All language subtitles for Pandora.and.the.Magic.Box.1965

(film roll rattling)

(drum music)

(harp music)

- Oh, why hello there.

I'm Aphrodite, Goddess of Love.

Oh, you think I'm a little
young to be a Goddess?

Well I'm not really that young.

You won't believe this but
I'm almost 8,000 years old.

Or is it nine?

Well, what's the difference?

I always lie about
my age anyway.

When I was really young
I was the wildest.

I used to do all kinds of things

to make people
romantic and sexy.

Why even today whenever
a boy or a girl,

you know, you can be sure
I'm there supervising or

maybe peeking a little.

And if they fight it, sometimes
they don't realize that it's

bigger than both of them.

I do all kinds of cute
little things like

maybe spiking a martini
with a jig of love potion.

Or making a shoulder strap
break just the right time.

Or maybe sprinkling whole
forests with lust dust.

Which reminds me,
once a long time ago,

maybe 300 years before
the Trojan war even,

I really caused an
interesting evening with a

sprinkling of lust dust.

There was this Greek hero
with the big muscles and all,

his name was Theseus.

(waves splashing)

(exhales)

- It's great to be
ashore again where a man

can get a little exercise.

(waves splashing)

- That's not Theseus,
that's Nereus.

He likes to stay in condition.

(waves splashing)

- Yes, and I understand

these Cretan palm
aids are excellent.

Oh hey, that sea air is
really drying out my skin

and I'm almost out of body oil.

- That's not Theseus,
that's Leander.

He's pretty and he knows it.

- Oh, land again, we've
been at sea so long

every time I go over
a bump in the road

I look for a rail to hang over.

(waves splashing)

- That's Theseus.

- Alright fellas, let's shape up

like a bunch of Greek heroes.

Confound it Nereus, put
down that stupid rock.

I say put down that stupid rock.

(bang)

Ah!

(screaming)

And you, all the
time with my oil.

(whistle and bang)

Him and his gall flam grease.

(harp music)

Alright you guys,
let's straighten up

and look like a couple
of Greek heroes.

That's better.

Now I suppose you're wondering
what out next mission is.

Well, we're going to
find a missing child.

The rightful heir to
the throne of Crete.

First we're going to talk to
her Uncle, Kind Minos of Crete.

Onto Minos' palace.

- As Theseus marches
towards the palace of Minos

Zita and Kiva, two
beautiful sirens,

women who lured sailors to
the rocks, watch his approach.

- They're coming closer,
where's Bonar been all day?

- At Thermopylae Downs.

- The horses again?

- Alright, let's
not knock the nags.

Horse racing is a clean sport.

- I know.

You've never left the track

without being
thoroughly cleaned.

- Come to think of it, the
track is the only place

where the windows
clean the people.

- Kiva, here they come.

- Ooh, yeah.

Some prospects, just when
our pirating business

looked like it was on the rocks.

Now let me evaluate
for a minute.

Two muscular guys and their jerk

against two broads and a--

- Coward?

- Uh, lucky thing for
you that I happen to be

a gentlemen, a
scholar and a coward.

Now quickly, let's put
plan 3-A into effect.

And remember no getting
cozy with the clients.

- Just about the same
time Bonar the pirate

is preparing to receive
Theseus and his party

King Minos is being
informed of this Greek hero

and his mission.

Scylla, his wife, seeing his
mood tries to cheer him up.

(upbeat music)

(hands smacking)

- You're crushing the
pleats on my toga.

- You look bored, I'd like
to do a little entertaining.

Let's invite the king and
queen of Cronus for a feast.

- I'm in no mood to have
your assist and her husband

clouding up the palace
for and evening.

- After the banquet they gave
us we should reciprocate.

- Reciprocate?

After that banquet
we should retaliate.

(upbeat music)

- Let's invite the king
and queen of Rhodes.

He's a handsome scoundrel.

- [Minos] But she's
such an old bat.

- [Scylla] Oh, she isn't so old.

- Isn't so old?

She's so wrinkled
that when she smiles

she looks like a venetian blind.

- Oh, you exaggerate.

- I heard she went
to a plastic surgeon

to have her wrinkles tightened
up and he over did it.

Now every time she
raises her eyebrows

it pulls up her stockings.

(upbeat music)

- Darling, let's invite
the king and queen of Troy.

- Oh, those two.

- She's pretty.

- And she's such a bore.

She's so used to
getting her own way

she writes in her
diary four weeks ahead.

And him, he's so henpecked
each night the dog walks him.

(upbeat music)

- When will the new Captain
of the Guard arrive?

- [Minos] Any hour now.

- Oh, whom will he be?

- Kalak of Macedonian.

- Oh, a Greek.

(kiss smack)

(upbeat music)

- One thing I'll
never understand,

in the passed two
years we've had

four Captain's of the Guard

all big strapping muscle men

at least 200 pounders,

after six months in our service

they each applied for retirement

a skinny 94 pound weakling.

I don't understand.

- There, this should make
the new captain feel at home.

Do I look Grecian enough?

- You look Grecian
enough to step right out

of your very own restaurant.

(upbeat music)

- Oh boy, look at
that Queen of Crete.

(bang ang thunder roaring)
- Ooh.

- That's Zeus, my father.

Father of all the Gods.

Mother watches him like a hawk.

But he's quite a guy.

He's got a lot of
tricks that scoundrel.

Take that box for instance.

He's been caring it
around for six months

now mother's getting a
little taut about it.

- I'll just scream if I don't
find out what's in that box.

Well I'm gonna walk right
over there and ask him.

- Alright already stop the
dancing in there here she comes.

(bang)

- Oh, watching that vulgar
Queen of Crete again, ay?

- Vulgar?

I think she's very fashioning.

- Hm?

- Like you have to
admit in her clothes

she always shows distinction.

- In her clothes she
always shows distinctly.

Take that dress for instance.

Shows everything but good taste.

What's in the box?

- What's in the box?

- What's in the box?

Isn't that a
reasonable question?

- Yeah it's a
reasonable question

and it deserves a
reasonable answer.

Too bad I can't find one.

- What's in the box?

- What's in the box?

Trouble's is in the box.

- Troubles?

- Troubles, big troubles of
all kinda shapes and sizes.

- Where'd you find them?

- Down there among the mortals.

I felt sorry for
the poor schnooks

so I ran around among them and

found as many troubles as
I could lay my hands on

and I put them all in this box.

- Well now let's see,
whatever's in this box--

- Troubles are in
the box, troubles.

- Don't try to confuse me.

Alright, it's troubles.

Troubles of assorted
shapes and sizes

and that you can
get your hands on.

- Oh boy, you have an evil mind.

Up-ah!

Don't touch the lid, the
troubles might escape

and infest Mt. Olympus.

Then I might have
to go down again

and gather as many troubles
as I could lay my hands on.

- If mother buys that she'd
love professional wrestling.

- You know they tell
me the Queen of Crete

is a terrible gossip.

Even from here you can see
she's a real busy body.

- You know, my mother warned me.

She did everything she could
to stop you from marrying me.

- You mean that old witch

tried to stop me
from marrying you?

- She certainly did.

- Oh, how I've
wronged that woman.

Now now, there's something
interesting to see.

(upbeat violin music)

Pretty as a picture
with a frame to match.

(upbeat violin music)

- All I can say to you

is watch yourself!

(upbeat music)

- Oh boy, a boy
doing a man's job.

I think I'll just have
to slip down there and

well, what am I gonna do
with this confounded box?

I can't leave it laying around.

That woman'll open it
just as sure as I'm

(laughing)

scheming lovely thoughts
for that little girl.

Nah, I'll have to find
a gullible schnook

someone I can trust who can
guard it until I ask 'em for it.

Huh, that Queen of Crete,

she's got movement like
a Tindrock McClock.

She alarms all the
wives in the vicinity

and awakens their husbands.

Oh boy.

- But I can't seem to
please you anymore.

- It's always the
same old stuff.

Always the same old stuff.

(exhales)

Besides, my spies brought word
that Theseus is approaching.

- So?

- So, he's gonna
take in a mission

to find my late sister's child,

the rightful ruler of Crete.

- But your sister died
while giving birth

in the wilds of far off Lobos.

Even if the child lives
Theseus could never find her.

- But if he did
you'd have to go back

to your old profession.

- The oldest profession.

- The oldest profession
dear and I'd have to go back

to selling and I don't
relish that idea.

- What can we do about it?

- Steer Theseus wrong,
into the jaws of disaster.

- How can you steer him?

- By sending along
Pandora, our servant.

- But how can a loli slave?

- How can a loli slave
lead a Greek hero astray?

(clapping smacks)

See what I mean.

First, you get her
one of your gowns.

One of those barbed
wire dresses you wear.

- Barbed wire dress?

- You know, the kind that
protects the property

without obstructing the view.

Now to make sure she
carries out our orders.

Pandora, would you
like to be free?

- Free?

Oh, I'd give anything.

- Anything?

She might just have to do that.

Pandora, I've been a good
and kind master haven't I?

- Oh yes your highness.

- If you succeed
in leading Theseus

away from the land of Lobos
I offer you your freedom.

- You'll be free Pandora.

Free to marry or
anything you like.

- I can't believe it.

- But you must
carry out our plans.

First you must lead
Theseus to Circee's island.

If he gets by her
then you must lead him

into the land of the Amazons.

Do you understand?

- Perfectly your majesty.

Your orders will be carried out.

I do yearn for my freedom.

- The new Captain of
the Guard is here.

- (Minos) Send him in.

So you're Kalak from Macedon.

You're to be my wife's
personal body guard.

(calm music)

- And this body needs
to be guarded closely.

Very closely.

Do you understand?

- I'll do my best your majesty.

- Pandora, show the
Captain to his quarters.

- No need Pandora, I'll show
the Captain his quarters.

I'll show the
captain everything.

Everything.

- You know my dear,
you won't believe this

but I used to be built
like that Macedonian.

So were our last four
Captain's of the Guard.

- While the Queen of
Crete shows Kalak,

the new Captain of the
Guard, a thing or two,

Bonar and his two
beautiful sirens

are putting plan
3-A into effect.

- Alright, here they come,
get ready for action.

- Wait, intelligence for once.

(bang)

Mm-hm, just as I thought,
there's not report

of a bistol around
here, must be an ambush.

- We best proceed with caution.

This is a territory dominated
by the infamous pirate Bonar.

(rattling)

- The report on the scoundrel.

Mm-hm, Bonar, Cretan pirates.

In Athens he was charged
with picking his way

through a crowd at the
celebration of Diana.

- Well picking one's way
through a crowd is no crime.

- But he picked his way
through a pocket at a time.

And that's just one of
the long list of crimes.

- It's rumored he's so crooked

that every time he
counts his money

he stands in front of a mirror.

He doesn't trust himself
out of his sight.

- He picked my pockets all
he'd get would be practice.

- Alright, no snide
remarks about back pay.

You two stay here while I
go into the enemy's camp.

- Don't you think
we should all go in?

- Who's the legendary Greek
hero around here anyway?

- [Nereus And Lander] You sir.

(upbeat music)

- Ah yes sir-y you're just
in time for the floor show.

And you're in luck, one
table left in the blue room.

Put it there.

- Put what there?

- Well you know what you
got, put it on the wood.

- But I just came in
for some directions.

- Don't I know you
from somewhere?

Were you here before?

- Oh yes I've been
in Crete before

but for a good many
years I've been abroad.

- Yeah you, for a good many
years you've been abroad?

Well, all I can
say is that surgeon

he did a good job on you.

What can I do for
you sir or whatever?

- How far is it
to the next town?

- 10 miles in that direction.

But there's no action there
the action is all here.

- But I'm supposed to go--

- No no, those towns are dead.

Why, they're so small the city
limit signs are back to back.

Why, after six o'clock they
stand the sidewalks on end

and use 'em for tombstone.

- Well I guess I gotta go now.

- Ah-Ah-Ah, too bad the
floor show is just beginning.

Yes indeed.

(drum music)

- Baby, how do I look?

- Like a million drachma's.

- And just as hard to make.

(rattling)

- That girl's got more talent
than I thought she had.

Yes my dear, right.

Would you like a
tongue sandwich?

- No I never eat anything that
comes from an animal's mouth.

- You said you
never eat anything

that comes from
an animal's mouth?

- No.

- Well then how about
a couple of eggs?

- Not today.

(drum music)

- You see anything
else you like?

- Yeah.

- I mean anything on the plater.

- Well if she'd you
know hold it steady

for a couple of seconds
I could make up my mind.

- Ah.

- Perhaps before
she came out front

she was back
churning some butter

or grinding some coffee or
shaking a martini or something.

- It's just her
vibrant personality.

Yeah, but mister, buddy,

don't fool with her
unless you mean business.

- Why not?

- Well she's like good
paint, once you stir her up

she's hard to get
off your hands.

(drum music)

Anything else you'd like?

(laughing)

- Yeah.

What's that?

- Ham.

- Is it fresh?

- Is it fresh? Why that
ham was cured last week.

- Looks like it had a relapse.

- Yeah, well then
how about this cheese

imported from Switzerland?

- That cheese is imported
from Switzerland?

- Imported from Switzerland.

- Are you sure it
wasn't deported.

(laughing)

- I think your proboscis
is working overtime.

Yes.

I see that I can't interest
you in anything to eat.

- Oh I don't, how
are your prices?

- How hungry are you?

- I'm so hungry I
could eat like a horse.

- Oh, to eat like a
horse, 20 drachmas.

But if you wanna eat like
a human, 200 drachmas.

- 200 hundred.

- AH ah ah, wait, wait, wait.

Don't be impetuous.

Why don't you try one of
our 20 drachmas steaks

super special.

- 20 drachmas, now
that's reasonable enough.

- How would you like it?

- Medium rare.

- Medium rare, one
porter horse steak.

- Porter horse steak?

Whoa, scratch that.

Entree.

(horse yelping)

Look I'll just pass on the food.

What I need now is drink.

- Well we have everything.

- What is this, what is this?

I'll try one of these
rainbow trout cocktails.

- One rainbow trout.

Wait 'til you taste
this trout, it is the

(kiss smack)

most delicious ever.

Ah-ha.

(spring boinging)

- Fella, that was some drink.

Well, buddy I gotta get going.

I gotta go on a mission.

I gotta find the rightful
heir to the crown of Crete.

Whomever she might be, whomever
she'll be worth millions.

- Would you say that again?

- I'm gonna go find the rightful
heir to the crown of Crete.

- It's time for us to go in now.

- Mine?

- Oh go right ahead,
why in these parts

woman are a tenth of
a drachma a dozen.

- A tenth of a drachma a dozen?

And I'll my life
I've bee squandering
money on jelly beans.

- Are you alright Theseus?

- May I help you gentlemen?

- Nereus, Lander, come join us.

(playful music)

- It takes a little time to
get to the palace of Minos

from the robber's rust in.

And it takes a little time,

even for a fast
workers like Scylla,

to break in the new Captain
of the Guard to his duties.

At the moment Scylla is
at the feet of her king

and Theseus and his party are
at the door of the palace.

- Your Majesties,
Theseus of Corinth.

(trumpet music)

- Ah, Theseus.

Theseus of Corinth,

to what do I owe the
pleasure of your visit?

- We have reason to believe
in the existence of a child,

your long lost niece
and we're on a mission.

To find the child.

- Oh, if you only could.

- You will give us aid?

- I intend to give
you more than that.

I'll give you Pandora
our most trusted servant.

(spring boining)

She will guide you to where
my niece would be living.

- Then you know where she is.

Why would you try
to find her before?

- Oh we have but it's a
very dangerous journey.

Every man we've
sent has either been

turned into pork sausages
on Circee's island

or chopped into mincemeat
in the land of the Amazons.

- Well, that doesn't bother me.

- I'm glad.

- Oh I'm glad you're glad.

- Oh.

- Does the child have any
identifying marks on her?

- She has a birthmark
in the shape of a crown,

as have all we royalty of Crete.

- Where might this mark be?

- Really?

- Oh.

- Yes, on the right hand side.

- Well ah, we're grateful for
your assistant your Majesty.

- Remember, this is
a dangerous journey.

First you must secure passage
through Circee's island.

- Nothing taunt me.

(bangs)

Onto Circee's island.

(whistle)

- Oh.

I'm sorry, my sworn.

- Good journey my friend.

Now I'd like a last farewell

with my trusted servant Pandora.

A private farewell
if you please.

Remember my
instructions Pandora.

If you follow them
you have freedom.

Do you hear?

Freedom.

- You needn't
worry, I'll follow.

(suspicious music)

(laughing)

- After that deal
my father knows

to whom he can entrust his box.

- You Theseus, I
command you halt .

- Who are you?

- I'm an oracle.

- You're an oracle?

- Not an oracle, an oracle,
a plain old everyday oracle.

I command you take
this box and guard it

and its contents with your life.

- What's in the box?

- In the box is troubles.

Now I command you take the box.

- We can't take an old box,
especially one with troubles.

We're on a mission.

- You heard me, I
command you take the box.

(thunder roaring)

- Are you sure you're a plain
ordinary everyday oracle?

- Just take the box.

(thunder roaring)

Now don't forget,
don't open the box.

(thunder roaring)

Now be on your way.

(screaming)

(birds chirping)

(whistling)

- Are you sure you're a plain
ordinary everyday oracle?

(thunder roaring)

Alright already, plain
ordinary everyday oracle.

- Oh sometimes these mortals
can be so exasperating.

But sometimes, now to take
care of that little lady

in the forest of the Opals.

(upbeat music)

- Takes much longer
to find me now.

Used to be you could catch
me almost immediately.

- That's because, because
you, you've grown up.

- Is growing up sad?

Why do you always
look at me like that?

Am I funny looking?

- No, you're not funny looking.

- Did I say something
to offend you?

- I, I better be going.

(upbeat music)

- Alright, I see you down there.

The only lecherous
tree in the forest.

Get up here this instant.

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Making a fool of
yourself over that child.

Oh and get those stupid
leaves off of you.

(thunder roaring)

- Theseus.

- Yes?

- Why have you dedicated
yourself so unselfishly

to the task of searching
for missing persons?

- Ever since I was a little
boy I've been searching.

Yes, my parents and my
twin brother and myself

were crossing a wilderness.

We camped and in the
middle of the night

there was this frightful noise.

A pack of wolves
had entered out tent

and taken my brother away.

Ever since that night I've been

hunting and searching and
searching and hunting.

- And you found no trace of him?

- But I haven't given up hope.

As I've dedicated my
life to people who have

loved ones among the missing.

- I understand.

Ah, don't you have a girl?

- What'd I do with a girl?

- Oh well I'm sure you
could think of something.

I'll just bet you've
had your share of women.

- Sure, women throw
themselves at me.

That is they throw
themselves at me

after they've run out of rocks.

- Oh nonsense, now you
are a very attractive man.

Haven't you ever
thought of, of marriage.

- Sure I've thought of marriage.

When I think about it it
would scare me half to death.

- Oh but weddings
are so beautiful.

- I hate weddings.

- You hate weddings?

- My personal experiences with
weddings has been very bad.

After the last wedding

I got a black eye for
kissing the bride.

- For kissing the
bride, who hit you?

- Her husband.

- But it's customary
to kiss the bride

after the wedding ceremony.

- But four years after?

- Oh now that couldn't have
turned you against marriage.

- I've discovered early in life

that a heaving bosom
is really a hope chest.

- Oh now that's very cynical.

What if all men felt like that?

After all it takes two
to make a marriage.

- Yes it does, it takes
two to make a marriage.

A single girl and
an anxious mother.

- Oh, you sound bitter.

- Well, perhaps I am.

But, there was a girl once.

- Ah, I thought so.

- I met her on a
black sea cruise boat.

That was the first
time I saw her.

She had on a dress that
fit her like a sun burn.

She looked so curvaceous,
she looked so soft

that she made everyone
else look hard.

Especially the men, yes
the men looked the hardest.

- Well, what happened to her?

- Oh I went with
her for a while.

I even asked her for
her hand in marriage.

Oh, she asked me what
my prospects were.

And I told her all about myself.

And I said I had
expectations of coming into

a considerable fortune from
my wealthy uncle Panus.

Then I didn't hear from
her for about a month.

I was frank.

Then I finally got
a letter, it said

"Dear Theseus, I find
through circumstances

"that is necessary for us to
discontinue our relationship.

"I hope you understand.
Signed, your aunt."

- Oh, what a dirty trick.

Your comrades, are
they too unattached?

- Nereus and Leander?

(laughing)

Nereus thinks that
girls cut his wind

and Leander, Leander's
so involved with himself

that he couldn't really
be involved with a girl.

- Oh, he seemed so vain.

- Vain?

(laughing)

In his casinule back in Lemnos

he has a mirror on
the bathroom ceiling

so he can watch himself gargle.

Well, it's been a long day.

You're a, you know you're
a very sweet girl Pandora.

(dramatic music)

- Say daddy-o.

Like, what happened to you?

- My son the guard.

Your mother and I had
a fight last night.

She threw my clothes
out of the bedroom,

down the stairs, into the yard--

- Yeah yeah yeah, but, like
how did you get ruffled?

- I was in them.

But don't worry, I got even.

This morning I beat her up.

- Whoa, like you hit mumsy?

- No big shot, no no.

I didn't hit her, I beat her up.

I got up at six and
she got up at seven.

- Oh, so what's that dad,

some kind of a big
it leave in deal?

- No, I was up a
whole hour before her.

Now she's worried where
I was for a whole hour,

that's how I got even.

Now, what are you
doing down here?

- Mumsy sent me to keep
an eye on you daddy-o.

- Oh-oh-oh, by my
big shot son, huh?

And who's gonna
keep an eye on you?

(thunder roaring)

- Oh pop, cool it
with the sparks, huh?

Now she's hip to
where both of us are.

- [Hera] Alright, I heard you.

What or whom are you up to?

Nevermind, both of you
get up here this instant!

(water splashing)

- Oh look, look the
island of Circee.

- Someone should
advise that girl

regarding her
personal day dreamers.

- Oh, that odor?
It's from her pigs.

- Then someone
should advise them.

- Look at that cloud
hanging over it.

I've never seen a cloud
like that anywhere else.

- There's not a cloud
like that anywhere else.

This one's made
entirely of vultures.

- Yeah, look at that sea.

- So valen and savage.

- Oh, look at it go up and down.

Up and down, up and ugh I
can hardly contain myself.

- If you don't stop that I
won't be able to contain myself.

- Here comes a boat,
look at it toss.

- You want me or Leander
to go in Theseus.

- No Nereus, this is dangerous.

It's my duty to go.

- Look at that
boat, pitch and row.

Pitch and row.

- Oh Leander, please Leander.

- Oh Theseus, Theseus they
say she turn men into swine.

Please be careful.

- Take these Theseus,
they counteract

the effect of Circee's powers.

- Oh, superstitious
poppy cot my friend.

But maybe you got
something for seasickness?

- Hey, a boat just pulled
into shore Theseus.

- Uh, oh look at that fairy men.

- And what a crocked body.

- They say he's mind's so twist

I'd have to screw his hat on.

- He's a monster alright.

- Well at least he
can't be two-faced.

If he was he wouldn't be
wearing the one he's got on now.

- Let us accompany you Theseus.

- Oh, out of the question.

(exhales)

Now for another short boat trip.

Now I know what they
mean when they say

a boat trip brings
out the best in one.

(adventurous music)

(water bubbling)

That black cloud,
by Zeus it's dark.

(suspenseful music)

- What's the matter, tense?

Drink this, it'll
sooth your nerves.

- Ah, I could turn
myself into a bull again.

Nah, she's onto that one too.

- That Circee's at it again.

Wasn't her mother that
witch that you used to--

- Ah ah ah ah, it was strictly
a professional relationship.

We took turns performing
feets of magic.

First I'd show her a
trick or two and then--

- And then she'd show
you a thing or two.

I'll never forget that
chariot ride she took you on.

- Yeah.

Hey, while she was
driving she turned into a

bouquet of flowers,
into a kangaroo,

into a dragon--

- And then she turned
into a roadside inn.

(water bubbling)

- Theseus.

Theseus.

(suspenseful music)

I say Theseus of Corinth.

- Tense?

(whistling)

(whistling)

- Where is Theseus?

(grunting)

- So Theseus and his friends

passed through the
domain of Circee.

And several days later
were on the borders

of the land of the Amazons.

Fierce some very
unladylike girls.

With an unmistakable odor
of a locker room about them.

King Minos got wind of the
events on the isle of Circee.

The wind was in the
right direction that day.

So he and Scylla hurried
to the land of the Amazons.

He knew the Amazons
would stop Theseus

but he wanted to make sure.

Scylla wanted to make
anybody she could.

Now, in the land of the Amazons

there lived a wild
man named Erg.

(drum music)

Erg had been brought
up by the wolves

and he had all the instincts
of his foster parents.

(screaming)

(playful music)

See what I mean,
he drove them wild.

And that wasn't all, he
constantly harassed them.

The circles under their
eyes became larger

because they couldn't
take their beauty naps.

And it was getting so they were
afraid to lie down anywhere.

(suspenseful music)

(tapping)

(howling)

It wasn't that they
didn't try to catch him.

Sometimes they even
had him cornered.

But he fought back
savagely like a wolf.

(howling)

Then he'd return to his layer

where he'd savor the results
of his hunting and eat.

(crunching)

If the Amazons hated
and distrusted men

Erg was certainly
the main reason.

(frogs croaking)

(playful music)

And since men were banned from
the country of the Amazons

and since Scylla
had no intention

of getting involved
with a bunch of women,

King Minos had to make
a few adjustments.

And they were mainly
in his clothing.

- This is non-sensical.

Why don't you just go in
and warn them about Theseus.

- Women have never liked
me you know very well

that as soon as I
walk into a place

they show their claws
and arch their back.

- Perhaps they wouldn't
go that if you didn't

switch your tail so violently.

- Here, how do I look?

- Ravishing.

(drum music)

- Yoo-Hoo.

Captain, my body needs guarding.

Uh there's something
moving among the rafts.

In the forest over there.

An animal, a very large animal.

I'd feel safer if you
were a little closer.

Like, so close that if
someone shot an arrow

or anything you'd be
here to guard the body.

Completely.

That's better.

Say, are you loosing weight?

You look a little pinked.

(silly music)

- Well, here we
are in the border.

Tonight I'll go in alone.

- Alone?

- Why of course.

I always go in alone.

- Oh you've had such
a wonderful life

so full of excitement
and adventure.

Is it really true what they say

about the land of the Cyclops?

Is everything really
as big as they say?

- Immense.

Why the cows there are so tall

they need Swiss bell
ringers to milk them.

And you never saw
a land so green.

Considering they don't
have any rain, just dew.

One morning a man
stepped off his porch

and that afternoon they were
dragging the dew for his body.

(silly music)

- I can't help think
about your twin brother.

How would you recognize
him if you ever found him?

- Well, I wouldn't know him
unless he had a pin like this.

He had it on when
he disappeared.

It was holding up his diapers.

(growling)

A tiger.

I'll take care of him.

(tiger growling)

- Oh.

- He got away.

- When the beast was in
the air leaping at you

you had a clear shot of
his belly with your sword.

- When he was in the air

I didn't like the expression
on his face for a rug.

(silly music)

(drum music)

(adventurous music)

(mumbling)

- Would you please
direct me to your leader?

- I am the leader.

What are you doing in
the land of the Amazons?

Strange woman.

And I do mean strange.

- I've come to warn
you about an invasion.

- An invasion?

- There's a strong force of
men poised on your borders.

Under the leadership of Theseus.

Theseus, a renowned
warrior of the Greeks.

- Never heard of him.

But we'll stop him if that's
what you're worried about.

- I do then and a fond farewell.

- Where do you
think you're going?

(screaming)

Once a woman enters our
camp there's no leaving.

The only way you get out of here

is to lose an individual
combat to a man

then you're banished.

So sit down and relax.

- Oh, what a lovely stone.

- The symbol of authority
among the Amazons.

Traditionally the
queen always wears it.

- Aren't you going to
warn them about the enemy?

- There's time.

Besides, I'd like
to chat for a while.

It's not often I
have an opportunity

to talk to someone different.

And sister you are different.

Sometimes I get so
bored with this job.

- Alright, but they, they
might be almost upon us.

That Theseus, the
renowned Greek warrior,

is a very sneaky one.

- Oh, alright.

(dong)

This, this newly adopted
sister has brought news

of an invasion of men.

- Men!

Alright girls, are we gonna
make mince meat out of 'em?

- [Girls] Yeah! Yeah!

- Are we gonna let 'em
take over our country?

- [Girls] No!

- Don't forget, men are coming.

Alright, get your weapons ready.

- No no no.

Remember, you're Amazons.

(drum music)

(bang)

(frogs croaking)

(drum music)

- [Girls] Come on let's go!

(screaming)

- This is no grape
crush, this is war!

(dong)

(drum music)

(dong)

- There, how'd you like that?

(dong)

- I said, how'd you like that?

- It was lovely
but so strenuous.

It was nice while
it was going on

but now that it's over
everybody's a frightful mess.

(drum rolling)

- Where do you
think you're going?

Come back here!

(upbeat music)

- The woman, she's
gone, after her.

- [Girls] Come on, let's go!

(screaming)

- [Woman] Now we have fight.

- That should make you happy.

- You call yourself our leader.

The girls are getting
soft and lazy.

We should always be at war.

The girls would be happy,
their minds would be occupied.

- Perhaps they would be happy
if their minds were occupied.

But I suspect they'd
be even happier

if there was someone around

to keep their bodies
a little busier.

- I'll go in and recon order.

I'll find out where
their pickets are

and then tomorrow night
we'll slip in through.

(frogs croaking)

- Go away sister,
can't you see I'm busy?

- Break it up, it's me.

- We were just
practicing a new thing in

artificial respiration.

Mouth to mouth breathing.

- What was wrong with
the old fashioned method?

- Oh, that was very good
too but with this one--

- You can explain
the innovations

in life saving to me later.

We can go back to Crete now.

- Have you warned the Amazons?

- Oh yes, they are
a tweety bunch.

They were in a
frenzy when I left.

They'll put an end to
Theseus' search alright.

You know, the more I look at him

the more anemic he seems to get.

(calm music)

(frog croaking and drum music)

(eerie enchanting music)

(spring boings)

- Oh, he's been captured by now.

- Captured, who?

- Theseus.

- How do you know?

(whistling)

- Hey pop.

Hey, like, what are you
doing sacking out here, huh?

- Your mother and I
had words last night.

You know son, one thing
I'll never understand.

Why is it that whenever
your mother and I have words

I never get to use mine?

(laughing)

What are you laughing at?

- Oh the way those
crazy Amazon chicks

have old Theseus tied up.

Yes, like they're
keeping him very cool.

- Only one man approaches.

- I'll take a patrol and
we'll take him apart.

- Only one man, I'll take
min on an individual combat.

- Individual combat?

You'll be banished if you lose.

- I'm not worried about that.

Everybody behind the rocks.

And remember, whatever
happens don't interfere.

(trumpet music)

(upbeat music)

(clicks and clacks)

- You're wonderful.

I can swim 10 miles, throw
the javelin, run the marathon,

I can kill a deer at 15
hundred yards with one arrow.

Can you cook?

(bang)

You've got me.

- I only want
Theseus of Corinth.

(trumpet music)

- Wait, he'll be killed
if I don't defeat him.

(hypnotizing music)

(bang)

(spring boings)

(frogs croaking)

- Let's get outta here.

- I want to pass
through your land.

I hope my comrades
and I will not have to

fight our way through.

- It's alright with me
but you better get through

before that one thaws out.

(bell rattling)

(bell rattling)

- Well, we're finally out
of the land of the Amazons.

But where are we?

You told us that you
knew where the long lost

princess of Crete was.

- I know, I've been
telling you lots of things.

But there's one thing
I didn't tell you.

- What's that?

- Well, I'm a terrible liar.

I guess you'll never
wanna see me again.

Maybe I should just
go back to Crete.

- Well, you could stay with us.

But just don't say anything.

We better move out.

I don't know where
we're moving out to but

we better move out.

(calm music)

(frog croaking)

This looks as good a
place as any, yeah?

We'll make camp here tonight.

- We're going to wander
around forests forever

looking for a ghost?

- She could be on the
other side of the world.

- No she couldn't, remember
the world is still flat.

- I'm going for a walk
through the forest.

(upbeat music)

- There are people
in the forest.

- People?

- Yes I saw them.

I saw a very handsome muse.

He didn't see me.

(drum music)

- What are you doing here?

- I was banished
for losing to you.

I'd like that return match now.

- I'll give you one,
but not right now.

I'm not in the mood.

(bang)

(drums rattling)

(frog croaking)

- I think I'll
take a stroll too.

- Hey fella, hey oracle!

I wanna give you back your box!

- Well I think I finally
got rid of that pest.

(laughing)

What do we have here?

(calm music)

- Glad I finally
caught up with you.

I wanna return your box.

Hey, I wanna return your box.

Aren't you the everyday
ordinary oracle?

- Yes, I'm the everyday
ordinary oracle.

- Well, I wanna return your box.

- Go away, go away, can't
you see I'm operating.

- Well I don't know if
you're operating or not

but you're certainly
making a very

thorough examination of someone.

You're a doctor too eh?

Beside being an everyday
ordinary oracle.

- No, I'm not a doctor.

- Aha, practicing
without a license, huh?

- I'm not practicing with
or without a license.

In fact I'm very
much out of practice.

Now be a good boy
and run along, huh?

(thunder roaring)

Now take your box and get outta
here until I ask you for it.

- Are you sure you're
an everyday ordinary
household oracle?

(thunder roaring)

- Now this is where
I decide to step in.

Things are a little
too quite and

no one is like swinging.

So I think I'll stir
up a little action.

I'll take a couple of
hands full of lust dust

and sprinkle them all over.

(harp music)

Now the place will jump.

(soft music)

(harp music)

(upbeat music)

(drum music)

(harp music)

(bang)

- I'd like that
return match now.

(harp music)

(boing)

- Ready?

- Not quite.

(bang)

(boing)

(drum music)

(upbeat music)

(drum music)

(upbeat music)

- Ha ha ha, now I've gotcha.

You know there's something
about that girl I like,

I just can't put
my fingers on it.

(drum music)

- We'll make it three
falls out of four.

(frog croaking)

(upbeat music)

- My God, the crown J birthmark.

You're a queen.

You're a queen, you're a queen!

- Sir, I'm just holding
this for a lady.

(whistling)

(silly music)

(drum music)

- We can open a gym in
Athens if you'd like?

- Pandora, we're gonna
take this old box

(bang)

back to Corinth and I'm gonna
build a palace around it

for you.

- You mean I'm rich?

- You're a queen, you're
the rightful ruler of Crete.

- I am?

- And you know something else?

You're a very beautiful girl.

- I am?

- Meanwhile Kresha, the
new queen of the Amazons

tightens her net about Erg.

(drum music)

- We've got him
completely surrounded.

I'll go in and take him.

(suspenseful music)

(hypnotizing music)

(boing)

- Where are you going?

- To be queen.

Oh, Ganymede I'm
going to be rich.

I'm going to have
furs and jewels.

I'm even going to wear clothes.

Oh Ganymede I'm going
to have everything.

- Everything?

Everything except
happiness Thetra.

You belong here in the
forest, I can't let you go.

- But I wan to go
Ganymede, I want to go.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey.

(kiss smack)

- I really couldn't
go with you Leander.

Not even to be queen, I do
belong here in the forest.

(soft music)

- So you see, I really
had a ball that night.

The next day Theseus
and his party

stared through the land of
the Amazons expecting trouble.

But they found not the
slightest opposition.

Since there was now a
new king of the Amazons

who turned out to be
none other than Theseus'

lost brother Erg.

(drum music)

- Brother, I'm building
a palace in Corinth,

where we were born, you
can have anything you want.

Even your own bone.

Come with me brother,
come with me.

(growling and howling)

- Freely translated
from wolf that means

"Brother, you must be kidding."

(flute music)

- So they passed through
the land of the Amazons.

King Minos was so pleased
that he didn't have to

vacate the palace at Nosis

that he threw a
tremendous wedding party

for Theseus and Pandora.

With my father presiding
and my mother watching

my father like a hawk.

Directly after
Theseus and Pandora

went straight to the
new palace in Iona.

- Oh Theseus, it's beautiful.

Ah, Theseus, what's in the box?

- Pandora, you must
never touch that box.

- Well I was just
wondering, I mean,

what could possible in a
rotten old box like that.

- Nevermind, you remember
what the oracle said.

- Oh now, you still don't
believe in oracles do you?

- Pandora, just forget the box.

I think I'm going to
go and take a bath.

(upbeat music)

- Old box, I don't see what
one little peek will hurt.

(clack)

(thunder roaring)

- [Zeus] Somebody
opened the rotten box.

(suspenseful music)

- Yaw.

- Ah.

(upbeat music)

(bangs and shattering)

(upbeat violin music)

- Whoa.

- Yeah.

(shattering)

(suspenseful music)

(shattering and rattling)

- Momma!

- Baby, where in Hades
did you get that one?

- Well, he's my husband Momma.

- Oh my poor baby.

- Well, he built me this palace.

(shattering)

- Well, don't worry,
I'll make it over.

Men never know what they're
doing when they build.

Takes the woman's
touch, I always say.

I'll move into
the guest room and

take over supervising
the servants.

And him.

Be too much for you
baby, much too much.

- Now, let's start
from the beginning.

First that, that one tralup.

The one with the scarf.

It was of the same fabric
that you came home with

on your thunder bolt
after a terror around

the outskirts of Athens

or was it the underskirts
or wherever you were.

And that second one,
the one with the perfume

that you came reeking home of.

- Oh, and further more,
gotta show 'em who's boss

right away first thing
nothing worse than indecision.

- Well, I tried.

But my best efforts were
spoiled by a box full

of mother's in law.

I'm sure somewhere this
story must have a moral.

But I'm sure that you'd
like it better if it had an

immoral.

Wouldn't you?

Oh well.

(thud)

(upbeat music)