Original subtitles

London. Yes, London.

Who can fail to recognize the city's great landmarks?

Here, in Trafalgar Square, for instance, there is Nelson's Column.

And even in the worst fog, you cannot miss Nelson's Column.

You see? There's someone not missing it now!

But there is one famous London landmark which anyone could miss.

tucked away in a little side turning.

Recognize it? Scotland Yard.

Scotland Yard is the headquarters of the CID:

The Criminal Investigation Department of the London Police.

Let us take a look at the world-famous CID at work

through the medium of a true real-life case,

a factual documentary record straight from the files of Scotland Yard.

Yes, the case of the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

The theft was not discovered until the following morning.

Get me Scotland Yard.

Within minutes of the report of the burglary, the CID was on the scene

in the person of the Yard's Ace Detective, Superintendent Quilt.

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Constable. Where's the body?

Body, sir? Oh there's no body here.

You mean... we're alone?

Wasting no time, Superintendent Quilt

and Sergeant Brown began a thorough search for clues.

Look, sir! An impression of a heel!

Very clever, Brown. But we haven't time for your impressions now.

Thank you, sir.

I say, you there,

are you the body? - No, are you?

Oh, no. I'm Superintendent Quilt of Scotland Yard.

Delighted to meet you. My name's Noddule, I'm a curator here.

- How do you do? - Ha, ha, how do you do?

- Give me my glove, will you? - Certainly, of course.

Hello?

Hello? I thought we just met.

What have we got over here? What's all this about, eh?

That? Oh, we had a robbery last night.

A robbery... Anything stolen?

Metropolitan Museum, Mukkinese Battle-Horn,

ninth century, copper inlaid with ruby enamel.

You've been swindled, old man.

- What? - Yes. This is an ordinary house brick.

I know. The Mukkinese Battle-Horn has been stolen.

- What? - Aaaaah!

I must warn you that anything that you say

will be taken down and used in evidence against you.

Sergeant Brown? - Yes, sir?

- Make a note of that. - Right, sir.

- Have you got all that? - No, sir! - Good.

You know, Noddule, it strikes me as very, very fishy

why the thief chose this Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing

when there were all these other rare and valuable items lying around.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Such as those golden slave bangles.

- By Jove, you're right! - Yes...

He could have easily whipped one of those Chinese jade ornaments.

Or even this. This priceless Grecian vase...

Botheration! Cleggett! Nip round to Woolworth's

and get me another one of those priceless Grecian vases, will you?

- Mister Noddule? - Yes?

Can you give me a full description of this Mukkinese Battle-Horn?

Description? I can do better than that. Cleggett!

Yes?

Bring in the other Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

- The other? - Yes. This one was one of a pair.

Supposed to be the only identical pair in existence.

Come now then, Noddule! Do you take me for a raving idiot?

Well I...

I beg your pardon. I'm an officer of the Police Force and I...

Aagh!

So, um...this is it, is it?

Yes. This is it.

It sort of looks like a trumpet, sir.

With a little more plumbing, of course.

Look, um, tell me one thing.

- Yes? - What are these holes?

Oh I'm glad you mentioned those.

They are for changing the pitch of the note.

I see.

Now this one here, this one here is for D-Sharp...

That's rather ingenious.

Yes, yes, yes. And that one there is for A-Flat.

- Terribly stunning. - Yes.

Wait. What's this hole here for?

Used razor blades.

Mister Noddule, you're trying to be funny, sir.

Aren't we all?

Soon the various experts from the CID began appearing on the scene.

At eleven ten, the police photographers arrived,

photographed the police, and hurried away again.

At eleven thirty, Quilt began his interrogation

of witnesses and possible suspects.

Send in the night watchman, J. Smith.

Yes sir. Call J. Smith!

Hellooo! Ooooh.

Fine, fine, fine fine.

Everything's going to be fine..."

Oh, here, what're you doing? Lemme go!

Lemme go, now! Take your feet off me!

- Are you J. Smith? - Nope, nope.

- He's not J. Smith, Brown. - He's not J. Smith Brown!

- That's not Brown! - That's not Brown.

Where were you on the night of the throventeenth?

I was at the pictures. I was at the pictures!

BANG! A car went bang, bang, bang, wit-tidda-dum, dayday, fine.

What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?

What about the Mukkinese Battle-Horn?

It's been stolen!

Oooh. It's been stolen.

Constable, get this idiot out of here!

- Get this idiot out of here! - Next witness please.

I won't stand for it! I'll show you!

Next please, Constable.

Yes sir. Next witness!

This is mister Crimpe, the janitor, sir.

Mister Crimpe, would you like to tell us your story?

Yes, sir. Well, I was proceeding in an orderly manner

towards the main gate last night in order to lock up...

Mm-hmm...

When suddenly, somebody jumps out and wallops me on me 'ead.

Yes sir. Wallop, wallop, wallop, on me 'ead.

I turns 'round, and wallop, wallop, wallop again!

Incredible.

Down I goes I goes and wallop, wallop, wallop on me 'ead again!

Then, just as I start to get up, wallop, wallop, wallop...!

- On your head? - Yes sir. Wallop...

- Wallop? - Wallop.

Tell me, mister Crimpe, did you notice anything peculiar about these men?

- Yes, sir. - What?

They kept on wallopin' me on me 'ead.

Is there anything else?

Yes, sir. Could I have an aspirin?

Constable, look after mister Crimpe, would you?

Thank you very much, sir.

The next witness!

Wallop, very good is it?

The next witness is waiting, sir.

Now then, sir.

Where were you on the night of the throventeenth?

Don't you remember?

- Have you got all that down, Brown? - Yes, sir!

Well, rub it out again, would you?

Superintendant Quilt hurried back to Scotland Yard

and within minutes of his arrival,

the well-oiled machinery of the CID sprang into action.

Calling patrol car eleven D, calling car eleven D! Urgent.

Turn left into Oxford Street and head west,

turn left into Oxford Street and head west.

Calling car five K, car five K, turn right into Oxford Street

and head due east, turn right into Oxford...

Calling ambulance one-seven, calling ambulance one-seven...

The search continued. During the afternoon, several arrests were made.

With nightfall, the weather took a turn for the worse.

But, even in the darkest, foggiest street,

London's indomitable police searched on,

stopping late wayfarers and ruthlessly questioning them.

- Hey! Hey, you two! - Uh, yes?

Can you tell me the way back to the police station?

- It's just over there. - Thank you.

Darling, how romantic! We must be near the river.

By noon the following day, vast amounts of vital evidence were pouring in.

It's a letter, sir.

- Good work, Brown. - Thank you sir.

Now let's see what this letter's all about, shall we?

Yes.

Hello! It's a report from the police laboratory.

- Really, sir? - Yes.

Let's see... Analysis of fluff

taken from night watchman's trouser cuff.

Discovered were fragments of wool, cotton,

fine ash from Turkish-type cigarette,

particles of dried mud from a limestone district...

...and a quantity of low-grade industrial soot or coal dust.

Really, sir? And what was the analyst's conclusion?

This suit needs cleaning. - God!

- File that will you Brown? - At once, sir!

We interrupt our story to bring you a word from mister Maurice Ponque.

My name is Maurice Ponque...

And I live in a little log cabin in Piccadilly.

Last night, I left a burning cigarette by my bedside

and the 'ole place was burned down.

And the night before last, my fire insurance ran out.

And we did not get a penny.

My, how we did laugh, heh-heh, when we - heh-heh - heard about it.

Mister Ponque has nothing to do with our story.

We thought you'd like to see what a real idiot look like.

Six months later. The public are pressing for an early arrest.

Assistant Commissioner, Sir Jervis Fruit,

rings Superintendent Quilt with an urgent inquiry.

Hello, Quilt. Have you a light?

A light? Certainly sir.

- Thank you. - All right, sir.

Quilt, look, about this Mukkinese Battle-Horn thing,

something must be done, you know.

Quilt, I want you to call at every music shop and pawn shop,

masquerading as a musician, and inquiring for a Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

Have you got that? - Yes sir. Yes, yes.

Good. Whatever you do, take every precaution,

and don't get yourself killed.

Oh, I don't know, though...

What was that? What was that Brown?

Brown, what is that? - It's a magnifying glass, sir!

Control, Brown, control!

A stone! - With a message tied to it.

What does it say? - Fred Smith, Window Repairer.

Fourteen A Hurley Street.

Why, that's fourteen A Hurley Street's address!

Yes, and no more than a stone's throw from here.

Yes sir.

Brown, we'll start our search there.

- Business must be good. - Yes, sir.

Come on!

Puss, Pussy, pussel, puss.

Kitty kitty ketchup.

Kitty! Kitty! Pussy!

Come on out of there now you naughty Tibble pussel.

- Henryyy! - What is... come...

- Henryyy! - Come on, Tibbles.

- Henryyy! - What is it Minnie, I...?

Henry, there is someone knocking at the door.

What is... what is?

Dear, I can hear someone knocking on the door.

Knicky, knacky, knocky at the door!

Minnie, I can't hear what you're saying for that knocking noise!

Tell them to stop that knocking!

I can't hear you!

I think there's someone I'm not sure...

Would you mind not knocking for a moment, please?

- Certainly. - Thank you.

Now, what was it, Min? - There's someone at the door, Henry.

No, no, there isn't Minnie.

- No, there isn't, is there, Henry. - No, no, no...

Sorry Buddy, good night.

Good... Good night, Minnie. Good night, Min.

It's all right, you can carry on now.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Henry! - Now what is it?

There's someone nicky-knocking at the door!

There's NOT a nicky-knocking needle nardle noo!

Look, I'm telling you, there's...

Look, you stupid old cow, there's no-one there, I'm telling you!

Aargh! Aargh! You naughty old...

There's nobody there, I'm telling you.

Good evening. Won't you please come in?

Brown, this may be dangerous.

I want you to stick around here and keep your eyes open.

- Right. - Alright.

Don't forget, Brown. Keep a sharp watch out.

Right.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Uh, I'm think of taking up music

and I'm looking for a... a Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

- You can't get them, you know. - Why is that?

- You can't get the wood, you know. - I see.

- Poor old Molly Gnasher. - What about her?

She couldn't get the wood either.

Perhaps some other time. Well, good night.

Good... good night.

Good night, mother.

Good night, darling. Don't be late now.

Good heavens, sir! Isn't that the lady you questioned at the museum?

I think we'll...

The mysterious blonde led Quilt and sergeant Brown to Maxie's Club,

a notorious hangout of London's Underworld.

Brown? I want you to get a message through to Scotland Yard

to say that we're coming here and we want...

Yeah?

I haven't knocked yet. - Sorry.

Yeah? - Are you mister Maxie?

Such is my name.

I'm sorry to bother you, mister Such. Will mister Maxie be along?

I am mister Maxie.

Then you weren't very long, were you?

We were wondering if we could get into your club here.

You were wondering if you could get into my club here?

- Yeah. - No. - Why not?

This is a specially-fitted, reinforced, double-strength,

armour-plated door, and nobody can get through it.

- Then how did you get in? - Easy. I came through there.

Cunning, very cunning.

Anyone we know? - No, sir.

- Brown? - Yes, sir?

You'd better stick around and see what clues you can find.

Very good, sir.

Oh, beauteous one. Oh, fairest of the fair! Sublime siren!

Exquisite enchantress. What are you doing in a low hovel like this?

I gotta make a living too, y'know!

Why, you're not a girl, you're a man!

I know that! But don't tell the manager.

- Why not? - We're engaged!

Wait, I see it all now.

You can't! I ain't taken off the veils yet.

Ha, haaa, ahee, ahigh, ahoo!

Brown, where are you! Brown! - Yes, sir?

- Brown, where are you? - Where are you, sir?

- I'm behind this curtain, Brown. - Good heavens, sir!

What a brilliant place to hide! - Thank you, Brown.

- By the way, that dancer... - Yes?

Wasn't that the man you interrogated at the museum, sir?

Yes, and that's not all, Brown.

At last I begin to see the whole sinister plot.

- What do you mean, sir? - I'll show you. Waiter!

- Sir? - Bring me the manager.

Somebody call?

Yes. This, first the night watchman, and then...

Good heavens, sir! The curator of the museum!

Yes! Alias Doppleganger Wormscrew,

head of an international ring of Mukkinese Battle-Horn smugglers!

Curses! Unmasked! Waiter!

Be careful, sir! This might be a devilish trick!

Gad! Minestrone!

And no salt!

Brown! Quick, Brown!

The eleventh hour but nevertheless in the nick of time.

Bah! Outwitted by a neat and audacious trick!

Enough. Come!

Stay at the tops sparrow.

Triché!

Passage!

When!

Good heavens! He's gone!

Hahaha!

- Touché! - Three-ché!

Four-ché!

Fiend!

Brick!

Oh, blood! Oh!

There! That's put an end to your nefarious activities.

Nothing can save you now. Not all the king's horses, not all the king's men!

- Defend the King! - Defend the King!

- Brown, help me! - Excalibur!

Down with the Lurgi! Have at you!

I'm dying! I die! I don't want to die!

- Brown? - Yes, sir?

Who is this girl?

That's the producer's girlfriend, sir.

- What? - You think I'm kidding?

- Have at you! - Have at you!

But I've got to die! It's in the script! I'm dying!

Oh, what a wonderful world we live in!

It's all rather confusing, really.

No, I don't! I want to live! Yes, I want to live!

By the way, sir. Did you turn the gas off?

Yes. They can't win. The poor fools can't win!

I fear that taught them a lesson, Brown.

By Jove, yes, sir!

Thank you.

Thank goodness I've got you Brown.

It would take a superman to evade those eagle eyes of yours.

Thank you, sir.

Come lad, we must try and find the Mukkinese Battle-Horn.

Yes, sir.

Whoever stole it won't get away, Brown.

Poor devil. Give him a couple of coins, Brown.

Yes, Brown, arrest everyone who...

- Henry! - What is that?

- Henry! - Come on Tiddles.

- Henry! - What is it Minnie, I...?

Henry, there's someone knocking at the door.

What did...?