Original subtitles

The ERA is not about, uh, equality.

It's about power.

There are more of us than there are of you.

I wouldn't be so sure.

NADJA: Guillermo, I found another one!

(laughs) Here. Right here.

-LASZLO: Gizmo, here's one. -Oh!

Come on, boy. Making it three to the Laszlo.

NANDOR: Guillermo.

Big one here.

-Right here. -We are playing a game

-that Guillermo made up. -It's not a game.

We have been burying bodies out here for ages,

thus creating sink spots.

It's caused by decomposing human cadavers.

-It's a wonderful game. -It's a safety hazard.

I'm winning!

And then my master came into the room.

It turns out it was Nadja who had moved the couch, so...

(screams) What the fuck?!

(screaming)

Give me your hand! Give me your hand!

(screams) What the fuck?!

-Get me out of here! -(gagging)

("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing)

* Don't sing if you want to live long *

* They have no use for your song *

* You're dead, you're dead, you're dead *

* You're dead and out of this world *

* Now your hope and compassion is gone *

* You sold out your dream to the world *

* Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead *

* You're dead and out of this world. *

Hey, this one's extra juicy.

I think it's a three-personer.

-Three points for me! -Ugh, damn it. -LASZLO: You're wrong.

Graves are worth one. Three is for the body.

What the...? Who threw a fucking dagger?

COLIN: Ooh.

(cackling)

Whoa.

NANDOR: Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay.

(laughs fiendishly)

I have waited ages for this.

And now I finally have you cornered.

Please, Mr. Mystery Man, do not harm me.

If you wish to kill someone, kill my familiar.

It won't be as satisfying, but it will be much easier.

Silence! I am not here for you.

-NADJA: Oh. -That's a relief. -Nor you.

Thank you very much. That's nice.

Scuse me, are you possibly here to kill me?

-No. -'Cause if you are,

I just need to run in and...

Silence.

I am here...

for him.

For me?

Well, why the hell would you be here for me?

And who the hell are you anyway?

(chuckles)

I have gone by so many names,

all of them feared on the whispers of time.

(chuckles)

Hello, Laszlo.

Uh, hello.

I can see by the look on your face

you were never expecting to see me again.

No, you can see by the look on my face

I haven't got a fucking clue who the hell you are.

(chuckles) Nice try.

Like you don't remember what went down in California.

I rented you a guest room.

Oh, yes.

I did take a brief sojourn to the Golden State.

I didn't want to go.

Well, you weren't invited. It was a work trip.

-And I wasn't invited. -I was-- I had agreed to meet the Devil

at an intersection of roadways,

where we'd do a deal where I would become

a much better guitarist.

I thought the Devil's crossroads was in Mississippi.

Exactly. I was misinformed.

-Oh, yes. -Yes, yes, yes.

Are you keeping well?

Not good, Master Cravensworth.

You remember I rented you a room

in my beach house in San Diego?

-I do. Beautiful part of the world. -Yes.

And you skipped out without paying me

the last month's rent.

-(groans) -And the security deposit.

-Laszlo. -Yeah.

'Cause if I remember correctly,

I walked into the john,

and someone had left a huge floater.

That may be, but you took me for a fool.

You swindled me.

I have spent 167 years searching for you.

(laughs): And now, oh-oh-oh...

satisfaction will be mine.

All right.

Either you repay your debt now,

or you will pay with your life.

The money or a duel!

-Pay him. Pay him the money. -No. No, no.

-Pay him the money. -Pay him some money. Just pay the debt.

I'm not paying for shit,

so a duel it is.

-Oh, no. -NANDOR: Shitting...

Hold this.

-NADJA: Whoo! Go on, Laszlo! -(both hissing)

NANDOR: Get it out, get it out.

NADJA: Very masculine.

That's right. Scare him with your circles.

COLIN: Give him hell, Laszlo.

NANDOR: Okay, okay. Thank you.

(both continue hissing)

What is done tonight may not be undone.

Do both combatants agree?

Courage and honor.

Aye. Courage and honor.

Then the die is cast.

Both combatants, please,

you will stand back-to-back.

Then you will take ten paces.

Then...

you will unleash hell.

And...

one pace.

Two. Good. No peeking, now.

Three.

-Four... -NADJA: Laszlo!

-Laszlo, no! That's not courageous! -Bat!

-(horn blaring) -He's not coming back, you know.

Are you kidding me?

-NANDOR: Sorry about that. -(groans)

Oops. He found the big one.

-Cravensworth! -Yeesh.

LASZLO: Am I a coward?

Of course not.

There is no honor in defeat.

-(grunts) -I've never paid the piper

in my life,

and I won't start now.

-(blows) -I suppose

it won't surprise thee to learn

that I've prepared for a night such as this.

-So, my sweet angel... -(exhales sharply)

it is here that I bid you farewell,

for tonight is the night

that I must disappear forever.

Love,

the man formerly known...

as...

Laszlo.

Forgive me, my darling.

(groans) There we are.

Blue jeans.

And my toothpick.

My foolproof human disguise

for whenever the shit hits the wind.

Makes me completely unrecognizable.

(moos)

(upbeat country music playing)

-How you diddling, Joe-Joe? -Yep.

Your wife still giving you shit over that hammock?

After all that nonsense on Staten Island,

I cut loose to Pennsylvania,

because it sounded like "Transylvania."

And we all know that sounds cool.

I infiltrated the township posing as

your average American Yankee Doodle Dandy.

And I took over Lucky Brew's Bar and Grill.

-MAN: Yeah! -The previous owner,

he mysteriously disappeared--

because I killed him.

-Drinks on the house! -(shouting, whooping)

And I have not looked back since.

I now go by the name of Daytona.

Jackie Daytona.

And I'll tell you something.

Jackie Daytona's life, it ain't so bad.

Not bad at all.

("Simply Irresistible" by Robert Palmer playing)

MAN: Yeah!

(others shouting, whooping)

LUCY: I've been in this town a long time,

and we've never really met someone like Jackie.

LASZLO: No one here knows I'm a vampire,

apart from the people I've drained and killed,

but they're dead now, so that problem's

pretty much solved itself.

* That kind of love is mythical *

This will blow your mind.

-(bass singing) -Huh?

LUCY: He has a really big heart.

How the hell does that work?

Hardly anyone cared

about the volleyball team until he came around.

COACH SWANSON: Up, up, up!

-(cheering) -Yeah! Unlucky!

We weren't doing real well. Uh, we were losing a lot.

* When there's no other course *

And, uh, Jackie Daytona shows up, and, suddenly,

balls are going where they're supposed to go.

-You got this. Nice! Set! -Come on, girls.

I'm pretty sure he's the X factor.

LASZLO: There we go!

Superb!

* Simply irresistible *

LASZLO: While I'm in disguise,

I can't fly.

So I got myself one of these.

Let's go, Bucks.

-(grunting) -I've truly grown to love this township.

So I have rid it of some motor-bicycle criminals.

You better hit the bricks

before I put my foot up your ass.

WAYNE: Every year, me and the boys

go on a charity run to raise money for kids.

We're just on a weekend ride

to raise money for Toys for Tots.

And he came out of nowhere and beat the shit out of us.

How 'bout I put this toy where the moon don't shine?

* She leaves me in awe, she deserves the applause *

He's really mysterious.

And modest. He covered up

all the mirrors in the bar.

* But now I find her *

COACH SWANSON: When you're Jackie Daytona,

you can do whatever you want, 'cause you change lives.

LUCY: Jackie Daytona really

inspires me.

LASZLO: It may have sprung from necessity,

but now I feel as though I may never depart.

* Simply irresistible. *

(crickets chirping)

(indistinct shouting, cheering)

LASZLO: We made it!

Drinks are on Jackie Daytona!

-(cheering, applause) -Yes.

Okay, okay, okay, everybody!

Ah, you know, we've had a rough year.

But tonight...

we qualified for State!

(cheering, whooping)

Great work!

I want to take a second to thank everybody

and, most of all, a huge, huge thank you--

yes-- to our friend, Mr. Jackie Daytona!

ALL: We love you, Jackie!

Jackie, if it were not for you,

we wouldn't be here.

You're the heart and soul of this team, sir.

-Yes, you are! -MAN: Yes, you are.

I am just a regular human guy.

-Oh... -No, you're not. -MAN: Come on.

And, unfortunately, now...

I got to deliver some pretty tough news.

Due to state budget cuts,

we are no longer able to afford this year's tournament fees.

And, therefore, we...

we're not going to State.

-You what? -(gasping, murmuring)

I'm so sorry, Jackie.

(gasping)

I need some air!

It makes no sense to me either,

that I would fall in love with volleyball.

But, you know what, I've come to love those Bucks.

I love the popcorn, the squeak

of the tennis shoes on the court.

And I promised I'd never get emotional in front of you chaps,

but...

I didn't scrape and murder my way to Pennsylvania

to watch those talented athletes get fucked off.

I don't mind saying I need your help, Billy Bass.

I'm shit out of ideas.

Penny for your thoughts.

I think we'll need more than a penny, Luce.

Those poor girls, they didn't deserve that.

You got a big heart, Jackie.

Everyone in this town knows that.

Mm.

I just wish I understood you.

You're such a mystery.

You say you're from Tucson, but you talk

all fancy and Europe-like.

This is the way we talk in Tucson, Arizonia.

If only there was some way to help that volleyball team.

* She's so fine *

* There's no telling where the money went *

-* She's all mine... * -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, there.

You never told me you could sing like that.

Not only that, you can sing real damn good.

That's given me an idea.

I say, an incredible idea.

Jackie Daytona has a major-league plan.

Talent show tomorrow, here in the pub.

We charge five bucks a ticket.

Imagine the amount of money we'll raise for these girls.

Yes!

This town's full of talent.

He's getting into it.

This is gonna be spectacular.

I know that you're a first-rate singer.

Talent show.

Lucky Brew's.

Take another one for your wife.

You can do some impersonations.

(imitating Borat): My wife!

There you go. Henry VIII.

-Support the Bucks. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Take a leaflet.

See you tomorrow?

Come on.

Me, I'm pretty handy at the old shadow puppetry.

* Like a love revival *

It's very scary.

But watch this.

(laughs): How do you do that?

LASZLO: I won't goof it up.

I promise.

You can trust me.

COLIN: Playing cards

actually were invented by the Chinese

in the ninth century.

Please shut up.

Nadja, it's your turn.

(crying)

-Yes, you should go speak to her. -I can step in.

-No, you can't. -All right.

I just couldn't sit there playing games

when my Laszlo is so fragile and out there just all alone!

He survived this far, so...

-COLIN: Hello. -Oh, um...

not now, Colin Robinson.

I'm actually just checking in.

You seem to be having a difficult time

now that Laszlo left you

and is likely dead.

You seem... you know, so lonely.

-(crying): I am so lonely! -Yeah.

You know, you don't need to be lonely.

Thanks.

No. No.

-No? -No.

-No? -No. No.

(chuckles): No, I wasn't... actually trying to kiss Nadja.

It's just that the unwanted kiss rejection

is one of the most awkward

interactions you can have and, therefore,

the most delicious form of energy draining.

'Cause I w-- I was getting a bit of a-a vibe.

-No way. -Okay.

It was like a Thanksgiving feast.

Mwah. (laughs)

If I wasn't married... (chuckles)

and you were a completely different person...

You know, I wanted to check on all the walls of the house.

See you around.

Every day in every room...

Yeah.

-...on forever. -I live here.

We're gonna be bumping into each other a lot.

(chuckles)

So, what's your deal?

I did, however, try to kiss

the Nadja doll, and...

its rejection, uh... stung.

Come on, Joe, drink up.

I don't want Carol ringing here again.

I'm about to close, friend-o.

Anything quick I can rustle you...

up?

Uh, one human alcohol beer, please.

Coming right up.

One human alcohol beer it is.

You don't mind if I join you, do you?

Please do.

So, what blows you into town?

Oh, just, uh...

passing through.

Judging by that look on your face,

I'd say there's something on your mind.

I suppose I can trust you.

After all, you're clearly

just a regular human bartender.

-Mm. -The jeans, the toothpick.

Salt of the earth.

-(chuckles) -That's all I am.

Just a regular human

bartender.

Ah.

Mmm.

To tell the truth,

I've been scouring the area for a while now.

I'm hunting a shady character.

Ah.

-"Shady character," you say? -Yes.

Great pint.

Laszlo's his name.

A slippery heathen more vile

than the most vile villain.

A pestilence masquerading as a man.

-A cowardly worm of a person! -All right, all right, all right.

I get your point, stranger.

-Sounds like a regular wacko. -(groans)

A real son of a bitch.

-Yes. -I'll keep

my peepers peeled for that guy.

Well, then, uh, I will get out of your hair.

Thank you for the strong beverage

and your time.

My pleasure.

But if you see anybody

that seems off...

...give me a call.

Nice to meet you, Jim the Vampire.

How...

did you know my name?

It's printed on your card very clearly.

Oh. Right. (laughs)

-Eh, well, good night. -Good night.

-Oh. -(chuckles)

That was too fucking close for comfort.

The smart thing to do now would be to get out of town.

I mean, that's what Laszlo would do.

But I'm not Laszlo. I'm Jackie Daytona.

And I made a promise to this town.

-LASZLO: Give me a "hell yeah!" -CROWD: Hell yeah!

(cheering)

Wasn't that something?

Now, listen, I want to thank everyone for coming down.

We have raised the money to send these girls to State!

(cheering, applause)

Way to go, Bucks!

You enjoy yourself.

If you want me, I'll be at the bar.

Take it away, Luce.

(cheering, applause)

LUCY: Hello, everyone.

I, uh, don't normally do much singing in public,

but a very good friend gave me the strength to be up here.

This one's for you, Jackie.

-("Simply Irresistible" playing) -GIRLS: We love you, Jackie!

(cheering, applause)

* How can it be permissible? *

* Mmm *

* She compromise my principle *

* Yeah... *

I'm guessing the jig is up.

It certainly is,

if by "jig,"

you mean "the varsity volleyball team's chance

of going to State," then, yes, the jig is up.

Oh, you were talking about the volleyball?

Mm, yes.

-(exhales) -I read your flyer.

I was so heartbroken for the team,

I decided to come back and spare a few bucks to help them out.

(both chuckle)

Even though I am extremely poor...

-Ah. -...due to someone swindling me years ago.

Anyway,

your fundraiser has been my only source of hope

in a long, long time.

Well, then you'll be pleased to know that we've raised

enough money to send the girls to State.

Oh, thank goodness!

You don't know how it warms my heart to hear that.

(both chuckle)

Would you like a drink, old-timer?

Yes, I'll have a...

uh, one human alcohol martini, please.

-Martini? An aristocrat. -Mm.

-(chuckles) -I like that.

* The trend is irreversible *

Charlatan!

-(people gasping) -LASZLO: Oh, shit.

I'm guessing I've come to the end of the road.

(gasps) It was you the whole time.

Prepare for your punishment, Cravensworth.

It will not be swift.

Not without a fight, me old fruit.

-(both hissing) -WOMAN: Oh, my God,

-they're vampires! -(screaming)

(shouting, clamoring)

-WOMAN: Oh, they're gonna kill each other! -You had enough, old man?

-(hisses) -Shit!

(shouts)

(screaming)

(growls)

(groans)

(hissing)

Eh.

(grunting)

(straining, shouting)

JIM: Oh, that's going to leave a mark!

Hey, Jim the Vampire,

-you're fired. -That doesn't even make any sense.

I don't work for you.

(screaming)

Oh, fire. Now I get it.

-Shit! -The money for State!

Oh, no!

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -Oh!

No! Get out!

LASZLO: Hold on, hold on.

I've got this covered.

(groans) Shit.

JIM (cries): Oh, no.

Ugh, no.

Look what we've done.

All these years of obsession and hatred.

-Well... -You know who the real losers are in all this?

The girls volleyball team. That's who.

Kind of puts our whole beef in perspective, doesn't it?

-I should say it does. -Mm.

That debt I owe, I shall pay it.

And I shall pay it in full.

Even the most wealthy of vampires would struggle

-to pay what you owe. -Ah.

But even the most wealthy of vampires,

they don't own what I own.

-This. -What is this?

Do you remember the Mechanical Turk?

Ooh, yes.

Well, this is the same thing in fish form.

-(laughs) -Don't ask me to explain

how it works, 'cause it's unexplainable.

Because there's only one in the whole world.

-* Will they say I've spent my life * -(gasps)

-Look, look. -Isn't it splendid?

Oh, I have never seen such beauty.

(laughs)

* Gonna take me down... *

Your debt is paid, Laszlo Cravensworth.

-Excelsior. -Excelsior.

And I apologize for the billiard ball to the head.

-(chuckles) -Safe passage, sir.

* Still bustin' moves, still breaking... *

(door opens)

(exhales)

-Lucy. -(screams)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I just came to say goodbye.

You're a very sweet girl, but it never would've worked.

One, I'm married.

Two, I'm a vampire.

Time to get the fuck out of here.

(engine starts)

Fucking hell!

I never learned to drive, which is a pity,

'cause that thing cost a fortune.

Bat!

So it seems that the winding path of life...

Guess who's back!

...has led me back to myself.

(squealing)

Back to Laszlo.

Yes!

-Everybody, my Laszlo is home! -(laughs)

Hello, Laszlo.

What? Is that it?

-What? -I've been gone ages,

and all you can do is, "Hello, Laszlo"?

Please. You've been away for, like, one week.

Are you kidding? I was a different person.

I was Jackie Daytona.

I said "Welcome back," didn't I? Fucking guy.

-Who cares? -Let's go.

-To the boudoir. -(laughs) Ooh!

Run! I'm so horny!

LASZLO: Some of Jackie Daytona's

good-naturedness has rubbed off on me.

I set Lucky Brew's ablaze

and picked up the insurance money

to put the girls volleyball team

through to State.

Thing is,

one of the waitstaff was still in the building,

so I had to set fire to another building to pay for his funeral.

And after hypnotizing the entire town

into forgetting vampires ever existed,

I put in a good word for a new friend.

Nice hustle, Jessica!

Teamwork pays off! Very good, very good!

Yeah! Don't be afraid to draw blood.

Yes!

LASZLO: And you know what?

I think we could all use a bit of Jackie Daytona

time and again.

Oh, no.

Who the hell are you?

And what on earth are you doing in my boudoir?

-Relax, my darling. It's me. -Laszlo!

You scared me half to death.

(gasps) Oh.

You're back. So, what is your name, stranger?

My name is Jackie.

-Jackie Daytona. -(chuckles)

-Come here. -LASZLO: Ooh.

NADJA: I want to see if your other toothpick

-is made of wood. -(laughs)

* Born to travel *

* Free to roam *

Get ready!

-Oh, no! -Oh! What the...?

(people gasping)

Oh, no!

My Mechanical Turk! (crying)

-Hey. (chuckles nervously) -Oh, no!

Hey, hey, hey. Don't worry about it.

You can get those anywhere. I'll just bring you a new one

tomorrow, okay?

Cravensworth...!

* Born to travel *

* Far and wide *

* It's not the life fit for a bride *

* 'Cause he's a traveling man *

Since then, I've found out there's a indie band

also called Jackie Daytona

operating in Texas.

I listened to their music,

and I'm pretty confident there's no conflict.

And I have to say this,

'cause someone called Mark from Clearance told me to.

* There's lots of places to see that's new *

* When you're a traveling man *

* Traveling man *

* Whoa, a traveling man. *

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Spirits, uncloak yourselves.

-There's no such thing as ghosts. -Okay. Here we go again.

-(warbling) -(groaning sound)

I think someone summoned a breakfast burrito.

(up-tempo music plays)

VOCALISTS: Hey!

MAN: This is your station.

But what am I actually doing here?

I'm not gonna tell you.

Don't worry. You're gonna figure it out.

MAN: I had no idea what I would find

when I went searching for my father.

They flashed the Zodiac Killer, and my heart stopped.

WOMAN: He believes he is the son of the Zodiac.

WOMAN: It was 1969.

I was pregnant and scared.

I signed the affidavit for Roe v. Wade.

She was not the poster girl that would have been helpful.

What?

-MAN: Born-again Christian. -Hallelujah!

When you do what we did to Norma, you lose your soul.

People are shocked I've never had an abortion.

This is my deathbed confession.