Original subtitles

1 Sir, I'd like to talk to you about the new task force

you're on the hiring committee for.

The Special Tactical Operations and Auxiliary

Strategic Response Citywide Emergency

Investigative Unit for Emergency Operations?

You know, I had a hand in naming it.

And it's great, although you might wanna try shortening it,

maybe using a cool acronym.

So the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.?

Hm, you're right. That is cool.

Sure, anyways, I know some of the best cops in the city

are gonna be on that task force,

and I would appreciate it if you'd consider me for it.

Here's my résumé.

And I thought it would be fun if I rapped it.

But then I realized that would be a terrible idea,

so I just wrote it down normally.

It'll probably rhyme a lot on accident. Try not to focus on that.

"Jake Peralta is age 39, but professionally,

he's still in his prime..."

"If you ask me, he's New York's fine... est.

Charles enters."

♪ Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat, Chucky B with the burner ♪

♪ Raining hot fire! ♪

Charles, it's not a rap. It never was.

Everyone's professional here.

Not the lyrics we discussed either.

Anyways, sir, I really think that I deserve this task force.

My clearance rate puts me in the top 2% of all NYPD det...

I am aware of your qualifications, Peralta,

but I'm only allowed to recommend one name

for the S.T.O.A.S.R.C.E.I.U.E.O.

And you don't think the acronym's just a little clunky?

Oh, no, it's quite catchy.

Look, I really feel like I've got what it takes.

I'm experienced, I'm hardworking,

and I'm unflappable in the face of...

Oh, my God! What was that?

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com

Scully, are you hurt?

- Is that blood? - It's glitter.

There was a box on Jake's desk.

I opened it, and it just exploded.

I can't feel my face.

And, not to be rude,

but is that something you can normally feel?

Oh, right. I guess I'm fine.

Jeffords, evacuate the precinct.

- I'll contact the bomb squad. - No, no, no, no, no, wait.

I think this actually might have been

a prank that malfunctioned.

Look, the box was connected to a tank

of compressed air under the desk.

It was supposed to shoot glitter at whoever opened it,

but something must have clogged the pressure release valve,

- and the tank exploded. - Wow.

The silver lining is no one got hurt.

And the lead lining is that this prank

caused significant property damage in the precinct.

Fair point, but we do shatter a lot of glass around here.

Either it's Rosa who's disappointed

in her Buzzfeed results...

I am not a Blanche.

Or Charles trying to bro out...

Hut, think fast, dude.

Or just Terry gently shutting a window

and forgetting how strong he is.

- And look at this. Evidence was compromised.

Oh no, the shirt from the Dekalb Street murder.

That's the only hard evidence we have.

ADA Green's already mad we didn't find anything else.

Why is this on your desk, Peralta?

I logged it out for trial, but Officer Howard

is the one who got it from the evidence locker.

Let's blame him. He's always up to no good.

What? You don't even know me.

- Yes, I do. - Then what's my last name?

I thought it was Howard.

It's Booth. My name is Howard Booth.

Okay, fine, but just so you know,

the only thing I'm gonna remember from this interaction

is that you put me on the spot, so...

Sir, I know this is important,

but I kinda gotta go.

Cagney and Lacey's recorder concert's

in an hour and I promised that I...

No one leaves until the culprit is brought to justice.

But they're playing "Uptown Funk."

I wouldn't care if they were playing actual music.

Whoever did this was obviously

someone Peralta pranked seeking revenge.

Who are his recent victims?

I'm sorry, but I'm the Prankmaster General

and I take that role very seriously.

Look at this. There's a note.

It says, "Gotcha back, babe." It was Amy.

Who else would call Jake "babe"?

Charles went through that year-long phase

where he called everybody "babe."

- Uh-huh. - I forget.

- Did you guys like that? - No.

I still think it was Amy.

Obviously I'm being framed,

probably by whomever keeps accusing me.

No one's asking the obvious question.

Why did Scully open a package on Peralta's desk?

Perhaps he was setting up the prank,

and it blew up in his face.

No, I just saw a box and I thought,

"Oh, cookies come in boxes."

I bet it wasn't anyone in this squad.

That's exactly what a guilty person would say.

So in order to prove my innocence,

- I just need to start pointing fingers? - Mm-hmm.

- Fine, it was Amy. - Really?

Because the "Babe" thing screams you, Charles.

Oh, you wanna hear screaming? It was Amy!

Somebody confess!

Well, well, well.

What do we have here?

It appears a crime has been committed,

and no one will confess.

- Doing a German accent? - I was going for Belgian,

Like in "Murder on the Orient Express."

You sound like a Nazi.

Okay, not a great note to hear.

I'll just use my normal voice.

The point is a crime has been committed,

and someone in this room did it.

There are seven suspects all with means and motive.

It appears what we have is a classic whodunit.

The phrase "whodunit" is a grammatical abomination.

Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."

I will not, however, in order to solve this case,

we need the very finest of detectives,

one with a unique set of skills, someone named...

Dillman! I'll call Dillman!

Who?

I hear you need some help with a "who has done this."

Squad, meet detective Frank Dillman

of the San Francisco PD.

He is in town, and we were supposed

to have lunch tomorrow, but I asked him to come down

because I need an objective set of eyes on this.

- I can be objective. - Then tell me.

- How do I look today? - Normal?

No. Dillman?

- Bloated. - Thank you.

Dillman is the single best detective

I have ever worked with.

Sadly, he was unjustly fired for investigating

corruption in the NYPD.

He hated dirty cops so much

they used to call him Mr. Clean.

Uh-huh, I'm sure that's the only reason

they called him that.

Because I'm bald? You think that's funny?

I started shaving my head 20 years ago in solidarity

with my mother who was undergoing chemotherapy.

Oh, look, I'm so sorry...

I'm obviously lying.

It's classic male pattern baldness.

But now, based on your reaction,

I know every single thing about you as a person.

- That can't be true. - It is.

- You're cooked. - All right, let's get started.

I want written statements from every witness...

personnel files for the entire squad.

Of course, I need to have this desk dusted for prints,

see if we get a hit on the AFI system.

Somebody could maybe get rid of those pigeons.

And, of course, I'll need to see any surveillance video.

Unfortunately, this area's a blind spot.

The camera that covers it broke two weeks ago,

and it hasn't been fixed yet.

Really don't want me to see that security footage,

do you, Lieutenant?

- Hm, I wonder why. - I was just stating the facts.

I didn't do anything to the camera.

I never thought you did, but now I know

every single thing about you as a person.

Everyone back off.

Dillman has the scene.

Man, this sucks.

This case would have been the perfect chance for you

to prove to Holt that you deserve that task force.

Yeah. Maybe it still is.

Holt thinks Dillman's the best detective

he's ever worked with, so what happens

if I solve the case before him?

Then I become the best detective Holt has ever

worked with, and he has to give me the task force.

Dillman thinks he knows everything about me

as a person, but there's one thing he doesn't know.

I'm about to take him down...

Oh, my God, he's staring right at us.

Quick, pretend like I was saying something else.

Yes, Jake, you were young when you lost your virginity.

Thank you, Charles!

The DA's office called. Greene is furious.

He thinks he may have to drop all charges in the Dekalb case.

Whoever did this is facing a massive suspension,

and there's no use hiding

because Dillman will smoke you out.

Right, but is there any way he could hurry it up?

So far it's just been a lot of silent pacing.

Would you ask a heart surgeon to hurry it up?

I mean, I would if he was just walking around a room.

Okay, here's what we know.

The glitter bomb was placed between 12:20 and 12:55.

All the suspects say they were at lunch

and have an alibi for that time,

which means one of you is lying.

It was Terry.

Thanks for coming by, Dill, but I got it from here.

You see, Terrence, I couldn't help but notice

you're not wearing suspenders today...

odd, considering suspenders are your entire personality.

Seems a little reductive.

I had a rough childhood,

but I lifted myself up through arts and athletics...

Ah-buh-buh-buhp. You're the suspenders guy.

Something felt fishy, so Jakey went fishing,

and I caught me a fat one.

And look at that...

Terry's suspenders stuffed into his desk drawer,

and there's glitter on them... red glitter.

Feels like that deserved an audible gasp.

Thank you, Charles.

You got messy setting up the prank.

You didn't want anyone to see.

You put the suspenders in your desk drawer.

Case closed.

Did you put that folder there just so you could close it?

Yes, Rosa, obviously.

I didn't do anything.

Well, if you didn't do anything,

how come the case is closed?

- It's not. - Hm?

The glitter on Jeffords' suspenders

is type 9A round red glitter while the bomb spewed

type 9C round red glitter, but then I suppose

all round red glitter looks the same to you.

No. I know the difference.

- One is bigger? - Shinier.

- Ah. - The number refers to the size.

The letter refers to its reflective qualities.

Seems like you know a weird amount about glitter, man.

So good detective work is weird to you?

Interesting squad you have here, Raymond.

I didn't choose them. They were here when I arrived.

Understood. The real question is

why Jeffords had glitter on him at all.

Fortunately, I have the answer.

I deduced that he has three young daughters...

twins and a toddler.

Big deal. You saw the picture on his desk.

I did, and judging by

the maple trees in the background of that picture,

it was taken last fall... probably mid October.

The twins are smiling, each revealing a missing tooth.

The twin on the right... let's call her "Twin A."

- That's Cagney. - Is that relevant?

- It's her name. - So no.

Twin A is missing an upper right incisor

while Twin B is missing a lower left incisor

suggesting that they were seven when the photo was taken,

which would put them in second grade.

Spring semester of second grade is when

the Brooklyn schools do their solar system unit,

a highlight of which is constructing

a mobile of the planets.

My hypothesis is that Twin A and Twin B requested

Daddy's help making Mars sparkle, hence the red glitter.

Damn, yeah, that's exactly right.

Just seems like a very complicated way

- of saying Terry has kids. - Thank you.

What?

The point is, Jeffords is innocent,

so I guess it's fair to say case open.

My God, I have gooseflesh.

So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect.

I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.

What... don't gasp for him.

- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.

- It just slipped out. - Title of your sex tape.

Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape.

Everyone's taking my stuff.

Dillman never talks first when he's in the box.

Well, Rosa never initiates conversation of any kind.

Guys, I really have to get out of here.

Somebody please say something to get it started.

- No. - And there it is.

Now that I have the upper hand, let's get started.

Stupid Terry and his stupid kids.

You were the only suspect who did not go out for lunch,

but if you were eating at your desk,

how did you not see the perpetrator

plant the glitter bomb?

I wasn't at my desk. I was in the break room.

Oh, the break room. That explains it.

I guess we're done here.

Oh, here it comes... the Dillman double back.

Just to double back...

Oh, my. He actually said the words.

What a treat.

If you were in the break room,

why was the IP address of your laptop

logged into the Wi-Fi on the fifth floor?

Fine.

There's an empty office there where I go to be alone.

Seems innocent enough. Why would you lie about that?

Maybe because you were up there assembling a glitter bomb.

- I'm sorry, I didn't... - I was watching a soap opera.

It's called "Drake's Hollow." I never miss an episode.

It's my mother's favorite show, and when things were bad

between us, it was the one thing

- that we could still talk about. - Oh, that's sweet.

It is kind of sweet.

Sweet enough to fool a lesser detective.

What... I wasn't fooled. Take her away.

If you really watch "Drake's Hollow" every day,

you won't mind if I give you a little quiz.

You see, I've been known to visit the Hollow myself

from time to time not unlike Nicholas Van Bronderberg.

Who's the father of Eliana's twins?

Christian is Jacob's father,

but Joshua was stolen from the hospital.

His real father remains unknown.

Who did Joshua grow up to marry?

First came Sandra, then there was Brigitte,

but she turned out to be his sister.

Katherine died during childbirth,

though it was later revealed that she was murdered

by Amanda, Joshua's next wife.

They divorced after Amanda was sentenced to the electric chair.

But Joshua rebounded quickly with Jasmine.

Jasmine was followed by Grace, the love of his life,

but she had a contract dispute with the producers

so she was killed off camera by a snake.

You messed up.

- You forgot Gwendolyn. - No, I didn't.

Joshua and Gwendolyn were technically never married

because that whole season took place inside Kiki's mind...

While she was in a coma.

Diaz is innocent.

So I guess he was wrong about Rosa.

Don't worry about Dillman.

He's the best detective I've ever worked with.

Or you just keep talking him up

because you don't want us to notice how weird it is

that you brought in a friend to work the case.

We're not friends.

My only friends are James and Julian.

Hurtful, but I still think it's strange

that you won't let me run the investigation...

unless, of course, there's something

- you're scared I might find. - Excuse me?

Where were you between 12:20 and 12:55?

You aren't seriously suggesting

that I am the prank man.

It does seem a little far-fetched, Jake.

I mean, he did just use the phrase, "prank man."

It's not far-fetched at all.

Holt is not the joyless robot that he once was.

Is this about the time I ate a burrito?

I was pressured into it.

Just tell us where you were at lunch.

Well, if you must know, I was having lunch with Boyle.

No way.

You two are the second most unlikely

Nine-Nine lunch combination.

First is anyone with Hitchcock and Scully.

Second is Holt and Charles.

It is pretty strange.

I mean, obviously it was uncomfortable,

but it was a work lunch.

Look, it's not a big deal, guys.

We don't have to talk about it.

I was offering him the task force position.

Boyle is my choice.

Boyle?

From work?

Oh.

How great for him... And no one else.

You know what, I just remembered that I'm late to leave.

Gotta go, bye.

Hey.

I don't understand, Charles.

If Holt already assigned you to the task force,

why were you helping me try and get it?

I was planning on telling Holt no.

What? That's insane.

It's a huge opportunity.

I know, but I've been meaning to cut back on hours.

I'm working too much.

It's affecting Nikolaj at school.

He's been making so many new friends.

Wait, isn't that a good thing?

No, he's trying to get me jealous.

I did the same thing to my dad.

So, Jake, for real.

I'm not gonna take the assignment.

Okay, I guess that makes sense.

But just promise me you're not turning it down because of me.

Jake, I promise.

Okay.

Great, well,

if you're turning it down, that means there's still

an opportunity for me to solve the case

and prove to Holt I belong on the task force.

What task force?

- How long have you been here? - Just a few seconds.

But that was more than enough time

for me to ascertain everything about you...

As a person, yes, we know. No one likes a know-it-all.

You're married to one.

- You're married to one. - Follow me.

I have an important announcement to make.

Dillman.

May I have everyone's attention please?

I have solved the, "who has done this."

I know by whom it was done.

- It was Jake Peralta. - What?

That's crazy. The box was on my desk.

- I'm the victim. - Wrong.

- Scully's the victim. - You know,

you think glitter's gonna taste like sprinkles, but it doesn't.

- It tastes like blood. - That is blood.

The glitter's shredding your tongue.

Oh.

Why would I blow up my own desk?

For the task force.

I just heard you say you wanted to prove to Holt

that you're a great detective.

That's why you set this whole thing up.

It was a perfect plan,

and you would've gotten away with it if not for me.

Wow. You're a lunatic.

Would a lunatic know that your body temperature

just rose 9/10 of a degree indicating guilt?

- Yes. - Oh, look.

What do we have here...

a receipt from Party Zone

for one air tank rental paid in cash.

That's not mine. I never keep my receipts.

Amy, tell them. Tell them how much our accountant hates me.

She hates him so much.

My bag was sitting next to my desk.

Anyone could have put that in there.

That kind of evidence would never hold up at trial.

You'd be laughed out of court.

I've only been laughed at in court once,

and that was because I made a terrific joke.

- I was there. It was hilarious. - Come on.

I guess it's fair to say case closed.

No. He stole that from me.

Go home. You're suspended until further notice.

This is nuts.

I can't believe Holt believes

that ridiculous windbag and his sack of lies.

Oh, I know everything about glitter and "Drake's Elbow."

- "Hollow." - Amy, please.

I just need your support right now, okay?

Wait a minute, you believe me, right?

Of course I do. I'm your wife.

I'm on your side no matter what.

Thanks.

- Same, by the way. - Thanks.

I mean, no one really suspects me.

- Right. - Look, go home.

I'll check for prints on the Party Zone receipt.

Yours won't be there, but maybe someone else's will.

Wait a minute. Prints... that's it.

- I think I know who framed me. - Who?

I can't say yet. I wanna be sure.

You wanna do a big, dramatic reveal

in front of everyone, don't you?

Yes, obviously.

Look, I have to check on one thing.

- Don't let anybody leave. - Okay.

Attention, everyone.

Stop what you are doing.

Eh, still a little Nazi.

I'm gonna just drop the accent.

Peralta, you can't be here. You're suspended.

And you're lucky it's not worse.

The DA's office wanted you fired.

I'm being framed, and I know who did it.

It was Dillman!

I just met you today.

- Why would I do that? - Good question.

It's because you want Holt to put you on that task force.

Dillman can't be on a New York task force.

The SFPD would never approve it.

Correct, only he's not SFPD.

When you first arrived, you asked us to check

the fingerprints against the AFI system,

but that system hasn't been used in over five years

by any police department.

Well, I used the AFI system for 20 years.

- I guess I misspoke. - Oh, misspoke.

I see. That explains everything. My apologies.

I'm just gonna head back on out to exile...

just to double back.

My God. He's double backing Dillman.

How could the best detective that Holt's ever worked with

make such a mistake?

I wondered myself, so I made a few phone calls.

It turns out, Dillman was fired by the SFPD.

I guess he rubbed the brass the wrong way.

Not only that, but he's currently working

part time at Yarn Barn, a hobby shop in Albany.

I have his manager on the phone right now.

Frank, what is going on? You have a shift tonight.

You know I have finals.

I'm so sorry, Alyssa.

I got hung up in the city. I just lost track of time.

This explains everything. He's not a great detective.

He's a sad man working part time

selling crafting supplies.

Okay, fine, yes. I was fired by the SFPD.

And yes, I contacted Raymond

in hopes of getting on that task force.

I thought it would be my way back onto the NYPD.

Oh, my God. I hate the Yarn Barn.

Really disappointing to hear, Frank,

Yeah, well you're a bad manager, Alyssa, okay?

You play favorites and it hurts to be on the outside.

- You don't even show up to... - Okay.

I was gonna bring up the task force

when I had lunch with Raymond tomorrow,

but when he called about this case,

I thought solving it would seal the deal...

Which would have been easy since you set

the whole thing up to frame me.

Ridiculous.

Why would I have waited so long to accuse you?

Because if you solved it right away,

it would've been too obvious.

He's deflecting because he's guilty.

Dillman lied about where he worked.

We can't trust him.

The receipt was in Peralta's bag.

You're the glitter expert.

Well, you're the Prankmaster General.

It was him.

It wasn't either of you,

but I know who it was.

Son of a bitch stole my bullhorn.

Okay, I'm not 100% sure this is right,

and maybe I'm missing something...

Charles, as a veteran of many big reveals,

can I give you a tip?

- Not so much waffling. - I agree.

You're not commanding the room.

Let him finish... his way.

- But do pace it up a bit, Charles. - Copy that.

So from the beginning, I was very skeptical

that anyone in our squad was behind the prank.

- Why didn't you just say that? - I did, and then you said,

"That's exactly what a guilty person would say."

Eh, I stand by it.

Okay, so who was the prank man?

There was no prank.

That was just a cover.

You see, guys, the point of the explosion

was to contaminate the evidence of the Dekalb Street murder.

But the suspect is in prison, has no ties to organized crime,

and no means of bribing an officer.

How could he have possibly pulled that off?

Yeah, Jake, that stumped me for a little bit too,

but then something you said gave me an idea.

I mean, that kind of evidence would never hold up at trial.

You'd be laughed out of court.

Ah, yeah, I remember when I said that.

It was awesome. Wait, but who did it?

The mastermind was ADA Greene.

He didn't have enough evidence for the case.

He was afraid he was gonna lose

and needed someone to blame it on.

Whom did he work with...

obviously someone who knew about the pranks

and that Amy called Jake "babe."

Excellent question, Captain.

It took a little digging to find that out,

but I pulled some personnel files

and combed through some social media.

Do you know what Greene's wife's maiden name is?

- Duchovny? - No.

- Zappa. - No.

- Fagerbakke. - No, Booth.

Howard Booth...

as in, Officer Booth.

Oh, yes. Officer Howard.

He's Greene's brother-in-law.

He didn't just put the evidence on Jake's desk.

- He put the glitter bomb there. - Oh, my God.

- We have to find Booth. - Already did it.

And I booked him.

Oh, classic elevator reveal.

This feels like it calls for an audible gasp.

Not from you, Charles.

From me.

Wait, did you just gasp at my gasp?

Sorry. Your gasp was so good.

Oh, thank you for gasping at my gasp.

My pleasure.

Sorry you missed your daughter's concert.

No, no, it's okay.

Sharon totally understood...

after I lied to her and said we had to stay late

because Rosa got shot.

Next time you see her, walk with a limp.

Copy that.

Hey, you know you don't have to sweep up, right?

Well, someone's gotta.

Plus it reminds me of the three years I spent

as a cleaning lady in college.

Huh, I guess there really is no term for cleaning man.

- Mm-mm. - That's not great.

So hey, listen.

I wanted to say great job today and also I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Well, when I heard you got the task force,

my first reaction was just to feel sad for myself

instead of happy for you.

Well, you sure hid it well.

I really didn't.

I stormed into the other room and moped by myself.

Eh, but you had style.

Charles, no. Look.

You have to take the task force job.

Really? What about Nikolaj?

He's gonna be so proud of his dad.

I bet he even ditches those new friends.

Oh, man. That's the dream.

Thank you for saying that.

Honestly, though, I still don't get why Holt chose me over you.

Are you kidding? I mean, just look at today.

Instead of fighting for attention,

you did the work and methodically built your case.

You noticed things that a room full of seasoned cops

all missed.

You're a great detective, Charles.

Wow.

Even in defeat, you are a true prince of a man.

- The task force is yours. - What? No.

- Boyle, just take the win! - Right.

It was good to see you today.

I'll keep my ears open for any job opportunities that arise.

Appreciate it. I could use it.

Just got a text from Alyssa, I've been fired by the Yarn Barn.

Well, you still the best damn detective I've ever worked with.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

Your iris just contracted by 1/10th of a millimeter.

You're lying.

Yes, I've lost a lot of respect for you today.

Understood.

Goodbye, Raymond.

Well...

Since Dillman is clearly out of the top spot now,

who's the best detective you've ever worked with?

It's Sergeant Leslie Hunt-Minkoff.

Who?

Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian www.addic7ed.com