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WOMAN SCREAMING

No, Gemma, I am not. I'm not running away!

I've got a family crisis. "But you don't HAVE a family."

Yes, actually I do have a family, thank you very much. Somewhere.

"And James has been asking after you."

Oh, has he?!

Well, I'm a little preoccupied, actually.

"Oh, OK, then. Sure."

I have a little bit of business I need to attend to.

Not quite sure how long it'll take. "All right. See you, then." OK.

BIRD CAWS

Excuse me. Is this the right...

place?

BIRD CAWS

SHE GRUNTS

Hello! Oh! Welcome.

It's OK.

I don't bite. Well, not in daylight hours, anyway.

It's a joke. It's just a joke. Oh.

We have you staying for four days.

Yes. I think there's been some kind of mistake.

You see, I booked a spa retreat. No, no, no. Not quite.

You booked our S-P-A retreat.

That's the Special Paranormal Activity package.

I'm sorry. The... The what package? Well, it's just a title, really.

We book you in,

and then we let the castle and Spencer Dulsleigh do the rest.

Claude, is this the new guest?

Daisy Jones. We've been expecting you.

What as? Fresh blood? To make up numbers.

Dear Colonel Lyche has us playing Scrabble. He's very good.

Well, I'm sorry. I don't do Scrabble. HE CHUCKLES

Come on! I'll introduce you.

SHE GRUNTS Sorry. Hang on a second!

HE RINGS DESK BELL

Colonel? Hm? I'd like you to meet -

Agatha. Oh.

The colonel lives here.

Imagine! Mm.

And this is Jennifer Stobbs. She's from... Cleveland, Ohio.

It's great to meet you. I'm here with my shopping buddy, Mabel.

Pleasure to meet you, ma'am. CROCKERY CLATTERS

Oh!

Um, why don't you join us?

Maybe later.

BIRD CAWING

SHE SIGHS

Agh!

SHE SIGHS

Mini-bar. Mini-bar!

Wherefore art thou, mini-bar?

KNOCK AT DOOR

SHE SCREAMS Agh!

Oh, no!

Oh, how awful! What happened? Well, if you MUST know,

a psychotic hairdresser from hell happened!

Why else do you think I'm hiding away here in this madhouse?

I know someone who can help you.

Her name's Francie Juddle. She's the local witch.

Comes from a long line of gypsies.

That's twice. Double trouble! Listen.

I'm not into all this mumbo-jumbo. I'm here for hair tonic.

I have a little problem, you see. With my hair.

Well, I think that one speaks for itself.

Sex? The Lovers is not just about sex.

There is someone, though.

Is there? Really?

Is it... Does it say who? Ask it.

Ask it. Is there a card marked Mr Right?

You'll know! It's all about intuition.

Oh!

Apply the hair tonic every night before bed. That'll be 80 quid.

80 squid? Are you having a giraffe?

Take it or leave it! Doesn't bother me.

I won't be losing MY hair over it.

BIRD CAWS

SHE GRUNTS

SHE SCRATCHES

SHE GASPS

EDITH PIAF MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY OWL HOOTS

Listen here, you...

fraudulent, toad-eating crone!

You're about as genuine as my wig! SHE BANGS ON DOOR

♪ Non, je ne regrette rien

♪ C'est paye...

HE CROAKS

♪ Balaye

♪ Oublie

♪ Je me fous du passe ♪

SHE SWITCHES MUSIC OFF

OWL HOOTS

Mrs Raisin? Yes. Inspector Jessop.

Ah. I believe you discovered the body.

That's right, I did. Now, tell me,

have you spoken to any of the other residents yet?

Was Francie wealthy? Was anything missing from her caravan?

What time did you visit Mrs Juddle's caravan?

Er, midnight. One-ish. Dunno. Hard to be sure.

And why did you go there at that time of night?

Well, er, I'd been having some nightmares.

Big horses running at me with bulging eyes,

husbands with scissors, sort of thing.

And what's with the... disguise? The...

Well, you're wearing a wig. You're very perceptive. I am.

And it is a little complicated... if I'm honest.

Well, it's not exactly conventional behaviour, is it? I grant you that.

It's not, and I can see where you're going with this,

but I'm hardly likely to have killed Francie, am I,

left my fingerprints all over the caravan then called the police, am I?

I'll have you know, where I come from, I do not commit murders.

I solve them.

You'll have to stay here for a few days. All right?

MAN: Mrs Raisin!

Looks like there's been a murder somewhere else for a change.

Has there? Where?

That's Agatha! Don't be daft.

You're obsessed, you are. What? No, look. That's Agatha.

It is, as well. Oh, yeah!

"Police in Wyckhadden are investigating the death

of a woman known locally as a witch."

"The... suspect, Mrs Agatha Raisin"...

Agatha wouldn't commit murder! Not WITHOUT us.

She needs help. Well, she's eccentric,

but I wouldn't go that far. Look, she needs OUR help.

I know a copper in Wyckhadden. I'll see what I can find out.

I'm gonna call Roy.

James, what are you gonna do? Find her!

She needs me.

SHE SIGHS

SHE GRUNTS

Oh!

Wow! You're quite the blonde bombshell.

Yeah. Keep your eyes to yourself, Mister. I must say,

there's been quite a rush on today.

Murder is clearly good for business.

Everyone's in the dining room. Mm.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT May I introduce you?

ALL: Hello! Hi! We're on honeymoon.

And I'm just down from London with my new boyph...

Jim-Bob. From Texas.

Howdy!

So, why did you go and see this so-called witch in the first place?

What are you even doing here, Agatha? Research.

Roy asked me to do an article on... castles.

In a wig? Castles? I thought you said you had a family crisis.

I do. I-I did. Look, what's with the questions?

We need to get to work. We need to get you home!

I'm not allowed to leave. We need to clear my name,

which means we have to investigate. Bill, come here.

Tell me, what do you know about this murder?

Well, um... the motive seems to be robbery, apparently.

The victim's sister said she kept a large amount of cash

padlocked in a metal box.

They found it discarded in the woods this morning.

The murder weapon? Large wooden object.

They're still looking for it. OK!

So, tomorrow we talk to everyone. Roy and... Jim-Bob,

you take the colonel. What about the other guests?

We'll figure them out one by one. As for the staff,

they're even weirder. Right. Well, I better go.

Oh! On our wedding night?

Well, it's... not really, though, is it?

And, um, I have to be at the station first thing.

'Aww, poor Gem!'

I think she was rather hoping that something might happen

between her and Bill. Night! WOMAN: Good night.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

Well, I bloody well wish it would. Do you? Yes, I do.

For them, obviously. Yeah, absolutely.

No. Actually, for everyone.

It's just so... Oh, it's so tiring, being single!

There's no certainty in anything.

How lovely would it be just to be certain about things?

You know, someone to share things with,

somebody that you could count on.

You can count on...

us.

Yeah.

Well... here we are.

Yeah. Here we are.

I'm glad you came.

Yeah. Me, too.

Right. Well, better get some sleep.

That is, if I can sleep in this big place,

with all this spookery and murder. SHE CHUCKLES

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING Evening!

Evening.

SHE CHUCKLES

Night.

Yeah. Night.

Agatha... HE SIGHS

...bothers me. Really bothers me,

in a way no-one ever has. She completely does my head in at times,

most of the time, actually. I find her infuriating,

insulting, completely contradictory.

She's on my mind all day.

I think the problem is, if I'm honest...

...I'd just hate it all to go wrong.

What if we don't really know each other?

How can you tell if you really know someone, if you can trust them?

Let's face it, me and Agatha are never gonna just casually date,

are we? It'd have to be all or nothing, wouldn't it?

Don't you think?

What do you think?

Roy? ROY SNORES

HE SNORTS

You know James was pining for you, don't you?

As soon as he saw your piccie in the paper,

he couldn't get here quick enough.

He was probably just bored or something. Hmm...

Well, the police didn't waste much time getting out of here, did they?

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Aggie, do you think there's any truth in the gypsy-curse stuff?

No!

Oh, look!

It's a sign! That we should go.

It's a message from Francie.

This card was in her hand when she died.

"Follow your intuition," she said. Yeah. Mine's saying we should leave.

Ooh, look! They've all been here.

Colonel Lyche, in to discuss his liver.

I thought he looked like a drinker!

Daisy booked in for a seance. What's that all about?

Oh, bunch of crackpots! Jennifer, warts... Eww!

Mabel Dulsey, palm-reading. Claude, the creepy manager.

Doesn't say what he's in for, but it's Claude,

so the list could be endless. Hang on. What's that?

"Agatha Raisin. Brassy cow. Hair tonic."

All right! If you must know, that's why I came here.

I had a little problem with my hair in that it was falling out,

and I didn't want anyone to see me looking like that. You mean James.

That's why you left the village. You're obsessed as he is!

Don't be ridiculous!

Who are you and what do you want? I was a friend.

Well, not really a friend, exactly. More of a... Client.

Um, she got bald patches. Just here to pay our respects.

Snooping through my sister's things. Oh, Francie was your sister?

Well, in that case I'm very sorry for your loss.

You see, we're just trying to find out who did this.

Why do you care?

Because I do.

Because Francie meant a great deal to a great many people,

and whoever did this is still out there.

And she did her hair for her, as well.

Right.

Well, I don't need help from the likes of you.

Francie'll tell me who killed her.

Francie will? Because...

How, exactly?

I'm psychic, too.

And when Francie comes through to tell me who did this,

I'll wring their scrawny necks with my bare hands.

Now, beat it. OK.

Come on, Gemma. Come on. Run! Run!

Look, you see this ceiling?

This is exactly the kind of thing I would love in our bathroom.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: What's up? Yes. You're not from Texas, are you?

Oh, are you kidding me?

HE DROPS ACCENT Oxford, actually.

It's just a little game we play. Keeps people on their toes.

Er, bad accent? Mm.

That, and the fact that I was in counterintelligence.

MI5. PHONE BEEPS

So I might pick up on the little things.

Mm.

And how's the liver?

As in my vital organs, or what we're having for dinner?

Hm! Both are fine.

Good. Shame about that witchy-woo woman, wasn't it?

Did you know her? CUP QUIVERS ON SAUCER

No.

He's lying and thinks we won't realise.

Come on. We need to rattle his cage.

Do you, um... fancy a game?

WOMAN GRUNTS CREAKING / TRUNDLING

SHE GROANS

WHEELS CREAK

THEY GASP Don't risk it.

This place certainly does make everybody jumpy. Uh-huh!

What are you doing? Us?!

Oh, we're both just such big fans of your English literature.

Isn't that right, Mabel? Sure is.

Ah. Scrabble, ladies?

Colonel, I thought you'd never ask! Ooh, lovely.

Right, come on. Come on, Gemma.

Let's see what books they were looking at.

Medieval section. History...

Think she was looking at that red one.

Got it.

Malleus Maleficarum, The Hammer Of The Witches.

SHE GASPS Gemma!

It's all about witchcraft!

Hmm!

HE SIGHS

Carly! Wrong knives! How many times?!

All right, all right! Jeez, who rattled YOUR coffin?

And please do something with your hair.

Good morning, ladies.

Tell me. Francie was known as the witch of Wyckhadden.

Anybody else around here into all that "hubble, bubble, toil and trouble" stuff?

Not that I'm aware of. You went to see her though, didn't you?

You're in the appointment book. That's private!

She was a friend. I'd known her for years.

Before she took up clairvoyance, she used to work in the kitchen here,

until she realised that she was, in fact, clairvoyant.

Turns out she was rather good at the psychic stuff.

Ask Daisy.

Daisy?

I want to thank you about Francie.

She didn't half do the trick with my hair.

How did you know she was so good?

I come here to mark the anniversary of my husband's death.

He died in a car crash. Ah.

We got married here, so the place is full of happy memories for me.

And Francie... Reassured me he was OK.

Told me things she couldn't have known.

She was the real deal.

So, why'd you reckon someone would wanna kill her, then?

Maybe that's why - because she was genuine.

Maybe she knew someone's deepest, darkest secret.

Hm...

Hm?

Two. Hah!

So! Ssh!

The colonel is ahead by 52.

But Roy's tiles will be worth a few,

and he gets an extra 50 if he goes out first.

If.

Thought you were good at this. I am!

ALL GASP AND EXCLAIM

Why would Lyche want to kill Francie?

Possibly because she knew something about him.

She had some secret that she threatened to reveal about him.

Maybe he's not even MI5 at all.

James, you could use your army past to check him out.

I can try. He's definitely got anger issues.

Alcohol issues, if you ask me. Did you see his DTs when he was playing?

Well, I think they're all dodgy.

And those two were clearly up to something earlier, in the library.

That Daisy's too good to be true. Claude? Yes.

Look at her! Daisy visits here every year

on the anniversary of her husband's death.

Does she come at any other time of the year? Easters and Bank Holidays.

And, come to think of it, she was here last Christmas. Thank you.

Well, that's an awful lot of grieving!

Well, she doesn't look very grief-stricken to me.

Mabel.

SHE HUMS CASUALLY

Come on!

SHE CONTINUES TO HUM

She's disappeared. Oh, please.

No-one of those proportions can just disappear.

I felt the need to pay my respects,

and thank the Lord for the precious gift of life.

Please, join me.

AGATHA GRUNTS

BIRD CAWS

CROCKERY CLATTERS

Er, excuse me...

CLAUDE CONVERSES QUIETLY

Good morning.

You all right? Did you sleep well? Never mind all that. Listen.

I think we should have a seancey thing.

You know, try and get Janine to contact her dead sister.

You have got to be kidding me. You don't believe in any of that!

I don't, but the killer doesn't know that, does he? Or she.

SHE BANGS DISHES DOWN

All we've got to do is just get in there and sit around the table

and get Janine to do her thing, whatever it is she does -

all that "Whoo, is anybody there?" You know?

See who squirms.

Why are you doing that face? It's a genius idea!

THEY SPEAK QUIETLY

200 quid. What - to contact thin air?

To bring the spirits through. She could go to the off license,

get a load of vodka. Takes a lot out of me!

Takes a lot out of my pocket, if you ask me.

Do you want me to try it or not? UNZIPPING SOUND

CLOCK CHIMES

Did you get anything on Lyche? No record that I could access,

at least not in the public domain. Which means he's a fraud.

Or genuinely a spy. I've got a friend in counterintelligence.

I could try him. Yes, do that.

Something's not right. Daisy's all over him,

yet he can barely look at her.

DAISY: Silly, I know. Oh, me, oh, my! How very exciting!

We couldn't agree more! We're hoping that someone

with a connection to the castle comes through.

Highly unlikely.

Hi. Oh! Hey. Hi.

I thought I'd sit out that seance nonsense. It's not really my scene.

So, what - sitting alone with the rest of the ghosts is?

Ghosts? This place is haunted...

by the ghost of a bastard earl. HE SCOFFS

I know.

I've seen him myself.

LOW WHISPERS OF CONVERSATION Nothing.

ALL GASP

SHOUTS OF ALARM

All very dramatic.

Please hold hands, and keep holding hands, whatever happens.

The circle must not be broken.

EERIE HOWLING SOUND EFFECT

Who is there?

IN OLD LADY'S VOICE: Say hello to Tewkes for me!

Oh, my God, it's Mrs Josephs!

Silence! Someone else is trying to come through.

EERIE BREATHING SOUNDS

Did anyone else feel that wind? Yeah. Yes.

No. MABEL MOANS IN FRIGHT

Agh! EERIE BREATHING / WAILING SOUNDS

JANINE GASPS AND MOANS

IN FRANCIE'S VOICE: My journey is complete,

but my death is not avenged.

That's why we're here.

Who killed you?

Justice!

WOMAN SCREAMING ALL GASP

ALL EXCLAIM IN FEAR

What happened?

Someone turn the light on! No, don't.

There might be something else. JAMES: What sort of something?

Gemma, you're crushing my hand. Sorry!

CRASHING ALL GASP AND EXCLAIM

What is that? ALL GASP AND EXCLAIM

I'm sorry! I heard a noise out there. I had to come in.

Oh, my God, she's dead. What?

ALL GASP AND SCREAM

But how? No-one came in.

No-one went out. And we were all holding hands the whole time.

I'd better call Inspector Jessop.

EERIE HOWLING SOUND EFFECT

SIRENS WAIL

Good evening, sir. Your officers have taken our statement,

but just so you know, I'm DC Bill Wong, South Gloucestershire Police.

If you need any help... Well, actually, there is one thing.

Your friend - the loud one.

Mail her in, would you? Of course.

I take it they're all in bed now?

Yes. Worn out.

Nobody broke the circle.

So who did it?

Could Lyche have done it? I doubt it,

unless he's a silent assassin trained to kill with one bare hand.

Or he was in on it with Daisy, so he could get up and stab Janine.

I can't believe for a minute that the colonel and Daisy were in cahoots.

He barely acknowledges her existence. Daisy held my hand the whole time.

Gemma, you were beside Claude. Did he move? Rigid throughout.

Jennifer could've let go of Mabel. She could've done the deed.

She'd be strong enough. Mm. OK.

Roy, you check them out online first thing in the morning.

We will go to the chapel. I've no idea what Mabel was doing in there,

but it wasn't just praying. In the meantime...

...I think we should all get some sleep.

FLIES BUZZ

There must be something! Aggie, we've looked everywhere.

I mean, short of digging up the dead...

What you doing?

What you said. Digging up the...

Look. "Spencer Dulsleigh, Fourth Earl of Wyckhadden,

lived and died in this castle, 1436 to 1484."

He's the one who's on the portrait. No. You've lost me.

What if Mabel Dulsey is a descendant? She said at the seance

that she wanted someone from the family to come through.

So, what - you think she's trying to trace her family tree or something?

Oh, I think it's... it's way more than that.

Come on, Gem, let's find that book -

the witchy one with the hammers.

Um, medieval. Top bit, there. Aha!

Right. That's the one they were looking at.

But there was other stuff too, wasn't there?

There was stuff on local history, genealogy...

Oh!

This one looks like it's been put back in a bit of a hurry.

And it's got fingerprints all over it.

The Wyckhadden Bloodline!

A Tale Of Adultery And Gypsy Curses.

I checked out the golden girls. Nothing on Mabel, but get this -

Jennifer Stobbs is a lawyer, and her specialist field is...

Inheritance. Got it in one.

There are two lines descending from the fourth earl,

one questionable, one legitimate. Which I belong to.

We believe we have a case that Mabel Dulsey here

should inherit the castle from the present incumbent,

who lives in seclusion in Barbados. So, what about the dodgy line?

The earl had an affair with a local gypsy girl.

Do Francie and Janine belong to that branch of the family?

No. As far as we know, it died out.

So why go and see Francie?

A curse was put on the family along with a prophecy.

Harmony would be restored when the raven took over.

I have raven-coloured hair!

Ah.

So you went to see Francie and had her read your palm,

hoping for confirmation? And did you get it?

We think she was a fraud. I take it that's a no, then.

Mabel's lying. If nothing else, her claim on this castle

is about as real as my wig.

They could have fallen out with the Juddle sisters over the prophecy.

They're hardly gonna kill them over that, though, are they?

They might if the Juddles were gonna tell the owners what they were up to.

There's more to it than that. James, anything?

Just a couple of names of the illegitimate line.

Katherine Gooden, Gizup... SHE CONTINUES TO MUTTER NAMES

Bill, where have you been? The local police station.

Apparently they're closing in on an arrest. They can't do that!

I think they can. They found the murder weapon that killed Francie.

It was a rolling pin. They're hoping the prints on it

match the ones they found on the knife that killed Janine. Oh, wow!

Yeah. Sounds pretty open-and-shut, dunnit? Really? You think?

Matching fingerprints on the murder weapons?

No, that's too...

It's too... Conclusive? Exactly.

It's too obvious! Bill...

...why do think that Jessop didn't interview you all himself?

I mean, surely he'd wanna see the whites of your eyes,

see who cracks under pressure. We didn't do it!

But he doesn't know that, does he?

Well, he clearly had other lines of inquiry.

And we know from the circle that it can either be Lyche or Mabel Dulsey,

so it must be one of them they're going to arrest. What? So...

smart enough to stab someone in our presence,

and yet stupid enough to leave fingerprints all over the weapon?

No, we're missing something! What if there WAS someone else in the room?

Well, there wasn't. There was no-one there when the lights came on.

Nowhere for them to hide.

Roy, why did you come prancing in in a panic?

Oh, you know... waitress Carly,

she told me about a ghost, and I heard a noise.

So I just went in. Er, where?

Here?

I was hiding under the horse.

OK.

What did you hear?

A kind of creaking sound, and footsteps.

Hmm.

What's behind here?

DOOR CREAKS

A way in and a way out.

Well, that certainly explains the gust of wind.

So the murderer wasn't at the table.

But who else is there? Carly!

Carly Bridgeman, you're under arrest

for the murder of Francie and Janine Juddle.

You do not have to say anything, but it will harm your defence

if you do not mentioned when questioned something which you later rely on in court. It's not right.

Told you it was Carly. No, it can't be.

Oh, come on. Intuition, intuition...

CUFFS CLICK

Right, that's it. This must stop. Gentlemen, please stop! Please!

Esmeralda Gizup...

Gissup.

Do not worry, Carly. I shall deal with this.

Stop, Jessop! This isn't right! Agatha, what are you doing?

Please! This is police business. But it's not justice, is it?

Why would Carly kill Francie and Janine?

For Francie's money. Her prints were all over the money box,

the rolling pin and the knife. I help Francie with her therapies,

so of course I handled the box. And I work in the kitchens.

And riddle me this, my little sunshine.

What about Janine? There were ten people in that room when she died,

and not one of them saw Carly.

How did she get in there? Through the secret passageway.

You know about that, then, do you?

How? It's my business to know.

Oh, you see, I think you're barking up the wrong tree, Mister.

Because this is all about family trees.

You see, I don't think that the illegitimate line died out at all.

I think it lived on... Gissup.

Gissup...

Jessop.

I think you were stating a claim on the castle,

and Francie knew that. She found out your little secret,

and you were worried Janine would too.

You don't know what you're talking about. The tarot card in her hand

when she died... Justice.

The last thing that Janine said in Francie's voice? Justice.

It wasn't a request. It was the answer to a question.

When I asked her who killed her, she replied, "Justice."

Now, who represents Justice?

Now, tell me, why are you picking on Carly? Tell them,

or I will.

I'm trying to get to know this place.

It's not really what I'm into, but it'll have to be.

Carly is the owner's daughter. She'll inherit!

Of course! The raven-haired one.

MABEL WHIMPERS Oh, dear!

MABEL: All this way for nothing! You knew that, didn't you?

Which is why you were trying to get her out of the way,

to strengthen your bogus claim. I've had enough of this.

Agh! Argh!

You can't do this!

Argh! But I can.

SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

COLONEL LYCHE: I prefer it here. Because it's safe?

Jessop confessed. Marvellous!

What's she doing now? My contact got back to me about Lyche.

Something of an MI5 hero, apparently,

until he lost someone in the field and suffered a massive breakdown.

Doesn't like losing as a result.

You do know that Daisy's in love with you, don't you? Daisy?

No, I don't think so. She's young and beautiful,

and I'm... Well, I'm not, am I?

Oh, come on! What you talking about?

A lot of women find that laid-back military thing rather attractive.

You need to stop hiding and grasp the nettle.

No. I... I don't think I can.

Do it for her.

You're not the only one that needs to move on.

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT I was wondering if, er...

Shall we go for a walk, maybe? I thought you'd never ask!

Agatha is amazing, isn't she?

Yes, she is.

I missed you when you went away. Yeah. Well, we know the reason -

Just shut up and listen.

For once in your life, just listen.

I missed you when you went away...

...and it set me thinking.

You are a completely impossible,

and infuriating,

brilliant, frustrating,

magical nightmare of a woman.

Sort of getting mixed messages here.

And I want you to be MY infuriating,

brilliant, frustrating, magical nightmare of a woman.

Er... I-I know it's crazy.

We haven't even... We should've...

Er... But it's also so... so completely right.

Isn't it?

Agatha Raisin...

...will you marry me?

SHE SIGHS

BIRD CAWS OMINOUSLY

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