All language subtitles for The Delicate Delinquent (1957) 720p web.en

All right,
everybody out.

Welcome to the neighborhood,
shamus.

Move on, punk.

All right,
get out!

All right, take it easy!
What are you trying to do?

Get out.

All right, come on, get out.
Here we go.

I was only emptying
the garbage.

Go on, get inside.
Move on, punk.

What are you
trying to prove?

You're a big man,
a tough guy, huh?

Butt out, Damon!

Come in.

Oh, it's you.
Come in, sit down.

Thank you, sir.

I want to talk to you.
Yes, sir.

Well, I see
you've been initiated.

Oh, yes, sir. I'd like to put in
for the Purple Heart, sir.

Some evening, huh?

No, no, it wasn't
so bad, captain.

I understand
it was quite a rumble.

I've seen
a lot worse, sir.

So I've noticed.

Your record shows you've spent
the past three years

working in neighborhoods
like ours,

so-called slum areas.

That's right, sir.

Your record also shows

that you've had
your skull fractured,

your arm broken twice,
lost three teeth

and been stabbed
four different times.

Well, no, sir. That...
All by young punk hoodlums

who you've tried unsuccessfully
to reform. Is that correct?

Well, not exactly, sir.
You see...

Damon, let's get
to the point.

For three years, you've worked
as sort of an emissary

for a would-be group
of reformers

who think that juvenile
delinquency can be curtailed

if we treat these hoodlums
with kid gloves.

Now, just a minute,
captain.

You'll wait till
I'm through talking, Damon.

If I wait until you're
finished talking, captain,

I'll be up
for a pension!

Well put, Mike.
Go ahead. Talk.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, look, captain.

I know you wanted me
in your precinct here

about as much as
you like Dillinger.

But you've gotta
give me a chance.

Other captains have
given you opportunities,

but your plan has failed.

Only because it never had
a chance to grow.

Somebody was always stepping
on my head, captain.

And I don't mean
the delinquents either.

You know what
the roadblock's been.

It's been the brass upstairs,
the big boys.

They think I'm a radical,
a little nuts.

Well, aren't you?

Why, because I think
that you can handle kids

without belting
their brains out?

Am I nuts because
I think that

in that bunch
of slobs out there,

there might be just
one worth saving? Just one?

Yeah, and while you're
trying to save that one,

the 99 others are
blowing up city hall!

Mike, your logic
is cockeyed.

The main thing to worry about
is the majority!

No, that's where
you're wrong, captain.

The real bad ones are losers.
You can't change them anyway.

But that one good one,

if given a chance,
can breed, multiply.

Now, if that happens,
every decent community benefits.

Damon, you are nuts.

I think.
Maybe so, captain...

but it wasn't too long ago
I was on the short end

of those 99-to-1 odds.

It took a policeman
to help me,

and I'd kind of like
to pay him back.

Okay, Mike, it's your skull.
I'll stay out of your way.

Thank you, sir!
For 30 days, that is.

Then if you don't come up
with something,

namely a saved soul,

you're liable to wind up
policing the library.

Yes, sir.

Yeah?

Ready for the show-up, captain.

Right.

Come on, Mike. Your guinea pigs
are ready for exposure.

Let's see if you and I can find
the one with the soulful eyes.

Wise punks. Tough punks.

You think you're getting away
with something.

Well, I'm gonna give you
a big, fat message...

You ain't getting away
with nothing.

We're hip to all of you,

and one of these days,

it's gonna be the long,
slow ride

up that dirty river.

Sing Sing,

where the nights are long,
cold and miserable,

where the food is slop

and every time you open
your filthy mouths,

the guards are gonna bust
every bone in your stupid,

crummy heads.

Sing Sing, with its
solitary confinement

and the
electric chair.

Wait a second.

I didn't do nothing.

I was just taking out
the garbage can.

I don't wanna go to the...
Please don't make me go...

I was just taking out
the garbage can.

I don't wanna go to the electric
chair, with the thing...

Oh, that's terrible.

Let me out, let me out.
I ain't gonna eat this slop.

I don't wanna go to jail.

What, for emptying
a garbage pail?

Please!
I'm too tall to die.

Help me out, Monk,
do something.

Shut up.

Okay, I won't say nothing.

Whatever you say, sarge,
I won't say a word.

Shut up!
I didn't even say a word.

Boy, if you ever tell me to shut
up, I keep my mouth shut.

What, am I gonna get
myself in trouble? Naa!

Tonight
you get a break.

It just happen this is
"be kind to rats" week.

We got orders to let you go.

But the next time,

it's gonna be that long,
slow ride.

Now, go on, get out of here,
all of you.

Crawl back in your holes.

Thanks a lot, sergeant.
Boy, I appreciate it, sergeant.

It's all right...
Thank you very much

for letting me go.

It's all right...

I didn't wanna go
to jail, sergeant.

Get him out of here!
You're a terrific cop.

Get him out!
Thank you very much, sergeant.

He's a wonderful sergeant,
this sergeant.

He's not gonna put me
in jail.

I was...
I'm not gonna...

I didn't wanna hang...

Well, did you find
your pigeon?

Well, I think it's pretty
obvious, isn't it, captain?

Him?!
Yeah, the grateful one.

What's his name?
Sidney.

Sidney what?

Pythias. He works as
an apprentice janitor

down the street.

Sidney Pythias?

Well, what's
the matter?

Well, what do you know
about that.

Mike Damon.

Sidney Pythias.
Damon and Pythias.

You remember your Greek
mythology, captain.

Look, I never
even passed algebra,

and I ain't interested
in mythology.

All I wanna know is
if you're really gonna

go to work
on that character.

Yes, sir, captain. Yes, sir,
I am, sir. Yes, sir.

Okay, Damon. Good luck.
Thank you, sir.

You'll need it!

Yes, sir.

Hey, Monk! Hey, fellas,
wait a second.

Let me explain, will you?

Sidney, why don't
you go away.

I just wanna explain.
You see, how it happened,

I was taking out
the garbage cans

and you gotta do that
because it brings ants.

Hey, Sidney?
Yeah?

Look.
Ooh!

Listen, you
unhinged dimbo,

why don't you stick
with your garbage

and mops and stay
away from me.

You're a
professional jinx.

Now, go home
and scare your tenants, huh?

Oh, hi, Mr. Kellin.
Could I help you?

Oh, no.
Never mind, Sidney.

Thank you very much.
Never mind.

Yeah, but I just thought...

Hi, Mr. Fox. Could I
give you a hand, sir?

Oh, no, thanks, Sidney.
Thank you just the same.

Some other time, maybe.

Hiya, Sidney.

Hey, you got a minute?
I'd like to talk to you.

Well, am I in trouble.

Waa!

What's going on here?

Oh...

Uh...

Sidney!
Yeah. Oh! Oooh...

What's going on up there?
Oh, nothing.

I was...
Hello, Mr. Herman.

What's going on up there?
I think it's an air raid.

Come here, Sidney.
Yes, sir.

What kind of a janitor
are you anyway?

Well, I'm not too sure...
There ain't no hot water.

No.
There ain't no cold water!

Well, I'm trying my best...

Six rooms, three baths,
$30 a month I pay,

and I can't get
no service!

Well, I'm awful sorry,
Mr. Herman...

What about the dumbwaiter?
Oh, what?

The dumbwaiter.
It don't work.

Well, I don't understand.
I fixed the dumbwaiter...

It don't work.
Get it fixed, you hear?

Yes, sir.
And fix the plumbing
and fix the heater!

No, sir.

What?!
How, sir?

Sidney!
I mean, yes, sir.

Sidney!
Yes, Herman Mister.
Sister Merman...

You making fun of me?

No, I'm not, Mr. Herman.
It's just that I'm all...

A guy ain't
got enough trouble,

a nothing like you
has to come along

and tell me what to do!

Now, wait a minute,
Mr. Herman.

Don't call me a nothing.
I don't like that.

Huh?

Well, I don't like that.
Oh.

I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry.

From now on, it'll be
Mr. Nothing!

I didn't mean to make you sore,
Mr. Herman, but...

Go on, get out of here!
Do something! Fix something!

Shoo!

"Go on, get out of here!
Fix something! Do something!

"Do something! Shoo!"
Hoo!

Hello, Sidney.

Hello.

How've you been?

Fine.

Will you empty this
for me?

Sure.

Thank you, Sidney.
Sure.

Mr. Crow?

Oo-hoo?

Mr. Crow?

And when you rock 'n' roll
and do that thing ¶

Brown dog, brown dog,
rock 'n' roll ¶

You're gonna brown dog rock it,
your brown dog's rolling ¶

You roll and you rock
and the brown dog too... ¶

Hello, Mr. Crow.

I hope you'll excuse me, sir,

but I was just playing
your broom.

That's my theremin!

Oh, well, I...
Your what?

Well, I suppose you came
in here to see it.

Oh, yes, that's
a very nice theremin.

Not that.

You know what I mean.
Huh?

Oh, you mean X-93?
Right! It's finished.

Where is it?

I'm so excited,
I can't wait to see it.

Oh!

Gee whiz, Mr. Crow,

I thought the X-93
was your new invention

to cure the common cold.

It came out
a little different.

What did it come out
a little different as?

What does it look like?

A spaceship?
Right! For frogs.

For frogs?
Did you ever stop to realize,

when the Earth
is destroyed,

all the people
will escape to the moon

in rocket ships?

What about
the poor little frogs?

How are they going
to get away?

Well, they...
I'll tell you how.

In my frog ship.

And the remarkable thing
about this is,

it holds 1 million frogs.

Did you hear what I said?
One million frogs!

Oh, that's terrific.

Even if I only charge them
$3 apiece, I'll be rich!

Well, that's
really wonderful.

Did you hear the phone?
Rich!

If only I didn't have
to pay the withholding.

Oh, that is a shame.
I want you to take this

and study it closely.

And when we start to build
the working model,

we'll work hand in hand.

Oh, well, I really...
Don't worry, I have another one.

Oh, well, I was...
Good luck, son!

Thank you very much, Mr. Crow,
and I'll take very good care

of this so that
the...

And I'll guard this,
and I can...

To the...
And all those frogs.

That's the best thing
you can make...

A whole lot
with...

With the little frogs,
Mr. Crow.

Rich! Do you hear? Rich!

Hiya, Sidney.

What do you got there,
a model airplane?

No, not exactly.
Can I look at it?

Sure.
Attaboy.

Well, it's, uh...
It's kind of bulky, isn't it?

Well, it should be.
It's got a million frogs in it.

Oh, well, that...
I beg your pardon?

Well, what I mean is,
it's not an ordinary spaceship.

It's for frogs.

Sure, Sidney, sure.

Well, no, let me explain. See,
when the world comes to an end,

how are the frogs gonna get
to the moon? In this.

That makes sense.

Yeah, and furthermore,
you can get these

in all the stores
all over the world.

Garages, butcher shops.

They'll make millions
of these things and...

Are you puzzled?

No, no.
Mm.

Hey, Sidney, wait a minute.

Can I talk to you a second?

Why? What do you wanna
talk to me about?

Well, uh... Look,
it's kind of personal.

Could we go
someplace private?

Why? I didn't do nothing.
Well, nobody said you did.

Come on, you got someplace
we can talk private-like?

Well, I got a lot of work to do.
Come on, Sidney.

It'll only take
a second, huh?

Huh?

Okay, come on.

Thank you.

Hey, this is very nice.

It is?
Yeah, yeah, your place,

you've got it
fixed up real nice.

You really like it?
Yeah, I sure do.

It's a little crowded,
but then...

Well, after all,
you are alone.

You ain't kidding.

Uh...

Pull up a chair,
kid, sit down.

Come on, pull up a chair.

Well, what do you...?
Come on.

Smoke?
No, I never do.

Well, that's good.

Sidney, my name
is Mike Damon.

How do you do,
Officer Damon?

No, no. Mike.

Hello, Officer Mike.

Sidney...

I, uh...

I wanna help you.
Oh?

Can you fix a dumbwaiter?

Mm. No, that isn't
what I had in mind.

Oh, what
about plumbing?

Because I have a stove that...
No, Sidney.

I'm not here to work
on the fixtures.

I'm here to work on you.

Work on me?

Why? I'm not out of order.

Say, what do you
really want anyhow?

No, don't even answer that.
I'm not interested.

Why don't you just
get out of here.

Sit down,
will you, kid?

Please?

I don't want anything, Sidney.
I just want to help you.

I don't need any help.
I'm doing fine.

Oh, you are, huh?

Well, I got a nice
place to live in.

You said yourself
it's pretty nice.

And I got lots
of friends.

Oh? Name two.
What?

Name two friends.

Well, there's um...

And another guy...

What's the difference?
I got lots of friends.

You mean, like Monk and Artie
and all those other creeps?

They're good guys.
They stink!

I hate them.

But you,
you're a good kid.

You're a nice kid.
Well, how do you know?

Well, I've been doing
a little checking on you.

I discovered you graduated
from high school.

I did? I mean,
yeah, I did.

And you also got
pretty good marks too.

Yeah, as a matter
of fact, I did.

And you know what,
especially in manual training.

I was very good
in that.

Wood. You can ask
me any question

in the world about wood.

I know about wood.
Wood, I know about.

Would you like
to see something

I made in wood?
It's a backscratcher.

It's very good.
Made in wood.

It's the wrong side.

This side.

It's wood.

How do you make it...?

Oh. Oh, this?
It's very simple. Watch.

I made it up myself.

That's very good.
Thank you.

Yeah. Uh...

Now, where were we?

Oh, we were talking
about my backscratcher.

No, no, we were
talking about you.

I also discovered that you tried
to enlist in the Army, right?

Oh, yeah. And the Navy and
the Coast Guard and the Marines,

but they all
turned me down.

Why? What happened?

Well, they thought
I was a little nutty.

Something about
my temperament.

Psychologically unfit, huh?
No, my lungs were fine.

They just thought
I was a little nutty.

But I don't really care,

because I couldn't have been
what I wanted to be anyhow.

What did you wanna be?

Oh, a lot of things.

For example?
I'm thirsty.

You would like some seltzer?
Seltzer?

Yeah.

That's the phone.
Excuse me.

- Hello?
- Is Zelda there?

No. No, she is not.

Look, pal, don't give me that.

I know she's there,
and I wanna talk to her!

Look, mister, please excuse me
for being unkind,

but I told you three
or four times already,

there is no Zelda here.

Not now, ever or at no time.
There's no Zelda, all right?

Now, will you please
put her on?

Not here, ever... That...

Guy keeps calling up and asking
for Zelda, Zelda...

There's never been a Zelda here.
I don't know no Zelda

except a parakeet,
I know Zelda, but not this...

Now, where were we?
That's a good question.

I was gonna get
you some seltzer.

No, that's all right.

Excuse me. Oh, nice kitty.

Oowee.

Why are you staring?

Oh, the bottle opener.
I forgot it.

Never mind, Sidney.

Well, it'll only take a second.
No.

You don't want the seltzer?
No.

Well, let me explain.

It'll take a second
and I'll get the opener...

No, kid, I'm getting airsick.

Yeah, but look,
if you want the seltzer...

No!

Well, you wanted...
No, thanks!

Well, I won't coax you.
Whatever you say.

Now, look, kid...

Oh, that's my phone.
Excuse me.

Don't start that again!

Listen to me, will you?
I wanna talk to Zelda!

Will you listen to me,
please, sir?

You call up here and you keep
asking for Zelda.

Well, there is no Zelda!

And it just so happens that
the parakeet is a girl.

The girl is a bird,
and Zelda's... I...

There's no Zelda,
because if it was a bird,

you couldn't get it.
A parrot...

Look, pal...

There's no one here
at that name.

Zelda...
Put her on!

I keep telling you that
there is no one here that name.

And you call,
and it's a wrong number!

That's all.
You got a wrong number.

Look, kid, come here.
Come here!

Look, I wanna see
you tonight.

What, am I under arrest?
No, no!

What, are you gonna
lock me up?

No, of course not.

Well, you're holding...

I'm sorry.

No, I thought maybe we could
have dinner together

over at my place.

I cook a great steak.

I thought we could
sit around,

play a little gin, maybe watch
some TV or something.

Get to know
each other.

Well, what do you say?

Well, I don't understand,
you know? I mean, why me?

You know,
I don't understand.

What did you pick on me
to buddy up with for, you know?

Well, to be perfectly honest
with you, kid,

I'm kind of new
in the neighborhood here

and I don't
have many friends.

I thought I could break
the ice with you.

Oh.

Well, um...

Thanks for the invitation,

but, uh, I got
a date tonight, see.

Yeah.

Sure. I should
have known better.

I should have known
that a guy like you'd be

all booked up ahead of time,
social-wise.

Well, yeah, you know,
like I said before,

I got a lot of friends,
and I'm...

I'm very busy, you know.

Yeah. Well,
maybe next time, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks a lot, kid.
Okay.

Say, um...
Yeah?

Excuse me...

Do you really have a TV?
21-inch screen.

There's great fights on tonight.

Well, I'll try
and break my date.

Oh, that'd be great
if you could, kid.

Yeah, but I'm not making
any promises.

You know, I don't like
to break engagements.

Yeah, well, if you can.
If I can.

I live at the Halifax
Apartments.

See you around 7?

If I can.
Yeah, if you can.

How do you
like your steaks?

Rare, when I get one.

Hello.

I'm not gonna
tell you again.

I know she's there.
And when I come over,

I'm gonna give you such a shot.

I know the girl's there.
I happen to be engaged to her.

Now, see, the...

Oof!

And once I find out
you've been bothering her,

believe me, I'm not gonna
fool around, buddy.

I know the address.
I'm coming over and...

Ask her to call Freddie...

Officer Damon's late.

He's out on an assignment,
Miss Henshaw.

I have many things to do,
Captain Riley.

I'm not used
to being kept waiting.

- Yeah?
- Officer Damon is here.

Send him in.

Your target has just arrived.
Oh, good.

Good morning, captain.

You sent for me?
Yes, I did.

This is Miss Martha Henshaw.
Officer Damon.

Well, how do you do?
How do you do?

Miss Henshaw represents
the City Council.

I repeat, the City Council.

Oh!
She has been employed to...

Investigate
the deplorable situation

in this
and other neighborhoods

that are the breeding grounds
for the vast majority

of our local crimes.

Oh, that's great.
That's just wonderful.

Well, how can I fit in?

Officer Damon,

from here on in, you are to work
hand in hand with Miss Henshaw.

Well, you... Are you serious?
Yes.

Now, look, captain,
you know I work alone.

I can't have some dame...
Some dame?

I got my own system, captain,
you know that.

Up to this point,
your system seems to have been

one long series
of utter failures.

Well, that's all
a thing of the past.

But from now on, I know
I'm gonna get some results.

Our City Council has grown weary
of incompetence, Officer Damon,

and is quite convinced
your methods of pampering

these young hoodlums
are a complete waste

of the taxpayers' money.

You talk like
a drunken first sergeant.

What do you
want me to do,

go out and beat
those kids silly?

Of course not.
I abhor cruelty of any kind.

But I firmly believe discipline,
well-proportioned,

will bring far better results
with these young hoodlums

than sugarcoated
encouragement.

Boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy.

You must've been a lot
of laughs in a parked car.

What'd you say?
But, captain...

Apologize to this lady.
Now!

I'm sorry.
This is an order.

From here on in,
you are to work with,

not against,
Miss Henshaw.

Is that clear?
Yes, sir.

And now,
if you'll both excuse me,

I have some
minor affairs

concerning murder and robbery
to look into.

Sit down,
Officer Damon.

Sit down.

Yes, sir.

Now, first of all,

I'd like to meet
a typical juvenile delinquent.

Okay. Go out
and find yourself one.

Me?
Mm-hmm.

I thought you'd
supply me with one.

Oh, no, no, no, no, honey.
I got mine.

Matter of fact, he's having
dinner with me tonight.

Say, I got a fine idea.

You go out and find your boy,

meet me at my place,
we'll all sit around

and bite each other, huh?

Where do I start
to look?

How about the Four-H Club?

Very well, Mr. Damon,
I shall find my delinquent.

It should be
very interesting

seeing your methods
compared to mine.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Meet me at my place
about 7:00, huh?

Or are you a little
shaky about visiting

a man's apartment, sarge?

Mr. Damon, the man
has not been created

who frightens
Martha Henshaw.

Hey, who won
the ball games today?

I don't know.
Who cares?

Hey there.

What a way to go.

That reminds me of this beast
I met in Cleveland one time.

Wow, was this chick out.
She invited me up to her place,

and, like, man, I didn't know
what was gonna happen, so...

Young man.
Yeah, baby?

I was wondering if perhaps
you aren't busy tonight,

if you might...

Busy? What's on your mind, baby?

Never mind,
never mind.

I hope you're not as uncouth
as your friend.

Me, uncouth? Not me, baby.
Say, what's bugging you?

Well, as I mentioned before,
if you're not busy,

I'd like...

I'm with you, chickie.
Let's swing.

Let me go!

What's the matter,
baby?

What, are you
cracking up?

What a punchy
broad that is.

Full of stifled
emotions.

Let's get
out of here.

Hiya, Sidney.
Oh, hi, Officer Casey.

Need any help?
No, thanks, I'm doing fine.

Okay, kid.
See you later.

Right. Nice seeing you,
officer.

Hey, Sidney.

Hi. Hi, fellas.

How are you?
Nice day, huh?

I mean, nice day
for hanging around.

What do you say
we all hang around?

Sure been friendly with
the cops lately, ain't you, kid?

Yeah, no. Oh, me? No.
Cops, friends?

Oh, no. I hate them, Monk.

You do, huh?
Yeah.

Then what was that fink cop
doing visiting you this morning?

Me?

Oh, I don't remember.

What, was he gassing
you about last night?

Oh, him? Oh, no,
he had the wrong room.

Wrong room?
Yeah.

You're lying.

Don't ever hit me
like that, Artie.

Why not?

What are you gonna
do about it? Huh?

What are you gonna
do about it?

Nothing now.
Ah-ah!

Thank you.
Let me have him.

Sidney, you better learn
to keep your big,

fat mouth shut.

You understand?
Yeah, I understand.

Hey, come on, you guys,
let him alone.

He didn't do anything.

Don't rough him up.
No, I didn't do nothing.

Hey, Sidney.
Yeah?

I think I wanna give
you a little gift.

Oh, really?
What is it?

This.
Oh.

Go on.
No.

Take it.
But I don't...

Keep it.
No...

It's yours.
Oh, thanks very much.

That's nice.
Now, you keep it, kid,

as a sort of
a reminder.

When you get too pally with
that shamus friend of yours,

remember,
one of these days,

I'm liable to ask
for my little gift back.

And you know what you're
gonna do, Sidney?
Uh-uh.

You're gonna give
it to me...

just so I can chop
you up a touch.

Now, isn't that nice, Sidney?
It's very nice.

Let's get out of here.

I'm flipping.

Eew. Yuck. Kkkrr.

Stand back, baby...

or you're gonna
get some of this.

Stay away, baby,
I'm flipping.

Back up, honey,
you're pressing your luck.

You're gonna get one
of these in your...

Back up, baby, I'm warning you,
you'll get one of these.

Mao, mao, mao!

Young man, I'm your friend.

You are?
Please give me the knife.

What's your name?
Martha.

Oh, Martha.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
in a second.

Okay.

Hiya, kid...
Good evening.

Well, the pride of
the City Council. Come on in.

What's the matter,
my colors clash?

I was looking
for your delinquent.

Oh, he'll be along
pretty soon.

I see you showed up
empty-handed, though.

Oh, far from it.

I've found myself
the perfect example

of what delinquency
represents.

Oh, you brought
your father.

All right, young man,
you may enter.

I'm cutting and killing,
killing and cutting,

anything that gets in my way.

Oh-hoo. Hello.
Oh, you two know each other?

No. No, no.
Oh, no. No.

This is your example
of typical juvenile delinquency?

Correct.

A confused, unbalanced young man
with only one thought in mind:

Self-destruction.

Hey, Sidney, you wanna
help me with the salad?

Yeah, is the dressing ready?
I got some oil and vinegar.

But I don't understand.

He came after me with a knife.
He tried to kill me.

Who, me, baby?
Sidney here?

Sidney wouldn't even cut
an orange, would you, boy?

No, I wouldn't.

Young man, you made
a fool of me.

Who, me, chickie?
Why, I was just standing...

He was trying to help,
weren't you?

Yes, that's right.

And he's not really a delinquent
at all. Are you, boy?

You're a mean, miserable,
horrible young man.

Hey, wait a minute.
Now, wait, calm down.

Where's your
sense of humor?

We were just ribbing
you a little bit.

I fail to see the humor
of a situation like this.

Well, actually,
you're right.

There is no joke,
and Sidney does need help.

Matter of fact, he was gonna
be my guest here tonight.

I got a fine idea. Why don't
the two of us work together

and give him
the helping hand he needs.

What do you say,
Martha?

I prefer to be referred
to as Miss Henshaw.

Oooh.

Well, anything you say,
Martha.

Now, let's chip in and help
this boy out together.

I can assure you,
Mr. Damon,

I'm quite capable of handling
the situation alone.

Yeah, well,
maybe you're right.

Come on, Sidney, over here,
and sit down in the big chair.

After you,
Miss Henshaw.

You don't mind if
I watch, do you?

Oh, of course not.
Good.

This feels like when
they shrink your head.

Maybe I should lie down.

Oh, that won't
be necessary.

Now, first I'd like
to ask you a series

of pertinent questions
about your past.

Yes, ma'am.
Tell me about your youth,

your likes and, most important,
your dislikes and hatreds.

I never hated anybody.
You're lying.

Well, I did hate Herman Zillman.
Why?

Oh, because he spit on me.
Why?

Because I kicked him.
Why did you kick him?

Because he spit on me.
You can't knock that.

Did you hate school?
Only during the summer.

There's no school
during the summer.

You sure?

Sidney, I won't have you
ridiculing me.

If you don't want
my assistance...

Oh, he wants your help.
Don't you, Sidney?

Oh, yes, I do.
Go ahead, help me.

Oh, this
is ridiculous.

I can't offer him any help
under these conditions.

No, no, no.
Wrong approach, Martha.

Watch.

Sidney, suppose...

I mean, just suppose
that you had your choice

of being anything
in the world.

Now, what would
you rather be?

Gosh, I really don't know.
Well, make up your mind. Think.

I said, I don't know.

Give it a thought,
Sidney, huh?

A plumber, a mailman,
a truck driver?

No.
Mechanic, maybe? An engineer?

How much education
have you had?

Four years high school.
I was talking to Sidney.

You mean you were
yelling at him,

and I'm getting just
a little tired of it.

I can do without
your criticism, Mr. Damon.

You can do with any
and all criticism.

You're just about as subtle
as a flamethrower.

I'll thank you to keep
your comments to yourself.

I'll thank you not
to yell at the boy.

Wait a minute...
Shut up, Sidney!

Now, I'm sick and tired
of your attitude.

You're sick and tired?
You've done...

Where are you going?
Hey, wait a minute, boy.

I'm going home.
Hey, now, wait a minute.

Well, I just realized
the two of you

are making
a fool of me.

No, believe me, nobody's trying
to make a fool...

Yeah, it's true.
You're making a fool of me.

Because you two think
I'm a freak or something.

Or a guinea pig,

and I figure if I sit here
long enough,

you're gonna wind up
sticking pins in me.

Well, I don't like it.
I don't like it at all.

And if you'll be good enough
to excuse me, I'm going home.

Now, wait a minute, Sid.
I'm going home.

Well, are you satisfied now,
Miss Big Plans?

One moment, Mr. Damon...
One moment, my foot.

You come in here sticking your
pretty, little, well-formed nose

into something that you know
absolutely nothing about.

Mr. Damon, if you'll just...
Shut up!

How would you know
how to handle a kid like that?

You, with your fat mink stoles
and your back-to-back Chryslers.

That poor bum is me,
ten years ago.

I know what makes him tick
and I know what makes him sick.

You gotta eat dirt before
you can analyze it, sweets,

and I think that quickly
eliminates you.

Now, pick up your diploma
and head back

to Park Avenue,
where you belong.

And if you've got any ideas
about helping people,

start in on your own parents.

From the looks of you,
they certainly need help.

I can assure you
Captain Riley

will be interested
in this situation.

Good, tell him. Tell him.
Tell him anything you want!

Only, stay away
from Sidney.

Oh, uh...

There's beer in the icebox.

I don't think you'd like it,
though. It's domestic.

I'll go my way ¶

By myself ¶

Like walking under a cloud ¶

I'll go my way ¶

By myself ¶

All alone in a crowd ¶

I'll try to apply myself ¶

And teach my heart how to sing ¶

I'll go my way by myself ¶

Like a bird on the wing ¶

I'll face the unknown ¶

I'll build a world of my own ¶

No one knows better ¶

Than I myself ¶

I'm by myself ¶

Alone ¶

- Sidney, come up here instantly.
- We have work to do.

Okay, Mr. Crow,
I'll be right there.

I got it. I got it, Mr. Crow.
Got what?

The model restroom for the frogs
in the spaceship.

Oh, will those little frogs
be happy.

What frogs?

The frogs that are going
to the moon

when the Earth
is destroyed.

They're going
into the spaceship,

$3 a head, remember?
The spaceship.

What spaceship?

The spaceship that we're
building here for the frogs

for when the world
comes to an end.

The frogs are gonna
go up to the moon

in the spaceship,
these...

And they're gonna fly
when no one takes...

"What frogs"?!

Sidney, you keep babbling
about frogs and spaceships.

We're working on a cure
for the common cold. Look.

At last, a "thinnening"
cough drop.

Noncaloric, nonfattening
and perfect for skin blemishes.

We'll be millionaires.

I thought we were...

I don't feel very good.

You do look a little pale.

And you have been working
all night, you know.

I just got here, Mr. Crow.

You better go to your room,
lie down, take a nap.

Later on, we'll work
on my frog ship.

It has to be finished quickly,
you know.

Yes, sir. Well,
whatever you say, Mr. Crow.

Good boy, Sidney.

You are a hard worker.

And I couldn't be more pleased
to make you rich.

Oh. Well, thank you very much,
Mr. Crow.

Rich!
Yes, well...

If you don't mind,
I'll go to my room and lie down

so that the spaceship
will never, ever have

any expedience
on the frogs.

Thank you... Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Crow.

I almost knocked
your glasses off.

Thank you.

Whoo! Ooh!

Oh!

Hi, Sidney.

Hello.

How've you been?

Oh, just fine.

I was wondering if...
Yes, ma'am.

I was wondering...

...if you'd empty
this for me.

Yeah, I'd be glad to.

Oh, uh...
Yes, Sidney?

I just thought...
Yes?

Oh, that is, I was...
Yes?

Would you like a new lining
in this basket?

I'd appreciate it very much.
Okay.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi, Sidney.

Hello.

I've been sitting here
waiting for you.

I have nothing
to talk to you about, officer.

Now, wait a minute, kid,
wait a minute.

You got a lot of reasons
to be sore, boy, but not at me.

I told you,
I don't wanna talk about it.

I tell you, I had nothing to do
with the way that dame acted.

Didn't you take me up there
to put me under glass?

No. No, I don't think
you're a specimen,

if that's what you mean.

But if you do mean did I bring
you up there to help you,

yeah, you're right.

Help me? Well, you certainly
didn't show it.

Look, kid, I can only help you
if you wanna be helped.

You keep fighting me,
why,

we're gonna end up
in a stalemate.

Me fighting you?
Yeah.

Mike, you came to me.
I didn't come to you, you know.

You're the guy that's telling me
I'm gonna this and that and...

And you get me all mixed-up
and all confused.

I don't know.

How does a guy know
what he wants to be,

especially someone like me?

Well, kid, the...

The first thing is
to find out what you are.

What am I?

That's a very good question.

But the answer
ain't very nice.

I'll tell you what I am.

I'm a nowhere...

And that's the worst
kind of something there is.

I could never, ever be
anything I wanted to be.

Because when I tried
to be bad,

I was good.

When I tried to be good,
I was stupid.

Even when I was a kid.

When I was a kid,
I was dumb.

When I was a boy,

I was jerky.

And now...

now I'm a man.

And I'm empty.

Well, that about adds it up.

Except for two very important
things I know about myself.

One,

I'm nothing.

Two,

I sure would like to be
something.

Sidney.

Kid, you name it,
and I'll help you be it.

You promise?

I promise.

Okay, I know what I wanna be.
Yeah?

I wanna be somebody
that helps other people.

Good, that's good thinking.

I wanna be looked up to
and respected.

You will be.

I wanna be a cop.
You wanna be a...?

You wanna be a cop?

I wanna be a police
officer like you.

Now, wait a minute, Sidney,
you can't be a...

Uh-huh.
No, I mean...

Yeah, just like I thought,
you're not interested.

No, no, I didn't say that.
That's not what I meant.

No, you're like
everybody else.

You think I'm stupid.
No, no, I don't.

Well, let me tell
you something.

I'm gonna be something
if it kills me.

Look, boy, it's not
easy being a cop.

What does it
cost me to try?

The pay stinks.
The hours are worse.

It's a rough, tough,
thankless job.

You don't
wanna be a cop.

Yes, I do.

Okay, kid.

I'm gonna make you a cop.

I'm gonna make you the best
doggone cop in this town.

Honest to goodness?
Honest to goodness.

That's wonderful. Come on,
let's go get a badge.

No, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, boy.

There's a few things
we gotta do first.

Yeah, like what?

Well, now, we gotta got you
enrolled in the police academy.

Well, that sounds
like fun.

Fun, yeah. Well,
if you can call

13 weeks
of backbreaking work

and brain-busting
examinations fun,

well, that's it.
Well, don't worry about me.

I can do anything I have to do.
I can do anything I wanna do.

Now, how do I get into
this here academy?

Well, first you gotta be
recommended by a police officer.

Oh, well, that would
be you, right?

Yeah, that'd be me.

And then what's
the next step?

Well, then the recommendation
has to be okay'd

by the precinct captain.

Well, that would
be Captain Riley.
Mm-hm.

Well, he likes you,
doesn't he?

Oh, sure,
he's crazy about me.

Yeah,
especially now.

Then what do we got
to worry about?

Sidney Pythias
a police officer?

Are you out of your mind?

But, captain...
Be quiet.

You wanna take
this half-baked, dimwitted...

He's not half-baked
and he's not dimwitted.

He's just a little... shy.
Shy?

This creep ought to have
his own revolving door.

Well, I can see
it's no use arguing with you

after what that
Henshaw dame told you.

Yeah, and if it wasn't
for that Henshaw dame,

and you came in here
with that stupid suggestion,

I'd hit you over your silly head
with that inkstand.

What are you
talking about?

Martha Henshaw
just left here.

She told me that
in her opinion,

you were best qualified
to handle so-called

delinquents
like Sidney.

She said
she wouldn't interfere.

Yeah?

She said that?
Yeah.

Well, what do you know.

But as far as making Sidney
Pythias a police officer,

don't you think that's pushing
things a little too hard?

Captain, I promise you
he can do it.

And I promise you

that in 24 hours,

the police academy
will be burned to the ground.

No, I won't okay it.

Is that final, sir?

That's final.

Yes, sir.

Final.

Mike.
Yes, sir?

Do you really think...?
Captain,

he's honest,
he's got guts

and he's a decent
human being.

Captain...

Captain, I'm begging you.

All right.

I'll okay it.

But get this.

He's your responsibility,

first, last and always.
Yes, sir.

And if anything
goes wrong...

No, no, sir, nothing
will go wrong,

captain, nothing will
go wrong, I promise you.

Nothing, I promise.

Nothing.

Gentlemen, we're in trouble.

Terrible, terrible trouble.

All right, now, do you
understand?

Yeah, perfectly.
I understand that.

Okay, what's next?
Well, this here.

What's that, what's that?

That's your application
for the police academy.

What's it say, what's it say?
There's a lot of questions.

For example, for example?
Well, there's...

You have to repeat
everything twice?

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Now, let's get down to...

Hey, how about
that Martha Henshaw

turning out to be
a right chick, huh?

Yeah, that's terrific.
You can't knock a girl like her.

No.
She's honest and pretty,

beautiful, intelligent.
Lovely girl.
Oh...

You know,
and she could really have

fouled me up
with Captain Riley.

But she didn't. She turned
around and made me a big man.

Oh, that's really terrific.

Yes, sir!
Now, the appli...

Hey, you sort of
like her, huh?

Fair.
Uh-huh. Fair. Yeah, well,

I think you like her
a little better than a lot.

As a matter of fact,
I think that's all

you got on your
mind right now.

No, you're crazy. The only thing
I got on my mind right now

is trying to get you
into the police academy.

Ha, ha, ha...
Ha, ha, ha.

Come on, now, Martha,
let's get this thing filled out.

Well, whatever you say,
Harriet.

You know, I was talking
to Hilda on the phone Sunday,

and she said that there
was no chance of us...

Let's get to
the application, then.

Yeah, let's get to these
requirements.
Yeah.

You're an American citizen,
right?
Right.

Right. 21 years of age
or over, right?
Right.

Right. Sound of body?
Right.

Right. Sound of mind?

Could we go back to
that question a little later?

I'd like to check on it.

Oh-oh. Here's one.
Where, where?

Here, here.

They prefer that
you speak a smattering

of a foreign language.
Why?

Well, suppose
you're put on duty

in a neighborhood where they
only spoke a foreign language.

Oh, you mean
like Brooklyn?

Well, that makes sense. I can
speak a smattering of Mongolian.

Oh, yeah?
You wanna hear?

Yeah.

You're kidding.
Would I lie to you?

Yeah, well, that's all
very well, but look,

you've gotta speak
a normal foreign language.

Well, in high school,
I took four years of French.

Yeah?
You wanna hear some?

Yeah.

No.

No.

All right, Sidney.
Come on, now,

we're wasting time.
We've got things to do here.

What's this?
What's what?

This.
This?

Well, this is part
of your entrance exam.

I borrowed it
from the police academy

so you could get
used to it.

Oh, well, what's it do?
Oh, well, here.

There we go.
Oh, I know what that is.

Yeah, what is it?
I don't know what that is.

It's a test designed
to test your reflexes

and your reactions.

See, now, you take out all
these little blocks here,

you mix them up
all real good, see?

Then, in a given length
of time, you take it back

and you put the octagonal
in the octagonal hole,

the round one
in the round hole.

Simple, huh?
You did very well.

Thank you.
Okay, what's next?

No, no, Sidney, no.
I want you to work the blocks.

Oh, no, wait a minute,
that's for kids.

Come on, try it.

No, but I...
Please.

But I...
Now!

Okay. I feel a little silly,
though, because kids do this,

you know, and it's so simple.
Out. Out.

All of them?
Yeah. All of them.

All right, now...?
All right.

Now!
Okay.

How much time have
I got to do this?

This... Here,
I'll put this...

They don't fit good
like when yours... Was.

You mustn't get mad,
though, when...

They don't fit as good.

Well, the kids I saw
were larger kids, maybe.

You can just throw
it right in it.

How did yours fit in
so nice when you...?

It's hard
to do this part.

It don't work good
with me.

This...
Maybe...

You get awfully frustrated
when they don't...

Maybe the kids were using
different kinds of blocks.

Ohhh-ho-ho-ho!

I hurt it a little.

Well, how was the time?

I mean, I threw one away
when I was... And I...

You see, I...
But I...

What if I didn't...?
You can't close the box?

But I... I mean, it fell
into place like...

How was it, then?

All right, now,
come on,

let's get this application
filled out.

Come in.
Anybody home?

Well, look who's here.
Hello, Sidney.

Hello, Miss Henshaw.
Just a minute.

Oh, thank you.

Hello.
Hi!

I mean, how are you?
Oh, just fine.

I stopped by to apologize
to both of you.

I acted quite childish.

Oh, no, no, it's me
who should apologize.

I talked with
Captain Riley and...

I mean, thanks
for those kind words.

Well, I know
you boys are busy.

No, no, we're not!
Oh, yes, we are. You see,

I'm practicing
and rehearsing because

I'm going
into the police academy.

Captain Riley told me.
Good luck, Sidney.

I know you'll pass.
Thank you very much.

Well, I do have a date.
I should be...

Well, uh, uh...

Well, can't you
stick around a while?

How can she?
We got a lot of work to do.

I gotta learn
about the application

and putting the blocks,

and you gotta teach me...
Although I know it,

so you don't have
to teach me nothing.

Why don't you take
Miss Henshaw home

and I'll stay here
and I'll work on this.

Oh, Sidney, that won't be
necessary. I can take a cab.

No, no, I insist!
He insists.

Uh, yeah. Come on.

Oh, excuse me a minute.
Sidney, come here.

Look, I want you to
study this application,

then fill out the questions
very thoroughly.

I'll check with you
when I get off work.

All right?
All right. Oh, listen.

You don't like her
at all, right?

No.
No.

Hee-gee.

Goodbye, Sidney.
Goodbye, Miss Henshaw.

Bye, kid.

I'll lick you yet!

This goes in here,
whether he likes it or not,

and that'll fit there.

But it don't fit,
so I won't do that one.

I'll put this one here
and that one there.

Good morning, officer.

Good evening,
officer.

How do you do, officer?

Oh...

All right, hold it there.

Come along, children.
Children, come along.

Hold it.
Good morning, honey.

Good afternoon, madam.

Can I help you with your car?

Sidney!
Oh, just a minute.

Uh...

One second.

Sidney!

Oh, hello, Mr. Herman.
What are you doing?

Well, I'm just playing a game.
Forget about the games.

What about the lights?
What about the heat?

What about the dumbwaiter?
Well, I fixed the dumbwaiter.

You fixed it?
Well, yeah.

Well, it don't work!
Well, I don't understand that.

I fixed it.
I'll show you, Mr. Herman.

I don't understand at all,

because I worked very
hard on this thing.

I worked and worked to
make sure that it was... I...

So you fixed it, huh?
Yeah, well, I thought...

Get out of there! I'll fix this
thing once and for all myself.

Be careful
of your head, Mr. Herman.

Get me a flashlight!
Yeah, but I'd like to...

Shut up and get me
a flashlight!

Yes, I will.

I really don't
understand this at all.

I fixed it. And you
better be careful

that you don't
hurt yourself.

Your whole place can get...
From in there.

Ahh!

Sidney!

Hello.

I said, hello. I think.

Goodbye.
Sidney.

Yeah?

Sidney, am I unattractive?
Oh, no, ma'am.

Am I old, decrepit, witchlike?

Oh, no.
Then why in the world

do you constantly
ignore me?

I'm a young woman, 21 years old,
and whether you know it or not,

quite in demand by young men who
would just love to take me out.

I know that.
I know that.

I know you're
in constant demand.

I know a lot about you.

I know you're 21 years of age
and you were born in Albany,

you're studying to be a nurse.
I know all that.

You're very young,
you're very pretty,

you're very much in demand with
other fellas and you smell nice.

Well, then why in the world...?
Why in the world?

Because I'm nothing.

You don't deserve
to be with that, a nothing.

You wait till
it's something, me.

When I'm something,
then I'll talk to you.

I don't think you should be
with nothing. That's it, see?

And I'll be something.

And until then,
there's no hugging.

Or kissing and things...
With smelling nice.

I'll be somebody and when I'm
somebody, then it'll be right.

But I'm not now, so it's no good
at all to be with you.

And when I'm somebody,

and it'll be sooner
than you think,

sooner than a lot of people
think, I'll be something,

then I'll talk to you
and all that.

I'll empty your
wastebasket.

You smell nice.

Dropped a few
of those things...

Mm.

Is this it?
This is it, kid.

Well, Mike,

I'm gonna go and pass
my entrance examinations

with flying colors.

You can do it, kid.
I can do it, kid.

You can do it as well
as anybody else, Sidney.

I can do it as well
as anybody else, Sidney.

You're gonna be
a police officer.

I'm going home.
You're gonna stay right here.

Well, I'm scared, Mike.

Now, look, Sidney,
after you pass

your entrance
examinations,

you're over
the first big hurdle.

Yeah, I know,
but I'm still scared.

I'd like you to be with me.
Maybe you could help me.

That's another thing,
now, Sidney.

Remember,
I'm a police officer.

As far as you're concerned,

I've gotta take a completely
unbiased attitude.

But after work at night,
I'll help you out a little.

Oh, good. Thanks a lot, Mike.
Good luck, kid.

Thank you.
Goodbye.

So long.

Next.
Yes, sir.

Name?
William C. Goerner, sir.

Goerner. Your temporary
serial number is 016439712.

You got that?

Yes, sir. My temporary serial
number is 016439712.

All right. You fill out
this entrance examination,

answering all required
questions.

Then proceed immediately to be
graded, third floor, Room 305,

by Sergeant Rose,

after which you'll report
to section nine,

personal analysis,
B Unit, Sergeant Brown.

Is that clear?
Yes, sir.

I fill out the entrance
examination,

answering all required
questions.

I then proceed immediately to be
graded, third floor, Room 305,

Sergeant Rose. I then report
to section nine,

personal analysis, Unit B,
Sergeant Brown.

Right.

Next.

Yes, sir.
Name?

Pythias.
Sidney L. Pythias.

Uh... Pintin...
Peentakiss.

No, sir, I beg your pardon,
that's Pythias.

P-Y-T-H-I-A-S, Pythias.

That's what I said.
"Pinktinius."

No, there's no "pink."

No, it's a "Pyth."

P-Y-T-H-I-A-S is Pythias.
There's no "pink" in it.

All right, Poontangginius,
your temporary...

Where'd you get
"Poontangginius"? No.

No, there's no "poontan" in it.

There's no "pink"
and there's not even...

It's plain "Pyth."
P-Y-T-H-I-A-S, Pythias.

Your temporary serial
number is 016439713.

You got that?
There's no "poontan" in it.

No, you said "Poontanggini."
I said...

No. Just a second,
please excuse me.

It's not "Poontanahah,"
it's Pythias. Pyth... Excuse me.

It's Pyth... P-Y...
P-Y-T-H-I-A-S.

It's Pythias, Sidney.

I am not interested
in your name.

Did you get
that serial number?

Oh, that... My serial number?
Yeah, 0 and 2 was there...

Was...?
Never mind. Never mind.

It's written on
the application anyway.

So I don't need it, do I?

All right, you're section five,
so you'll go to Room 619,

sixth floor, Unit B
and ask for Sergeant Mizakowski.

He'll give you an AMR number
and assign you.

Now, you got that straight?

Yes, sir. I go up to the floor

and it's Room 69.

And there's a Sergeant Misan,

and he'll give me
an A and P number.

Six-nineteen. Room...

Now you got me mixed up.
619. I got it now.

Look, it's Mizakowski,
Sergeant...

I got it now.
Sergeant Mizandhidin.

Sergeant Mizakowski.

No, Pythias.
P-Y-T-H-I-A-S is my name.

I thought I was
Mizankouzin. See?

Now, just listen
to me, mister.

Yes, sir. Yes.

Just get up there.
Get up there. Where, sir?

Anywhere. I don't care,
anywhere, ad-lib it,

do anything,
but get out of here!

Yes, I will.
Do I get my papers?

Mizanhausen is
on the sixth place

with the 19th...
Very difficult.

Next.
Yes, sir.

Name?
Mizakowski.

Chester A. Mizakowski.

How would you like a punch
in the mouth?

Say, is this
where they told me?

They said to come
to the room.

This here?

Are you Sergeant Mizenkozen?

This is your first step
in the examination,

and you've got 30 seconds
to do it in.

Oh, the box. Oh, this is the box
with the squares and the...

The rectangulars
and "octagoganals."

I worked with that.

This is a snap, 30 seconds
to do... It's a different box.

Left... hut!

Right face!

Parade front!

Left face!

One step forward!
March!

Left face!

Forward march!

Hut, hut.

Rear march!

Rear march!

Rear march!
Rear march!

Rear march!

Halt!

First of all, be sure
the ink is distributed

thinly and evenly
on the glass plate.

Then taking the hand,

firmly take the thumb,

or whatever finger
you would use,

roll it on the glass plate
from left to right.

Then transfer in the same
manner to the record.

Now, we'll try it
with you first.

All right?
Well...

You'd rather have this hand?
Yeah, I'm nervous.

It doesn't make
any difference.

The chart has for both hands,
right and left.

Yeah, but I...
Now, just relax.

Yeah.
Just relax. That's it.

I never been
fingerprinted before.

Don't worry about it.
Doesn't hurt.

Now, just relax.
Now, we'll put it right here...

I'm sorry, sir, but you see,
I'm nervous.

Pythias, I said
to relax.

Yes, I will.
Just relax your hand.

All right.
Relax it. All right, now.

Relax your hand.
Well, I'm trying,

but I'm nervous.
I'll tell you what we'll do.

We will now ink the tips
of the four fingers

and transfer them
in the same manner.

All right? Now, relax.
Just relax. That's it.

Well, it's just that
I was nervous, you see.

There's nothing...
Well, don't get mad,

because I was just gonna
say that I'm nervous...

I didn't mean...
Well, you see...

What I meant to say
was that because of this...

Wipe it off.
Wipe it off?

Yes.
Ooh.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, sir,
but I'm nervous, you s...

Well, a little will help it,
I think.

Wipe it off.

Yes, sir. I'm awfully
sorry about...

Maybe I got a different
rag to get it.

Today we're covering one
of the most important

Self-defense.

We're very fortunate today in
having with us the Great Togo.

He has graciously consented to
give us an actual demonstration

in the art
of sumo wrestling.

How do you do, Mr. Togo?
Konnichi wa.

Yeah, konnichi wa.

Now, then, how would
you like to proceed?

Doyu hoho o tottara
ii deshoka?

Kono naka kara dareka
hitori erandara dodeshoka ne?

He would like
to pick his opponent.

Oh, well, fine! Fine.
Come on in. Here are the boys.

Kono hito
wa dodeshoka ne?

He prefers
this young man.

Well, now, wait a minute.
I don't wanna tell Mr. Togo

his business here,

but you... You'd better tell him
that I'd better wrestle him.

Dame rashii desu yo.

Kono kata no ho ga keiken ga
arunkara dodesho ka?

Kono kata
to sumo shitara ne.

Iya, kono hito
wa dame jya.

Yappari boku kono
hito no ho ga ii wai.

He still prefers this man
to wrestle with.

Well, excuse...
Excuse... I mean...

I would... I would...
Would you be good enough

to ask him for me,
please,

why he wants me?

Naze kono hito ga
iindesu ka?

Kono hito wa kore,
chotto Nihonjin

mitai na kao
shiteru kara ne.

What did he say?

Because you look Japanese.

Oh, because
I look Japanese.

Huh?

Oh, well...

Okay, if that's
the way you want it.

No, no,
wait a minute, Sidney...

Well, it's all right, Mike.
He could have chosen anyone,

but he picked me and...

That's fine, wonderful,
except I don't think it's fair.

No, I don't think
it's fair either.

No, because I'm taller
and he can get hurt.

Oh, jeez!

All right, men! Disperse around
the edge of the mat. Sit down.

Mr. Terry.

All right. Now, then, Mr. Terry,
how do we begin?

Assume
the first position.

Ooh!

Well, he told me to come...
He said to take this place.

Go!

Oh.

Oh.

Now what?
Approach the opponent. Hakkeyoi.

Oh, wait a second.
What a scare job!

Hey, wait. No, wait
one second, please.

Don't... Don't hurt me.
I mean, let's talk a little.

What?

Wait, wait. Friday, if I can
get the car, all right?

What...? What did
he say then?

He says,
"Don't be afraid!"

Yeah, I guess it's silly.
What's there to be...?

Afraid of? Wait a second.
Don't you help me, that...

There's plenty to be afraid...
Wait, hold it a second.

Listen, the "inferityority"
complex with the smoking,

I think, is what did it.
Sure, you're short,

but don't take it out on me.
Wait a second!

Wait a second.

I can be tough and rough too.
Don't go with scaring me.

I can scare a little too.

Ooh!

Wait! Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I don't need this.
With pain, with hurting,

with killing and hurts.

Don't... I don't need
this at all!

I shouldn't have volunteered
in the first place...

No! Oh, no!

Judo. Oh, that's good.
Oh! That's very...

Oh, that's good judo.

He's got me now!

But try one of these!
I got him. I got him!

Try and get out of this.

He's a little heavy,
but I think I got him.

Look at this,
he'll never get... Ooh.

Wait a second, I don't
wanna do nothing no more.

Don't fight with me.

Pick somebody else. Don't do
nothing, it's not gonna... Ooh!

I think I'm immune already,
you see, because you hit...

It's nothing, you see,
I think you can hit me... I...

Ooh!

Oooh! Unh! Oh! Ooh!

Are you serious?
No, I'm only kidding.

Okay?
Oh, yeah.

You feel better now?
Oh, that's fine.

All right?
Yeah, that's much better.

Mike?
Here. Here.

Oh. Wow, he was
a fat one, wasn't he?

Yeah, he was.

You shouldn't
do things like that.

Boy, you can get
yourself killed that way.

Well, I had to do it, Mike.

I knew I was goofing
in some of my classes and...

Well, I had to do it.

I didn't want those other guys
to think I was scared.

Don't worry about
the other guys!

You're doing fine.
Now, just keep it up.

Am I really?
Yeah!

I gotta go.

There's my class for principles
of local government.

So I'll see you later, Mike.
Yeah, all right, boy. Goodbye.

Hi, Johnny.

Hello, Mike.
Wasn't that Pythias?

Yeah.

Say, how's he doing, huh?

Fair. We might have
to wash him out.

Oh, no, Johnny.

Look, Johnny, you
gotta do me a favor.

He's gotta get
every possible break.

Mike, we all know how you
feel about the kid, but...

Please, Johnny!
If it's humanly possible,

we've gotta
get him through.

If he isn't police officer
material, Mike, he'll fail.

We can't show any favoritism,
you know that.
Yeah.

Now, the next phase of training
should make or break him.

Starting tomorrow night,
he goes on actual police patrol

with a proven
police officer.

If he gets by that,
he should make it.

Yeah. Thanks.

Have something to eat, Mike.
It's delicious.

Oh, I'm not
very hungry, thanks.

Sidney trouble?

Mm-hm.

Oh, Mike, I hate to seem
impatient with you,

but you must admit a girl
can get quite bored

with having her evenings spoiled
by the ghost of Sidney Pythias.

Oh, please,
Martha,

please don't start
that again, now, will you?

I'm afraid I have
to start it again.

Unfortunately, I'm an important
part of this whole situation.

I like you, Mike.
Very much.

I think you like me.
You know I do.

And I've got enough ego
to wish I were

just as important
in your thoughts as Sidney.

Am I, Mike?

What are you trying
to do, Martha?

Box me
into a corner?

You know how much
that kid means to me.

Yes, I do. Now I wanna know
how much I mean to you.

Oh.

Okay. I'm not gonna
play games with you.

I like you very much.

I like you more than any other
woman I've ever known.

But I think we better get
something understood right now.

You take me,
you take the kid.

And that's
only the beginning.

There'll always be other
Sidneys, hundreds of them.

Kids that need help.

They'll always be an
important part of my life.

I see. I'm sort of third
in this league.

No, I didn't say that...
You don't think you did,

but to me it's spelled
out quite plainly.

Third place,
barely in the money.

I'm sorry, Mike,
but I've got to be a winner.

Or at least share
first position.

Mike?
Yeah?

I wanted you
to call me back.

Would you also want me
to lie to you?

No.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah.

Oh, hello, Mike.
This is me, Sidney.

Listen, Mike...
Oh, excuse me,

I know that you're over there
with Martha.

But I'm just working here
on my examinations

and I'm not doing so good.
Maybe you could help me?

Sure, sure, sure, kid,
come right on over.

Oh, I can come over?
Oh, well, thanks a lot.

You're sure artha won't care?
No, Sidney.

Oh, okay. All right,
I'll be right over, Mike.

Thank you very much.
Goodbye.

Where you going, Sidney?

I'm going somewhere.

Hey, I said,
I have to go somewhere.

You're sure busy lately,
ain't you, kid?

What with police
school and stuff.

Forgetting all about your
old friends, huh, Sidney?

What's this all about?
What do you guys want?

We don't want nothing, Sidney.

We're just trying
to be sociable.

Thought we'd stop by
and see how you're doing

at the police academy.

Gonna be a cop,
huh, Sidney?

Yeah, I'm gonna be a cop.
If they'll have me.

Oh, man, what
a snap it's gonna be

for guys like us
if they load the force

with goofs like you.
Now, wait a minute...

You're really going ahead
with this thing, huh, kid?

Yes, I'm going ahead
with it.

You gotta be nuts.

What's the matter with you,
you wanna be legit?

Yeah, I wanna be legit.
What's so strange about that?

Don't you know
every cop's a sucker?

He's a chump, man.

He don't make enough loot
to keep him in cigarettes.

And he's a patsy, a 14-carat
patsy for every sharpie in town.

Oh, is that so?
Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something,
Mr. Smart-Aleck.

A police officer happens to have
the respect of decent people,

which eliminates you
and your friends, Monk.

Let him alone!

Come on, Art. Let him alone.
Why?

Get out of here!

Maybe I got you
figured all wrong, huh?

What I mean is, maybe you're
smarter than I figured you were.

How do you mean?

The angle.

What angle?
Well, yours.

You gotta have one.

Look, Sidney, nobody,
I mean nobody,

does nothing
without an angle.

If you got something taped,
let me in on it,

maybe I can make
it easier for you.

You're crazy, Monk.
I'm what?

You're nutty. You gotta
be a little nutty.

Because you figure
that the whole world...

The whole world
is built sideways

and that everybody's looking to
put a finger on everybody else.

And that don't add up, huh?
No, that don't add up, Monk.

All right, fat mouth, why don't
you show me where I'm wrong.

Maybe you're
the perfect example, huh?

A janitor making
60 stinking bucks a month

to wrestle garbage
people throw at you.

The same people
that laugh at you,

spit at you,
tab you as an idiot!

You're a fine one
to tell me that

there's a shining light
somewhere!

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna...

You're gonna nothing. You're
gonna wind up just like me,

kicking and scratching
every inch of the way!

Look, Sidney, wise up.

There ain't no shortcuts.
Man, you gotta draw blood!

Well, you're wrong, Monk.

You're all wrong, see?

Because nobody's
gotta get hurt.

See, I used to be
like you, Monk,

and I got lucky.

See, because I found out
I was wrong.

That nobody's looking
to break your back.

There's an awful lot of nice
people in this world, Monk,

and I just wanna be
one of them.

Yeah.

Well, you listen
to me, Sidney,

and you listen hard.

You ain't got
a chance.

Because guys like you
and me are born losers

and we gotta
come up empty.

There ain't
no other way.

But I got a clue
for you.

Before I go under,

I'm gonna make
a lot of noise.

Monk. Monk, why didn't you
let me belt that jerk?

I mean, what'd you stop me for?
I got confused.

Confused?
Yeah.

He made sense.

Let's get out of here.

Now, this phase
in your training

is probably
the most important one.

It's a chance for you
to prove how you'll function

under typical circumstances
as a police officer.

Now, each one of you cadets
will be paired off

with a tried
police officer,

who will judge you
on your performance

during this trial period.

You've now had 12 full weeks
of police training,

but should
an emergency arise,

you're to make
no decisions on your own.

But you're to look to him for
whatever solution is necessary.

And remember this,
you're under arms.

Now, don't touch that gun unless
you intend to shoot somebody.

And if you do, you'd better
have a sound reason.

Dismissed.

Well, Mike,
I'm all excited.

I wonder what part
of town we'll get.

Well, it'll look
familiar to you, kid.

It's your neighborhood.

My...?

Good evening, sir.
Hello, officer.

Hi, officer.
Good evening, ma'am.

Ooh.

Nice night.
Get out of here!

It happens.

It is a nice evening,
though, isn't it?

Yeah, it's nice and quiet.
Don't knock it, boy.

Every day without
trouble is a plus.

I know that, Mike, but I
was kind of looking forward

to a little action tonight.

- Yeah?
- Komm, schnell!

Officer, komm schnell!
Was ist?

All right. Come on, Sidney,
we'd better go.

Why, she's gonna
have a baby!

Why don't you take her
to the hospital.

Mama, shh.
Mama, shh, shh, shh.

Where's the telephone?
I'll call the ambulance,

take her to the hospital.
The telephone!

Komm rein.
Ich werd's zeigen.

Where you going?
You stay here!

Me?!
Yeah, you!

Wait a minute.
What if the baby...?

Relax. She's got
plenty of time.

Now, don't worry
about it, huh?

Lady, don't
do nothing.

I mean, ma'am, they went
to get a hospital

to come here to take you
to the ambulance, you see.

So, uh, relax.

Well, just
take it easy, ma'am.

What's...?
Don't do nothing now.

Just... Could you wait
just a few minutes?

How long does it take
to make a phone call, lady?

You see, because...

What is it?

Oh, wait, please.
Just do me a favor, would you?

Personal.
Wait, because...

They'll be right back.
Noo!

Take your mind off it
for a second, lady.

Maybe if you just took your
mind off it, you'll feel better.

Like I play baseball.
You like baseball?

Once,
I was playing baseball...

Just listen to this.

Oh, please wait!
They'll be back... It'll only...

Oh, lady. Lady, wait!

Please, lady, wait!
I'm highly emotional.

Ooh! Wait!

What's the matter
with you guys?

Does it take an hour
to get here?

Come on, come on.

Here, boys.
Ma'am, is...?

Sidney, wha...?

Oh. Oh. Look, Mike,
it's a boy baby!

And she wants
to name him Sidney!

Ain't that nice?

It sure is.

It sure is.

Car 119. Car 119.

Go to 16th Street alley
entrance. Illegal entry.

Isn't that us?
That's us, boy.

Here's the action
you asked for.

May be real trouble
this time, huh, Mike?

Yeah, it could be, kid.

Aah!

Easy, boy, easy!

It's only
a flesh wound.

Now, who in the devil shot him?
That wasn't necessary.

You didn't have
to shoot me.

You didn't have to shoot me.
Take it easy, son.

Call an ambulance.

Let me have your gun.
Yes, sir.

Yours.

All right, Carl.
Let me see yours.

Well, where is it?
I don't know, sir.

I had...

That it?
Yes, sir.

You've got some explaining
to do, young fella.

Now, wait a minute, sergeant.
He did it, sarge.

He shot me, I saw him!

That ain't true.
You're lying, Artie!

I ain't lying!
You shot me, copper!

I didn't, Mike. I didn't.
He's lying.

Honest.

I didn't do it.

He assigned to you?
Yes, sir.

Okay. Take him to
Captain Riley's office.

Carl, stay with this boy
till the ambulance comes.

You, come with me.

Artie, Artie, tell them
I didn't shoot you.

Yes, you did.
You shot me, copper.

You're lying, Artie.
I ain't lying.

Artie, you're lying.
I ain't lying. You shot me!

Sidney...

You're a loser, Sidney!

Hello, Mike.
Yeah.

I heard about Sidney.

You should feel
real good.

He's in trouble. Bad trouble.
I feel just delighted, Mike.

So much so I came
here to volunteer

my services
as his attorney.

I'm sorry.

All I want from you,
Officer Damon,

are the facts on what
happened last night.

Okay.

Fact number one,
it was an accident.

Yes.
Fact number two...

I can't let that kid
ruin his life.

But if he shot the boy...
He didn't. I did.

You?
Yeah.

The boys were involved
in a heist.

They were coming down the
stairs, we came in the alley.

We met in the...

You're not listening.
No, because you're lying.

You're a liar, Mike Damon.
A wonderfully loyal liar.

Captain Riley, sir,
what happened?

Well, the boy signed
a statement identifying Sidney.

We're going to have
to book him.

Captain Riley...

Look, captain, sir,
Sidney did not shoot that boy.

That's what Sidney says,
that's what you say.

Okay, I'll play along.
Who did?

Nobody did.

I saw his gun fall out
of his holster,

and I ran over
and picked it up.

You ain't gonna
buy this,

but all I wanted
to do was steal it.

It's worth about 20 bucks,
you know?

Anyway, some guy belted me
and the gun flew out of my hand

and landed on the street.

Went off and that's
how Artie got hit.

Now, don't ask me
why I came here.

I ain't bright
enough to answer that.

Except...

Just because I'm a stupe,
that ain't no reason

for Sidney not to climb out
of the garbage I'm buried in.

He didn't shoot him.

Well, Artie said...
Artie's lying.

Give me 30 seconds with him
and I'll prove it to you.

Gee, thanks
a lot, Monk.

Don't thank me.

Captain,
any time you're ready,

I'll have
a little talk with Artie

and sign a statement, huh?
Fine, Monk.

Oh, Captain Riley, sir.

Captain, I was wondering about
Sidney's progress report.

This incident won't have
any effect on it, will it?

Are you asking me if I'm
recommending his appointment

as a police officer?
Yes, sir.

Yes, I'm
recommending him!

I think you'll make
a fine officer.

Thank you,
Captain Riley, sir!

Congratulations, boy!
Thank you, Mike.

And thank you very much
for all your help.

It was my pleasure.

Well, I better
go call Patricia.

She's anxiously waiting.
Yeah.

Thank you, Miss Henshaw.
Thank you very much.

I know why you came down
and I appreciate it.

You're welcome, Sidney,
and good luck.

Thank you, Miss Henshaw.

Oh, uh...

Mike, uh...

Monk's not gonna be
in big trouble, is he?

No, no, Sidney. I think
everything will be all right.

Oh, good!
Okay. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Sidney.

Is that a boy?

Is that a boy.

Oh, Sidney,
you look wonderful.

Tall and handsome and...

Respected?
Respected.

I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.

Well, I have to go to work.
Would you sit here?

Yes, sir.
Right here.

Well, gentlemen,

I suppose you're wondering
why I've asked you here.

Well, uh...

let's put it this way.

Your problems...

are my problems.

Artie,

tell me something
about yourself.

What are you,
and...

...what do you wanna be?