Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Dear Diary.

Well, tonight was my first date

as a newly single man.

I got to say, I had a pretty good time,

and I think she did too.

[inhales and exhales]

I mean, at least... [sighs]

right up until she died.

Wow, pretty empty theater.

Looks like we kind of lucked out, huh?

‐ Yeah, I guess.

‐ Hey, down in front, old man.

Hey. ‐ Uh, okay. All right,

we're just trying to find our seats.

Wow, those guys certainly seem excited to see this movie.

Are you sure you don't want any popcorn?

‐ No, no, thanks.

I'm pretty full from the dinner.

‐ Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a pretty big steak

you had, which is fine.

I mean, I'm not‐‐

I'm not trying to say‐‐ I love steak.

I'm not complaining about the money.

‐ It's fine. Really, it's fine.

‐ So, Michelle, um...

when, uh, how‐‐where are you‐‐ you from Phoenix?

‐ No, uh, I actually grew up in Flagstaff.

‐ Oh, is that much different?

‐ No, not really.

‐ Oh. Oh, well.

‐ Oh, man, fuck you, you fuckin' fucker.

[laughs]

‐ Wow. Sure do hope they,

uh, quiet down before the previews start, right?

‐ Well, why don't we just ask them to be quiet now?

‐ No, no it's‐‐it's fine, you know.

I'm sure they will settle down.

‐ Man there better be some tits in this movie.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, is there tits in this movie?

‐ Uh, well, no.

I haven't seen it yet.

So, uh, we're actually

just trying to have a conversation.

So if you could, you know,

keep it down, we'd really appreciate it.

‐ Oh, yeah, no‐‐yeah, no problem, buddy.

Sorry about my friend here.

‐ It's fine.

‐ He's a jerk.

‐ It's fine.

So anyway, Flagstaff sounds‐‐

‐ Oh... [makes fart noise]

Oh, Dylan, come on, man.

You know what happens when you eat all those chicharrones.

‐ Oh, no. Now I've got 'em too.

‐ He's got them too. ‐ Oh, my God.

‐ God, you know?

You try to be a nice guy for once,

you know, being a gentleman, taking a woman out on a date,

then you got to deal with these two idiots.

‐ No, no, it's fine.

Jackasses like that never learn.

You know what? I'm gonna go

to the bathroom real quick before the movie starts.

‐ Okay, then. I'll make sure no one steals your seat, huh?

That's...a joke.

‐ Uh, what's wrong, Gramps?

Did she get sick of your stories and leave?

‐ [laughs]

Oh, man, Dylan, you're the fuckin' funniest, bro.

‐ All right.

‐ The fuck?

‐ Hi, guys.

Okay, let me just tell you what's happening right now.

Because you two couldn't shut the fuck up,

I've injected you with a neurotoxin

that's left you completely paralyzed.

Now, the good news is your brains

are still working perfectly, which is why you can

understand what I'm saying right now.

The bad news is, this isn't gonna wear off

for about eight hours.

So I really hope you like this movie, guys,

because you're gonna be watching it

about four fuckin' times.

Hmm. And you know what?

Er, just in case

someone does find you before this stuff wears off,

you're gonna be jerking each other off. Enjoy that.

‐ Wow, they're cozy.

‐ Oh, yeah, I guess

they decide to settle down after all.

[light rock music]

♪ ♪

Wow. You know, I'm a big Jake Gyllenhaal guy,

but, uh, for whatever reason, I just cannot get into Maggie.

‐ Really? I‐‐I love Maggie way more than Jake.

‐ Oh. Well, yeah, I mean, no,

I mean, she's, uh, you know.

Uh, excuse me, buddy.

I think you just maybe hit my car.

‐ Sorry, pal, I'm in a rush.

‐ Okay, well, uh...

God damn it.

‐ Are you gonna do something?

‐ Yeah. Um, well, actually, you know what?

Uh, you know, actually, he did seem like

he was in a rush, so I'll, uh, I'll just write him a note.

Can you just give me one second?

Uh‐huh.

Have a nice day.

All right.

So it's, uh, still pretty early.

Would you wanna grab a drink or‐‐

‐ Look, Darren, I, uh,

I don't really think this is gonna go anywhere.

So we should probably just call it a night.

‐ What? Really?

‐ Yeah. You seem really sweet, like,

a really nice guy, but you're not really my type.

‐ Oh, I'm not, huh?

‐ No. Sorry. I just‐‐

I kind of tend to go for more, like, bad boys.

‐ Oh‐‐oh, really?

‐ Yeah. You know, guys who are a little more

assertive and don't get pushed around so much.

‐ Well, wait. I don't‐‐ I don't get pushed around.

I mean, look, I'm a bad boy.

I'm the baddest boy.

I'm a goddamn supervillain.

‐ What? Uh, you said you were a sales rep.

‐ Yeah. I‐‐I just said that.

I don't even know what a sales rep is.

Look, I'm a goddamn killer.

‐ I find that pretty hard to believe.

‐ Really? Would a sales rep have these in his car?

‐ Oh, my God. Are those M134 miniguns?

‐ God damn right they are.

‐ Holy shit.

‐ Yeah, huh?

So how about this?

How about me and you go for a drive,

and I'll let you shoot the miniguns for a while?

‐ Oh, fuck yeah. ‐ All right.

But we actually do need to hurry,

because I put a bomb on that guy's windshield.

[rapid gunfire]

‐ Whoo‐hoo!

Eat lead, motherfuckers. Whoo‐hoo!

This is the best day of my life.

‐ Okay. All right.

Looks like we're all out of bullets.

‐ Okay, cool. Let's‐‐let's go get more.

‐ Uh, no. I‐‐I wouldn't worry about that,

we just shot off about 10,000 rounds.

That's probably plenty.

Uh, look, this car's got a lot more

than just a pair of guns.

‐ Ooh, like what?

‐ Well, uh, you see that city out there?

‐ Yeah.

Oh, my God.

‐ Oh, yeah.

How about a little strobe for the people?

‐ So what's, like, the worst thing you've ever done?

‐ Oh, I don't know. Uh, you know,

I robbed a couple of banks, threatened a few countries,

had a few run‐ins with the UN.

I probably killed two guys in that theater.

‐ Wow. So they call this make‐out point, huh?

‐ Uh, yeah. Yeah, Yeah, I guess that's, uh,

what the kids are calling it these days.

‐ Well, after tonight,

they're gonna have to start calling it fuck mountain.

‐ Oh. Oh, because,

uh, we're‐‐yeah, yeah.

Hell yeah. All right.

Mmm, hey.

Yeah. ‐ Mmm.

‐ Oh, hey.

‐ [chuckles]

What was that?

‐ Oh, uh, I think I may have just launched a rocket.

Oh, yeah, that's probably gonna kill a few people.

‐ Oh, is that a problem?

‐ What, for me? No, no. For me, that's a Tuesday.

‐ Wow, you really are a supervillain.

‐ Yeah. So, uh,

you wanna get back to that whole

fuckin' on the mountain thing?

‐ Yeah, but first, why don't you turn off

those city lights and give us a little more privacy?

‐ Oh, not a bad idea.