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SIGN CREAKS

Where is everyone? New vet. Very handsome, by all accounts.

Lots of animals suddenly taken a turn for the worse. Really?

HE WOLF WHISTLES

CLUCKING, MEOWING AND WHIMPERING

PHONE RINGS

DOG BARKS

Mrs Josephs.

DOG YELPS Oop!

I have an appointment to see Paul Bladen.

PHONE RINGS Hello? Hashtag - waiting.

Take a seat.

Where, exactly? And for how long?

AGATHA SIGHS

Budge along, then.

What thee doing here, Harriet? It's Moby. He's not himself, Percy.

Not himself?!

Excuse me.

How do you know he's not himself? Who is he?

DOOR OPENS, GASPS

DISGRUNTLED SIGHS

Yep, folks, still only me.

Chloe, those were the wrong notes again!

DOOR OPENS

GASPS AND COQUETTISH GIGGLES

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Trouble with a stud.

Don't you just hate that?

Right, who's next?

CLAMOUR OF VOICES

Here we go. Come on in, fella.

What's his name? Hodge. Hodge.

So, you're our local hot-shot...

HODGE YOWLS Argh!

Got a feisty one here. I taught him well. I see that.

So, what made you take up residence in Coffin-dodger County?

The timing was right. That smacks of a broken heart, if you ask me.

No, no, actually, I take it back.

This is everything you always dreamed of, isn't it?

Self-made woman, work your butt off, prove all the doubters wrong, then jack it all in for the rural idyll.

Well, aren't you a cocky little ray of sunshine?

Fancy yourself as the new animal or people whisperer?

Well... If it's free PR you're after... Dinner, actually.

You know what? I'm sorry. I talk too much and I have no filter.

Just strike that. No, no, no.

Maybe I was a little hasty. I have a few trust issues.

Oh, so you did get your fingers burnt?

More of a full-body arson attack? Just a drink, then?

No, actually... the dinner thing's good.

Great. What about the cat?

You want me to bring Hodge?

No... I meant what's the problem with the cat?

Oh! Er...

He's just not himself.

HODGE YOWLS

Well, Jack, would you listen to you!

All right.

I can't hear you!

Call me when you get to a landline. Agatha! Can't stop!

Here he is!

Yes!

MEOW!

Not that ill, then? Fit as a fiddle. Well, apart from the discomfort caused by the rectal thermometer.

Eating.

Anyway, I just wanted to see what the fuss was about. And?

Guess who's bagged not one but two dates in one day?

Mrs Josephs? She's a dirty ticket.

Me, actually.

Dinner at seven with vet steamy.

So I better start getting myself ready. James II, I take it?

Well, I didn't have much luck with James I.

To be honest, I think that ship has well and truly sailed.

Not that it was ever in the harbour in the first place.

No, actually, it's an old PR fling looked me up.

Jack The Lad Pomfrit.

Jack?!

What did he want?

I don't know. We're going to meet tomorrow and reminisce about the good old bad old days.

What? What is wrong with you?

Got a problem with that? You've hardly cracked a smile since you got here.

That's the third time this week.

You've got to get that dodgy socket sorted.

Why do you think I'm seeing the vet?

But Tewks was fine yesterday.

I'm afraid he really is quite ill.

He won't feel a thing, though, I promise. It's definitely for the best.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Hello. I'm trying to get hold of Paul.

Who am I speaking to, please?

His... wife?!

So sorry I'm late.

Wow! You look lovely, by the way.

Everything all right?

No! Everything is NOT all right.

I've just spoken to your wife.

I called your home phone, and she answered.

I'm separated. That'll be Philippa. Philippa.

Who's that, then? Second wife, mistress, what? My sister, actually,

and her... warped idea of a joke.

She just dropped by and was cross that I was going out,

which is why I'm late. Do I look like I was born yesterday? I'm serious.

Cross my heart. I'll call her if you like.

Do you want to speak to her or shall I?

Actually...

Let's just leave it.

Shall we start again? Great.

GIGGLING You can't say that!

That's terrible! You're... you're sick!

You're saying that you don't like pets!

I'm not! You are!

I'm not. I'm saying I'm better with larger farm and working animals

and my dream is to one day open a hospital for them.

Awww! Which I will name after you.

SHE LAUGHS

Wow!

Oh, wait a minute! Oh...

Very serious face.

Oh, Paul...

I think I should probably go.

I haven't left any milk out for Hodge.

Cats can go months without liquid. Yeah, but he gets lonely.

They can go decades without company. They're cats, aren't they?

Survivors.

If a nuclear bomb went off, the next day you'd find a cat on the bonnet of the nuclear reactor.

Nuclear reactors don't have bonnets. I'm not a bonnet expert. No?

Not any more, no.

I'm expecting a phone call from M... Madagascar.

Paul, I have to go. Thank you for a lovely evening. It was delightful!

My treat next time. Yeah.

HORSE WHINNIES

WHINNYING, BANG

Hello, boys. Easy. Easy.

I'll have you right in no time, don't you worry.

Jack!

Ohhh!

So good to see you! Look at you!

Roy said you were thriving.

So, tell me, what are you doing this side of London?

You'll come out in a rash soon.

Oh, you know, bit of this, bit of that.

I'll explain why, but what can I get you?

The usual - double macchiato with a twist, yeah?

Oh! Sorry. Bill!

Paul Bladen. You went out with him last night. No, I didn't.

Agatha, you were seen in the pub.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, THAT Paul Bladen. Did you, um...

...go back to his place?

Excuse me, what kind of a question is that?!

He's dead, Agatha.

He was about to perform a minor operation on one of Lord Pendlebury's horse.

He seems to have injected himself with horse tranquilliser.

It must have been a tragic accident.

The syringe went straight into his heart.

Apparently the anaesthetic's thousands of times more potent than morphine.

What did you know about him?

Not a lot.

He...

had a sister. Try his sister.

He doesn't have a sister. He's an only child.

Right. Well, I...

I must have got that wrong, then.

Enjoy your coffee.

Why was Bladen alone? Where was Lord Pendlebury?

Or any of his staff?

And why did Bladen tell me he had a sister when he clearly didn't?

Whoever I spoke to on the phone was lying.

She said she was his wife.

Did you see Jack? Briefly. But not really, no.

Bladen wasn't stupid. Why would he inject himself with a deadly anaesthetic?

I smell a rat.

Well, that'll be a first.

Well, you did go out with a murderer and now a murder victim.

You're like one of those black widow spiders. I must remember that.

Oh, yeah, I asked him to come and look at your dodgy socket.

I thought maybe for some reason you were ignoring me.

Me? No! Why I was...

When... No!

Why do I feel the need to explain myself?

Aggie's caught a whiff of "murr-durr" in the air.

There's been another death, you know. I heard. Paul Bladen.

Radio Gene.

I swear that grocer is more informative than the internet.

And there's no shortage of people with motives. Like who?

Half the fishwives in Carsley, apparently.

Never mind their jealous husbands.

And Mrs Josephs.

He wasn't after a bit of dukey-duke with Mrs Josephs as well, was he?

No!

But he had Tewks put down.

Oh, no! Really?

I liked that cat. Even if he did have the breath of Satan.

I should check on her, actually, make sure she's OK.

So, maybe we should start by checking out Pendlebury and the scene of the crime.

I beg your pardon? That's what you do, isn't it?

You normally run a mile when I start talking about murr-durr.

First time for everything.

He always comes running when I tap his bowl.

So what did the vet say?

He said...

What DID he say, now?

I can't remember.

Just that it was for the best.

I'm so sorry. He was so lovely.

Grumpy bugger.

You know what he said just before he died?

"Make sure you keep using the Voltarol on your shoulder."

Or was that my Stan?

So, what was Bladen like?

I heard about your date.

Oh, did you? Well, he seemed OK, I think.

He asked a lot of questions about me

and talked about his dream of opening a hospital for medium to large animals.

He didn't really like pets.

That's a bit odd, isn't it, for a vet?

So do you know His Nibs here or what?

No, I know his daughter, Silly.

What? Cecilia. Everyone calls her Silly.

Oh, God, give me strength!

Lord Pendlebury.

Agatha Raisin and James Lacey from Carsley.

We're here collecting on behalf of children in Africa.

You're wasting your time, I'm afraid. I don't like children there. Too many of them.

Good day. Fine-looking stables you have here, sir.

I'm something of a horse man myself.

I was in the Household Division.

Mounted? Lifeguard.

Well... let me give you a tour.

It's a fantastic setting. Thank you.

Pendleburys have bred horses here since the Reformation.

You must be very proud.

(Excuse me. Could I have a quick word?)

I gather you had an incident here.

Did one of your horses have an accident? Oh, no. Our vet...

Oh! Ah!

Bit careless, isn't it? Clearly. But accidents do happen.

Why was no-one around to help him?

If you don't mind my asking.

Seems strange. Bladen must have known you can't operate on a horse on your own.

No, of course not.

To tell the truth, I'd forgotten he was coming.

And it was the stable lad's day off, so there was no-one here.

Is that a fact?

It is. How did you get along with him? Bladen, I mean.

Preferred his partner, Rice.

Less cocky.

Shall we go on?

My daughter Cecilia. James! How nice to see you.

Silly.

Pendlebury is lying. But what possible reason could he have for killing him?

I don't know that yet, do I?

Maybe Bladen was shagging his daughter.

Either way, he's a suspect.

And so is she. Silly?

On what grounds? Too beautiful.

You can't be that beautiful without being deranged.

Oh, that's brilliant(!) Makes total sense.

Everywhere you go, everyone you see,

people's jaws dropping. Messes with your head.

It's like Prince Charles.

Maybe this is a bad idea.

Too late, my friend. You've committed.

Right, I need to talk to Bladen's partner about Pendlebury.

That's about it, really.

Obviously, you know your way around all the IT.

What happened to Miss Mensa? Chloe? She handed in her notice.

Did she, now? That's convenient.

Far from it.

So, were her and Paul at it?

Terribly sorry, but Paul and I had dinner last night and I'm finding it a little difficult to process.

I think we're all struggling.

What was the problem with the horse? He had a respiratory condition. Paul went in to operate.

One of Pendlebury's staff should have been there to assist.

Paul wouldn't have made a mistake with such a lethal anaesthetic.

I've been going over and over that in my head.

I can only assume Paul started prepping on the assumption the stable lads would return and...

I don't know. We'll probably never know.

Is there any reason His Lordship might not have wanted the operation to go ahead?

Cherokee wouldn't have been able to sire for a while, I suppose.

Why is that important? Pendlebury breeds horses. He needs the money it brings him.

Excuse me.

Thanks. Bye.

Sorry.

Erm, yeah, couple of onions, please, Gene,

pound of tomatoes,

oh, and I need to know exactly

which villagers have been out to dinner with Paul Bladen since he moved here. Right you are.

Ooh, two ticks.

Ladies. Josephine.

PHONE RINGS

Silly?

No, not at all. Good to hear from you.

Tomorrow?

No, no, no, that'd be fine.

I'll see you then. Bye.

Guess what? What? Lord Pendlebury used his horse Cherokee as a stud.

And this is relevant because...?

Because an operation would put horsey out of action

and lose Pendlebury thousands.

Oh, OK.

I'll ask Silly about it. She wants to meet for a drink tomorrow night. And you said yes, did you?

Do you have a problem with me seeing her for a drink? No, I don't!

Hey. How did you get on with the fishwives?

OK, so they are... Present company excluded, obviously.

Emma Comfrey. Can't be her. She's on a cruise.

Next. And MRS Harriet Parr.

Harriet Parr!

Oh, that explains why Percy was so snippy about the goldfish.

So in terms of suspects, we have got Lord Pendlebury,

Percy and/or Harriet Parr,

who is going to be at the cheese and cider tasting tonight.

BUZZ OF CONVERSATION

Tragic, wasn't it,

what happened to Paul Bladen?

Such a breath of fresh air. Was he?

Can't say I noticed.

Josephine.

Tell me, did Percy know about Harriet and...? Oh, yes.

He caught them... canoodling.

Harriet's homemade hooch. It can strip paint.

Have some cheese and biscuits to soak it up.

Mrs Josephs.

You'd need a sponge to soak that up.

Justice. A dish best served cold.

I think you mean revenge.

Korma.

What goes around...

I think that's karma.

Much calmer now he's dead.

Call on me first thing tomorrow.

I'll tell you everything you need to know about Paul ruddy Bladen.

I love you!

I know you're in there. I love you!

Look, I'm staying nearby and I'm not leaving until I've seen you.

Do you hear me?

Roy? Roy?!

ROY! What do you mean, "Roy"?!

Jack!

You turned Jack The Lad Pomfrit.

That man was straighter than a Roman road.

What did you do? No, don't answer that.

He was just another guy.

It was just another party. Hmm?

OK, weekend. Mm-hm.

All right, fortnight in Morocco, but how was I to know?

He's left his wife and everything.

What? Really? Jack had a wife?

Er... you have finished it, haven't you?

I can't. It'll break his heart. You saw him.

Oh, what do I do?

Man up!

Actually, woman up.

Roy, you have got to tell him the truth.

Hello!

SHE KNOCKS

CLOCK TICKS

Mrs Josephs?

SHE GASPS

Oh, Mrs Josephs!

INDISTINCT MESSAGES OVER POLICE RADIO

SHE SIGHS

Who on God's earth would want to kill Mrs Josephs? No-one.

Mrs Josephs was a diabetic.

It looks like she made a mistake injecting herself. So it wasn't murder?

Why would it be?

Because last night...

she said she had something to tell me about Bladen.

Agatha, go home. We'll be over in a while to take a statement.

OK?

OK.

She said justice was a dish best served cold

and then she mentioned korma.

Chicken or lamb? Really? You're missing the point.

I'll be the judge of that.

What's wrong, Wong?

Earlier on, you told me this was natural causes. Now what's all this?

You think it's murder, don't you? I don't think anything.

Until someone tells me exactly what to think, I don't think at all.

And neither should you.

Constable.

OK. Forensics found scuff marks on the stairs

all the way up from the front room to the bathroom, as if Mrs J was dragged upstairs.

So why do that? Unless someone had given her a lethal dose and made it look like it was an accident.

But why? What's the connection to Bladen or Pendlebury?

And what did Mrs Josephs want to tell me?

Could anyone have overheard her arranging to meet you?

Most of the women at the Carsley Ladies Society.

Sarah, Josephine, Harriet Parr...

Harriet Parr!

Of course!

Maybe Mrs Josephs had something on Harriet about Bladen.

Does Bill say anything in his little black book

about any of the neighbours seeing anyone entering Mrs Josephs' house?

No-one. But it does say here

the murderer could have used the field at the back of the house.

The thing is, if I had murdered Mrs Josephs

by injecting her with something,

I wouldn't leave that something lying about in amongst her bottles and pills.

With you so far. So what would I do? I would hurl it out the car window at the first opportunity,

probably somewhere round about here.

The killer injected Mrs Josephs with a sandal?

Well, if you've got any better ideas... No.

But I'm supposed to be seeing Silly soon. What are you thinking, Gem?

Agatha's right, but they'd be all indecisive.

So they'd think about chucking it, but then they'd stop...

They'd be effing and blinding...

"Why did she effing have to do that, silly old bag?

"Why couldn't she keep her effing nose out of it?"

They'd be ranting... Take it further up the road...

Yeah. Round about...

to here, where you'd chuck the whatsit out the car

and it would land, well, round about here,

where that funny little bottle is.

No! Don't touch it!

You'll contaminate the evidence.

Epinephrine.

I know about that from my Army days.

It's adrenaline,

which, if injected, can cause a heart attack.

I knew it! Natural causes(!)

Which one of our motley crew of suspects would know about adrenaline?

Well, there's Pendlebury and his silly daughter.

But Mrs Harriet butter-wouldn't-melt-in-her-mouth Parr? Really?

Fair point.

Although she did used to be a district nurse.

Oh. Oh, we have to tell Bill.

Right, you need to stay here and guard the bottle.

You can go and tell Bill.

Roy, Jack. I'll go and confront Harriet Parr.

SHE KNOCKS

I want to talk to you about Mrs Josephs... and Paul Bladen.

Come in.

Hello, James. Hi.

Silly. So sorry.

So, as a district nurse, you must have given out injections willy-nilly.

Yes, at times. Why are you asking?

I think I'm just gonna cut to the chase.

I know about you and Paul.

And I know that Percy found out.

But that didn't stop you.

Which is why you took a perfectly healthy goldfish to the vet's.

But Percy followed you, didn't he?

So you couldn't see Paul. And even that didn't stop you. I don't know what you mean.

It was you I spoke to on the phone, wasn't it, pretending to be his wife?

What happened?

Did you and Paul have a row and did Mrs Josephs know how you felt about him?

And she threatened to tell the whole village? No!

I just wanted to see Paul.

He was so young and so brave.

He was going to found a veterinary hospital for medium to large animals.

I could never harm him.

Get out. Just get out!

There's something I wanted to ask you.

Do you think there's something wrong with me?

Am I not attractive?

No. No, not at all.

Oh.

I didn't think so. No. No, no.

No, you're VERY attractive.

Why would you think otherwise? Because of Paul Bladen.

I tried everything.

I threw myself at him, literally.

Bared my soul and... more.

He just wasn't interested.

I'm sure it's not that. Everyone thinks I'm this spoilt little rich girl, but I'm not.

We're completely skint.

Is that why your father didn't want Bladen to operate?

I didn't know he didn't.

Do you know where he was when Bladen was killed?

Yeah, sure.

He was with me in London. We had a meeting at the bank first thing.

We didn't get back till the evening.

Oh, right, where's Jimbo, then?

Anyway, I was telling everyone about the swearing. I was just messing about.

And that is when we found it. Here we are, look. He's put in a marker.

The bottle with the adrenaline in it used to kill Mrs Josephs.

It's probably got fingerprints on it.

What bottle?

Agatha's not going to be happy.

True, generally.

Aggie.

THEY CHAT

James, what are you doing here with HER?! You were supposed to stay with the bottle,

because that could have been the incriminating evidence

that could have nailed Percy. Percy? What happened to Harriet?

Never mind Harriet! This is the medicine bottle you told me about? Yeah. What?

I can't believe you've told her. No, it's fine.

She was with her father when Bladen was at the farm.

Which rules them out, no? Right, OK. Who else have you told?

Anyone else? About the bottle.

Could anyone have overheard you, maybe, in the pub?

Sarah, Jean...

Josephine... Brilliant(!) Loads of people.

And that woman who kept eyeing you up.

Excuse me, can you just...

What woman? The blonde with the Brummie accent.

The vet's secretary. Chloe Mabbs, yeah. And she's after the barman.

So maybe Bladen dumped her and she wasn't happy.

She would have had access to adrenaline. Right, so how do we find her? Friday night...

Jesters in Evesham. That's where everyone goes.

I have to tell DCI Wilkes. Must you?

MUSIC POUNDS

What is this music?

Acid house funk techno trance dub stuff.

There she is!

We can't chat to Chloe on the dancefloor, can we?

We need to create a distraction.

Someone's going to have to go in there.

I'm in charge. Leave it to me.

Thank you.

Brilliant!

What's he doing? He's creating a distraction.

Coming through. Police business. Out the way. Thank you.

Right, Mr DJ, cut the music.

MUSIC STOPS Thank you. Police business.

CROWD MUTTERS DISAPPROVAL

Away, please. Make a bit of room.

CROWD HECKLES HIM

MUSIC: Word Up by Cameo

Oh, my sweet goodness.

CHEERING

A word. Were you eavesdropping on him in the pub? Him?! Do me a favour!

Why did you leave your job? No Bladen to ogle - no fun.

Did you go out with him? No chance! He only went for rich bitches.

I've not got a penny.

Nor has Cecilia.

Maybe that's why he didn't go for her.

Whereas...

Whereas what?! Harriet Parr isn't rich!

Yes, she is. Percy's so tight, she's got a fortune.

Well, why did Bladen need money? For his animal hospital for medium to large animals.

He wined them, dined them, shagged them, and then asked them for money.

♪ Word up! ♪

CHEERING

Calm down! Calm down!

CHURCH BELL STRIKES THE HOUR

Look...

About Bladen.

It's not like you were to know. I don't want to talk about it.

We're going to find out who killed Mrs Josephs, because she was a good woman.

And then I'm going to go and join a nunnery.

You can't do that! Why not?

I'd... miss... all this.

And...

...I'd miss you.

James, you're only doing this because you're bored and you've got writer's block.

I'm not stupid.

Hodge!

YAWNING

You got some sleep, then? Yeah.

Well, I think I drifted off about five.

The cards and cakes of support are from the villagers.

The flowers are from Josephine Webster

and Sarah says not to worry - there's already a search party out for Hodge.

Oh!

Hodge!

Well, would you look at that!

So why Josephine Webster?

Well, she's a widow and she's got stacks of cash.

She was at the ladies nights, so she could've easily heard Mrs Josephs talking to me.

And she was in the pub when James was spouting off about the bottle.

And she was the one spreading the word about who Bladen had gone out with. But maybe, just maybe,

she neglected to include herself.

She's going.

Where's she going?

Let's follow her.

Quick!

Him!

What's she doing with him?!

What's he doing with HER?!

Maybe you're right. Maybe they have got Hodge.

Park Hodge just for a second.

We all know that Bladen tried it on with every fishwife, every...

Lots of people, and therefore, possibly her.

And as we can see,

Rice is clearly enjoying her company.

So what if he had a grudge against Bladen and killed him? How can we prove that?

I could go to the surgery, check the appointments book, see if he was there that morning.

And what do I do? Just a second.

Excuse me!

They're booked in for dinner at seven, so they're not going to be going anywhere soon.

You stay here and watch them. I'll go to the surgery,

check the appointments book and have a little look for Hodge. And I just stand here?

Why not? Or you could salve your conscience and, er... contact Jack.

Jack.

What are you doing here?

This is where I've been staying.

I honestly did not want it to be like this.

But at the end of the day...

I shouldn't have been a coward, and I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

And I never... ever wanted to cause any problems in your life.

But the truth is...

you and I...

We're just not meant to be.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Will the woman who was asking about you earlier be joining you, sir?

Blonde hair, sharp bob, lots of colour?

SHE WHISPERS: Hodgy!

My little man!

Don't worry - if you're in here, I'm coming for you.

Just after I've done this.

Tuesday...

Thursday...

Bingo! He WAS out the day Bladen died!

Gemma, where's Agatha?

Who'd have thought it?

You finally being straight with me.

I meant everything I said.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

PHONE RINGS

Where are you, and where's Agatha?

More to the point, where's the vet?

MEOWING Ssh!

Be quiet!

Tewks! What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be dead.

You haven't seen Hodge, have you?

Hodgy!

Hey, Mister!

Hello, my wee man!

YOU, Hodge, are coming home with me.

I'm not sure he is, actually.

You can't kill me. The police will know.

Do you think? I'm not sure.

I could have discovered you breaking into my surgery.

Why did you kill Bladen... let alone Mrs Josephs?

No, she was a mistake. A mistake?!

Josephine told me she wanted to talk to you.

I thought she knew something. I confronted her. She was confused. I lost my temper.

What about Bladen - was he a mistake too?

Paul could have been a great vet, but he wanted to run before he could walk.

I knew he'd be good for business.

He didn't like dealing with pets. He wanted to build an animal hospital.

And for that, he needed money.

So he started fleecing women left, right and centre.

Including Josephine.

Yes.

I'd spent years waiting for her. Waiting for the day when she saw that I was the one.

Instead, he steamed in there, wined her and dined her, and...

Broke her heart.

I knew he was up at Pendlebury, so I went up there to have it out with him.

And when I got there,

I saw this.

Why should Paul have everything? Why should he get what he wants?

You don't have the monopoly on being a sad loser. None of us get what we want!

What we do is we find people who are all right.

And we cling to them. Good people.

Like Mrs Josephs.

She can't even tell me her Christian name.

AGATHA YELLS

< YELLING

Rice!

Aargh!

Castration forceps.

Nice work, Gemma.

MEOWING

I thought Tewks had... Oh, yeah. No, Mrs J was just confused,

because the vet was only keeping him in overnight cos he had that whiffy breath stomach thing.

Anyway, sorted now, cos Ags is adopting him. Where is she?

At Mrs Josephs'.

MEOWING

SHE SOBS

Oh!

SHE SNIFFS

Judith.

Her name was Judith.

SHE SOBS

You're gonna get snot all over your jacket.

I don't care.

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