Original subtitles

WOMAN SCREAMS

OVER PHONE: 'How is it going?'

The Carsley Advertiser have taken photographs for a feature

and the reporter has been bribed with enough champers

to guarantee an outrageously good review

for Barfield Hall as a wedding venue.

'Great. Charles Fraith happy?'

Client happy?

Client ecstatic.

Did you hear that?

'You don't sound as ecstatic.'

Well, it's either because I've got sciatica from a yoga class

that this one signed me up for... Namaste.

That's yoga for "you're welcome."

Very good. ..or it's because I hate weddings.

She don't mean that. Oh, I think I do.

Bye, Roy.

SOBBING

Looks like the bride might hate weddings too.

If it's any consolation, I cried my whole wedding day.

Really? And you're still together?

Please say you are.

Yes, we are.

Children, grandchildren.

Mr Raisin and I couldn't be happier.

Are you all right, Helen?

I am now, babes.

Thanks to this kind lady.

Oh, and, JoJo, thanks for the lend.

No worries. Something borrowed, eh, babes?

Catch you later.

You don't look old enough to have grandchildren.

Oh, I'm not. Well, I am, obviously, because of what I said.

So, now, I'll hand you over to Mr Bernie Barrington.

Ladies and gentlemen, please, a toast to the bride and groom,

Kylie and Zac.

GUESTS TOAST COUPLE

Now...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I would like to thank

Kylie's mother for asking me to give her away.

Freda, it was an honour.

I haven't known Kylie all her life,

but I have known her all her working life and, Zac, she hates working.

LAUGHTER I give it a year.

Strike that. Six months.

Oh, stop it.

Seriously. She was in a right state earlier.

Look at him.

Looks like he's...

waiting for... A bus.

It must have been so difficult, Freda,

bringing up a child on your own,

this beautiful young lady.

GUESTS: Here!

THUNDER RUMBLES

GUEST: Do you hear that?

That's God, that is,

telling you to stop being so depressing.

SHE EXHALES

THUNDER RUMBLES RAIN PATTERS

DUCKS QUACK, BIRDSONG

CAR BEEPS

Agatha.

That's my name.

I think you've been avoiding me since we kissed.

No, I haven't.

Oh, you know, it's fine.

You can relax. I was a bit emotional and you were a shoulder to cry on,

literally.

Doesn't need to mean anything.

No, no, that's how I feel.

Good.

Agatha...

...um, drive carefully. There's been some flooding in Evesham.

Right.

PANICKED CHATTER AND SHOUTING

MAN: What's happened there?

SIREN WAILS What's going on?

MAN: Stay there!

Oh, no.

Kylie.

AMBULANCE MAN: Ready, set, lift.

It's awful.

They've just taken the poor girl's body out of the water.

Oh, Roy, this is...

A PR nightmare for Barfield Manor.

I know. Look, call Charles Fraith

and tell him not to worry because you're going to look into it.

Mrs Agatha Raisin.

What are you doing here?

As if I didn't already know.

Excuse me a minute, Roy.

You don't know. I was just passing.

Course you were. This is a police matter,

so do not start investigating it.

DO start investigating it.

Seriously, Agatha,

best to leave this one alone.

I definitely will.

I absolutely won't.

Phil.

I was at this girl's wedding.

You should question the groom,

Zac Leeson.

He looked like he didn't even want to be at his own wedding.

I can't arrest a man for looking like

he doesn't want to be at his own wedding.

A jury generally prefers evidence.

I will find evidence.

I mean, YOU will find evidence.

I'll just get on with my life.

The groom would be too obvious.

And anyway, all the signs are this is suicide.

There is no murder to investigate.

Hmm.

Oh!

I don't think I can do it.

It's not even natural, anyway.

Come on.

Brilliant. Oh, Aggie...

Rita knew Kylie.

I did. She and her mother came to my Saturday classes.

Really?

Really?

Um...

can I ask you a question?

What was Kylie like?

Very supple.

Sorry, you mean...

She was lovely. Did she ever seemed depressed to you?

No, she was very happy to be getting married to Zac.

His dad, Terry, owns Rave, the nightclub in Evesham.

Rave, I love Rave!

I did most of my teenage snogging in Rave.

Do you know...? Good old Rave.

Finished raving about Rave?

Thank you. Do you know where we could maybe find her mother?

Carsley police are saying that my Kylie killed herself.

She'd never kill herself.

Not on her wedding day or any other day.

Oh, it's really difficult to say this but...

were they happy? I told her she was too young to get married

but she never listened to me.

I was 22 when I got married...

to my ex-husband.

I'd really like to help, Freda.

CAT MEOWS

I was wrong about Zac.

That does not look like the face of a man

who is about to murder his wife. Maybe it was suicide.

Look, can we stop talking about this?

I thought we were having a business meeting.

Oh, I'm sorry, Charles. What is a mother losing a child

compared to you having three weddings cancelled?

PHONE RINGS, SHE SIGHS

What? 'I wanted to say sorry before you saw it on the news.'

Kylie Stokes didn't drown.

She disappeared after her wedding and at some point after that,

she was killed and her body was deep-frozen,

then dumped in the river.

You were right. It wasn't suicide.

It was murder.

It was murder. What?

How? Her body was deep-frozen

and dumped in the river. Deep-frozen?

That's horrible.

I have to talk to Zac

and to Kylie's friends. No.

I just think you shouldn't talk to anyone.

Just leave it to the police.

And what about your precious wedding business, Charles?

Forget about my bloody business.

I'm asking you, Agatha, please, not to get involved.

It's unlike Charles to get so emotional, isn't it?

The only thing Charles is so emotional about is his bank balance,

whatever he says.

Here we go, look.

REPORTER: I'm here with Kylie Stokes' broken-hearted bridesmaid.

Now, Sharon, can I ask for your reaction

to the police announcement that Kylie was murdered? Yes.

It's just awful.

I worked with Kylie at Barrington's, like we all did.

I loved that girl. And can I ask your name?

Phyllis Heger, purchase ledger clerk.

And model.

Kylie had two bridesmaids.

I met the other one briefly.

I'll need to talk to her and Zac and that awful Phyllis creature,

but without Wilkes knowing about it.

Simples. Right, you saw how desperate they were to be on TV.

We could say that Roy is the producer

of a new reality TV show

about what it's like to be young in the Cotswolds.

Answer - dreadful.

They'll tell you everything if they think they're going to be famous.

I like it. The Only Way Is Evesham.

Made In Moreton-In-Marsh.

I'll say I'm doing PR for your production company.

Yeah, and I could say that I'm one of the stars of the show,

like, the sexiest cleaner in the Cotswolds.

I mean, I won't say that.

BOUNCER: In you go.

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

Hey. What have you come as? TV producer.

What, a blind one?

Oh, they're your own clothes, aren't they?

Yes! Aww, can't believe I'm back in Rave.

I think I got off with that barman back in '02.

Look, Zac's dad.

Over there. But where is Zac?

Mmm! She's the one I spoke to at the wedding.

Look.

I'd like to order two of our friend Kylie who died's favourite cocktails.

TEARFULLY: Two screaming orgasms, please. Coming right up.

You would look great on camera.

What about me? Hollywood?

So, if we do this show of yours, what I want to know is...

Will you get paid? ..will I be able to release my own perfume?

For defs.

This is a high-profile show,

especially with all the media attention the town is getting

over the Kylie Stokes murder. Oh, she was our friend.

I was on TV about that.

Yeah, do you know, I was at the wedding

doing a little bit of PR for another client. Anyway,

I don't want to gossip, but it did not look to me as if Zac Leeson

was particularly enjoying his very special day.

What do you mean, gossip?

Look, I don't want to be on TV about anything.

Kylie was my best friend and Zac too.

TEARFULLY: And we're both heartbroken that she's gone.

Oh, that's a shame. That's a shame.

Tragic. Cos we were thinking a tragic love story.

I was thinking that. Romeo & Juliet stands the test of time.

It would be. It would be totes emosh.

Totes. Kylie definitely loved Zac and knew he was the one.

It was so romantic.

Apart from when Phyllis threatened to kill Kylie

for stealing Zac off her.

That wasn't so romantic.

Oh, so Phyllis and Zac were a couple?

I thought they were best friends.

Phyllis says a lot of things.

She hated Kylie.

Phyllis...

...is a psycho.

I want you to leave.

You are upsetting Joanna with all this talk

about my daughter-in-law and you are upsetting me.

Sorry, it's just that my client here is about to embark

on a new reality television show and we were hoping

to feature your club and therefore would need to talk to you

and to Zac. My son is in no state to talk to anyone.

You leave my son alone.

Would you kindly go?

Well, Zac looks just fine to me.

I mean really quite fine.

Look at his dad, though. He looks well dodge.

Maybe he's just playing the protective father card.

Either way, we're going to have to talk to that Phyllis girl.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Oh.

DULL THUD

DISTORTED: Agatha.

Can you hear me?

Agatha.

DISTORTED: Agatha, are you all right?

GROGGILY: What are you doing here? I was following you.

I told you I was worried about you getting into danger and I was right.

Come on.

OK?

Yeah.

Agatha, you need to drop this case before you get yourself killed.

Come on.

ENGINE TICKS OVER, CAR DOORS CLOSE

You sure you're OK?

What's he up to?

Bye. I'll see you later.

Oh!

Uh...

What is it?

Come on, let's get you inside.

SHE EXHALES OK.

Come on, let's get you inside.

Did Charlie call the police?

No, didn't even suggest it.

Ridiculous. Well, I will.

No, don't. Don't tell Wilkes.

I told him I wouldn't get involved, plus with this whole TV scam thing,

I could very well be charged.

I'm not giving up. I'm clearly onto something and...

I have to solve this one, James.

I need to talk to Zac if I'm to rule him out

and that awful Phyllis Heger creature. I'm coming with you.

Oh, no, it's OK.

Charlie said... Well, he's not.

These are dangerous people and, unlike Charles, I was a soldier.

You are going to be in very safe hands with James here who is our...

...head of talent.

Oh, like a posh Simon Cowell.

Yes, like a posh Simon Cowell.

Um, anyway, we, Phyllis, are looking for a star.

You found her, babes.

The search is over, Posh Simon.

Hurray.

SHE MOUTHS: Big fridge.

Big freezer.

Yep, what I was going to say from a PR perspective -

as soon as someone new is in the media and the tabloids,

they are going to start digging, digging for secrets.

Let 'em. I've got no secrets.

I'm an open book, me.

Good. While we're on the subject,

did you threaten to kill Kylie Stokes?

What?! What's that got to do with the TV show?

I just told you.

Yeah, I threatened her. She stole my Zaccy.

I loved him. But enough to kill Kylie?

No! Miss Stokes made a few threats of her own, I can tell you.

Did she? Mm-hm. Do you want to tell us?

The little tart had an affair with our boss, Bernie Barrington.

Bernie Barrington?!

Bernie Barrington who gave her away at the wedding?

Exactly. And when the old perv wanted to finish it,

Kylie threatened to tell his wife unless he paid her off.

Do you think you could get a body in that freezer?

You think Phyllis did it?

Well, I think she's guilty of being a brainless tart,

but a murderous brainless tart? Who knows?

What about Kylie blackmailing Barrington?

I know. Phyllis was more than capable of making that up.

Well, if she didn't make it up,

then Barrington is our prime suspect and a dirty old man.

But I'm hoping that Kylie's best friend, Joanna,

can tell me the truth about that.

Freda gave me her address, so I'll go and see her now...

alone. I don't want you to scare her off.

But thank you. Your help was very much appreciated today.

Nice hanging out with you... Posh Simon.

See you later, Agatha.

Hi. I want to apologise about the other night.

I know that you don't want any involvement in the show,

but if Kylie's story comes up and it is bound to,

I just want to make sure that it's dealt with properly.

Thank you.

Field's.

Is that the family business?

It was. It was my grandad's old shop.

Bit spooky living above it, but it's so close to Barrington's, to work.

Agatha wants to ask some questions about Kylie.

No, I'm so sorry.

You should have asked me to come back another time.

I really don't want to disturb.

It's fine. Oh, no, you're not disturbing anything.

We were just looking at the albums.

Thank you.

That was the year we started school.

Oh, it's lovely. I was the one that started them.

I kept them up. I'm a nerd.

Kylie was busy living life.

Me and the six-year-old Zac Leeson.

He asked me to go out with him at morning break.

By lunchtime, he had dumped me,

went back out with Kylie.

Heartbreaker, even then.

ANGRILY: No, they're in order.

For God's sake, it don't matter.

No, sorry.

I'm a bit on edge at the minute.

We all are.

What did you want to ask us about Kylie?

Oh, it can wait.

Really, it can wait.

You look after yourself, Freda, OK?

There was something you wanted to ask, wasn't there?

Oh, no. Now is not the time.

No, please, Agatha. I want to know.

OK.

Well, there is a rumour that Kylie was having an affair

with Bernie Barrington.

DOOR BELL RINGS "You lying perverted bitch, Raisin." Coming!

"You are just jealous because she was young and beautiful,

"you dried-up old spinster." You're not dried up.

Or old. Technically, you are a spinster.

Hello. Hello.

What? We've had a complaint from...

Freda Stokes. Yes, tell me about it.

Well, I'm going to.

She wants you to stop meddling in Kylie's case.

To be fair, Bill, she very much wanted me to meddle in Kylie's case.

I know, but that has to stop now. SHE SIGHS

Also, we've been getting reports of TV people asking a lot of questions

about Kylie's murder.

Oh, vultures!

You see, that's the media for you.

No shame. Producer's an effeminate man in his 40s.

40s?! No, he's...!

Is he?

I mean, I've worked in the media for a while

and I would say a producer of a TV show like that

would be quite butch.

Probably in his early 30s. Hmm.

Anything else you'd like to tell me?

Nope.

Right, well...

DOOR CLOSES You should have told him about Barrington and Kylie.

After we've talked to Barrington ourselves.

No, you can't talk to Barrington, remember?

Or anyone else about Kylie's case. No, I can't, but you can.

You need to talk to him and flatter him

into taking part in the television show. Not on your own.

Barrington could be a killer.

I'll go with you. James!

No offence - you may have been an exemplary soldier,

but you are the least convincing

fake reality television producer ever. Oh.

This is a job for an accomplished liar,

someone with absolutely no morals or scruples whatsoever.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Every show needs a precinct, a Central Perk,

a Queen Vic, a Rovers Return, or something that isn't a pub

or a coffee shop could work too.

Like the offices of a company

that sells computer software to accountants, like Barrington's.

Could be good for business.

You know, Bernie, I see you as a Cotswolds Alan Sugar.

You're fired.

Actually, you are not fired, little lady.

You're promoted and I'm going to slip you a great big bonus.

Hmm.

Agatha, I was wondering if you'd like to come over to Barfield,

have a bite of supper, update me on the case. DOOR BELL RINGS

Charlie, this isn't another of your lame excuses

to get me over to your house so you can make another pass at me, is it?

Because I'm telling you, you are wasting your time.

Charlie loves a challenge.

Yes, I know he does. Though thanks to Freda Stokes,

I seem to have bumped myself off the case.

All right, I'll see you later.

BOTH SIMULTANEOUSLY: Hi.

OK, I'll get straight to the point.

We are having an exhibition of old photographs of Carsley and Evesham

and would you mind helping out at a tea stall?

Everyone else has said no.

Why has everyone else said no to that?

No. Oh! Agatha!

You're always moaning about being made to feel like an outsider.

You always will be unless you get involved in village life.

Oh! SHE GROANS

OK. That's the spirit.

You're fired. You're funny.

Oh! Ha!

Oh! She's a tease. Ciao for now.

Psst!

What? He didn't see me.

I just wanted to see how you were getting on.

How did you get on? I told you, he could be a killer

and I wanted to make sure that Gemma and Roy have protection.

Well, once he'd finished trying to feel me up,

I gave him the, "Oh, you can't have skeletons in the closet

"if you want to be the Cotswolds Alan Sugar" line

and asked him if it was true that Kylie was blackmailing him.

What did he say? He denied it.

Oh! Our frozen bride, Kylie,

couldn't blackmail Barrington

because his wife already knew they were having an affair.

In fact, it was his wife's idea to give Kylie the 15 grand.

As a wedding present and as a thank you for having sex with Bernie

so that she didn't have to have sex with Bernie.

Oh!

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Freda, before you say anything,

firstly, I want to apologise for any hurt that I may have caused you

and, secondly, I think that you should hear this.

There it is. 15 grand from Barrington.

Oh, Kylie, what were you thinking?

TEARFULLY: So who killed my girl?

I don't know.

No, the day before the wedding,

she received five grand from Charlie Fraith.

You need to tell the police.

Charles is one of my oldest friends.

I can't believe he's a murderer.

Exactly, which is why...

Old friend or not, it's not looking good.

He was all over the place when you told him that Kylie was murdered.

He kept badgering you to drop the case, didn't even call the police

when you got mugged in the street and he gave the victim Ј5,000.

Listen, I'm sure there is

a perfectly innocent explanation for that money.

Well, there's...

probably a very guilty explanation,

but I'm pretty certain it doesn't involve killing anyone.

So, I am going to go to his house, we're going to have dinner

and I'm going to talk to him about it.

But surely him inviting you to dinner,

isn't that suspicious in the first place?

Well, not really, no.

It's just a ruse to get me over there so he can make a pass at me.

So, James, how do I look?

Really lovely.

Thank you.

Oh, you're good for me, Charlie Fraith.

I think I'd rather be bad for you. What are you like?

This is really delicious. What is it?

I don't know. Just something I got out of the freezer.

SHE GAGS

You all right? Yes. I think I need some water.

No, it's OK, I need to go to the toilet anyway.

Just twist. Yep.

Agatha? Oh!

What are you doing in here? I was just...

Pop Tarts are great, aren't they?

I need to go and get some Pop Tarts right now.

But you haven't had your dinner and you can have those Pop Tarts.

I only bought them for my nephew.

I'd quite like to have my own Pop Tarts.

I'm funny like that.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

You should probably get that.

I don't want to. Charlie? Charlie?

I was just in the area and I suddenly thought maybe Agatha

needs a lift home. And you were right, so well done.

Your car's just there and you've only had one drink.

But I was pre-drinking. Prinking!

I probably shouldn't have driven that car.

Bye, Charlie.

So what are we looking out for? Anything out of the ordinary.

Suspicious behaviour.

What's the matter?

Something familiar about Joanna's dress.

Whiskey?

Oh, I think I might have something to eat before

I start on the whiskey.

Surprised that Freda could afford Barfield for the wake.

She couldn't. I gave it to her for free.

Did you? Very kind of you.

To be honest, I'm feeling guilty.

Why do you feel guilty, Charlie?

Something borrowed.

I'm sorry? Joanna.

Oh, not now, please.

No, I was just going to say it's a beautiful dress.

Yes, it is. Local designer from Cheltenham.

My favourite. It's very similar to Kylie's wedding dress.

The fabric, the detail, even.

Is that something she borrowed from you?

Sure, Freda didn't have enough money for a nice dress

and I wanted Kylie to look beautiful on her big day, so...

Oh, why did you have a wedding dress?

Have you been married before?

No. Well, almost.

I bought it when I thought this man loved me enough to ask me to

marry him. Turns out he didn't love me at all.

Who was that then? Sorry, I probably shouldn't have asked that.

You're right, you shouldn't. But...

It was Terry Leeson, Zac's dad.

Please, it's a secret.

Terry would hate Zac to know that he was sleeping with one of

Zac's friends.

Charlie, I owe you an apology.

You are clearly in some kind of trouble and I should be helping.

But the truth is, my feelings for Agatha are getting in the way.

Sir Charles Fraith.

Acting on information supplied anonymously,

we're arresting you on suspicion of the murder of Kylie Stokes.

I called them in.

I'm sorry, but I had to.

SHE SCREAMS

Easy.

You are making a mistake. No, you are making a mistake,

unless you want to be arrested for withholding evidence.

Agatha Raisin, don't turn around. My dad will see.

I need to talk to you. I've got to talk to someone.

Meet me at the church tonight around 11. Please, just be there.

The mic should be live now.

Can you hear me, Agatha?

Yes, testing, testing.

Ground control to DC Wong. Can you hear me, DC Wong?

Rev and Mrs Bloxby should leave now. It's almost time.

The reverend and Mrs Bloxby should leave now for it is almost time.

Thank you for turning my church into a crime scene, Agatha.

I didn't ask Zac to meet me here, your Holiness.

I shall put some money in the little envelope.

Jose's the vicar, not the Pope.

Semantics, your Grace.

BELL TOLLS LOUDLY God!

Sorry, sorry.

Stacy had a call from Terry Leeson.

He's reported Zac missing.

Terry!

Can we talk? You're the last person I want to talk to.

I'm calling the police. No, no, no, please, don't do that.

You know that Zac had asked to speak to me last night?

They told me, yeah. Any ideas about what he may have wanted to talk to

me about? I've no idea why anyone would want to talk to you people.

I know about you and Joanna Field.

What? She told me yesterday that you and her had a relationship.

Me and Joanna had a relationship? You're crazy.

I used to pick that kid up from nursery.

What kind of perverted nonsense are you making up now?

I understand why you wouldn't want Zac to know about...

You come near me or my son again and I promise you, I will hurt you.

PHONE RINGS

Oh!

'Where are you?'

You promised to help out with the tea stall at the photo exhibition.

Oh!

I can't believe I'm at some dismal photography exhibition

when I should be out cracking the case.

Terry Leeson is up to something, I know it.

Leave the police work to the police, Agatha.

Anyway, speaking as a historian, I find the exhibition fascinating.

Really? Well, speaking as a normal person, I find it profoundly dull.

Agatha, Mr Green would like to give you a personal tour as a thank you

for helping out. What a very nice thank you that is too.

I will have my revenge. I know.

And here is the old town library which, interestingly,

was on a different site to the new town library.

That's amazing. Who would've thought it?

Right, talk me through this one, shall we?

I haven't finished talking through this one.

I think you have.

What? That? No particular interest there.

Wivern Street, Evesham, in the 1970s,

featuring the old Barrington's building.

The old what? What? What building?

If you don't mind, I should probably be packing up.

Not so hasty, Mr Green.

Wait a minute.

That is Field's. What?

Field's. Yes, Field's.

Family butchers. Though, to be honest,

I used to prefer Dowey's on the high street.

Oh, yes, their sirloin was wonderful.

Butchers have freezers, Mr Green. Mmm? Butchers have freezers!

Yes, I would hope so.

Otherwise the threat to public health would be unimaginable.

Joanna!

Joanna?

Joanna? Joanna?

GLASS SHATTERS

Oh.

Oh, please, God, let it just be Pop Tarts.

Ah! Oh!

I knew something wasn't right at the club

when you started asking questions about Kylie.

And then Freda tells me the famous Agatha Raisin

is investigating Kylie's murder.

I tried to shut you up then.

It was you. You that hit me in the street.

Did you kill Kylie Stokes?

I loved Zac.

He said he loved me and then that little tart stole him from me

like she's stolen everything from me ever since I was in kindergarten.

So, yes, I killed Kylie.

The great thing about your grandad being a butcher,

apart from the free sausages...

...is you learn how to use a knife...

...to cut up a carcass or even a body.

Straight to voice-mail. Let's go to Field's.

Wait, if anyone could get a snap of Field's, I should be very grateful.

You know me and Zac were having an affair right up until the day

he asked her to marry him.

And a good few days after, I said to him,

"Oh, I hope I don't get too drunk at the wedding

"and tell all of your guests that you've been shagging

"one of the bridesmaids."

Which is why he was looking so shifty.

Because he thought you were going to spill the beans.

Poor, gullible Zac.

Him and Kylie came over the day after the wedding

to return the dress.

Smug bitch crying about the happiest day of her life.

22 years of being second best.

I snapped, I went for her.

Zac pulled her off me.

Whack!

She hits her head.

Zac knew it looked bad for us and, of course,

he wants to go to the police. I said, "Yes, sure, OK.

"You go to the police and I will tell everybody about our affair

"and that you did it deliberately."

And then that night when the floods came, he dumped her in the river.

In your wedding dress? Nice touch, eh? That was my idea.

Ah! Oh!

JOANNA CHUCKLES

And then yesterday, Zac comes round and he tells me that is going to see

you and tell you everything.

So I pushed him in here and froze him to death.

Open the door!

AGATHA SCREAMS

Keep back. I'll do it. I'll kill her.

Calm down, calm down.

Get back. Put the knife down.

No!

Knife!

Kylie came to see me a week before the wedding

and for someone wanting to talk quotes from caterers,

she was wearing very little.

She made a pass at me and I couldn't resist.

Well, you could but you didn't.

Well, so, we were kissing and getting a little fruity

and suddenly she's shouting. Not in a good way.

She's saying I have assaulted her and that the only thing

stopping her going to the police is if I promise to reduce the price

of the wedding reception by Ј5,000.

Well, at Ј5,000, that was a very expensive snog.

To be honest, we might have got a little bit further than...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's enough. Spare the ladies the gory details.

No, this lady wants the gory details.

No, better not. Oh, OK.

This lady is putting the kettle on, then.

And this gentleman is going to come with you.

I'd just like to say that...

...I don't have any feelings.

Yes, I think we all know that, Charlie.

I mean, at least not like the ones we were talking about, so...

Good luck.

What's all that about? Absolutely no idea.

How old...? Do...?

Look, I was just going to say how old were you when you got married?

Me? Old enough to know better.

Do you have any regrets?

I don't really believe in regrets.

I think if you make a mistake,

you should just try not to make it again.

Yep, you're right.

I'm going to stay single forever.

Right, where's that tea?