Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Dear diary, my life's always been kind of a mess,

but today, shit got literal.

[foreboding music]

Von Duct, we're gonna need to clone some more henchmen.

Had a bit of a bloodbath today at the diamond heist.

‐ Ah, Dr. Havoc,

your timing couldn't have been better.

[clears throat]

I am pleased to announce that as of today,

we are no longer using the henchmen.

‐ What? Why not?

‐ I have just completed the final round

of testing on our newest program,

real cutting‐edge stuff.

It's all the rage in villainy right now.

[clears throat]

Behold.

‐ Oh... [gibberish]

Ooh!

‐ What the fuck am I looking at right now?

‐ [gibberish]

‐ [laughs]

That, Dr. Havoc, is a minion.

‐ A minion? ‐ Now, just to be clear,

when I say he's a minion... [clears throat]

I mean the position that this creature will fulfill

in the service to you is that of a minion.

It is not, in fact,

the creature's proper name.

‐ What's the difference?

‐ About a $15 million lawsuit.

‐ Oh, oh, okay.

In that case, what are their proper names?

‐ iPhone 6S.

‐ Okay.

So why are we doing minions instead of henchmen?

‐ Ah, well, you see, Dr. Havoc,

the minions work in mass numbers,

far more so than the typical henchmen.

[suspenseful music]

[both speaking gibberish]

‐ Oh, I see, so we can make minions

faster than we make henchmen.

‐ Better than that, the minions have the ability

to reproduce on their own at an incredible rate.

‐ Is that, uh‐‐is that what's happening over here?

‐ [grunting] ‐ [moaning]

‐ [laughs] Uh, ye‐‐uh, yes.

The minions can reproduce five‐ to seven‐fold every day.

‐ Yeah. I think this guy

might be shooting blanks over here.

‐ [grunting]

‐ Admittedly, the minions, they are a bit odd,

but trust me, they can be incredibly effective

as a fighting force.

‐ Yeah, that one's chewing on a gun.

‐ [babbling]

[yelps]

‐ Okay, okay.

So‐‐so they're not quite as intelligent as the henchmen.

‐ He's humping the dead one now.

‐ [grunting]

‐ Hey, hey, stop that.

‐ [gibberish]

‐ Look, Von Duct, I don't see

how these fucking little goo balls are ever gonna

be any kind of effective fighting force.

I mean‐‐ ‐ No, no, Dr. Havoc,

there is no‐‐no need for combat acumen

when we can overwhelm the enemy with sheer numbers.

It's the North Korean model.

[clears throat]

Observe what happens

when they work together as a unit.

Minions, bring me the clone machine.

[all speaking gibberish]

‐ Wow. Okay.

Well, that's actually pretty impressive.

‐ Now, just imagine hundreds‐‐

no, thousands of these minions,

an entire army all working together as one.

No forces ever would be able to stop us.

[laughing]

‐ Uh, Von‐‐Von Duct, little, uh...

[clears throat]

‐ I s‐‐hey, hey, don't do that.

I said no! Nein, nein!

Leave your friend alone.

[alarm blaring]

‐ Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

Intruder alert.

‐ All right, move, move, move.

[dramatic music]

‐ Oh, Dr. Havoc, the time is here.

Now we get to see the minion force at work.

Minions, attack!

[all grunting]

‐ [laughs]

The military doesn't know what they're in for.

[gunfire]

‐ Mother of God.

[gunfire continues]

[dramatic rock music]

♪ ♪

‐ [exclaims]

[grunts]

‐ [exclaims]

[grunts]

‐ [exclaims, grunts] ‐ [exclaims]

[grunts]

[both grunting]

‐ Huh?

Oh...

Ooh.

Jcha‐cha!

[grunting, laughing]

♪ ♪

‐ [gibberish] ‐ Oh, God!

One of 'em's got me.

‐ Aha, now we're talking.

♪ ♪

Ah, we were so close.

‐ Oh, God damn it, they're getting in the air ducts.

[all speaking gibberish]