Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat instrumental Latin music]

‐ Darren, we're going to the airport!

Are you really gonna stay here?

‐ I paid for the weekend, Kim. I'm staying for the weekend!

Now, Ally, honey, if you want to stay with Daddy‐‐

‐ Fuck you, Dad.

‐ Well, diary, as I sit here alone

in the jefe estupendo suite

of the Puerto Vallarta Radisson,

I can't help but reflect on what has been,

undoubtedly, the worst family vacation ever.

[soft guitar music]

[birds chirping

This is gonna be the best family vacation ever.

‐ I got to say, Darren, I'm really impressed

that you were able to set aside some time

for us just to be a normal family.

‐ Yeah, it'll be nice to have a weekend

where nobody gets killed or blown up.

‐ That's right, just me and my girls this weekend.

No master plans, no evildoings whatsoever.

Just three beautiful days in Puerto Vallarta.

‐ Afternoon, folks, welcome to the Radisson.

‐ Checking in for Havoc.

‐ All right, I'll get you all checked in here.

Now, while you're in the lobby, you folks may want to check out

the Angostina Diamond that we have on display.

It's on loan from "Barthelona,"

and it's one of the rarest

and most expensive diamonds in the world.

‐ Ugh, God damn it, Darren.

‐ Really, Dad? ‐ What?

‐ Are you gonna tell me that we're not here

so you can steal this diamond?

‐ What? No.

I‐I had no idea this diamond was gonna be here‐‐

and with such little security.

Jesus, are there really no guards?

‐ That's it! We're leaving!

‐ No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not here to steal this diamond, okay?

We are here for a family vacation,

and that's it.

‐ Okay, sir, your room is ready.

‐ Thank you. Let's go.

‐ Enjoy your stay.

[upbeat instrumental Latin music]

‐ Okay, folks, there you go. ‐ Thank you.

‐ You know, you're lucky to have landed

the jefe estupendo suite this weekend.

We're all booked up for the G8 summit.

‐ The‐‐the G8 is meeting here?

‐ Oh, yes, sir.

All of the world's leaders are in this one hotel.

It's going to be a very special weekend.

Enjoy your stay!

‐ You son of a bitch!

‐ Okay, hold on.

I know it seems suspect that we're staying

in the same hotel as every world leader,

but I swear to you I had no idea this was going on.

I mean, frankly, I think it's a little irresponsible

for the G98 to be meeting in Puerto Vallarta.

I mean, who's paying that bill, right?

‐ I swear to God, Darren,

if you ruin this vacation...

[whispering] I will fuck...

you up.

‐ Hey, if I was planning on ruining this vacation,

would I have packed matching shirts?

‐ Yeah, I'm not gonna wear that.

‐ Ew, Dad.

[soft instrumental Latin music]

♪ ♪

‐ All right, it's a pretty nice place, huh?

‐ Dad, I can't believe you wore that shirt.

‐ Hey, the shirt is fun.

We're having a fun family vacation.

I'm wearing a fun family vacation shirt.

You know, it'd be a little bit more fun

if you guys wore your shirts.

‐ I'd rather cut my tits off.

‐ Oh, okay, that's real nice restaurant talk.

‐ Whatever, I'm going to the bathroom.

Get me two Diet Cokes, no ice.

‐ I'm gonna join you, honey.

‐ Okay, but when you come back, don't be surprised

if I've ordered a couple margaritas.

‐ Hello, Havoc.

‐ Nighthook, what the fuck are you doing here?

‐ I'm here to stop your assassination attempt.

‐ What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm here with my family.

‐ Oh, and you just so happen to be sitting

next to the ambassador of France.

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

‐ Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Look, Nighthook, this is a big misunderstanding.

I'm here on a family vacation, and if my family sees you,

they are gonna shit a brick.

‐ A likely story. ‐ Look at this shirt!

Huh, all right, well, that checks out.

‐ Thank you. Now, can you please get out of here

before my family sees‐‐ ‐ Who's that, Darren?

‐ Oh, uh... ‐ Oh, uh, this is our waiter.

‐ You are our waiter?

‐ Um, uh, yes, I am.

‐ Why is he dressed like that?

‐ It's a, uh, theme restaurant.

‐ What's the theme? ‐ Darkness.

The theme is darkness. ‐ Oh, God.

So what can I get you ladies?

‐ You know what?

I'd like to hear your specials.

‐ Uh, um, uh, clams

and...uh, chowder.

‐ What kind of chowder?

‐ Clam. Clam chowder.

‐ Your specials are clams and clam chowder?

‐ Yep.

‐ Huh, well, I think I'll go for the clams.

‐ Evening, folks, my name is Jose,

and I'll be your waiter tonight.

‐ I thought he was our waiter.

‐ Uh, I am.

This guy must be an impostor

here to assassinate the ambassador!

‐ What? ‐ Protect the ambassador!

‐ Huh? [gunshots]

[both gasp]

[both murmuring nervously]

‐ Uh...

I'm gonna get those clams started.

‐ Wow.

Mexico sure has gotten dangerous, huh?

‐ Mom!

‐ Call the airline, Darren.

We're leaving tonight.

‐ Okay, then, I'll just get the clams to go.