Original subtitles

- Boo, boo, boo, boo

Boo, boo, boo, boo

Boo, boo, boo, boo

Boo, boo, boo, boo

Boo, boo, boo, boo

Boo, boo, boo, boo

- [laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy! - Aaaaaaah!

- Duncan! - Duncan!

- [grunts] Eight!

- [grunts] Nine!

- Don't let it hit the ground.

- [grunts] Ten!

- [grunts] 11.

- Ooh, that was close. 12!

- 13!

- Yes! 13 years

until Duncan dies.

- Nice. That's longer than the Earth has.

- All right. Let's see how long I have left.

[grunts] One! [text alert jingle]

Aw, man.

- I gotta go. We're taking my mom

out for Mother's Day.

- My mom's taking me to buy a PlayStation,

because I made her a mom. Now that's love.

- I got my grandma a new hat for church.

It's made from 100% beer box.

- That'll match her bottlecap earrings. Cool.

[wolves snarling]

- They've come for me. The milk jug was right.

[groans] Good-bye, old friends.

both: No!

- I'll handle this.

[wolves snarling and growling]

Aroo. [growls]

- Oh, man. I wish I could talk to animals.

- So it's basically a circus picture

set during the Depression

where we're just trying to bring happiness

to Americans in the Dust Bowl.

- Well, I think we have a clip. You want to set it up?

- Actually, could I just eat your band?

- Heh. I don't know. What do you think, folks?

[cheers and applause]

Go for it.

[snarling] [all screaming]

All right, tomorrow night, I play hide and seek

with the cast of "Riverdale."

Good night! [cheers and applause]

Wait, what's the Dust Bowl?

- So where are we going for Mother's Day?

You know I pretend to hate surprises.

- Nice try, honey, but we're not telling.

Duncan, blindfold her. Kimberly, spin her around.

Jing, disorienting noises.

- Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing.

Brrrrrrr. Awoo!

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- All right, now that your equilibrium's out of whack,

let's go for a long car ride.

- [sniffs] Mmm!

Sugary pizza sauce, garlic powder,

unlimited iceberg lettuce!

Are we at Dimaggio's Restaurant?

- You guessed it!

[instrumental Italian music]

- [gasps] - Which means

we're right next door to...

[machinery whirring] all: Toby's Paintball!

Happy Mother's Day!

- What on Earth made you think of this?

- Remember how you said painting Jing's room

was a ball?

- No. - Well, ta-da!

- So why did you tell me to wear my best dress

and get my hair done?

- For the surprise, silly.

If I told you to wear coveralls and combat goggles,

you would've guessed it!

- I don't think I would have.

[rapid paintball gunfire] [grunting]

Jack, these coveralls are a man's morbidly obese.

Ugh, and they're still warm.

- All right, here's the plan.

We're gonna form a human shield around your mother

because this is her day and we love her.

No matter what happens, we stick together.

[buzzer sounds]

Run!

[dramatic music]

- [groaning]

[paintball gunfire] [grunting]

- Don't just stand there, Mom!

You're embarrassing us!

[splatting] - [grunting]

- Sorry, Mom. Trigger's jammed.

- [grunting]

[screams] Oh!

[melancholy music]

[groans in slow motion]

[elongated] Happy Mother's Day!

[splatting]

- Okay, you captured your flag,

and I've got memories

and bruises to last a lifetime. Let's go.

- But I paid for 12 more rounds.

- [sighs] Look, I really appreciate it,

but I need to get home and ice my thigh welts.

- Totally understand.

It's your day. You should get what you want.

Here's the keys, we'll Uber when we're done.

The gas tank's on E, so only go downhill.

[somber music]

[laughter]

[all laughing and cheering]

[car engine rumbling]

[beeping]

- [whimpers]

[grunting]

Hm.

[machinery whirring]

- [grunting]

- Wolf?

- [groaning]

[grunts]

Hey, Mrs. Harris. Black tie paintball event?

Nice.

- What are you doing here?

- My mom's out of town, so I'm showering

and doing laundry. - Your mother's not here

for Mother's Day?

- Her and her boyfriend are gone for a month.

It's looting season in Tornado Alley,

and they need a new flatscreen.

- Ooh, if they find a stand mixer--

Oh, God, what am I saying?

- Foil-wrapped hot dog, perhaps?

- No... Well, yes.

Hey, hey! Take the foil off.

It'll taste better.

- Wow. You're a great chef,

and a great mom. Thank you.

- Wha--you don't know

how nice that is to hear.

- Well, time for bed.

Later.

[grunts]

- Wait, you're gonna sleep in that tree?

- I'm sorry. Were you planning to?

- Hmm... [bees buzzing]

- Wolf, wait!

[upbeat rock music]

[paintball gun whirring]

[grunting]

both: Awesome!

- It's so nice of Toby to offer these for $49.95.

- Mom, where have you been? We're hungry.

Did you bring any food?

- I brought something better than food.

A motherless child.

- Hey, Wolf. - [shrieks]

Why would you do this to me?

[grunts] Ow!

- Okay, let's get you settled in.

- I don't know about having Wolf stay here, Annie.

He's a wild child.

He's like Nell in that movie, "Nell."

Remember? Chickapay!

T'ee an ween! Chickapay!

- Jack, this is nothing like Nell.

This is "The Blind Side."

I want to help Wolf.

He's unappreciated, taken for granted.

No one took him to Dimaggio's,

even though he put on his best dress

and watched six YouTube tutorials on the perfect updo.

- Wait a minute, did you not enjoy

your Mother's Day paintball surprise?

You know what, that's our fault.

It was thoughtless of us

not to give you more time to practice!

Before we go next year, we'll set up a course

in the backyard, and-- - No.

I am not spending another Mother's Day

having paint shot at me, or up me.

Also, breakfast in bed does not involve a power bar.

- Okay, I blew Mother's Day, but...

how about Mother's Night?

Mm?

Ew! You're all welty!

What happened? - [groans]

- [sadly] Chickapay...

- What is this, Father's Day?

- Good morning.

- What are you doing in that getup?

- What are you talking about?

I always dress like this.

[clears throat] Whoa...

Steady... [grunts]

Move, Duncan! You're good, Wolf.

Move!

Oh, hey, Wolf. [giggles]

I forgot you were staying here.

- Hey. - Oh, my God, Wolf.

You are so funny. [laughs]

- [sniffs] Smells great, Annie.

You know I love a good breakfast brat.

Owie! - Ah-ah-ah.

That's for our special guest.

There's bulk cereal for the rest of you.

- There's no toy at the bottom.

- Yes, there was. I gave it to Wolf.

- My precious...

- I usually just chew gum for breakfast.

Thanks, Mrs. Harris.

- Oh, did you hear that, everybody?

An attitude of gratitude.

When people say "thank you,"

you just want to do more for them.

Here's some allowance, you lucky duck.

- Wha-- But--

He didn't even forget to take out the trash.

- Okay, Wolf, we've got a full day

of "Blind Side"-ing ahead of us.

I'll teach you some lessons about life,

but maybe you'll teach me the greatest lesson of all.

- Yeah. How to build bird traps.

- Ew. - Not for killing.

For learning their songs. - Oh.

- Sorry, Mom. Wolf and I

are gonna get our bikes and see how many

burning trash barrels we can jump.

Our record is almost one.

- Nope.

Everybody in the car.

- [groans] - I call Wolf Shotgun!

- Get back here.

You and I are gonna stay behind

and clean all the dishes for your mom,

because we love her. - Hmm.

[door closes]

- Okay, here's what we're really doing.

We have to get your mom a better gift.

Apparently she did not enjoy

being pelted by paint in her best dress.

- What about the dishes? - Your mother will get those.

["Werewolves of London"]

[whistle blows]

[players shouting] - Yep. Got it.

[players shouting]

- [gasps] [players grunting]

[bird chirps]

- [laughs]

[yelling]

- Uh!

[laughs] [bird chirping]

Ooh, ow, get out! Get outta here!

- All right, so what are we gonna get Mom?

A gift card? Gift cards are thoughtful.

Yeah. That's what we'll do. A gift card. Done.

Let's go find Wolf.

- No... It has to be perfect.

Let's think about everything we know about your mother.

One, she hates paintball.

Two, she currently hates me.

Three, she'll never forgive me.

Four, she's gonna divorce me

and marry that fireman on her kitchen calendar.

You know the one! Lance!

February! - Dad!

[tires squealing] - Huh? Oh, God!

- Everything okay over there?

- We're fine, Lance.

Beautiful jerk.

- You look so weird.

And you shouldn't have let them wax your 'stache.

- My lip is cold but presentable.

And that shirt makes you look like a tool.

- It's your shirt. Your mom gave it to me.

- Uh! Mom! I love that shirt.

- Okay, we're here. - Where?

- Church.

- What's that? - Where God lives.

- Who's-- - Please don't.

[organ music playing]

Okay, Wolf. Church has a lot of rituals,

so just stick with me.

Everyone kneel and pray.

- Everyone rise and sing.

- Dashing through the snow

On a one-horse open sleigh

Over the fields we go

God-ing all the way!

God, God, God!

- What are we doing at Mom's office?

- Looking for clues.

I'm trying to find things that your mom likes,

but all I keep seeing are pictures

of this rare, beautiful flower.

- Oh, yeah. That's her screensaver.

And your bathroom wallpaper.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

She even has it tattooed on her ankle.

- I thought that was a blood blister.

- It's called the fiordaliso,

and it only grows on Pleasant Peak.

- Pleasant Peak?

That dangerous mountain where a father and daughter

died one year ago today?

Let's go!

- Well, it looks like we have some new faces with us today.

- She probably doesn't recognize me

because of my hat.

- Yeah, that's it. - Hmm.

- So, let's get it straight.

What horrible sins have you brought here?

For me, it was a mix of hard drugs

and the most random sex.

[applause]

- No sins, just getting my church on.

- She's lying.

[all gasp] She's guilty of a sin.

- Finally! Drag her, Wolf.

- The sin of caring too much.

- You're bad at dragging.

- Mrs. Harris is the nicest lady ever.

She rescued me from the car wash,

taught me how to use buttons,

and told me not to eat foil.

[all muttering excitedly]

- It's nothing, really. I just took him in

from the mean streets of Oakdale,

like, oh, I don't know,

Sandy Bullock in "The Blind Side."

- Let's hear it for Oakdale's most selfless mom,

that chick in the big hat!

[cheers and applause]

- If I had a mom like you,

I wouldn't have ended up a teacher.

- You're the real hero, Annie.

- [gasps] February.

- Take us home, boys.

[to "Cherry Pie"] Blind Side Jesus Christ

That lady in the big hat's mighty nice

She's mighty nice

[crowd screaming]

- Ugh.

- [singing] She's mighty nice!

- Okay, dude.

Winner gets that flannel shirt we found

that has blood on it.

- Blood shirt's mine, Bex. It's my size.

- Blood shirt! [yells]

[yelps] [glass shatters]

Ow, my spine.

I landed on the stove.

Okay, Duncan and Wolf. You're up.

- Look, Wolf. When you take the pillows

off the stick, it's like a giant knife.

[grunts] Get up here!

I'm gonna spiral you like a ham.

- Ham spiral!

- Nah. Seems dangerous.

- Dangerous? The old Wolf

would never say crap like that.

Who are you?

[grunts, screams]

Oof!

- Almost broke your neck, you lucky duck.

- What?

Mom, you're ruining Wolf.

He is my coolest friend, and you're changing him.

How would you like it if I tried to change

your drunk book club friends?

- Ha! Good luck with that.

Duncan, I know this is hard for you.

But I'm doing this all for Wolf.

- You're doing it for you!

He was my friend before he was your pet project.

- For me? That's crazy.

What could be in this for me? [phone rings]

Hello? Good Samaritan award nomination

for me? That's crazy!

Great news! We're going back to church!

Jing! Help Wolf down!

[grunting] - Just jump!

- I'm trying!

[both grunting]

- [grunting]

- Dad, we've been hiking for miles,

and we haven't seen that flower.

Why don't we just do something nice for her birthday, instead?

- Too late! I already booked

a four-day, three-night,

go-kart getaway. What is wrong with me?

- [gasps] There it is!

Mom thinks we don't appreciate her?

She can suck it!

[both chanting] Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!

Suck it!

[both yelling]

[grunting and screaming]

[both groaning]

- Oh, my God. Dad?

We're trapped. - We're gonna be fine.

Just stay calm, and don't you dare

look over your right shoulder.

- [screams]

- Help! - Help!

Help!

- I told you we should have just gotten a gift card.

- This is not the time for blame,

Miss "Oh, that's Mom's favorite flower,

we should get it for her!"

- I'm gonna call for help.

Hey, haters.

To all of you who said I would die in a boring way,

look at me now!

Trapped with my dad at Pleasant Peak

trying to get my mom's favorite flower.

RavineQueen, Skeleton.

- Give me that!

[phone powering down] [Jack groans]

Damn it!

- I have a backup battery. - Damn it!

- Where is your father and Kimberly?

They should be here to see

that God thinks I am an awesome mother.

- Why do you care where they are?

You got Wolf.

He's your son, daughter, and husband, now.

- And your Jing!

Oh, and good luck, Mommy, I love you!

- Did you tell her you loved her?

- No! I said,

"Find another family, lady!"

- Where are Dad and Kimberly?

- Welcome, everyone, to our weekly

Good Samaritan awards.

[to "Cherry Pie"] Good Samaritan

Winner gets to stay at the Sheraton

Enjoy sleeping in!

- Okay, let's meet our nominees

for Good Samaritan of the Week.

Annie Harris for changing a young man's life.

Bex, who revived her grandmother, despite her DNR.

- I'll never let her go to God!

- Oh! [cheers and applause]

- And, of course, it wouldn't be an award show without Mavis,

the dog that barks if you overdraft your bank account.

[cheers and applause]

- Looks like it's your week, Mavis.

- And the winner is... - Wait!

I found Dad and Kimberly!

- Look at me now,

trapped with my dad at Pleasant Peak

trying to get my mom's favorite flower.

- The fiordaliso! Oh, my gosh!

They do care!

So sorry, Pastor, I can't accept that award.

Please send it to my house.

[all panting]

- And the winner is Mavis!

[cheers and applause] - You are way too kind.

Let me give the church a little donation.

- [barking] - I get paid on Friday!

- Hi, I'm Annie Harris.

Have you found my family yet?

- No, they're still somewhere on that mountain,

but the fiordaliso are in full bloom,

and the dogs can't track over their scent.

- Can't? Or won't?

- Can't.

- [huffs]

- Oh, well, what are we gonna do?

- Wolf can track them!

He once found my retainer in a city dump.

- [sniffs]

Sorry. All I can smell

is that lavender conditioner your mom bought me.

[sniffs] Heavenly.

- Oh, my God! This is what happens

when you help at-risk teens.

- This is all my fault.

I just wanted to feel appreciated!

- Hm. - Mm...

- That's not too much to ask, Mrs. Harris.

And it was nice to have someone care about me

and teach me so many new things.

- Aw, that's so sweet.

Now forget everything I've taught you,

revert to your wild ways,

and find my family!

- [sighs] He can't just magically

change back, Mom. - Actually, there is one way.

But I gotta warn you, it's a little weird.

- Whatever it is, I can handle it.

- Show me a picture of the full moon.

- Hm.

- Nice.

[groaning and grunting]

[dramatic music]

[howls]

I'm ready.

[sniffing]

- What the hell was that?

That was insane.

You all saw that, right?

If I had known he was capable of that,

I would have never let him in our house.

What was I thinking?

Look at my hand.

I'm shaking.

I need a drink. Let's go.

- What about Daddy and Kimberly?

- Right, right. Okay. Here, Duncan.

Take the car and this money, and get me some bourbon.

- I mean, like, I'll definitely take the money, but, like,

we should probably stay to make sure they're alive.

- I'm sorry, you're right.

I'm just really disturbed by what I saw.

The mustache? The nails.

I mean, I-I just. Wow.

- [panting and grunting]

[tense music]

[sniffing]

- So are you getting hungry? - A little.

- Okay, that's it. Time to eat Daddy.

Here, take this big rock and bash my brains in.

- What? No!

- I want you to live a long, canyon life.

Eat my nutritious legs while you winter in my torso.

- No! - Promise me, Kimberly. Say it!

Say you'll winter in my torso!

- All right! I'll winter in your torso!

- You make me so happy!

Okay, I'm gonna count to three.

But do it on two.

One.

[shrieking] I love you!

- Hey, guys. - [gasps]

- Oh, thank God.

She was gonna kill me for my meat!

[both grunting]

- [grunting]

Oh, you're really wedged in there, Mr. Harris.

Hang on.

[musical tone]

- A skull conch!

Why didn't we think of that?

- Picking up a skull conch at three o'clock.

[helicopter buzzing]

- Hey, climb on my back.

- You can take the long way around.

[giggles]

- Lance, you beautiful hero.

Uh--oh!

From now on, it's always gonna be February in my house.

- Bring him up!

- Wait a minute!

[sighs] Okay.

Take me home.

Lance, I'm feeling a little dizzy.

Why won't it stop?

Oh, oh! Come on now, make it stop!

Why won't it stop!

- You're a good spinner, Daddy.

- I am just so touched that you risked your life

and the life of our daughter

to get me my favorite flower.

all: Happy Mother's Day, Mom. - Happy Mother's Day, Annie.

I just hope they have the decency

to cut off the video before-- Oh, dear God.

[all laughing]

- Aren't they supposed to pixelate that?

- [British accent] Iceberg, dead ahead!

- Dad, stop saying that every bite.

- Sorry we took you to paintball

for Mother's Day, Mom.

Hope this bread with olives makes up for it.

- I'm not even gonna solve the maze!

Today is all about you.

- Oh, you don't have to apologize.

I've already forgotten about it.

Now, excuse me,

I have to use the little mom's room.

[splatting] [all screaming]

- What the--

- [screaming]

You were right.

I did need to practice.

-Yaah! -ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the world of Duncanville.