Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ And so, diary,

we have officially secured the nuclear codes.

They're safe and sound in my lair,

and I gotta say, it's nice to have a day

that's just one big win.

‐ Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

‐ Son of a bitch.

Never mind.

♪ ♪

God, I fucking hate Mondays.

‐ Intruder, please remain calm.

Personnel will be arriving shortly

to assist you in your death.

‐ He's got the nuclear codes. Get him!

What the fuck are you two doing?

‐ We're waiting our turn. ‐ Your turn?

No, just go fight him all at once.

‐ Sir, combat rule number one of the Henchmen Handbook,

never interrupt a fellow Henchman's fight.

That would be rude.

‐ Fights are to be fought one at a time

as to wear out your enemy,

thereby allowing you to eventually gain victory

via exhaustion.

‐ I don't care what the fucking Henchman Handbook says.

Just go fight him.

‐ Trust me, sir, there's a right way

and a wrong way to be a Henchman, okay?

Oh, yeah. He's dead.

‐ Ooh, my turn!

[grunting]

Here we go. Let's go.

‐ Stab him in the chest. God damn!

‐ Uh, sir, rule number 14 of the Henchman Handbook:

if you are fighting with a deadly weapon,

you first need to show off your skills

with that deadly weapon

so as to properly intimidate your enemy.

‐ [grunting]

‐ Jesus Christ, this Handbook

sure covers a lot of stupid shit.

‐ Oh, it covers everything, sir.

For example, rule number 6, briefs only.

No boxers.

Boxer briefs if you're a cold‐weather Henchmen.

‐ Oh, yeah, that's super. Excuse me.

You see? Isn't this effective?

Isn't this easy?

You see how effective this can be?

‐ [groaning]

‐ Oh, feel fucking great after that.

‐ Sorry, it's just, uh...

‐ Yeah, I know. It's your turn.

‐ All right, buddy, there you‐‐

‐ Adios, fuckholes.

‐ Von Duct. ‐ Ah, Dr. Havoc.

‐ Why are the Henchmen so goddamn stupid?

‐ Well, uh, Dr. Havoc,

as you know, all the Henchmen are clones.

Given that we go through so many of them,

we could never afford actual soldiers.

‐ Yeah, I get why you're cooking 'em up in the lab here.

But what I wanna know is

why they have to be so fucking dumb.

‐ Well, you see, Dr. Havoc,

I can grow a clone's body to an adult size,

but the brains are basically brand‐new

and have to mature at a normal human rate.

‐ Wait, what the hell are you telling me?

‐ Let me show you our Henchman training program.

[soft lullaby music playing]

‐ Wah.

‐ When clones are first created,

they have the mind of a baby.

‐ Wait, wait a minute. All my Henchmen are babies?

‐ No, no, no. Come on, Dr. Havoc, no.

When they start, they have the mind of a baby.

The fully developed Henchman is between 8 to 12 years old.

‐ What?

‐ Dada.

‐ Uh, uh‐‐Von Duct?

‐ Oh, so‐‐sorry. No, no, here you go.

‐ [laughs]

‐ At this phase,

I teach them the basic motor skills.

You know, how to walk,

early knife wielding, et cetera.

Who's a good little Henchman?

Who's a good little Henchman?

Okay. Go get it.

[both crying] ‐ [exclaiming]

‐ Ah, look at them.

Okay, now let me show you some more developed Henchmen.

‐ Are you, uh‐‐ are you gonna need your keys?

‐ Nah, I'll come back for them later.

Follow me.

Hmm, I guess it's locked. You know what?

I'm actually going to need those keys after all.

‐ All right.

[sighs]

[humming]

‐ Okay, here we go.

So these are the 8 to 12 year old minds.

As soon as a Henchman is able to read,

he is given the Henchman Handbook

and he memorizes it cover to cover.

both: "When shooting at an enemy vehicle,

"aim for the bumper and/or mirrors.

"Do not aim for the driver

as this could result in a dangerous accident."

‐ This book covers everything from general combat practices

to security protocols and advanced weapons training.

‐ Pull back to load bullet.

Aim and pull trigger.

[whimpers] God, it's so loud.

[whining]

‐ So that's why Henchmen are such terrible shots?

Because they're children?

‐ No, no, no, they have the mind of the children.

Now, we don't have time to cover everything

like math and science with them.

But this book pretty much leaves them prepared

for life of the Henchman.

‐ Well, what if we just waited until their minds

were a little more mature?

‐ [laughs] Dr. Havoc,

I'm one step ahead of you.

I've actually been working on holding back

a select group of Henchmen

to allow their minds to mature to a more adult age.

But, uh... [laughs]

Right now they're in the teenage phase, and it's...

[sighs]

It is not going very well.

[rock music]

Hey, hey, I thought I told you to clean up this room.

‐ Fuck you! ‐ Yeah!

Fuck you, Professor Von Dick.

[laughter] ‐ Good one.

‐ Yeah.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey, where is your brother?

Hey, stop that.

Now stop that! ‐ You're not my real dad!

‐ [sighs]

We have to hose out that room like once a week.

It's really becoming a problem.

‐ Well, why don't we just change

some of the rules in this book?

I mean, for example,

how about Henchman fight an enemy all at once?

‐ Mm, the Henchman Handbook has been around for decades.

It's the gold standard for the Henchmen conduct.

I don't think we should just go around just changing the rules.

‐ Just fucking change the goddamn rules, Jesus.

[suspenseful music]

‐ Ha! Hello, Havoc.

‐ All right, guys, we've been practicing.

Everybody all at once. Go.

♪ ♪

[grunting]

Yeah, it's working.

♪ ♪

‐ Ow, you hit me. ‐ No, I didn't.

‐ Oh, no. ‐ You did hit him!

I saw. ‐ Nuh‐uh!

‐ Hey, don't push him.

[all grunting]

‐ You get off of me. Get off of me.

‐ Don't give me a noogie. ‐ Stop it!

‐ Ow! ‐ Stop hitting yourself.

[screaming] ‐ All right, that's it.

No one's getting ice cream.

[disappointed groaning]

‐ Adorable.

[dramatic music]