Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Uh, Professor Von Duct, the laser is in place

and we're ready to fire.

‐ Stupendous.

Begin the countdown.

Look at that countdown.

Isn't it beautiful?

What do you think, Mrs. Havoc?

‐ [scoffs] Hey does your cape say VD?

‐ [laughs] Well, yes it does.

‐ You know VD stands for venereal disease, right?

‐ No, no, no. It stands for Von Duct.

It looks cool.

‐ No. It looks like

you're the ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ mascot for chlamydia.

‐ No, I look like a powerful super villain.

‐ Oh, really? What's your superpower?

Having unprotected sex without revealing

that you're HIV positive? [laughs]

Uh, Professor Von Duct,

we're about to connect with the United Nations.

‐ Oh, wonderful. Thank you, Kyle.

Okay, Mrs. Havoc, time for you to shut up.

‐ [muffled screaming]

‐ Hello, Secretary General.

‐ What's the meaning of this? Who am I talking to?

‐ This is Professor Von Duct.

At this very moment,

I have a high‐powered space laser

pointed directly at the city of Houston, Texas.

Unless you cede control of the world's governments

to me in nine minutes,

millions of people living in Houston will be vaporized.

I will destroy another major metropolitan city

every hour on the hour until my demands are met.

‐ I'm sorry. What did you say your name was again?

‐ Professor Von Duct.

The world's most powerful supervillain.

‐ Yeah, we've never heard of you.

‐ Well, I've told you that I'm going

to kill millions of people.

Now, are you going to turn over the world or not?

‐ [laughs] Sorry, but the world's governments

are not going to surrender

to a guy with a cape and a webcam

just because he claimed to have a space laser.

If we did that, we'd be surrendering the world

roughly 4‐6 times every day.

‐ Well, then perhaps you should give me a call back

in eight minutes when the city of Houston

has been wiped off the map.

‐ Sounds good.

‐ [muffled talking]

‐ What?

‐ Oh, God. Thank you.

[laughs] It's really hard to laugh at you

with that duct tape on my mouth. [laughs]

‐ Shut up. ‐ [laughs]

[mocking] I'm the world's most powerful super villain.

‐ You're a mean woman. ‐ Uh, Professor Von Duct,

we've got company.

[dramatic music]

‐ Oh, God damn it.

Okay, go kill them.

♪ ♪

‐ Bang, bang, bang. ‐ God damn it, Brock,

did we really have to bring your clone?

‐ Hey, if I leave him at home, he shits on the rug.

Oh, ho, ho. Okay. You take the two on the left,

I'll take the three on the right.

‐ What? No.

‐ What the hell, man, they were unarmed.

‐ So? We have guns.

‐ Oh, man. You just don't get it.

All right, here we go, now. Let's do it.

No, no, no, no, no! Come on, come on!

Damn it. God damn it, Havoc.

I really wanted to fight those guys.

‐ Ah, shit, I'm out of bullets.

‐ Finally.

Okay, you go find Kim.

We'll take care of these guys.

‐ You know, you can just shoot them, right?

‐ You know, I'm not gonna do that, right?

‐ All right. ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ do your stupid thing.

‐ All right. I will.

[all grunting]

‐ Man it's weird to see two Brocks.

‐ I know, right? It's like, "Which one is which?"

‐ Hey, what are you guys talking about?

‐ Oh you know, it's really confusing

when there's more than one of a person.

‐ Oh, yeah. That is really confusing.

‐ Strange, right? ‐ Yeah, totally.

‐ For sure. ‐ Very confusing.

[blows landing]

‐ All right, don't move.

Show me where Von Duct is.

‐ Sorry, Doctor Havoc.

But we've been given instructions not

to do anything you tell us.

‐ Do you want to die, Kyle?

‐ I'm sorry, I have to follow orders.

‐ Wait, what are your exact orders?

‐ Do not do anything Dr. Havoc tells you.

‐ Ugh, okay then do not show me

where Professor Von Duct's lair is.

‐ Right this way.

‐ Thank you.

‐ [grunts]

‐ Holy shit.

‐ Holy shit is right, Dr. Havoc.

Put your hands up.

‐ What the ‐‐‐‐, Von Duct?

How come you never built me anything this cool?

‐ Because you're not a true supervillain, Doctor Havoc.

You're a joke.

Now, I'm about to take over the world, and you can

finally see what a real supervillain looks like.

‐ You don't actually believe that, do you?

‐ Believe what?

‐ You don't actually believe

you're gonna take over the world, right?

It's impossible.

‐ What are you talking about?

You spent your entire life trying to take over the world.

‐ Yeah, but I know I'm not going to.

The game is rigged, Von Duct.

Villains don't win. It's impossible.

Somebody will always stop us.

And deep down, I've always known that.

Every morning I get up knowing I'm gonna lose.

But I keep trying. And you know why?

Because I ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ hate myself,

just like you hate yourself.

The reason why we're villains is because we're

‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ losers, and the world knows it,

and we hate them for that.

Because deep down, we know they're right.

Villains are just people who think they're important

and can't stand that the world doesn't see it.

All this, this is about two guys

who can't admit what they've always known.

That we are ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ losers...

and we always will be.

‐ Jesus, Darren.

[gunshot] ‐ [groans]

‐ Brock! ‐ Ha! I killed Brock Mason,

someone whom you could never stop.

Perhaps I'm not the loser that you are.

‐ [gasps] Oh, my son.

‐ Papa.

‐ Wait. Who is that? ‐ Hi‐yah!

‐ Ow! Ah! ‐ Yah! A‐ha!

‐ P‐Papa.

‐ Oh, they shot you son.

A bull's eye shot.

‐ Relax, Brock. I'll grow you a new one.

‐ He won't be the same!

‐ He'll be exactly the same.

Kim, are you okay?

‐ Oh, my God. Darren, you saved my life.

‐ Well, actually, you kind of saved yourself.

‐ Uh, to be fair, Kim, I also did kind of save you.

‐ Well, to be fair, Brock,

you also kind of gave me HPV, okay?

So how about we call it even?

‐ Kim, Kim, that's not possible.

The agency gave me vasectomy, like, 20 years ago.

‐ What? Brock, a vasectomy keeps you from having kids.

It doesn't protect you from STDs.

‐ It doesn't? ‐ No!

‐ Wait, if you had a vasectomy,

then you can't be Ally's father.

‐ And that would explain all the burning sensations.

‐ Space laser deployment in five, four‐‐

‐ What the‐‐

‐ [laughs]

You're too late.

‐ Space laser engaged.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Holy shit.

He just vaporized all of Houston.

‐ Well, auf wiedersehen, Doctor Havoc. [laughs]

‐ Damn it, no!

‐ Hello, Professor Von Duct.

‐ Oh, uh, well‐.

‐ Dr. Havoc.

So you're the real mastermind behind this?

I should have known.

‐ Oh, uh no‐‐actually‐‐

‐ We've heard your message loud and clear.

If you give us your word that you will not

destroy any more cities,

we will turn over control of the world's governments

to your command.

‐ W‐wait, are you saying‐‐

‐ Millions of people have died today, Dr. Havoc.