Original subtitles

as per "uush."

‐ Oh, you mean something awesome you tattle on me for?

‐ I'm no snitch!

‐ Then why are you getting stitches?

[both arguing]

You both ruined the school year with your weird science.

‐ You trapped the chess team in an alternative dimension,

reanimated all the fetal pigs, and we can't prove this,

but we're reasonably confident that you gave Miss Kim a three‐month period

after she took away your glowing orb.

‐ Die! Die! Die! ‐ No, you don't. No, you don't.

‐ Yumyulack, out of 180 days of school this year,

you've been late 179 times.

then you will be expelled.

Which means you'll have to go to military school,

where the bullies will fuck you.

‐ Then don't fuck up!

I dump a Dixie cup worth of fuck juice in my pants

every time you put something on their permanent record.

Oh, that shit follows them to college.

‐ Brace yourself. I saw this on Starz.

‐ Oh, what the fu‐‐!

KORVO: Terry, a‐a little help.

[Terry sighs] Really,

‐ Ohh, I'm limiting myself to three neck movements a day.

I only got one left.

the lavatic reactor needs more Aa,

and you paired your phone to the ship stereo

and I don't know how to get it off.

If I have to listen to the "Gone in 60 Seconds" soundtrack one more time‐‐

‐ Just zap yourself with the smart ray.

It takes one second.

Wait. Wh‐what are you doing?

‐ Terry, get back here. Let me shoot you with the smart ray.

[electricity zaps]

‐ Ha ha! ‐ Terry!

‐ I didn't know it would break that easy.

‐ Hey, can you please trap Jesse in the hell dimension? She sucks ass.

‐ No. That dimension is for work enemies and Ansel Elgort only.

And for trash when we forget to put the bin out.

And they for sure figured out that shit with the orb.

‐ Can I just quit school? What does it matter anyway?

The Pupa is gonna evolve into its true form and destroy this planet.

Can't I just watch TV until that happens?

‐ Pepsi. ‐ L‐look, this thing is unpredictable.

It could go off in a week or in a year.

It just said "Pepsi." Who knows what's going on with it.

‐ Goddammit, Terry, you're supposed to know. You're the Pupa specialist.

‐ Whatever. ‐ All right, you two, listen,

and being smart is more important than anything else ever.

‐ Counterpoint: Korvo's stupid.

School is important 'cause it's super‐fun

and the stakes are super‐low

and there's tons of hot people there who want to party‐slash‐do finger stuff.

‐ Heck yeah, dum‐dums, school rules!

‐ There is? ‐ Yes, we could go there.

We could get smart and compete for the teacher's approval.

‐ Or we could meet cool girls, join a frat,

and never work on the ship.

‐ Or you could learn responsibility, become a better person,

and help me with the ship.

‐ Terry and Korvo, going to school for the exact same reasons.

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

The second you point out Christ was an alien,

they get all wound up and start yelling at you,

even though he did a bunch of alien stuff.

Get with it. It's‐‐ it's no big duh.

‐ Hey, do I look cool? I think I look cool.

First day of school, baby. Whoo! ‐ Terry, stop acting like a spaz

‐ Spooky robes are not cool.

‐ You're just jealous of my swish.

[robe swishing]

Maybe this will stop you from being lazy all the time.

‐ You know, I'm not gonna even respond to that

because I'm too lazy to think of a response.

‐ Then why in God's name are you so excited to be at the school?

‐ Because I love classic college movies,

like "Monsters University," "PCU," and "The Skulls."

My plan is to do cool movie stuff and then just cheat off you

at the end of the semester.

‐ You know, you need to learn to not take shortcuts all the time, Terry.

How's that for me teeing up an episode arc for your character?

‐ You're the one who wanted me to zap myself with the smart gun.

‐ No, I won the argument. Better hurry or you're gonna be late.

And then you'll have to take a shortcut to class,

and I know how much you hate those. [school bell ringing]

I like my notes in blue ink!

‐ Make way for my peep, beggar!

‐ Not so fast! [grunts]

Get his bag. SONNY: What the hell?

‐ Well, this is interesting. ‐ That belongs to The Duke.

‐ Not anymore. ‐ You're dead! You're all dead!

‐ No! We don't kill. [Sonny gagging]

That's what separates us from the people that do kill.

We don't‐‐ We do the opposite of what they do.

In terms of killing, we don't.

Got it? [grunts]

JESSE: [voice echoing] Hello!

‐ Today's been a great day.

and I didn't have to hide in the bathroom and pretend to have a butthole.

‐ Yeah, because nobody's here. ‐ Wait, what?

Oh my God. I didn't even notice. What the hell?

Principal Cooke is trying to see if we'll be late or go to class

even when nobody's watching us.

An intense psychological mind game,

not unlike the Academy award‐winning film "Suicide Squad."

‐ You don't get in my way, buster.

‐ This is about to be the most epic challenge of our lives.

I don't want you messing me up.

[ringing]

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[school bell rings]

‐ [crunching] ‐ [slurping]

[school bell rings]

[shoes squeaking]

‐ His name was Charles Paulson Ginsburg,

but you may know him as the father of the video cassette recorder.

I know him as the father of me.

[laughs]

‐ Kegger at my place tonight. Real college experience.

Beers and shots and we might even steal a police horse.

‐ I'd have to get a baby‐sitter.

‐ Well, bring them kids, girl. We don't ID at Casa de Terry's.

‐ Terry, shut up.

‐ Delores, you gonna come and get tore up at my party?

‐ I have to go home and watch "NCIS."

‐This sucks.

No one's appreciated or even mentioned that I'm dressed exactly like Van Wilder,

you know, the mentor of Taj. ‐ Will you please pay attention?

‐ That's your job. Mine is to be awesome.

‐ I just missed what the C in VCR means.

It could mean anything. ‐ Man, this is bullshit.

College is supposed to be about partying all night

and getting into legal trouble but my dad's a lawyer,

so I'm walking away scot‐free.

Ohh! Hey, hey, whoa, look out!

Hey, I'm the Frisbee guy.

‐ Now let's say I have to repair a DVD player.

Is that the same as the VCR?

‐ Ohh, I wish I knew it.

‐ Terry, stop it. Nobody likes Frisbee. You look like an idiot.

‐ Hey, does the Frisbee match the drapes?

‐ I don't know, do you have the balls to find out?

♪

‐ Thank God we got the mattress with the fabric‐encased coils.

Otherwise, I'd be bouncing all over the place.

‐ Oh yeah, I was out all night looking for a party.

Rumor had it the swim team was raging at The Rock

but it was just two homeless guys dancing.

‐ I'm in the middle of this complicated psychological test

not unlike the Academy award‐wining film "Suicide Squad."

‐ Yeah. And none of the teachers are there to tell us what to do.

‐ I'm sure that's all part of the test.

Probably just trying to get you to think outside the box.

but instead of thinking outside the box,

maybe they should be thinking outside the‐‐

but you know what we have to do.

‐ Knife fight!

‐ No, we can't hate each other like siblings.

We have to hate each other academically.

We have to be each other's teachers.

‐ Well, then look to your left and look to your right, motherfucker,

'cause I'm about to matriculate your ass.

Food caches, secret passages, and ugh,

he has his own personal '50s diner called Bop Bops.

‐ We can empty the stockpile and redistribute to the rest of the wall.

It's the perfect crime.

‐ Just like in "Ocean's Thirteen."

‐ Guys, he was also great on "Friends."

[school bell rings]

I am gonna get real with you.

I bet you didn't know Shakespeare was the original rapper.

‐ Oh, did Shakespeare live on Sedgwick Avenue

with DJ Kool Herc in the Bronx five years before the Son of Sam?

‐ Yeah, sure, that's why Shakespeare's writing is like rap.

Plus he made a bunch of money and sampled other playwrights

without giving them any credit.

‐ My tough‐yet‐relatable teaching style is breaking through your emotional armor.

‐ And how.

♪ drumline music playing ♪

‐ Aah! [crashing]

‐ Terry, I'm trying to study, which is what you should be doing.

‐ I am. I'm studying how to get into a drumline,

like in that movie "Whiplash."

‐ Do you have any idea what happens if you fail out of school, Terry?

‐ I assume it's some type of spanking situation.

Instead, you've left me no other choice.

no more video games, and no more Hulu,

the subscription‐based service.

‐ But Netflix doesn't have the Hulu production

of the Hulu presentation of "The Looming Tower."

How do I know what happens about "The Looming Tower," Korvo.

‐ That's the only way you'll learn.

‐ Can't you just make me glasses that allow me to see through people's bodies

so I can cheat off of them.

Wait, no, I‐I'm not helping you cut corners anymore.

You have to do this on your own. That's that arc popping its head up again.

‐ Argh! Okay. Fine.

I'll go get my books.

Dammit, I can't even shoot myself with the smart ray.

What am I gonna do?

Pupa, you know you can't play with the dumb ray.

Like me.

‐ Hah! This human math is honestly very easy.

They haven't even found the number that comes before zero.

What are you doing with the dumb ray? ‐ I'm holding it.

Get dumb, motherfucker.

‐ Terry, we're only supposed to use that in emergencies,

when we're overthinking things.

‐ That's what's happening right now.

‐ Please don't make me dumb. None of my podcasts are gonna make any sense.

‐ If you're dumb and I'm dumb, then we can be dumb together.

‐ But that plan is dumb.

[grunts] Ow!

‐ Oh my gosh, Korvo. Are you okay?

[zapping]

[Korvo moaning] Hey, bud, how you feeling?

Are you dumb now?

‐ I wanna watch the "Look Who's Talking" trilogy

and eat hot dogs with ketchup.

‐ Yeah! Dab it!

♪

‐ I love getting beer in my body as fast as I can.

‐ Preaching to the choir, bro.

‐ Do you wanna buy everything on the McDonald's menu

and smoosh it together into a big ball

and then eat it with a knife and fork with me?

‐ 2Pac is like oxygen

because we need him to live,

while Sisqo is more like plutonium

because he was kinda just a one‐hit wonder

that we've forgotten about.

‐ That's the most rap thing you've said all day.

A plus. [school bell rings]

Oh crap. We're running out of time. It's my turn. Teach me now.

‐ Well, welcome to English 101.

Everyone, pick up your textbook.

Now throw it out!

We won't be needing it. I teach from the heart.

[Jesse grunts] Wait. Actually, go grab it from the trash.

Yeah, we're gonna rely heavily on the text.

Now throw it out! ‐ Oh, come on!

KORVO: Rager at our place.

Party starts at triple question marks and goes till 2:00 a. m.

[scratching]

[grunting]

[grunting and panting]

Spider! Nobody move.

[growling]

Fuck you, spider.

♪ hip‐hop music playing ♪

‐ Ugh, why did we start the party at triple question mark?

People have been rolling in all day.

‐ Who wants to see me smash this bottle.

‐ [all cheering] ‐ [bottle shatters]

‐ Yeah!

‐ Touch my robes. Someone touch my fucking robes.

‐ Okay, I got a 95, you got a 33.

Ah, we passed, and we were at school every single day.

‐ Yeah, we did it! ‐ Yay!

I said we were here every day!

‐ Hey, we did it. You can come out now.

What are you waiting for?

Huh. You'd think they'd be raring to get out here.

‐ Unless nobody's been watching us

and when they said we couldn't miss a day of school,

they meant when everyone else was here too.

‐ So we got along this whole time for no reason?

‐ I guess so. So, now what?

‐ Fuck yeah.

[laughing] ‐ Hey, watch out!

♪ hard rock music playing ♪

♪

YUMYULACK: Ooh, yeah. Whoo! JESSE: Yeah!

[laughs]

‐ All right, one of us has to attach this to the door

and get away before it detonates.

I've been practicing avoiding explosions in my free time,

so I think I can pull it off. ‐ No.

A really bad one.

I was mean to everyone, and I used to piss in the Slurpee machine.

But things are different in here. In here, I can die a hero.

Nobody has to die, because I think I can jump away

well before the explosion‐‐ ‐ Blaze of glory!

TIM: Oh shit.

Run! Run, Bryson! CHERIE: Bryson, run!

‐ No! There's no time. [beeping]

Oh, okay. Actually, there may‐‐

Aah! ‐ Bryson!

‐ Holy shit!

‐ Ah. I'm alive.

But I'm blind.

‐ You should have run. Why didn't you run?

‐ Oh no, my dick got blown off.

I'm blind and I have no dick.

Oh. ‐ Uh‐‐

‐ Please, just leave.

I'm blind and I have no dick.

Hey, I found it.

It was there all along. Just lower than I thought.

‐ Check this out, Terry. Watch.

‐ Wait, wait, wait. Don't you always tell me

that pressing buttons on the ship can be dangerous?

‐ Don't be a little beeyatch.

[screaming]

See, it's fine. ‐ Man, I love dumb Korvo.

‐ Dude, Korvo, get over here and snort this with us.

‐ Oink‐oink, mother‐fuckah!

[electricity crackling]

‐ [screams] Ice lava.

It's freezing.

Oh my God and then it burns.

[people screaming]

JESSE: Ha ha, stop. [laser beams firing]

Don't laser me. That tickles.

‐ Oh, I got you now. [both scream]

‐ Did we make ice lava? ‐ I don't know. Maybe.

‐ Ohh! ‐ You're it.

‐ No fair. I was distracted.

[both laughing]

‐ Korvo, what do we do?

The hot cold lava that powers the ship is getting on everyone.

‐ Don't worry, I know what to do.

[grunts]

I'm boning an alien, bro.

‐ Stop being dumb.

You're the only one who knows about ice lava.

‐ Terry, I know how to fix it.

We just kick back and watch some movie trilogies.

Th‐this whole thing will sort itself out on its own.

‐ We don't have time for even one trilogy.

Ugh. Who would have thought cutting corners

and making you dumb would blow up like this.

‐ Maybe the second "Matrix" movie will help. They're better out of order.

‐ Maybe if I can learn how to fix the smart gun,

I can zap you back into fixing the ship.

[loudly] Stay here. I will make you smart again.

‐ Hey, just 'cause I'm dumb doesn't mean that I'm deaf.

‐ Come on. Come on.

Ah, yes. Hey, the manual isn't too big.

Aah! Ah, crap.

Okay, Terry, you can do this.

Focus. Learn. Be smart.

KORVO: Damn, Morpheus, how'd you get those motherfucking sunglasses

to stick to your face?

‐ Ooh, I gotta see that. No! No!

Focus.

Ooh! Once you know how to reroute the lava‐‐

‐ Check it out, Terry, I'm a fucking Morpheus now.

Watch out.

I think we should invest in a racehorse because I want to go to Kentucky

and wear a big old hat,

and also I've got a great name for a racehorse.

Get ready. Horseus.

From the thing we were just talking about‐‐

‐ Will you shut the hell up?

I'm never gonna learn how to repair the smart gun.

I'm only one chapter past the lavatic reactor.

[gasps] Oh, holy crapsters.

I accidentally learned how to repair the lavatic reactor.

I just want you to know if I don't make it out of this,

it has been the great honor of my life to come to Earth with you.

Korvo, I love you‐‐

‐ I'm gonna go hit a bullet with a hammer, Terry. U‐S‐A!

U‐S‐A! U‐S‐A!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

♪

‐ Holy shit. I think I fixed it.

I actually did something without taking a shortcut.

W‐w‐what are you doing?

‐ Hey, whoa, whoa, I thought you were sending signals.

‐ What? No. Man, when does the dumb ray wear off?

‐ I want White Castle. ‐ Is this what I sound like all the time?

‐ Whoa, Terry, let's watch all the "Resident Evils."

‐ Yeah, that's me.

[both moaning] ‐ Oh yes.

‐ God, I love the last week of summer break.

This place is so nice when the kids are gone.

‐ After this, let's do reverse cowgirl in the theater.

Then we're ass‐eating in the chem lab.

‐ But I'm wearing open‐toed sandals.

‐ [both laughing] ‐ [Ms. Frankie yelps]

‐ Whoo! ‐ What the fuck are you doing here?

[both wailing]

Oh no! ‐ We did what you said.

We've been in our chairs every day at 7 a. m.

‐ How long have you been here on your own?

‐ We're good students. We did‐‐ ‐ We were never late. We were on time.

‐ Mercy. Show us mercy.

‐ Go wait outside.

‐ What the fuck is wrong with those two?

I don't care if they like each other.

We didn't tell them to come in all summer!

This is clearly abuse.

Maybe no one will believe them. It's their word against ours.

‐ They found us humping in the lunch room.

I was about to stick my tongue up your ass.

‐ Oh, Jesus.

I guess we have to do the right thing.

[groans]

‐ Okay, what will it take for you to keep your mouth shut?

A thousand dollars?

‐ We want A's, bitches. ‐ We want A's.

‐ That's it? In what? ‐ In everything.

‐ So we give you the A's and we forget that this whole thing ever happened.

Finger in the ass, the neglect, the eating of a‐‐

‐ Congrats. You're both on the honor rolls.

‐ Woo‐hoo! ‐ Yeah!

YUMYULACK: Honor roll, dude! JESSE: Woo‐hoo!

[cheering continues]

‐ We've been bad.

[both moaning]

[machine powers up]

[babies cooing, babbling]

‐ Man, gathering up the ashes of my victims

and reconstituting them into babies is way more work than I thought it would be.

But, hey, they get a second chance at life, so that's cool.

What's up with you dorks?

‐ We caught the teachers eating each other's asses,

so they gave us A's in all our classes.

‐ And we're best friends again.

And we're out of Frosted Flakes.

‐ I'll pick some up tomorrow.

Hey, uh, don't open the bathroom door because I locked Korvo in there

until he gets smart again.

KORVO: Let me out of here! There's an alien in here!

Oh, wait, that's‐‐ it's just me in the mirror.

‐ Wow, he sounds really stupid.

‐ Yeah, I shot him with the dumb gun like 10 times.

‐ Oh geez, that will take forever to wear off.

Feel better, Korvo.

Don't sleep face down or you might suffocate.

KORVO: Let me out. Gal Gadot is a witch that was put into American society

to make us all forget about the 2008 recession.

‐ Okay, buddy, very cool.

KORVO: Let me out right now! I‐I‐I've got a hostage in here.

[high‐pitched voice] Help me, let me out.

[normal voice] Don't worry, it's a joke. I'm doing both voices. Play along.

[British accent] 'Ello, what are you two doing in here?

[normal voice] Shh, hey, be quiet.

♪ ominous music playing ♪

‐ It's empty. No, this is all wrong.

‐ Come on, we have to get out of here.

[clapping]

‐ You stupid fucks.

‐ What are you gonna do, Duke, take us all on? You're outnumbered.

‐ You see, Tim, my boy,

this was the trap.

Enrique and I set up the whole thing.

The map, the Peep, everything.

‐ Enrique, why? ‐ You killed my son.

The Duke might have pulled the trigger, but you dragged him into this whole thing.

‐ See, I'm a man of rules.

It's rules that keep everyone alive in the wall.

But when someone breaks said rules,

you need a punishment.

I found the perfect form of punishment.

The Boo Hoo Hole.

Tim, you ever heard of the Boo Hoo Hole.

[screams]

‐ Noooo!

‐ I have different plans for you, Tim.

These genius aliens are a billion times smarter than any man.

They are truly worthy adversaries.

[door opens]

‐ Thank you for letting me out. I'm feeling much smarter.

I'm smart now. Thank you.

‐ Okay, we're all trusting you to be smart.

And we all learned a lesson today,

so let's all buckle down and be smart together

and help repair the ship.

‐ What've you got there? Are those hyperdrive plans?

‐ Oh, Jesse, nice try. We don't even have a hyperdrive.

No, no, no, this is my 700‐page screenplay for "Ted 3."

You all have to give me notes. ‐ Oh, fuck, he's still dumb.

‐ It's called "T3D." It's not in 3D though.

Ted and Wahlberg go on a treasure hunt and meet a witch.

I copyrighted this with WGA‐North.

It takes place in the Harry Potter world in the future,

where every city is Boston.

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are president.

Papa John's has cool pizza.

I'm gonna be a professional poker player.

Let me out of the ropy bag. Free me from the ropy bag.

‐ It's nice to do stuff as a family.

♪ theme music playing ♪

♪

[imitating laser fire]