Original subtitles

‐ Terry, will you hand me the deatomizer? The Phillips one.

The booster manifold is misaligned.

‐ Man, hey, I took this quiz to find out what Jet‐Skis fit my personality

and turns out, all of them do. Look at this.

KORVO: Ah, Terry, help! ‐ Oh, I'm sorry.

‐ Oh, my beautiful body. ‐ Oh, God.

‐ Put me in the thing, Terry. Put me in the medical thing.

‐ I don't‐‐ I don't know what you're talking about.

‐ The thing with the red light. ‐ What thing, which thing, what thing?

Which thing? Point to the thing. ‐ Right there.

Oh, God, I'm slipping away. My one regret.

I didn't read enough manuals. Tell everyone you know

to take the time to read more manuals or they'll regret‐‐

‐ Ah!

‐ [pained groans]

[ding]

‐ That didn't seem too bad, honestly.

‐ You are so annoying. I'm up there doing dangerous work.

that it didn't seem too bad. What else do you need, man?

and you, you just, you make it worse. ‐ All right, look, breathe.

The only thing that matters is today we're gettin' a Jet‐Ski.

By this afternoon, we're gonna be jumpin' the wake,

gleamin' the cube, dockin' the dog.

Bologna sandwich in one hand, and a, and a Mountain Dew in the other.

I've gleamed many items before, but never a cube.

‐ It's gonna be fun in the sun from now on.

A Jet‐Ski is exactly what you need to relax.

‐ You're right. I‐I need to stop stressing out so much.

I'm gooblering more than Zortex at the Camoodian Eve parade.

‐ Poof, whatever that means.

‐ Why are your jeans in the freezer?

I allow myself a day with blue fucking ice cubes?

[yells]

[retches]

‐ Um, hey, little fella.

‐ Get fucked!

‐ What, what do the red ones do?

‐ I don't know.

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.

Do you see me? This, this is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid. Everyone claims to like old people

but they're not fucking them.

I fuck old people all the time. They love me.

♪

‐ Hey, at lunch, do you wanna see what happens

if we drink all the sodas at once?

‐ There's a Coke Zero chance I wanna do that.

I have to focus on getting in with the cool kids.

There's an opening at their lunch table now.

Ricky Smalling's in an iron lung. ‐ Ricky was super cool.

He was dating two of the Stacis. Each Staci is worth like ten Rebeccas.

You think you can fill that power vacuum?

‐ My plan is to just slip into the seat, do nothing,

then eventually, it'll seem normal that I'm there.

to Cooper Barn's party and I'll learn so much about humanity.

‐ Well, if you're getting in with them, I'm getting in with the Stacis.

[quietly] 'Cause I'm afraid of them.

‐ Okay, so I'm paraphrasing here.

‐ You know I love when you motherfucking paraphrase.

Give it to me, baby. ‐ Most gooblers are passive non‐verbal

stress creatures who dance and sing and wander off

to go see the world or whatever they do.

The red gooblers only appear every 100,000th goobler.

‐ I knew you gooblered too much.

[shouting] Why are you always so stressed?

Why, why, why? Come on, tell me, man.

Their sole goal in life is to kill the host

either by direct violence or by stressing them out so much

that their body goes into something called fetal shock.

It's where your brain turns into a baby and then you die.

‐ Well, good luck with that, baby brain. ‐ This is your fault.

At least half of these gooblers were because of stupid shit you've done.

‐ Okay, okay, look. Don't make another red goobler.

He probably already forgot about you anyway. Gooblers are dumb.

"I'm going to mill you"? ‐ Oh, my God.

I think he means kill. ‐ [cackles]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

[school bell rings]

‐ All right, some of you may have noticed you're going through changes.

Like Paul over here. It's okay, Paul.

Puberty is something that happens to all of us.

It's completely natural and if you're like me, comes very early.

‐ Oh, no. Oh, oh.

[gasps] Puberty!

[gasps] Staci K. [gasps] Staci F.

‐ Staci G. is out.

She went into the woods to look for Slenderman.

‐ Ugh, she's such a slut for Slenderman.

And then, she's gonna force you to eat a tampon.

‐ I've been slow cooking it all day.

[whispers] In my vagina. ‐ Uh...

uh, oh!

[both gasp]

‐ Wow, you are, like, so beautiful.

I'm sure you get asked this all the time, but can I touch your face?

‐ Uh, I do not get asked that all the time, and yeah.

Touch away, Staci K.

‐ Aiden, Braden, Jaeden, Mark. ‐ Dude, that's Ricky's seat.

‐ Was Ricky's seat.

‐ So I'm at Benihana with my parents, and my Juul dies.

And I'm like, oh, shit. But then I realize,

I can just vape the onion steam.

What are you listening to? The sex?

[quietly] I need to tell you something.

Let's go recharge our headphones and jerk off.

‐ All right, fellas, keep it tight. I love you.

I mean, okay. You just blew that for me!

I was totally in. This is my cool kid table.

You gotta find your own cool kids to hang with.

Like, those guys. ‐ Those are cool kids?

‐ Yeah. I heard Lady Gaga wore that same cone to the Latin Grammys.

So awesome. Good luck.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Okay, you ready?

We gotta meet the guy selling us the Jet‐Ski in an hour.

His name is Trent. I mean, how Trent is that?

‐ Yes, Terry, I'm almost finished fortifying the house

in case that little red butthole comes back.

‐ Oh, right, yeah, I should probably seal up all my hidden doors then.

‐ What hidden doors? ‐ I only have a couple, don't worry.

♪

‐ Terry, that Wetzel's is a money pit. It doesn't have any foot traffic.

‐ It takes a year for a business to be profitable, okay?

‐ But free pretzel day is right around the corner.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

[gunshot]

‐ Hey, watch the nose. It's new. ‐ Fuck you, Craig.

‐ Listen to me. You're not gonna believe this.

I just had such a good experience with two girls in the bathroom,

and it's all because of this. ‐ Nobody cares.

What the hell is that?

‐ That's what I've been trying to tell you.

It's my special flower.

♪ uplifting music playing ♪

♪

‐ I'm sorry I hit you in the nads, man. ‐ No.

I know she just got stung by a bunch of bees.

‐ You did this. ‐ Yep, totally her fault.

Should we bully her until she decides to pursue a career in the arts?

‐ No, man, she's cool.

Jesse, you should come to the big party tonight.

See you there? ‐ Ha, you betcha.

I can't believe the court made me choose between her and my kids.

‐ Now this can do sick flips, right? I mean, they have to be really sick.

‐ Oh, yeah, they're sick, dude. We had some great times together.

Ah, I just want to make sure she goes to a good home, you know?

‐ [loud bang] ‐ Red goobler got a gun!

‐ That was a car backfiring, dude. Is someone huntin' you?

I'm not sure that's the right home environment

for a refined vehicle like this.

is a great deal, Trent. ‐ I hear that.

[chuckles] Hey, you guys want to sit on this honey?

‐ Me first. ‐ No, I'm going first, Terry.

‐ The fuck out of my way!

‐ Damn it, I'm gonna tell Korvo and Terry.

They're gonna chop it right off your head and no one will like you anymore.

‐ No, don't, please don't tell them.

‐ When I get home, I'm going to ruin your life.

‐ Not if I get there first.

[horns honking]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

[glass shatters]

[woman screams]

Yeah!

[screaming]

Oh, god, oh, help me.

[groaning]

‐ He's lost too much of what I'm really hoping is blood.

‐ No!

‐ Thanks for saving my life, I guess. ‐ Thanks for not dying.

‐ I'm still gonna tattle!

‐ Ah, jeez.

♪ somber music playing ♪

♪

‐ Yeah. ‐ Wait till you get her on the water.

‐ This goes on the water? What?

I'm gonna sell her to you guys. ‐ Uh, so should we take her now?

‐ You mind if I drop her off? I just wanted to get one last ride in.

‐ I got the red goobler. ‐ Wait, are you guys weird?

‐ No, no, no. Look, okay.

We've been playing a game of tag with our best friends for the past 20 years.

It's actually brought us much closer together.

We'll see you at our house later. Thanks for the Jet‐Ski.

You're cool. Bye!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ [auctioneering]

...SpongeBob Square Pants...

[auctioneering]

‐ Oof, I am sorry. I freaked out a little.

But the good news is we have secured the Jet‐Ski

and it looks like the red goobler is gone.

Terry, did you poach eggs?

‐ No, I only like scrambled, fried, hard boiled, soft boiled,

sunny side, over easy, over medium, over hard,

Easter, green, Benedict, McMuffin and deviled.

‐ The red goobler was here! ‐ Oh, I also like frittatas.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

He's whispering to the memory foam mattress, Terry.

What is he telling it? What does that mattress remember?

‐ He unboxed my "Hunger Games" Funkos.

Ah, I was saving President Snow for my YouTube channel.

Now it's not even worth half a Phasma.

That's a mom show. ‐ The son of a bitch

took my jeans out of the freezer. ‐ Uh, I did that.

Oh, my God, Trent is gonna be here soon.

If he sees that and thinks someone has asked me to blow them,

there's no way he's gonna sell us the Jet‐Ski.

‐ No, no, no, no. Easy, big guy. Don't get stressed.

That's what he wants, okay? We still have time to clean it up.

‐ We can't tell the replicants anything about the red goobler.

I know Yumyulack will have night terrors

and he'll end up sleeping in our bed again.

I prom... [gasps]

Yumyulack, look.

‐ I got one, too. It's beautiful. ‐ Meh.

‐ We have to hide these from Korvo and Terry.

It'll freak them out. Terry will have night terrors

and he'll end up sleeping in one of our beds again.

‐ What? I thought you said it wasn't special.

‐ Yeah, but now I have one, so it's cool.

This is our ticket to Cooper Barn's party. ‐ They're coming.

‐ So, how was, uh, how was your day? ‐ Fine.

How was your day? ‐ Equally fine.

Yep, there's no such thing as a red goobler.

‐ I was just saying the same thing about head flowers.

KORVO/YUMYULACK: What? TERRY/JESSE: Nothing.

‐ I knew this day would come, but, man.

It is hard to say good‐bye to something you have been inside of.

‐ Oh. ‐ I, I meant metaphorically.

You know, whatever, dude. ‐ Okay, well, uh, good luck

with that whole thing, Trent. Um, we gotta go.

We're late to get our backs waxed.

‐ Hurry, trap him in the garage.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, get him. ‐ [cackling]

‐ God damn it. Shit, shit, grab him.

‐ [shuddering breaths] A small red man did this.

[gasping]

And I don't mean that as, like, derogatory toward little people.

[groans]

Or Native Americans, dude.

He was just actually tiny and‐‐ red‐‐

‐ This is bad, Terry. The red goobler set us up.

‐ What are we gonna do? I can't go to prison.

I don't have a butthole. How will I smuggle in treats?

But this town has a real problem with unexplained high‐concept injuries.

It's like we're cursed. Damn.

I'm sorry for your loss. Was he a good friend?

‐ No, he was more than that. He was a Jet‐Ski.

♪ dance music playing ♪

‐ Wow, our first real‐life high school party.

It's just like I dreamed it would be.

Look, Cooper Barn's already freaking out that people are trashing his house.

‐ That's a family heirloom. Get away from my dog.

Brent, don't snort my dad's ashes. Fuck!

‐ Classic Cooper. ‐ So you hang out with the Stacis

while I make my move on the podcast guys.

I wanna be toxically entrenched in a clique by 8:00.

‐ Whoo, Jesse. ‐ Yas, Jesse.

‐ Hey, what are you doing here? ‐ Oh, uh...

[coughs]

‐ Dude, dude, dude, psyched you're here, man.

Love the headphones. You're not a poser at all.

Do you wanna buy a van with me? We could do road trips.

Oh, we could solve mys‐‐ we could turn it into a food van.

Oh, my God, I'm operating at such a different level, bro.

‐ Um, I have read that a Nissan Odyssey is a pretty sweet ride.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ For the millionth time, no. Wait, is he on my back?

‐ No, you're clear.

Oh, man, is this what life is like from now on?

Just waiting for a ketchup packet to stab us in the back?

‐ We have to take the fight to him. Just like Kevin McCallister,

we shall not go softly into the night.

He could be anywhere. In the vents, under a lampshade,

the other side of town. ‐ Hey, think about it.

He's literally made of your stress. ‐ So?

‐ So he's probably hiding out in the most stressful place you can imagine.

[wolf howls]

This is your most stressful place? ‐ Yes.

For starters, how do they stay in business all year?

It makes no sense financially.

The whole place smells like the inside of a plastic bag.

And for some reason, they sell marked‐up PS4s.

Plus I'm afraid of skeletons. Ah! See?

‐ Wait a minute, he's here. I can sense it.

Also, I can see him right there. ‐ [grunts]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

Oh, great, now we have to pay for that.

‐ Are you guys on molly? ‐ Molly is on molly,

but the rest of us are on Jesse.

‐ You want some of this?

‐ Oh, yes, Jesse. That's me, super cool.

‐ Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. All I'm saying is think about it.

Are you thinking about it? Are you fucking thinking about it?

‐ What am I thinking about? ‐ Our trip to the woods.

‐ Self‐publishing an erotic cookbook. ‐ Getting married.

‐ Yes, yes, and I'm not saying no, but I need to think about it.

‐ I'm an idiot. I'm a fucking idiot. BOTH: Oh, yeah!

‐ Hey, you guys want to hear a poem I just wrote?

‐ Fuck yes, dude!

‐ This is the greatest night ever. I have a nickname.

They're calling me Yummy Bear. ‐ You are such a Yummy Bear.

That's so you. ‐ Right?

Hey, uh, I'm sorry I've been such a dick.

I know you just wanted to hang out and I guess I was jealous.

‐ You were a dick. But it's okay now.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

[grunting]

[cackles]

‐ The makeup here is marked up 1,000 percent.

All these costumes are so slutty. ‐ Keep it together, Korvo.

He wants you stressed.

[groans]

[babbling]

‐ Where did he go?

[Red Goobler cackling]

This is so scary. ‐ [cackling]

[cackling continues]

‐ So apparently I'm buying a van, writing a cookbook,

and maybe marrying Mark Melner.

‐ Lucky, I always thought he'd make a good dad.

Oh, hey, what's up, girl?

[screams]

‐ What the heck? Staci K?

‐ I'll kill you!

[all growling]

‐ Oh, shit, your dumb pollen must have mixed with my cool pollen

and turned everyone into crazies.

‐ Ah! Cripes. ‐ Come on, let's get out of here.

[grunting]

‐ Stay calm. You're the man, Korvo.

You're a sexy hunk. Keep it together.

TERRY: Korvo, where are you? Don't stress, man.

We can still get him. Oh, my God!

‐ What? ‐ They have mini Japanese Kit Kats

in all sorts of flavors.

[Red Goobler babbling]

‐ No! ‐ Busted.

‐ Check us out, bitch. ‐ [groans]

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

[rumbling]

[animals clamoring]

[Red Goobler babbling]

‐ Explain to me again why we aren't just killing this A‐hole.

‐ If we do then, in a way, he wins.

Maybe by cutting him open and studying his insides,

I can learn how to control my stress instead of just avoiding it.

‐ Aw, that's nice, Korvo.

But I still say we light this little cunt on fire.

‐ Oh, language, Terry. ‐ Sorry.

I'm just all jacked up on green tea Kit Kats.

‐ Uh, guys, we have a big problem that Jesse caused.

‐ We grew flowers on our heads. We know it's a puberty thing

and that we're turning into adults. ‐ What's "poo‐berty"?

‐ You know, when humans grow hair and bleed out of their penises and stuff.

‐ Oh, my God. ‐ Oh, that's awful.

‐ You're not a human. You don't get to have a puberty.

You grow into our size and then eventually turn into a wise old tree.

And if you're lucky, someone uses your body to build a house.

This is just fungus you get from not washing your hands.

‐ You gotta wash those hands. ‐ It's fine as long as you didn't let

your pollens mix and infect anyone, all right?

The only way to stop this infection is to inject the serum under their skin.

But we can't let them bite us or we'll turn crazy too.

Which is why we have to use these emergency medical weapons.

‐ We get to cut people up? ‐ It doesn't hurt them.

The cuts all heal themselves because of the sci‐fi goo the blades emit.

‐ Lame. ‐ But wouldn't it be safer

to use, like, a dart or something?

‐ You want to use a dart? Okay, yeah.

Go ahead, use a dart. This is way cooler than a dart.

‐ Let's go stab some kids and save some lives.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

[screams]

‐ Thank you.

‐ Oh, eat it!

Yes! ‐ Thanks, man.

‐ I'm sorry, I'm healing you. You're welcome, I love you.

‐ Wow, thanks.

‐ Don't worry, they won't remember any of this.

‐ But they're gonna remember I'm cool, right?

‐ No, at best, they'll remember that you aren't.

[grunting]

‐ Oh, thanks, man. ‐ Yeah, no problem.

♪ soft music playing ♪

[barking] [quacking]

[bell rings]

‐ Whoa, dude, what are you doing? ‐ Sitting with my party buds.

Last night was crazy, right? ‐ Bro.

This table's for air podders only. ‐ I could turn into a pod.

‐ No way, man. Pod save this seat for someone else.

‐ Sorry, Yummy Bear. Same thing happened to me with the Stacis.

They told me to take my flat ass back to Planet Mexico.

‐ Everyone who's awesome and cool is such a jerk.

I'm a jerk all the time, but it never gets me anywhere.

‐ Hey, uh, we heard you guys were at that crazy party last night.

‐ Who said it was crazy? No one got stabbed.

‐ Oh, no, no, no. We haven't been to any of those parties.

We just want to hear about it.

‐ So first, we were all hanging out at Barn's house.

‐ Was it in a real barn? ‐ No, it was Cooper Barn's house.

Apparently, cool kids call each other by their last name.

ALL: Ooh.

‐ [Red Goobler babbling] ‐ Ah!

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Wake up, you little slut. It's time me and you had it out.

What the?

[gasps]

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is a regular goob‐‐ ‐ Terry, have you seen my tennis racket?

I've noticed that women who play tennis are particularly dominant.

I have a better chance of finding an assertive mate while‐‐

What, where is the red goobler? ‐ I killed him.

‐ Damn, Terry, that's cold. ‐ Yeah.

I just, um, I knew as long as he was alive,

you would always worry about him escaping,

and I wanted you to have, just, less stress in your life.

I care about you, man. So I chopped up his body

and I fed it to the pigs, and I shot the pigs into space.

So don't worry, those pigs are safe. No, they're not.

‐ That is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Thank you, Terry.

Oh, I feel so relaxed. I took a bath.

Just a soak. Didn't even wash my junk.

Nobody's hunting me anymore and it feels good, Terry.

It feels right. ‐ Uh, yep, feels great. Good night.

‐ Ah, I will now enjoy the stress‐free sleep of safety,

knowing that no one out there is playing the long game

waiting for me to drop my guard, or‐or anything like that.

Ah.

[babbling]

[seagulls cawing]

♪ tense music playing ♪

♪

[cackling]

Pew‐pew, pew‐pew‐pew!