Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Dear video diary,

I am currently trapped in space

after being betrayed by Professor Von Duct

and my henchmen,

who have taken over my lair and left me for dead.

But I'm not giving up.

Although things do look bleak,

I am, after all, Dr. Havoc,

and I know what I need to do.

I'm gonna have to science the shit out of this.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Come back.

‐‐‐‐.

Well, all right, so much for that idea.

I, uh, guess it's time for plan B.

Help! Help!

Is anybody there?

Please, somebody help.

Kyle. Steve. Okay, please,

if you'll let me come back,

I promise I'll be a better boss.

Von Duct. Anybody?

♪ ♪

‐ Okay, Professor Von Duct,

the laser has been triangulated over the city of Houston.

We are all systems go.

‐ Excellent. [laughs]

Soon the world will bear witness

to the power of Professor Von Duct.

[laughs]

‐ You guys, you guys. Come on.

Okay, I learned my lesson.

Come on, guys. Somebody?

‐ [speaking alien language]

‐ Oh. Hey, little guy.

Hey, I‐‐I need you to go get help, okay?

I need you to go find someone.

Okay? You got me?

‐ [speaking alien language]

‐ All right. Good job.

‐ [speaking alien language]

‐ No. No, I‐ I need you to go find a person.

‐ [speaking alien language]

[grunting]

‐ No. No. Stop. No!

‐ [grunting] ‐ [sighs]

This is it. This is how I'm gonna die.

In space watching a minion ‐‐‐‐ a chair.

‐ [grunting]

‐ [speaking alien language] ‐ No, no!

Com‐‐come back. No, come back, please!

‐ Darren. Are you down here?

‐ Hello? Is someone there?

‐ Ah, Darren! What the ‐‐‐‐?

‐ Oh, my God, Kim. Oh, thank God.

Please, I need your help.

‐ Jesus Christ, Darren.

We were supposed to meet an hour ago

to sign these divorce papers.

Where the ‐‐‐‐ are you?

‐ I'm in space.

‐ You know, this is so typical.

‐ Kim, please.

You've been yelling at me for the last 20 years straight.

Can you just listen to me for one minute?

Kim? ‐ I'm considering it.

‐ Look, I need you to launch a rescue pod.

I'm trapped in outer space.

Von Duct and the henchman turned against me

and left me out here to die.

‐ You know, I told you to never hire that guy.

‐ Can we please not do this now?

‐ I said you can't trust a German.

Did you know that Hitler was German?

‐ Yes, Kim. I knew that Hitler was German.

That's not something people don't know.

Now, can you please just help me launch this rescue pod?

‐ Uh, fine. What do I have to do?

‐ All right. There should be three red buttons

on the right control panel.

Press all three buttons at the same time.

‐ Okay. I'm pressing all three.

‐ Uh, Sir, it looks like someone launched a rescue ship.

It's headed straight for the laser.

‐ What? Where? Call it back.

‐ We can't, sir. It's on autopilot.

‐ Okay, great. Now you need to get out of there.

‐ No, I'm not leaving until you tell me

when you're gonna sign these divorce papers.

‐ Oh, uh, let's see.

Probably not until I get back from outer space, Kim.

‐ Wow.

I just did something really nice for you,

and now you're gonna yell at me.

You know what? I'm leaving.

I'm leaving.

‐ Perfect. Run.

[dramatic music]

‐ Guten tag, Mrs. Havoc.

‐ Oh, shit.

‐ What? Wha‐what is it?

‐ Well, well. It looks like you're smarter than I thought.

‐ Von Duct. I swear, if you hurt her‐‐

‐ Oh, don't worry Dr. Havoc.

No, no, no. [clicks tongue]

No. I'll be releasing her just as soon as

I've taken over the world. [laughs]

But if you try to stop me...

she dies.

‐ Are you wearing a cape?

‐ Huh? Yeah, it's my new super‐villain outfit.

‐ You just added a cape.

‐ Yeah, it's cool.

‐ Yeah. But, you can't just wear a cap and an apron.

You look like a ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ vampire who teaches woodshop.

‐ Goodbye, Dr. Havoc.

‐ [laughs] ‐‐‐‐‐‐‐ got him.

‐ [laughs] Oh. Bang, bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang.

‐ Oh, you shot me, son.

A bull's eye shot.

‐ [laughs] Bull's eye, Papa.

‐ [laughs] What's more fun than this?

[doorbell dings]

Ah, that must be the hookers we ordered.

Timeout.

Oh, what the hell, Havoc? No. It's Sunday.

‐ Brock, I need your help.

What the hell's going on in here?

‐ We're playing Revenant,

The game of survival and revenge.

‐ They killed my boy

‐ That's right, son.

But you're gonna make sure they get theirs.

[laughs] He's so in it. It's great.

Oh, hey Havoc, do you wanna be the bear?

‐ What? No. Brock, I need your help with Kim.

‐ [laughs] Uh, no, thank you.

That ship has sailed, crashed into an iceberg

and sunk far down to the bottom of the ocean,

like the Laurentian Abyssal.

James Cameron couldn't find that shit, right?

"The Abyss?" ‐ No. Brock,

you don't understand.

Von Duct betrayed me and‐‐ ‐ I'm sorry. Who?

‐ Professor Von Duct. You know, my assistant.

‐ Uh, nope. I don't think I've ever met him.

‐ Okay. Well, he's my assistant

and he's‐‐ ‐ What's he do?

‐ He assists me.

‐ Ri‐‐right. Yeah. But, like, how?

‐ It doesn't ‐‐‐‐‐‐ matter, Brock. Okay?

‐ Well, maybe if it mattered to you more,

then he wouldn't have betrayed you.

Mm, huh? How about that?

‐ Thank you. Good point. Now, will you shut up?

Professor Von Duct betrayed me and is holding Kim hostage,

and now he's gonna take over the world

with a space laser, unless you and I

can get in there and stop him.

‐ My, my. What a tangled web the fates have woven together

for the two of us.

‐ Oh, God.

‐ The woman we both fought over for

all those many years is now the woman

we must both fight for.

Irony, welcome to our pillow fort.

‐ Yep. Shit's cray. So are you in?

‐ All right. I'll join you, Havoc.