Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Uh, dear diary, uh,

ugh, I'm‐‐I'm not even sure

I've come to terms with what happened today.

I mean, between Brock and Ally and...

[gags]

[retching]

[sighs] Okay.

I feel a little bit better now.

So today was Ally's parent‐teacher conference.

Well, when you see the light turned on,

it means you have to take it in.

‐ I don't know, Dad.

I don't know how cars work, okay?

I'm not a fucking scientist.

‐ Okay, well, when was the last time you got the oil changed?

‐ I put gas in it, like, every week.

‐ No, Ally, gas and oil are not the same thing.

‐ Whatever. I have to go the bathroom.

‐ Hey, stop right there, dirt ball.

‐ No, please.

No‐‐not here. Not now.

‐ [laughs]

I'm just fucking with you, buddy.

‐ Jesus Christ, Brock, is that a real gun?

‐ Uh, yeah.

‐ You brought a fucking gun

into a high school?

‐ Shh!

Don't be a fucking narc, dude.

‐ Why the hell are you here?

‐ Parent‐teacher conference. What about you?

‐ I'm here for the parent‐teacher conference.

You're not a parent.

‐ Um, I'm Ally's stepdad,

and also possibly her real dad.

And that makes me twice the father that you are, pal.

‐ Okay, first of all, you're not Ally's stepdad, okay?

Kim and I are still married, dumbass.

And second, I'm Ally's real father.

‐ Well, Kim says‐‐

‐ I don't care what Kim says.

Speaking of which, where the hell is

mother of the year anyway?

‐ Oh, yeah. She couldn't make it.

‐ What? Why not?

‐ Because she did not want to.

‐ Shocking.

‐ Oh, hey, Brock. What are you doing here?

‐ Ally, uh, I'm here

for your parent‐teacher conference.

‐ Ah, you just couldn't get enough of me, hmm?

‐ No, no.

Well, your mother, who's my girlfriend,

asked me to come, and I thought that would be‐‐

‐ But seeing as how Brock is not your parent in any way,

I told him he can go the fuck home.

‐ Oh, okay.

That's too bad.

I'll see you, Brock.

It's probably gonna be boring anyway.

‐ Yeah, yeah. Sure it will be.

Okay, I'll see you at home.

‐ Hmm.

‐ And, uh, oh, yeah.

Ally, one more thing I forgot to say just now.

Uh, that skirt's really making your ass look great.

‐ What?

‐ Oh my God, Brock, thank you.

Now it's my new favorite skirt.

‐ Uh, Ally, wh‐‐wh‐‐uh,

why don't you go up ahead to your classroom?

Okay? I'm gonna meet you there.

I just‐‐I need to just,

uh, deal with something real fast.

‐ Okay. Bye, Brock. See you tonight.

‐ Oh, yes, you will.

I'm looking forward to it.

‐ What the fuck are you doing?

‐ What?

If she really isn't my daughter,

then there's no reason why I can't hit on her.

‐ What? There's a shit ton

of reasons why you can't fucking hit on her.

For one, you're dating her mother.

Uh, two, you hit on her

directly in front of her actual father,

and three, she's in fucking high school,

you sick son of a bitch.

Not to mention, there is a small,

minuscule chance that you might be‐‐you know what?

No. The first three reasons are plenty.

‐ Admit it, Havoc.

You didn't want me hitting on your daughter

because she might be my daughter.

‐ I swear to God, Brock, if you don't get out of here,

I am gonna beat the shit out of you.

‐ Ha‐ha! Big words for a guy

who didn't even bring a gun to the high school.

Uh, you know what?

Actually, I gotta get going.

[light music]

♪ ♪

‐ That's fucking bullshit, Dad.

‐ I'm sorry, Ally, but the car's being taken away

until you start showing up for class.

Now, where is your mother?

‐ Hey, hey, there they are.

How'd the parent‐teacher conference go?

‐ Oh, sweet baby Jesus.

‐ Hey, Brock.

Are you and my mom in the middle of something?

‐ No, your mom's not coming home tonight,

so I figured you and I could have a nice little dinner,

alone.

‐ [gasps] Okay. Awesome.

‐ Ally, go to your room.

‐ What? Dad, you don't even live here.

‐ Ally, I said go to your room. ‐ Jesus. Fine.

And I guess I'll see you in a little bit.

‐ Oh, yes, you will.

Hope you like corn dogs.

‐ Are you out of your fucking mind?

‐ What's the problem?

I'm just making dinner naked

for a 16‐year‐old girl who's definitely not my daughter.

‐ [groans]

‐ Unless, of course, you've changed your mind

and are ready to admit to Ally

that there's a chance she may be my daughter.

‐ Let me just get this straight.

In order to get me to tell my daughter

that you may, in fact, be her biological father,

you are threatening to seduce said daughter

and possibly have sex with her,

even though you may, in fact, be her father?

‐ Yes. Right now, that is my plan.

‐ Fine. I will tell Ally.

‐ [Ally giggles] Oh, my God.

‐ What the fuck is that?

♪ ♪

‐ [giggles]

Brock!

‐ Hey, what's going on in‐‐

‐ Daddy? ‐ What the fuck?

‐ We‐‐we thought you'd left.

‐ We? Ally, who are you in here with?

‐ Huh?

‐ Holy shit.

‐ Dad, I swear,

Brock and I were just fooling around.

There's nothing‐‐ ‐ Ally, that's not Brock.

‐ What? ‐ Hey, what's going on in‐‐

oh, my God. ‐ Papa.

‐ My son! ‐ Brock?

‐ And my daughter, in bed together?

‐ Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on!

‐ This is so bad. This is so goddamn bad.

‐ Dad? both: Yes?

‐ Okay, look.

This is a clone of Brock that I made in my lab.

‐ Hi.

‐ I know, it looks like Brock,

but he has the mind of a two‐year‐old.

‐ Well, how the hell was I supposed to know that?

‐ Boobies.

‐ To be fair, I do say that.

‐ This isn't my fault.

I thought I was hooking up with Brock.

‐ Papa. ‐ Okay.

Unfortunately, that is not much better.

Um, the thing is, Ally, sweetheart,

there is a slight chance that Brock may, in fact,

be your biological father.

‐ What?

Oh, my God, did I just try to fuck my brother?

‐ Yup. ‐ No, no.

He is not in any way related to you.

At worst, he is a genetic replica

of the man who may be your father.

So you know, it's not that bad.

‐ [retching]

‐ Uh, that looks pretty bad.

‐ How do they not know you have a clone?