Original subtitles

Maybe I'm stupid,

maybe the jury's stupid.

So many things don't add up.

You say you were in a restaurant,

you ate alone, but no one remembers you.

And the flowers,

the flowers.

It seems very odd that you would send your wife flowers and not include a card.

Whenever I sent my wife flowers, I always wrote a card.

Objection!

- When did you ever send me flowers? - I sent you flowers.

Name me one occasion when you sent me flowers?

- After your mother died. - A wreath doesn't count.

- Of course it does. - Does that count?

(MURMURING)

- My Lord, does that count? - It's still flowers.

You asked when did I ever send you flowers.

- Let's stick to the facts, shall we? - Shove your facts and your flowers...

(GAVEL POUNDING)

Order! Order!

I order you to kiss and make up.

- My Lord? - My Lord?

You heard me.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

And cut there. Thank you, everybody. Thank you very much, guys.

MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, cut there, thank you. Thanks, Pete.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Hello? - All right?

- Hey, how you doing? - Nervous.

- Why? - Big night, innit?

- Why, why, what's happened? - Filming the sitcom.

- What sitcom? - My sitcom. You're coming down.

Oh, yeah. I thought that was next week.

No, it's tonight, 7:30. Then every Thursday for six weeks.

- Put it in your diary. - I haven't got a diary.

-It's a figure of speech. - You doing a speech?

Well, this has been helpful. I'm glad I called.

Listen, let me know how it goes, eh?

- You're coming down. - Oh, right then. Well, what time does it start?

- 7:30. - All right then. Bye.

All right, cheers.

Thank you.

- All right, see you later. Bye, yeah. Hiya. - Hi.

- What were you rolling your eyes at? - Just all that lot.

All, ooh, fawning all over you. That must get a bit exhausting, eh?

Yeah, it can be pretty exhausting, yeah.

Well, especially 'cause they're just doing it 'cause you're famous.

Well, they're not doing it just 'cause I'm famous, though.

- Well, it is, though, innit? - No, it's my looks as well.

Hmm. I just don't think that they would be acting like that if you weren't a film star.

Yeah, they pretty much would, yeah. I've always had attention.

No, well, all I'm saying is, like, if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored.

What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored.

I'll tell you who does get ignored. Johnny Depp.

On the set of Pirates of the Caribbean the birds just walk straight past him,

"Get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando."

- They're round me like flies round shit. - They ignore Johnny Depp?

Yeah. They're going, "Oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?"

I'm going, "It's Johnny Depp," you know,

and they're going, "Who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings."

"Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies.

"Oh, I've got scissors for hands." Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker.

MAN OVER RADIO: Okay, stand by, everybody. Stand by, thank you.

Hey, buddy!

- All right? How's it going, all set? - I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.

- No? - This is not the comedy I set out to do.

I wanted something real that people would relate to and it's all changed

- because people have stuck their nose in. - Yeah, I'm hearing you.

But do you know what, this is typical first-night nerves, all right?

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Oh, the script's not funny."

You know, "It's crass, it's lowest common denominator."

And, you know, you're right.

But don't worry about it because people will watch anything, all right?

Particularly if it's on after EastEnders and they ain't got to change the channel.

Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war,

and, you know, ratings in the end are what count.

- And merchandise. - Well, it's not what counts for me, all right?

I wanted to write a good credible comedy that would stand the test of time.

Yeah, I know. I agree, I was just saying that

'cause that's what I thought you wanted me to say.

Well, don't. Tell the truth.

I will, and the truth is, if you're not happy, I'm right behind you.

- Right. - And I've got the perfect replacement.

- For what? - For you, for your character. It's only Barry.

(ANDY SIGHING)

- All right, Shaun? - He's all set, knows all the lines,

he's ready to go, can step in. What's your character's catchphrase?

It's not a catchphrase. It's something the real Ray used to actually say.

What was it?

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

Look at that, nothing, stony face.

And I love a giggle me. I love a laugh, don't I? You do it.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

(LAUGHING) It's good, innit? I don't know how he comes up with it.

- He didn't come up with it. - Yeah.

The thing about Barry is, and I've noticed this, right,

people will laugh at him, they never laugh with him. It's extraordinary.

Look at that face.

There's a sort of undercurrent of tragedy to it, isn't there? Do it.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

- I love it, because he's desperate. - Yeah, the role's taken, cheers.

- Pardon us. Hello, how's it going? All right? - Yeah, everything all right?

- I think so. Damon? - Yeah, everybody's in.

Rehearsals should kick off about twenty past.

- Right. - Just one teeny-incy-winsy-little hiccup,

Paul Shane's dropped out.

- Why? - He was worried it was a little bit too broad.

Paul Shane thinks this is too broad? Right.

Well, it's only a little part, isn't it? And we've got a replacement, Keith's on his way.

- Keith? - Keith Chegwin.

Keith Chegwin? Can he act? He's a TV presenter, isn't he?

We thought it'd add a nice little bit of extra kitsch value.

Yeah, great.

- See that, that does annoy me a little bit. - Why?

Well, if you're looking for a podgy fella who'll do anything to get on the telly, Barry.

You were trying to get him my part a minute ago.

Well, he's versatile. He's multi-talented.

You never even saw his one-man version of Romeo and Juliet.

Do a bit for them. It was brilliant.

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

Oh, I gave thee mine before thou didst request it,

and yet I would it were to give again.

- Always gets me, that bit. Well done. - All right, okay.

- Maggie. Hello. - Oh, hi.

You're not still an extra are you? Oh, God, that must do your head in.

You know I'm an actress now? How long have you been an extra?

- Supporting artist. - How long have you been doing that now?

I only did it about 18 months and then I was plucked out of the cesspool.

- No disrespect. - None taken.

I've got a scene later with Orlando Bloom.

- Ah. - He's gorgeous.

Well... I just did a scene with him.

No, but yeah, I mean, I've got an actual scene with dialogue,

not just a fuzzy blob in the background.

- No disrespect. - None taken, again.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Oh, hang on. Oh, it's Matty Bowers.

- I've just got to take this. -It's okay.

Hello, darling.

Listen, listen... No, Matt, can I just call you back?

- Sorry I'm just with a friend. - It's all right. I'm all right.

Yes, she is female.

Oh, he says can I take a picture of you? Hold on a sec, hang on.

(CAMERA PHONE CLICKING)

I'll text it to you. You're a dirty old man. Bye.

Actually, he's not old. He's 28 and he's got his own yacht.

- Oh. Oh. - He's quite a catch.

So where you living at the moment? Have you got your own place?

- Yes, I've got my own place. - 'Cause you were renting before.

That grotty little council place behind Londis.

- Yeah, I'm still there. - You're well, though?

- Surprisingly. - Yeah, well, that's the main thing, yeah.

Even if you've got nothing else, at least you've got your health, eh?

- At the moment. - Yeah.

Talking of bad luck. Did you hear about Barbara?

Trevor's left her for a younger model. She is devastated, honestly, all alone,

crying herself to sleep every night in that big house.

She has got her own house, at least, which is something.

Good for her.

(MOBILE BEEPING)

Oh, that'll be Matty.

Oh. No.

Never mind.

Oh, he's late again. Alfie's going to be in so much trouble.

Well, I'm not carrying the can for him again.

Well, there's no excuses this time. Mr Stokes said if he's late one more time,

he's gonna give him the brush off.

Oh, here he is. Alfie, not again.

- Why are you late? - Because I buried me sister today!

Yep, great. Let's move on. Next scene.

Sorry, I don't want to interfere. Is that how he's gonna do it?

Because it's meant to be a sad line, "I buried my sister today."

He was smiling. It's got to be an emotional...

- Hang on, everyone. - Sorry, Keith, can we try that again?

You were smiling, mate, it's...

They all sort of think you're a joke 'cause you're always late,

but today you've got a valid reason, you buried your sister.

It's sort of like a... Oh, it's like an emotional point in the show.

- Could we do it again? - Yeah, no worries.

Okay, sorry.

You're smiling again. You mustn't smile, you're sad. Okay?

You've just been to a funeral.

Okay, in you come.

Alfie, not again. Why are you late?

Because I buried my sister today.

Don't look at the camera.

- You mustn't look at the camera. - Sorry.

- Okay? - Yeah.

It sort of breaks the illusion this is real life.

- Right. - Go again.

Okay, in you come, action.

You're smiling. Sad.

You looked straight at the lens again. Good, double whammy, and again.

Action.

- Alfie, not again. Why are you late? - Because I...

We can't see you, Keith, you've gone too far, okay?

You've got to stay on that mark, the blue mark down there,

that's for you to stand on 'cause that's where the camera is pointing

and then we can see your face.

So, just to recap, come in, not smiling 'cause you're sad

'cause you just buried your sister, don't look at the camera

and stand on that mark so we can see you on the telly.

Okay?

- There's a lot to remember, isn't there? - There is a lot to remember.

There is a lot to remember. It's called acting. Okay, okay, action.

Sad!

Too far, left a bit, don't look at me! Okay, ask him the question.

- Why are you late? - Because my sister buried me today.

Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?

- That'd be mental! - Oh, sorry, I get so confused.

- The thing is my sister's not dead. - What?

I told them when I started, me sister, she's not dead.

- Do you mean in real life? - Yeah.

Presumably you don't work in a factory in real life?

- No. - And your name's not Alfie.

Yeah, you see, that's another thing.

Sometimes I don't know who's talking to who.

Would you rather be called Keith in this?

It would help.

Okay, everyone, we're changing Keith's character name from Alfie to Keith.

Okay? Good. Let's go again.

This time, then. Okay, in you come, Keith.

- Keith me or Keith the character? - Same person!

Keith... Okay, Keith you and Keith the character,

all-in-one Keith, okay, in you come. Action!

- The door's stuck. - That's lunch!

Okay. No, okay, bye. Bye.

Yeah, just a call to do a small part in a film, but I just had to let them down,

- I'm too busy. - Aw.

- Oh, I wonder if they'd want you. - No, I wouldn't have thought so.

- No, hang on, let me give them a call. - No, no.

Try and help my bloody mates. You need the help.

- But I'm not even a proper actress. - Hang on.

Hiya, Pauline. Listen, about that job, I've got a friend who's available.

Does she have to be good looking? Does she? Oh.

Oh, I don't know, late 30s, early 40s.

- I'd say mousy. - Blonde.

But lovely girl, great personality, desperate for anything.

No. All right, well, I tried. Okay, cheers.

Oh, sorry about that.

-It's not your lucky day. - No.

- You okay? - Yeah.

MAN: Come on, up you go.

- All right? - Yeah.

I'm back again.

Fourteen years I did here at the BBC.

Swap Shop, Cheggers Plays Pop, all sorts.

Still run by Jews and queers, is it?

- It's what? - This place.

Still run by your Jews and queers?

I think there are some Jewish people and some gay people, yeah.

Gay!

Yeah, I forgot, you're not meant to say "queer", are you?

Suggests something abnormal.

What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse?

And put it this way, if God had wanted a cock up an arse,

he wouldn't have given us minges.

Men have knobs,

women have fannies.

Pop knob in fanny,

not up the arse.

Good. I should be making notes.

- You what? - Nothing. It's... It's all good advice.

- Hi. - Hello again.

- What are you reading? - Oh, just Hello!

Oh, yeah, heat.

- Oh, no, I don't believe it. - What is it?

Just Top 5 Sexiest Film Stars, for God's sake.

- Are you in it? - Number one.

- Stupid. What do they mean, these lists? - Nothing really.

Don't slag them off. It's their opinion. Just...

Oh, no. Look at this woman magazine.

"I'm having an affair with my brother-in-law's ghost"?

No, that. Women's Top Ten Fantasy Snogs. Number one again.

What's that thing about the ghost?

"My, um... My husband's brother's ghost visits me at night

-"and I think I'm falling in love with him." - Do they have sex?

Well, it doesn't say. But it doesn't matter, does it?

Look, we were looking at the Number One Fantasy Snog For Women.

Number one, Orlando Bloom.

Oh, better not show this to Johnny Depp. He's only number four.

Really? He'd be my number one.

Well, you'd be wrong, wouldn't you? I'm number one, there's the proof.

It was the same on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Me and Keira Knightley do a kissing scene, I do a brilliant take, everyone claps,

the director goes, "That was amazing."

Keira goes, "Oh, can we just do that kissing bit again?"

Well, I know what she's up to.

And I tease her, and I go, "if you wanna kiss somebody,

"why don't you kiss Johnny Depp?"

She goes, "Don't make me fucking sick. I'm gonna vomit if you carry on like that."

Why do you keep talking about Johnny Depp?

I don't keep talking about him. I never talk about him, he's boring.

He's a prat. Where I'm from, he wouldn't last five minutes.

- He'd get a smack straightaway. - Where are you from?

- Haply-on-the-Wold, near Royal Windsor. - Oh.

But they're all subjective, though, those lists, though, aren't they?

Well, no. Obviously, lam objectively really good-looking.

But it's not objective, is it?

Personally, I think you're a wee bit...

What's that? You winding me up?

- Come out for a drink later. - I can't, I'm meeting my friend.

Come out for a coffee with me, you know. Come on.

Just get to know me, get to know the normal me,

take a better look and, you know, see the attractiveness.

But I don't think you are.

Liar.

- Try them on. - Bit wacky, aren't they?

Big glasses are funny.

- The real Ray didn't even wear glasses. - Put them on.

- That's funny. Do the catchphrase. - It's not a catchphrase.

- It's something he actually used to say. - Do it.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

- Now the wig. - What about that one?

- It looks ridiculous. - That looks funny.

- He didn't even have curly hair. - Curly is funny.

- What do you mean, curly is funny? - Curly hair is funny.

Harpo Marx, Leo Sayer.

I can name you loads of people with curly hair that aren't funny.

Starsky from Starsky and Hutch, Jim Morrison.

- Blacks. - Don't say blacks.

- What shall I say? - Say black people.

- Okay, black people aren't funny. - Black people are funny, Keith.

Name one black person that's funny.

I can name you loads of black people that are funny. Dave Chappelle,

- Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy. - English.

Don't change the rules half way through.

There are loads of funny English black people, too.

Who?

Um...

Um...

MAN OVER RADIO: Paul on two, Paul on two.

- Good news. - Oh, more good news. Excellent.

Right, Eddie Osbourne, electrician.

He split up with his wife a while ago and he's back on the market.

- Lovely guy, just your type. - Really?

Sweet guy. He's a lovely guy. Interested?

- Yeah. - Great. Eddie?

Yo!

This is her.

(EXHALING)

- No? Oh, never mind. - Not bothered.

I just don't know where you're going wrong.

- Right. Kiss me. One kiss, come on. - No.

One kiss, just let me show you how I do it. No tongues if you don't want.

Right. If it's gonna shut you up.

(BLOOM SIGHS)

- Well? - Not really my cup of tea.

Sorry about that.

You're in this club, this vision walks up.

She says, "Hi, handsome, wanna buy me a drink?"

- What do you say? - I say, "I'm not made of money."

Oh, you're never gonna get a woman like that.

No, I don't want a woman like that.

Go on, be nice to her, caress her hair.

No, don't pat her, she's not a dog.

She must be a dog if she's going out with him. Oh!

Oh, Mr Stokes.

I'm sorry, um...

- Maybe waggle the glasses? - I'm not sure about the glasses.

Oh, you've got to have the glasses, it's hysterical.

- I don't think so. - It's definitely funnier with the glasses.

- Oh, yeah, it is, I agree. - There's a surprise.

Well, I'm sorry that my presence here as head of comedy irritates you,

but I've been in this business a lot longer than you,

and my opinion will be heard because I'm the man with the money.

- It's not your money, though, is it? - No,

but I'm entrusted to make sure that it's spent correctly.

Oh, we'll make sure it's spent correctly, which is apparently on funny glasses.

I'll just take five, right?

- Yes. - Yeah, all right.

- Oh, do you mind if I take these for later on? - No.

Can I just say that I know what you're going through?

My character on EastEnders, he started out as an interesting three-dimensional person,

but then over the years the writers turned him into a joke,

and that's why I walked away, you know, it wasn't what I wanted to do.

And I know some people look at me now and say I was a fool

but I know that I walked away with my integrity and my pride intact.

I just think you've gotta do what you think is right.

- Iain, can I have a word? - Yeah, what is it?

This isn't the comedy I set out to make, okay? In fact, I think it's awful.

Yeah, well, shall we not do this here, shall we go up to my office...

No, I don't care who hears what I've got to say

because I'm at that point now. Everyone's interfered, it's embarrassing.

I don't want to get on television for the sake of it.

I don't want to be famous for the sake of it. I want to do something that I'm proud of.

And I won't be proud of shouting out catchphrases

in a stupid wig and funny glasses.

I wanna do what I wanna do, otherwise I'll hate myself for the rest of my life.

And I tell you what, a case in point.

Shaun, on EastEnders, they started to turn his character into a joke

and he walked away at the top of his game. That's called integrity.

Okay, it doesn't matter what happens to him now 'cause he's got his dignity.

- Shall I... - Leave it.

So basically, I'm not gonna prostitute myself any more, or my work, okay?

I'm just sick of people coming along, telling me how they think it should be done

and me just having to bend over and take it up the arse.

Ah! Oh, sorry, can we just say no disrespect to either of you as gays?

You know, we don't know if you're givers or receivers,

very difficult to tell just from looking at you.

Although if I was putting money on it, I'd probably go...

We don't need to put money on it.

(CLEARING THROAT)

You've heard what I've got to say.

Right, well, thank you for telling us how you feel.

So here's how I see things going forward.

You can either carry on and record this show as we've already planned,

or you can pull the plug, waste everybody's time and hard work,

waste the thousands of pounds we've already spent so far,

burn all your bridges with the BBC and you can go back to being an extra

and then you can work your way back up again from nothing.

What do you want to do?

- Well... - What do you want to do?

Sitcom.

This can be good. That's what I've been trying to say.

This... Finish this off, 'cause it can...

I don't wanna let people down. I wanna get on with this. I wanna get this on the telly.

And then in the future, maybe look at doing it the way I wanted to do it.

- Yeah, or not. - Or not, see how it goes.

That's all I wanna...

- Right. Yeah. - Yeah?

- Okay. - Good.

- Andy? - Yeah?

- Don't forget your... - Glasses.

Right.

- Hi. - Cutting it a bit fine, aren't you?

I know, sorry I'm late.

- Everything all right? - Yeah.

- No first-night nerves? - No, no, no.

I actually had to kick a bit of arse earlier 'cause I was getting sick of all this,

-"Is it a good comedy? Is it a bad comedy?" - Yeah.

I just went, "Look, it's a good comedy if it pleases people.

"Can we get on with it?" Do you know what I mean?

I think comedy should be as broad as possible,

so you take everyone in. I want the whole family to like this.

- I want four-year-olds to like this. - They will.

Do you know what I mean? And if it doesn't stand the test of time, so what?

Do something else, but, you know, bring as much joy into the world as you can.

- That's all. - Yeah, well, as long as you're happy.

I'm happy if people are happy.

- Are you definitely gonna do this? Yeah? - Yeah.

- You're definitely gonna go on and... - Yes.

Yeah.

- Forget it, Barry, he's gonna do it, mate. - Fuck.

I know. I'm as annoyed as you are, man.

Bloody hell, Rita, you look terrible. Life as a single mum getting to you?

I was up till 2:00 am doing me daughter's science homework.

Did you know that Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin

when he found mould on some old bread he'd left out?

Oh, he should look under Gobbler's bed, he'd find a new species.

He'd find a new species if he looked in Gobbler's bed.

- I don't get it. - You don't get it?

I've been without a man so long, I think I'd say yes if Ray asked me out.

- My ears are burning. - Maybe I can last a few more years.

Morning, campers. Well, congratulations are in order.

You all successfully clocked in on time this morning,

you just forgot to start bloody work!

Steady on, Mr Stokes, we've been comforting Rita.

She's been up all night trying to get her head round some fella called Alexander.

Oh, lucky beggar.

- No one who works here I hope. - No, he's dead.

You cooked for him as well? He he!

Oh, Mr Stokes, will you be nice to her?

(MUMBLING)

Well, Rita, I know you've had your problems, but I want you to know this.

- The door to my office is always open. - Thank you, Mr Stokes.

Yeah, I think it's the bloody hinges. Get off your arse and fix it, will you?

- I haven't got any tools. - You're joking? You've got two right here.

Gobbler's a complete spanner.

I don't get it.

What Mr Stokes has cleverly done, with recourse to a pun,

is take Rita's usage of the word "tool",

a device that performs manual or mechanical work,

and transpose its meaning into the vulgar, slang definition of "tool",

meaning the male reproductive appendage.

Are you having a laugh? Is he having a laugh?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You're having a laugh!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

He is having a laugh.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Ooh. You're having a laugh.

RITA: Oh, I got a letter back from the dating agency.

- Yeah, this guy replied, sent me a picture. - My word.

RITA: Before you ask, it was taken on his allotment,

and, yes, he did win first prize.

(TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN BY CAT STEVENS PLAYING)