --> 00:06:36,884
I got to learn how to vape.
158
00:06:39,853 --> 00:06:42,288
- Do I look cool?
- Hey, guys.
159
00:06:42,322 --> 00:06:45,158
Let's start up again in 10
to discuss counterattacks.
160
00:06:45,192 --> 00:06:46,894
Steve, what am I doing wrong?
161
00:06:46,927 --> 00:06:48,495
You're splitting focus.
162
00:06:48,528 --> 00:06:50,664
Your character is a powerful healer,
163
00:06:50,697 --> 00:06:52,298
but you're trying to make her a warrior.
164
00:06:52,331 --> 00:06:54,033
It's like when you're
hanging out with me,
165
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:55,235
but your mind's on work.
166
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:58,004
That's being a not so nice papa.
167
00:06:58,038 --> 00:06:59,406
But look at you now.
168
00:06:59,439 --> 00:07:01,375
You're totally focusing on me,
169
00:07:01,408 --> 00:07:04,078
blowing off work and taking me to China.
170
00:07:04,110 --> 00:07:06,012
Yes, that's totally what this is.
171
00:07:06,045 --> 00:07:07,046
Which is great.
172
00:07:07,079 --> 00:07:11,851
So take that focus, huh,
and put it in there.
173
00:07:11,884 --> 00:07:13,086
Ah.
174
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,221
Check it out, boys.
175
00:07:14,254 --> 00:07:15,656
I think I finally got the hang
176
00:07:15,689 --> 00:07:17,491
of this whole vaping thing.
177
00:07:32,958 --> 00:07:34,467
_
178
00:07:35,715 --> 00:07:37,275
_
179
00:07:37,276 --> 00:07:38,611
Good evening, my dude.
180
00:07:38,644 --> 00:07:40,279
I hope we're at the ice cream social
181
00:07:40,312 --> 00:07:43,716
'cause we finna to get our scoop on.
182
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,552
Dab, guys, dab.
183
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,292
Look at all the toppings.
184
00:07:52,324 --> 00:07:54,795
Whoa! There's a guy by the waffle cones
185
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,596
who looks just like Allen Iverson.
186
00:07:57,105 --> 00:07:59,466
That's because I am Allen Iverson.
187
00:07:59,499 --> 00:08:00,508
Why am I here?
188
00:08:00,565 --> 00:08:02,569
If I'm being honest,
it's because the best
189
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:04,904
pound for pound scorer
in basketball history
190
00:08:04,937 --> 00:08:06,473
deserves the best pound
for pound ice cream
191
00:08:06,505 --> 00:08:08,541
on planet Earth.
192
00:08:13,947 --> 00:08:17,651
Well, it's official. That's a butt hole.
193
00:08:17,684 --> 00:08:19,253
O... okay.
194
00:08:19,286 --> 00:08:22,555
Uh, Francine,
where do you see yourself in five years?
195
00:08:22,588 --> 00:08:24,891
Out of this banister.
I can tell you that much.
196
00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:26,160
Dang, Franny!
197
00:08:26,192 --> 00:08:28,261
You're crushing this interview.
198
00:08:29,528 --> 00:08:31,999
I'm gonna need more cats.
199
00:08:32,032 --> 00:08:33,901
Welcome to China!
200
00:08:33,933 --> 00:08:37,437
Home of one big wall,
billions of regular sized walls,
201
00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:40,841
and this year's
"Overwatch" Invitational.
202
00:08:40,874 --> 00:08:42,509
We are underway.
203
00:08:42,542 --> 00:08:44,945
The Americans come out
with three tank heroes,
204
00:08:44,977 --> 00:08:48,347
sacrificing speed for armor.
205
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:52,785
They must be drawing inspiration
from the American Bison,
206
00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:54,636
their bulkiest indigenous mammal.
207
00:08:54,671 --> 00:08:58,458
Watch out! Here comes
a flank from Team Canada!
208
00:08:58,490 --> 00:08:59,592
It's an ambush.
209
00:08:59,625 --> 00:09:00,760
Stan, I need healing.
210
00:09:00,793 --> 00:09:02,028
I'm following Hooper.
211
00:09:02,062 --> 00:09:03,898
I thought I was following you!
212
00:09:05,465 --> 00:09:09,637
The entire US team
just walked off a cliff.
213
00:09:10,903 --> 00:09:13,539
Perhaps a new strategy we haven't seen?
214
00:09:13,572 --> 00:09:15,042
Nope. Just really bad.
215
00:09:15,075 --> 00:09:17,044
I think their strategy was to be good,
216
00:09:17,076 --> 00:09:19,212
but they didn't execute.
217
00:09:20,714 --> 00:09:22,282
What you want an autograph
or something, kid?
218
00:09:22,315 --> 00:09:25,319
Yeah. You can sign it on my dick.
219
00:09:25,351 --> 00:09:26,620
Dr. Weitzman?
220
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:29,856
What up?! It's me, Dr. Dubbs!
221
00:09:29,889 --> 00:09:31,390
I'm on a mission, too.
222
00:09:31,423 --> 00:09:33,659
After the ice cream social,
I followed a group
223
00:09:33,692 --> 00:09:36,629
of young Korean boys
to their hotel room...
224
00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:37,766
Uh...
225
00:09:37,770 --> 00:09:40,667
...where I extracted their stem cells.
226
00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,134
I modified the DNA to give you all
227
00:09:42,168 --> 00:09:43,537
super-human reaction time.
228
00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:47,507
Okay, men. It's double elimination.
229
00:09:47,539 --> 00:09:49,141
We can still reach the finals.
230
00:09:49,174 --> 00:09:51,210
Dad, why is there
a syringe in your brain?
231
00:09:51,244 --> 00:09:53,647
Uh... uh, I was getting brain freeze
232
00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,381
from all the ice cream
we've been eating.
233
00:09:55,414 --> 00:09:57,750
This is brain antifreeze.
234
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:02,899
Smart.
235
00:10:02,923 --> 00:10:05,591
All right. Let's break down some film.
236
00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:08,495
America will start ironically
237
00:10:08,528 --> 00:10:12,032
defending their own home
turf against Team Vietnam.
238
00:10:12,065 --> 00:10:13,600
Reaper behind us.
239
00:10:15,735 --> 00:10:17,770
I wouldn't worry about him anymore.
240
00:10:17,803 --> 00:10:20,240
A clutch head shot ends the attack.
241
00:10:20,273 --> 00:10:23,576
America off to a hot start.
242
00:10:23,610 --> 00:10:25,412
Cover me. I'm going after Tracer.
243
00:10:25,445 --> 00:10:27,881
No, you're splitting focus.
I need healing.
244
00:10:27,913 --> 00:10:29,716
They're stacking ultimates.
245
00:10:32,152 --> 00:10:33,787
I'm dead.
246
00:10:35,388 --> 00:10:36,712
I'm dead.
247
00:10:37,411 --> 00:10:40,060
And down goes GorillaAnitaSmith.
248
00:10:40,092 --> 00:10:41,594
Hold on, son.
249
00:10:41,628 --> 00:10:42,863
But what's this?
250
00:10:42,895 --> 00:10:44,397
StanLovesHam is bringing
251
00:10:44,431 --> 00:10:46,566
GorillaAnitaSmith back to life.
252
00:10:46,599 --> 00:10:48,101
Incredible focus!
253
00:10:48,172 --> 00:10:49,770
Like when a friend gives you an Adderall
254
00:10:49,829 --> 00:10:52,706
and you read about whales
for three weeks straight!
255
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,042
Easter Sunday!
256
00:10:55,075 --> 00:10:59,379
StanLovesHam is resurrecting
GorillaAnitaSmith like a, uh,
257
00:10:59,412 --> 00:11:01,248
Christ, I'm blanking here.
258
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,883
I've heard about fathers
giving life to sons,
259
00:11:03,917 --> 00:11:06,119
but this is ridiculous!
260
00:11:06,152 --> 00:11:07,988
I love you, Ward.
261
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:11,091
- It's over. America advances.
- _
262
00:11:15,628 --> 00:11:18,401
- USA, USA!
- _
263
00:11:18,541 --> 00:11:21,824
- USA, USA!
- _
264
00:11:21,924 --> 00:11:24,739
- USA, USA!
- _
265
00:11:29,278 --> 00:11:30,576
What?
266
00:11:30,610 --> 00:11:31,979
Oh, my God!
267
00:11:32,011 --> 00:11:35,348
Dad, the finals are in 20 minutes. Dad?
268
00:11:35,381 --> 00:11:36,682
Dick, when the match starts,
269
00:11:36,716 --> 00:11:38,249
go to the head official and forfeit.
270
00:11:38,340 --> 00:11:40,453
Jackson,
you make sure this turns into a riot.
271
00:11:40,486 --> 00:11:42,621
No problem. You're talking to the guy
272
00:11:42,654 --> 00:11:44,624
who started the Kent State massacre.
273
00:11:44,657 --> 00:11:47,259
Holy shit, Jackson!
How old were you? Like 2?
274
00:11:47,293 --> 00:11:48,662
Not that one, dumbass.
275
00:11:48,695 --> 00:11:50,864
The one where they beat Hofstra 42-7
276
00:11:50,897 --> 00:11:52,632
in the Capital Tire Bowl.
277
00:11:52,664 --> 00:11:55,101
In the ensuing confusion,
I'll assassinate the general.
278
00:11:56,168 --> 00:11:57,603
What? Oh, God.
279
00:11:57,636 --> 00:12:00,873
The general is standing
right behind me, isn't he?
280
00:12:00,907 --> 00:12:02,175
Oh, phew.
281
00:12:02,207 --> 00:12:03,677
It's just a betrayed kid.
282
00:12:03,710 --> 00:12:05,312
Please tell me you're all wearing black
283
00:12:05,345 --> 00:12:06,846
because you felt bloated,
284
00:12:06,879 --> 00:12:08,981
and you wanted to appear
slim for the finals.
285
00:12:09,014 --> 00:12:11,451
Steve, I'm sorry.
286
00:12:11,484 --> 00:12:13,353
This wasn't a father-son trip.
287
00:12:13,385 --> 00:12:14,820
This was a work trip.
288
00:12:14,854 --> 00:12:16,323
I'm so stupid.
289
00:12:16,355 --> 00:12:18,725
It'd take a miracle
for you to focus on me.
290
00:12:18,758 --> 00:12:21,828
Well, before we fly home
and never talk to each other
291
00:12:21,860 --> 00:12:25,298
again, let's at least
go win this tournament.
292
00:12:25,331 --> 00:12:27,734
Uh...
293
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:29,369
What?
294
00:12:29,402 --> 00:12:31,071
The general is standing
right behind me, isn't he?
295
00:12:31,104 --> 00:12:32,572
We're not playing in the finals
296
00:12:32,605 --> 00:12:34,807
because the mission is during the match.
297
00:12:34,841 --> 00:12:37,744
Oh, that's rich.
298
00:12:37,777 --> 00:12:40,848
That is just so fricking rich.
299
00:12:42,248 --> 00:12:43,884
That was my travel lamp.
300
00:12:43,917 --> 00:12:45,752
I expected this out of him.
301
00:12:45,784 --> 00:12:48,087
But you guys? You could have won this.
302
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,655
You could have been champions.
303
00:12:49,688 --> 00:12:51,257
Or does that not interest you
304
00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:53,994
because you're all such huge winners?
305
00:12:54,027 --> 00:12:56,496
Dick, you're a winner.
Tell me what you've won.
306
00:12:56,528 --> 00:13:01,034
I won smallest penis at
my Divorced Men's Retreat.
307
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,538
That's what I thought.
308
00:13:04,571 --> 00:13:07,755
You're a bunch of losers.
You're a loser.
309
00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:10,377
You're a loser. You're a loser.
310
00:13:10,409 --> 00:13:12,879
You won a very bad prize.
311
00:13:12,912 --> 00:13:15,348
You're a loser.
And I'm the biggest loser
312
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:18,350
for ever believing in any of you!
313
00:13:19,952 --> 00:13:21,120
That was harsh.
314
00:13:21,153 --> 00:13:23,355
Maybe Coach Steve has a point.
315
00:13:23,389 --> 00:13:25,524
I mean, maybe we could win this thing.
316
00:13:25,557 --> 00:13:26,692
What about the mission?
317
00:13:27,275 --> 00:13:28,528
All right. Here's the play.
318
00:13:28,561 --> 00:13:31,565
We win the finals and
complete the mission.
319
00:13:31,597 --> 00:13:35,234
Isn't that what Coach Steve
would call splitting focus?
320
00:13:35,268 --> 00:13:37,471
Uh, no.
321
00:13:37,504 --> 00:13:40,440
Team USA is getting killed.
322
00:13:40,472 --> 00:13:42,875
I haven't seen a
slaughter like this since
323
00:13:42,908 --> 00:13:45,378
the bison were hunted to near extinction
324
00:13:45,410 --> 00:13:48,247
on the Great Plains of America.
325
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:50,216
Stan, where are you? I need healing.
326
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:51,918
Uh, I'm busy.
327
00:13:51,951 --> 00:13:54,488
Uh-oh, I've seen this before.
328
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,091
Classic split focus.
329
00:14:05,465 --> 00:14:07,834
Welp, here come the nukes.
330
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,136
Attention, all employees,
331
00:14:10,169 --> 00:14:11,904
I have an announcement.
332
00:14:11,937 --> 00:14:14,441
In 5 minutes, you will be skeletons.
333
00:14:17,610 --> 00:14:19,145
You can't pick me up from the airport
334
00:14:19,178 --> 00:14:21,747
because you're stuck in a banister?
335
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:23,482
Yeah, no, ask Klaus.
336
00:14:23,515 --> 00:14:26,118
- For coach.
- Dad?
337
00:14:26,152 --> 00:14:27,487
Runner up?
338
00:14:27,519 --> 00:14:29,288
So you did play in the finals?
339
00:14:29,322 --> 00:14:30,690
We got destroyed.
340
00:14:30,722 --> 00:14:32,491
Dick accidentally pushed a weird button,
341
00:14:32,524 --> 00:14:34,126
and we got stuck in the options menu.
342
00:14:35,727 --> 00:14:37,163
Work call. Got to take this.
343
00:14:37,197 --> 00:14:40,100
Smith, you idiot! You blew the mission!
344
00:14:40,133 --> 00:14:42,836
At least I'm not blowing my
relationship with my son.
345
00:14:42,869 --> 00:14:44,671
You blew everyone's relationship
346
00:14:44,703 --> 00:14:46,338
with everyone's son.
347
00:14:46,371 --> 00:14:48,841
General Kim launched a nuclear attack,
348
00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:50,710
and we're retaliating.
349
00:14:50,743 --> 00:14:53,146
Mutually assured destruction!
350
00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:55,347
Mutually assured destruction?
351
00:14:55,380 --> 00:14:57,183
Wasn't that supposed
to prevent nuclear war?
352
00:14:57,216 --> 00:15:01,353
No! That was you with the video game!
353
00:15:01,386 --> 00:15:02,721
Dad?
354
00:15:02,754 --> 00:15:04,390
Dad, look.
355
00:15:04,423 --> 00:15:07,860
The nuclear war is right behind me,
isn't it?
356
00:15:15,468 --> 00:15:16,768
_
357
00:15:23,459 --> 00:15:24,845
_
358
00:15:24,846 --> 00:15:26,046
_
359
00:15:31,125 --> 00:15:33,154
Well, you held up your end, Klaus.
360
00:15:33,187 --> 00:15:34,755
Let me open those Teddy Grahams.
361
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,491
Did you hear about the nukes?
362
00:15:37,524 --> 00:15:39,026
Tuttle, if you think we're about
363
00:15:39,059 --> 00:15:41,394
to fall for one of
your demented pranks...
364
00:15:41,672 --> 00:15:43,232
Here's your 5-day forecast.
365
00:15:43,272 --> 00:15:46,000
We're looking at heavy
dust blocking out the sun
366
00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:48,937
and temperatures hovering
around negative-200.
367
00:15:48,970 --> 00:15:50,072
Brrr.
368
00:15:50,105 --> 00:15:51,572
What are we gonna do?!
369
00:15:51,605 --> 00:15:56,577
Absolutely nothing until
I apologize to Tuttle.
370
00:15:56,610 --> 00:15:57,745
Tuttle...
371
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,796
The world will end in
nuclear destruction,
372
00:16:15,830 --> 00:16:17,199
and it's all my fault.
373
00:16:17,231 --> 00:16:19,233
What a klutz.
374
00:16:19,267 --> 00:16:21,737
Well, this is it, huh?
375
00:16:21,769 --> 00:16:24,005
Yep.
376
00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:29,979
So, um, I'm thinking
about trying MeUndies.
377
00:16:40,429 --> 00:16:43,880
_
378
00:16:57,105 --> 00:16:59,807
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- _
379
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,476
♪ Kick-start my heart again ♪
380
00:17:31,473 --> 00:17:33,046
_
381
00:17:50,991 --> 00:17:54,695
What the hell is it?
382
00:17:54,729 --> 00:17:56,064
Ew!
383
00:17:56,096 --> 00:17:57,699
So tasty.
384
00:17:57,731 --> 00:18:00,701
Thomas,
you can't just lick everything that
385
00:18:00,734 --> 00:18:02,536
we find in space.
386
00:18:02,569 --> 00:18:05,173
Your wife doesn't seem to mind.
387
00:18:08,175 --> 00:18:10,913
We must tell the captain.
388
00:18:12,547 --> 00:18:15,884
Mmm! Mama mia.
389
00:18:15,916 --> 00:18:18,519
It's trajectory and carbon dating
390
00:18:18,553 --> 00:18:22,557
put its source at a planet
in the Milky Way Galaxy.
391
00:18:22,589 --> 00:18:27,928
And its taste is out of this world.
392
00:18:27,961 --> 00:18:29,464
Aah!
393
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:35,069
Open a hailing frequency
to their planet at once.
394
00:18:35,103 --> 00:18:36,904
I can't.
395
00:18:36,938 --> 00:18:39,207
They had an extinction event
396
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,543
long before our species existed.
397
00:18:41,576 --> 00:18:43,312
Oh, dear.
398
00:18:44,813 --> 00:18:47,449
This artifact was surely an attempt
399
00:18:47,481 --> 00:18:49,049
to preserve their culture.
400
00:18:49,083 --> 00:18:50,619
Hm.
401
00:18:50,652 --> 00:18:54,021
Can you produce more of
this delicious dessert?
402
00:18:54,055 --> 00:18:57,057
Yes, but the only way to recreate it
403
00:18:57,090 --> 00:19:00,361
is to recreate the planet and wait.
404
00:19:31,350 --> 00:19:32,961
Hm, might be work.
405
00:19:32,993 --> 00:19:35,062
You can't take work
calls on father-son day.
406
00:19:35,096 --> 00:19:37,798
Steve, you're forgetting
that work is my other son.
407
00:19:37,832 --> 00:19:39,734
Be a father to your job.
408
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,837
That's... That's not an expression.
409
00:19:42,871 --> 00:19:46,641
You're... you're joking with... with me?
410
00:19:46,673 --> 00:19:48,242
Yeah. It's our day.
411
00:19:48,276 --> 00:19:50,412
I'm focusing on you.
412
00:19:50,444 --> 00:19:52,013
This feels strange.
413
00:19:53,181 --> 00:19:54,682
All great scientific theories
414
00:19:54,715 --> 00:19:56,784
have their "eureka" moment.
415
00:19:56,817 --> 00:19:58,819
Like Einstein seeing the clock tower
416
00:19:58,853 --> 00:20:02,157
from a moving street car gave him
"E equals MC squared",
417
00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:04,493
which I think we can all
agree is a pretty cool one.
418
00:20:04,526 --> 00:20:07,162
Hey!
419
00:20:07,194 --> 00:20:10,432
Stan's unexpected hug on a
kiddie coaster gave birth
420
00:20:10,464 --> 00:20:14,201
to Steve's theory that we are
living in a synthesized reality.
421
00:20:14,234 --> 00:20:15,803
He spent the rest of his life
422
00:20:15,836 --> 00:20:18,173
trying to prove his simulation theory,
423
00:20:18,205 --> 00:20:20,674
or "ice creamulation" theory,
424
00:20:20,708 --> 00:20:22,844
as it was called by his detractors,
425
00:20:22,876 --> 00:20:25,312
of which I am the primary one.
426
00:20:27,981 --> 00:20:29,049
Mmm!
427
00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:31,753
Science is bananas.
428
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,252
_
429
00:20:37,892 --> 00:20:40,862
So you see,
as we approach the speed of light,
430
00:20:40,894 --> 00:20:45,133
time slows down, the universe
expands around us to the point
431
00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:46,701
where almost nothing makes sense.
432
00:20:46,733 --> 00:20:51,205
Uh, professor? Does this theory of yours
433
00:20:51,239 --> 00:20:54,042
have anything to say about banisters?
434
00:20:55,843 --> 00:20:57,579
Have a great night!
435
00:20:57,580 --> 00:20:59,680
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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