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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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[upbeat instrumental
Latin music]
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‐ Darren, we're going
to the airport!
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00:00:29,162 --> 00:00:31,002
Are you really gonna stay here?
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‐ I paid for the weekend, Kim.
I'm staying for the weekend!
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00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:36,337
Now, Ally, honey, if you
want to stay with Daddy‐‐
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‐ Fuck you, Dad.
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‐ Well, diary,
as I sit here alone
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00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:44,112
in the jefe estupendo suite
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00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:46,411
of the Puerto Vallarta
Radisson,
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00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:48,353
I can't help but reflect
on what has been,
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00:00:48,348 --> 00:00:51,518
undoubtedly, the worst
family vacation ever.
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[soft guitar music]
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[birds chirping
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This is gonna be
the best family vacation ever.
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‐ I got to say, Darren,
I'm really impressed
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that you were able
to set aside some time
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for us just to be
a normal family.
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00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,404
‐ Yeah, it'll be nice
to have a weekend
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where nobody gets killed
or blown up.
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‐ That's right, just me
and my girls this weekend.
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No master plans,
no evildoings whatsoever.
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Just three beautiful days
in Puerto Vallarta.
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‐ Afternoon, folks,
welcome to the Radisson.
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‐ Checking in for Havoc.
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‐ All right, I'll get you
all checked in here.
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Now, while you're in the lobby,
you folks may want to check out
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the Angostina Diamond
that we have on display.
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It's on loan from "Barthelona,"
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and it's one of the rarest
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and most expensive diamonds
in the world.
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‐ Ugh, God damn it, Darren.
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‐ Really, Dad?
‐ What?
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‐ Are you gonna tell me
that we're not here
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so you can steal this diamond?
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‐ What?
No.
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I‐I had no idea this diamond
was gonna be here‐‐
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and with such little security.
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Jesus, are there really
no guards?
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‐ That's it!
We're leaving!
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‐ No, no, no, no, no.
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I'm not here
to steal this diamond, okay?
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We are here
for a family vacation,
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and that's it.
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‐ Okay, sir,
your room is ready.
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‐ Thank you.
Let's go.
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‐ Enjoy your stay.
49
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,560
[upbeat instrumental
Latin music]
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‐ Okay, folks, there you go.
‐ Thank you.
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‐ You know, you're lucky
to have landed
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the jefe estupendo
suite this weekend.
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We're all booked up
for the G8 summit.
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‐ The‐‐the G8 is meeting here?
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‐ Oh, yes, sir.
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All of the world's leaders
are in this one hotel.
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It's going to be
a very special weekend.
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Enjoy your stay!
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‐ You son of a bitch!
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‐ Okay, hold on.
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I know it seems suspect
that we're staying
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in the same hotel
as every world leader,
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but I swear to you I had
no idea this was going on.
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I mean, frankly, I think
it's a little irresponsible
65
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for the G98 to be meeting
in Puerto Vallarta.
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I mean, who's paying
that bill, right?
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‐ I swear to God, Darren,
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if you ruin this vacation...
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[whispering]
I will fuck...
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you up.
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‐ Hey, if I was planning
on ruining this vacation,
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would I have packed
matching shirts?
73
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‐ Yeah, I'm not
gonna wear that.
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‐ Ew, Dad.
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[soft instrumental
Latin music]
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♪ ♪
77
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‐ All right,
it's a pretty nice place, huh?
78
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‐ Dad, I can't believe
you wore that shirt.
79
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‐ Hey, the shirt is fun.
80
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:19,999
We're having
a fun family vacation.
81
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,100
I'm wearing
a fun family vacation shirt.
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You know, it'd be
a little bit more fun
83
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if you guys wore your shirts.
84
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‐ I'd rather cut my tits off.
85
00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:29,013
‐ Oh, okay, that's real nice
restaurant talk.
86
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,709
‐ Whatever, I'm going
to the bathroom.
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Get me two Diet Cokes, no ice.
88
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‐ I'm gonna join you, honey.
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00:03:34,681 --> 00:03:37,381
‐ Okay, but when you come back,
don't be surprised
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if I've ordered
a couple margaritas.
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‐ Hello, Havoc.
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‐ Nighthook, what the fuck
are you doing here?
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‐ I'm here to stop
your assassination attempt.
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‐ What the fuck
are you talking about?
95
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I'm here with my family.
96
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,971
‐ Oh, and you just so happen
to be sitting
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next to the ambassador
of France.
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[chuckles]
Yeah, right.
99
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‐ Oh, you got to be
fucking kidding me.
100
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,913
Look, Nighthook, this is
a big misunderstanding.
101
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:06,079
I'm here on a family vacation,
and if my family sees you,
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they are gonna shit a brick.
103
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‐ A likely story.
‐ Look at this shirt!
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Huh, all right, well,
that checks out.
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‐ Thank you. Now, can you
please get out of here
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before my family sees‐‐
‐ Who's that, Darren?
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‐ Oh, uh...
‐ Oh, uh, this is our waiter.
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‐ You are our waiter?
109
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‐ Um, uh, yes, I am.
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‐ Why is he dressed like that?
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00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,074
‐ It's a, uh, theme restaurant.
112
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‐ What's the theme?
‐ Darkness.
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The theme is darkness.
‐ Oh, God.
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So what can I get you ladies?
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‐ You know what?
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I'd like to hear your specials.
117
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‐ Uh, um, uh, clams
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and...uh, chowder.
119
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‐ What kind of chowder?
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‐ Clam.
Clam chowder.
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‐ Your specials
are clams and clam chowder?
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‐ Yep.
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00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,144
‐ Huh, well, I think
I'll go for the clams.
124
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,166
‐ Evening, folks,
my name is Jose,
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and I'll be
your waiter tonight.
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‐ I thought he was our waiter.
127
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‐ Uh, I am.
128
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:11,506
This guy must be an impostor
129
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here to assassinate
the ambassador!
130
00:05:13,446 --> 00:05:15,646
‐ What?
‐ Protect the ambassador!
131
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‐ Huh?
[gunshots]
132
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[both gasp]
133
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:22,118
[both murmuring nervously]
134
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,962
‐ Uh...
135
00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,187
I'm gonna get
those clams started.
136
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‐ Wow.
137
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,503
Mexico sure has gotten
dangerous, huh?
138
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‐ Mom!
139
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‐ Call the airline, Darren.
140
00:05:36,303 --> 00:05:38,343
We're leaving tonight.
141
00:05:38,338 --> 00:06:01,998
‐ Okay, then, I'll just get
the clams to go.
10316
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