Original subtitles

# Tick tock, alarm clock I'm gonna be late

# Porridge, toast, kids, car Bloody school gate

# Factory floor, what a chore Another week's graft

- # And 50 times a day I hear - RAY: Are you having a laugh?

# Whatever happened to my dreams? Is this the life I chose?

# The highlight of my ruddy day is when the whistle blows

# When the whistle blows When the whistle blows #

- Oh, I don't like the sound of that. - What's up with you?

There's a story here about the Brazilian rowing team.

They were practising on Amazon, and it's full of piranha fish, and they capsized.

Says in paper they were in danger of having their cocks eaten.

Why would piranhas go for the cocks first?

It doesn't mean what you think it...

The cox is the little fella who sits at back of boat shouting "stroke".

If I were a piranha, I'd draw the line at eating cocks.

It doesn't mean their... Oh, you don't get it, do you?

- I don't get it. - I know you don't get it.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

RAY: Why, what would you go for first if you were a piranha?

I'd probably just have a bag of crisps.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

He'd definitely be interested in a film, yeah. Who else is in it?

Fella who played who?

Harry Potter?

I've never heard of him. What?

Little magical kid with glasses? You know Andy's in his 40s, do you?

That's... Oh, they've got someone for him? Okay.

And how much would... How much would you be paying him?

(EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY)

You got more money than sense, mate.

No, I'm his agent, yeah.

Do you know, I met a bloke once who said he'd love to take me up the Amazon.

What did you say?

Oh, I said, "All right, as long as you're paying."

- What did he say? - Well, he was a bit shocked, to be honest.

- Not surprised. - Yeah, not as shocked as when I told him

I'd only do it if we could take lots of photos to show me mum.

Oh, I've finished.

Knockerty, knock, knock. Hello.

All right? Great show, brilliant show tonight. Very, very funny.

- Yeah. What was your favourite bit? - Um...

- You didn't watch it, did you? -It's not my cup of tea, to be honest.

If I'm being truthful. It's not my thing, I can't get with it.

I'd like to talk some business.

How do you fancy three days with Billie Piper?

- Three days with Billie Piper? - Yeah, good money, you'd be in and out.

- What are you talking about? - Billie Piper, little magical kid with glasses.

- Do you mean Harry Potter? - Yes.

- Who did I say? - Billie Piper.

- I've heard of him. Who's he? - She.

She's an actress. She's in Doctor Who. She was a pop...

- Do you watch television? - Do I watch television?

I have just bought myself a brand-new 52 inch Plasma TV set.

52? That's way too big for your flat.

It is too big, I don't know what I was thinking. It's too bright.

I was wiring it up and David Dickinson came on

and his tan nearly took me eyeballs out. I'm all over the place. I've got headaches.

I've got it in the box now. I'm just watching a little portable.

You don't wanna buy a TV, do you?

- How much did you pay for it? - Three and half grand.

- What would you sell it to me for? - Three and half grand, face value.

Obviously not, I'd just buy a new...

No, you've got to give me a discount. It's secondhand. 1,500 quid.

That's an insult. I would rather smash it up

than give it to you for 1,500 quid. That is pathetic.

- All right, this project, go on. - Well, yeah, big British movie.

Lots of stars. Dame Diana Rigg's in it. All sorts of people.

I know you want to get into movies, so this could be a good in.

Plus, I checked with them straightaway, I said, "Will he still get paid

"even if his performance is crap?" They said yes. So it's a win-win for us.

You didn't ask them that?

Well, because obviously I was worried that if you got the gig

and then they saw the sitcom, they might fire you.

- But they've already seen the show, so... - Oh, they've seen the show?

Because they're in the business and they watch television. They're... Yeah.

- I wonder if they wanna buy a TV. - Don't ask them if they wanna buy a telly.

Right, call them and say yes, I'm interested.

And get Maggie some extra work on it, I don't want to spend three days

with loads of actors I don't know. Nightmare. Call them now.

- Well, I'll call them later. - No, no, call them now.

- Well, I'll call them outside. - Call them in here.

No, you know, I don't want to call them in front of you, and...

- Don't ask them if they want to buy a telly. - Oh, I may as well do it in here, then.

Ridiculous.

So what scene are we starting with?

We're starting with 141. I'll just introduce you to...

Andy, this is Warwick.

- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. - Hi. Good to meet you.

This is my fiancée, Claire.

- Hi. - Hi.

- So, do you know your lines? - Well, I've only got two, but...

- Are you sure all this food's definitely free? - Yes. This is my agent.

- Darren Lamb. Nice to meet you. - Hi.

This is Warwick.

- Where? - There.

Oh! Midget. Hello.

- Babe, I'm gonna get some coffees. - All right. Okay. Thanks.

- What was your name, sorry? -It's Warwick.

Warwick. Funny little name as well to match.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry, Andy, can I just show you where you're gonna be standing?

- Yes. - It won't take a second.

Don't... Yeah.

- Are those your own clothes? - Uh...

- No. - No?

Where do you get your normal clothes from? I mean, what are they?

Are they children's clothes, or are they toy clothes? How does it work?

Like your shoes, for instance. Would they be like a little toy bear's booties?

You sometimes see a toy monkey or something that has little trainers on,

- would you have a pair of them for yourself? - No.

- No? - There are specialist shops,

- and I do a lot of internet shopping. - Internet.

That makes sense. That's clever, yeah.

Could I fit in your house? Would that... How would it work?

- What have you been talking about? - Talking about the internet and stuff.

- Right. - Yeah, this would be a laugh.

Imagine if I followed him home to his tiny little house,

and as he goes up to bed, I put my face up against the window,

like Godzilla, freaking him out or whatever,

or reaching in through the window like King Kong trying to...

- What are you doing? - I'm just having a chat with him.

- Why are you still here? - I'm having a...

- We've got to learn our lines. - All right.

- See you later. - Bye.

(SIGHS)

- Agent? - Idiot.

(WARWICK SOBBING)

Wood-elf, why do you cry?

Blow as I might, my flute makes no sound.

Without my music, the birds cannot sing their morning song.

May I take a look?

Certainly, but I don't know what a boy can do.

Especially one dressed so strangely.

Try it now.

(PLAYING MELODIOUS TUNE)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh, sweet music is born again!

But I am curious. How did you know you'd need such an implement?

Always be prepared.

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, cut there. Thank you. Check the gate.

Can I get a drink of water, please?

- You married? - Yes.

That don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.

- This chair free? - Yeah.

- How you doing? - Okay.

Oh, God, have I still got these on? I don't need these.

They're just for the character.

Even if I did need glasses in real life, you know, I never read.

Right.

Oh!

- Hey? - What?

- Fags. - Yeah.

- You smoke, do you? - Me? Oh, yeah, just a little bit, yeah.

- You? - No.

No, no, no, good girl, good girl, very wise. I've gotta cut down, really.

- I've done it with a girl. - What?

I've done it with a girl. Intercourse-wise.

- So if you're looking for... - WOMAN: Daniel?

Here's my mum. Say they're your fags.

- What you doing? - Nothing.

- She's trying to give me fags. - What? No, I'm not!

You should know better, you're old enough to be his mother.

Yeah, and she was trying to have it off with me.

Oh, well, of course she was, you're bloody gorgeous. Come on, you.

- Makes me sick. - What?

These showbiz dwarves who use their powers to get women out of their league.

- Who, Warwick? - No, Paul Daniels.

Here, if she's into short men, you could be in with a chance.

- I'm not short. - Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not. No, no, 5' 8", average height.

Well, average in your day.

- My day? Born in the '60s. - Early '60s.

- Quite early. - 1960?

- No. -1961?

- That'll be why you didn't grow. - I did grow.

With all the powdered egg and the rationing and everything.

- That was the war. - Yeah, well, whatever.

Do you know what? You've got small man complex.

What's that?

You're bad-tempered, grumpy, you want power and people to respect you.

Oh, like that little famous person. What's his name?

- Begins with an "N". - Napoleon.

Noel Edmonds.

I'm not short. I'm average height and that's...

I can see how it is upsetting for you 'cause there's him...

It's not upsetting.

- He's even smaller than you are... - 'Cause I'm not small.

He is getting all these attractive and beautiful women and...

- We all are. - But you're getting nothing.

Well, no way. I'm getting them.

Well, there was the one that looked like Ronnie Corbett.

- And we know why you went for her. - Why?

- Because she could look you in the eye. - It's not a competition.

It's not like she saw us both and went, "Oh, I'll have the short one."

- Is that you or him? - Him!

See? There's the temper.

I'm saying, if she'd met us both at the same time,

we don't know who she'd have chosen.

- Well, I think I know who she'd have chosen. - Who?

Huh? No, I'm not gonna say because it'd sound arrogant.

I don't wanna... But if she was single and she met us both...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Tell me. - Oh, for... Just think.

- I'm thinking. - Your own thoughts. Stay out of mine.

- Really stodgy, innit? - Honestly, I'm sick of this.

Can we go somewhere nice tonight? My treat, but a proper restaurant.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

All right, then.

- Hey, gang, what we doing? - Just been eating.

Yeah, yeah, sweet. Look, thanks for covering my arse earlier.

- The offer still stands. - What offer?

You know.

I'm gonna go and get a drink. Does anyone want anything?

- I'll have a cup of tea. - Get me a bourbon, would you, babe?

I think it's mostly just teas and coffees and things.

Then get me a cup of joe, would you?

And make it strong. I don't like the weak shit. Oh!

Look, when she comes back, make some excuse and leave us alone, will you?

What you got planned?

- You... You've unravelled it? - Ready for action.

Let's just hope it's big enough.

Um, can I have my johnny back?

"May" I have my johnny back?

- May I have my johnny back? -"Please."

Yeah.

It's not called a johnny, though, is it?

- Durex? - No, that's a brand name.

"May I have back my prophylactic or sheath?"

- May I have my prophylac... -"Tic".

Tic. Prophylactic.

- Can I have it, please? - Yes.

Excuse me. Haven't you forgotten something?

Oh, thank you, Dame Diana.

- Still gonna use it, yeah? - Yeah, that'll be fine.

Lucky girl.

- Hiya. - Hi.

- You're getting married to... - Yeah, yeah.

That's really nice of you.

- It's really nice of me? - Yeah.

Well, me and my friend Andy, Andy Millman, were talking,

and he was surprised that you'd chosen someone like Warwick over...

Well, someone like him, who's... Do you only like small people?

I don't like him because he's small. I like him 'cause he has a nice personality.

Oh, well, that's good then,

because Andy was just saying that if you didn't mind someone who's a little bit taller,

then he's up for it.

Sorry, so your friend is so arrogant, he thinks he just has to give the word

and I would immediately leave my fiancé for him because he's taller?

Do you understand how offensive that is?

- Yeah, it's a bit out of order, isn't it? - It is out of order.

He shouldn't really have said that, should he?

No, he shouldn't have said that.

BOY: Yes!

- This is all right, innit? - Share the wealth.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Yes!

- That kid's doing my head in, though. -It's a lovely place though, eh?

- Bit depressing, though. - Why?

Well, here I am with you, in a nice place, instead of a proper man.

- None taken. - No, I mean like on a date.

The only person with money that finds me attractive is a teenage boy.

Could be worse. He's a film star, he's got his own condom.

- What? - Nothing.

- Excuse me. - Hi.

Hi, I know this isn't really... Could I please get your autograph?

- Yeah. Sure. - Thanks.

- Who's it to? - To Emma.

- No worries. - BOY: Yes!

You can do me a favour, actually. Can you tell that woman to shut her kid up?

It's doing my head in.

- Cheers. - Thanks.

I'll never get used to that.

Why does someone want your name on a piece of paper?

I know, a wee bit weird.

(VIDEO GAME BEEPING)

Oh, she's told them it's you.

(WHISPERING) She's coming over.

Excuse me, I understand you have a problem with me bringing my son into a restaurant?

- If he's like that, yes. - Andy...

- What do you mean, "like that"? - Well, why should we be burdened?

- Andy, don't... - Sorry,

you think that because you're on TV, you can order the rest of the world around?

It's nothing to do with that. But, you know, if he's gonna make that sort of noise...

- It's a restaurant, for God's sake. - That's not my fault, is it?

Well, it is your fault. You decided to have him.

- Of course I decided to have him. - Andy...

You'll be pleased to know we are about to leave anyway.

So I hope you have a wonderful evening,

and that you realise you're a horrible little man.

Ooh. No, I didn't realise it.

- I didn't realise... - I was trying to tell you.

- Oh, why didn't you say something? - I was trying to tell you that...

(GROANS)

Hello, Andy, how's it going, mate? Paul, mate.

I was just passing, want to clear up all this nonsense

about you having a go at Down's syndrome people.

- About what? - We've had this woman come to us,

saying that you were having a go at her kid who's Down's and that.

- Are you a journalist? - Huh?

- Are you a journalist? -Sort of, yeah, just freelance.

Just trying to turn this round, get the truth out there for you.

So what happened? The Down's syndrome's making a racket,

you tell him to shut up, his mum's up in arms.

I didn't tell anyone to shut up.

It's political correctness gone mad. You can't say what you think any more.

- Well, no... - Is that yes? Yeah...

I didn't know he was Down's syndrome.

You're in a restaurant with your girlfriend...

- She's not my girlfriend. - She's a girl who's your friend.

- Yeah. - I'll put girlfriend for the sake of ease.

- She's not my girlfriend. - For sake of shorthand.

She's not my girlfriend.

You're in there, you heard a noise and it was driving you mad?

You can't say "mad" nowadays, can you?

- He was making a noise and I got a little... - Mad? You got mad?

- The mad kid was driving you mad? - I wouldn't say that.

Can't say he's mad nowadays, can you? Or mental?

I wouldn't say he was...

Can you make it clear I didn't know he was Down's syndrome?

- I will, I will. - Write that down.

- Are you actually writing anything? - Yeah, yeah.

So, you complained, the mum came over, she went nuts?

- She was agitated... - So she went mad?

So you could say she was going madder than her son?

- I wouldn't say that, no. - Would you say she was going mental?

- No, I wouldn't... - So you might say mental?

- No, I wouldn't... - Can't say anything nowadays, can you?

- I wouldn't... - If you wanna say "mental", you can't.

- I've got to go. See you later. - Cheers, mate. Cheers, got everything I need.

"In a shocking outburst that will stun comedy fans everywhere,

"so-called TV funny man Andy Millman lost his temper

"and blasted a Down's syndrome child for supposedly ruining his dinner

"at a £100-a-head restaurant."

£100 a head?

Well, it was about 80 quid between us, but go on.

200 quid for a meal for two people! How the other half live.

Sorry, that makes me sick.

"Millman had been glugging red wine with his girlfriend."

- Oh, pissed. - No, I'd had one drink.

- Did you glug it, though? - Did I what?

-It says here you glugged it. - I don't know what glugging is.

(GLUGGING)

Never glug. Always sip a lovely wine. Never glug it.

Can we stop saying "glug"? And I wasn't even drinking red wine.

Maggie was drinking red wine, I had a beer.

"Millman had been glugging red wine

"and let off a tirade of abuse at the innocent child and his stunned mother,

"who he claimed was as mad as her son."

- I didn't say that. - Well, someone did.

"Says mum Maureen Wilson, 'I used to be a fan of Andy's,

'"but after his torrent of hate,

"'if he thinks I'll ever watch his programme again, he's having a laugh."'

She's used the old catchphrase against you. Stitched you up there, it's witty.

Yeah, as if she ever said that.

As if she's making little jokes if she's that angry. She didn't say that.

Sorry, what can we do about this? Can we sue?

I don't think it's worth it.

This sort of thing is tomorrow's fish and chip paper, isn't it?

He's not having fish and chips any more. 200 quid for a meal!

- You'd have trouble doing that a chippie. - You would.

- I didn't spend 200 quid. -It says 230 in this one.

- Lies. - No, it does.

No, I don't mean you're lying, I mean they're lying.

- They make stuff up, don't they? - I don't know about that.

You've never heard of a paper making stuff up?

Of course they do. They made stuff up about you two.

When they said you went into the EastEnders bosses to beg for his job back

and you were on your knees and then you burst into tears.

They made that up.

- Yep. - Didn't they?

Yeah.

Bullshit.

I guess only time will tell. Anything else?

Let's move to this story about the actor Andy Millman.

Who's he?

He's that guy, you know, he does the "Is he having a laugh?"

Yeah, I'm with you. Go on.

Well, he's in a restaurant and he's insulted a Down's syndrome boy.

Both mother and son are completely devastated as it was an unprovoked attack.

- Did he hit him? - Well, it doesn't say.

If he did strike the boy, then he deserves to be banned from television.

(APPLAUSE)

So have you heard about this?

TV actor Andy Millman has hit a Down's syndrome child.

Today we're asking, are celebrities out of control?

Is it one rule for us and another for the rich and famous?

Tony's on the line. What do you make of this Millman character?

What can you say, Nick? It's disgusting. It's absolutely disgusting.

I mean, excuse my French, but I think he's a shit.

No, you're excused in this case because I think you're right.

You know I don't normally tolerate foul language on the air,

but what else can you say about this piece of work?

Well, the thing is, I heard he also hit the mother. Punched her in the face.

He punched the mother? Oh, my God!

Tony, thank you, that gives a whole fresh new life to the story.

Coming up today, what made rising star Andy Millman

punch a defenceless Down's syndrome child

and his elderly, wheelchair-bound mother in the face?

Denise Robertson will be here to speculate.

Plus, Rwanda revisited.

Twelve years after the genocide, a harrowing report

from Big Brother 2 winner, Brian Dowling.

Andy, quick, come here, come here, look, look!

Oh! What the...

Thank you so much for having me on. It's great to be able to clear the air.

I know there's been a lot of press speculation and so on.

- What's he doing? - Well, I spoke to Andy,

and he's explained everything to me, and the truth is this.

He is successful now, and he wanted to go to a classy restaurant, you know,

- as I'm sure you sometimes want to. - Sure.

As he said to me, you know, he's got some cash now,

he does not want to have to associate with riff-raff, and why should he?

So, he's gone in this posh restaurant with his friend

and there is a mother in there with her kid, and her kid's making a load of noise,

load of racket and it's just ruining it for everyone, you know.

And he's obviously furious, Andy, because he's paying through the nose for this grub.

I mean, it's silly money. And so he complains to the mother,

and they get into this ruck, and the thing is he didn't realise

that the kid was, you know, mentally deranged, or whatever,

because he could only see him from behind.

And I defy anyone to be able to identify, from behind,

you know, one of these mongoloids.

I'm sorry, a mongoloid?

No, I mean, if you had a bunch of people lined up over there, you know,

and one of them was a mongoloid and they had their backs to you,

I defy anyone to be able to tell which one it was.

I think I could.

Big words, Richard, but I don't think you could.

No, I'm sorry, I think I could.

Can we try and sort that out for tomorrow, you know, just get a few in?

I don't think we can do that, Richard.

Oh, come on, Judy, let's see. It'll be interesting.

It would be interesting.

Darren, thank you very much.

Thank you. Oh, but before I go, do you remember Barry off EastEnders?

- Yes. - Do you remember Barry?

Well, he's recorded a CD, did it in his garage. And it's only available on the internet.

It's Barry singing songs from the shows.

- He's got a lovely voice, Richard, really. - Yeah, yeah.

- The great thing about it is... - Good, well, that's sorted that out.

- At least I've got my best man on it. - I said to him, you know,

you say something's for charity, doesn't matter if it's a load of old tat,

it'll go straight to the top of the charts and then...

Yeah, can I have The Sun newspaper, please?

ANDY: Um... Okay, thanks, thanks, everyone.

Now, Dougie, I asked your mum

what's the one thing you'd most like in the whole world,

-and she said an X-Box. Is that right? - Yes.

Okay, so what have we got here, then?

Yes! Thank you.

Do you apologise then, Andy?

It wasn't a case of an apology. It was a misunderstanding,

- so no apology necessary. - The X-Box is apology enough.

It's not an apology, but, you know...

- And you're happy with that, then? - I am, thank you.

Very happy.

- And can I just say, as a further apology... - It's not an apology.

I've been talking to Maureen and we both agree it would be appropriate

for Andy to donate to a charity of Maureen's choosing his entire fee

for the film that he's currently working on, after agency deductions.

JOURNALIST: Well, that's very generous. It's a lovely surprise.

It is a surprise, big surprise.

- Hi. - Oh, hiya.

Hi.

Well, you know who I am, what's your name?

- Erm, my name's Claire. - Claire.

You've got a lovely necklace on, Claire.

Thank you, that's very nice, thanks.

Would you... Do you fancy dinner? Are you free tonight?

I'm not, actually, no. No, I'm engaged.

Well, um, tomorrow?

No, thank you, no, I won't. I won't go out for any meal with you. Yeah.

- Not even brunch? - No, not even brunch.

Hey, Maggie, listen. I'm gonna cut to the chase

because I respect you too much to bullshit you.

- It's over, yeah? - Sorry?

It's over between us. I don't want tears. That's the kind of guy I am.

You knew that going in.

I just think it's better we end things now before you fall in love with me any deeper.

You knew it wasn't forever, I said it was playtime, we had some laughs,

but I cannot be tied down to one chick.

Okay.

And I don't wanna waste this on you. Got a better bird now.

Well, thanks for your honesty.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- Something to remember me by. - You brushed your teeth today?

- Yes! - Yes, that was...

- WARWICK: Oi, Radcliffe. - What?

- What have you been up to? - Nothing.

Don't lie. You've been chatting up my fiancée.

- She's just told me. - Mum.

Don't call for your mum. You were chatting up my bird,

so act like a man and deal with the consequences.

- I was just... - I was just... Na-na-na-na!

You speccy little git.

- These aren't real glasses. - You're a speccy git.

- Leave him alone. He's just a boy. - I'm 17.

- And what's this gotta do with you? - He's doing nothing, is he?

Oh, don't stick your big nose in, love.

- All right, calm down. - Oh, you!

I'm glad you're here 'cause you had the same idea.

What?

I know you sent your little mate in here to do your dirty work for you,

trying to undermine me.

- What have you done? - Nothing.

- What have you done? - You think it's okay, do you?

Trying to steal my fiancée?

- I don't know what you... - You shit!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

- What do you think I've got this ring for? - I don't know, you're a hobbit?

You fat shit!

Look, I don't know what the rules are for fighting a midg... Try that one.

That usually works in cartoons. What are you doing?

Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no.

Accidental knee.

- CLAIRE: Oi, what are you doing? - Lucky shot.

- What have you done? - He was going mad at me. The face...

Babe, babe, babe. Sweetheart, Warwick, Warwick.

- Is he not... - Sweetheart, Warwick.

- He's breathing. Oh, it's all right. - I can see he's breathing.

Warwick? You all right? Sweetheart, sweetheart.

Have you still got that cat suit from The Avengers?

CLAIRE: What happened?

Go away, Daniel.

ANDY: His eyes are open. Right, okay, let's move on now, come on.

Remember that charity that you promised to give half of your film fee to?

You mean the charity you promised to give half my film fee to?

That we agreed to give some money to.

Well, they're basically quite keen to get hold of the cash...

Well, I was kicked off the film. There is no fee.

But they're expecting the money. We've got to give it to them.

They don't know what the fee was for the film, do they?

They do. They do, 'cause I mentioned it to them.

I've got to give them wages I haven't even earned?

It's okay, we can pay the money we owe from the money we get for the sitcom.

- How much is it? - It's about half.

- Half an episode? - Well, half the whole series.

I've got to give them half my wages for the entire series?

You're the one who insulted the kid with...

I didn't insult him, I didn't know he was...

You must have upset him in some way 'cause you made it into the papers.

Talking of the papers, you've made quite a splash again,

but annoyingly, they didn't sort of go with the giving the kid an X-Box angle.

What did they go with?

"TV Bully Kicks Dwarf In Face."

Accurate. But as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

-"Pick On Someone Your Own Size, Fatty." - Oh, maybe there is.

This is the worst one.

"Suicide Bombers Get Lotto Funding." Look at that.

- What's that got to do with me? - Well, nothing, it's just shocking, isn't it?

What they're up to. Oh, no, actually, what am I talking about?

This is the worst one in The Mail. "Gypsies Are Eating Our Pets."

(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)

Ooh.

(STAMMERING) Yeah, I know, it's number three.

Damn!