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k Yeah

- Hey, y'all!

It's me, Reverend Paid.

You know, Kwanzaa's just around the corner and guess what?

I'm about to drop my new CD.

It's called, Hey Man, It's Me, Jesus.

Let me kick you down a little something from my single.

k Hey man it's me

k Jes-us

k Hey man it's me

k Jes-us

k Hey man it's me

k Je-sus

k Open up

k Open up

k And let me in k

k Yeah yeah yeah

k Hustle

k I know everything's gonna be all right

k Hustle hustle

k From the sunrise through the late night

k I gotta make it

k Hustle

k Hustle hustle

k I know everything's gonna be all right

k Hustle hustle

k From the sunrise through the late night

k Late night, yeah

k I gotta make it out the hood

k I gotta find a way out

k Some say that I'm misunderstood

k But

k I gotta get mine somehow

k I wanna live my life

k Right on that cloud nine

k I made up my mind

k See it's my time to take what is mine

k I want it all k

- Seems like there ain't nobody here but the roaches.

- Roach Stompers!

- Good morning guys, you're here for the trash?

- Trash?

Man you better show her your wings.

- We're from Roach Stompers.

We're here to stomp out some roaches and some ants.

- The ants, that was a one time problem.

I will call right now, I will cancel the monthly service--

- Wait, wait, one second.

We drove a long distance to get out here.

- You better let her know something.

- All right? And we gonna kill some bugs.

- Tell her! Tell her!

- Roaches, ants, - Tell her!

- Caterpillars, wasps, horse flies, crabs, tapeworms--

- Shh! Please come in. Hurry up!

- This stuff works.

- Get it, get it, go on and get it.

Get it, go on and get it.

- Okay, upstairs to your right we've got all the bedrooms,

to your left the formal dining room.

Come here, come, come, come, come.

And here, my living room.

- Nice place.

- Uh-huh.

- You got a boyfriend?

I'm just playing. - Excuse me?

- Do you? Nah. I'm just playing.

- Listen lady, you are in denial.

See, all homes got bugs.

- Yeah, it's always something different.

Like right now, we're looking for the G-Roach.

- G-Roach? What's that?

- It's a roach that a real G.

Like Tupac and 50.

Yeah, you can shoot 'em with spray nine times

and it just won't die.

They can eat through anything.

- You can smell it too?

- Lady, it's not a game. We're professionals.

Junior, stay in here. I'm going to check upstairs.

- I got you, man.

- Sir, straight ahead to your left, upstairs.

You got 20 minutes.

- Okay.

- Yeah, 20 minutes. - And that goes for you too.

- 20 minutes, in 20 minutes.

20 minutes is all I need.

In fact, that's more than enough time.

- You got it. And wipe off that junk.

- I know all about roaches, see.

- Damn!

Oh yeah.

Mother-of-pearl gonna rock my world.

- Stop that!

- I wasn't going to do anything--

- I am talking to you!

You! You!

Have you been hanging out with Britney?

Have you got pit bulls fighting in your backyard?

Is your woman a woman gone buck wild?

If so, you need to get Satan

out yo life!

The Lord is the answer.

- No, my brother, this is the answer.

Cute.

- Join me, Rev. Paid, every Sunday at my House of Worship,

five services start at 6 am.

- That's roach dookie.

- No, it's not.

- That's roach dookie.

- I'm telling you that is dust, okay.

Yeah, that's it.

- Freddy.

- What, Junior?

- Come on down here, man.

I done found the mother lode, man.

A whole big ol' pile of roach dookie.

- You can fix it.

- That's roach dookie.

- No, it's not.

- Ma'am, - Can you press on--

it's probably where they converged after a large meal.

Look how much it is.

That's roach dookie.

- It's not.

- You don't believe me, huh?

- No, I don't.

- What's that?

- I don't know. It's dust.

- Smell it.

- You smell it! How dare you?

- Fancy food, fancy wine, fancy talk,

doo-doo on the floor.

- You fancy this! Got that?

Now you clean up and you get out!

- Hey, Freddy, you get you ass down here!

Get your ass down here right now!

- Dammit, Junior!

- God damn!

Freddy, get your ass down here!

Freddy!

Mother lode.

Freddy, get your ass down here!

- Man, we got to go.

A mouse almost bit my damn face off.

We gotta go.

- Look behind the couch.

That's where all the roaches from Harlem

done went on vacation, they behind this couch right now.

- Damn!

Man, it's like a roach racetrack!

- Yeah, what's up now bitch?

Huh? What's up, huh?

Look at me, what I'm doing!

This is Junior doing this to you.

- Junior,

don't look down.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get it.

I got it, I got it, I got! Come on, calm down.

- Get out!

- Come on, Junior, we gotta go, let's go.

- Hey, hold, hold, hold on. What'd you do?

- What? What do you mean, what'd I do?

- What'd you do? I ain't do nothing.

What you talking about? I ain't do nothing.

- You done stole something, huh?

- What you mean? I ain't steal nothing.

What you talking about, I ain't steal nothing.

You stole something.

- I ain't steal nothing, what you talking about?

- You know how I you stole something?

Because I'm a kleptomaniac just like you.

And just like you, I was at the meeting last night

seeing you raise your hand up.

"Yes, I'm Freddy the kleptomaniac,

"and I'm ashamed of what I do."

- Are you done, Martin Luther King?

Are you done now?

You got problems yourself.

- I'm not going back to jail, because you in denial, okay?

- I'm hurt, really hurt by it.

- "My name is Freddy, I'm a kleptomaniac."

- Stop projecting on me, fight your own demon.

- From the rich white woman with the the big ass titties,

tonight.

- You know what your problem is?

- Hey, I'm not going back to jail!

- You need counseling, that's what you need.

- My goddamn job ain't worth shit.

So what you get anyway, was it Rolex?

- A pearl necklace. - Pearl necklace?

- Real pearl, you see how these shining?

Look, when they catch the light, think a thousand dollars.

k Don't let nobody tell you what you can't do

k Shake it off, you move

k Don't let it stop you

k If you want it, go get it

k Don't put limits on yourself k

- Man, I hate this. Roach Stompers is ruining my life.

Look at us, man. We look ridiculous.

This is embarrassing.

You got an antenna on your head,

I got an antenna on my head.

We 30 years old.

Well actually, I'm 30, you're a little bit older than 30.

I can see, because you got little lines on your eyes.

You see how they did Raul?

When he retired, what did they give him?

A fake gold roach watch.

What the hell is he gonna do with a fake gold roach watch?

- Freddy, first of all, you need to stop tripping

about the Roach Stompers thing.

That's our job, it's an honest living.

Because of Roach Stompers, we gone eat.

And far as the fake gold roach watch is concerned,

that watch was fly.

- Are you serious? - That's right.

- Roach Scout number 1! This is Ali Babba!

Roach Scout number 1! Come in Roach Scout--

- Roaches live off men.

But we live off roaches.

- Right, I was tripping. I was tripping.

I was about to quit just now.

But you know what, you just reeled me back in,

you brilliant, man.

You deep.

Get your ass out the truck, right now.

- I know you hear me, Roach Scout number 1!

Hey, dumb-dumbs, get your radio!

- Man, you sure we ain't gonna get a ticket

parked over here?

- Man, stop tripping, we gonna be okay.

- Indeed we are blessed.

Now before we pick up in here correctly, today.

I have a few announcements.

I would like to thank Brother Jay for the gift.

- Oh, damn. That's some mess.

- Breath. That's his breath.

Smell like he got bodies up in here.

- I never noticed that before, man.

- Biggie Charles!

Hey, Biggie!

- I hear, I hear, you fried chicken looking mothers.

- Hey, Keebler. What you doing out your tree?

- My man, Biggie Charles. Give me five.

- You got the same lips as a German shepherd.

- Well give me two and a half then.

- I ain't giving you shit, darkness.

- Well, you just gonna leave me hanging, now Biggie?

We was just gonna bring your ass a happy meal.

- Y'all finished with the jokes? Black and blacker.

Where's my hooker at, you punks?

- Oh the hookers!

See, the hookers were all within a 500 mile radius.

They heard about your breath and they ain't with it.

- How about if I bust a cap in your ass, punk?

Would you like that, huh?

- Before you even get to your gun,

I'll go bowling with your ass.

- Calm down. - Let him go!

Let him go, man!

- Come on, man!

- You ain't felt no pressure like this,

not since the shot your ass out the cannon.

- Bring it. - Calm down, calm down.

Junior, go ahead, man. Go to the car.

- Get on your knees, I'll whoop you so bad

just like you stole something.

- Soccer kick your ass across the street.

- Do it, come on!

- Sorry about that, man. He suffers from dark syndrome.

You know black people always mad.

- I don't like your boy there, you know.

He's like a evil Eddie Murphy.

What's wrong with him?

- Check it out, though, we're just trying to make this money

so we can live the American Dream.

- There's the guy who gets the American Dream.

- The devil ain't gonna call you and make a reservation!

The devil ain't gonna send you no email!

Send you a text!

The devil ain't gonna knock on your front door!

- Tax-free dollars going straight in his pocket.

- Man, come on.

- Walking! To your! House!

Walking! To your house!

- Everybody pays taxes, even that fool.

- The devil slides in.

- Man, how you be from the hood and not know

that churches don't pay taxes?

- Slide--Oh Lord, ooh.

- You guys are more stupid than you look.

- Aw, damn man, we're getting a ticket

on the roach truck.

I told you not to park there, man!

- Cut the camera, they can't see all this.

- Today, you're gonna have to dig deep, Yoda.

- Yeah man, come on with it.

- Sla-dow!

- Oh Wow! Yeah.

- You like that?

- Where did you get this from some rich white woman?

- Don't worry about where I got that from.

Give me $300 for it.

- Now that your friend is gone, are you bisexual?

- Fuck all that, cut the goddamn camera.

- Hey, that ain't even necessary.

- All right, if you could read the sign says,

"No parking, Monday through Friday, 8 to 6, 9 to 12, 2 to 4,

"midnight to 4, Saturdays excluded."

- Go on and put it on then, I'm just gonna tear it up.

- You're gonna do what?

- Tear it up.

- Tear it up, then, with your bad ass.

- Like I said, I'm gone tear it in itty-bitty, tiny pieces.

- Oh snap.

I know you didn't do throw that in my face!

This ain't no plaything for me.

- What's your number, ma?

- Hey! What's going on here?

- No problem, sandwich man.

- This is my block.

And we don't want your kind of trouble around here.

So why don't you just take it to the hood, homey.

Say, why don't you bite my bun?

- Hey, you don't want no beef with me, okay?

- I promise you, I get more chicks

dressed like a burger than you do as a roach.

- Hey!

- You want me to poke you with your antenna?

- You a veggie burger, bitch!

- I wanna go now!

- I need some backup.

Hamburger and a bug, they're having a fight!

- Get out of here, get out of here!

- Hit me with that broom one more time,

I'm gonna solve all your problems!

- Fuck with me, then! Shut up!

Man, get up! - Mayday, Mayday!

- Get out of here!

- We got robbed again.

- Probably getting his little ass whooped right now

by a hooker that's doing him for his pearls.

- I already canceled my service!

- Wax on, wax off. What's up?

- Oh, no, no, no, no! No bug spray today.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's gonna take us ten minutes.

We'll be out of here in ten minutes.

- I cancelled service!

- Ten minutes is all it's gonna take.

I'll see you in a little bit, okay.

- Please don't spray food!

Last time you here, you broke my bottles.

- Hey, nobody broke no bottles, man.

We professionals, okay?

- I hate Roach Stompers! Bad for business.

- No more bug spray, please, please!

You ruin my business. Leave my store.

- Freddy.

Freddy.

- Roach, Roach Stompers, stop.

Roach Stompers, stop.

- Everything all right?

I got some family in the Wu-Tang Clan.

Wu-Tang! Wu-Tang!

Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin' to fuck with.

I'll be out in the car.

- Junior.

- Y'all like the Four Tops, I'm gonna call y'all

the Four Chops, y'all just need another member.

Okay, don't even worry about it.

Go ahead and sign this right here.

Number One, number two, and number three, please.

Just go ahead.

You're not gonna sign it.

We're gonna send the bill out to your house.

Don't even worry about that,

I'm just gonna go and head up out of here.

- Roach Stomper.

Give him the money.

- It's about to jump off right now!

- Would you like to buy some brownies, mister?

- Do I smell like I got any money?

- Eww, we're never gonna get enough money to go camping.

k Faster, faster, I need to go faster

k Faster and faster, I need to go faster

k I gotta get away

k I gotta get away

k I gotta get away

k I'm moving full speed

k Y'all ain't gonna catch me

k I gotta get away now, get away, yeah

k They're chasing me

k But they ain't gonna catch me

k I gotta get away, get away, yeah

k Come on k

- Junior, stop the van!

Yo Junior, stop the van, man! Come on!

It was an accident, man.

I'm your best friend, Junior.

Junior, stop the van. They're gonna kill me, Junior.

- It's best friends all over the place.

- I've been your best friend since kindergarten.

Junior, it wasn't my fault, Junior.

- It's always your fault.

- Junior, they're gonna kill me.

- They're gonna kill you, not me.

- Stop the van, they're gonna kill me, Junior.

- All I gotta worry about is renting a tuxedo

to wear to the funeral.

- Junior, stop playing, Junior!

- You got you a nice little workout.

Get your ass in the truck, bitch.

Where the money at?

- I lost it.

- No. - Go!

- You lost the money?

- It wasn't my fault, Junior.

- You lost the money which means now we in all this trouble.

- If I would've kept it though. But I didn't lose it.

You'd been all on my jock, Junior.

- Whenever I hang out with you, I end up in trouble.

- Can't catch me. I'm the Gingerbread Man!

- You're an asshole!

- It's healing time.

Man infected with devil sadness, evil racing in his head.

Heal!

- Yes, Lord. - God!

- Thank you. Mm-hmm.

- Hey, mama.

- Don't "Hey, mama," me, boy. Where you been?

- Working.

- And where is your shoe?

- They just put a new sole in--

- Freddy, I hope you ain't still selling them fake Jordans.

- Ain't nobody sold no fake Jordans. We good, how you been?

- Don't you get too comfortable, now.

I need you go on back there and check on Zoey.

She been waiting on you all day, alright?

- You got your hair done, huh?

- Get on out of here, now.

- I like your robe, mama, it's nice.

- Freddy, if you don't your ass out of here!

- Anybody call me today?

- No, ain't nobody call you.

If you don't go, I'm coming to help you get there.

Now.

- That's one crazy rascal.

- Yes, he is.

- How you doing, mama?

- I'm doing good.

How you doing, Junior? Staying out of trouble?

- You know that.

- All right, now. You keep up with the good work, okay?

Cute old smile of yours.

Go on over there and sit down.

- Out devil! Go on get up out of here.

- Boy, if you don't get your foot off my table.

- This broadcast to bring you a special report.

Listen, bitch, just get my money.

We're on?

We interrupt the Reverend Paid Gospel Hour

with a breaking story.

Money rained over downtown streets today

as lucky passers-by snatched thousands in cash.

- I sure wished I've been downtown today.

Sweetheart, why your lips so ashy? You all right?

- Well you know, mama, I ain't been drinking

a lot of water lately.

- You know you should never let your lips

get that ashy, honey, you can get sick like that.

I'll get you some Vaseline for your lips.

- Okay, mama.

- All right, I'm gonna get it for you. I'll be back.

- You got your nerve,

talking about my lips.

How about your two pound breakfast?

- Junior if you don't get your foot

off my damn table!

- $5,000 in prayer.

- Daddy, you get my piano yet?

How am I supposed to be Alicia Keys if I can't practice?

- You have a keyboard.

- Look at it.

- Do you ever see Stevie Wonder complain about his keyboard?

- He's blind.

- Okay, I'm working on it. I'm gonna make it happen, okay?

Right now, you get some sleep, it's late.

You got school tomorrow, okay?

- Daddy, you bio-sexual?

- Am I what?

- Are you bio-sexual?

- Do I look bisexual?

- A little.

- Who told you I'm bisexual?

- Ms. Clara did.

- Ms. Clara said I'm bisexual? - Mm-hmm.

- I paid all that money to get them to teach you something,

and she told you I'm bisexual.

- Yep.

- I'm not bisexual, I'm gonna kill her.

- Am I?

- You don't even know what bisexual is.

- Then who is?

- I'll tell you who's bisexual,

your Uncle Junior's bisexual.

- You need to get paid in prayer.

- I knew there was something fishy about him.

- There's a little bisexual boy waiting

to just bust out of him.

Just, "Ahh!" okay?

But it's a secret between me and you, okay?

Off the books, pinky promise.

- Pinky promise.

- Okay, give me some brown sugar.

Okay, night Miles.

- That's not Miles, this is Miles.

This is Mist.

Miles, Mist.

- All right, you guys get some sleep. Night, night.

- Goodnight, daddy.

- Goodnight, baby.

- You listen to me, nigga.

I brought you in this world, I will take you out.

Do you hear me, Freddy?

You gotta do better than what you're doing, Freddy.

- Mama, I'm trying--

- I taught you better than that.

- I can't breathe.

You lost in bingo again.

- Boy, shut up. - Why you so angry?

- Shut up and listen to me.

You got a little girl in there that loves you

very much, Freddy.

And yes, she's my granddaughter,

and I don't mind taking care of her.

But Zoey is your responsibility, Freddy, not mine.

- Mama, I'm try--

- You're a smart man, Freddy.

I know that because I raised you that way, do you hear me?

And now it's time for you to make a life for you and Zoey.

Because I'm not gonna be around here forever, Freddy.

- How can you talk like that--

- Stop and listen, I am serious, Freddy.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

- Okay.

- I'm serious.

- Mama, you ain't brushed this morning.

- Boy, I will beat your behind.

- Okay, okay.

- I'm getting old, baby.

Now listen, what you need to do is put God first,

and then get your life together, do you hear me?

- Okay.

- Because I found some bikini drawers in your dresser, boy,

with dookie stains all in them.

Like you've been flossing your behind with them.

You know what, you know men don't wear drawers like that

and I'm not gonna be washing no drawers of yours

that's got doo-doo stains in them.

Because you got it all up in your ass.

If you are into something and I find out about it,

Freddy, you know I will hurt you.

I will hurt you, because we don't do that kind of stuff

in this house.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Because I know I raised you right.

- Okay.

- All right? - All right, mama.

- Now get on in there.

- Freddy!

- For these ladies, their cookie pushing days are through.

What happened here?

- A black man with a roach outfit bought all our cookies.

- Can you tell me what happened here?

- Well you see, it's like this, I think it was

some kind of a bug man superhero.

I've seen him at night on some of these high-rises--

Hey, let go of my money!

- Sir, what is your name?

- Key-Flo.

- Okay, and you just caught a bunch of money

out of the sky?

- Looks like somebody had a good day.

- Man, can you believe it?

- A big ass roach just ran through here.

- And then the money came flying out of the roach?

- Hey.

You think the cops know who we are?

I'm serious, man.

- I don't know, maybe it was a pimp god.

- I don't know, man, this don't look good.

- The roach somehow made it rain money.

You don't think the pimp god's gonna want

all of this money back?

- Aww, he sho.

- The Asians gonna get us.

They gonna moo-goo gai pan us, Junior!

- With your newfound fortune,

are you gonna spend it, are you gonna keep it,

are you gonna save it?

- I'ma fold it like this and I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

- Blessings from the pimp god.

Police remain tight-lipped about today's alleged heist,

but they are telling the public to be on the look out

for this man.

- Who the hell is that?

- It ain't you.

We ain't got nothing to worry about.

Trust me, we have nothing to worry about.

- Our uniforms, they gotta go.

And don't sell me out, man.

- Relax, man. You know you ain't got a head like that.

- You need to get paid in prayer.

I'm talking to you, Mr. Man.

Is the devil your agent?

Is Satan your manager?

Is Beelzebub your lawyer?

I'm talking to you!

- Hello?

Roach Stompers.

The address is right here.

Is this the right place or what?

Hello mother--

- Hey Junior! You can't say that in a church, man.

What's wrong with you?

- Ain't nobody coming out.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

- Man, what's the hell wrong with you?

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you.

You must be the men they sent as replacements.

Oh, praise the Lord.

- We Roach Stompers, exterminators.

We kill bugs.

- Let's see.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh yeah, look at the little and the

- What you laughing at?

- They're getting cute these days.

We got a huge bug problem here.

We got roaches crawling all through the aisle,

they're crawling up on the pulpit,

trying to sing with the choir.

Even jumping into the baptismal like it's a swimming pool

at Holiday Inn.

Scratching, scratching.

How long will it take you to get rid of them?

- We'll be out of here in half an hour, 30 minutes tops.

- Tops.

You get some cough syrup, okay?

- Thank you, son.

- I'ma start working over here.

- You sure you don't want to work at the podium?

Where all the good ones are.

- You handle the podium, I got it over here.

I got this on lock.

- All right.

- Never in my wildest dreams

did I think I would find a church infested with roaches.

- Well you know, they got the holy ghost,

they got the holy roach.

Man, you see this robe, man? Look at this, man.

It's nice, I wonder if those are real sequins.

Try this thing on.

Never had on real sequins before.

- There's roaches all over, we're gonna have to

really get thorough over here, man.

- Go on and get thorough with it.

Show me what you got.

Show me what you got.

Look at this.

- Freddy, take the man robe off, man.

- He ain't gonna catch me with this on.

Look at this, boy, I'm looking good in this.

k Joyful, joyful, Lord is joyful-- k

- Freddy.

You gotta help me with this drum.

Help me with this drum, man.

- It look good on me, man. Look at this.

Sequin man.

- Back.

- Man, again? - Yeah.

- Why your back always doing that?

- Too much karaoke last night.

- Okay, don't move, stay there.

I'ma get your hat first, okay?

- Get the roach, get the roach pack off.

- I got you, stop moving.

All right, don't move. I got you.

All right, this how you was in jail?

Give me that soap, boy!

- Hey look, man, this ain't time for no jokes.

- Thelma now, come on. Put some pep in your step.

Getting old.

- What you talking about, my clothes don't even get old.

- Wait a minute, who is that?

- It looks like a healing to me.

- Those must be the replacement ministers.

- They are!

- Wonderful!

- Oh my heavens, brother. That's something to behold.

A real healing right here in our church!

Praise the Lord! It's a miracle.

- Praise be to God!

- I'm Freddy, this is Junior.

- Oh yes, we know the replacement ministers!

- We're a small congregation, but we're full of the spirit.

- Oh yes!

- That's Thelma, I'm Louise, she's Evelyn,

and that's Delores, be careful of that one.

- Oh she's just jealous, sugar. I'm harmless.

Most of the time.

- This isn't a proper welcoming, pastor.

We'll be back.

- Yes, yes, we'll be back.

- I'm not a pastor--

- I'm a Scorpio with a Gemini rising.

- Oh Evelyn!

- I've got a bad back.

- I've got good hands.

- You see that? They was trippin'.

What's wrong with them?

- I forgot--Eh, what are you doing?

- No, no, I was--

- Get that robe off, now!

- I was just cleaning it.

- That robe got the power!

- I told you, Freddy!

- Take it off!

How dare you come into the house of the Lord and mock him?

- Take it easy, man.

- Easy?

- No, no, no, no.

No, no.

No! No, no, no. No, no, no, no, I'm on probation!

Freddy, do something!

Give him mouth to mouth.

- Okay.

- Do something quick!

Freddy, do something!

- What's going on here?

What did you do the the Pastor?

- Call 911!

Oh man, this is bad.

- You give him the mouth to mouth,

it look like he been eating Miracle Whip sandwiches,

like he got a mouth full of mayonnaise.

You was in jail, you do it.

- Man, he done went to the waffle house in the sky.

We in trouble, Freddy!

Give him mouth to mouth.

- It ain't working!

- You played yourself, Freddy.

Don't you ever ask me for no more sip of my soda.

- On three. 1, 2, 3.

This guy is heavy as shit.

Hey, what'd you guys do to him anyway?

- Nothing, he started coughing and then it was just like--

- Are you even certified to do CPR?

I just hope they didn't crack his sternum.

- Yeah.

- Crack his sternum?

- Yeah, his chest bone.

- Hey we gotta roll anyway, it's not like he's dead, right?

- Big Mac will bring him back.

- I don't believe we've officially met.

Brother Efrom, Associate Pastor here.

- Associate?

- Yeah, you know, when Pastor Hacker retires,

I'm next in line.

I'm the brother that's gonna take over this church.

- So why did they call for replacement ministers?

- Well you know, sometimes the church can be

a complicated place.

You brothers just getting into town?

- Yeah.

- Nah.

- Must've been a long trip from New York.

- New York? We ain't come from New York.

- I'm just messing with you.

Look, we'll figure all this out tomorrow, okay?

- Can I have a word with you?

- Come on.

k Hey baby, I've been thinking

k You should come over for the weekend

k 'Cause I've been fiending for computer love k

- They say if he's gonna be all right?

Is he gonna be all right?

- He's in some kind of a coma or something.

- Coma?

- It's no wonder, all these troubles and all this infighting

and the bills.

- What really happened?

What did you guys do to him?

- Nikki, these young men are ministers of God.

Besides, the paramedic said he's saved his life.

- Ministers of God, huh?

- Can I have a word with you?

You boys new around here?

- Yeah.

Just got to town today.

- Have I seen you guys before?

- You never seen me nowhere.

- They are replacement ministers.

- That's right.

- I heard you two ministers saved Rev. Hacker's life.

- He's still got his DNA in his mouth right now.

Gave him mouth to mouth.

- All right, welcome to the neighborhood.

- Inspire us, pastor! We know you will!

Praise us Jesus! Ooh!

- Okay Thelma, now you did it. Now get on.

Bye, Pastor.

- I'll be talking to you later.

- Call me.

You see her, man? You see that?

- I just got one question.

When your lips first pressed with another man's lips,

how did it feel?

- Man, I don't wanna talk about it.

Where's the van at?

- The van was right here.

- Man, how you lose the van?

- I ain't lose the van.

If the van was right here, somebody must've stole it, man.

It was right here.

- It was probably that ticket lady you got in trouble with,

that's who was it.

- The ticket lady liked me, man.

- That's how--

Eh man, that's our van!

- You guys spit my lemon face! Fat nose and dumb-dumb!

Guess what? You're fired.

- Why?

- No more do you work for Roach Stompers, no more!

- Ali Babba, we worked hard for you for three years, man.

- You no work hard for Ali Babba! You sit on your ass!

You make up story, you lie, you break thing!

You're idiots! Imbecile!

- Man, they be lying about that, man, they lying.

You didn't leave the office, how you know?

- Ali Babba from Backtacklackbaba see everything!

- Fuck you, Ali Babba!

- Fuck me, Ali Babba?

- Fuck you, why don't you go eat you

a nice, big camel shit sandwich.

- With sand.

- Yeah, with mayo.

A camel shit sandwich.

- You say these mean things to me?

You say this?

How could you do this to me?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come, give me hug.

- Go give him a hug.

- You give him a hug.

- Job back, I'm sorry.

- Man, don't be like that, man.

- Come on, it's okay, we family, we family.

Brother, come, come.

- Oh shit!

- I'm telling you right now, we're gonna be here

in five minutes, okay?

I got places to go, people to see, things to do.

I can't be here but five minutes.

- What was that, man?

- I seen every karate movie, Jackie Chan,

Jet Li, Bruce Lee.

You got five minutes, we gotta get up out of here, okay?

Five minutes.

- What you say about my mama?

- Wait here.

- That's what I thought you said.

- Welcome to Karate World.

- Hey.

- I am Han. Mr. Toshiba Ohara's first daughter,

we've been expecting you.

- My name is Junior, I'm my mama's first son,

and I've been expecting you all my life.

You a dancer, baby? Where's the pole at?

- Mr. Junior, do I look like I am nothing?

There's no time for joke, my father is waiting.

Take your clothes off!

- Ain't nobody taking no clothes off, okay?

You trippin', man. Ain't nobody taking nothing off.

- Nothing off.

- Take your clothes off.

- Look mama, me too boo-koo.

You don't wanna mess with this.

- What the hell was that?

Okay, okay.

- What was that?

- It's a ninja in here, man.

- Come with me.

- Hurry up.

- Eh man, what's up with them drawers you got on, man?

You a bisexual?

- No, I ain't bisexual! Man, these bikini briefs, man.

- Why y'all doing this to us!

Why we in our drawers?

- You butt cute. You two black birds are a flying mess.

You disappointed us.

- What?

- Do you know why you're here?

- No. - No.

- Are you idiot?

- See I told you, look, look. It's one of them places.

- Turn around.

- What the hell is that?

He just ate a fly!

- This must be the ugliest motherfucker

I've ever seen in my life.

- You go down.

- Eh man, why are we in our drawers? What's this all about?

- Hey man, this is a real nice place, man.

You hooked this place up, man.

Lights right there, that's hot right there.

Little Rick James--

- Ha!

The overturned nest produces many cracked eggs,

but the squirrel must eat the dandelion.

- What's that a recipe or something?

- Do you know who we are?

- A group of hairstylists?

- Do you know who we are?

- Katt Williams daddy?

- Do you know who we are?

- A gay wizard?

- It is better to be a chicken's head than an ox's rump.

- What?

- The bumblebee swims at night.

- Hey, hey!

- You boys owe me a lot of money.

- What money?

- We don't got no money.

- This one, when even faced with danger,

he continues to lie.

- In the Japanese culture,

you steal from one store, you steal from all my stores.

We have you on the camera.

- Camera my idea, new generation.

- You owe me 10,000 big one.

- 10,000 big ones?

Oh come on, man, it wasn't no 10,000--

- Show them what we do with liars.

- Hai!

- Mr. Ohara, we ain't take your money.

I ain't take your money.

You know y'all got small eyes.

Somebody that look just like me--

We all look alike! We all look alike!

- You have seven days to return my money.

Seven days.

- This ain't Roots.

- Then, we do the final blow.

- Seven days, if not, two black birds fall from sky,

hit the rock and end their journey.

- Don't forget, we know where you are.

- You better back up before you get smacked up.

- Man what the hell you done got me into now?

I'm on probation, Freddy.

- That ain't my fault, they came and got both of us, man.

You and me.

If we'd both got the money and kept the money,

both of us would've spent the money.

- 10,000 dollars! - Come on, man.

- You ain't got $10,000. I ain't got $10,000.

We in trouble and it's your fault.

- Man, come on, man.

- You know what you deserve right now?

A $10,000 ass whipping.

Those people gonna kill us, man.

- Man, they ain't gonna kill us, man.

- Come on, man, get out my face, man.

- You really mad at me, man?

- I am really mad at you.

If I wasn't on probation, hey trust me,

they'd be pulling me off you right now.

So get the stepping.

- You feeling froggish, Junior?

Then leap, Junior! Step up, Junior!

Get some of this, Junior.

I'll be waiting for you to give me the invitation

to smack this blackness.

When we was in the dojo, and Jet Li was smacking your ass

with them sticks, your ass didn't say a damn thing, Junior.

You ain't say nothing, Junior.

The bitch just dripped out your bloodstream,

you didn't say nothing to them--

Eh man, time out, time out.

- You got what they call a short memory, you can't beat me.

Remember?

- All right, okay.

- Get your ass up.

- That's it.

- Like magic!

- I got it.

We going back to church.

Remember the church they thought we was preachers?

Come on. - You sound crazy man.

We're not preachers.

- Tomorrow's gonna be 200 people in the church

waiting to hear us preach.

Waiting to give us their money.

Man, church is the world's greatest hustle.

If that fool can get my mama to send him $50 every month,

we can con a church once.

Come on, them churches make thousands of dollars

every Sunday.

You got a suit?

- Yeah, I got a suit, why?

- That's all you need.

- Your plan better work.

It better work.

- It'll work, man.

- It'd better work.

Bust your ass down to the white meat.

- To the white meat? Come on, man.

Me and you, Junior.

- Oh, hi Pastor.

- Good morning, Sister.

- Good morning.

What is that, your prom suit?

- What you talking about, this a throwback.

It's tight, because it's couture.

Diddy got the same jacket.

- Look, I want to apologize for yesterday,

we weren't properly introduced, I'm Nikki Stevens.

And you are?

- I'm a pastor. Pastor Don Cornelius,

but people call me Freddy.

- Don Cornelius, like the Soul Train dude?

- Or Freddy.

- I came a little bit early to show you around.

In the mornings, I usually unlock.

And the office is back there.

And today's reading is on Ezekiel 37.

You know, the one about God's promise to restore his people.

Like dry bones coming to life.

You might want to throw that in your sermon.

- Ezekiel? - Yes.

- The guy that works down at the car wash?

Charges you detaling?

Down on--you don't mean that Ezekiel, do you?

You talking about somebody different?

- Yeah, the one in the Bible.

- Ezekiel? Oh!

You mean Zekiel?

It's pronounced Zekiel, because the E, you see,

has the accent over it, E-zekiel, it's pronounced.

- Are you really a minister?

- Ordained.

I went to school down in Mississippi.

Great Baptist University of Moses.

- I've never heard of that one.

- It's real small though.

- I see.

Brother Efrom, have you met Pastor Cornelius?

- Good morning, Brother.

- Good morning.

- Cornelius, yeah you look like you would know

the latest dance steps.

We met yesterday with Pastor Hacker.

- And the deacon, where is he?

- The deacon? Oh! Deacon Jones.

Yeah, he's running a little bit late this morning,

he was up all night long praying.

You know, God is like a crack house, always open.

- Crack house?

k Yeah, I'm a G

k Them revenues and that bologna, hey

k What you feel, what you want

k Do you want my body

k When you know when you really want somebody

k Hey, you

k I'm super hot

k Let me spin one time

k I'm super hot, girl k

- Something wrong?

Nigga, you said wear a suit, right? This is a suit.

- Excuse me, just give me a second.

I gotta go meet with my disciples.

- I'm not gonna be getting embarrassed by you, okay?

What you pushing me back here for?

- What was that?

- I don't know.

- You look very pretty today, Nikki.

No, I take that back. You are looking beautiful today.

- Thanks, Efrom.

- You won't be acting like that when I takeover this church.

- What you say?

- Remember, to be blessed, one must first be a blessing.

- Man, what is wrong with you?

What is you supposed to be?

- What do you mean, "be"?

This is fly, okay? Me, I'm looking like a black Don Johnson.

You got a problem with that?

- That's exactly right, Junior.

And Miami Vice been off the air for 25 years.

- I ain't come here for that.

Go out there and preach.

Get that money.

We gonna go back, pay these people, and go home.

Okay?

- That's it, that's the plan.

What's it look like? We good?

- Oh yeah, we gonna be rolling in it, rolling.

- Get ready, today. Get ready for the new pastor.

- God's pastor.

- Let him stay there for a while.

- One, two, three!

- Something's wrong.

- They dead, that's what it is.

- What's that he has on?

- I don't know, but I need to take him shopping.

- You sure do.

- Amen.

- Amen!

- Ma? - Mm-hmm.

- Is Pastor Hacker dead?

- No, fool, these are replacement ministers.

- I'm just asking. Why you always getting mad?

- If you don't shut up, if I didn't need this welfare money,

I swear I'll kill you.

- I said, can I get an Amen?

- Amen!

- That's better. Come on, let me hear you.

I mean come on, this is a church.

- Them pants is way too tight, mama.

- Church full up with love, love just floating all around.

- I can see an imprint of his balls, mama.

- Baby, I think that was for me to say.

I don't think you're supposed to be looking at balls.

- Like turn to your neighbor, give 'em a hug.

Now turn and do the same thing to your other neighbor.

Now I want everybody in the church to say,

"Deacon Jones's suit is the defecation."

- Huh? - What?

- Looks like a Temptations suit.

- The defecation.

- What?

- What is he, a pimp?

- Well, without further ado, I'm gonna bring on

Brother Efrom.

- Praise the Lord, church.

- Praise the Lord!

- This week is a special week in the church,

giving that next week is Easter Sunday.

And you can purchase lilies for the alter

through our beautiful decorating committee.

And a prayer group for Pastor Hacker will be meeting

after the service.

Now I was all set to give the word today.

I said, I was all set to give the word today!

- Come on, Efrom, sit on down

and bring the new ministers out.

- Who wants to hear the word today?

Somebody. Anybody! Everybody!

Want to hear the word today.

- Man this ain't Stomp the Yard,

stomp on off the stage.

- Okay, if that's how you feel.

It is my pleasure to introduce Pastor Don Cornelius,

come on up, brother.

- God damn, he need a sandwich.

- Morning, congregation.

You look lovely.

- Yes.

- Yes, this is our house. - Especially you.

- They call me Reverend Pastor Doctor Good God!

- Good God.

- Good God!

- They both got a lot of teeth.

- 'Cause I'm filled with the holy spirit.

Can you hear it?

- Amen.

- Amen!

- We're gonna talk about Jesus who's sippin',

Kobe snitchin'.

- Go on, Preacher.

- I'm gonna talk about Bobby and Whitney.

- Bobby and Whitney.

- And bald-headed Britney.

- Bald-headed.

- I'ma talk about Barack Obama, and your baby's mama.

- Should've used a condom.

- Say it, deacon. Say it!

- What is this, Reverend Run DMC?

- I don't know what you've heard, but this is how we

preach the word.

- I like his style.

- You all out there misbehaving,

but in this church, you'll find your saving.

- Lord, yes it is!

- Preach, Preacher.

- It's good, because God spoke to me.

He spoke to me.

- What did God say?

- What he say? He said, "Today is your day!"

- Your day.

- And your day, your day, and your day.

- Amen.

- That's how Reverend Paid do.

- So let me ask you a question,

what do you do for the church?

Yeah, you right here.

- Me? Oh, well I want to cook for the church.

But Pastor Hacker, he said the congregation is too small.

And I can cook anything.

- She can cook.

- Mm-hmm, fried chicken, candied yams,

- Yams the shit. - greens.

I can cook anything you like, especially for him.

I'm Miss Tanya. I like that suit.

- Deacon Jones! Give that dog a bone.

- And what about you, brother, in the Fonzerelli jacket?

- My name's Derrick. I got some musical abilities.

Let's face it, man, this band sucks.

No offense guys, but I mean you know,

with a little effort we could really

drop it like it's hot in here.

- Can you rev it for the Reverend?

- I can rev it.

- Can you, lean with it?

Can you bop-bop-bop with it?

- I can rev it for the Rev!

- And what about you, Junior Jamie?

On any given Sunday can you bring it?

Good goobly-goo, you gonna make it do what it do?

Huh? Evil Jamie?

It may be time to take an offering.

All right, are you gonna reach for me?

- Be fruitful and multiply.

- Sorry, I don't have any money, maybe next Sunday.

- Reach deep, but don't be cheap!

- Don't be cheap.

- Oh I got something big for the church.

- Reach deep! - Down to your ankles

- Don't be cheap, now.

- I got something for the church.

- Go on and put the money.

Put the money in the basket.

There you go.

- So thank you, that's the conclusion of our service,

and I've given you the holy spirit,

and I was glad you was here to hear it.

And I'd like to take a moment for Pastor Hacker,

a moment of silence.

That's enough.

Everybody gather around.

They feeling us, Junior, they're feeling us.

What did I tell you? What I tell you?

- There's only about four or five dollars

in the collection plate.

- That was wonderful, pastor.

- You're like a tall glass of water, and I'm thirsty.

- You did a wonderful job up there today,

and you wait till next week.

Easter, a lot of people gonna be here to hear you preach.

- We gonna raise $10,000 in seven days.

Now I know I've only been here for a week,

and y'all thinking, "He's crazy."

Well I am crazy.

Crazy for the Lord.

We're gonna fix the ceiling.

- Yes!

- Paint the pews.

Lighten Deacon Jones.

I'm just playing now, you know.

So we're gonna return here tomorrow night,

each and every one of you with five to ten people

for a special night of healing.

- Wait a minute? You gonna heal someone?

- That's right, little brother, we're gonna heal someone

tomorrow night.

- You're something.

I've been around a long time,

ain't never heard no preacher like that.

I want to join the church. I want to belong.

Name's Benny.

- Welcome, brother Benny.

Let the church say Amen.

- Amen.

- What's all this talking about healing somebody, man?

We can't heal nobody.

- Just come to the back, come on, you trippin',

just come on to the back.

You got some water to cool me off, because I'm on fire.

- Look, this done went too far.

I mean, we ought to be thinking about

trying to get out of here.

You talking about coming back tomorrow?

- Man, will you just chill out?

Where's the money we collected today?

- Gave it all to that Nikki woman, about 150.

- That's it?

- That's what I'm trying to tell you, stupid.

- Today was only the first day.

And next Sunday, well next Sunday is Easter,

we're gonna be rolling in the dough, baby.

- Apparently, there have been several of our VIP memberships

bootleg in nature, that were purchased online.

These are platinum memberships,

so y'all six in the front row is gonna have

to vacate immediately, okay?

Please don't cause a fuss.

- It's healing time. Okay.

Let me guess where the devil is.

- All I can think about ever since you put out

the building fund challenge is all the stuff

that the church needs, you know, like new song books,

half the robes are moth-eaten.

In the kitchen, the refrigerator, and the stove don't work.

- Damn!

I'm sorry, Sister.

Y'all don't need Jesus, y'all need a genie.

- You're just so different.

- Different, like how? Like kind of--

- Well I mean you're funny, you know.

You're loose, and most pastors are uptight, stuffy.

- Like Brother Efrom?

- Enough about him, that guy right there--

Oh!

- Oh it's just a little a little itsy fly. Bug.

I used to deal with bugs back in the day, long story.

- So--

- Everything okay over here?

- Fantastic and sensational, thank you very much.

- Hallelujah.

- I'd like to see you on Sunday, sister.

- Okay so why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself,

what did you do before this, where is your family?

Like, who are you?

- I used to be in sales, then my family moved to Jerusalem.

- Family? So there's a Mrs. Cornelius?

- No, there's a daughter.

- A daughter?

- She's with my mama right now.

- And her mother? And please don't tell me she's dead.

- She is dead.

Cancer.

- Oh.

- But it was a long time ago, we're over it now.

It's just me and my little girl now.

- So, what's your daughter like?

- My daughter, like any other crazy kid,

always hitting me up for stuff.

Right now, she wants a piano, she wants to be Alicia Keys.

I told her, "You can't be Janet,

"because Janet just be popping out.

"I don't want you popping out 'til you're 35."

Jesus don't like 'em out.

So Alicia Keys is what we ended up with.

- No, it's a shame she's not with you,

because we have a piano and I'm sure she'd love it.

- I'm just not sure you guys would love her playing.

So, let's get back to the list.

If you can have one thing on the list, what would it be?

- One thing?

- One thing, but anything.

- That's hard.

- It sha'll is.

- Okay, I got it.

- Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend!

- Maybe you should back up. - He's talking to me.

- Delia, girls out here trying to beat up Keisha.

One of them's got a gun.

- What?

- I'll beat your ass again!

- What the hell's going on here?

- We about to whoop her ass, that's what's going on.

- Whatever!

- You know what? Don't I know your mama?

- No you don't.

- I do so.

Mary Jane Price. I've been knowing her for years.

So maybe won't I just give her a call,

and let her know what the hell's going on here.

And who out here has a gun?

- She ain't gonna call nobody.

- Excuse me? You don't even live around here.

You need to shut your mouth when grown folks are talking!

And don't bring it back around here

at Delia's Place no more.

And you, stop fighting in front of my place,

you understand that?

- Can I talk to you-- - Get your hands off me!

- What you out here fighting for anyway?

- She thinks I want her boyfriend

when he be the one calling me all the time.

- Listen, don't nobody want you.

- Honey, we're just trying to help you.

One of those girls had a gun, you're gonna get yourself

killed out here.

- What's it to you?

- Little girl, you got a big ass mouth.

- Who are y'all anyway?

Some kind of police or teen workers or something?

She Ren, you Stimpy?

- What you say?

- You heard me. - No,

we're just regular people from New Birth Baptist Church.

- Church people, it figures.

Like you know my shit, right?

- Sweetheart, I've been where you're at and back

with my sister, so save your lecture.

You need to come to church and take a break

from hanging with these kids.

- Maybe I'll think about it.

- Well you better think about it fast

before these girls whoop your ass.

Don't you know light skin ain't in?

- Pastor! - I'm sorry.

Lord Jesus, forgive me, I wasn't thinking.

I was just sinking.

- What kind of church people are y'all?

- What's your name anyway, little bitty?

- None of your business.

- New Birth Baptist Church right down the street.

- I'll see you Sunday, and no more fighting, Tiny Tyson,

I'll whoop you.

- Pastor, I'm a little concerned about your behavior.

"Tiny Tyson," and "I'm gonna whoop your A-S-S."

- Jesus will forgive me, ain't no doubt about it,

God will allow it.

- Okay.

- Are you thievin'? Backsliding? Dirt doing?

Are you living in a vortex of evil-ration?

- Daddy!

- Hey baby doll, I missed you.

- You're in trouble.

- Why?

- Grandma's real mad at you.

- What I do now?

- Grandma! Daddy's home!

- Freddy! Boy--

- Hi mama, how you doing, mama?

- Have you lost your mind?

Some Asian people came here looking for you

this afternoon.

- What? - You heard what I said

I said some Asian people came here looking for you.

Now don't you play no games with me, Freddy.

You got some explaining to do.

- Mama, it--

- Freddy, honey, tell me what have you

gotten yourself into now, huh?

- Oh that's Han and them, you remember Han?

We went to high school together, little Han, like this big.

Han? Got this video store now, right?

And I had rented some karate videos,

they must want 'em back, that's all it is, little problem--

- Nah-uh, but it didn't look like a little problem

to me, Freddy.

And it happened, of all days, today, Sunday.

The Lord's day, Freddy.

- Mama, I got it under control.

- No you don't, you know what, listen here, Freddy.

Solve your problems, or you get out. Okay?

And don't think I don't know about you losing your job

down there at Bug Stompers.

- It's Roach Stompers.

- Wait a minute.

And another thing, are you bisexual?

- No, I'm not bisexual, why you say I'm bisexual?

- Because Ms. Clara down there at Zoey's school

told me that you bisexual.

She said you came down there

in these itty-bitty little short, short, shorts

all up in your behind.

She said don't nobody wear that kind of stuff

but bisexual men.

Now you know, Freddy, we don't deal with that kind of stuff

around here, you hear me?

- I'm metrosexual. - What?

- Metrosexual, they just mad because I can wear mediums.

Kanye West metrosexual, Puffy metrosexual,

Russell Simmons metrosexual.

- You know what, I got your metrosexual, here.

Don't play with me, boy. Don't play with me.

- What do you think Pastor's surprise is, Thelma?

- Hard to say, sister. I really have no idea.

- It ain't nothing, this is a trick to get us here

on a Monday night.

- You're probably right.

- You know what, baby, you need to have a little faith.

- Yeah right, ma, like churches ever did anything for me.

He's messing with my Halo minutes now.

- You need to hush up before I knock your teeth

in the back of your mouth.

- What's up, y'all? What's up?

- I sure better get my money after this stunt.

- We're back, Deacon Jones and I, as I promised

we would be here to do a healing.

- Yes!

- I don't believe you believe me.

I said tonight, somebody's gonna get healed.

The church has the spirit and I can feel it.

So I'll promise you this, by Easter Sunday,

you'll witness three miracles.

God is good, God is the answer.

So, with that, I need a volunteer from the audience.

You in the back.

- Me?

- Yes, you brother. What's your name?

- Frank.

- I'm sorry, speak up, I couldn't hear your name, brother.

- Frank.

- Come up here, brother, come up here.

- Did you pass gas?

- I told you I got gas.

- Jesus.

- What's the story, brother?

I see. That's incredible.

It's incredible, ladies and gentlemen.

This man's name is Frank.

Now Frank had his vocal cords severed by an alligator

on a vacation to Florida in 2004.

- Oh my Lord!

- What's worse, he walks like this, all bent over,

because the gator got a piece of his tailbone.

- Oh, Jesus!

- And his leg is messed up.

But God is good, and he's feeling like doing healing.

- Heal him, Lord.

- Over three nights, tonight, Wednesday, and Friday,

we're gonna heal this man.

But tonight, he's going to sing.

Do you believe, Frank?

I said, Frank, do you believe?

- I believe.

- Praise him.

- Deacon Jones, if you can assist me.

Deacon Jackson, if I have you come up here, brother.

Now hold on to him, now.

Grab him in a bear hug and don't let go,

because letting go is like letting go of God.

Let me just anoint him.

Just anoint him, anoint him!

- Holy shower.

- Give him a holy shower.

- Healing water, yes!

- Anoint him!

Calling God's holy serpent.

- Here it goes.

- Strike! Strike!

- Strike him, serpent. Strike him.

- Take out the demon, show us your baby teeth.

Baby teeth, baby teeth.

- Get that demon out of there.

- Leave it, leave it, Brother.

He's healing you, Brother. He's healing you.

- How you feeling, Frank?

I said, how you feeling, Frank?

- I feel like singing.

- Sing!

k I sing

k Because,

k I'm happy

- Oh my god!

k And I sing,

k Because

k I'm free k

- Be sure to join, Deacon Jones and myself

back here Wednesday night, bring your friends

and your family for another great feeling the spirit

through healing.

That's Wednesday night, I'll see you there.

- Hi, this is Brother Efrom from Bethel.

Yeah, this is the council office, right?

I'd like to check on two replacement ministers you sent us.

Cornelius, yes like Soul Train.

And Jones.

- Come on, man, that healing stuff ain't gonna work again.

- Man, we raised $1,300 last night.

- Yeah, last night.

- You don't know, people love healing.

- Hey, hey, hey pastor. Hey deacon.

- Hello sister, God breast you, I mean, bless you.

- Praise the Lord.

Look at you looking like a little dark-skin Gingerbread Man.

Kept you in the oven a little too long.

Pastor, I've been thinking and thinking,

and I came up with an idea straight from heaven above.

- Well if it's from heaven, sister, then it must be good.

- Oh yes.

- Praise him.

- Praise him, back in the day my grandmother used

to cook for everybody.

And so I love to cook, and do you love to eat?

- Oh I love to eat.

- You love to eat, okay.

- Oh yeah.

- You like breast meat?

- Oh I love breast meat.

- Ooh. Smothered breast?

- Smothered breast? Oh yes.

- Ooh.

- Put a little gravy on it.

- Gravy on it? - Yeah.

- Oh my goodness, what about thigh meat?

- Thigh meat? I love thigh meat.

- You like thigh meat?

- I lick 'em first and then I eat 'em.

- Oh, praise the Lord.

What we can do is have a Friday or Saturday night

cooking thing.

And that would encourage people to come back on Sunday.

- So what do you need from me?

- I just need your blessing.

- Oh you got that, sister.

- Oh! Well, thank you. Woo! I feel it.

Woo! That got my nipples hard.

You know, one more thing, the after school program.

- After school program?

- Yes, yes, I've been taking care of it,

me and the other girls, we just need a man to help us.

My son, Dee, needs a father--I mean, a father figure.

So it'll be here today at three.

- Today at three?

- Today at three.

You can handle that, can't you?

- Yeah, I can handle it.

Very funny.

Today's topic is lying.

Any liars out there?

- Everybody lies sometimes.

- Do you lie?

- Do I lie? Oh, no Deacon Jones.

And I love being here too, brother.

- I can see you're very influenced by that singer,

Chris Brown?

But you can't sing, you can't dance, you can't dress,

and you don't wear deodorant.

The Lord don't like lies.

There's only two lies that you can tell and be forgiven for.

The first one, is if let's say you're being chased

by an Asian gang.

- What?

- Just remember now, the Asians created dynamite and karate.

Which means that if they chasing you,

they gonna mess you up.

Another situation is if you're what they call,

a kleptomaniac.

The Lord forgives them because they can't help themselves.

- Do you know any kleptomaniacs?

- Of course not. I'm a deacon!

- What kind of deacon are you?

- I'm a deacon with an attitude, okay.

- God wants you to be prosperous.

And in your prosperity, kick us down some.

For each $1,000 tax-deductible donation to our institution,

you get back $5,000 in prayer.

God bless you.

- I want to be smooth as a baby's butt, you got me old man?

- I got you, big fella. You new in the area, huh?

Boy, you got some good hair.

You might have a little Indian in you, let me fluff it up

a little bit there, boy.

What tribe you from, the bald-headed tribe?

- He's in there.

- You see my Chee-chee?

- I say we can take him.

- I'll sit on him, that's what.

- What's going on over here?

- Oh, Deacon.

- Thank you for coming, Pastor.

My Chee-chee's been missing for days.

- Chee-chee? What's that?

- My dog.

- You know, I was just in the adult video store--

Chee-chee's a dog, yeah, yeah.

- That man is always stealing dogs

in this neighborhood.

- Sister, we're here now.

- See what our problem is over here.

I see ugliness.

And as we know, the Lord does not like ugly.

Take a look at the ugliness yourself, brother.

You see that beast of iniquity.

- Yes, praise God.

- Deacon, you've heard of David and Goliath?

- Oh yes, brother.

- Well, I'm not fixin' to try that.

Mrs. Evelyn, why won't we get you another dog?

- No, no, Sister Evelyn, no.

Why would you tell her something like that, man?

- Old man, I'm not playing with you.

Hey man, what you doing!

- I'm sorry there big fella.

A little butter take care of that.

You think the Lone Ranger and Tonto are gay?

Anyone in that tight suit and mask on, "Kemo Sabe."

You know something was going on in that big tee.

- Shave my head, fool.

- You mind if we have a word with you, sir?

- P.D.

- Police?

- Pet detectives.

I'm Officer Fetchums, this is Officer Canine.

- Woof!

- Yeah, we got word you're in possession of a stolen dog.

- Who says?

- Officer Canine, you want to respond to that?

- Hey, society's got a place for you.

You going down.

- Watch what you say, big fella.

Remember what happened to Michael Vick.

No more touchdowns.

- I ain't stole no dog.

- Oh you stole it.

- This is my dog.

- Man, look at that dog's little glittery collar,

that ain't your dog.

What's his name?

- Booty.

- We didn't ask for your hero's name.

What's the dog name?

- Man, you slapped me?

- Got bugs in here, I'm sorry big dog.

- Booty? Booty?

- That's a dumb dog.

- You think I'm playing with you?

- Ouch!

- Sorry, big fella.

- Man you cut me again, I will choke you out.

- Call it in.

- Right now.

- Calling po-po?

- Call it in.

- Hello? Yeah, we found the perp with the pooch.

We found the dog, too.

It's like a dusty tarantula.

Eh Junior, keep your eyes on his eye, look like he's

reaching for something.

- You talking about my eye?

- We talking about your eye, what.

- Nobody talks about my eye.

- Yeah, we talking about your eye.

You think because you got a big ass head and a wide neck,

we supposed to be intimidated.

Let me tell you something, player. The dog is stolen.

You stole it, see, we know that's Mrs. Evelyn's dog.

You stole it, she sent us over here to get it back.

So give me that goddamn dog!

- Uh-oh.

- You hit me in the head.

- I'll be outside, man.

- We done done it now.

There's no going back--

- You slapped me?

If you wanna slap me, slap me!

Slap me! Slap me!

Now who's soft!

Now everybody pay for my haircut! Give it up!

Give me your money!

- Do you love, love, love the Lord?

Because he love, love, love, you!

And he can change your life, like magic!

She-bow!

- Okay now, I brought y'all here to get y'all in shape.

Y'all soldiers in God's army, okay. You gotta shake it.

Let's go, here we go.

Hear that? It's a joyful noise!

Bring it around, bring it around.

- Booty shake?

- Action Jackson! Deacon Jackson, give it to 'em!

Lord Jesus in the house, he's here.

- Deacon Jones done did his homework, okay.

Now we gonna see how good y'all know your stuff.

- Deacon Jones, I got a question to ask,

but I don't want to get in trouble.

Is Pastor bisexual?

Because everybody keep saying that.

- How dare you say something like that.

- You're not holding a tune. We're trying to,

- O-ha-ra! O-ha-ra! Everybody, O-ha-ra! O-ha-ra!

- I'm what they call a modern-day hero,

you know what I mean?

- Oh, you're touching me. Ooh! That's--

Ooh, Jesus.

- Okay, that's better, Sam. Just feel that beat!

Feel that beat.

- I'll know a beat when I hear it.

- Well, when is you gonna hear it?

- Can I help you?

- Just looking for the Pastor.

- He's not here right now. He'll be back soon though.

You can sit and wait.

- You don't know what you're doing,

and you ain't even black.

- Something funny?

- Y'all sound horrible.

- Let's try this one more time, okay guys.

One, two, one, two, three, go and.

- Where's Frank at?

- I don't know.

- Man, he should've been here by now.

It's at least 200 people out there waiting for the healing.

People expecting a show, we gotta give it to them.

- I said he's gonna be here, he's gonna be here.

- Should've been here before now.

If Frank's not here, it's over with.

Might as well leave right now.

- Pastor, Frank can't make it tonight.

He got into one of them rehab centers--

- Rehab? He ain't even--

- Well anyway, seeing this change of circumstances,

I volunteer myself to be healed.

- Benny, you don't need to be healed.

- Yeah I do, look at my leg, I walk funny.

- Did you hear that?

Hey everybody! We're gonna heal Benny.

- No, no, no, no!

- Preacher, it gives me so much pain.

- Man, you don't need no healing man.

- Yes, I do.

- Man, that's from wearing clogs back in the 60's.

- You can do it, Reverend, you got the power!

- If you can heal Stanky Franky, why can't you heal me?

- Come on. Come on!

Benny, we all know God loves you.

I love you, they love you Benny.

Do you love, Benny?

You're one of God's greatest workers.

I want to call God, I'm calling you God.

Don't check the caller ID, it's just me trying

to heal Benny.

You ready?

Heal!

- I feel better.

- What you done did, man?

- I ain't do nothing. You see that?

- Very entertaining show, Pastor.

- You like that, huh?

- Too bad both of you are fakes.

- What?

- I know what you're doing.

You're bamboozling the people, you're leading them astray,

you're tying them to balloons and letting them go.

I'm watching you, I'm watching both of you.

k Do you trust me

k When I'm out here on the streets

k Out here hustling

k Baby yet do you run from me k

- Hello, I'm Reverend Paid, please join us in our annual

couples-only counseling cruise.

This year, we've got a bigger boat, and a better cook.

No more food poisoning.

And I'm ready to get my hands dirty.

God wants you and your beloved to be blessed.

Remember, it's Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.

- Bethel.

Yes, this is Brother Efrom.

Wait, wait, wait, say that again?

Thank you.

Roach Stompers, okay.

You want to play? We'll play.

- Hello?

- You look good.

- Pastor?

- Hey, Miss Tanya, what's up girl how you doing?

- Good, good to see you.

- Always a pleasure.

- You're doing such a good job.

- I'm doing great.

- I've got it right here for you.

- Just a lot of work around this area for roaches.

Yeah.

- I appreciate it.

I gotta go now, I'ma talk to you soon.

- Freddy?

Freddy?

Yo, what's up man?

This the dude I've been telling you about, right here.

- Oh man I heard so much about you,

you're like a Roach Stomping guru.

- So what's up, man, how you holding up?

Man, since you lost your job and everything?

- Bring that down.

- Oh, let me talk to you real quick.

Did you and Junior steal some money?

- We ain't steal nothing, nigga.

- It's cool, you know, but you look good, man,

the suit, dressed down.

That's crazy, because, you know, I'm so used to you

wearing that bug outfit.

This dude was so dedicated, he used to sleep

in that uniform.

Hey, tell him about the time with them girls.

We ran that Amtrak on them hos!

Okay, next stop, Monkeyville. Up high.

Oh wait, hold on. Roach Stompers.

Okay, we around the corner, man.

- Roach Stompers?

- Yo, we gotta get out of here, man,

we gotta kill some more roaches, you know about that.

You changed. You really changed.

You know what, let's go. Like this dude is so Hollywood.

You know what I'm saying, he got the suit on

with no job, you just got fired.

- Mm-hmm. - Let me--

- No, no, no, no. Pastor, right?

Now, I don't know what all that was about.

Little Amtrak train?

I don't know if those were your little boyfriends or not.

I know how things go, all right?

Sometimes, life puts us in a situation

that we can't get out of.

But I like you, Pastor. Don't disappoint me.

I got my eye on you.

Buenas Noches.

- Okay, time to go, time to go.

- Freddy?

- Yeah?

- You need to calm down.

- I'm calm, what do you mean calm down?

- You ain't calm, man.

- I'm calm, cool, and collected, man. I'm calm.

- They gonna see-- - Ready Reverend?

- How you doing, boy?

I see you got the little Steve Harvey hairline going.

- Yeah, Big Ben is back, baby.

But Reverend, there's a big crowd out there.

You know, Easter and all.

- Good crowd?

- Yeah, see you later.

- Go on ahead with your bad self, all right.

Take care, Benny.

- Reverend, a lot of people depending on you guys,

doing a great thing here.

And thank you for giving me this chance.

- No Benny, thank you.

- That's the last time, okay? The last time.

- Man, what you talking about?

- That man believes in you.

- Man, that man ain't believe in me.

- This the last time, all right? Get serious.

- I'm serious. - All right.

- Let's go.

- Stop showing off.

- You too damn serious, that's who's too serious.

That's a nice crowd right there, boy.

- He sneaky.

- Come on, come on, get inside.

I got something to tell you.

Promise not to get mad.

- What you done did now?

- Okay look, Miss Tanya know about us.

She know about you and she know about me.

She know we not, she knows you're not a deacon,

and I'm not a preacher.

She know we used to work at Roach Stompers,

she know everything.

It's not my fault. Junior, it's not my fault--

- Shut up!

Okay, that's first of all. Just shut up.

Okay, second of all, I want you to know something,

I like Miss Tanya, okay? She like me.

Things was going well smooth, but that's besides the point.

We got a much bigger problem.

Our much bigger problem is there's a gang after us,

they beat us with bamboo sticks, remember?

Now, there's $8,000 out there, and you got to get it.

Okay, because you said you had the plan.

And what did I tell you I was going to do

if the plan didn't work?

- No, no--

- I'ma bust your ass.

It ain't gonna be $10,000 ass whooping,

because that was seven days ago.

Now, we got compounded interest.

That's $10,000 with seven days interest.

That adds up to, a big ass whooping!

I don't even know if you got enough ass to pay that bill.

Okay, let's get out of here and get this money, right?

- I'ma come right behind you, okay?

Right after you, okay?

k Out of glory, Lord up high

- Bring your ass out here!

- I was right behind you, the door got stuck.

- You think the Oharas are bad.

Man, your mama's out there, man.

- I know, I just saw her. I saw that.

- Now hurry, we need that $2,000 and we out of here.

- Hey daddy.

- Brothers and Sisters, what an amazing week.

Amazing. - Amazing.

- But I stand before you humbled.

- Humbled.

- See, I messed up this week.

- Messed up.

- Screwed up bad.

- Screwed up bad.

- Never meant to hurt nobody.

- Never meant it.

- But I gotta come clean.

You see, I ain't a Preacher.

- Oh my Lord!

- I told you babe, they're phonies.

- She ain't your babe.

- Just wait till you get home.

- This whole thing was a hustle.

Because I owed the karate kids the money.

What I really want to say is y'all good people

and I never set out to hurt anyone.

I did lie, but it all sort of just happened.

See, this money dropped and then there was this chase

and then we were mistaken for replacement ministers

here at the church.

- How could you do that to me?

- Then I fell in love with this beautiful woman.

A woman I could never in this life hope to deserve.

We bug exterminators.

Roach Stompers.

- Look at his feet, we should've known

he was stomping something.

- Shyster!

- Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Get off the stage! That's holy ground you're standing on!

- Y'all missing the big picture here, okay.

Think about it, even though Freddy wasn't no real minister,

he was a pretty good one.

- He was all right.

- What about the clothes closet, huh? Reopened.

Mrs. Evelyn, she got her dog back.

- I got my dog back!

- I know that because I got knocked out getting him.

- That man did knock him out.

- Miss Tanya, you got a whole new ministry.

And Benny, Benny was healed.

Oh yeah, a lot of good things have taken place

in this church this week.

And lo and behold, Pastor Freddy's greatest work,

is what y'all looking at right now,

is a diagnosed kleptomaniac.

But after getting knocked out cold, after getting beat

with bamboo sticks all about the head, face and neck,

I decided I would never steal again.

That's all because of Pastor.

Can I get an Amen?

And in closing, I'd just like to say, y'all should

thank Pastor for that.

If it wasn't for Pastor Freddy,

Junior been done robbed all of y'all

about four, five times already.

- Excuse me, young man.

- I think I have a right to say something here.

This here is my church.

And young Freddy has said that he admits

to hustling us.

Well I won't have it!

I think you two have it all wrong, the both of you.

I hear what you're saying, Junior, about good deeds,

and I agree with you.

But what I can't agree with is the contention

that Freddy hustled us.

You think you hustled these people?

Well I think God hustled you.

Hustled you into holding my church down

until I could return.

Look at all the good, you think you did that on your own.

That was God's work.

And when God speaks to you like that directly, son,

you must listen.

- This is my church!

I'm next in line, you was supposed to hack your way

all the way to the hospital for the last time.

You was supposed to be dead.

And you, you fake Don Cornelius, Soul Train dancing,

pop-locking and you ain't nothing

but a wolf in pimp's clothing.

And all y'all his hos!

And you, I was gonna make you the future Mrs. Efrom.

- And look it here, you better get on out this church

before I put a whipping on you.

- What?

- I'll give you a front row seat!

- You ain't nothing!

- Freddy, you have raised 8 of the $10,000 you need,

is that correct?

- That's correct.

- Well I thank the congregation.

We have to help them out.

I think we should make a collection.

The church is supposed to help souls in trouble.

And we have to help young Freddy,

because he held this church down

for the past week.

Now we gotta help him through this trouble.

Music?

- Jesus!

- I wish I could dress like that.

- Where is my money?

- He got it.

- He got it.

- I think it's time for a collection.

- Move a little faster!

- Now get out of my church.

- That's right, get your ass out of here!

- I hope you choke on an egg roll!

- Can we have some music?

- My pleasure, Rev.

- Come on baby, go and play the piano.

That's my baby.

k Lay awake at night

k Right beneath the street

- Do you believe this happened?

They really stood up for us.

- Nobody ever did that for me before.

We got to change.

- You gotta stop stealing, that's what it is.

- Yeah.

- And be nice.

- Yeah.

- You like the black Grinch,

you need to be nice now.

- What you mean, Black Grinch?

- You don't like nobody.

You take everything like the Grinch, don't give it back,

I borrow my stuff.

All my stuff makes it to the pawn shop,

and somebody else gets it, so really I'm giving it back.

- Okay--

- Kind of like Robin Hood.

- That's my part, you know.

You gonna be having a real hard problem,

because your problem is that you're dumb.

So I don't see how you can change that,

you was born like that, right?

I would think that anybody that's dumb,

it's not really their fault.

- But God likes me more than he likes you,

because he made me lighter.

- Is that so?

- See how I got on white and you got on black?

Not by accident, because God.

- Well maybe it's time that you got Satan

out your life!

Join me, Reverend Paid in my house of worship,

five services every Sunday.

We have a three-tiered membership plan, 500; 1500,

and our gold plan $2,000.

- Calm down, I got you, I got you. Come on, relax, relax.

Relax, open your breathing, open your breathing.

You ain't got your pacifier with you, slow down, breathe.

Breathe, pretend you light skin.

You light skin.

Yeah, light skin.

- I don't like roaches.

Let him go, let him go, man!

You feeling stronger?

- Hey, come on man!

Come on, come on.

- You ain't felt no pressure like this!

- You see who he holding! You see who he holding?

- You ain't felt no pressure like this

since they shot your ass out the cannon!

- Bring it! Bring it!

Better chill him.

- What's your phone number, ma?

You know, the Short Stay right around the corner,

I got thirty dollars.

- You guys see a girl dressed as a cheeseburger

come by here?

- A girl dressed as a--

- You get outta here.

Get this burger out of here! Get out of here!

Get out of here! I don't want you on my property!

Get out of here!

- What y'all doing now?

What, y'all got some raw meat?

No, I don't want no more raw meat.

That tri-tip y'all sold me last week stuffed me.

I had to get some Ex-lax and sat on the toilet

for about ten days to get that stuff out of my body.

Now what y'all doing with these trench coats on?

What is this? It's too hot outside.

Trench coats and gym shoes.

Look at you. What's wrong with you?

- You ain't never seen that man before?

- What man?

- That man right there.

- Ain't no dogs allowed in here!

What church y'all from?

- Bethel, down the street, you know what.

- Down the street?

- Right around the corner, down the street.

- I ain't seen no church member with some gym shoes on,

and a trench coat.

What kind of church?

The New Church of Trench Coats and Gym Shoes?

And a headband?

- We a new congregation. Go along with it.

Just go along with it.

Just go over there and pretend like we pet detectives

and get the dog back.

Just go along with it, just play it easy

and go along with it, we got this.

- Tell you one thing, if some shit go down,

that's your ass, I ain't messing

with that big nigga over there.

- You want it right to camera? Right to cambra--camera.

Maybe you need to get Sa-tan

out your life.

- Don't disappoint me.

I got my eye on you.

All of you, .

La cucaracha.

I don't know why I hit you.

I slapped you, because the joke went dead,

and I was messing up and I just slapped you?

What is that?

k Trying to tell y'all something

k Checkmate

k One, two, with amazing raps

k Bring the track back with amazing tracks

k 15's in the trunk with amazing slaps

k I'm so damn hot, I take amazing craps

k Ooh-wee, you know that the boy is gifted

k Roll down the window when I smoke a spliff then

k I ought to be a player I'm so damn swifty

k Got your mama in the whip

k Because she so damn freaky

k Boosie, Boosie, that's all I hear

k Whisper in my ear tickling my rear k

k I wanna know you, you wanna know me

k In reality

k Me and you

k You and me, a scene

k Me and you

k Yeah

k Felt like this, the way I'm feeling right now k

k Certainly

k You're hot and horny

k Oh baby

k I know that you want it too

k So baby, I'm gonna

k Take your clothes off

k I'm gonna do it to you baby

k I'm gonna make some love all night to you baby

k I'm gonna love you my way

k Because you got me feenin' for your

k Your body k

k Hustle

k Hustle, hustle

k I know everything's gonna be all right

k Hustle, hustle

k From the sunrise to the late night

k I gotta make it out the hood

k I gotta find a way out

k Some say that I'm misunderstood

k But I gotta get by somehow

k I wanna live my life wide awake all night

k I've made up my mind

k See it's my time to take what is mine

k I want it all

k So I just gotta hustle

k I know everything is gonna be all right

k Hustle,

k From the sunrise to the late night

k Hustle, hustle

k I know everything's gonna be all right

k Hustle, hustle

k From the sunrise to the late night

k 'Cause I hustle k