Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ All right. Here you go. This is your next mission.

‐ Oh, oh, oh, secret agent Brock Mason.

So tonight we finally finish the job.

‐ No, no, no.

The mission is not gonna be to kill him tonight.

‐ But the I'm Nadia, seductive assassin.

Killing is kind of my thing.

‐ No. Yeah, and you're clearly effective.

But killing going Brock is gonna have to wait.

You see, he's got this new girlfriend.

‐ Oh, new girlfriend, huh?

Yeah, it must be a relief that he's not

fucking your wife anymore, you know?

Ha‐ha ‐ Heh.

‐ Remember that? ‐ Yeah, uh‐‐

‐ What a crazy time.

‐ Here's the‐‐ here‐‐the thing is‐

‐ Wait a minute. ‐ What...

‐ No. ‐ I was gonna say...

‐ Uh‐oh. ‐ Yeah. He, uh...

‐ You are you are fucking kidding me.

You know. ‐ Yes.

‐ He's fucking dating your wife?

‐ Yeah. Uh, yeah.

That‐‐basically, that is the current situation.

‐ Get some balls, man. ‐ Hey.

‐ Get some fucking balls and screw them into your dick

‐ Okay. First off, I'm your boss. Okay?

‐ Okay. ‐ So...

‐ You're right, you're right. ‐ Ease up.

And I'm doing something,

I'm being proactive; I've hired an assassin.

‐ You're right. So you want me to kill her?

‐ No. Absolutely not.

In fact, you do not wanna hurt her at all.

‐ All right.

So what is it exactly you want me to do?

‐ Okay. Right now they're down

at the casino bar having a drink.

I'm gonna give you this earpiece so I can communicate with you.

You're gonna go down there, order a drink,

and start flirting with Brock.

Brock being a chauvinistic piece of shit that he is,

won't be able to resist the bait.

Then when Kim finally sees his true colors,

she will leave him, move back in with me,

and my life will finally go back to normal.

‐ So you want me to fuck him?

‐ Eh, I mean, try I guess, see how far you can get.

Just do not hurt Kim, okay?

Promise me you will not lay a finger on her.

‐ I promise I will not injure her,

but I may break her heart.

‐ Okay, testing. Can you hear me?

‐ Da, what's up?

‐ No, I'm testing the earpiece.

‐ Oh, da, it works.

[laughter]

‐ So not only did I diffuse the bomb,

but let's just say that Colombian drug dealer's son

is gonna have to grow up without a daddy.

[laughter]

‐ Ohh...

God, it is so great to be with a winner for once.

‐ Attention, Kim Havoc.

Attention, Kim Havoc.

There is a phone call for you at the concierge desk.

Please report to the lobby.

‐ Who the fuck is calling me?

‐ Well, well, we meet again, Mr. Mason.

‐ [coughs]

Oh‐‐Oh, hey‐‐hey, you.

It's so funny.

It's so funny that you just walked up right now,

because I was thinking,

I have to call you‐‐her.

I have to call you. ‐ No. No, it is fine.

‐ No, I totally was. I really was.

It's just, like, I've been so crazy

with work and stuff this month, you know.

I mean, just, like‐‐ ‐ No, seriously,

I'm not here for apology.

‐ Oh, okay, cool.

Uh, so then what is it you are here for?

‐ I am here for my pre‐sex cocktail.

Guess what comes next.

‐ Hello?

‐ Uh, hey, Kim. Uh, how's it going?

‐ Darren? What the fuck do you want?

‐ Oh, well, uh, I just,

uh, wanted to say what's up?

And now I've said it.

So you should probably just get back to whatever

you were doing before. Okay. See ya.

‐ Ugh, what an idiot.

‐ All right. Kim is on her way to you.

‐ Oh, yeah, yeah.

‐ Mmm, mmm.

Mmm. [gasps]

Come to my room.

‐ You got it.

‐ Brock, where the fuck are you going?

‐ Oh, Kim. Hey, right.

Uh, I‐‐I was just telling

this nice lady that I'm in

a committed relationship with you,

and we're madly in love.

Nice to meet you, ma'am, but no thank you.

‐ Who the [bleep] are you?

‐ I am the woman who has just had

your man's tongue in her mouth.

‐ What? What the fuck, Brock?

‐ That actually sounds worse than it is.

‐ Okay. It's working.

‐ How about you go home, Mrs. Havoc?

Let Brock have a night with a real woman.

‐ The fuck did you just say?

‐ I said, I fuck your man right.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Ugh!

‐ You're a dumb bitch.

‐ Oh, shit. Abort, abort.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Augh!

‐ Oh, fuck.

‐ All right. Get out of there. Get out of there now.

‐ Sorry, Dr. Havoc.

I know you did not want me to hurt your wife,

but I had no choice.

‐ No, I wasn't worried about her safety.

I was worried about yours.‐

‐ What's that now?

‐ Ahh!

‐ Oh! Ohhh!

‐ Oh, shit.

‐ Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! ‐ Ugh! Ugh!

Take that and that.

‐ [groans and coughs]

‐ You're a dumb bitch.

Ahh! Ahh!

‐ Ugh! Oof!

[gagging]

‐ You're gonna die.

‐ Mother Russia! ‐ Ahh!

‐ Tiger punch. Swan punch.

Goose kick. Snake kick.

Quanky punch.

Titty twister. ‐ Ahh!

Ahh!

‐ Okay. Hold on. Just wait a second.

Ohh!

‐ Hiyah! ‐ Ugh!

[groans]

‐ Oh, hey, buddy.

‐ Wha‐‐what's going on? Where am I?

‐ You're in my bedroom, buddy.

‐ Well, our bedroom, sweetie.

‐ Right. Right, our bedroom, mine and Kim's,

your ex‐wife, Kim and me, this is our bedroom.

‐ What the fuck is going on?

‐ Well, Darren, after you got knocked out,

the three of us talked it out.

‐ Turns out your wife and I have a lot in common.

‐ Ha‐ha, yeah.

Like my penis.

‐ You guys all had sex together?

While I was in the room?

‐ You were passed out, Darren.

Don't make this weird.

‐ Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making it weird?

Because I just woke up and found out

that my wife, my assassin,

and my mortal enemy just had a three‐way fuck fest

while I was unconscious just a few feet away.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'm just gonna shoot myself in the [bleep] face.

Ugh!

‐ Oh, there it is.

[laughter]

‐ He thought it was a gun.

It's just a dildo.

It was a dildo.

[laughs]

It is not a gun. It's a dildo.