Original subtitles

[film reel rolls]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

I've read every book in this library

but I can't find a story about a girl like me.

Girls in books always have a moment

where everything changes

but my moment still hasn't happened.

Today is like yesterday. Tomorrow never comes.

I know what usually starts an adventure:

the arrival of a mysterious hero

a Mr. Darcy, a Mr. Rochester, a Rhett Butler

who turns everything upside down.

I am not closed-minded

but finding the romantic hero

of our age in Wolverhampton seems unlikely.

[upbeat music]

[laughing]

♪ Riding on any wave that is the luck you crave ♪

♪ They don't believe it now they just think it's stupid ♪

♪ So got anything?

♪ Anyone could have done

♪ Who would've cared at all not you ♪

[laughing]

♪ Another heart has made the trade ♪

♪ Forget it forget it forget it ♪

♪ I don't understand how a heart is a spade ♪♪

[bell ringing]

Ah.

[bell ringing]

No, I do not think my adventure starts with a boy.

I think it starts with me.

[instrumental music]

[dog barking]

Like all great heroes, I have a sidekick

my faithful dog, Bianca.

I also have a plan.

I'm going to be a writer.

What kind of writer? I don't know yet.

The kind that is totally amazing

travels the world, has sex

and writes powerful truths that change people's lives.

Oi!

[yelling]

Go on, fatty!

[clamoring]

Are you a lezzer? Are you a lezzer?

After all, I know the impact a great book can have.

Ow!

[music continues]

I know what you're thinking.

There are a few key differences

between me and your typical heroine.

- You alright, bab? - Hi, Dad.

For starters, I am not a tragic orphan.

I actually have too many brothers.

Four, which is simply excessive.

And then there's my mother's postnatal depression

which you should absolutely expect

if you get pregnant at 38. Ugh.

Unlike Virginia Woolf, I don't even have a room of one's own.

This is Krissi's room with a partition down the middle.

Like Berlin.

But, here, I have everything I need.

Elizabeth Taylor, the Bronte sisters

Donna Summer, Dr. Sigmund Freud.

- Good morning, Johanna. - Hey, Brontes. Good times, ja?

I have the love and wise counsel of my God Wall.

What a beautiful day!

I regret to say that despite my best intentions

today has been another miserable one.

Well, missy, I've had plenty of those.

There's nothing a little musical number can't cure.

How much longer am I going to have to be here?

I need something to happen.

I want to burn! I want to explode!

Oh, I want to have sexual intercourse

with someone who has a car.

What's a car?

How do I get there from here?

[knocks]

Come on, repulsive. It's the news.

The real news. Bong.

Top of the Pops.

[dog whining]

Come here, Smudge.

Would the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?

And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.

[instrumental music]

- Who are these? - Happy Mondays.

I'm putting 'em on the front cover of the "Fanzine."

Do you know nothing of popular culture, Johanna?

Fuck me. I could do better than this lot.

They look like a bunch of brickies.

Where's a nice poofy spaceman when you need one?

- I miss Bowie. - How are you feeling, mum?

- I'm becoming evil. - Nice one, bab.

I'd kill for 20 minutes' sleep.

I'd kill the last panda on Earth.

I'd cuddle up in its furry corpse for a bit of shuteye.

You've still got those sexy eyes, though, love.

Still can't sit down, huh?

Oh, God, it's like the Joker's smile down there.

Ah, take your coat off.

You won't feel the benefit, cocker.

Oh, Pat, it took half a tit to get him off.

This is ecstasy funk, dad.

I can't stand it when amateurs take over from proper jazzers.

They've crossed the cultural picket line, this lot.

- Scabs! Scabs! - Dad, shush.

I'm trying to hear.

I just wanna get back in the game, love

back on top.

For I'm the bastard son of Brendan Behan

and one day, these fuckers will all bow down to me.

To me, yes, yes.

Johanna Morrigan..

[groans]

- Ovulate quietly. - No, no, I've been chosen!

- What? - Listen! Listen!

Our young poet of the Midlands finalists.

- Tomorrow has come. - Are you going to be on telly?

- From your writing? - Birmingham?

It's gonna be at least a tenner in petrol.

What am I going to wear?

Krissi, turn that fire off. We're broke.

There's me bloke from Stoke.

Here you are, son, hand him over.

Can we keep him, dad?

No, mate. Hounds for pounds, innit, eh?

- Johanna. - Please, dad. Please!

Yeah. Happy Mondays on the cover

and then a think piece about Riot Grrrl inside..

This is my turning point, Krissi.

I'm going to get out of here. Become a writer.

And everyone wants to have a date with people who are on TV.

It's just a fact.

For a tenner

I'd probably have a go on Andy Bibby.

Andy Bibby farts on his own hands and throws them at people

shouting "Turtle Power."

Well, we could conduct our relationship downwind.

What about Richard Moseley? He's tall. Value for money.

Richard Moseley once shot a snail with an air rifle.

John Kellog has a good bag.

And so Chaucer was one of the first poets

to use the five-stress line

the decasyllabic cousin to the iambic pentameter

the man who helped standardize Middle English

a daring satirist, a protofeminist

and not, as surmised by Lee Bacon

just shit at spelling.

- Oh, nice one. - So..

[bell ringing]

[indistinct chatter]

- Did you like my essay, Mrs. B? - Mrs. Belling.

It was your best yet, Johanna.

A very entertaining 33 pages.

You're very generous with your words.

Artistic expression is the greatest preventative

for melancholy and morbidity, Mrs. B.

- Mrs. Belling. - My memoir already runs up to 300 pages.

Johanna, you're 16. Have you got many memoir-ies?

Oh, I am blessed with a rich internal life, Mrs. B.

I just write about all the things I imagine I'll do.

The only trouble is I don't know the end yet.

I'm an English teacher.

You need to share that problem with the philosophy department.

Johanna, may I offer you some advice?

Cannon away, full power, Mrs. B.

Mrs. Belling. You need to just rein it in a bit.

All teachers look for a spark. Very few have it. You do.

In fact, right now, you're like Krakatoa.

But I need five pages of GCSE-compliant coursework

not "War and Peace."

The unabridged version.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

That's the cool room. I've never been in there.

Get a shift on, babba. It's time for your starring role.

Birmingham New Road will be a circus by 6:00.

What d'you reckon? Nine quid for the lot.

Donny Buddhamere's done us proud, hasn't he?

- We look like a fat Bros. - Nice one.

This jacket is too tight.

I don't think it's made for women.

Oh, you've inherited the Finlayson

women's breasts, Johanna.

We can't be contained by a catalogue bra.

Where's me bloody keys?

Come on, let's go.

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh-ooh ooh ♪

Now, the first lucky linguist to compete...

This is it. My pivotal moment.

Like when the Little Mermaid gets legs.

...who lists his address as East of Eden, West of Solihull

with his poem, "Brut 66."

I only have three true friends

the moon, my fist and a gun..

We played this show, you know, back in '78.

They didn't like the lyrics, to "Fuck me till my bladder bursts"

so we did an instrumental in the end.

Classy.

It was our last ever performance.

Spot. Remember your view.

Do you wanna take your coat off, love?

One minute.

I'll stack them, like Tupperware.

No, it's not working. You'll be fine.

- It is dead sweaty out there. - Well done, mate.

Are you alright, love?

Hey, I've got some advice for you, alright?

Key wisdom. Don't ever forget this.

If things ever get lairy, turn the conversation to jazz.

Confuses people.

And get on the hot, bad jazzers, Mingus, Coltrane.

You're on. Go, go.

Johanna Morrigan

from the Warstones Estate in Wolverhampton.

She says her poem is influenced by her family's unusual business

breeding Border Collie dogs.

- That's right. - I love a collie.

Take it away, Johanna, with our final poem..

...about friendship.

Go on.

"My Best Friend by Johanna Morrigan.

"My father sells your babies.

"You howl when you're alone.

"You do not know who your parents are.

"And all you want to do is bone.

"Well, my best friend is Bianca, my dog.

"Despite her mental health seeming fragile

"And when it comes to scaring off assailants, or yobs

"she has proven less than agile.

"You cannot hug me with your paws.

"I know, Bianca.

- I've tried." - Come on, Johanna.

"Dog anatomy lacks rotator cuffs.

"You can't open your forelegs that wide

"but, Bianca, I know you can always hug me.

"You can always hug me

Hug me with your eyes."

I'm so nervous. I'm so nervous.

When you know that there's one million people watching

it's nerve-racking.

I'm just -- I'm just mad.

Anyway, to be honest, Alan...

- Oh, here she comes. - I'm just...

That's what everyone says.

Just -- just a mad

lonely teenager into dog.

But -- but we, we're like

Sha -- Shaggy and Scooby-Doo.

Best friends forever against the world.

I rove my rog. Everybody roves my rog.

- Let's -- - Scooby! Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

Just as a reminder, later on in the program

we're going to make some groaty cakes with a modern twist

with Cyrille Regis, so don't tune out.

Maybe Johanna would be more comfortable over there

while I announce the winner of Young Midlands Poet of the Year

Lee Veltman.

[indistinct chatter]

Okay.

We're gonna keep a tight formation

and you're gonna remember Krissi's crisis mantra.

Everyone can suck a big bag of dicks.

Good girl. Come on.

Maybe no one saw it.

Yeah.

All good so far.

- Here she is. Scooby-Doo! - Yeah, fuck them all.

Scooby-Doo! Scooby-Doo!

[clamoring]

Is your brother Shaggy? Shaggy..

Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

[laughs]

Go on. Do you want Scooby Snacks?

Here's your Scooby Snacks, eh?

Can I help you, lads?

- Hey, is that Karl Boden? - What about it?

I fucked your mum back in '72.

Give her my regards, won't you?

- Oh, mate. - Come on, let's go.

Go on inside, kids. Tea's ready.

Your mum's busy garnishing the toast with beans.

Pat Morrigan? You have puppies for sale?

I do, yes. Famous pups, as it happens.

Immortalized in poetry on "Today In The Midlands."

I'm from the DSS.

We're investigating allegations you've been illegally claiming

disability benefit whilst breeding Border Collie dogs.

Not me, love.

No.

Rats, though.

We've got a big rat problem around here.

[instrumental music]

I'm so sorry.

Losing the TV is tough

like when Beth dies in "Little Women."

I have become destroyer of the world.

I shall feast only on my misery.

And jam.

What have I done? I've brought ruin upon our family.

I think I'm dying.

You are not dying, Johanna.

This is called anxiety.

Will jam make it better?

No, jam will not make it better.

I'm afraid you will just have to accept this.

The thing is, I don't think

my main problem is anxiety, Mr. Freud.

I just need money. Money for the family.

But I am now a failed artist, and when you're a failed artist

there's only one thing you can do.

- You have to die. - Johanna, no!

- No, you must live. - No, you have so much to live for.

Johanna, honey, we need you.

No! Never.

I've got some good tips on how to do it.

- What you doing? - Working out how to die.

- Fair enough. - Ask me why.

I know why.

I'd wanna die too if I'd shamed myself

plunged my whole family into poverty.

It's fair enough. I would have advised it myself.

Maybe I'll commit the ultimate sacrifice, cut my hair off

like Jo March, sell it.

I'm not sure cash converters have a hair department, Johanna.

[sniffles]

Stop moping.

Try this. They're looking for writers.

It's a competition to be a rock critic.

You might wanna give your poetry a break.

"Live and breathe music?

"D-and-ME are hiring hip young gunslingers.

Show us what you've got."

I am none of those things. You should do this.

I'm not a corporate sell-out whore.

Those guys only write about what they think is cool.

I write about what I love.

It just happens that everything I love is cool.

A ten-year-old could be a rock critic.

Now I just need some modern rock to critic.

Touch that and die.

[instrumental music]

[Krissi laughing]

- My God. - This is a classic.

♪ The sun'll come out tomorrow ♪

♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪

♪ There'll be sun

♪ Just thinking about tomorrow ♪

♪ Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow.. ♪

Hey.

Emily and Charlotte Bronte shared quills.

Yeah, well, I want it back by 5:00.

- And you are so Anne. - Don't start that again.

♪ And lonely

♪ I just stick out my chin

♪ And grin and say

♪ Oh the sun'll come out tomorrow ♪

♪ So you gotta hang on till tomorrow ♪

♪ Come what may

♪ Tomorrow tomorrow

♪ I love ya tomorrow

♪ You're always a day away

♪ When I'm stuck with a day that's grey and lonely ♪

♪ I just stick out my chin and grin and say ♪

♪ Oh..

[all gasping]

That's disgusting.

Are you dying?

No.

This is a period, Lupin.

It is why women have been oppressed throughout history.

Till the twin-tub was invented

we were too busy scrubbing to agitate for the vote.

Will I get a period?

Yes.

[gasps]

Johanna.

Hello?

Interview.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

♪ The sun'll come out tomorrow ♪

♪ So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow ♪

♪ Come what may

♪ Tomorrow tomorrow

♪ I love ya tomorrow

♪ You're always a day away

♪ Tomorrow tomorrow

♪ I love ya tomorrow

♪ You're always

♪ A day

[instrumental music]

♪ Away ♪

[rock music on stereo]

[indistinct chatter]

I know Prince is short

but you've made him look like a sex case Oompa Loompa.

Tell him to take off his top or something.

Enbiggen him, if necessary.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, Just Seventeen's on the 23rd floor, love.

Thank you, but no.

I'm Johanna Morrigan. I have an interview for the job.

Hot young gunslinger.

Fucking hell.

Right, there goes a tenner. Andy, you win.

- Sorry, we didn't think you were real, love. - What?

Well, a 16-year-old girl reviewing the soundtrack to Annie?

We just thought it was the dicks at NME winding us up.

But did you think my writing was good?

Yeah, it was funny.

It made us laugh. But it's not really us.

- So I go? - I guess.

Here.

You've come a long way.

Have a free T-shirt.

Thank you.

[toilet flushing]

I was right the first time. I'm not cool.

I should just die.

Do you know what cool people are, Johanna?

Cool, like the people in that room?

Cool people are the worst.

They don't dance, they wear uncomfortable little trousers

and they're constantly misquoting Kerouac.

Have you read "On The Road," Johanna?

Don't bother. It is a very long book about a man getting a lift.

Do you know what a good book is?

"Little House on the Prairie."

She makes her own knickers, and her dad shoots a bear.

That's a story.

Come on, give your face a rinse

and dance back into that room.

I'm too scared.

Scared?

Darling, rooms like that need girls like you.

This is why you are magic.

[upbeat music]

Look. Look!

I might not know much about

your Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine

or your Sultans of Ping FC, or your fire drill next Tuesday

but if you think I'm funny and I can write

then -- then it can't be harder to learn about

than the periodic table

and I got a 98 percent on that test.

I only failed on Kr.

Krypton is my kryptonite.

I -- I could improvise, like the hot, bad jazzers.

Coltrane and Mingus.

Give her the Manic Street Preachers.

You're doing the Manics, Tony.

I have just scalped Morrissey. I'm exhausted from the kill.

I need to rest in the shade.

Besides, you didn't tell me

the Manics were in Birmingham.

I'm not really feeling regional right now.

Try her.

Well, fuck it. Yeah, trial run.

Johanna, you get to make first contact

with the demented Welshmen.

Man the barricades for us, yeah?

Leaping lizards!

Okay.

What?

Are you in fact being Annie right now?

Yes, sir.

Enjoy the munificent ten-P per word.

I will.

I'm much obliged to you, sir.

I'll remember that.

I have nothing to wear.

That is not factually correct.

Nothing to wear for who I need to be.

The best item of clothing I own is my hair.

Is my hair.

[laughs]

You look like Captain Caveman.

Krissi.

Absolutely not.

[upbeat music]

I've been saving that for three years.

This is nine pounds forty-eight.

Yeah, well, the Fanzine has a lot of overheads.

Revolutionary independence is costly.

That's okay. I can totally transform myself for nine pounds forty-eight.

Hmm.

♪ That girl thinks she's the queen of the neighborhood ♪

♪ She's got the hottest strike in town ♪

♪ That girl she holds her head up so high ♪

♪ I think I wanna be her best friend yeah ♪

♪ Rebel girl rebel girl

♪ Rebel girl you are the queen of my world ♪

♪ Rebel girl rebel girl

I need this.

♪ I think I wanna take you home ♪

♪ I wanna try on your clothes uh ♪

[music continues]

♪ Uh

♪ Rebel girl rebel girl

♪ Rebel girl you are the queen of my world ♪

Observe the world's greatest eyeliner.

♪ I know I wanna take you home ♪

♪ I wanna try on your clothes

♪ My rebel girl ♪

Good God, it's the Child Catcher.

No. Johanna Morrigan is dead.

This, this is the legendary Dolly Wilde.

MegaN.

You never forget your first gig, bab.

It's like your first kick in the balls.

Changes your life.

Now get your ears around my remix.

Your dad's gone up a level.

♪ Can anybody hear me? ♪

Do you like this one? I've done it rave style.

I'm on one, love. And I'm back.

Next Live Aid, I'm getting the Phil Collins slot, both of them.

No, fuck it, three. I'll do Africa and all.

♪ Day-O! ♪

Too right.

[laughing]

For I'm the bastard son of Brendan Behan

and one day these fuckers will all bow down to me.

Whoo!

Look at that. The Midlands.

When I was your age, the only thing we cared about

was how to escape.

So, you either become a boxer

a footballer or a pop star.

It's the only way.

Obviously, I chose pop star.

But you...you've got your writing, bab.

You've found a new way.

I know.

I meant for me, like. Get me in the papers.

I know what to do this time around.

First time around I was a right twat.

I'm ready for it now.

The songs are ready. They're all killer.

You'll know when it's the right time.

[indistinct chatter]

Yeah, hey, hey! Access all areas. Come on.

[upbeat music]

♪ Check the new ride out it's alright ♪

♪ Silence ain't in season ♪

- What are your expenses like? - Ah..

Can I get a pint of Guinness, please, and a whisky chaser?

If only we were in Dublin, eh? Get a proper pint.

Good evening.

You alright, Birmingham? Good to be back.

Manic Street Preachers by Dolly Wilde.

April 8th, Edwards No. 8, Digbeth, Birmingham

West Midlands, United Kingdom, The World, Milky Way.

We come from urban hell, and we destroy rock 'n' roll.

[rock music]

♪ We are not your sinners our voices are for real ♪

♪ We realized and we won't be mourned ♪

♪ We're gonna burn your death mask uniforms ♪

♪ We won't die of devotion understand we can never belong ♪

♪ Thrown some acid into your face ♪

♪ Pollute your mineral water with a strychnine taste ♪

♪ You

♪ Love

♪ Us

♪ You love us

♪ You love us

♪ You love

♪ You love us

♪ Oh you love us

♪ You love us

♪ You love us you love us ♪

♪ Until I see love in statues your lessons.. ♪

♪ Parliament's a fake life saver ♪

♪ You better wake up and smell the real flavor.. ♪♪

"At 9:00 p.m. last night

"rock and roll meant nothing to me.

By midnight, it was the most important thing in the world."

[sighs]

Yow gonna buy that?

You gonna buy that?

I'm a newsagent's, not a library.

Look, Mr. S. I'm a byline.

I'm hearing the word buy and I'm liking it.

I've got your dad's bill here, 27.48.

Dad has a bill here?

Yeah.

Charge them to the account, Mr. S.

I'm a rock critic now.

I come from urban hell and I describe rock and roll.

[instrumental music]

Edward's No. 8.

Bath Moles.

Rayleigh Pink Toothbrush.

Derby Warehouse.

Wilde.

Windsor Old Trout.

King Tut's Wah Wah Hut.

Dudley JB's.

For when the house is too small

and your bones itch to dance

and you pretend the dry ice is getting you high

and it doesn't feel right until your clothes cling to you

with sweat.

These are the places you come

where you can dance and scream

and be with your own kind

and where everything is possible.

♪ I'm movin' on up now ♪

- See you later. - Bye.

- Love you! - We love you!

[sighs]

[alarm beeping]

Wake up, Fucko. School.

♪ My light shines on

♪ My light shines on

Come on.

Yeah, shut up.

So this is Dolly Wilde, from D-and-ME.

My sister.

There you go.

♪ ...shines on

♪ I'm getting out of the darkness ♪

♪ My light shines on

♪ I'm getting out of the darkness ♪

♪ My light shines on

♪ I'm getting out of the darkness ♪

♪ My light shines on ♪

- Nice one. Come on. - There.

- Let's have a look. - Lu.

I think that's for you, love.

And this one's yours. Krissi.

Dad, have you got rice?

[doorbell rings]

Dad.

You've taken the last chow mein, son.

- I've been left with rice. - I love chicken chow mein.

Johanna, are these twats for you?

- Are you girl from D-and-ME? - I am she.

These are the Strange Cages from Bilston.

So sorry about that. Pat, will you deal with this?

Yeah, come on in, lads. Nice one.

Nice to meet you. Yeah, yeah.

- You the bass player? - Yeah.

You'd be better off over here, mate.

A nice bit of separation there, yeah.

It's not quite what I meant.

This isn't the friggin' commitments.

So first up is a song about unrequited love.

It's called "Annabelle, My Bloodied Heart."

[upbeat music]

You'd have a better chance with Annabella

if you gave your hair a wash, love.

♪ That's when you know

♪ Whoa!

Hold on a minute, lads.

Lads, just -- just stop you there.

- You're lagging a bit on the drums. - What the hell --

You are, yeah. You're not keeping time right.

Come here, just step aside. Let me have a little go.

Come here. I'll show you a few little tricks here.

I'll show you a bit of rock 'n' roll. Are you ready?

One, two, three, four.

♪ I see the cracks they start to show ♪

♪ That's when you need it that's when you know ♪

♪ Whoa!

♪ I kick old habits they bring it out ♪

♪ They leave you something to figure out ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪

Where are you going?

What are we supposed to do with that lot?

Dolly Wilde's on the move, like Aslan.

Right, well, it's Johanna Morrigan's turn

to clean out the deep-fat fryer.

This bitch be paying rent, Krissi.

You're not friggin' Superman, you know.

You're just a girl in a hat typing jangly.

[upbeat music]

- Alright, come on. Story. - Oh, yeah.

Drink?

No, thank you, sir. I'm high on mere life.

I OD'd on life once.

Someone blew life right up my arse.

So, how is life in the world of the hot child genius?

I love the new look, by the way.

Very wild, Ms. Wilde.

Thank you, sir. Life is frustrating.

Oh, I hate to hear about a woman being frustrated.

I don't seem to be progressing as I thought I would.

I want bigger things.

Well, in my experience

the world welcomes women who ask for big things.

So I should just ask?

Ask and it will be given.

I'm telling you. It is, it has to be.

It has to be. Kenny, trust me.

Kenny, sir, may I ask you a question?

- Fire away. - Can I write a feature, please?

- A feature? - I want to interview someone.

Let me interview someone. I like bands. They're friendly.

To you, my darling, of course they are.

Talk to Derby about features, alright?

Sir, I think I'm ready to take on more responsibilities

and stretch myself.

I very much see part of my job

as helping young women stretch their responsibilities.

Sit here and tell me more about it.

Sir?

Sit here?

[laughs]

Watch this. Watch this.

This was a good idea. This is fun.

Does anyone else want a go? This is awesome.

I mean, it's not as good as a chair, like all you guys have

but it's definitely second best.

- Maybe we could wrestle, too. - No.

No, okay, you've got the feature, okay?

You can do John Kite in Dublin.

They're my thank-you bounces.

Please make sure your seat's back and tray tables

are in the full upright positions

and that your seatbelt is correctly fastened.

So the gig's at 10:00 p.m.

We'll do the interview first in the pub.

Are all planes this small?

Here's some clippings and some photos.

You've heard his new record, yes?

Is this turbulence?

We haven't taken off yet.

They say flying is the safest mode of transport

but surely that's walking.

[gasps]

Then after the show, I'll be with John Kite at all times.

- Oh, God, what's happening? - Eh?

Well, we've just gone above the clouds.

[instrumental music]

John, what are you talking about? Come back to me.

Let's just do it in the pub, you know.

- Listen.. - John. D-and-ME's here.

[instrumental music]

John. D-and-ME. This is Dolly Wilde.

Alright, Duchess? Pleasure to meet you.

Shall we, uh, brutalize ourselves with gin?

Oh, I would just like some pop, please.

- Do you want a cigarette? -No, thank you.

Ah. Well, I applaud your brightness.

When you start smoking

you think that you've bought a fun baby dragon.

You think that you've charmed a fabulous beast

that will impress both your enemies and your friends.

Then, 20 years later, you wake up

with your lungs full of cinder, the bed's on fire

and you realize the dragon grew up

and burned your fucking house down.

- So, the interview.. - Ah, the interview.

My first question is, if you had to murder someone evil

how would you do it?

- That is an amazing question. - What's your worst song?

- Oh, I don't know. - Which is the best Beatle?

Well, that's quite a..

What would you spend a pound on in a sweet shop?

[laughs]

Darling, have you ever done, like, an interview before?

No. I will be honest with you.

I've never done on anything before.

I'm quite new. I went on a plane today for the first time.

- Do you know how amazing it is? - Tell me.

Today I learned an astounding thing.

It's always sunny above the clouds.

However awful it is on Earth

if you go high enough, it's always summer.

Isn't that amazing?

- Ed, we're finished here, mate. - I have other questions.

Look, darling, if you think I'm gonna sit here

bollocking on about me

when you're both mad as Jesus and new to abroad.

Come on. We're going out.

Welcome to the world.

James Joyce's favorite pub.

In Ulysses, it's Davy Byrnes.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[laughs]

Come on, boy. Watch out. Rock star here.

- John, how you doing? - Yeah, I'm alright, mate. I'm good, yeah.

Let's get you started..

Same old routine, eh?

You ready? Good. It's all good.

There you go.

Thanks.

[audience cheering]

Come on.

Come on, let's do it.

[audience cheering]

This is the Duchess.

Right, I am reliably informed by Melody Maker

that I break hearts in two, so..

Safety goggles on, eh?

[audience cheering]

♪ You said heartbreak

♪ Only happens

♪ When you're older

♪ Angels don't put the angels to bed ♪

♪ And it's okay to lie

♪ Is what I have learned

♪ I tell them my day-making girl is off saving the world ♪

♪ You said heartbreak

♪ Only happens

♪ When you're older

♪ Angels don't put the angels to bed ♪

♪ And it's okay to lie

♪ Is what I have learned ♪

[door opens]

Classy.

I'm having this.

Hotel tax, innit?

For the honor of my company.

[chuckles]

I do have a proper question now.

Hit me.

Why are your songs so sad?

Oh, baby, now, that's a..

...that's big one.

Well..

...you see, I was, uh..

...born in a crossfire hurricane.

No, that's a quote.

"Jumpin' Jack Flash."

The Stones?

Have you never listened to the Stones?

I have the "Best Of" reserved at the library

but there are six other reservations ahead of me.

And yet you can quote "Ulysses."

Well, no one reserved that at the library.

I bet.

Well..

...like you, baby, I'm a scratcher.

I was born in Blackwood, South Wales Valleys

in a crossfire drizzle.

My mother had my three sisters

and then she got ill.

We'd go and visit her in hospital and, uh..

...she, uh, she didn't wanna touch us.

It made her cry.

And when we'd say goodbye

she'd press the tips of her fingers to her mouth

press it on our mouths, and say, "This is John's kiss."

And the little ones, you know, they just wanted their mum.

[glass clinks]

When she, uh, decided to die..

...I'd go into her wardrobe and...put on her coat

and hug 'em..

...so they could smell her, you know.

I read somewhere that's what you do with puppies.

You...put 'em in a cardboard box

with a blanket that smells of their mother.

And your dad?

[chuckles]

This is all off the record now, of course.

We are off road now, and off balance too.

[both chuckle]

[glass clinks]

This is far too much about me.

You, tell me one true thing about you.

Whose eyes do you have?

Whose, whose wonder?

I used to think that anyone who didn't have my mother...

My eyes are hers.

Or my father, he's the one who loves the world

was so unlucky.

They might as well just lie down and die.

[chuckles softly]

But then she had the unexpected twins.

And now she's just..

I miss her.

Even though she's there.

So I guess I write

because that's like..

...putting a wish into a bottle, isn't it?

Baby, I think we are both in the business

of putting wishes in bottles.

I mean, that's the whole business we're in.

[chuckles]

Do you want some nuts?

- Hmm. - Alright.

[both laugh]

- I love a bath. - Oh! Me too.

I just don't understand showers. They're depressing.

It's like standing in the rain on purpose.

[chuckles]

But I love Doors.

They make the outside stop.

- Ah! I love Doors now. - Hm.

I've fallen in love with Doors. They're amazing.

- But do you love dogs? - What? Do I love dogs?

I absolutely love dogs.

What's your favorite type of dog?

[instrumental music]

Ey, love.

- I am irreversibly in love. - Oh, nice one, bab.

I've got a gammon on the go, if you want a slice.

Dad...

I brought you a proper pint from Dublin, like you always wanted.

Thank you very much for that, love. That's great.

Look at that. Proper pint.

Oh! It's a bit flat.

John's nuts.

I don't know what to write.

Ah! The ecstatic torture of love.

The socioeconomic conditions

that lead to the dominance of working-class rock and roll.

Just write from the heart, Jo, and into the bank balance.

Love that.

[sighs]

John Kite Interview, Dublin

by Dolly Wilde.

Some people aren't just people

but...a place.

A whole world.

♪ You said heartbreak

♪ Only happens

♪ When you're older..

Sometimes you find someone you can just live inside.

♪ Angels don't put the angels to bed ♪

♪ And it's okay to lie

[vocalizing]

♪ Is what I have learned

♪ I tell them my day-making girl ♪

♪ She's out saving the world

♪ You said heartbreak

♪ Only happens

♪ When you're older..

You are the whole world.

♪ Angels

♪ Don't put the angels to bed.. ♪

[vocalizing]

Come with me.

Let yourself go.

♪ She's off saving the world.. ♪

Johanna?

Johanna..

- Johanna, let me in. - Go away.

♪ Saving the world

♪ Saving the world

♪ Saving.. ♪

- Johanna. - Uh! Go away, Krissi!

What you doing in there?

Let me in.

Sounds like you're whisking something.

Johanna, I've just had a really flirty half an hour

with John Kellog on the 512

and I need to share.

Ugh!

[sighs]

I was working.

What, on how to skin him and wear him as a coat?

Listen, I finished it.

"John Kite in Dublin.

"He's not a beautiful boy, nor a tall one

"but when the wind blows in on the street corner

"you can hear his heart beat under his shirt.

And when conversation accelerates.."

"...you can hear his mind chime like a clock.

"He is bright, bright, bright

"like the lantern above a pub door in November.

"He makes you wanna come in and never leave.

"When he smiles, it's like plugging in a Wurlitzer.

The dance floor floods with jivers."

And this, Tony, this is why we don't employ little girls

to write our newspaper.

I've never been in an organization

that wasn't improved from hiring jailbait.

Shirley Temple is fired.

[sighing]

What you doing, bab?

Waiting for a phone call that determines my entire future.

How long you been waiting?

Since 10 o'clock this morning.

I know the feeling, love.

I've been waiting for mine since 1978.

Ah! Keep at it, cocker.

[instrumental music]

Ring.

[thuds]

Ow!

[baby crying]

[baby crying]

Ring.

[vocalizing]

Is this all?

I kind of lost my mojo, Mrs. B.

I'm doubting my authorial voice.

I don't need your authorial voice, Johanna.

I need 500 words on Anna Karenina by 11:20.

I can give you the headline.

"Unhappy girl throws herself under a train. Fair enough."

As things stand, you're headed to a future

stacking cheddar on the cheese counter at Safeway.

You're kind of crushing my

already faltering zest for life, Mrs. B.

Yes. I'm the cold light of day.

A hope smasher.

A teacher.

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

Dolly Wilde.

- Ah! No, love. - I should be.

Try Johanna Morrigan.

Neither of you are on here, love.

Don't you know who I thought I was six weeks ago?

[laughing]

You're funny.

You should be a writer or something.

You're still not coming in though.

[chuckling]

No!

No! No!

[panting]

You've hit rock bottom?

Amazing. Details now, please.

I was so close.

I had the perfect life. I had friends.

I was almost out of here.

Now it's gone.

I'm 16 and I'm over.

You can't be over.

You don't have the privilege of that option, do you?

You cannot deny physics, darling.

You are the unstoppable force.

So...don't stop.

Come on, let me walk you home.

♪ Looking out the door

♪ I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners ♪

♪ Parading in a wake of sad relations ♪

♪ As their shoes fill up with water ♪

[crackers bursting]

♪ Maybe I'm too young

♪ To keep good love from goin' wrong ♪

♪ But tonight

♪ You're on my mind so

♪ You'll never know ♪

Alright. Cool. Let's just freakin' wake up. Come on.

This is definitely goin' out as well.

Nothing else. No way.

I don't ever want to heat that..

[indistinct chatter]

Yes. Alright, boss. Yeah.

You're slacking. Make sure that bit is right in the middle.

I've hit the glass ceiling.

I'm an unstoppable force, and yet I'm being stopped. Why?

Well, what you don't understand yet is that this is war.

War?

There's only 15 or 20 bands out there who really matter

ones who can change people's lives.

So?

So our job here is to remove the parasites

napalm them from their huts, clear the way.

- Yes, yes, yes... - That's alright.

I could, uh, I could listen to that.

Baby..

...that John Kite feature, Kenny wasn't impressed.

You just sounded like an excited teenage girl.

I am an excited teenage girl.

Well, fan or hack?

- Decide. - Really?

If I want to get ahead

I've got to get a hate?

We need you.

So everyone my whole life has lied to me.

A nice girl gets nowhere.

But a bitch..

...a bitch can make a comeback.

I have no choice.

Pop has a new gatekeeper, Dolly Wilde.

And I will not let you through if you think it's acceptable

to dress like work-experience vampires

and I mean you, The Hallows.

This is rock and roll, guys, not a clown hair competition.

It is a truth

universally acknowledged

that Paul Simon looks like a toe

someone drew a face on.

[laughing]

Joni Mitchell, voice of an angel

face of a Grand National winner.

Who is this bitch Dolly Wilde?

Hippies, just so you know

there is no such thing as a didgeridoo player.

That is a man mooing down a pipe.

This is horrible, like ear cystitis.

♪ Now it's in..

Guys, when did the burglar steal your talent?

I'm calling the police.

"Jump Around" by House of Pain

is the kind of music testicles would make.

[chuckling]

- Alright, mate. Bye. - Here you go, mate.

Dude.

[vocalizing]

Dolly Wilde, every single letter.

[horn blaring]

You're welcome.

[baby crying]

What d'you reckon?

[baby crying]

No, stop. Halt. Stop this.

- Oh, this is bad. - Stop. Stop this.

[indistinct chatter]

Whatever happened to raindrops on roses

and whiskers on kittens, Johanna?

They don't pay the rent.

- Dolly! - Dolly! Dolly!

Hi! How're you?

May I?

[indistinct chatter]

So, you don't have to worry

about that hymen anymore, Krissi.

It's gone.

I've literally taken one for the team.

The team of sex.

I'm post-virginity.

And it turns out, I'm really good at it.

Everyone wants a piece of Dolly Wilde

and God wisely made enough to go around.

So I'm entering my inevitable period of

intense sexual experimentation.

[instrumental music]

I've done it with someone from West Bromwich.

[moaning]

I've done it with a freaky foot guy.

I did with a man who faints every time he sees a nipple.

And just last night

I encountered something I didn't think was possible.

A penis that was too big.

[groaning]

Luckily, I'm a quick learner. I'll give you my tips.

One, when in missionary

place your hands flat on his chest

and brace, brace, brace with your arms.

Two, in doggy

you can essentially keep crawling away from the penis.

Every time he tries to get a bit more inside

you just gallop a little faster.

- Kris? - I'm gonna be sick.

Kris!

Kris! Kris!

You can share some of your sexual experiences

such as they may be.

Hm..

You need to be more repressed.

[door closes]

So, anyway, between us girls

in all this, the only thing I haven't learned is this

how does a man make you come?

Ooh! I know what you're saying..

Oh, well, that is the big question.

- Well, we managed without. - Speak for yourself.

I like to give myself a damn good wuthering.

I did try it once, but I -- I didn't like it.

You just have to have a little fiddle with yourself, darling.

That's exactly what I did.

That's my girl.

[gunshot]

Jeeves.

These boots need a lift to the station.

Darling, I would love to

but, uh, there's been a bit of a development.

[door opens]

Where's the van?

You've inspired me, love.

I sold it.

You've sold it?

Where the bloody hell did you appear from?

I manifest whenever someone sells my fucking car.

- Why did you sell it? - To do this.

- Here, look, you. - Unbelievable.

- Huh? - Not again, Pat.

I got these done and all.

Mayonnaise..

You called yourself Mayonnaise?

You sold the cow for magic beans.

Do you not have any faith in our daughter, Angie?

You can make me, can't you, love?

Absolutely. I'm all over it.

[instrumental music]

The thing about crossing over to the dark side

is that once you're there, it doesn't feel dark at all.

- Hello. - Dolly, how you doing, girl?

It feels warm and welcoming.

You and your friends are just taking care of business.

- To evil. - To evil.

Mmm.

[indistinct chatter]

- Votes on this. Keep? - Yes.

- Whoa! - Majority vote. It lives.

- I think so. - Next one.

This is imported, man. I'm not messing about.

[instrumental music]

- Fuck, no! - Oh! That's bad.

- No. - This is raping my ears.

- Kill. - Kill it.

- Kill. - Kill!

- Kill! - You do it this time.

- Kill! - Kill!

- Kill! - Kill!

- Kill! Kill! - Throw.

Here we go.

[cheering]

[laughing]

- Cracker. - Good shot, sir.

Right, what's this one called?

- Don't know. - Yeah, it's a bit scary.

- Cheers. - Here have some of this.

Alright.

[scoffs]

This is some Malawi-wowie, do you want some?

- Yeah. - Have a twig at that.

Does it matter what someone looks like?

Oh, right, says the woman who last week described Tori Amos

as having both the hair and future of a mammoth.

[laughing]

What's the band? What're they called?

- Mayonnaise. - Mayonnaise?

Who right now would go to their desk and write

"I love Mayonnaise?"

- Not me. - Kill it.

- Kill it! - Kill it!

- Kill it. - Kill.

Kill it.

- Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill!

Time for your first blood, darling.

- Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill!

- Kill! Kill! - Kill! Kill!

- Kill! - Kill!

You're so out of the loop, man.

- Big moment. - Go on, Dolly!

Throw.

[gunshot]

[all exclaiming]

- Nice! - Yes, Dolly.

I just shot Dad.

Nice work, Dolly. Yes!

Whoo-hoo!

[woman laughing]

[instrumental music]

♪ Hit it

♪ Ooh baby baby

♪ Baby baby

♪ Ooh baby baby

♪ Bab baby baby..

[crowd cheering]

- Dolly! - Hey, Dolly..

Dolly! Dolly!

Come on.

Oh, right, up.

[crowd cheering]

Bit of love, bit of hate in the room there.

Thank you. Your hate is delicious.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

- Whoo! - Oh, hey!

Cheers!

And now to the most hotly contested award of the night.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's Arsehole of the Year.

And in a year packed with contenders

the winner proves that feminism really is making advances.

The woman who suggested the world would be a better place

if Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam

ripped off another idea from Kurt Cobain

and shot himself to death.

It's Dolly Wilde!

♪ I'm an asshole

♪ He's an asshole what an asshole ♪

♪ I'm an asshole

♪ He's the world's biggest asshole.. ♪

[audience cheering]

Sit on my face!

Sit on your own goddamn face. I'm too busy.

[laughs]

Whoo!

Ladies and gentlemen, Dolly Wilde

Arsehole of the Year.

♪ I'm an asshole ♪

Let's hear it once more for Dolly Wilde.

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

You're a good person, aren't you?

I definitely need some guidance. That's without a doubt.

[both laughing]

- Hello. - Got a light, dude?

Oh, are you smoking now, Duchess?

Yeah.

It's just, eh, most people tend to smoke 'em the, ah

the other way round.

There you go.

Aren't you going to congratulate me on my award?

I'm Arsehole of the Year.

Do you wish me to congratulate you on that?

I'm the best at a thing.

Well, then, I wholeheartedly congratulate you

on your peerless evil.

Thank you.

You think it's ignoble?

I'm a massive fan of your bullshit.

I think you are smashing it, hogwash-wise.

Mm. There's no greater rule than "Bitch gotta pay rent."

I've always preferred, in the end, "Say one true thing."

Okay.

I am in love with you.

I am in love with you.

What?

You want one true thing.

- Johanna. - Now, we should kiss.

That's not me, Duch.

That's not my way.

John?

Yeah, let's go.

Has St. Winifred's school choir had too much pop?

Ah. We must never forget that it's a miracle

when anyone gets anywhere from a bad post-code.

And we must always be respectful of miracles.

Ahh.

I'll be respectful, then.

[laughing]

Clever girl.

Whoo!

[sighs]

[exhales]

One true thing?

Okay, I'll write one true thing.

[instrumental music]

[keys clacking]

"The real John Kite.

"He finally opens up over his heartbreaking childhood

"his mother's suicide

"and the origins of that iconic coat

by the journalist that knows him best, Dolly Wilde."

Fuck. Exclusive.

You've got a front cover.

[music continues]

[school bell ringing]

Ask me.

- No. - Ask me.

No.

Please, Krissi, be happy for me.

I won a thing.

And, by the way

I made a man who went to university at Cambridge

ejaculate into my comprehensively

educated genitals.

Con-spunkulations.

Do you wanna ask me about my date with John Kellog

and his bag?

After I promised on our mother's life

that I would never ever tell anyone

we drove 15 miles out into the countryside

blocked out all the windows with towels..

...and kissed.

Our dark queen.

[chuckling]

I won!

[students cheering]

I'm Arsehole of the Year!

[indistinct chatter]

I woke up in London.

I'm too sexual for this room.

Johanna, enough.

This delinquency phase, it's just not working.

- You need to choose. - Oh!

You're right.

So I resign.

- Oh, no! - No.

No, Johanna.

[cheering]

Class, take out your "Taming of the Shrew."

[cheering]

♪ Oh oh-oh

Johanna.

♪ Oh oh-oh-oh

Johanna, stop.

Stop.

No offense, but Patti Smith didn't keep getting harassed

to take the gerbil home at weekends.

I'm going to get my kicks while I'm still young.

My future turned up early.

I'm not going to keep it waiting.

The future can be awfully short, Johanna.

I haven't got anywhere else to go.

Johanna?

I don't want to look at you, Johanna.

No, I don't want to look at you, Johanna.

- I'm sick of it. - What?

Six months ago, you were a happy girl actually

being useful around the house.

And now I've got him telling me that

you've cock-blocked his career.

- I never said that. - Him in tears...

To be clear, they were intellectually justified

tears of rage.

...saying that you've treated him like a..

- An indolent hobbyist. - Yeah.

And, and now your teacher's on the phone

saying that you've resigned.

So my question to you, Johanna

is when did you lose your fucking mind?

I guess it was around the time I stopped being your daughter

and became the rent.

The same time I like to think

you became absolutely disqualified

from criticizing me.

We're your parents. We can always criticize ya.

No, not if you aren't actually doing any parenting of me

and you are selling cars I bought in order to fund

"Springtime for Hitler, A Jazz Odyssey."

Oh, my God. There's still no one saying, "Sorry, Johanna."

Or, "Well done, Johanna."

Or, "Things must have been hard for you, Johanna."

Do you think all this is normal? Do you think I'm normal?

Well, it's not. None of this is normal.

I invested that money in our future.

It's not our future.

You're not the future. Don't you understand?

Do you know what happened when I played them your record, dad?

They shot it with a gun.

They laughed at it first, obviously.

And then they threw it off a roof and I shot it.

Don't you get it?

I'm the future. I'm paying for everything.

Let's see how you manage without me, Ringo, Ringo and Ringo.

Fuck you all.

[footsteps thudding]

Whoo!

[indistinct chatter]

Everyone, look who's come to join our happy tribe.

Yes!

It's the Arsehole of the Year.

Let's get a drink. Get a drink.

Emilia..

Natasha, Sasha.

This is Dolly Wilde.

- She's trouble. - Yes, I am trouble.

Come, join us, trouble.

In fact, make that a double for the trouble.

- Trouble. - There you are.

Dolly Wilde.

How would you like to become a full-time staff member

of D-and-ME?

That's 19 grand a year.

The youngest person ever to join the staff.

I accept.

Oh. Come here, baby.

- Mm. - I feel sick.

[laughing]

Here it comes.

[all cheering]

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, Tony, it's your turn. Come on.

Okay, so never have I ever given a wank.

Liar. Two words, Rupert Osborne.

I was the wankee, not the wanker.

No, I wouldn't wank off a day boy.

Never have I ever given a wank.

Well, it's your turn, Dolly.

- Mm. - Go on.

Never have I ever gone on holiday.

[laughs]

Why would you never go on holiday?

Because we were poor.

- Oh. - Forget that one.

Forget that one. No, I have a better one.

Uh..

Never have I ever..

...kissed a girl.

Ah. Ah.

- Do you want to kiss a girl? - Yes.

- No way. - Ooh.

- Hi. - Oh, no.

- Oh. - Hello.

- Oh! See, I told you. - Get in. Get in.

There he is.

Baby, you've gotta get in here.

Everything's happening in here now.

Okay.

I'll improvise.

I'll be back in a mo. A sex mo.

[chuckling]

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh! - Oh.

I still can't see why we're giving her a staff job.

Just 'cause Tony likes a little bit of rough?

It took me four years to get on the staff.

- She's good for circulation. - Not if she sits on your lap.

[laughing]

- Would you do her? - Well..

I'd have to lay out the terms and conditions

but, yes, I would do her

but I wouldn't let her suck me off.

- Too chatty. She might bite. - Uh! I like her.

Mental girls from council estates.

- Ah! - That is my thing.

I take something in the dirt, I help it grow.

- Pygmalion. - Yes.

Just like Pygmalion, but with a real pig.

- Oh! - Oh!

Do you know who Pygmalion's father is?

- No. Who? - Mayonnaise.

Oh, Mayonnaise!

Tony, you gonna hold the mayo tonight?

Well, I might have mayo on the side, you know.

I like to offer a comprehensive education.

Educate me?

Educate me?

Let's get one thing straight right now.

I'm a lady sex pirate

a swash-fuckler, a lustketeer.

Where I come from, you make your own amusement.

You rinse every last drop out of every last day

because there isn't anything else.

I've been chased and humiliated and been utterly alone

and I still got up, put on my lipstick

and wrote every last one of you motherfuckers off the page.

"John Kite isn't a person but a whole world."

At least I meant that.

None of you mean anything that you write.

You're all just little boys smashing things up.

I'm 16 and three quarters, and I'm too old this.

Tony?

Tony?

[chuckling]

I am not your bit of rough.

You were my bit of posh.

And you are all nothing on the shoes of my father

for I am the bastard son of Brendan Behan

and one day, you will all bow down to me!

[instrumental music]

[vocalizing]

Is this home, love?

Yeah.

Thanks.

[car engine revving]

[door opens]

[door squeaking]

[exhales]

Where're you going?

[Krissi grunts]

Away from you.

Krissi.

[door closes]

[footsteps approaching]

John Kite keeps calling you.

He left a message for you.

"His worst song is Alison.

"The best Beatle is Paul.

"In a sweet shop he would spend a pound on pineapple rock.

"I apologize to Johanna for not ending the interview there.

I should not have burdened her with my friendship."

[sobbing]

Oh, God, mum, what do I do?

[baby crying]

[sighing]

Sorry.

[baby crying]

[sighs]

Hello.

Hello.

Anyone?

[instrumental music]

♪ You blow like the wind in my sail ♪

♪ You cut like the knife in my hand ♪

♪ And now you're bringing me up ♪

♪ Or down

♪ I cannot

♪ Decide if I'm lost or I'm found ♪

♪ Perhaps it's a sweet mistake ♪

♪ You've got to give me

♪ Some kind of clue

♪ What to do

♪ I'm out of ideas

♪ Yet I'm still

♪ Drinking the hours away

♪ But the days

♪ Don't hold much truth

♪ Without the nights

♪ I need with you..

[gasps]

[clatters]

[whimpering]

Johanna.

Johanna.

Johanna!

[baby crying]

I really can't believe it, Malcolm.

-Right, here we go. - Wow!

- Where's he gone? - She turned her dog blue.

If you're very, very good, I'll show..

We've screwed this up.

What are we gonna do, bab?

[door opens]

[door squeaking]

Go on in there, love.

Please enter the adjacent ward.

Please enter the adjacent ward, please.

Have you got it there? You have ain't ya.

- Is it behind your ear? - I haven't got it.

Alright, let me have a look. Here we go.

Have I got another one?

I think I've got another one here.

Mum, please talk to me.

You were my magic, happy girl.

You used to be.

Happy girls shouldn't talk to...

[sighs]

...sad, old, s -- scared women.

You might catch it.

[sniffles]

Budge up, bab.

[sighs]

Bab, don't hurt yourself.

Bastard world will do that for you anyway.

Don't hurt yourself.

Sorry.

[mellow music]

There she is.

Mum! Johanna!

Hiya, bab.

Aw.

- How are you, love? - Yeah, alright.

- Alright? - Yeah.

- There you go. - Hello.

- Mm-hmm. - Hello.

Hello.

He's cool, isn't he? He's not Anthony.

Can I call you Tone? No. Tony.

Right, okay, Tony. Are you watching?

"U2."

What?

You've written what looks like "U2" on your arm.

No, I -- I...

I didn't mean to. The...

It's a typo.

They're -- they're just meant to be bold, agonized slashes.

It looks like you tried to kill yourself for Bono.

[chuckles]

Alright.

Now let's take the bastards into a jazz break.

[drumbeat]

[mellow music]

[vocalizing]

[sighs]

Awake, Wall of Gods.

Speak, feel, breathe, live.

Johanna, we've missed you.

It's good to be awake again.

What month even is it? What have we missed?

I became evil, but it's July now and I'm over it.

- That's wonderful. - Come on, give me five.

[knocking on door]

I'm applying for the job of flatmate.

Well, I want to apply for trainee writer

on whatever it's called, your mag.

Okay, you're hired.

- My going word rate-- - Oh, get off.

Hey, ow! Get off! Krissi! Krissi! Stop it.

You were a nightmare. Don't do it again.

And it stinks of smoke, and mum's gonna kill you.

Hello. Is that Rob Allan, lead singer of The Hallows?

It's Dolly Wilde here.

You've got some nerve calling me.

Have you any idea what you did?

Yes, yes, yes. I know.

That's actually why I'm ringing.

I wanted to apologize to you for the review.

That you are, "A shit-wizard

a weasel in a waistcoat making musical lime scale."

Was wrong. I know that now. Bye.

[sighs]

♪ I'll stand by you

♪ I'll stand by you

♪ Won't let nobody hurt you.. ♪♪

Too old for the children's ward

too young for the adult ward.

Why 16 is the worst age to self-harm.

By Johanna Morrigan.

[vocalizing]

Johanna?

God, you're young.

[laughs]

Come on in.

No, I, I didn't think it was possible to laugh so much

given the subject matter

and cry, obviously, and laugh again.

And we were passing this around the office

like drugs or a baby.

This is what you should be writing.

Do you know what you'd look like

tearing apart records for the music press?

You look like an Olympic swimmer in a bathtub.

But this, this, we would like to run in the next issue.

Why, thank you. Thank you very much, ma'am.

And start you with a monthly column

like a monthly letter from you telling us

what you've been up to. Building a Girl.

Would you like that job?

Ma'am, I am more obligated than I can express.

And are you in fact pretending to be Elvis right now?

No. I -- I think this is me now.

For now.

Good. You're hired.

- Get out. I'm busy. - Okay. Thank you.

[upbeat music]

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

In the last week, I've apologized to 133 bands

for the bad reviews I've written about them.

But there is one person

to who I owe more than just, "I'm sorry."

John!

John.

Mr. Kite.

I promise I won't take more than one minute.

I will talk extra, extra fast.

I should never talk to you again.

I know.

I know. I am so sorry. I have two things for you.

This is the first.

My brother's Fanzine.

That's the original piece I wrote about you.

The one they wouldn't let me print.

That's how I really feel.

The other piece...

...was a terrible, terrible mistake.

- Yeah, well, you sold me, babe. - I know.

That's why the other thing I want to give you is...

...this.

- A tail? - It's my hair.

I tried to think of what would be the ultimate sacrifice

the thing I would be most upset about if I lost it.

Your hair?

I took something of you.

Now I'm giving you something of me.

Come on.

This is all very beautiful

but it's not really about me, is it?

It's about you.

And how in love with the world you are.

Don't stop.

It's your thing.

This is my embarrassment booth.

I'm sorry I tried to kiss you.

Listen, darling, we probably will kiss one day.

That's just statistics, baby.

How will we not end up falling terribly, terribly in love?

It's just the age thing now, babe.

Too young.

- I'm nearly 17. - Ha-ha!

Not you, Duch. Me.

I'm far too young for you. Hopeless.

Love is a big old beast.

And you're gonna be far too busy for it right now.

I am?

I'm gonna move to London when I turn 18.

Go to gay clubs. Buy a piano.

See? You need to go out there and have some adventures.

And I would, uh...

I would like to audition

for the role of your confidant.

I would like the honor of being your friend.

[instrumental music]

You should write a song about me.

No.

[chuckling]

You will. I'm incredibly inspiring.

Hm, nothing rhymes with Johanna.

Nothing rhymes with Layla or Prudence or Sharona.

Oh!

Come on. Let's go and fuck up the next ten years.

[chuckles]

I have school on Monday.

Then we'll fuck it up after 3:30 p.m.

[music continues]

So...what do you do when you build yourself

only to realize you built yourself with the wrong things?

You rip it up and start again.

Build up and tear down.

Endlessly, repetitively, unceasingly.

Invent, invent, invent.

What will eventually be you?

One day, you'll marvel over what you did.

Marvel how you tried to keep

the loud, drunken, laughing

cutting, panicking

unbearably present secret of yourself

when, really, you were just about as secret as the moon.

And as luminous under all those clothes.

And how, like all the best quests

you did it all for a girl, you.

[instrumental music]

♪ I'm a mess I'm a prude ♪

♪ When I trip I don't touch the ground ♪

♪ I moved away came back around ♪

♪ Caught a plane just to figure out ♪

♪ Oh yeah

♪ Oh yeah

♪ How to rule the world

♪ How to build a girl

♪ Got a bucket list I got my plan ♪

♪ ...'cause I'm a man

♪ I'm moving up but I get down ♪

♪ Every time I think about

♪ Oh yeah

♪ Oh yeah

♪ How to rule the world

♪ How to build a girl

♪ It's time I try to be young and alive ♪

♪ Make my mark somehow

♪ Make a mark make a mark take them out somehow ♪

♪ Get my keys take a drag have a drive ♪

♪ Watch me now

♪ Watch me now watch me now ♪

♪ I'm out on my own lighting fires ♪

♪ Getting my kicks and desires ♪

♪ I wanna rule the world I wanna build a girl ♪

♪ However bad it ain't that bad ♪

♪ I've got shoes in the roof above my head ♪

♪ And all my friends we're all the same ♪

♪ Head screwed up but in the right place ♪

♪ Oh yeah oh yeah

♪ We're trying to rule the world ♪

♪ Trying to build a girl

♪ It's time I try to be young and alive ♪

♪ Make my mark somehow

♪ Make a mark make a mark take them out somehow ♪

♪ Get my keys take a drag have a drive ♪

♪ Watch me now

♪ Watch me now watch me now ♪

♪ Watch me now

♪ I'm out on my own lighting fires ♪

♪ Getting my kicks and desires ♪

♪ I wanna rule the world 'cause I just built a girl ♪♪

[instrumental music]

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Hyah

♪ Hyah

[music continues]

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

[music continues]

♪ Oh oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh oh-oh ♪