Original subtitles

‐ Whoa, hey. Oh, what is that thing?

Oh, don't throw that out. I can sell that on eBay.

‐ It has an unstable gray hole inside.

‐ You're an unstable gray hole.

JESSE: Nice. [snickers] ‐ It's too big for the trash.

I'm gonna dump it behind the Burger King.

‐ Don't, no, I can sell it and then buy a chocolate fountain

so I can stop making a mess in the microwave

and you won't have to yell at me anymore!

‐ Look at the Pupa. I told you to stop giving the Pupa candy.

He can't eat candy, it gets him sick!

‐ I didn't‐‐ I don't give him candy anymore.

‐ Well, he's getting it from someone!

‐ Oh great, now what.

The homeowners association is updating the rules again.

"Gardeners need to have marked trucks.

"No RV parking in the driveway.

All spaceships sticking out of houses need to be painted to match the trim."

Are you hearing this? ‐ Ooh, we should totally get an RV.

‐ It looks fine the way it is. I don't want it to blend into the house.

It's my whole thing, I'm the spaceship guy!

Damn it! There's a gray hole, Terry! A gray hole in the house!

'Cause we could just live in an RV.

You know, Terry, this proves that everyone in the neighborhood hates us.

I mean, why do you think everybody gives me more room when I'm walking down the street?

‐ They're avoiding us! ‐ They love us.

‐ I think there's only one way to find out who's right.

Nanobots. ‐ Buy an RV.

Nan‐‐ Nanobots.

KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia.

Until the asteroid hit.

One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa

and escaped into, uh, the space,

We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.

That's right, I've been talking this whole time.

I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.

This is‐‐ this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa. Do you see me?

[stammers] This is ridiculous.

I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.

People are stupid.

I don't understand why people have so many outfit choices

when you could just wear a thick, coarse robe.

It's the perfect garment. Boots and a robe. Easy.

‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought you weren't shrinking kids down anymore?

a lady who had 15 items in the 12‐item lane,

and a guy who pronounces schedule like "shed‐jewel."

‐ That's not wall worthy, that's you being a jerk.

[people screaming]

Ha ha ha, look at 'em.

YUMYULACK: Hey, little guy!

‐ [laser pulsing] ‐ [alarm ringing]

‐ That's the alarm! Lucky for you, I've been teaching myself to hack at night

while you've been wasting your time sleeping.

‐ Alexa, turn off alarm.

[alarm stops] ALEXA: Alarm deactivated.

‐ Stupid Alexa. Always listening.

‐ Hold it right there! I'm armed!

‐ Lethal force! Zap him with the bone zapper.

[laser zaps] ‐ Crap, now it's out of charge!

‐ Bite down on your poison teeth!

‐ Terry?

‐ Gordon? [spits]

Wait, you‐you work here?

‐ Yup, yeah, man, it's my third job.

I got three jobs, one, two, three.

Got the three banger jobs, you know. ‐ Oh, man, well, that's good news.

in the town water supply so we can find out if people like us.

Everyone will unknowingly drink water contaminated with our nanobots,

which will harvest all their memories,

and then they'll pee them out and they'll end up back here.

Hey, the room with the big pool of water

that everyone drinks from is right over here.

Come on. ‐ How do you, uh, know this guy?

‐ He sold me a gun.

‐ Be sure to break up the clumps or they might become sentient.

‐ Hey, man, are you sure this is gonna work?

‐ Well, it better, each one of these nanobot cost me 24 cents.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

I mean, they should reboot them.

‐ We forgot to check the nanobots!

‐ [door opens, closes] ‐ [grunting on TV]

‐ [gasps] Oww!

Yah!

‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it.

How can you be sure you're gonna get all of those things out of there?

I'm just kidding, I don't care.

I work at the water treatment plant, I'm not a cop.

Oh, hey, by the way, I got some heroin. You guys wanna do heroin?

I can finally reduce people to statistics!

Ooh! This is how much people like us!

What the hell? Trent from around the block doesn't like

that I let Pupa go number two on his lawn?

Where the heck is he supposed to go?

‐ Brooke and Diane both think I ask too many questions at the grocery store.

I'm from outer space!

It's not clear to me why you have to cook bread twice.

‐ [loudly] Mitchell thinks I'm too loud!

Is it the sci‐fi stuff? Do I smell bad? What is it?

‐ Looks like people just generally don't like us!

One guy hates you.

‐ I don't even know anyone named Tyler.

‐ Ugh, it feels like I'm covered in bees!

‐ We‐we‐we can act different, Korvo. I mean, we can make people like us.

And if people don't like us, that will make that job

so much harder in so many ways.

So to be clear: I don't need to be liked,

it's strictly a work necessity.

‐ Well, I need to be liked!

‐ Dang it, have you seen my shrink ray anywhere?

I'm hoping it didn't shrink.

How ironic would that be.

‐ I hid it. ‐ Give it back!

I will, but first I want to prove to you

that humans are mostly basically good life forms.

For the last couple months, you've been putting way too many people in the wall.

You need to pump the brakes, mister.

Um, dang it, did you hide my gun that makes people do what I want?

‐ Yeah, I hid all your guns.

‐ All the blue areas are pockets where people don't like us

as much as they should.

that marks which houses give out the biggest candy bars on Halloween.

‐ With a little extra effort, I think we can up our likability fast.

‐ You mean sex stuff?

‐ It's possible. Yeah. ‐ Then yes.

‐ Then let's aggressively make people like us!

‐ Shauna, the complete McNugget buddy collection.

Here you go. ‐ Jeremiah, here's a gold bar.

You can put it up your butt.

‐ Carson, it's your son.

He's alive again. There you go. Have fun.

[zapping]

Courtesy of Korvo!

‐ Oh my god, I can feel my legs!

I have legs!

These are kind of hard to control.

Keep moving. You're welcome.

Everybody's welcome. ‐ You're getting there early!

Terry and Korvo. ‐ All right, Terry, that's enough.

L‐L‐let's go.

‐ No, no, no, no, no! [horn blaring]

‐ He always eats lunch alone in his office.

‐ Hey! Get outta here.

‐ I had an extra pudding cup today, Mr. Dutch.

I thought you might want it.

My ex‐wife used to pack my lunch.

Ever since we separated, I've been doing it on my own.

I'm sorry if I've been kind of a dick this year.

I've‐‐ I've been going through a lot.

You know what? Neither of you need to run the mile in next week's fitness test.

I'll just say you both got six minutes.

‐ See? We were nice to someone who was mean,

and now we don't have to run the mile.

‐ That's true. That's how it panned out.

‐ Yeah, that might work on a sad, old, lonely gym teacher, but‐‐

‐ What about those mean surfer guys at Fourth Beach?

‐ Ugh, I hate them. They're always mean to me.

‐ Something tells me that today might be a little different. Wink.

‐ Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Are you seeing this, Terry?

‐ It's working! We're tricking people into being our friends!

Ah, this feels so good, I feel so whole!

‐ We're popular!

Solar Opposites will be right back after these set of‐‐

[stammers] this set of subsequent advertisements.

♪

Unless you spring for expensive Hulu, then there was no commercial break

and this doesn't make a whole lot of sense and is probably quite jarring.

Good for you, Mr. Moneybags.

It's laser engraved right there in the middle, see?

How's that amicable divorce, A‐A‐Angie?

Phil, try the potato salad:

your stomach acid will break it down, and then you'll poop it out in a few days.

and I'm from space.

I should know a good town when I see one 'cause I've been to the moon.

Oh, oh, hey, hey. Don't hide from me over there, Delvin.

I wanna hear about that dental thing. Show me those chompers!

‐ You and Korvo have gotten pretty popular around here, Ter.

We have the juice. It's like a little charisma thing.

Charisma action going on.

‐ You guys should run for the president of the HOA.

Ruth, the old lady who runs it now?

We would be so happy to see that bitch go.

that if we ran for president of the HOA, we'd win!

‐ Oh my, Terry, do you know what that means?

‐ We could make all the rules around here.

No more "paint the ship."

No more "don't build a giant hole

in the middle of the road to capture children in."

‐ I‐I‐I could do some crazy Disney's Blank Check style stuff,

like build a water slide that goes down under the ground with a window

and you can see the dinosaur diorama we built down there

and, oh my god, it would be so awesome.

Which means they would have to like me digging up dead bodies

at the cemetery and fucking them.

‐ And the only person who can get in the way is the old lady president. Ruth.

‐ Ruth. ‐ Ruth.

BOTH: Ruuuuth.

‐ Terry, no. Let's just go spy.

I don't get it, she's been sitting on her porch for seven hours.

Doesn't seem that tough. TERRY: It's called stamina. She's flexing.

I'm freaking out. She's the incumbent, Korvo. They never lose!

‐ You boys want some peanut butter cookies?

‐ Oh, she's threatening us!

‐ Can you help me get a blanket down from my shelf?

‐ She's a million years old, man, she probably knows everything.

How do we compete with that? We need an edge!

‐ I can update the nanobots,

make them bigger so they can gather more information.

‐ You're going down, bitch.

[engine starts, tires squealing]

‐ Sorry about the razzing, Yumyulack.

I guess, like, we were so focused on nicknaming and mocking your nipples

because our buddy JT got mondo chomped shredding the nar

and had to have his totes bummer jammed.

‐ See? They were projecting their own insecurities onto your nipples.

‐ I would have done the same thing if you'd been mondo chomped.

‐ Ugh, why are we being nice? I want to kill this little blue‐‐

Yumyulack rules!

‐ Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

but I'm actually glad you hid my shrink ray,

‐ Wait a minute, you're not just pretending to like humans

so you get the shrink ray back, right?

I'm no schmuck.

‐ Yes! ‐ And I know the perfect place to go next!

‐ Hmm, let me guess.

The guys who work at GameGrape,

the used game store in the mall.

They're always so mean to you, but I think today‐‐

‐ No, way better. Come on!

‐ What? Um, okay, uh, wait, ooh, uh, oh boy‐‐

♪ punk rock music playing ♪

‐ [barking] ‐ [man grunts]

A‐actually, you know what? We've done enough for today!

You've grown so much and I think‐‐ ‐ No way.

I need to find out why these guys are so mean.

I bet it's the ex‐wife lonely lunch thing again.

‐ Oh man.

‐ Hey, do we have any scissors? I'm in a little over my head here.

‐ Shut the fuck up, Terry. I'm upgrading the nanobots.

Smarter nanobots means more information,

and more information means there's no way we lose the debate.

‐ Such a good idea. Nothing ever goes wrong when you make robots too smart!

[beeping]

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[grunts]

‐ Well, I'm sure that's the last I'll see of that.

♪ ominous music playing ♪

[weights clinking]

‐ [whooshing] ‐ [gasps]

[line beeping]

‐ Hello? If anyone is in here, the police are on their way‐‐ Ohh!

Oh, oh, ow!

[Pupa pants, grunts]

[machine beeping]

‐ We know everything there is to know about everyone in town.

What they want, what their secrets are.

Like Todd? His favorite color isn't red. It's orange.

‐ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares, who cares. What about Ruth?

What is she afraid of? Does she have any allergies?

What is gonna take her down? ‐ That's my one blind spot.

That old withered bag refuses to drink water.

‐ Of course! Old people only drink Coke and they never shower.

‐ It doesn't matter. The only thing we have to know about her is that

she's about to be the ex head of the HOA.

Nothing can stop us!

Ha ha ha ha, Terry, ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[roaring softly]

‐ Okay, look, you all know us.

Me and Korvo, we give you what you want.

If you vote for us, we've got you covered.

You want big speed bumps that launch your car

in the air like Dukes of Hazzard? Done.

You want a ski‐lift? I already crayoned up the plans.

We can break ground today.

‐ Two words: Internet. Fiber. Not in that order.

You're getting it! [crowd cheering]

You're all gonna have super‐fast interneeeet!

‐ You know what? I kinda feel bad for Ruth.

I bet she dies right in that chair when we win.

‐ I can't believe we're going to be presidents.

This is amazing. President Korvo. Mister Korvo.

‐ Wait.

‐ Wait, what the hell is that?

‐ [raspy voice] I must speak.

‐ Hey, hey, no, no, no, no. Don't listen to this guy.

He isn't even really a guy, he's just a‐a pile of robots.

‐ It's true.

I am composed of a trillion microscopic, self‐replicating robots,

but I know‐‐ [coughs]

require‐‐ [clears throat]

[normal voice] a stop sign at the corner of Oak and Main.

People speed through there like they're street racing.

It's got to stop, and I can make it happen.

‐ No. What? ‐ No, no, no, no, no.

I‐I‐I don't think so, stop the clock.

We already had the debate. Everyone has to vote right now.

‐ Where did you get that suit? Take it off.

[audience gasps]

‐ Uh, it's my suit. ‐ Gordon, what the hell?

‐ I too thought at first that this Nanobot Man was some kind of frightening

X‐Files type, you know, monster creature.

But then, he took me to a nice steak dinner.

KORVO: That's all it takes?

but I think if you listen for a moment, I could‐‐

whoa, flip your vote.

[crowd laughs] ‐ I‐I command you to leave this place!

‐ Let's hear him out!

♪ heavy metal music playing ♪

‐ Hey, guys, we got pudding over here!

Anybody want chocolate‐vanilla swirl?

Man, these guys are real wound up.

This might take more than a pudding cup.

‐ I know, we should probably just go, right?

‐ You're gonna have to sing them your friendship song!

‐ [nervous giggle] I don't know if that's a good idea‐‐

‐ What the fuck?

‐ Hey, guys, if you think that's punk rock,

wait till you hear my sister's song.

[all shouting]

♪ Interracial love friendship‐‐ ♪

Ah!

Ah! ‐ Ohh! Ah!

‐ Look, I do think humans are generally nice,

but to prove that point to you today

I installed microchips in all of your enemies' heads

that made them nice when I clicked this button.

But I didn't know about these neo‐Nazis,

so it's not gonna work and I think we're gonna die.

‐ Ah, I told you some people are bad!

This is just like the movie Green Room!

[both scream]

‐ Darnell, your lawnmower broke,

and they don't make the gear anymore, am I right?

There you go, 3D printed on the spot.

And little Elizabeth, born blind.

Let's see what we can do about that.

[straining]

[machine powers up] There you go.

‐ I can see all the smells and sounds! It's amazing!

[laughing] Seems like your choice is clear:

a vote for Nanobot Man is a vote for happiness.

‐ The only reason he knows what you want is because he's been inside your pee.

[crowd gasps]

That's right, Nanobot Man has been spying on you this whole time.

Do you really want to elect a man who's been inside your balls

or, or the other stuff?

‐ It's true, I can see it! I can see everything!

‐ Hah! [clears throat]

It's true, I have been in all your pee.

[all gasp]

I didn't want to bring this up, but they've forced my hand.

Korvo is my dad, and he built my nanobot bodies.

And he and Terry put me in the water

so they could read your minds and give you presents.

You can't elect these two liars.

You're not their customer, you are their product.

‐ We harvest the data for the good of the community! [crowd shouting]

How else would we know that Dave needs a new shed

for all his sex dolls?

We can give him that shed!

‐ That's not true! I have sex with living, human beings!

I love the feeling of being pressed up against‐‐

[shudders] a warm bag of bones and blood that can give consent.

‐ I know you better than these guys.

I know that Becky buried her Guatemalan housekeeper in the back yard.

[crowd gasps] NANOBOT MAN: How 'bout that? That's a big secret right there.

‐ I'm sorry, what? You killed Lupe!

‐ Uh, uh, Jeremy's poisoning his wife for insurance.

Uh, Lesley Donovan teaches class while wearing a hidden vibrator.

Samantha is cheating on Michael with Joey! [Samantha gasps]

‐ What the fuck?

TERRY: Phyllis spent all her kid's cancer medicine money on a purse.

KORVO: Bobby snuck shit in a pie at the pie place.

Everyone should be mad about that.

‐ Gary has a cactus fetish. ‐ Robert keyed Leslie's car.

‐ This is all your fault. You're making everyone fight!

‐ Fuck you, Terry!

[Terry grunts] NANOBOT MAN: Ow!

[Neo‐Nazis screaming]

‐ Give me the shrink ray back! ‐ It's in my dollhouse!

‐ What? You know what's going to happen right now

because you did that? ‐Yeah.

‐ Now I have to take these guys out with lethal force!

‐ I'm going to stick my knife up your‐‐ Ahh!

[all groan]

♪ The Blue Danube Waltz playing ♪

[grunting]

‐ I don't like doing this! ‐ I said I was sorry!

‐ It's the suit, not me, it's the suit.

The suit's on auto pilot.

[screams] YUMYULACK: It just does this, sorry.

Maybe, uh, I don't know, maybe be tolerant next time.

‐ Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry about that eye.

‐ Ugh! [rifle zapping]

‐ Damn you, nanobots! NANOBOT MAN: Me?

This is all your fault! Nobody likes you!

‐ Take that back!

[growling]

[straining]

[straining]

‐ Ah! [gulping noisily]

‐ Ah! Ahhh!

‐ Okay, stop! Everyone stop.

Everyone just shut the fuck up.

Look at yourselves. T‐this is fucked.

I've been living here for 30 years

and we never had any sci‐fi bullshit.

You want things normal and regular.

Don't vote for these stupid ugly Alf‐lookin' motherfuckers.

I've had enough. Fuck these guys.

‐ You tell 'em, Ruth!

‐ You're goddamn right I'll tell 'em.

It's fucking bullshit.

I just want to fucking live in peace.

Vote for me, that's all I got to say.

[crowd chanting] ‐ Ruth! Ruth! Ruth! Ruth!

‐ But I can make free electricity

by harnessing the temperature change in the air!

It solves global warming! Come on!

‐ A‐and I have big ideas for a video game library that we can all use!

‐ Shut up and go back to your home in the Abyss!

‐ Not all aliens are from the Abyss!

I don't even know you, who are you?

‐ I'm Tyler, and I think you suck.

‐ I knew it! I knew that was Tyler!

‐ Fuck you! I've always hated you!

‐ Why would we even be from the Abyss?

We have a spaceship sticking out of the top of our house.

NANOBOT MAN: I guess sometimes when you gain sentience

and you're full of data about a neighborhood,

you can overreach.

I was just trying to help,

and I ended up hurting the people I love the most.

I'm sorry, guys. Truly.

I hope you still like me after all this.

‐ Yes, I still like you, Mr. Nanobots.

But you know what? I'm starting to think

I have to stop worrying about who likes me.

I guess some humans are unevolved bigots

who don't know a good thing when they see one.

‐ Us sci‐fi folks need to stick together.

To be honest, I'm proud that I made such good nanobots

that they tried to take over the neighborhood.

Now all of you: back in the bag. We've got work to do on the ship.

‐ But I want to live in a house and fall in love

and build a recipe folder.

‐ Well, tough. I need to spray you on a navigation panel.

You know you have to listen to me, right?

[grunts] Get back here!

You can't just be free! Damn it!

‐ Man, they grow up so fast.

Well, since we lost the election

and everyone's all crazy high‐concept racist now,

I guess that means we better paint the ship to match the roof, huh?

‐ I'll be painting it even more silver than before.

I'm going to light it up at night so Ruth can see it from a mile away.

‐ But the rules‐‐ ‐ It's a $50 fine. I'll eat it.

‐ Yeah, but then people won't like us‐‐

‐ Did you give him candy again? ‐ No!

‐ Damn it, Terry! He's getting it from somewhere

and if he's not getting it from me, he has to be getting it from you!

‐ I don't know, man. I‐I would remember if I did, but‐‐

‐ What do you mean you would remember?

If he's not getting it from you, where is he getting it?

‐ I don't know okay! ‐ Where?

‐ Stop yelling at me! ‐ I'll yell at you as much as I want.

‐ [Jesse sighs] I shouldn't have lied to you.

Humans are complicated, but I didn't think they were so complicated

that they would try to kill us.

‐ After today, I can tell it's important to you

that I be careful who I put in the wall.

So from now on, I'll make sure that everyone in the wall deserves to be‐‐

Ooh, a guy in a red shirt! [blaster zaps]

‐ Wait, but‐‐ ‐ Look, I had people in shirts of all the other colors.

I promise we'll use due process on the next one.

Don't yell at me.

‐ Eh, he was probably a Nazi.

I like humans, but I hate shoes.

Like, how are we supposed to taste the ground?

‐ I don't know, they don't flavor their ground either.

‐ Pff! Weird, right? ‐ [man screams]

[grunts] Oh!

Hey, hey. What's going on here? Where are we?

W‐what is this? What is this? [rumbling, clattering]

What the hell is happening?

[all screaming]

[coughing]

♪ ominous music playing ♪

Oh my god. What is this place?

[panting]

Wait, why‐‐ w‐‐where are you going?

‐ Anywhere but here!

[grunts]

[all gasp]

[all screaming]

[groans]

‐ D‐don't hurt me, don't hurt me. ‐ Empty your pockets.

Ugh! ‐ Hey wait, wait, wait, hey.

I don't belong here!

Two little aliens just shrank me down for no reason.

I'm just a regular guy. I didn't do anything to anybody.

‐ More Taffy bandits will be arriving soon,

and the gum boys move south at night.

We don't want to be anywhere near here when they meet.

‐ Why are they called gum boys?

‐ They love gum.

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

‐ Did they make a True Lies 2?

The Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

Is there a sequel to that?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

♪

♪

[imitating laser fire]