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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ Uh, dear diary, uh,
4
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ugh, I'm‐‐I'm not even sure
5
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I've come to terms
with what happened today.
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I mean, between
Brock and Ally and...
7
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[gags]
8
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[retching]
9
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[sighs]
Okay.
10
00:00:44,811 --> 00:00:46,511
I feel a little bit better now.
11
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:50,951
So today was Ally's
parent‐teacher conference.
12
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:54,286
Well, when you see the light
turned on,
13
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:55,988
it means
you have to take it in.
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00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:57,189
‐ I don't know, Dad.
15
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:58,760
I don't know
how cars work, okay?
16
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I'm not a fucking scientist.
17
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‐ Okay, well, when was the last
time you got the oil changed?
18
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‐ I put gas in it,
like, every week.
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‐ No, Ally, gas and oil
are not the same thing.
20
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,841
‐ Whatever.
I have to go the bathroom.
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‐ Hey, stop right there,
dirt ball.
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‐ No, please.
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No‐‐not here. Not now.
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‐ [laughs]
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I'm just fucking with you,
buddy.
26
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‐ Jesus Christ, Brock,
is that a real gun?
27
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‐ Uh, yeah.
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‐ You brought a fucking gun
29
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into a high school?
30
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‐ Shh!
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Don't be a fucking narc,
dude.
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‐ Why the hell are you here?
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‐ Parent‐teacher conference.
What about you?
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‐ I'm here for the
parent‐teacher conference.
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You're not a parent.
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00:01:36,229 --> 00:01:38,529
‐ Um, I'm Ally's stepdad,
37
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,202
and also possibly
her real dad.
38
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:44,001
And that makes me twice
the father that you are, pal.
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00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:46,574
‐ Okay, first of all, you're
not Ally's stepdad, okay?
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00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:48,413
Kim and I are still married,
dumbass.
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And second,
I'm Ally's real father.
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‐ Well, Kim says‐‐
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‐ I don't care
what Kim says.
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Speaking of which,
where the hell is
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mother of the year anyway?
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‐ Oh, yeah.
She couldn't make it.
47
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‐ What? Why not?
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‐ Because she did not want to.
49
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‐ Shocking.
50
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‐ Oh, hey, Brock.
What are you doing here?
51
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‐ Ally, uh, I'm here
52
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,928
for your parent‐teacher
conference.
53
00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:11,529
‐ Ah, you just couldn't
get enough of me, hmm?
54
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:12,731
‐ No, no.
55
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,703
Well, your mother,
who's my girlfriend,
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asked me to come,
and I thought that would be‐‐
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‐ But seeing as how Brock
is not your parent in any way,
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I told him
he can go the fuck home.
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‐ Oh, okay.
60
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,307
That's too bad.
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00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:26,482
I'll see you, Brock.
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It's probably gonna
be boring anyway.
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‐ Yeah, yeah.
Sure it will be.
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Okay, I'll see you at home.
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‐ Hmm.
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‐ And, uh, oh, yeah.
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Ally, one more thing
I forgot to say just now.
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Uh, that skirt's really
making your ass look great.
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‐ What?
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‐ Oh my God, Brock,
thank you.
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Now it's my new
favorite skirt.
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‐ Uh, Ally, wh‐‐wh‐‐uh,
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why don't you go up ahead
to your classroom?
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Okay?
I'm gonna meet you there.
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I just‐‐I need to just,
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00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,740
uh, deal with something
real fast.
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‐ Okay. Bye, Brock.
See you tonight.
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‐ Oh, yes, you will.
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I'm looking forward to it.
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‐ What the fuck
are you doing?
81
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,717
‐ What?
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00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,048
If she really
isn't my daughter,
83
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then there's no reason
why I can't hit on her.
84
00:03:07,587 --> 00:03:09,287
‐ What?
There's a shit ton
85
00:03:09,289 --> 00:03:11,289
of reasons why you can't
fucking hit on her.
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00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:13,831
For one,
you're dating her mother.
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Uh, two, you hit on her
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directly in front
of her actual father,
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and three,
she's in fucking high school,
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you sick son of a bitch.
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00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:24,598
Not to mention,
there is a small,
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minuscule chance that
you might be‐‐you know what?
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00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:28,814
No. The first three reasons
are plenty.
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‐ Admit it, Havoc.
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You didn't want me
hitting on your daughter
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because she might
be my daughter.
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00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:36,347
‐ I swear to God, Brock,
if you don't get out of here,
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I am gonna beat
the shit out of you.
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‐ Ha‐ha!
Big words for a guy
100
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,217
who didn't even bring
a gun to the high school.
101
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:45,725
Uh, you know what?
102
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,156
Actually, I gotta get going.
103
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[light music]
104
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♪ ♪
105
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‐ That's fucking bullshit, Dad.
106
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:01,780
‐ I'm sorry, Ally,
but the car's being taken away
107
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,835
until you start
showing up for class.
108
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,254
Now, where is your mother?
109
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,275
‐ Hey, hey, there they are.
110
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,080
How'd the parent‐teacher
conference go?
111
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‐ Oh, sweet baby Jesus.
112
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‐ Hey, Brock.
113
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Are you and my mom
in the middle of something?
114
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,732
‐ No, your mom's
not coming home tonight,
115
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:21,925
so I figured you and I could
have a nice little dinner,
116
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alone.
117
00:04:23,196 --> 00:04:25,466
‐ [gasps]
Okay. Awesome.
118
00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:26,625
‐ Ally, go to your room.
119
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,073
‐ What?
Dad, you don't even live here.
120
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,598
‐ Ally, I said go to your room.
‐ Jesus. Fine.
121
00:04:31,571 --> 00:04:34,841
And I guess I'll see you
in a little bit.
122
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,541
‐ Oh, yes, you will.
123
00:04:36,543 --> 00:04:38,383
Hope you like corn dogs.
124
00:04:39,412 --> 00:04:41,282
‐ Are you out of your
fucking mind?
125
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,281
‐ What's the problem?
126
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,622
I'm just making dinner naked
127
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,287
for a 16‐year‐old girl who's
definitely not my daughter.
128
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,786
‐ [groans]
129
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,988
‐ Unless, of course,
you've changed your mind
130
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,590
and are ready to admit to Ally
131
00:04:51,591 --> 00:04:54,391
that there's a chance
she may be my daughter.
132
00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:56,534
‐ Let me just
get this straight.
133
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:58,900
In order to get me
to tell my daughter
134
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:02,069
that you may, in fact,
be her biological father,
135
00:05:02,068 --> 00:05:04,338
you are threatening
to seduce said daughter
136
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:06,637
and possibly
have sex with her,
137
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,010
even though you may,
in fact, be her father?
138
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,411
‐ Yes.
Right now, that is my plan.
139
00:05:13,079 --> 00:05:15,449
‐ Fine. I will tell Ally.
140
00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:17,578
‐ [Ally giggles]
Oh, my God.
141
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,554
‐ What the fuck is that?
142
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:24,263
♪ ♪
143
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,457
‐ [giggles]
144
00:05:26,459 --> 00:05:27,789
Brock!
145
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:28,964
‐ Hey, what's going on in‐‐
146
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,062
‐ Daddy?
‐ What the fuck?
147
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‐ We‐‐we thought you'd left.
148
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,772
‐ We?
Ally, who are you in here with?
149
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:35,868
‐ Huh?
150
00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:38,239
‐ Holy shit.
151
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:39,868
‐ Dad, I swear,
152
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,513
Brock and I
were just fooling around.
153
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:44,978
There's nothing‐‐
‐ Ally, that's not Brock.
154
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,378
‐ What?
‐ Hey, what's going on in‐‐
155
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:48,479
oh, my God.
‐ Papa.
156
00:05:48,481 --> 00:05:49,981
‐ My son!
‐ Brock?
157
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,593
‐ And my daughter,
in bed together?
158
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,746
‐ Somebody tell me
what the fuck is going on!
159
00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:57,594
‐ This is so bad.
This is so goddamn bad.
160
00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,061
‐ Dad?
both: Yes?
161
00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:01,726
‐ Okay, look.
162
00:06:01,728 --> 00:06:05,298
This is a clone of Brock
that I made in my lab.
163
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,698
‐ Hi.
164
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,540
‐ I know,
it looks like Brock,
165
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:10,865
but he has the mind
of a two‐year‐old.
166
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,111
‐ Well, how the hell
was I supposed to know that?
167
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,106
‐ Boobies.
168
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,677
‐ To be fair, I do say that.
169
00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,605
‐ This isn't my fault.
170
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:19,351
I thought I was hooking up
with Brock.
171
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,076
‐ Papa.
‐ Okay.
172
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,781
Unfortunately,
that is not much better.
173
00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:27,793
Um, the thing is, Ally,
sweetheart,
174
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:32,227
there is a slight chance
that Brock may, in fact,
175
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,355
be your biological father.
176
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,361
‐ What?
177
00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:39,303
Oh, my God, did I just try
to fuck my brother?
178
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:41,169
‐ Yup.
‐ No, no.
179
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,697
He is not in any way
related to you.
180
00:06:43,703 --> 00:06:46,973
At worst,
he is a genetic replica
181
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:49,913
of the man who may
be your father.
182
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:52,410
So you know, it's not that bad.
183
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,882
‐ [retching]
184
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,750
‐ Uh, that looks pretty bad.
185
00:06:55,749 --> 00:07:18,909
‐ How do they not know
you have a clone?
13183
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