Original subtitles

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Dear diary, when all your friends are villains

it's hard to find time to get together.

So when we do, we like to get wild.

[HARD ROCK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Hey, hey.

Heyo! There he is.

Hey, somebody call the cops.

We've got international super villains

General Plague and MegaHammer in the house.

What is up, gentlemen?

Ah, you know, same shit, different day.

Hey, MegaHammer, uh, I thought we were doing costumes.

Actually, I'm not a super villain anymore.

I'm retired.

Yeah, you haven't heard?

No. Well, yeah,

this guy's fucking married now.

Oh, what?

And, I got a kid on the way.

A mini MegaHammer?

Hey, I don't go by MegaHammer anymore.

Just Matt. With two T's.

Matt, huh? Oh. Oh, all right.

Matt with two T's.

Sitting next to me, super.

Hi, guys. Welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings.

My name's Wendy.

Can I get you all started off with some drinks?

Hmm, I'm gonna have your house IPA.

Hm, I will also have your house IPA.

I'm gonna have the other IPA.

All right, cool, sounds great.

Should I get some waters for the table?

Uh, Wendy, we're a bunch of super villains

out on a Friday night.

I don't think we'll be needing any waters.

Am I right, guys? Ha, you are right, my friend.

Of course, that being said, I do need some water

to take a pill.

Oh, okay, well, um, I guess, one water, for him.

Thank you.

So, when's everybody else showing up?

This is it. What?

What about Professor Dark Heart?

He's dead. Oh. Jesus.

Evil Eddie?

He's in prison.

Damn. BluntForce?

He died...

...while in prison.

Oh. Tough time being a villain these days.

Yeah, no kidding.

You know, I'm actually thinking

about maybe retiring myself.

What? General, come on.

What are you gonna do?

Well, you guys, now that we're talking about it...

"I've actually got a new job.

"In fact, I'm like my own boss.

"I make my own hours,

"I work from home, and the best part is

"I can even make money when I'm not working.

"I'd love to talk to you guys

about this exciting‐‐" All right, Matt. Matt.

Don't‐‐ Don't be that guy.

"All right, can we talk about it later, maybe,

I have an amazing chart to show you."

Yeah, yeah, we'll‐‐ We'll‐‐

We'll look at the charts later.

Let's get a few beers in us

before we start busting out the graphs.

All right, that's fair.

Hey, beers are here.

All right, so I got an IPA over here.

Mm.

WENDY: And an IPA over here.

Mm.

And a different IPA over here. Ha, ha.

Mm‐mm.

And here's your water for your pill.

Thank you, Wendy.

[WHISPERS] Is that for your penis?

It's okay, you can tell me,

at one time, I wanted to be a nurse.

Uh, thanks, Wendy, we're‐‐ We're all set.

Ah, guys, I just‐‐

I feel like things aren't as fun as they used to be anymore.

Hey, come on, we still have fun together.

Ha, ha. You guys remember the time

we robbed that bank in New Orleans.

Oh, my God, and you used

that freeze ray on the fucking fat guard.

Ha, ha. Now those were the days.

You know what? We should do something like that tonight.

Rob a bank?

No, I mean, banks are closed, but...

you know, we should rob some place.

Not this place. Some‐‐ Some other place.

I'll come back.

What do you guys say?

Who's up for a good old‐fashioned stick‐em‐up?

Yeah. Yeah! I'm in.

All right, what the hell.

For old time's sake.

Ha, oh, fuck yeah!

All right.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Are you sure we should go this way?

Looks a little sketchy.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

Oh, man, these guys don't know what they're in for.

Ha, oh, this is gonna be so good.

[♪♪♪♪♪]

Put your fucking hands up! Aah.

Give us your wallet and your purse. Now!

The fuck?

No. No, no. These are our guys.

We're mugging them.

What'd you just say?

You heard me, pal. We were waiting

at the end of this alley for like 20 minutes.

Fuck you, old man. We were here first.

I‐I'm sorry. Who am I giving my wallet to?

All right, just hold on. All right.

Listen, guys, I don't think you know who you're dealing with.

I'm Dr. Havoc. All right?

This is General Plague.

And this guy‐‐

Well, this guy used to be MegaHammer

but now he's just kinda caught up in a pyramid scheme.

Every business is a pyramid when you think about it.

Thank you, Matt. You have a boss, don't you?

Does he make more money than you? That's a pyramid.

Thank you, Matt, that's a very good point.

Proven your point, sir. Look at this graph.

Oh, here we go. You said we could talk about it.

Yeah, can we just‐‐ Let's wait until

that we have completed the robbery,

and then we will discuss your charts.

That's fair.

Look, I've never heard of you guys, okay?

Well, heh, I mean, we're pretty big time, so...

I know most villains.

Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you, dude.

You want my fucking ID card?

I'm Dr. Havoc.

I'm sorry, but we really have to be going.

Just hold on.

Aah.

BOTH: Whoa.

Oh, shit. Nice piece, bro.

You like that, huh?

Yeah, just your classic freeze ray.

What about you guys?

You got cool weapons too?

Eh, I'm more of a powers guy.

[GRUNTING]

Yeah, I got a superpower for you.

It's called financial independence.

If you look right here on this pamphlet‐‐

Matt, put the pamphlets away

for five fucking minutes, please.

Five minutes, that's fair.

Thank you, I'll tell you what, guys.

Why don't we just split this one?

Yeah, all right, I'm cool with that.

All right, great.

Well, let's see, I got the cash.

Couple hundred bucks.

Whoa, whoa. Bro, you throw away the cards?

Yeah, what the hell you gonna do with the cards?

Fucking identity theft, grandpa.

Oh, man, you guys are fucked.

Oh, guys, come on!

Hey, what are you guys up to tonight?

We know a place where this kind of money

goes a long way.

[HARD ROCK PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[ALL GASPING AND GRUNTING]

All right, well, I'm gonna excuse myself

to the little MegaHammer's room.

You know, fellas, tonight's on us.

Nice. Thanks.

I like you guys.

Oh, my goodness. I might have overdone it.

I've gotta go get some pills out of my car. Ha, ha.

Yeah, I probably better go call the old ball and chain.

Let her know I'm gonna be staying out

a little bit later than I said.

Yeah, you are. All right.