Original subtitles

[mellow orchestral music]

♪ ♪

[cheerful guitar music]

♪ ♪

[door creaks]

- Hey, Cory.

- Hey, Christian.

- Hey, you're not coming to Raging Waters with us

to beat the heat?

- Oh, no I'm gonna stay home and beat it here.

What's on your mind?

- I don't think Donny should come with us to Raging Waters.

- Christian,

Donny bought a season pass months ago.

Why would you say that?

- Okay, so...

I was coming home from the grocery store yesterday

and I saw Donny in the courtyard.

He was wearing a yellow shirt

with a thermal turtleneck underneath.

He went to take the yellow shirt off

but he didn't hold the thermal turtleneck down

and it rolled up for a second.

And I saw his stomach.

I think that Donny has, uh...

- He has what?

- A six-pack.

- Oh, dear.

- If he goes to Raging Waters like that,

and he takes his shirt off,

he's gonna make everyone there feel bad about their bodies.

[whispering] I mean, imagine if Frankie saw.

- [muttering] Get my belly more.

Hey, what's up, Christian.

- Hey, Frankie.

- Yeah, I'm wondering if maybe what you saw wasn't abs

so much as maybe, uh, shadows being cast from the tree

or maybe a bird flying by or something.

- Maybe.

Or maybe he's jacked to the gills.

- Hey, what's up, guys?

- Oh, my God. He's right there.

[dramatic music]

- [softly] Oh, fuck.

- What are y'all staring at?

[crickets chirping]

- I don't know how this happened.

You know I wouldn't wanna make people

feel bad about their bodies, right Cor?

- I know.

[knocking]

- Hey, Dr. DeMorris.

- I got here as quickly as I could.

I'm just gonna go underneath here.

Just on the doorstep, that's all.

- [wheezes slightly]

- I'd like to try and feel...

Sure.

Sure.

[sighs]

That's not a...

That's not a six-pack. That's an eight-pack.

[dramatic chord]

It's even got the V-things

run into the...

into the pelvic region, it's...

Abercrombie abs.

- Mm.

- Brad Pitt had them in "Fight Club."

- Damn it. How could this have happened?

I mean, it's not like we eat right.

- Have you been doing crunches?

- No. - Been planking?

Reverse planking? Pilates?

- Aw, hell no.

- If you have, just tell us, sport, it's okay.

- No. Nothing.

- Donny may have a freakish metabolism.

- [scoffs] Oh, great. I'm a freak.

Guess I can't go to Raging Waters this summer.

Heck, I got no chance at beating the heat.

- [sigh]

- Wait, I know what I can do.

If we don't want people to see my abs,

I'll wear a shirt in the water.

- Donny, you remember the wet T-shirt contest

at Frankie's 35th?

Well, those wet T-shirts didn't exactly

hide those gross bodies,

did they?

- No.

They accentuated them.

- Look, let's not give up hope.

There are things that we can do.

I'll come back tomorrow with a plan and a regimen.

In the meantime, don't move a muscle.

- Okay.

[water trickling]

- Get him!

- [yelling]

[giggling]

- Now, the key here is gonna be

tons of calories in, zero calories out.

Ah, I have written here a list of foods

I want you to feed him.

- Cheeseburgers, milkshakes... Okay, yeah, we can do that.

- Be sure you go to Tom's Burgers.

They're very, very fatty.

And they will give you a discount if you order in bulk.

- It doesn't sound so bad, does it, pal?

- That takes care of the calories in.

As for calories out, moving burns calories,

so no moving.

[depressing music]

♪ ♪

[muffled whoops]

- Ah! - Oh!

- Get him again!

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Hey, come on, man!

[laughter]

[mellow guitar music]

- Oh. Here we go.

- Ah. - Down the hatch.

Oh... get it. There we go.

Get in there. - [muffled] Okay.

- [squeaks]

Ooh, squirt me, homey.

Squirt me, homey.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

- [grunts and laughs]

- I want this one finished

before you go to bed, all right?

What are you tweeting?

- My body is wack. - Why?

- 'Cause it's the truth and the truth resonates

and it's gonna get about 400-500 retweets.

- That's not true.

The only thing wack around here right now is your attitude.

- Checkmate.

- Donny, we made you a cake.

- Aww. "Get fat soon!"

- Thanks, Frank. Thanks, Kevin.

- Check it out. I'm Donny. I'm Donny.

Check it out. Boom.

- [laughs] - All right, that's enough.

If you make him laugh,

you're just gonna make those abs stronger.

Last one, let's make it count, make a little noise.

- Higher. - What? Oh, all right.

One, two, three, here we go.

- Oh. - Ohh.

[remote beeping]

- Oh, bup-bup-bup,

comedies bring calories, pal.

Let's watch "Billion Dollar Baby."

"We had Kobe, who was a fearsome competitor.

"He didn't get along with Shaq, but that was okay

"because we were winning.

Winning soothes everything."

♪ ♪

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

- Well, let us see if it's, uh...

If it's still shredded in here.

- You know, I had a dream last night, Doc.

I dreamt that my abs were like waffles.

And each square of the waffle represented a different ab.

And all the food I've been eating lately

was like syrup filling in each square of my waffle.

Until finally, they were all full.

And my stomach was flat.

Like a pancake.

- Look, I'm not gonna

waste my time if you don't want the help.

- What are you talking about?

- You're making a mockery of this.

You vain, vain boy. - What?

- What have you been doing? Planks?

Reverse planks?

CrossFit?

- No.

- Wait, so he didn't lose the abs?

- If anything, his V-things are more pronounced.

- [whispers I knew it.

- I didn't do anything

except for what you told me to do, Doc.

I mean, I'm doing the work.

- Face it.

He's jacked and he always will be.

- Maybe we should've made a bigger cake.

- Guess I'll just stay inside and beat the heat with Cory.

Forever.

[dramatic music]

- Well,

we gotta get to Raging Waters.

[exclaims]

Back to check on you in a week or so, I suppose.

Keep up the good fight, buddy.

- Thanks, Doc. - Yeah.

- See you guys later.

- I'll fill up your feed bag, okay?

- Okay. - Vanilla or chocolate?

- Chocolate.

- You got it.

[mysterious music]

♪ ♪

[wrapper rustling]

[plastic crinkling]

- [mouths words]

♪ ♪

[tapping]

- It's almost feeding time, pal.

You're gonna love this one.

I made it extra thick.

- [whispering]

- Hey, Frank.

Didn't know you were still here.

- Hey, Cory.

- Hey, Frank, you mind giving us a minute?

- All right.

One love.

- One love to you.

All right, Donny, let's...

Get your feed bag replaced here.

All right.

I'm just gonna hang this one on this hook right here.

There.

[crinkling]

[sigh]

All right.

Let's get this burger cut up into little pieces for you.

- What's in the burger, Cory?

- Just the usual.

Mustard, ketchup, all-beef patty.

- Oh, that's ketchup and mustard, all right.

But that ain't beef.

- Oh.

Well, maybe it looks like a fish sandwich

from where you are, but... It's all beef.

- Ah, drop the act, Cory.

Frankie said he saw you poisoning me

with Muscle Milk and tofu, he says.

[scoffs]

You know what I told him?

I said, Frankie, you must be trippin', dog.

But he wasn't trippin', was he, Cory?

- [sighs] No.

He wasn't trippin'.

- Why?

Why'd you do it?

- [sighs]

You know, every year, it's the same thing.

Everyone goes to Raging Waters,

plays with their squirt guns, Slip 'N Slides,

while I'm alone inside the house.

- Why don't you just come with us?

I mean, you know I'd buy you a ticket.

- Because...

Outside, I get hot.

But inside, with the AC,

I'm in control.

Down to the degree.

You know, I started to help you at first.

I really did.

Got all the burgers and shakes from Tom's,

just like Dr. DeMorris said, but...

Then I started...

Started having fun.

Thought maybe I wouldn't have to spend the summer

all by myself.

- [sighs] Well, I had fun too.

But what you did wasn't right.

- No, it wasn't.

I'm sorry I poisoned you with tofu and Muscle Milk.

I'll start feeding you burgers and shakes

and you can go hang out with your friends again in no time.

- Mm, doesn't matter. Summer's ruined.

- Well, wait a second, eh, pal?

What time is it?

[door creaks]

[strains]

[mellow music]

♪ ♪

- What's the big idea?

♪ ♪

- You're gonna beat the heat.

Your way.

[sprinklers fizzing]

- I'm gonna go beat it mine.

[water rushing]

♪ ♪

[melancholy piano chords]

- Uh, it's still not draining.

- Not at all?

- It doesn't look like it.

♪ ♪

- [clears throat]

- Hey, pal. - Hey, Donny.

- Guess what I just bought?

- Oh, it's too early in the day for me to strike out.

Why don't you give my guess to Fox?

- Okay.

- Cement.

- Nope.

- A hammer.

- No. - Just tell us, man.

- New shoes.

- Oh, cool. What kind did you get?

- The new Tubular Invaders.

- Tubular Invaders. Pretty cool.

- Not the Adidas Tubular Invaders though, right?

- Yeah.

Saw them in the window and it was love at first sight.

- Mm. - I'm gonna go put them on.

The guys are gonna come by and we're gonna go

to the mall and take these puppies for a test drive.

See you guys.

- Hey, Cory.

I hate to pry,

but have you seen the new Adidas Tubular Invaders?

- No. Why?

- They're all white.

- [whispers] Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

- I'm just worried that if he wears them to the mall,

he might... - Scuff them.

- Mall's the dirtiest place on Earth.

- He's gonna be crushed.

- Has he ever had a pair of all-white shoes?

- No.

He has no idea what he's getting into.

- You wanna see the Invaders?

- Oh-ho-ho! - Oh, shit!

- The Tubular... [record scratch noise]

Invaders, my boy. - I ain't mad at those one bit.

- So, I guess you just flip the strap and you're ready to go.

- [record scratch noise] Rub-a-dub-dub.

- You put those in the tub?

- Phew. - You looking clean.

- Hey guys. - Oh, what's up, Cor?

- Oh. Okay.

The Tubular Invaders, huh?

There they are.

Uh, hey, guys. do you mind giving me and Donny a minute?

He'll be down in just a minute.

- Congratulations.

- Definitely slappin'.

- I'll be right out, guys.

- [sighs]

Listen, pal, um...

I know how exciting it can be

to have your first pair of all-white shoes.

- I love them.

- But it's also important to,

to be safe.

Which is why I got something for you.

- Oh, what'd you get?

[rustling]

- Plastic bags.

- And they got the strap. - And the strap is tight.

- You just strap and you're ready to ride.

- You ready to roll.

- That's what's up, man.

[rustling]

- What's on your feet, Donny?

- Oh, Cory wanted me to wear these bags

to keep my shoes clean.

- I guess that's a pretty good idea.

They're all-white.

- I think it is a good idea,

however, I ain't wearing the bags.

- Ooh, Donny, you bad. [laughs]

I like that.

- I'm just gonna hide these bags in the bushes

and I'll put them back on before I come home.

Cory will be none the wiser.

- Let's hit up the food court, man, I'm starving.

- Yeah, me too. - Nice work.

[ominous music]

- Hey, what are you in the mood for? Like, Panda Express?

- Read my mind. - Yeah, baby.

- Ooh, I wanna get that Asian beef.

[door creaks]

[rustling]

- Hey, Fox. - Hey, Cory.

Look, I was walking home.

Saw these bags dancing in the wind together.

They looked like the ones you gave Donny.

- They are?

Yup.

- I'll track him down.

We're losing light.

- Fox?

Take the bags. - Thank you.

[hip hop music]

[chattering excitedly]

[hip-hop music continues]

♪ ♪

- What's up, lil Kev? - Hey.

- Time to wake up, homeboy. - Kev, what's up, bro?

♪ ♪

[screaming and laughter]

- Tubular Invaders.

- Donny!

A guy with kind of, like, an afro, white shoes?

♪ ♪

[overlapping chatter]

[laughter]

Did you guys see a guy with a big afro?

♪ ♪

Donny.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Excuse me, sir.

- Hey, guys.

- Ooh, my boy, yeah! - Oh! [laughs]

- That's Donny right there.

♪ ♪

[melancholy violin music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

- What happened?

- He scuffed them.

- That's the thing. Donny scuffed his shoes at the mall.

- Couldn't get to him in time.

- Let me see the shoe.

[dramatic chord]

[sighs]

Can you fix it?

- I'm not a miracle worker,

but I'll try my best.

- Please.

- Anything for Donny.

- All right, what happened?

[overlapping explanations]

- All right, all right, one at a time.

Pick a number between 1 and 10.

- Six.

- Five. - Two.

- It was four. So, Brent?

- Um, okay, we were at the food court,

and Donny went to go throw away some trash.

And then there was this other guy

and he was in front Donny and he was throwing away his trash.

And after he was done throwing it away,

it looked like he was gonna go left but he actually went back.

He leaned back. - Yeah, he just stepped back...

[record scratch noise] Out of nowhere.

- Direct hit. - Okay.

Did you exchange information? - Yeah.

- Good. Thank you.

I'll call him later.

Well, thanks for bringing Donny home.

If you guys wanna maybe get going...

- See you guys. I'll call you later.

- Keith? Um, we're gonna go to Panthers.

- Should've worn those bags.

I'm never gonna wear white outside ever again.

Not even if I'm on a beach in Cabo.

- You don't have that attitude.

If you're ever in Cabo and people are wearing white,

you just...

Put plastic bags over your pants.

- Well...

So this was a pretty bad one.

I tried an experimental blend...

Bleach, nail polish remover on a toothbrush...

My toothbrush, so I know it's been through a lot.

And the stain

is gone.

It's like it wasn't even there.

- Great job, Fox.

- Where'd it go?

- Where was it ever?

- That's impossible.

- There's something you should probably say to Fox.

I think it was written on those plastic bags.

- God, thanks, Fox.

- Come on. Let's celebrate. You want a whiskey?

- Yes, I do.

Learn from this, Donny.

Learn.

- Hey, pal. I found a quarter from Nebraska.

- Cool.

[dish clanking]

- You know, you don't have to wear

the plastic bags inside the house.

- Oh, I know.

But, you know, better safe than sorry.

Just like you tell me.

[knocking]

- Hey, Cor. Is Donny here?

We're gonna go to the mall.

- Um...

Donny's not feeling too well.

I don't think he's gonna be able to

come join you guys at the mall.

- All right, y'all, let's ride it out.

- Let's just go to Panthers.

- "Coaching Kobe was a dream come true.

"Every year he was able to lead our basketball team

to new heights, and we were..."

Are you listening or not?

- No.

Definitely not.

- I'm gonna eat some ice cream. Do you want any?

- No, I'm good, thanks.

Hey, what the fuck are you doing?

- What are you talking about?

- You almost scuffed my goddamn shoe.

- I did not almost scuff your shoe.

Besides, you got plastic bags on them.

You haven't taken them off in three days.

- [scoffs]

Okay. Go get your ice cream.

- Okay.

You wait right here. I'm gonna be right back.

I'm gonna do something I should've done

a couple of days ago.

You better not do it. I can hear you in there.

[door creaks]

- Cory?

You look ferocious.

- I know.

- They fit you perfectly.

- From every angle.

- Wait, how come I've never seen you wear those before?

- I bought these at a Buffalo Exchange 12 years ago.

Only wore them once.

- Why?

- Was driving down the road with a cup of coffee

right between my legs.

Hit one little bump.

Little droplet went through the coffee cup,

and landed right there on my pants.

- I'm so sorry.

- So, I drove right to the dry cleaner.

Luckily, they got it out.

Luckily.

She said it was that close.

So, you see, I do know what you're going through.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, where you going?

- Outside.

- What are you, nuts?

You're gonna ruin them. - Yeah.

I probably will.

But all I know is that pants this white

were meant to be seen and envied.

So are shoes like that.

You coming or what?