Original subtitles

[mellow orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[melancholy piano music]

[creaking]

- [straining breaths]

Hey, Cory.

What are you up to?

- [sighing] Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

- Hey, Cory.

You know how there's been a void in your life

ever since you finished binge-watching "Lost"?

- Yeah.

- Well, do you think that void's ever gonna get filled?

- I don't know.

Watching those six seasons of "Lost" was...

Was the most thrilling time of my life.

I was right there, trying to figure out every puzzle,

every mystery.

And then the credits roll,

and you find yourself sitting there thinking...

What do I do now?

But... [weak laugh]

I'm sure something will come along.

- Did you watch the bonus features?

- I've watched them five times.

- I wish there was something I could do to help, Cor.

[sighs] All right.

Well, good night, Cory.

[strains]

♪ ♪

- [sighs]

[doorbell rings]

Wonder who that could be.

Coming.

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

[ominous music]

Hello?

- Who was it?

- No one.

- What?

- We just got ding dong ditched.

[muffled doorbell ringing]

[birds chirping]

- Hey, Kev. [window tapping]

Sorry to wake you.

- Oh. Hey, Cor.

- You didn't happen to come over last night

around 11:00 p.m. to hang out,

ring the doorbell, and then

maybe change your mind and leave, did you?

- No. Why?

- Well, we got ding dong ditched last night.

- [softly] Oh. Fuck.

- Listen, since you're crashing in your car, I thought maybe

tonight, if you wouldn't mind, just keeping an eye out?

See if you see anything suspicious?

- I would, but I think I might ask Carol to take me back.

- Kev.

You think maybe you're just saying that

'cause you're desperate to find a place to live?

- Yeah, you're right.

Okay. I'll keep a lookout.

- A ding dong ditcher?

Cory, come on. In this courtyard?

Your doorbell probably just malfunctioned.

- Yeah, I thought the same thing.

I checked it this morning. Doorbell works just fine.

- Look, it could've been a lot of things, you know?

Maybe you dreamt it?

A girthy spider could've crawled across your doorbell?

Solar flare? Raccoon's tail?

- I got donged. - Look.

Maybe you got donged, maybe you didn't.

But unless you know for sure, there's no reason to go around

getting everyone scared.

My mistress is staying with me this week.

If she hears someone got ding dong ditched,

she's gonna freak out.

- You're probably right.

I'm sure it was nothing.

- Ding dong ditched?

- They didn't get you, did they?

- No.

Well, I don't think so. I sleep pretty deep.

I could've gotten donged and I wouldn't know it.

- Well, listen, I don't wanna scare you.

I'm probably just making something out of nothing.

- And you know you have been binge-watching "Lost,"

and those mystery shows...

They'll make you look for things that are just not there.

- Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.

- Did anyone else get hit?

- Nope.

Nope, just us.

- Do you think it's gonna happen again?

- No, I'm sure it's just a onetime thing, pal.

- I hope you're right.

[weak laugh] This week of all weeks.

I got a package coming.

Omaha Steaks, about $500 worth.

I'm gonna have to open the door and sign for them.

I can't be scared to do that.

- No. I don't think that'll be a problem, pal.

[eerie music]

- You know what kind of man does a thing like that?

The kind of man who's got something to hide.

[doorbell rings]

- Huh. Must be the pizza. That was fast.

- That was so fast. - I just called.

♪ ♪

Hello?

Oh, my God.

[coffee trickling]

Ordered a pizza.

When I opened the door, there was no one there.

By the time the pizza did come, I was too paranoid to answer.

Pizza guy left it on the doorstep.

Raccoons got all up in it.

- What kind of pizza was it?

- Mushroom and olive.

- Sorry, Christian.

- And Rachel, was she...

- She got spooked.

Went to her parent's house in Burbank.

Who would do something like this?

- Is there a chance your wife's doing this

'cause she's mad you're cheating on her?

- Nope. No, she's in Barbados.

- [scoffs] It ain't right.

You know there's so much promise in a doorbell?

Could be a friend coming to hang out.

Could be the pizza guy,

coming with your large mushroom and olive.

Hell...

It could be a $500 order of fancy-ass steaks you bought

after rolling your ankle on the tennis court,

trying to reach for a backhand slice

you shouldn't have been reaching for.

To open up the door with all that hope,

to find no one there...

Well... [scoffs]

It just ain't right.

- It probably took me five or six seconds to get to the door.

How far you think you could run in five or six seconds?

- With a healthy ankle, I'd say 30 or 40 yards.

- 30 or 40 yards.

By the time I got there, the ditcher could've been

a block, two blocks away.

- Mm, it gives me a little indigestion, Cor.

- How so?

- Well, if I'm the ditcher, I don't wanna just run away.

I wanna watch. Make somebody breakfast,

you kinda wanna watch them eat it, don't you?

- I'm not sure about making breakfast,

but I see your point.

So, what do you think, they hid somewhere?

What, behind a bush, under the fountain, behind a tree?

- Psst.

[gentle guitar strumming]

- Hey, Kevin. How's it going?

- Pretty good.

- You must be hungry out here.

Why don't you come in and have some lunch?

- Yeah. Okay.

- Come on.

- Why'd you bring us down here, Fox?

- I got ding dong ditched last night.

- Jesus, you too?

- Sorry, Fox. - [frustrated sigh]

- I was hoping it was just one of you guys

wanting to hang out, but...

I answered the door. Nothing.

Now, I was thinking.

Your place, Christian's... It's right out front.

Some punk passing through gets squirrely, rings your bell.

That I can see, but... But my place?

I mean, it's hard to find.

It's not even a legal residence.

- That's true.

Hell, even I forget you're down here half the time.

- So, whoever it is

must have intimate knowledge of the courtyard.

- It must be someone we know.

All right, Fox.

See you around.

- By the way, Fox.

How do you get your mail if you don't have a legal residence?

- I don't need mail.

I know everything I need to know.

- Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

- So, how do you like the cheddar bacon potato wedges?

- Oh, Andie, this is excellent.

You really loaded these puppies up.

- Hey, I, um...

I heard that Christian got ding dong ditched last night.

Did you see anything?

- No.

Then again, my windows kind of get fogged up at night.

- Jeez, Kevin.

I mean, aren't you afraid out there all alone

with the ding dong ditcher just running around?

You know... [laughs]

I don't know why I didn't think about this before.

You can crash on my couch for a while.

You know, I-I really worry about you out there all alone.

- Nah, you're just saying that.

- You know, honestly, I'm a little scared.

I'd feel safer.

- Okay. - Great.

I am gonna make you my famous linguini with clams.

[smooching]

[fountain trickling]

- Tell your folks I said hi.

- I will.

[smooches]

[laughs]

- [sighs]

- Well, good night.

- Good night.

Hey, Andie.

Thank you.

- You're welcome, Kenny.

- It's Kevin.

- [laughs] Attaboy.

[harp strumming]

- Mmm. - So, how do you like

the cheddar bacon potato wedges?

- You really loaded these puppies up.

[splat]

[doorbell rings]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[crickets chirping]

[muffled] Andie! We got ditched!

[crickets chirping]

[door creaking]

- Well, well, well, well, well.

Look who's home.

- Kevin! You're up!

Look, I'm gonna make you some

homemade sausage and bacon burritos.

- Homemade, huh?

Like your linguini with clams?

I know what you did.

You lured me into your house so you can just dong my ass.

- Oh, Kevin, please.

Let me explain.

I lured you here because I need your help.

Every night, before I go to sleep,

I have a glass of chardonnay and I take a sleepy pill.

It's a funny little thing I do to help me fall asleep.

And it's always worked perfect.

But recently, I have been waking up

in the courtyard, in random spots.

And at first I was really confused,

but then I read this article on Buzzfeeds.

And sleepy pills can make you sleepwalk

and do silly things that you don't remember.

You know, like maybe... - Ding dong ditching.

- Yes.

Stay with me tonight, and see if I sleepwalk

and find out if I'm the ditcher.

- Well, if you really wanna find out,

stop taking chardonnay and sleepy pills.

- [softly] Kevin.

[sighs]

Have you ever loved something so much

that you couldn't give it up?

- I'll be on the lookout.

- Great!

I'm gonna make you my special southwestern eggrolls.

- Hey, there you are.

What are you up to, sport?

- Eh, just poking around.

I figured if the ditcher was hiding somewhere,

maybe they dropped something behind.

- Aha.

Hey, listen.

Fox told us he got ding dong ditched, right?

- That's right.

- Those exact words? Ding dong?

- Yeah. - Okay.

You stay here. I'm gonna be right back.

- Where you going?

- I got a hunch.

[knocking]

Fox, just now when I...

When I came to your door, you knew I was there because

'cause I knocked, right? - Yeah.

- Yeah. You see, the funny thing about

getting ding dong ditched as you say you did...

You gotta have a doorbell.

- I say ding dong?

I obviously meant knock knocked.

I mean, sometimes you say coke when you just mean soda.

Besides, I don't like what you're insinuating.

Why would I ding you?

- Maybe for the thrill of it?

Maybe because you're a handyman

who lives in a cramped boiler room with the water heaters

while we all live up there with nice apartments.

Maybe you resent us.

- Resent you?

I love you guys.

- Well... We love you too.

- And I don't pay rent.

This... this is a great deal down here, Cory.

- Hey, Cory? You're gonna wanna see this.

- I gotta go.

I'll show myself out.

Did you find something?

- It's on the ground towards the back.

I couldn't pick it up with my crutches.

- It's a Jamba Juice card.

Looks like your hunch just bought us lunch.

- So, I ran the numbers on the card.

You're not gonna believe this.

Guess how much is on it?

138 smackers.

- [whistles]

So, who do we know that would know where Fox lives,

and has that kind of razzmatazz money?

- Cory, Donny!

What a surprise. - Got you a Jamba Juice.

- Sweet!

Jamba Juice. That's my favorite.

Come on in.

- You say you enjoy Jamba Juice.

Enough to preload a gift card?

We found this where we suspected

the ditcher was hiding.

Does it ring a bell? [card clatters]

- I don't think I like what you're insinuating.

Why would I ding dong ditch you?

- Oh, I don't know, I'm thinking maybe for the thrill.

What do you think, Donny? - Oh...

I would have to think so.

- Then I'm thinking that maybe you used to live

quite the luxurious Hollywood lifestyle.

- I'm thinking champagne for breakfast.

- I'm thinking lobster for lunch.

- I'm kinda thinking breakfast for dinner.

- I'm thinking that now you live in a sleepy courtyard,

and maybe you're looking for a thrill.

[mysterious music]

- I think being a mother of three is thrilling enough.

How about you, Cory?

How do you get your thrills?

Seems like you haven't had much of a thrill

since you stopped binge-watching "Lost."

- Whoa, easy, MacDowell.

- Why would I rile up the whole courtyard?

I don't even pay rent here. I just crash on his couch.

My living situation is very precarious.

Why would I risk that?

- Maybe you're trying to fill a void.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Yeah. Mushroom and olive pizza.

That's right.

And, uh, tell the delivery guy

not to ring the doorbell.

Just knock.

♪ ♪

- Mmm.

- Kevin.

No matter what happens tonight,

I'm gonna make you breakfast in the morning.

Mm.

- Kevin's not in his car.

In fact, I haven't seen him since the first ditching.

It's a little suspicious.

Kevin's not in his car. Andie's a mother of three.

Christian...

cheats on his wife.

I guess the question is

who likes Jamba Juice enough to get a gift card?

- You do.

You're always sucking down a Razzmatazz.

You inhale it.

I've hardly ever seen anything like it.

- Yeah, I like Jamba Juice.

I love it.

But $138 on a gift card?

You know I don't have that kind of money.

- [sighs] Yeah. Jesus, I'm sorry.

This ding dong ditching's just got me all twisted up.

I got these fancy-ass steaks coming and

I don't even know if it's okay to answer the ding ding door.

- I promise you.

We'll figure this out before those Omaha Steaks come.

You're signing for that package.

- Okay.

Good night, Cor.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- You like your potato wedges, Kenny?

[whispers] I loaded them up.

I'm gonna make you my linguini and clams.

These potato wedges are psychotic.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[door creaking]

[doorbell rings]

♪ ♪

[music intensifies]

- [whispering] Andie?

Andie!

Andie, get up. Andie.

What are you doing? Get up!

- Kevin?

Did you just ding dong ditch me?

- No matter what happens tonight,

I'm gonna make you breakfast in the morning.

- Yeah.

It was me.

I'm the ditcher.

I'm the ditcher!

- Fox, wake up.

- What's going on?

- It was Kevin.

- Kevin?

- [sigh] Why'd you do it, Kevin?

- Oh, well, that's a good question.

- You don't have to say anything.

It's obvious.

You just got out of a 19-year relationship.

Sleeping in his car.

Your soul...

Was choked.

Every time you rang that bell, you were screaming.

You wanted someone to answer, but...

You just didn't think you had enough for us.

You are enough.

Next time you ring a bell, you stand there.

You stand proud.

Whoever answers that door, you tell them it's Kevin.

- Yeah. You got it.

You guys probably want me to go now, so...

I'm just gonna sleep in my car.

- Don't make him leave, Cory.

- No, Kev!

- You're not gonna stay in your car tonight.

You can, uh,

Why don't you crash with me in the boiler room?

I got room in there.

- Yeah.

- Ever sleep with a water heater?

- No. - It's dangerous.

- I'm gonna call Rachel and tell her

she can come back from Burbank.

- [sighs]

- We did it.

- I know.

- It's over.

I can't believe it was Kevin.

- Yup.

It's over.

[dramatic music]

[door slamming]

[crickets chirping]

- I can't believe it was Kevin.

- [deep sigh]

- I just did not predict that.

- Yeah. It certainly was an unexpected twist.

[doorbell rings]

- [weak laugh]

- I'll get it.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

- Got some mail for you and a package. I need a signature.

- Hey, pal?

You got a package to sign for.

- Oh, sh... - Thank you.

- Oh, wow. - Hey, how's it going?

- Is your finger working? - Yeah.

- Sign there. - All right.

Thanks, have a good one. - You too.

- Hey, Cory. What do you say to celebrate

I fire up the grill and cook some of these steaks?

- Hey, sounds good to me.

[ominous music]

- Guess how much is on it?

138 smackers.

- So, who do we know that has that kind of razzmatazz money?

- Who would do something like this?

- It must be someone we know.

- I got ding-dong ditched last night.

- Sorry, Christian. Sorry, Fox.

I can't believe it was Kevin.

You know how there's been a void in your life

ever since you finished binge-watching "Lost"?

Wish there was something I could do to help.

[doorbell rings] - I was right there, trying to

figure out every puzzle, every mystery.

I got a hunch.

Yeah, I like Jamba Juice.

It's a Jamba Juice card.

- Hey, Cory! You're gonna wanna see this.

- Was the most thrilling time of my life.

- Well, if I'm the ditcher,

I don't wanna just run away.

I wanna watch.

[doorbell rings]

- It was you.

You're the ditcher.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

- Ding dong.

Pretty thrilling, huh?

[dramatic music]