Original subtitles

[[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Dear Diary, tonight...

[slurring] Tonight is mine and Kim's anniversary,

but we're not celebrating because she sucks.

And 'cause she left me.

Instead, I'm gonna sit here and‐

‐ Hello Havoc.

‐ Nighthook!

What the fuck are you‐‐ what the fuck are you doing

in my office?

‐ Um, your office?

‐ Ah, shit.

This is not my office. All right.

All right, look.

I‐I'm gonna be honest, man,

I am having a night.

I don't‐ I don't know if you heard,

but, uh, my wife left me.

‐ Oh. [sniffs]

Man, that's a‐

‐ She left.

‐ That is‐‐that's a bummer,

uh, welp, uh...

Oh, is that a bank getting robbed?

I guess we'll just have to do this another time.

‐ It's probably for the best. I'm in a pretty dark place.

‐ How dark?

‐ Pretty dark.

‐ I understand the darkness.

I live in the darkness.

‐ All right, I don't know. I just‐‐

I don't know why I didn't see this coming, you know?

I mean, Kim and I always just‐‐ we have, like,

this kind of love‐hate relationship, you know?

Even‐‐even‐‐even in the beginning.

[harp arpeggio]

All right, now listen to me,

either you do what I say

or I'm gonna start killing hostages.

‐ Okay, okay we don't want anyone getting hurt, okay?

No one's getting hurt here.

‐ Then here's what you're gonna do.

First, I want all those cops to back away from the bank.

Then, I want an armored car to transport this money.

And then I'm driving out of here,

and I don't want any funny business.

You hear me? ‐ I hear you loud and clear.

I'm gonna get started on that armored car for you.

It's gonna take me about 25 minutes, okay?

‐ All right. Good. Yeah, that's right.

‐ [sighs] You're a fucking idiot.

‐ What?

All right, who just said that?

Whoever just said that, raise your hand.

‐ You tied our hands together, dumbass.

‐ Oh, you.

What the hell is your problem? ‐ Nothing.

I just, you know, don't like being held hostage

by a fucking idiot.

‐ Um, I'm sorry, are you calling a man

with a gun to your head a fucking idiot?

‐ How would I know that you have a gun to my head?

There's a bag over it, you fucking idiot.

‐ Ah, goddamn it.

Oh, er, hi.

‐ Hi.

‐ Well, um, you see‐‐

do you see the gun now?

‐ Oh, please, sir. Don't hurt her.

‐ Uh, Frank, I can take care of myself.

Do you really think that they're gonna give you

an armored car?

‐ Uh, yeah. They just said they were.

It's gonna be here in 25 minutes.

‐ Yeah. And five minutes before that,

the SWAT team is gonna come in here

and shoot you in the fucking head.

‐ What? You don't know that.

‐ Have you ever seen a news story about a guy

who robbed a bank and then got away

in an armored car‐‐ that the cops gave him?

‐ Well, they probably

just don't publicize stories like that.

‐ Everyone asks for an armored car.

No one gets one, dumbass.

[phone rings] ‐ All right, just‐

just shut up.

‐ Hey there, and how is it going in there, buddy?

Everything good? Everyone okay?

‐ Uh, yeah, we're fine.

Hey, are you really getting me an armored car?

‐ Yeah, we are, buddy, of course.

It‐‐yeah.

It's gonna be here in about, uh, 25 minutes.

‐ You're not just saying that while you're actually planning

to send the SWAT team in here to kill me?

‐ No.

‐ Uh, okay.

Mm, that was a pretty long pause.

‐ You better enjoy that money for now,

because in about 20 minutes,

they're gonna come in here and fuck you up good.

‐ Well, you know what? Why don't you tell me

what you would do?

‐ You got to show them that you mean business,

that you're dangerous.

That way, they're afraid to come in here.

‐ Uh, Kim, maybe we should just let the bank robber finish

whatever he's gonna do so he can be on his way.

‐ Shut up, Frank.

‐ Yeah, quiet, Frank.

I'm holding a bunch of people hostage

in a bank with a gun.

How can I seem more dangerous?

‐ Here, call him back.

‐ Hey there, and how's it going man?

‐ Well‐‐ ‐ Please!

Oh, God please!

He's got a gun to my head and he says he's gonna kill me.

He says he's gonna kill all of us.

‐ Please, we're here to help.

What‐‐what's he saying?

‐ He said if anyone comes near the building,

he's gonna shoot me in the head.

Oh, God he's cocked his gun.

Please, I don't wanna die. ‐ Don't worry, ma'am.

Tell him we're backing away from the building.

Nobody is coming in.

We don't need anybody getting hurt.

‐ Okay, but please, just don't come in here.

He's crazy. He's fucking crazy.

He's gonna kill all of us.

He's not afraid to kill every last one of us.

That ought to buy you some time.

‐ Wow, that was pretty impressive.

‐ Kim, why are you helping this guy?

‐ Shut the fuck up, Frank.

I don't give a fuck if this bank gets robbed.

It's a shitty job, and you're a sexist piece of shit boss

that I never want to go out with, ever.

Here's what you're gonna do.

We share a basement

with the Chinese restaurant next door.

You can take the money through there.

‐ Kim, if you wanna keep your job, then you'd‐

[gunshot] [screams]

‐ She said, "Shut up, Frank."

She said shut your fucking mouth.

‐ Oh, my God, you actually are dangerous.

‐ Oh, yeah. Well, you know,

I'm not just a pretty face.

‐ Huh. I guess not.

[tender music]

[phone rings] ‐ What?

‐ We heard gunshots. Is everyone okay?

‐ Yeah, I shot Frank in the knee.

He's fine. Don't come in.

[sighs]

I'm not gonna be able to carry all these bags at once,

and I need this money.

I'm building a secret lair.

‐ Well, maybe I can help you carry some of it.

‐ Oh, uh, you‐‐you mean like,

um, bring‐‐bring a hostage with me?

‐ No, more like bring a partner with you.

‐ Oh.

‐ I can't feel my leg anymore.

both: Shut up, Frank.

So then we got away, and I used that money

to build my evil empire, and the rest,

as they say, is

[blows raspberry]

‐ Wow, that's quite the tale.

You know, hearing that reminds me

of my own origin story.

I was just a boy.

My parents and I had just gotten out of the opera

when suddenly, a man came up to me and accosted my family.

‐ Wait, wait, wait.

That's Batman's origin story.

‐ I'm sorry, who?

‐ Batman? The superhero Batman?

‐ [sniffs] I'm not familiar with him.

What's his name? Batman?

‐ Yes, Batman.

Bruce Wayne. The Dark Knight?

‐ I've never heard of this Batman.

Is he some sort of baseball‐themed superhero?

‐ Oh, come on, you're‐‐ you're kind of ripping off

his entire gimmick.

‐ What? That's impossible.

‐ Okay, well, let me ask you this.

Are you secretly a billionaire playboy?