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(upbeat music) (applause, chattering)

- Listen.

The bosses are gonna kill me, I have to get off.

One thing I have to tell you,

I should have told you when I first came out.

I'm one quarter German, three quarters Irish,

which makes me a very meticulous drunk.

(audience laughs)

I think the humor comes from the Irish side

because the Germans have never been known

as one of the great, fun races.

(audience laughs)

You see, the Germans, they don't understand

American humor because Americans,

like we very often say the exact opposite

of what we mean and the Germans, they're very literal.

Like a German visitor might come up to you and say,

"Would you explain something to me please?

"Your friend Curly, has no hair at all on his head..

(audience laughs)

"And Tiny is over 350 pounds." (audience laughs)

Thank you very much.

I hope you had as much fun as I did tonight,

I really have to go, thank you very much.

(upbeat music) (audience applause)

- [Woman] This show will air tomorrow night after

the six o'clock news.

- [Todd] Well, that'd be great.

- [Man] In five, four, three, two.

- Good evening, this is Nancy Hayes

and welcome to Nightlife.

Tonight our guest is comedian Todd Wilson,

who's enjoying a smash engagement here in Los Angeles.

Hi, Todd.

- Hi Nancy.

- For our Nightlife audience out there, tell us,

what have you been up to?

- Well, I just closed in Chicago, and I'm here

for another week and then I'm up to Las Vegas

for three weeks.

- Las Vegas.

It looks like everyone is having such a good time.

Is it really that much fun?

- Oh, you should have time to find out.

It's the first time I've ever played Las Vegas as a single.

I used to be half of a comedy team.

- I didn't know you were part of a team.

How long were you guys together?

- Probably before you were born.

Uh, actually, it was, uh, 25 years.

We had some tough times over the years, but,

Archie never changed.

Archie?

He was like a little kid, always having fun,

just trying to blend in with the crowd.

Archie?

Which, in Archie's case, wasn't so easy.

Archie?

(Archie vocalizes)

(soft carousel music)

I didn't know if you wanted cookies or fruit,

so I got you a pear.

Just pretend the dark spots are chocolate chips.

Cookies are loaded with sugar and fat.

You shouldn't eat anything that's bad for you.

(Archie grumbles)

It's decaffeinated.

(Archie vocalizes)

(Archie vocalizes)

We found a hotel with plenty of vacancies

and it was easy to understand why.

But at least it had a bathroom, which gave Archie

a place to hide while I unpacked.

I swear, he could see through walls.

As soon as I finished, out he'd come, no matter what.

(Archie grunts)

Archie, would you towel off?

You look like some hairball coughed up by

the world's biggest cat. (Archie vocalizes)

This gig could be our big break, you know.

The bottom line is three paid weeks,

and these days, that is nothing to sneeze at.

(Archie sneezes)

Very funny. (Archie laughs)

A lot of heavyweights come into that club,

and we could get spotted by some talent scout

who's looking for an opening act for Wayne Newton.

(Archie vocalizes)

(kisses)

I'm sure it was good for her, too.

Night, kiddo

(Archie vocalizes)

(soft music)

You probably won't have too much trouble guessing

what my dreams were like.

(upbeat music) (applause, cheering)

Was she great or what, ladies and gentlemen?

(applause, cheering)

You know, actually, I loved having Anne Margaret

as our opening act.

Well actually I liked her, Archie prefers Jane Goodall.

(laughing)

(applause, cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen, my partner, my best friend,

and ex-vice presidential candidate,

Archie right here, ladies and gentlemen.

(upbeat music) (applause, cheering)

(soft music)

I always wondered what kind of stuff

Archie's dreams were about.

Probably just like mine.

(upbeat percussion music) (animals vocalizing)

(snoring)

(upbeat, quirky music)

(knocking)

- Come on in.

- Usually, word of mouth had preceded us

when we played a new club.

Hi, are you Randy Mason?

- Sure am.

(Archie vocalizes)

And who are you?

- I'm Todd Wilson, and this is Archie.

We start a three week gig here tonight.

- Your agent said that you were a comedy team.

- We are.

He's the straight man.

Is there a problem?

- We're strictly a comedy club.

- We're strictly a comedy team.

My partner just happens to be a chimp.

(Archie vocalizes)

- Look, I can't bring an animal act in here.

- Look, he doesn't ride around the stage on a unicycle

or wear silly clothes, he just, he works with me,

like any other comedy team.

- Look, uh, Todd?

I think we're gonna have to pass.

(Archie blows raspberry) - We have a contract.

I even had Archie's ax notarized.

- Look, I'm sorry but when I signed that contract,

I thought I was making a deal with a couple of guys.

- Oh.

Oh you don't think he's a guy, huh?

Archie, show him how macho you are.

(Archie yells)

Put a watch on him, he could pass for Schwarzenegger.

(upbeat, quirky music)

I was getting the idea by now that my agent

wasn't paying much attention to our career.

(upbeat, quirky music)

Wait over there, and don't chew on the magazines.

(upbeat, quirky music)

I'm Todd Wilson, I'd like to see Irwin Stein.

- Will he know what this is in reference to?

- I'm his client for the past 25 years.

I think, I think my name might ring a bell.

- Fine.

- Hey, I told you this would happen.

20 years ago, you told me your dream was

to play a Vegas show room.

"Lose the chimpanzee," I said.

"Do stand up," I said, and what did you say to me?

"I can't leave Archie."

He's holding you back, Todd.

Animal acts are passe, with a capital pass.

- Do you know that a dying chimp

will sometimes hold off his death for days

just to die in the arms of his loved one?

Where do you see that kind of loyalty among humans?

(door opens)

Irwin?

Ir, Irwin?

You're fired, Irwin.

Passe my foot.

You and I are as fresh and funny as we were

25 years ago, and I know just the place to prove it.

(upbeat, quirky music)

You see now these, these are real hotels.

I wonder how passe we're gonna seem

when we wind up playing in the show

in one of these babies. (chuckles)

(upbeat, quirky music)

I'll trade you half a tuna sandwich for

one of those bananas.

(Archie grunts)

Just a suggestion.

(Archie vocalizes)

(upbeat, quirky music)

How was I supposed to know it was a female

impersonator show?

All right.

Geisha Lounge.

No.

Seven lounges, seven no's. (Archie vocalizes)

All right, let's go find a motel and

we'll try some more lounges tomorrow.

Come on.

Come on, Archie.

- Excuse me.

- We'd be working tonight if uyou looked more

like Madame Butterfly.

(Archie grunts)

I've become a real expert on motels over the years and

one of the things I've noticed is that every time

you've stayed in what you think is

the biggest dump imaginable,

a worse one comes along.

(upbeat, quirky music)

Don't look at me like that.

We can't afford to pass up a bargain;

it's $10 a night.

It's only until we get a job on the strip.

Now, duck your head down.

Look, I don't make the rules.

The other thing I figured is that somewhere

there's a motel God who assigns desk clerks to

the motel that most, uh, perfectly fits

the personality.

- It's $20 a night, in advance.

- 20?

Your signs says 10.

- $10 a person.

You don't like it?

Go up the strip and try to find cheaper.

- All right here's for,

here's for two nights, but for this kind of money,

we want privacy.

- Number 10, down on your left.

- Who was that?

- Oh, just another married guy here for a convention,

shacking up with one of the local bimbos.

- Listen to this, Archie.

Chick Balton is putting together a big

25th anniversary show.

Did you remember to flush?

(Archie vocalizes)

They need singers, dancers, (toilet flushes)

magicians, and other entertainers.

Chick Balton is the biggest producer here in Las Vegas.

Did you wash your hands?

(Archie vocalizes)

A--

Archie?

(Archie vocalizes) Don't.

Don't you dare lock that door. (Archie vocalizes)

Archie, you know you're not allowed to lock

the bathroom door, now open it.

(Archie vocalizes) (knocking)

Open it!

- Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said open it.

- Uh.

I, uh.

Are you, are you the maid?

(doorknob jangling)

Stay, uh, stay in there, dad.

My father just, he just got out of the tub

and he isn't dressed.

- Don't worry, next time just put the

"Do Not Disturb" sign outside.

Well since I'm already here, do you want me to make--

- Uh, no.

No, just, just leave the sheets.

Yeah, we'll make the bed ourselves.

We do it all the time.

Don't come out, dad, there's a lady here.

- You change your own sheets?

(Archie vocalizes) (woman gasps)

- Dad.

(Archie vocalizes) Don't be frightened.

- I'm not frightened.

I'm just, uh, trying to figure out a way to let you know

that your father is a chimpanzee.

- This is Archie, and I'm Todd.

- Hi, Archie.

(upbeat, quirky music)

- [Todd] So we went over to try to see Chick.

As in any good hotel, their first line of defense

was at the front door.

That is kind of smart.

You, you have to get up pretty early in the morning

to fool this guy.

- It's a monkey.

- Hey, have a little respect for your ancestors, eh?

Park this in the VIP parking please.

(people chattering)

Come on Archie, come on, come on.

- I'm sorry sir, but, he can't go in the casino.

- Oh, see I was afraid of that, Arch.

You've been spotted as a card counter.

It's a joke.

I'm Todd, and this is my partner, Archie.

We're here for the Chick Balton revue.

- Oh, that's different.

Let me check the list.

(people chattering)

I don't see Todd Wilson.

- Let me see.

Sometimes they....

(people chattering)

Sometimes they put Archie's name first.

Check...

Archie saw her before I did.

- Archie?

Archie.

- Guard! (whistles)

Get over here! - No, no, it's all right.

I know him.

Where's your dad?

Archie, where's your dad?

(people chattering)

- Maybe it's under my last name, Wilson,

or maybe Archie's last name, Smith.

(Archie vocalizes)

She looked as great as ever.

Wish I could say the same for me.

Laura? - Hello, Todd.

- You know this guy?

- I used to.

- I never, I never thought I'd see you again.

- Should we go inside?

- In a minute.

- You trying out for the revue?

- Um.

Yes, you could say that.

- Uh, well, I have, I have to get going.

We're going to miss the opening at the...

Look at me, in your business.

I should be saying good bye.

Well it was, uh,

it was nice seeing you.

Come on Archie.

Come on.

(soft, romantic music)

After 15 years, you'd think it wouldn't hurt anymore.

Okay, you'd better get some rest.

We're gonna try again in the morning.

(soft, romantic music)

(people chattering)

- [Man] Hey, you, black loafers.

Over here.

(Archie vocalizes)

- [Todd] I beg your pardon?

- Over here.

You need a shine.

- I'd love to, but I don't have the money.

Sam?

- You can't be Todd Wilson?

- Yes, I can.

- Well, Todd, you look good. (laughs)

Todd Wilson.

Is this your new partner?

- The same one as always.

- Well I'll be damned.

Archibald.

I would've thought that you had long since

left us for that big banana ranch in the sky.

- Well his ticker isn't as strong as it used to be, but,

he's doing okay.

- You just hop up here in this chair,

and let me give you a free one.

(Archie vocalizes)

There's some grapes in my bag there,

if you get hungry, Archibald.

- You know, you're the, uh, you're the only one

he'd ever let call him that?

(chuckles)

When did you leave Miami?

- When my arthritis got fed up with all

that rain and humidity.

An old man's bones needs this dry, desert air.

What about yourself?

- Oh, we're just here trying to pick up a gig.

Problem is, some people think that Archie and I don't

have a cutting edge act.

- Oh, bull.

You two were the best act that ever played

the Carousel Lounge on Biscayne Boulevard.

What did they hold you over for?

Six months?

(Archie vocalizes)

- Eight.

(machines rattling)

- Let's hope this broad's over her headache from

last night and can sign those contracts,

'cause if she don't sign, we don't have a show.

- Well maybe we can get another singer to fill in.

- I spent six months stealing her from The Paradise.

People don't wanna hear another singer,

they wanna hear Laura Connolly.

(knocking)

Hello. - Mr. Balton.

- Oh please, please, call me Chick.

Everybody does, don't they, Greg?

- Yes, Mr. Balton.

- I thought maybe you'd be ready to sign the contracts

for the show now.

- Won't you two please come in?

- Well, actually, Greg has some stuff to take care of

down in the casino, but, I think I can handle this

by myself.

- Come in, please.

- Thanks.

(clears throat)

I can't tell you how thrilled we are

that you've decided to headline the show.

- Thank you.

May I get you some coffee?

- Oh, thanks.

Black is fine.

Is the suite satisfactory?

- It's lovely.

But I would like to talk to you about the contracts.

- Oh, sure.

(chuckles)

Right here, Miss Connolly, and everything's just the

way we've worked it out.

I mean, your agent and I.

- I don't think I wanna sign.

- I beg your pardon?

- I meant, I don't think I wanna sign until I get

just one more little thing.

- Oh. (chuckles)

Well name it, what?

Bigger dressing room, a little more money, what?

What?

- Remember when we pulled in yesterday?

The chimpanzee?

- Yeah, yeah, you mean the fuzz wad that groped you

by the limo?

- I want him in the revue.

With his owner, of course.

- Listen, I already have magicians, skaters, jugglers.

What do we need a monkey act for?

- Because you don't have a singer.

Yet.

- Oh. (chuckles)

Oh.

Okay.

But I can't guarantee him a slot in the revue

until I know they're funny, so let me put 'em in the lounge.

If they work out, they'll go right into the show.

Deal?

- Pass the contracts.

- The trick in this business is to get yourself

a unique act and stick with it,

and that's the philosophy Arch and I always live by.

What's his name? - Terrance.

- Cute little guy, isn't he? (Archie vocalizes)

Where's he from?

- England?

- You hear that?

He's English.

- [Man] Todd and Archie.

Todd and Archie.

- Listen, um, bring him around some time.

Archie'll show him some tricks.

(Terrance vocalizes)

It turned out to be more of a lunch meeting

than an audition.

- Hold it right there.

He's a little old, isn't he? (Archie vocalizes)

- Old?

Would you like to arm wrestle with him?

- I wonder how kids would identify with a chimp that old.

- Kids love him.

He's like a cross between a grandfather and a pet.

- Where's his props?

- [Todd] What props?

- Props?

Beach ball.

Jump rope.

Motorcycle.

- Archie doesn't do monkey tricks.

- Then excuse me, what does he do?

- It's what we do.

We do comedy.

- Who let this guy in here?

Thanks.

Next act, please.

(Archie vocalizes)

- You mean you're not even gonna look at us?

- He said thank you.

- [Man] Next.

(upbeat pop rock music)

- Cowabunga, dudes.

- [Judges] Now this is more like it.

- If you could give me a little beat there,

that would be great.

Okay?

See you tomorrow.

- Oh, Miss Connolly?

Hi, how's it going?

- Very well, thank you.

- About that chimpanzee.

- Todd and Archie.

- Tried the number you gave me, but, Irwin Stein

said he no longer handles 'em.

- Well did he give you the number of their new agent?

- As far as he knows, they don't have one,

and I'd love to keep my end of the bargain,

but if I can't even find these--

- I'll find 'em.

- Good, and when you do, just let me know

how to get ahold of them.

Oh, Miss Connolly?

I'm thinking of having a few people in my suite

for dinner tonight.

Would you care to join us?

- Oh, no, no thank you.

I have something I have to do.

- Oh.

Another time, maybe.

(upbeat, bumbly music)

- Nothing.

I can't believe it.

What happens to the days when if you had a good novelty act,

everybody wanted you?

I'm not sure I have enough money to pay

for this room after tonight.

Better go down to the office and see if the owner

can be sweet talked into being a little more flexible until

we get work.

(soft music)

All right, kiddo.

It had been almost an hour since the last time

I was humiliated, so I figured I'd give Madame LaFarge

a chance.

- What kind of a rip off are you trying to pull?

- I'm not trying to rip you off.

I just wanted to know if we could have a

few day's grace on our room.

- No pay, no stay.

(phone ringing)

- Okay, okay, I'll get the money.

- If you don't have 20 bucks by check out time tomorrow,

you can take a hike, and that goes for your

little pet, too.

- You knew about him?

- Him?

- Todd, Todd, this is for Archie.

- Oh, great, Archie loves apples.

- Well, actually, he tells me that he prefers bugs,

but I don't carry those in my back pocket.

I heard Miss Spindell yelling at you, what's wrong?

- Uh, she's afraid we're gonna stiff her on the room.

- Oh, relax.

She thinks everybody's gonna stiff her.

- We're down to our last few bucks

and I can't find any work.

I've tried every club I could find.

Nobody wants us.

- Well you know what?

My brother.

He's a waiter at a little club on the edge of town.

Maybe he can get you something there.

- Well, I've never worked as a waiter.

I guess I could learn.

- Not as a waiter, you ding dong, as entertainers.

- You think they'd take us?

- Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

I'll call right now.

- Well, you know, that's show business for you.

The next thing we knew, we were, uh,

well, you know, you could say we were headlining this

incredible international revue.

(cheering) (dramatic guitar music)

(cheering) (upbeat mariachi music)

(upbeat mariachi music) (man singing in Spanish)

(audience applause) (cheering)

(man speaking in Spanish)

(audience applause) (cheering)

(upbeat mariachi music) (man singing in Spanish)

(audience applause) (cheering)

(soft music)

Um, a margarita without salt and a glass

of water for me, please.

- Margarita without salt.

Now that's a good memory.

(soft music)

- Well, sometimes, a good memory can be a disadvantage.

- Where's Archie?

- Oh, he's taking a little nap.

Not as young as he used to be.

- Who is?

- Right.

So, how'd you find us?

- I just followed the trail of banana peels.

(chuckles)

- No, seriously.

How'd you find us?

- I hit every club in the phone book,

and I showed them your photograph.

- Oh, I, uh, I would have thought you'd be carrying

a photograph of that director I read about

you were living with a couple years ago.

- He didn't mean anything to me.

- Ah.

So, what are you doing here?

- Well I came to see if you and Archie

were as good as you used to be.

- And?

- You're not.

You're better.

(chuckles)

Makes me wonder why you're playing this small place

off the strip.

- Oh, uh.

We're doing a, a favor for a friend.

- You can make more working in Chick Balton's revue.

- They don't need us.

- Oh, didn't you hear?

A couple of the variety acts fell out.

A flu, or something.

And they're really looking for an act like yours.

- You know, maybe, you know, Archie and I'll

check that out in the morning.

You know, who knows, we could wind up

sharing the same bill again.

This was my chance to make my move,

or Archie was gonna have to sleep in the car tonight.

- Well I probably should be going.

- Yeah, I probably should be checking on Archie.

- Good night.

It was nice seeing you again.

- [Todd] Well you know, you don't make a star like

Archie if you sleep in a car.

It just isn't done.

(upbeat, quirky music)

(knocking)

- What?

(upbeat, quirky music)

- The guy with the monkey is here.

- Right.

What's his name?

- Who?

- The guy.

- Oh, um...

Todd Wilson.

- Well tell him to come in.

- Balton was as tough as they come,

so I decided to let him know who was calling the shots.

Hello again, Mr. Balton.

- Right.

Now here's the deal.

You start in the lounge, 800 a week.

If you can cut it there, you go right into the revue.

Greg will show you your dressing room,

give you your motel allowance, and first week's pay.

- Uh, don't you wanna see us audition?

- What?

- Audition, you know, don't you wanna see our act?

- I heard you were good, that's all I need to know.

Now if you and your friend don't mind,

I've got a business to run here.

- Uh, thanks.

- Yeah.

- Uh, thanks.

Thanks a lot.

(people chattering) (upbeat music)

Archie.

Didn't I tell ya?

(Archie vocalizes)

(upbeat music)

It seems if you've got real talent,

they treat you with respect. (Archie vocalizes)

(upbeat, quirky music)

Now, you're sure this is the dressing table you want?

Because there's no changing your mind later on.

(Archie grunts)

Archie, I'll be back in a few minutes once you make

up your mind.

(Archie vocalizes)

I figured Archie was old enough for me to leave

him there with the champagne.

After all, in human terms, he was, uh, 138?

(Archie vocalizes)

(people chattering)

(knocking)

Uh, Western Union.

- What's the message?

- Uh, the message is, uh, "Thank you for the champagne,

"stop, and for tipping me off to the job, stop."

- Your talent got you here, not me.

- Oh.

I brought you these.

(soft music)

- I remember the first time you brought me daisies.

- Me, too.

- Well hell again Archie.

- Todd, Todd.

Archie's the one with the prehensile feet.

- Oh, good.

- What beautiful roses.

- The hotel likes to welcome its star in a

first class way.

Wait, I have something else for you.

Would you mind holding these, Arch?

(chuckles)

- Todd.

- I'll hold those for you.

- Thank you.

It's lovely.

It's a bird.

- Agapornis roseicollis, the peach faced lovebird.

It's the showroom logo.

- It's beautiful.

- A lovebird suits you.

Oh, I am being rude.

You have a rehearsal to get to.

Here, let me take these.

Shall I come in and put these in a vase for you?

(machines rattling) (bell ringing)

- So what kind of props do you need?

- Well I need two, two bar stools.

You know, the kind with backs.

- Uh huh.

- And a dozen champagne glasses, unbreakable, flexi,

and two bottles of sparkling apple juice.

- Okay.

I think that's everything.

- Um, how many people can this place hold?

- Oh on a good night, 200.

I'll see that your props are set before the show.

- Come here, Arch, I wanna show you somethin'.

(Archie vocalizing)

Okay Arch, don't be nervous.

There's nobody here. (Archie vocalizes)

Well this is it.

This is the big room.

If we do okay in the lounge,

this would be our new home.

I wonder how many people it'll seat.

A thousand, maybe?

Geez.

A thousand people paying 40 bucks a head to see us.

(Archie vocalizes)

Okay, okay, us and some supporting acts.

Well, I guess this'll show everybody we're not passe.

(footsteps approaching)

Decision time.

Beautiful, desirable woman or three foot elderly chimp?

Arch, Archie, come here.

Why don't you sit here and make a drawing,

and I'm gonna talk to Laura.

(soft piano music)

Oh, that sounds familiar.

You think you can still sing it in the key of C?

- Well my voice hasn't let me down yet.

- Good, 'cause that's the only key I can play it in.

- Well I thought you could play in all keys.

- I could, but, um, hunting accident.

It's not a pretty story.

(chuckles)

(soft piano music)

♪ When your heart breaks down ♪

♪ You don't understand ♪

♪ When you feel alone at night ♪

♪ You need a loving hand ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll always be there ♪

♪ I'm someone who loves you ♪

♪ Someone who cares ♪

♪ And I'll be ♪

♪ Somebody to lean on ♪

♪ Somebody to talk to ♪

♪ In the dark at night ♪

♪ Just need ♪

♪ Somebody to hold you ♪

♪ Somebody that knows you, darlin' ♪

♪ Makes you feel at home ♪

♪ When you're alone ♪

♪ As long as you know that wherever you go ♪

♪ You're never alone ♪

♪ You'll believe ♪

♪ Clouds come and go but the sun never leaves ♪

♪ It's always there but sometimes you can't see it ♪

♪ I'll need ♪

♪ Somebody to lean on ♪

♪ Somebody to talk to ♪

♪ In the dark at night ♪

♪ You just need ♪

♪ Somebody to hold you ♪

♪ Somebody that knows you, darlin' ♪

♪ And makes you feel at home ♪

♪ When you're alone ♪

♪ Oh darlin' ♪

♪ When you're alone ♪

Did I, did I get that last chord right?

- Um.

Try this.

(soft piano music)

- You know, it hasn't been 15 years since I last saw you.

- It hasn't?

- No, I saw you five years ago in Atlantic City.

Yeah, you were playing at The Palace and Archie and I

were at the Million Dollar Pier a couple of weeks

before it fell into the ocean.

- Oh, I remember that.

But I didn't know that you were there.

- And then after our show, I'd run over to The Palace

and I'd sit in the balcony

and watch you sing.

Every night.

Well every night except the last night.

I didn't go to the last night 'cause I, I didn't.

I didn't want it to be over.

Remember the move I didn't make yesterday?

Well, this was the time.

You know, I never blamed you for dumping me.

- What?

- Well I mean, who wouldn't have run out?

I mean, you were a singer rising to stardom,

and what was I?

I was a novelty act.

- And that's why you think I left?

- Well let's face it, I mean, I couldn't do

anything for you.

And then I read in the tabloids that you were living with

a big time talent agent.

- He didn't mean anything to me.

- Well maybe not, but I, you know, I figured you were,

you were doing what was best for your career.

- Let me get this straight.

You think I'm the kind of woman who dumps somebody

who can't help her career, and then sleeps her way

to the top?

- I didn't say that.

- I'd stay away from her if I were you, pal.

- Why?

- Well, she's the headliner and you're just another

novelty act.

She's also a lady, and you're a guy who rooms

with a chimpanzee.

And last but not least,

she's mine.

- Well you know, like I said before,

you don't make a big star like Archie sleep in a car.

(soft piano music)

I don't know maybe, maybe Chick Balton was pulling my chain?

It's just that he doesn't seem like the type

that Laura would go for.

Yeah, you're right.

What difference does it make?

That was 15 years ago, and I'm blowing it now.

(people chattering)

Always be nice to the kitchen help.

It can mean the difference between a hamburger,

and a porterhouse steak. (Archie vocalizes)

- Excuse me?

You can't bring that monkey in here.

- Well why not?

He's an employee just like you.

- Hard to think he's just like me.

- I'll take that back, you're right.

He's got a personality. (workers laughing)

- Hey, hey.

It's okay, I know these guys.

I saw you two at El Toro Rojo.

You were really good man.

(workers agreeing)

- You hear that Arch?

A fan. (chuckles)

- The fact remains that I can't allow him in here.

- Hey look, you're in charge out there, all right?

And I'm in charge back here.

Now, you wanna argue with us?

(workers agreeing)

- Did I tell you about Archie's ice trick?

(man yells)

(workers laughing) (upbeat, quirky music)

(machines rattling) (people chattering)

Okay, Archie, which one of these machines looks like

it's ready to cough up some dollars?

(Archie vocalizes)

(people laughing)

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll take this one and you find one for yourself.

(people laughing)

No, no, no, no. (people laughing)

Archie, I told you, this is mine.

You find one for yourself. (people laughing)

- You've been putting on shows here

as long as I've run this place.

But a chimp act?

- I have my doubts, too, but

if it keeps the star happy, it's worth it.

(people laughing)

- What's going on here?

- Archie, I told you.

Wait until I put a dollar in. (people laughing)

- He's funneling, can you believe it?

What does he think this is?

The Catskills?

- Pull, Archie.

All the way.

Archie was a shrewd gambler.

His trick was that

he had this poker face.

You know, you just couldn't tell what he was thinking.

(cheering) (machine ringing)

- They seem to love it.

(cheering) (machine ringing)

- Okay, okay Archie, that's enough.

Let's go home and we'll put this in your piggy bank.

(people laughing)

Archie, ladies and gentlemen.

Todd and Archie, we'll see you at the lounge tonight.

(cheering) (upbeat, quirky music)

(knocking)

Things were going so well, it was time to

straighten things out with Laura.

- Todd.

- Can I, can I come in?

- Sure.

- Look, Laura.

I know you hate my guts.

- I don't hate you.

- Well that's sure what it sounded like yesterday.

- Yesterday you implied that I ran out on you.

- Well maybe I'm crazy, but, you know receiving a postcard

from New York saying, "Good bye, don't call me."

It just might possibly be construed as

running out on a guy.

Laura?

I asked you to marry me.

- Three times.

But each time before we could actually get married,

you and Archie disappeared.

- Paying gigs.

I mean, you knew we always went where the work was.

- Oh, I know.

It was always legitimate.

It was always work.

But after the third time,

I knew that you were never going to go through

with the wedding.

Face the facts.

You have used Archie to avoid making a commitment,

to a viable career,

or to a person.

(sighs)

- Laura.

I loved you.

- I know.

But you didn't need me.

I know that because every time we'd start

to get close together, you'd find an excuse to

stay away from me.

- Look.

Is there any way to make this thing right?

- Maybe we could start by going to get a cup of coffee?

- I, I have to go.

- I don't believe this.

- We have a rehearsal.

- This is a rerun of 15 years ago.

- We can have a coffee right after--

- Get out!

Get out of here, Todd Wilson, before I scream.

- You are screaming.

- Get out.

Out!

Get out!

- [Todd] I know you don't believe me but

I used to be a terrific straightener.

- Damn him.

- Archie and I always did the same things

to get ready for a show.

The only difference was that I shaved.

Look good. (Archie vocalizes)

(Archie vocalizes)

Sound good. (Archie vocalizes)

(gurgling)

Smell good. (Archie vocalizes)

And, feel good.

Come on, there we go.

Okay, let's go out and kill 'em, Archie.

Come on.

Come on. (Archie vocalizing)

- [Announcer] And now, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together, and extend a hearty

Las Vegas to that hilarious twosome,

Todd and Archie.

(applause) (upbeat music)

- Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.

Archie and I would like to start off our show.

Archie? (audience laughs)

Where is Archie? (audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

(applause) (laughing)

Archie, would you mind coming up here?

I want you up here right this minute.

(audience laughs)

Archie, it's time to start the show, now stop that.

(audience laughs)

Archie, do you realize that that lady's husband

is seated right next to her?

What is he gonna say?

(audience laughs) (applause)

Archie.

(audience applause)

(audience applause)

Archie, I'm glad you decided to join me.

Maybe now we can start the show.

You know, ladies and gentlemen,

believe it or not, Archie is an expert charades players.

And to demonstrate his uncanny ability,

just before the show, Archie and a stagehand

chose a member of our audience, completely at random,

to select a title.

I'm gonna try to guess that title based solely

on the clues given to me by Archie.

All right, Archie, you wanna show the card to the audience?

(audience laughs)

You're right, you're right.

(audience chattering)

(clapping)

Okay, I'm ready when you are, Arch.

(Archie vocalizing)

A song.

Six words in the title.

First word.

Eyes.

Eyeballs.

The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You.

Angel eyes?

You can't hide your lying eyes.

Blind as a one-eyed sailor.

(audience laughs)

Uh, a vision.

Uh, sight.

Uh, eyes.

I?

I. (audience applause)

Second word.

Uh, second word.

Sounds like.

Meandering.

You're meandering.

You're walking.

I'm walking the float over to you, thank you.

No?

Okay, all right.

A walk on the wild side.

Walk, don't run.

Uh, I'd walk the entire world for just

one dance with you.

Roving, you're roving.

You're roaming in the gloaming.

(audience exclaims)

You're wandering.

Sounds like, sounds like wander.

Wandering?

Wander.

Sounds like wander, wonder.

I wonder.

Oh, this is easy. (audience applause)

I wonder what time it is.

No? (audience laughs)

(Archie vocalizing) (audience laughing)

I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now?

(Archie vocalizes) (upbeat music)

(applause) (upbeat music)

(Todd drowned out by applause)

(upbeat music) (applause)

(applause)

- Boy, I tell you, you two were just wonderful tonight.

(workers agreeing)

- Well, we had a great audience.

Archie, go easy there.

- It's okay, let him have fun, it's a celebration.

(workers agreeing)

- I don't want his cholesterol to celebrate

breaking the 300 mark. (laughing)

No, no, no listen.

Chimps get exactly the same diseases that we get.

- Hey Archie.

Archie, your partner doesn't want you to have any fun.

What to you think about that, huh?

(Archie blows raspberry) (workers laughing)

- You saw with your own eyes, they killed the audience.

I want them in the revue.

- They're making great money in the lounge.

Why don't we just leave well enough alone?

- We had a deal.

- Well, we didn't have anything in writing,

and your contract for the show was signed,

sealed, and delivered.

(clears throat) (coughs)

What's the matter?

- Laryngitis. (clears throat)

- What?

(coughs)

- It could be weeks before I can sing again. (coughs)

- I don't believe this.

- Believe it.

(beeping)

- [Greg] Yes, Mr. Balton?

- Greg, tell that Todd Wilson and his chimpanzee

they're in the revue.

- After my spot.

- After Miss Connolly's number.

- [Greg] Yes, sir.

(phone ringing)

- I hate it when the phone wakes me up,

but over the years I've developed a clever way

to answer.

Hello?

Oh, hi Greg.

Uh, sure I can meet him at three o'clock.

Thank you, good bye.

1:30?

Day time 1:30?

Come on, get up Arch, we've slept away half the day.

Yeah, you're right.

We're both too old to be partying until

three in the morning.

(people chattering)

- Just remember, you're working for me, not for them.

They should go home happy, but not too rich.

(Chick clears throat)

- Take a break.

Todd, this is Mr. Cadwell, the president of the hotel.

- Oh, great to meet you.

And thanks for the shot at the main room.

Archie and I, we won't let you down.

- I understand this is your first time

in a big showroom.

- First time, yeah.

- Well things are different from the way they are

in the lounge.

- Mr. Cadwell heard you worked chimp loose.

- Well, I let Archie, uh, I let Archie go

and find funny bits, if that's what he means.

But if the crowd laughs and Archie leaves it in,

you know, it's always worked for us in the past.

- No, not here in the big room.

(people chattering) (machines rattling)

- We're saying you gotta tighten up your act.

I mean, you work the animal lose, you're on stage what,

five, six, seven minutes.

You never know.

- Well you know, we've never overstayed our welcome

as far as the audience is concerned.

- Now, you're gonna be on

four minutes, exactly.

- You're putting a stopwatch on us?

- The casino has a hundred dealers lined up

outside the room, just waiting for that crowd.

Every minute you go over, costs me.

- Explain that to Archie.

- No, no, no, no, we're gonna tell you.

You wanna play that showroom, or you wanna hang around

waiting for Ed Sullivan to get reincarnated?

- I better get started if I'm gonna trim the act.

- Another thing.

Teach that monkey some new tricks.

We don't want people to think they're seeing some

warmed over lounge act at a Chick Balton revue.

- You know, Archie isn't as young as he used to be.

New tricks come hard.

- Maybe you didn't hear me.

- I heard you.

New tricks.

(people chattering)

- Animal acts.

(soft piano music)

- Archie, what's the matter with you?

We're never gonna finish the routine on time

if you stroll around the piano.

As soon as I start to play the piano,

you steal the music and run around the piano.

Run, don't walk.

Now, go.

(soft piano music)

Who told you to sit and read the music?

Look, stop adding new gags.

All you have to do is grab the music and run.

I mean, is that so hard?

Just, screw your little chimpanzee head on right.

All right, get back here and let's do it again.

Now, I start to play the piano, and you run

around the piano, understand?

Run.

Fast.

Go. (soft piano music)

(Archie vocalizing)

The music, you forgot the music.

(Archie vocalizing)

Look, Arch.

We were only gonna be on for four minutes, but I, uh,

had a feeling it was gonna be a long four minutes.

(soft piano music)

How are you doing, kiddo?

(Archie vocalizes)

Look, I, I know I've been pushing you too hard, but,

I mean, we're so close.

And you know, I just, I want us to be great.

(knocking)

Come in.

- Hi, what you doin'?

- Oh, we're just taking a breather, you know,

between rehearsals.

- Mr. Balton wants to know how the new routine's comin'.

- Fine, fine.

Archie's taken to the new material like when he was a kid.

You know, we just have to shave off a few seconds

off the act, that's all.

- You'll have him ready by tomorrow morning?

- Tomorrow morning?

Uh.

Dress rehearsal's not for two days.

- Mr. Balton wants to see a run through,

in the morning, 10 o'clock.

He needs time in case we need to find a replacement.

- We'll be ready.

(door closes)

Archie and I would now like to do a piano duet for you.

It's a very special number.

It's Archie's favorite, as a matter of fact.

Debussy's Afternoon of a Fawn.

Archie, you play the left hand part,

and would you turn the pages, please?

(soft piano music)

Would you turn the pages, please?

(Archie grunts)

It's that old football injury...

You know how sometimes you get this feeling

that things aren't going well?

Go.

Anyway, the gag is that he,

he steals the music.

And he runs around the piano.

- Put a call into Atlantic City.

Tell 'em I want a backup act standing by.

- Well, how come?

You put us in the show 'cause you knew we had talent.

- I put you in the show because Laura Connolly

busted my chops until I did.

(soft, melancholy piano music)

(people chattering)

- And here I thought we made it into the revue

on our talent.

Now I find out that Laura's been using her influence

with Chick Balton.

- Well what's wrong with that?

- What's wrong with that?

I mean, I'm humiliated.

That's what's wrong with that.

- Well feel what you like.

But if it was me, I'd be proud.

Okay, so who cares how you got the job,

as long as you know that you got the talent to do the job.

I mean, uh, would you feel any better if some high powered

agent strong armed Chick Balton into giving you the shot?

Second, if a lady went out on a limb like that for me,

I don't care what her reasons are.

I'd feel good.

It means she cares about me.

(soft piano music)

- You really, you really think so?

- A shoe man never lies.

- I've never heard that expression.

(Archie vocalizes)

Well, Archie and I have a rehearsal.

We'd better get goin'.

(soft piano music)

- How is Archibald doin'?

Looks a little pinkish.

- Oh, we, uh, he's okay.

We've been working a little hard, but he's a real trooper.

Come on, Archie. (Archie vocalizes)

(upbeat music) (people chattering)

There's something about being backstage before a show.

It's exciting.

It's invigorating but for some reason,

I was getting nauseous.

Oh, listen, listen to that Archie.

They've got the full orchestra for dress rehearsal.

- That's the cue for Laura's final number.

You're on next. - We know, we know.

- Oh, okay, okay.

- All right, Arch, a couple more performances

and you'll know the cues better than I do.

You always do.

All right, give us a kiss.

I'm not going out there without a kiss.

All right, look sharp.

Ladies.

(Archie cries out)

Archie?

Archie?

- What's going on?

- Get an ambulance. - What?

- Get an ambulance.

Get it, now!

It's gonna be all right.

It's gonna be all right.

- [Man] All right, look out, coming through, coming through.

- There's an animal hospital on 17th, we'll take him there.

- Hang on, pal.

(radio chatter)

(sirens blaring)

If I ever had a lower moment in my life,

I don't remember.

(beeping)

- He's had a stroke.

- Was, was there any way to know?

I mean, is there anything that I--

- These things happen, Mr. Wilson.

There's no way to predict when.

- Will he recover?

- He's old.

(beeping) (slow, melancholy music)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How is he?

- His left side if paralyzed.

The doctor doesn't know what.

- Why don't you let me take you back to the motel?

- How can I go back to that room and,

and look at his little bed?

No, I think I'll say here.

- Well you can't do any--

- I said I'm going to stay here.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't take it out on you.

It's just that, we were so close.

- [Laura] I know you were.

- Besides, you probably wanna get back to Chick Balton.

- Why?

- He said that, that you were seeing each other.

- Well he lied.

- Laura, it's okay.

I mean, I know that you used your influence

to get Archie and I into the show.

- For the past 10 years, I've worked nearly every

showroom on the strip.

And I have a lot of clout as an entertainer.

Professional clout, and that's exactly what I

used with Chick Balton.

- Oh.

I thought...

(soft piano music)

- Come on, let me take you home.

(soft piano music)

(soft jazzy music)

(people chattering)

(soft jazzy music)

- What is this?

- Say hello to Terrance.

He belonged to an Englishman who lost

all his money gambling.

- No.

- But in England, he used to play the music halls.

- You're talking about Archie like he's dead or somethin'.

I mean he's gonna get better and when he does,

he's gonna be my partner again.

- Oh, Archie is gonna get better.

But, don't let it blow your one chance to do

what you told me you've always wanted to do.

That's to play a showroom in Las Vegas.

And I think that Archie might like at least

one of you to have that chance.

Terrance isn't going to replace Archie.

He's a temp.

They say he's quick.

Watch this.

Terrance, turn on the TV.

Look.

The TV?

(clicking)

It could work, Todd.

- What about Chick Balton?

- Let me take care of him. (Terrance vocalizing)

(soft jazzy music)

(knocking)

- Come on.

(knocking)

All right, all right.

Oh, hello.

- Hello.

I'd like to speak to you about Todd Wilson.

- Sorry about his chimpanzee.

Now Greg will take care of their severance.

Normally we'd give a week, but,

I'll see they get two.

- He has a new chimp.

- I got a replacement act flying in from Atlantic City.

Now the deal is set.

- Then unset it.

- No.

You've been jerking me around about this guy for a week,

now he's out of the show.

And don't try pulling that laryngitis crap on me, either.

You've got a contract, and if you try to

break that contract, I'll have my lawyers all over ya,

like cloves on a ham, you understand?

- I understand.

It's just too bad, though.

- What's too bad?

- Well, I was just starting to warm up to you.

- What do you mean warm up?

- Well, I thought we'd start by going to dinner

tonight after the show.

- And?

- Well I'm not the kind of girl who kisses on the first date

so we might have to go to dinner every night this week.

(clapping)

- Now, we'd like to play a piano duet for you,

you nice people.

You did, you did bring the music?

(Terrance vocalizes)

Well, where is it?

(Terrance vocalizes)

(laughs)

Remember Archie used to do that when he was a kid?

He is quick.

All right, I'll play the first movement,

and you play the second.

I'm sure all the people are anxious to see

our premiere performance of Moonlight Sonata.

Are you ready? (Terrance vocalizes)

Fine.

(soft piano music)

How am I supposed to play my part if you turn the page?

(soft piano music)

Time?

- Four minute, 30 seconds, on the button.

- Great.

Good boy, go get some juice. (Terrance vocalizes)

- You two are gonna be great.

- Maybe.

I just, I just wish it was Archie up there with me.

- Don't start.

If Archie could talk, he'd tell you you're doing

exactly what you should be doing.

- Come on.

Oh, thank you, Terrance.

Thank you.

Hi, hi Arch.

Oh, where'd you get the nice flowers?

Have you got a girl on the side I don't know about?

"Dear Archie, get well soon.

"Love, Rosalita."

Well that's very sweet.

You know, don't ya?

He's good.

He's young, he's very good.

Not as good as you.

But you know, when you're over this thing,

we'll sit him down,

and you'll be right back where you should be.

Archie and Todd together.

I promise.

(audience applause) (cheering)

- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Grand Showroom.

Tonight we are proud to present the

25th Anniversary edition of the Chick Balton Revue.

(audience applause) (cheering)

- Not exactly the Gettysburg Address,

but that's a show start.

Well, Chip was in a great mood.

He even have himself a standing ovation.

Okay, now, we can't go out there with our

faces looking like lumps of dough.

We need

features.

Okay, your turn you handsome devil.

(upbeat electronic pop music)

Look good. (Terrance vocalizes)

(upbeat electronic pop music)

(audience exclaims)

(applause) (cheering)

Sound good. (Terrance vocalizes)

(slurps)

(chuckles)

(upbeat electronic pop music) (clapping)

(audience exclaims)

- If this act doesn't get any better,

I'm gonna make 'em both disappear.

- Smell good. (Terrance vocalizes)

(upbeat electronic pop music)

(audience applause)

- Backstage, Greg.

I'll put you through to his dressing room.

Laura?

It's an emergency at the vet's.

It's for Todd.

- Don't put it though.

Yes?

I'll make sure he's told, thank you.

- And feel good. (Terrance vocalizes)

This is the part where Archie always gave me a hug.

We always hugged before we'd go on.

(upbeat electronic pop music)

- Tell the lighting man to hold that spotlight steady.

And see that he drinks decaf tomorrow.

Where's the chimp act?

He should be out here.

- I'm here.

- Well, it's about damn time.

Laura's cue is coming up and you're on right after her.

Where's the monkey?

- I'm afraid I won't be going on tonight.

- What?

(drum roll)

- There's your cue, kiddo.

Break a leg.

- Thanks.

- What the hell do you mean you won't be going on tonight?

- I only wish Archie were here to see it.

- [Chick] You're missing your cue, go on.

- I can't.

- Get out there.

- Hey, hey, hey, keep off her.

- You're fired, and you've got a lawsuit on your hands

if you don't get out there right now.

- I can't.

I've got something I have to tell you.

- What?

- I got a call from the vet.

I'm on tonight, you creep, but you better get yourself

another singer by tomorrow.

- I was afraid you'd be too late.

He's had another stroke.

- Hi, hi kiddo, how are you doin'?

- [Veterinarian] I'm not sure how much he can hear.

And he's almost completely paralyzed on both sides now.

- Listen, could you leave me alone with him

for just a little while?

- Of course.

- Well, this is, uh, this is great.

You're lying around here taking it easy while I'm,

I'm busting my hump trying to keep us in black coffee

and bananas.

You want the details, right?

The new kid, he hit all his cues.

And I was like, like really hot, you know?

This is all stuff, you know, that I'll read

you tomorrow when Variety hits the stands, but,

in the meantime, let me just say that, uh,

it was one of the biggest thrills of my life.

A Vegas showroom, Arch.

Not a lounge.

Not a little club.

Not one of those toilets like, uh,

where the hell was it?

Boise, Boise.

Oh, remember that dump?

This was a real, uh,

real Vegas show.

It was a, it was a dream come true.

Yeah, tonight is, uh...

it's the happiest night of my life.

(slow, melancholy music)

(soft mariachi music)

Everybody came out for the funeral.

It was really a dignified service.

Well as dignified as it can be when you're bury next to

Beanie and Bitsy.

It was the last time I saw my buddy, but,

not the last time I thought about him.

And not the last time that I missed him.

Thank you guys.

Archie would have loved.

I'd like to say a few words about Archie.

You all knew him as a sweet, gentle guy

with a loving heart.

Archie was more human than most people I've met in my life.

He was my best friend for 25 years.

I'm gonna miss him every time I,

I see that toothpaste cap exactly where I left it.

I'm gonna miss him when I go through a whole day without

someone playing a practical joke on me.

Good bye, kiddo.

(slow, melancholy music)

- Good bye, Archie.

(slow, melancholy music)

So where do you think you and Terrance

will be playing next?

- He won't be playing anywhere next.

- Well, isn't he going with you?

- Yeah, as a friend and a pet, but, not as a partner.

I've gotta try it on my own as a comic.

- I think it's about time.

- Laura.

I know I have no right to ask,

and I know I'm not a very good prospect, I mean,

as of last night, I don't have a job.

- I'm going with you.

- I guess that was pretty persuasive stuff.

(chuckles)

I love you.

- But do you need me?

- I guess this is the part where I could really

screw up with the wrong answer, eh?

- Yes.

- I need you.

(soft, romantic music)

Terrance, old buddy,

tonight you're sleeping in the car.

(soft, romantic music)

(upbeat, quirky music)

(MultiCom Jingle)