Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Okay. All right. Mm‐hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

‐ Here are the best, Von Duct.

‐ All right. Yeah. Da. Mm‐hmm.

Okay, put that over there.

‐ Good morning, gentlemen.

Who here knows what day it is today?

‐ Good morning, Dr. Havoc.

‐ Von Duct, Kyle, Steve,

do you know what day it is today?

‐ Well, Dr. Havoc, it's the day that we‐‐

‐ It's rocket day!

‐ Dr. Havoc... [coughs, clears throat]

The launch is not scheduled for another 7 1/2 hours.

[giggles] You don't need to be in that suit yet.

‐ No. Yeah, I know. I just, uh‐‐

you know, I just want to be ready, you know?

‐ That suit is designed to be worn in space,

specifically for temperatures well below zero.

‐ I know. ‐ You're going to get very hot.

‐ Well, I'm the rocket man, and it's rocket day,

so I want to wear the spacesuit, okay?

‐ All right, Dr. Havoc. You're the boss.

‐ All right, boys, how's the laser looking?

‐ All systems are operational, sir.

The laser is fully charged and ready to be put into orbit.

‐ All right.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

That's...

[groans] So cool.

That's so cool.

‐ Uh, Dr. Havoc, are you okay?

‐ Huh? Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just...

super pumped, that's all.

That's all, just...

Whoo! Oh.

‐ You know, you might be overheating in that suit.

‐ Nope. The suit stays on.

Actually, my body's just starting to get acclimated.

I can feel it now.

‐ Are you sure?

‐ Hey, if I wasn't good in this suit,

could I pull off this sweet moonwalk?

Ah? [grunts]

♪ ♪

‐ Dr. Havoc! Dr. Havoc!

‐ [groans] ‐ Wake up!

Please wake up! It's time to go to space!

‐ What? Von Duct?

What happened?

‐ Well, your body overheated

from being in the spacesuit for too long.

So we just let you rest in the cockpit.

‐ What?

How long was I out?

‐ About seven hours.

We're about to launch.

‐ Holy shit. Really?

Wait, uh, Von Duct.

‐ Yes, Dr. Havoc.

‐ Do you mean to tell me that not only did I close my eyes,

but I also fell asleep...

and missed the thing?

[laughs] Huh? [men groan]

Oh, man. I did not want to close my eyes.

I really didn't want to fall asleep,

'cause I could have missed something, Von Duct.

[laughs] And I don't want to miss a thing.

Huh? Get it? [chuckles]

Von Duct, do you get it? "Armageddon"?

‐ Yes, Dr. Havoc, we all get it.

‐ Hey, did you‐‐ hey, hey, hey, guys.

Did you‐‐hey, guys.

Did you guys hear what I did?

[both sighing] Yes, Dr. Havoc.

‐ It's a song from "Armageddon."

Those are the words.

‐ Okay, Dr. Havoc‐‐

‐ Ah, ah, ah. [chuckles]

Von Duct, remember how we rehearsed?

‐ Okay. [sighs]

Ground control to Major Havoc...

we are ready to launch.

‐ This is Major Havoc to ground control.

I read you loud and clear.

Oh, man, I almost forgot‐‐

the sweet mixtape I made for this trip.

[bang, rumbling] Aah!

[dramatic music]

‐ Uh, Professor Von Duct?

‐ He'll be fine.

He's a rocket man.

♪ ♪

‐ Okay, Von Duct,

I am ready to activate the laser.

‐ Stupendous, Dr. Havoc.

‐ Wow. I wish you guys could see this.

It's, uh, hard to believe I'm gonna be taking over

that tiny world with this giant space laser.

We're really doing it, you guys.

‐ Yeah. It's, uh‐‐ it's pretty cool.

‐ They're gonna be all like, "Oh, no, Dr. Havoc,

don't blow us up with your giant space laser."

And then I'm gonna be like, "Um, I‐I‐‐um"...

You know, actually, I haven't worked out

exactly what I'm going to say, but it'll be pretty sweet.

‐ Okay, now, you have the instructions

I've prepared for you, correct?

‐ Yes, I do.

‐ Steve and Kyle will stay in the ship

and coordinate with us to get the laser positioned in orbit.

You can now begin the activation sequence.

‐ All right. Sounds good.

Okay. Let's see...

Step on, turn on the laser.

Okay. [switch clicks, laser whirs]

Hmm. Hey, uh, Von Duct...

I think I'm missing some instructions.

‐ Nope.

You have successfully activated the laser.

‐ That's it?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I came up to outer space to press a goddamn button?

‐ Well, actually, Dr. Havoc,

we could have activated the laser remotely

before you even launched.

‐ What? Why the hell didn't you tell me that?

Hey. Hey! Hey!

Von Duct! Von Duct!

‐ Yes, Dr. Havoc?

‐ The fucking henchmen just left without me.

Call them up and tell them to turn the fuck around.

God, they are so fucking stupid.

‐ I'm sorry, Dr. Havoc.

I'm afraid that I can't do that.

‐ What? W‐why not? I‐I'm gonna die out here!

‐ Ah, you know what?

I think you're right.

‐ Von Duct, what the hell is going on?

Wait. Where are you?

That's not the lair.

‐ No, I'm afraid not.

This is my super lair.

‐ What the fuck?

‐ Yes, Dr. Havoc.

You are now part of my master plan.

[laughing evilly]

What you have just done is activate the space laser

which I will be using to take over the world

at precisely 12:00 p. m. tomorrow.

The henchmen‐‐

well, the henchmen all work for me now.

‐ You son of a bitch.

How did you turn all my henchmen against me?

[all humming]

‐ Listen up, everyone.

You no longer work for Dr. Havoc.

I am now your new leader. ‐ Okay.

‐ Okay, cool. both: Yeah.

‐ Yeah. ‐ That sounds great.

‐ Oh, sure. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Cool, cool.

‐ God damn it, I hate them.

So you mean to tell me that this entire time

you've been building a secret lair for yourself?

Where? ‐ [cackles]

What is more super secret

than a base hidden

in the most secure location imaginable?

[laughs] Directly underneath yours.

This base has everything.

A state‐of‐the‐art command center,

a storehouse of heavy artillery,

and most of all‐‐ ooh, this one is my favorite‐‐

[laughs] A fleet of obedient, fully mature henchmen

who are loyal to me and only me!

[laughs]

And by this time tomorrow,

the world will be under the control

of the greatest super villain of all time‐‐

Professor Von Duct!

Sorry you won't be around to see it, Dr. Havoc.

Good‐bye. [giggles]

‐ Von Duct! Von Duct!

Damn you! Come on!