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[[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ Dear Diary, tonight...
4
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[slurring] Tonight is mine
and Kim's anniversary,
5
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but we're not celebrating
because she sucks.
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And 'cause she left me.
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Instead,
I'm gonna sit here and‐
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‐ Hello Havoc.
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‐ Nighthook!
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What the fuck are you‐‐
what the fuck are you doing
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in my office?
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‐ Um, your office?
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‐ Ah, shit.
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This is not my office.
All right.
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All right, look.
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I‐I'm gonna be honest, man,
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I am having a night.
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I don't‐
I don't know if you heard,
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but, uh, my wife left me.
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‐ Oh.
[sniffs]
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Man, that's a‐
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‐ She left.
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‐ That is‐‐that's a bummer,
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uh, welp, uh...
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Oh, is that a bank
getting robbed?
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I guess we'll just have to do
this another time.
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‐ It's probably for the best.
I'm in a pretty dark place.
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‐ How dark?
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‐ Pretty dark.
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‐ I understand the darkness.
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I live in the darkness.
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‐ All right, I don't know.
I just‐‐
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I don't know why I didn't see
this coming, you know?
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I mean, Kim and I always just‐‐
we have, like,
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this kind of love‐hate
relationship, you know?
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Even‐‐even‐‐even in
the beginning.
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[harp arpeggio]
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All right, now listen to me,
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either you do what I say
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or I'm gonna start
killing hostages.
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‐ Okay, okay we don't want
anyone getting hurt, okay?
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No one's getting hurt here.
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‐ Then here's
what you're gonna do.
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00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:08,001
First, I want all those cops
to back away from the bank.
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Then, I want an armored car
to transport this money.
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And then I'm driving
out of here,
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and I don't want
any funny business.
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You hear me?
‐ I hear you loud and clear.
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I'm gonna get started
on that armored car for you.
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It's gonna take me
about 25 minutes, okay?
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‐ All right. Good.
Yeah, that's right.
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‐ [sighs]
You're a fucking idiot.
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‐ What?
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All right, who just said that?
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Whoever just said that,
raise your hand.
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‐ You tied our hands together,
dumbass.
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‐ Oh, you.
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What the hell is your problem?
‐ Nothing.
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I just, you know,
don't like being held hostage
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by a fucking idiot.
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‐ Um, I'm sorry,
are you calling a man
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with a gun to your head
a fucking idiot?
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‐ How would I know that you
have a gun to my head?
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There's a bag over it,
you fucking idiot.
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‐ Ah, goddamn it.
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Oh, er, hi.
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‐ Hi.
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‐ Well, um, you see‐‐
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do you see the gun now?
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‐ Oh, please, sir.
Don't hurt her.
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‐ Uh, Frank, I can take care
of myself.
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Do you really think
that they're gonna give you
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an armored car?
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‐ Uh, yeah.
They just said they were.
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It's gonna be here
in 25 minutes.
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‐ Yeah.
And five minutes before that,
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the SWAT team
is gonna come in here
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and shoot you
in the fucking head.
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‐ What?
You don't know that.
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‐ Have you ever seen
a news story about a guy
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who robbed a bank and then
got away
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in an armored car‐‐
that the cops gave him?
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‐ Well, they probably
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just don't publicize stories
like that.
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‐ Everyone asks
for an armored car.
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No one gets one, dumbass.
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[phone rings]
‐ All right, just‐
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just shut up.
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‐ Hey there, and how is it
going in there, buddy?
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Everything good?
Everyone okay?
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‐ Uh, yeah, we're fine.
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Hey, are you really getting me
an armored car?
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‐ Yeah, we are, buddy,
of course.
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It‐‐yeah.
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It's gonna be here
in about, uh, 25 minutes.
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‐ You're not just saying that
while you're actually planning
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to send the SWAT team in here
to kill me?
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‐ No.
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‐ Uh, okay.
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Mm, that was
a pretty long pause.
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‐ You better enjoy that money
for now,
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because in about 20 minutes,
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they're gonna come in here
and fuck you up good.
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‐ Well, you know what?
Why don't you tell me
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what you would do?
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‐ You got to show them
that you mean business,
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that you're dangerous.
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That way, they're afraid
to come in here.
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‐ Uh, Kim, maybe we should just
let the bank robber finish
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whatever he's gonna do
so he can be on his way.
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‐ Shut up, Frank.
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‐ Yeah, quiet, Frank.
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I'm holding
a bunch of people hostage
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in a bank with a gun.
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How can I seem more dangerous?
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‐ Here, call him back.
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‐ Hey there,
and how's it going man?
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‐ Well‐‐
‐ Please!
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Oh, God please!
120
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He's got a gun to my head
and he says he's gonna kill me.
121
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He says he's gonna kill
all of us.
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‐ Please, we're here to help.
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What‐‐what's he saying?
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‐ He said if anyone comes
near the building,
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00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:03,204
he's gonna shoot me
in the head.
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00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:07,273
Oh, God he's cocked his gun.
127
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Please, I don't wanna die.
‐ Don't worry, ma'am.
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Tell him we're backing away
from the building.
129
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Nobody is coming in.
130
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,978
We don't need anybody
getting hurt.
131
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:21,764
‐ Okay, but please,
just don't come in here.
132
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:24,655
He's crazy.
He's fucking crazy.
133
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,158
He's gonna kill all of us.
134
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,799
He's not afraid to kill
every last one of us.
135
00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,603
That ought to buy you
some time.
136
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:35,438
‐ Wow, that was
pretty impressive.
137
00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,935
‐ Kim, why are you helping
this guy?
138
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,638
‐ Shut the fuck up, Frank.
139
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:42,939
I don't give a fuck
if this bank gets robbed.
140
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:47,883
It's a shitty job, and you're
a sexist piece of shit boss
141
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:52,191
that I never want
to go out with, ever.
142
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,885
Here's what you're gonna do.
143
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,217
We share a basement
144
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with the Chinese restaurant
next door.
145
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,357
You can take the money
through there.
146
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,858
‐ Kim, if you wanna keep
your job, then you'd‐
147
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,631
[gunshot]
[screams]
148
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,869
‐ She said, "Shut up, Frank."
149
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,865
She said shut
your fucking mouth.
150
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:10,137
‐ Oh, my God,
you actually are dangerous.
151
00:06:10,136 --> 00:06:12,536
‐ Oh, yeah.
Well, you know,
152
00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,309
I'm not just a pretty face.
153
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,607
‐ Huh.
I guess not.
154
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,250
[tender music]
155
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,605
[phone rings]
‐ What?
156
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:20,813
‐ We heard gunshots.
Is everyone okay?
157
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,024
‐ Yeah, I shot Frank
in the knee.
158
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,945
He's fine.
Don't come in.
159
00:06:23,950 --> 00:06:25,920
[sighs]
160
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,889
I'm not gonna be able to carry
all these bags at once,
161
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,458
and I need this money.
162
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:31,626
I'm building a secret lair.
163
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:35,025
‐ Well, maybe I can help you
carry some of it.
164
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,028
‐ Oh, uh, you‐‐you mean like,
165
00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:39,630
um, bring‐‐bring
a hostage with me?
166
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,603
‐ No, more like bring a partner
with you.
167
00:06:43,203 --> 00:06:45,513
‐ Oh.
168
00:06:45,505 --> 00:06:47,065
‐ I can't feel my leg anymore.
169
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:50,413
both: Shut up, Frank.
170
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,680
So then we got away,
and I used that money
171
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:55,779
to build my evil empire,
and the rest,
172
00:06:55,782 --> 00:06:58,352
as they say, is
173
00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,551
[blows raspberry]
174
00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:04,521
‐ Wow, that's quite the tale.
175
00:07:04,524 --> 00:07:06,194
You know, hearing that
reminds me
176
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,562
of my own origin story.
177
00:07:08,561 --> 00:07:10,361
I was just a boy.
178
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,503
My parents and I had just
gotten out of the opera
179
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:17,439
when suddenly, a man came up
to me and accosted my family.
180
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,107
‐ Wait, wait, wait.
181
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:21,335
That's Batman's origin story.
182
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,441
‐ I'm sorry, who?
183
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,012
‐ Batman?
The superhero Batman?
184
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,611
‐ [sniffs]
I'm not familiar with him.
185
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,184
What's his name?
Batman?
186
00:07:29,182 --> 00:07:30,922
‐ Yes, Batman.
187
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:32,417
Bruce Wayne.
The Dark Knight?
188
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,189
‐ I've never heard
of this Batman.
189
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:38,017
Is he some sort
of baseball‐themed superhero?
190
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,994
‐ Oh, come on, you're‐‐
you're kind of ripping off
191
00:07:39,993 --> 00:07:41,233
his entire gimmick.
192
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:43,257
‐ What?
That's impossible.
193
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,903
‐ Okay, well, let me ask you
this.
194
00:07:44,898 --> 00:08:08,918
Are you secretly
a billionaire playboy?
14070
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