Original subtitles

- Greetings fear mongers and welcome to Warlock Home Video's

presentation of the Sexsquatch.

This one's about an over-sexed furry beast

that roams the deep forest looking

for nubile teens to deflower.

Can the kids stop him?

Will the kids stop him?

You'll only find out if you watch the Sexsquatch.

This is the the hairiest, scariest,

sexiest gore flick of them all.

His big feet aren't his most abominable feature.

Think you've seen it all?

You ain't seen nothing, yay.

Sure to be banned in all national parks across the nation,

this one's about to get hairy!

- Holy shit, what was that!

Was that an explosion?

- Oh my god I think it was, maybe we should get out of here.

- What, afraid of mere explosion?

Please it was probably just the wind.

Come on now, let's get back to this forest fornication.

- I don't think we should, brah, that sounded pretty close.

- Listen Mandy that's nothing you should be excited over

but this, this is something you should be gushing over.

- Oh, so are you gonna show me why

they call you Johnny Longbone?

- Many a doe have fallen from my be extra skin monolith

and you are about to join the list.

- Slay me with your meat sword, you fucking idiot.

- Have at thee!

Butthole, butthole!

Rape the butthole!

Smell my finger, smell it!

* I wanna make violent love to you. *

* I wanna make violent love to you. *

* I wanna make violent love.

* I wanna kiss every night.

* Cause I really want to hold you tight. *

* I wanna make violent love to you. *

* I wanna make violent love.

* I don't want to be frantic.

* I don't want to cramp your style. *

* You're driving me into a panic. *

* You almost drive me wild.

* I wanna make violent love.

Not now, Skippy,

I'm about to blow my own branded glaze all up in a

girlfriend's jugs .

And then I'm gonna take in a lovely artery hardening

fly o' fancy.

Yeah. - Whatever man.

Hey, Crystal, how about you?

You want a donut?

- Skippy, you know the answer,

those things go straight to my pussy.

You don't want me to have a fat pussy, do you?

- Fuck no.

I hate fat pussies, I' throw you off a cliff

to a pack of wild mountain goats if you ever

gained a fat gash.

- Oh, I second that, oh shit, girl.

I'm about ready to spill my children all up in your pores.

- Shoot your unborn progeny all over my alabaster skin.

Make me young again!

- A jizzin, fatgasm forged by my ancestral forefathers.

- Freaking A, it's like liquid with fireworks.

- I am truly...

Blessed.

- Hell no.

- Shut up I'm talking to the ladies.

- So, about getting Joey laid,

what's the plan?

- Well, I thought it was already planned out,

we throw Joey a get laid party, and all are invited.

Chips, dips, chains, and whips.

Typical party hijinks, right?

- No shit, dyke.

I'm talking about who...

Who can we find that would stoop so low to do Joey Jeremiah.

I mean I like the kid, and all, but he's kind of a cankle.

- Come on now, Skippy, you no looking yourself.

Well, look like you got one of those dead

mongoose on your hair,

and a face that looks like you're crapping an everlasting

deuce, deuces, a thousand geese for Easter.

Mongoose?

- If your mug is able to get trim,

and hell, look at me, I'm a fucking lumpy abortion,

but look at this sexual creature to my left.

Bitch could melt the black off Wesley Snipes.

- Point is...

We're a couple of goblins compared to Joey.

I bet we could get his dick wet, faster than a

dude on bath salts can rip a hobo's face off,

and eat it. - that's fast, alright.

So who do we have coming to this orgy of pain,

and pleasure indivisible.

- Well the usual suspects really.

The Boner Squad if you will.

- Please tell me, minty Dave isn't coming.

That guy smells like dead mule.

- No minty Dave, besides I heard he choked himself

with his own ball sack, and he's laying dead

somewhere in Canada.

Oh, and speaking of Canada, make sure we're stocked

with plenty of Toblerone, my favorite chocolatey treat.

- Ugh.

Leo, I don't know how many times have to tell you this,

but Toblerone is actually from Switzerland.

- Yeah, you do keep saying that, don't ya,

and I keep telling you, you're a moron,

there's no such place as a place called Switzerland.

- Yeah, sounds like a place a first class dipshit

would invent.

So anyway, I was listening to the new

Handrelease Summer album, when all of a sudden

my dick starts dancing to the tune.

Come to find out my freaking dong has great taste

in music.

- Crystal, rally the troops,

assemble the avengers, let's get this hootenanny a started.

- Woo, the pussy brigade has cometh from the vaginal peaches

of Babealon.

- Nice.

- Oh man,

Mudhoney's here, you know what that means.

25 cents motorboats.

- Hey guys.

- You didn't tell me Jennifer was gonna be here.

- Hell yeah, kid.

You never know...

She just might just be the pussy, your manly wang

conquers this weekend.

That's the point of the trip, remember?

Seems like only yesterday, I was titfeeding you.

And now, now you're about to bury your fleshtrunk

into the swollen, and juicy, caves of some tramp.

Life is good.

Party!

- I will never betray you, dude.

Bruceski's, alright, yeah.

- Hey.

- Hey, can you hold this for a minute.

Awkward for sure.

* I step out of the car,

* We've driven so far into Bayertown, *

* And take a look around.

* In Bayertown so fun, as I head out into the sun, *

* And I sing this song, what could go wrong. *

* This is something new.

* The way I feel for you.

* I didn't stop you then,

* Well I hope it's not too late. *

* Do you feel the same way,

* Like I feel for you?

* Don't you say I'm sorry,

* You're not something new.

- Welcome to Xanadu, you lucky lucky people.

Are you ready to have the most atrocious,

and psycho-sexual nightmares of your life?

- Leave your bullshit stupid meaningless selves at the door,

for once you cross these gates,

you'll become fucking party gods.

- And I'm totally ready to be milked, oh yeah!

- Yeah, she fucking is.

Now who's ready for some donuts.

We are!

- It's raining men--

oh, there's my dogshit, I forgot that.

Good stuff.

What in the huh?

Donuts?

A party?

At this hour, and in this day, and age?

Well, I like a party, look at me.

I say, I sashay up there, and enjoy what is sure to be

a splendid throwdown.

I better put on my face.

And pull up my nipples, and blend in with the sexies.

Woo, woo, woo.

Yum.

- I guess the real reason we're all here,

Joey.

Our good friend, Joey Jeremiah, has never been boned.

= Aw.

- Oh, you guys. - Yes, I know,

it is a tragedy,

but we're gonna change all that,

because one of you lucky ladies is going to be

speared by your...

Hopefully large pigsticker.

What the fuck was that guy's deal,

"Rock me, Amadeus".

Looked like something that fell out of Boy George's asshole.

- This is your "get laid" party.

- Speech!

- Yeah, Joey!, Speech!

Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech!

Bush, bush, bush, bush, bush, bush!

- Okay, listen guys,

I means so much to me that you're all

behind this amazing weekend.

I've dreamt about having sex since I was a little lad,

when my true passion is becoming the president of

show business, and directing such classics as

swamp sex robots, and Trans AM with a nail-gun.

I think being with one of you fine foxy ladies

is right up there.

So again, thank you all,

and I hope to be able to give one of you

a true, and honor-bound, experience straight from the bottom

of my pouch.

- Woo, woo.

I love getting stuffed in my clam flaps.

I will gladly give you my peach good man,

to do with what you will.

Hey, where do you guys keep the toilet brush?

Get the fuck out of my fucking house,

you fucking piece of shit.

- I'm Marmalade,

you guys know me.

I just laid an egg.

- Get the fuck out of my bungalow, you shitfuck, bitch!

- Okay, whatever.

You don't know me, I hate you!

I would've given you the world,

and this is how you treat me.

- Let's piss on this bitch like Chuck Berry.

- Whoa, don't piss on her, she'll probably enjoy it

plus she might multiply.

Now, keep her away from your chicken.

- Enough, it is clear to me that you hipsters are

far too uncouth to razzmatazz with the likes of me.

Forget it!

I'm bailing.

But you remember this, you're all forever cursed for the way

you treated me.

So you take the curse.

You take the curse, and fuck it.

I'm taking a dump in the forest

without the thoughts of you.

- Good riddance.

- That thing gave me chills.

Look, my nipples. - I noticed.

- Frozen in fear.

- Those nipples are fucking scared, alright.

- Well now that we discarded the human garbage,

let's get you all a room.

We'll get some food in your tummies,

cause tonight, we're gonna tell some ghost stories.

- What the--

some hairy dude is taking shit in my house,

without my permission.

Hey, undesirable, stop pooping in my house.

Wait a tick,

that ain't no hairy dude,

that's the Loch Ness monster.

Well, what would he be doing taking a dump in my house,

in this part of the Milky Way?

Hey, you got any toilet paper?

- Shut up!

Don't bother me!

Can't you see I'm taking a shit?

I didn't know the Loch Ness monster could talk.

Hey, why you in my home?

- It's not your home, this is the woods, you fucking nutbar,

and I'm loosening my bowels in the magic of this

earthy foliage.

- No need to be rude.

Hey, you wanna hang out later,

and scrounge for food on the beach?

- I do not have time yo hang out with the likes of you.

I was itching to rape, and murder,

and you will most likely be my next victim

after I finish with this exquisite poopage.

- I don't want you to rape, and murder, me guy,

what's that all about?

I thought we were dumping buddies.

- Well, admittedly I would rather not kill, and rape,

you either, but it's in my blood, it's my nature.

I am Stink Fist the Sexsquatch.

It's kind of my thing.

- Well, cram-apples, and squid-nuts,

I don't want to be killed by you.

I've had my dream-death planned out for decades,

and it was not by the hands of the Loch Ness monster.

- And how would you like to die, coagulate one?

- I want to be stabbed in my eyes

by my own feet.

- Erotic.

- Say, I have an idea big guy.

Say you don't rape and kill me, and I'll show you

pleasures beyond your wildest creams.

- I'm listening.

- I know a place, where you can get the ripest,

most succulent butt-holes in the whole area.

- Do tell.

- I know of a place where you can get not just manly

butt-holes, but womenly ones too.

Just imagine the carnal pleasures that could take place,

just take my hands, and all can be yours.

- I'm falling in love with the cun of your gin,

grotesque one, I think this is the start of a weird

fucking relationship. - Excellent,

now holdfast, because it's about to be the end of

my fecal adventure.

Oh god, it's coming!

It' huge!

- Hold, damn you!

Hold!

- Hey Joey,

why aren't you out there shaking your dingaling around

all over the place?

Everyone needs a good dongshake at a party.

- I'm just writing down some ideas I have.

- Don't tell me, you're gonna be one of those

no fun Jimmy VanBrunt types, mope around

at your own sex party. - No way,

I will be sexing around this place plenty, you wait.

I'll be with one of these chicks in no time,

but when a good idea hits,

I just have to write it down ASAP, you know.

- You wanna be a filmmaker, right?

- Sorta.

I wanna be president of show business.

I wanna bring back the magic of B movies, and shlock.

I wanna produce films for Scorcese, Spielberg, and Stallone,

you know.

I mean why can't we have big budget versions of stuff

like Sorority Babes in the Slimebowlorama?

Why can't Meryl Streep be in Rabid Grannies?

- And you truly believe this can happen?

- I have to believe, it's all I have, it's my passion.

- Well, I admire your balls.

You go after something that will never come to pass,

yet you push forward.

You need to take those skills, and get your dick wet.

I love that all you guys threw a party for me to get boned,

and what-not, but I kinda don't wanna be with anybody,

unless it's meaningful, you know.

Unless I wanna continue a relationship with 'em.

- Sort of.

I just don't wanna lay, and leave, you know,

it seems cheap. - I'm liking you more and more

Joey Jeremiah,

however, don't let the rest of these guys hear you say that,

they may riot.

Well.

I'm gonna shake my tits and ass around a little,

so if you're interested in a show, you know,

help inspire you a little more, feel free to ogle away.

- What a woman!

- Hey laidboy, why you got you head buried in the notebook?

- Yeah, do you not see all the boobs,

and bush running around this place.

I mean it's like all you can eat clam buffet.

- Come on, indulge. - Okay,

left me hanging a little bit.

- Ill be there in a minute guys, I'm just finishing up

a great movie idea about a bunch of space turds

that invade a New York suburb.

I think I can get someone like Woody Allen,

or Roman Polanski to direct it.

Boom!

- Yeah, you keep dreaming, man,

and me and Lucas here, we'll keep creamin'.

Look out pussy here we come.

- Here comes your total domination.

- I love you man.

Shaka Zulu, Bro.

Let's get outta here.

Okay, so...

Quizar Helix is like this outer space bounty hunter, right?

Yeah, yeah.

- So, this shindig is going pretty good so far,

except look at this bogus crap face over here, right?

What's that all about?

- He's the smartest friend we have, Skippy.

The man needs his brain time to refuel his chi.

You know, just like how we have to double tag Crystal

every night just to regain our sanity

in this world of despair, and hate.

- Of course, I understand.

I will never betray you.

- Thank you, Skippy.

Well, Joey over there, he's got to do the reading,

and the writing, and the edumacating himself,

just to revitalize his life force.

He's a modern man in a modern world, my friend.

- Whatever.

Hope he jizzes on one of those loopy dykes,

before he bores himself to death.

How long do you think it's gonna take

before he buries his tool anyway?

- I don't know Skippy,

but whenever he does, we have to be there,

we have to.

The world depends on it.

- So, which one of you ladies plans on stealing

Joey's sweet cream.

- Not that my son isn't a nice piece of ass,

but count me out.

I'm a wacky ass bitch, but I'm not that wacky.

How about you Crystal?

You've been up and down 50, 60 times on flesh muscles.

Your squishkisser not good enough for my son's

dongenstein.

- I belong to Skippy, and Leo,

besides I have enough cockwoks to satisfy my hunger.

What about you girls?

Nobody wants to do this?

Come on, Joey's our friend, and friends help friends

get laid. - Yeah.

- Oh, he's big.

Remember girls, I have seen this kid

every which way, but fucked,

and he is packing some heat.

It runs in my family, grandma was hung too.

- So we talking like Peter North big,

or like Lexington Steele big.

- More like Warwick Davis big.

- So he's got a humongulous in his pants?

- That's my boy.

Hey Jennifer, maybe you can plan on taking my kid's V-card

this weekend, hey.

- Yeah, maybe.

- I happen to have it on pretty good authority

that he's got a little crush on you.

- Yeah, he loves the way your tits bounce

when you move, and he talks about your moves,

making love in the wind, or some shit.

I don't know it's in his journal, or something.

- He likes my tits, and sensual wind sexing moves,

I had no idea.

- I think we just found the right girl for the job then.

- Jennifer's gonna fuck Joey. Jennifer's gonna fuck Joey.

- Let's make a plan of attack.

Tomorrow night, you're gonna be tasting

my son's dick juices.

- Alright, so these guys, they're talking right,

they're like, I don't know, what's going on.

He's like just listen up clos, alright.

So they got these two baskets,

one of em got Buffalo wings ,

and one of them's got bat wings, right.

And they're sitting there, and they're chatting it up,

right, and they're chatting--

he knows what I'm talking about,

he was there when it happened.

The guy's loving it,

has a headband on, he's strapping along,

walking to the beat of the music, you know what I'm saying.

So then I was like, where did it go,

and she's like, I don't know.

So as you could see it really was the Buffalo wings' fault,

the whole time.

You know what they call wings in Buffalo?

Wings.

Buffalo wings...

Makes my hole burn.

I'm talking about dumbshit over here.

- Hey, have you heard the tale about

the red-headed lesbian roller girl, who was stopped,

and almost killed by a man, who looked, and sounded like

Satan.

- Ew, that story is fucking creepy, don't tell it.

Besides, it's an old wives tale, any way.

- Yeah, that sounds pretty intriguing,

but if you don't wanna hear that one,

I have one about the KKK, they adopted a highway

behind my mom's house. - Man,

nobody wants to hear about a bunch of sheet wearing racists

picking up trash on the road by your mom's house,

unless it ends in an African American zombie gang

getting revenge on the Klan in a savin-like

swath of glory.

- But they adopted a highway man,

don't you get it?

I mean...

Don't you see how fucked up that is?

Life is weird, I gotta go take a piss.

Anybody want me to bring back some brews?

- I'll take a ginny-like cream ale fuckface.

That stuff's freaking tasty.

- That is so you Skippy.

- No, no, no, no.

It's like drinking nectar straight from Mother Mary's

seminiferous tubules

- Okay.

Back to the ghost stories.

What about the curly killer?

- Lame.

Hey Leo, what about you?

You've lived a pretty messed up life.

Do you have any spooky stories to creep us out with

before we go to bed?

- Yeah baby, tell them about the lake.

Dude?

Wait, don't hold out on me, man, what about the lake, dude?

It's me, Lance, dude, don't hold out on me.

- You guys think you can handle such horror?

Yeah.

- Well, hold on to your crotch meat,

cause this fright time story is real.

- Well, I don't know about that.

Seems a little over the top to be real,

but it's a pretty good creepy story.

- Hey, bitch, you better curb your skeptic brain,

or I'll strike across your neck.

- Oo, witch lips.

You know me too well, ladygirl.

Well enough, threatening domestic violence,

I mean Skippy fuckbuddy her,

and let me tell you of the frightening tale

of a terror at Blood Fart Lake.

- Wait, isn't this that story about where that

Jimmy van Brunt expression came from,

and how do you know it's true?

- Because my lovely popgel, crackgeek,

I lived it.

- No you didn't.

oh yeah, you just go ahead and oo and ah,

but I survived that motherfucker twice.

So Blood Fart Lake is cursed,

there was little old Jimmy VanBrunt,

he was a little retard,

a local handicrap.

And all the kids use to pick on him all the time,

his dad was a drunk.

- Oo man, I shouldn't have had all those beers.

I am pissing in the woods,

and it's so damn crazy.

Oo man, what I wanna do to piss all over Crystal's

big fucking jugs.

"Oh, hey Crystal."

"Oh, how about I pour some of my glistening

yellow do all over those huge mountains of yours?"

"yeah."

I am so awesome.

What the fuck?

- Can't beat the electrolytes,

and the heady, thick aroma of sulfur permeates my senses!

- Hey you crunchy wayward transient stop wasting my piss,

who do you think you are?

- Why, I'm Stink Fist's best friend.

- I am Stink Fist.

- Holy Manos!

A Sasquatch!

- No, I'm a Sexsquatch.

And would you mind terribly if I used your body

masturbate with?

- Sure.

Wait!

- Fuck my life!

- I feel young again.

- I was gonna say you look at least ten minutes younger

than the last time I saw ya.

Can you save some butthole for me?

- Fuck you, this butthole is for me!

- Oh my gerf!

Holy jockstrap!

Am I dead?

Is this hell?

- Did somebody catch the number of the semen truck

that hit me last night?

- Think I had this dream...

About two naked Pygmy chicks hanging

all over my springy frame.

They were singing lyrics from the band,

Yes' Topographic Oceans album.

Think I crushed one of em with my stringy thighs.

Hey, you guys seen my donuts?

- Yeah, that's right lady, really push out your chest.

Take a deep breath, and really

feel the wind on your nipples.

What the--

did we--

I mean did we--

No blood, thank God.

- You do know I'm not a virgin, right?

There would be no blood on your dick

if we had sex, Joey, dirty boy.

- Jen, I mean I knew that, I mean,

sorry for spooning you all night, but--

- No, it's okay, I liked it,

but you know, I think you were having some

really fucked up dreams last night about something,

cause your wiener was poking me all night,

and you were saying something about

Thor had sex with my girlfriend, I don't know.

- You must think I'm some kinda like

Jimmy VanBrunt...

Oh my God.

- You guys were insane last night,

put on quite a show.

I don't think I've ever seen so much come.

Speaking of come, where the fuck is Lucas?

- Now that my brain has realigned with my

ocular modules, I can see that Lucas is nowhere to be found.

Come to sniff a bit...

I don't remember seeing him at all last night.

- Yeah, he was going off to take a piss, and...

That's right...

I wondered why I wasn't sucking down a

Jenny Light cream ale.

Fucking fartface.

The nerve of some people.

Hey guys, check this shit out.

You seeing this shit?

I'm like van Damme over here.

I learned this in my dream last night

from some scumbag named Gun Shi.

- Ugh, I can hardly move my face.

Hey guys...

Joey, Jen, have you guys seen Lucas?

- Not at all, I mean,

have you guys seen my mom?

- Hey guys, I made toaster pastries,

and other various sugary breakfast things.

- Hey mom, is Lucas in the house?

- No, unless he's taking a shit.

In fact, I haven't seen him since last night.

- Well, that's when we all last saw him,

something...

Something's not right. - Oh come down, hun,

I'm sure he's fine.

He was drunk as we all were,

he' probably in the woods lying in a puddle of

his own piss and vomit.

Now, who wants food?

- Joey, we can go check in the woods, see if he's in there,

I'll go with you. - Sure,

let's do this, Jennifer, we've got no time to lose.

- He really needs to get laid.

He's such a spaz.

- Yo, master, seen a box of donuts

lying around here somewhere?

- Donuts, I've got toaster pastries, woo-hoo!

- Someone is gonna pay dearly for misplacing my donuts.

I'm gonna be their judge, jury, and executioner.

- Lucas, hey Lucas!

You could come out now, it's me, Joey!

- Hey, calm down.

So while we're away from the pack a minute,

what say you give me a little smooch.

You wanna kiss me now.

While one of our friends is out there,

and we can't find 'em?

I mean...

What if Lucas is dead?

- You need to stop overreacting,

don't go crazy on me, Scotty.

I still need your virginity.

- I mean wha--

What?

My virginity?

- Seems pretty obvious you like me, right?

- I guess my penis poking you in the back

all night, kinda gave that away.

- Well that, and your mom told me.

- Dammit mother.

I'm gonna give that woman such a pinch

right in her little-- - Kiss me, Joey!

Kiss me on my mouth.

- What, wow...

Okay.

Aggressive, cool.

It's kinda one of the things I like about you, Jen.

- You're talking again.

Come here!

- Jennifer, Lucas!

Oh, this is heavy duty, Doc.

- Oh my God!

Lucas!

Lucas is dead!

Stand back, stand back!

Oh my God!

No pulse.

Now, I ain't no doctor or nothing,

but look like he died by having his insides

ripped out, and wrapped around his neck,

in addition, looks like something the size of a baseball bat

ripped out his butthole.

Don't quote me on that, though.

- What the hell could have done this?

- Looks like a fucking mountain goat,

or one of those velociraptor things I keep hearing about.

I mean look at the wounds.

Classic raptor or goat attack.

- Whatever it was...

Looks like it raped his soul, dignity...

Ass.

- Buffalo, blue cheese, chips.

Lucas.

What's going on? - He's gone.

My buddy!

My brother!

The red sun rises, blood has been spilled on this day.

No!

I will avenge you!

* Did you know that the KKK adopted a highway, *

* Just a few miles away from my mom's house. *

* They paid their money and they put up a sign, *

* I guess they dress up in sheets and go pick up the trash. *

* The trash, the trash, they pick up the trash, *

* The trash, the trash, they pick up the trash. *

* They should know it when they see it, *

* They get a good look every day in the mirror. *

* They get a good look every day in the mirror. *

- Jesus Christie, why have you forsaken me?

- Well, I guess the party is canceled.

- We should call the police.

- And I was so excited to get Joey laid too.

- No.

No.

No!

Companions, this party shan't be canceled.

But sugar balls, our friend's been torn apart.

- No!

- No!

Fuck the Police!

Fuck crying!

Fuck going home!

Fuck this movie!

We stay, and we party like we never partied before!

- Man, that's right.

I mean think about it.

Lucas, we want the party to go on.

I mean are we gonna honor his fucking mangled corpse,

and carry on with this party?

I say we do it for Lucas.

We do it for Lucas.

- Yeah.

Yes.

We party...

We fucking party in the name of Joey,

and Lucas' wiener.

- My first instinct is to scream at you all,

and tell you all, you all flipping crazy,

but the more I think about it,

knowing Lucas, and the way he was,

the most logical thing to do...

Is to stay, party,

and get myself totally boned, who's with me?

- Holy shit, these kid are as tenacious as they come.

Are you seeing this?

They're dancing around their dead friend

like a fucking puppet.

They so deserve to be raped and killed.

- Well, the banquet is set.

There's so many to choose from,

now it's just who's next,

who you gonna pick?

I say you go for the ladies first.

Then, you can cut off a pair of those

big old titties, and I can sow them on onto my own chest,

and walk around like Cloris Leachman,

or, you know, somebody elegant,

fancy like.

- You know, I'm gonna say this out loud,

so you can grasp the severity of it,

you creep me the fuck out.

Do you know, how much it takes to freak out the Sexsquatch?

- Thanks wendigo,

quick let's plan your next attack, before the stupid

dude over there, starts dancing the jig.

- You know, I'm not even going to look.

All I want now is to feel the wind in my eyes,

let's go.

* Happy fuck day to you,

* Happy fuck day to you,

* Happy fuck day dear Joey,

* Happy fuck day to you.

- and I even prepared a great present for you.

Mom.

You shouldn't have.

- I sure did.

You deserve all the great sex your heart desires,

and to show you what a great kid you are,

I'm gonna put on a little show for you.

Don't sit on the cake!

You guys went through all this trouble,

I mean, I don't need to see your ass in my cake.

- No, this is something way cooler.

Okay, Joey Jeremiah...

Here we go.

- You're--

You're my--

You're my--

Oh my God, that was so inspiring.

I love each, and every one of you guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Ugh, smells like fucking Long John Silver's in here.

Somebody open a fucking window.

- So...

Who's it gonna be kiddo?

- Who you gonna peel.

Who's gonna take your seed?

- You mean, you want me to tell you all now.

Yeah!

- This has taken some good thought,

and I think all of you ladies are really stellar,

and watch you jiggle, hither and thither.

That really means a lot to me,

that each one of you would let me be with you,

but I think the one girl...

The one girl that takes the cake...

Is Jen for sure.

- I knew it.

- We all knew it.

Well bitch, what say you?

Don't leave em hanging...

Literally.

- You Joey, your mom's ass is tight!

- Yes, Joey, it would be an honor for me to let you

plunder my mossy abyss.

Sweet, this is better than some crappy wedding

any day.

- You guys can take the master bedroom.

There's been so much come dumped down those sheets

little more won't matter, right girl?

Now go, and enjoy, each other's sensuous frames,

and I wanna hear at least two screams of passion,

and it better both be from Joey.

- Goddammit, woman, this isn't about you,

you selfish prick!

This is Joey's time to shine,

you wanna come, do it on your own time, bitch!

Now go make a mess of your privates kids.

- Ten bucks says the kid squirts before he could take

his balls out of her asshole.

- To be nine, and a virgin again.

Those were the days.

Alright pooper scoopers, let's not forget why we be here.

- Party!

What the fuck?

Hey you, walking dingle-berry.

Get the fuck off my property, I may kick your ass again.

- I thought we were sidekicks.

What's with all the hostility?

I mean I though sisters were doing it for themselves.

- I'm gonna throw you to the fucking wolves.

- Well, I've never--

- Jamona!

- Take her butt.

- Ladies, and gentlemen,

your entertainment for this evening,

Stink Fist, and his amazingly realistic puppet pal.

- I love puppets, entertain me!

- (mimicking a woman's voice) Hey Stink Fist,

what's the deal with Doctor Pepper?

I don't know, Phineas James Frinkle Frackle,

what is the deal with Doctor Pepper?

- (mimicking a woman's voice) He must have P.HD,

right chance.

You kill me.

- Wow, you're good Stink Fist,

I didn't even see her mouth move.

- I am a natural.

- Listen Joey, you don't have to do this

if you don't really want to, if you're not ready.

I mean, I know you wanna honor your friends and family

by finally busting clam, but if you're not ready,

we can just talk, and chill out.

- I feel confident with you, Jen.

I mean I think we have a real connection

that transcends time, and space.

- I hate what you just said.

- Look, I know how you feel about my tits, and ass,

so do something about it, like I said,

use that passion for your films, and put it all

over my body.

Make me a work of art by taking your mighty dick,

and using it as a pen.

My pussy is your canvas, mold me.

- Lady, you are so filthy.

- Experience my flavors. - Oo la la.

Freak that bitch out, Tone.

Oh, come on. Oh, I got it.

- Oh man, smoke deli meat seem to be working the best.

Look at how effortlessly they fall betweenst her mounts.

- Hey, let's try urinal target practice.

Let's see how accurate we can be by pissing on her tits.

- I am 100 percent...

Okay with this plan.

Crystal make that cavern extra deep...

I want you to be able to drink out of that cleavage.

- You got it, babe.

But I hate to admit it, Leo has pretty good aim

when it comes to pissing in my cleavage.

- Well I was all star state champion three years running

at the International Cleavage Pissing Games in Germany.

My award hangs proudly next to my mummified head of Hitler,

the various buttholes that I have scalped off people

who fucked me over in the last decade.

I should show you, Muffy, it's some interesting stuff,

I assure ya.

- Oo, I'd love to see your collection of scalped buttholes.

- Whoa, this party is so wicked.

- Hey, where's that bitch with brews?

- Probably ran off, and tried to lick her own

white butt pussy, loopy dyke, it always happens.

You get a bitch alone in a room by herself,

and splat.

Butthole cleaning.

Ain't that the truth.

- I'm gonna figure out what's going on,

don't start the piss tourny without me.

- Well, hurry up, Goddammit.

Fucking queer.

- Hey bro.

Oh, I miss you.

Listen, I just wanna say I'm really sorry

you got your ass blown out by a goat, and killed.

We're still having the party though.

We're having the times of our lives.

Oh dag, bro, it's so hard.

Oh, we were a team, how could you go and leave me

like that?

Who's gonna help me shave the

spare hairs around my dick tip.

Oh, Lucas, I loved you.

Thanks.

Don't judge me.

My former lover is dead.

Take my hand, and I will take you away

from all this death.

- That's a sweat line.

Hey, wait--

wait a minute, what?

What the fuck are you?

- I'm just the guy, who's going to kill you,

crush your skull, and use your brain to lubricate

my creature dong, and that is just the start of

the weird shit I'm going to be doing to you.

- Yeah, well watch me do it.

- You killed Lucas, you son of a bitch.

- Your dick is mine.

Not my shades bro.

Crushing my skull.

- Efficiently crushed now, if only I had some breast milk.

- Lance, I've got some nice freshly squozen tit juice

for you!

Lance!

Big foot

- Gimme that, you stupid bitch.

Hello exquisite bouqet.

Delicious!

I love it.

- I always feel like somebody's watching me.

and now to take you back to my lair, you dummy witch.

- So there I was, knee deep in a pile of whale guts,

not knowing if I was dead or alive.

- The world was created, that simple.

Oh my god. Wow.

Look at these two come stains.

- Oh, tell us all about it.

Did you spill your life all over her subpar titties?

- Oh man.

Come with me, Jennifer.

Alright, what happened?

- Well, I don't know.

Everything was going great, and then...

- I called out my mom's name when I finished.

- Oh man, that is fucking gross.

What is wrong with you?

You got some marginally acceptable chick in bed with you,

you're pumping away, and you're about to pop

your muscular fluids, and you yell, Muffy?

- Mom.

But I said it like mother, you know like Danzig,

like "Mother" .

So embarrassing.

- I just sort of let him finish,

and then rolled him off of me.

It was really creepy.

- Wow.

What a brutal enigma.

So what now?

Now--

do you smell marmalade?

What the hell?

What?

- Kentucky fired fuck woman,

how many times do I have to tell ya

to get off my fun loving property.

- Hey, back off me guy.

I just came here to tell you,

you're all doomed.

Now, wasn't that swell of me?

- What do you mean we're all doomed?

- Look around you, haven't you noticed your numbers

have gotten smaller, and smaller, since you got here?

Where did the buddies go?

- Yup, they're all dead.

What?

- Yup, and not just dead,

but raped real good too, and just regular rape,

but raped even the devil wouldn't approve of.

- You murdering rapist fiend,

how dare you come into our lives,

and murder, and rape my party friends?

- I didn't kill anybody.

- Joey! - Put your hand down, bitch.

- Oh my God. - Oh my God.

- Allow me to introduce myself,

my name is Stink Fist...

The Sexsquatch, and I come from the planet,

Buttsexofprime, I've been sent here to kill,

and murder as many of you stupid humans as possible.

- What!

Who sent ya?

- My overlord, he and I have a bit of running bet going

to see how many earthlings we can rape, and kill,

before the Sabbath.

But that's...

- Tomorrow night.

And I think I have a pretty good chance of winning.

Last night, I heard he conquered only five.

- And you're up to five as well.

- Oo, big tits, and a brain.

Yeah, I've killed five, but I'm about to break that score

with this little dixie. - No!

Wait!

If you need to rape one more, then take me.

I'll give up my bum willingly.

- Who said, I'm just going to be stopping at just one more?

I'm going for a record kid.

I'm going to be sexually destroying all of you.

But I'll start with just this one,

and this sixth bloody rape will be something

your eyes have never beheld before.

It will cause your bowels to loosen thrice over,

and you dead ancestors will feel the willies

after you see what I do to this bitch.

- Joey, help!

- Oh, you didn't see that coming, did ya?

You expected some sort of truly nightmarish sexual atrocity,

weren't ya, and you got that shit, fuck it.

- Alright, fuck fur, I've raised my dander,

and now I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain.

- Step to me.

- No retreat, no surrender.

- Yes baby, get him.

- Unhand my ladygirl's chest, you pile of custard.

Now take my knee in your cunt crease.

- It hurts!

- Popping off, will, chi, bitch, dick--

- I'll blow your soul amiss, I'll damn you to hell.

- I got her. you get her.

I got her. you get her.

I got her. you get her.

I got her. you get her.

- You're bludgeoning my cooter,

I'm actually bleeding from the

onslaught of your knee vengeance.

- Skippy, that was utterly amazing.

- That's why God made Skippy, babe.

That's why God made Skippy babe

- Now, I'm gonna tell you one last time,

get the fuck off my property, and take that weird-as-fuck

Sexsquatch with ya, or so help me Stamos,

I will...

It take more than some porny corn rap martial arts

to take down my super body.

Now, prepare your assholes for my 25 inch space holes,

I call it the deathamator.

- Well, this is it guys.

Quick, let's have a three way before he kills us.

- Feel the fury (singing heavy metal style)

of the Sexquatch.

- I'll take care of him.

- Shabbat Shalom motherfucker.

- Warlock, Marmalade's getting away.

- Not, on my watch.

- It's beautiful.

Thanks Warlock.

Well, I don't know about you guys,

but I could go for a blow job,

and munch on a Toblerone,

and cool glass of Colostrum.

- I think I can help with all three of those things,

sweetie.

What are we going to do about all the bodies laying

around on the property?

- Let the goats unwrap this freaking carcasses,

they'll be gone by dusk.

- I'll take care of Jennifer's body, guys.

I'm thinking of having her stuffed.

Having her stuffed.

You stuffed her earlier with you wiener.

- I actually don't get it.

Hey...

Warlock left me my donuts.

Fartface betrayed me, and ate my donuts.