Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Dear diary,

protecting your children is one of life's hardest tasks,

but not killing other people's kids,

now that's real fucking tough.

All right, let me just tweak this here.

Now I'll test this bad boy out. [sighs]

Just turn down this little setting here...

And...

[whirring]

[dramatic music]

Oh! [groans]

‐ Huh? ‐ Hmm?

‐ Sorry about that, guys! [chuckles]

Back to, uh, whatever it is you guys were doing.

‐ [groans]

‐ Wow, this thing is powerful!

Okay, let's see if we can dial this thing down a little bit.

[explosion]

[dramatic music]

‐ Stop right there, Dr. Havoc!

‐ Oh, great, another hole in my walls.

Uh, can I help you?

‐ Your days of evildoing are over.

‐ Prepare to face Action Boy.

‐ And Fantasti‐Girl.

‐ The world's only...

both: Kid superheroes!

‐ Oh, God, I'm gonna have to kill a kid today.

‐ We're here to show you that even the smallest heroes...

‐ Can make a big difference.

‐ Ah, okay, kids,

how exactly do you guys have superpowers?

‐ Our grandfather was a world renowned superhero.

‐ And before he died,

he gave us his superpowers

so that we might carry on

the family legacy of saving the world.

‐ Ah, that is a really fucking terrible idea.

Your grandfather must have had

some kind of Alzheimer's or something.

God, why would anyone think that that‐‐

I mean, Jesus, what a dumb old fuck.

What kind of man gives superpowers to children?

You guys are way too young to be out there

fighting murderers and rapists.

‐ What's a rapist?

‐ Oh, no, Jesus, um, never mind.

‐ Are you a rapist?

‐ No! No, stop.

Forget the word "rapist."

Look, will you get these kids‐‐

‐ Rapist. ‐ No, stop saying it.

‐ Rapist!

‐ All right, take these kids, call their parents,

and just‐‐God, make sure they get home safe.

‐ Oh, yeah, all right. ‐ You got it.

‐ Come here, little boy.

‐ Looks like it's...

both: Action time!

[both grunting]

‐ Hiyah! ‐ [groaning]

[exciting music]

‐ Come on. ‐ Yah!

‐ Oh, here we go.

[both grunting] ‐ Yeah!

‐ [grunting] ‐ Going so fast!

What are you‐‐ ‐ Ha!

‐ Hold on! [exclaiming indistinctly]

‐ Ha! Yah! ‐ Come on!

‐ Can we get some more henchmen down here?

♪ ♪

‐ [groans]

Huh?

[wailing]

‐ Oh, shit, we broke him.

‐ [crying] ‐ Brandon, is your arm okay?

‐ Don't touch it. Don't touch it.

‐ Hey, you got him! ‐ All right!

[all cheering] ‐ Yeah, all right!

‐ Oh, yeah!

‐ Yeah! all: We did it, we did it!

We did it, yeah, we did it! ‐ [crying]

all: We did it!

‐ [sniffling] I want my mom!

[crying]

‐ Von Duct, tell me we can fix this.

‐ Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem.

Uh, we'll just amputate the arm

and then, uh, fit it with a nice robotic prosthetic.

‐ Oh, Jesus, really?

We can't just put it in a sling or something?

‐ [sighs] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We could do that too.

Okay, let's get you patched up, you little boy.

‐ Ew, what does this do?

‐ Ah, no, no, no, no. [laughs]

Little girl, that is not a toy.

‐ [grunts] Cool!

Wow!

[exclaims]

‐ Please put that down.

‐ This is stupid.

Zoing!

Ahh!

‐ [sighs] Okay, back to work.

[line trills]

‐ Hello?

‐ Yeah, is this Brandon's mom?

‐ Yes. Who is this?

‐ Uh, yeah, this is Doctor‐‐

Well, you know what, it's not really important.

What's important is I have your children.

‐ [gasps] Oh, my God, no!

‐ No, no, sorry. My‐‐my bad.

Poorly worded. What I'm trying to say is

that your kids are in my secret lair.

‐ Oh, God! Please don't hurt them.

‐ No, I'm not gonna hurt them.

‐ Ow, you're hurting me!

‐ Okay, I probably should mention that

your son's arm is broken.

‐ Oh, my God, my little Brandon.

You monster!

‐ Hey, hold on, lady. I'm not the one

who let her kids out on a school night

to break into other people's lairs!

Okay? I mean, Jesus,

what kind of an absentee mother are you?

‐ Let me hear their voices.

I need to know that my babies are okay.

‐ Kids, say hi to your mom.

both: Hi, Mom!

‐ Mom, what's a rapist?

‐ [panicked grunt] ‐ What?

What did she just say?

‐ Uh, nothing, nothing, just‐‐

Look, all right, long story short,