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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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‐ And so, diary,
4
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:28,332
we have officially secured
the nuclear codes.
5
00:00:28,328 --> 00:00:29,998
They're safe and sound
in my lair,
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and I gotta say,
it's nice to have a day
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that's just one big win.
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‐ Intruder alert.
Intruder alert.
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[tense music]
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♪ ♪
11
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‐ Son of a bitch.
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Never mind.
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00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:51,016
♪ ♪
14
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God, I fucking hate Mondays.
15
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‐ Intruder,
please remain calm.
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Personnel will
be arriving shortly
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to assist you in your death.
18
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‐ He's got the nuclear codes.
Get him!
19
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What the fuck
are you two doing?
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‐ We're waiting our turn.
‐ Your turn?
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No, just go fight him
all at once.
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‐ Sir, combat rule number one
of the Henchmen Handbook,
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never interrupt
a fellow Henchman's fight.
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That would be rude.
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‐ Fights are to be
fought one at a time
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as to wear out your enemy,
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thereby allowing you
to eventually gain victory
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via exhaustion.
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‐ I don't care what the fucking
Henchman Handbook says.
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Just go fight him.
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‐ Trust me, sir,
there's a right way
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and a wrong way
to be a Henchman, okay?
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Oh, yeah.
He's dead.
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‐ Ooh, my turn!
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[grunting]
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Here we go.
Let's go.
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‐ Stab him in the chest.
God damn!
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‐ Uh, sir, rule number 14
of the Henchman Handbook:
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if you are fighting
with a deadly weapon,
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you first need
to show off your skills
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with that deadly weapon
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so as to properly
intimidate your enemy.
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‐ [grunting]
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‐ Jesus Christ,
this Handbook
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00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:08,964
sure covers
a lot of stupid shit.
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‐ Oh, it covers
everything, sir.
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For example,
rule number 6, briefs only.
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00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,297
No boxers.
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Boxer briefs if you're
a cold‐weather Henchmen.
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‐ Oh, yeah, that's super.
Excuse me.
51
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You see?
Isn't this effective?
52
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Isn't this easy?
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You see how effective
this can be?
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‐ [groaning]
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‐ Oh, feel fucking great
after that.
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‐ Sorry, it's just, uh...
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‐ Yeah, I know.
It's your turn.
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‐ All right, buddy,
there you‐‐
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‐ Adios, fuckholes.
60
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:57,781
‐ Von Duct.
‐ Ah, Dr. Havoc.
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‐ Why are the Henchmen
so goddamn stupid?
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‐ Well, uh, Dr. Havoc,
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as you know,
all the Henchmen are clones.
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00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,348
Given that we go through
so many of them,
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we could never afford
actual soldiers.
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‐ Yeah, I get why you're
cooking 'em up in the lab here.
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00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:11,634
But what I wanna know is
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00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:13,525
why they have to be
so fucking dumb.
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‐ Well, you see, Dr. Havoc,
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I can grow a clone's body
to an adult size,
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but the brains are
basically brand‐new
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and have to mature at
a normal human rate.
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‐ Wait, what the hell
are you telling me?
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‐ Let me show you
our Henchman training program.
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[soft lullaby music playing]
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‐ Wah.
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‐ When clones
are first created,
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they have the mind of a baby.
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‐ Wait, wait a minute.
All my Henchmen are babies?
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‐ No, no, no.
Come on, Dr. Havoc, no.
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When they start,
they have the mind of a baby.
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The fully developed Henchman
is between 8 to 12 years old.
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‐ What?
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‐ Dada.
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‐ Uh, uh‐‐Von Duct?
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‐ Oh, so‐‐sorry.
No, no, here you go.
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‐ [laughs]
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‐ At this phase,
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I teach them
the basic motor skills.
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You know, how to walk,
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early knife wielding,
et cetera.
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Who's a good little Henchman?
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00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,746
Who's a good
little Henchman?
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Okay.
Go get it.
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[both crying]
‐ [exclaiming]
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‐ Ah, look at them.
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Okay, now let me show you
some more developed Henchmen.
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‐ Are you, uh‐‐
are you gonna need your keys?
99
00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,733
‐ Nah, I'll come back
for them later.
100
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Follow me.
101
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:31,471
Hmm, I guess it's locked.
You know what?
102
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I'm actually going to
need those keys after all.
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‐ All right.
104
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[sighs]
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[humming]
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‐ Okay, here we go.
107
00:05:00,033 --> 00:05:02,443
So these are
the 8 to 12 year old minds.
108
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:04,065
As soon as a Henchman
is able to read,
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00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,640
he is given
the Henchman Handbook
110
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,409
and he memorizes it
cover to cover.
111
00:05:07,407 --> 00:05:10,037
both: "When shooting
at an enemy vehicle,
112
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,913
"aim for the bumper
and/or mirrors.
113
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,983
"Do not aim for the driver
114
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:18,491
as this could result
in a dangerous accident."
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00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:21,885
‐ This book covers everything
from general combat practices
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00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,928
to security protocols
and advanced weapons training.
117
00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:26,985
‐ Pull back to load bullet.
118
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Aim and pull trigger.
119
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[whimpers]
God, it's so loud.
120
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:37,198
[whining]
121
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,469
‐ So that's why Henchmen
are such terrible shots?
122
00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:43,084
Because they're children?
123
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:46,146
‐ No, no, no, they have
the mind of the children.
124
00:05:46,146 --> 00:05:48,546
Now, we don't have time
to cover everything
125
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:50,878
like math and science
with them.
126
00:05:50,884 --> 00:05:53,854
But this book pretty much
leaves them prepared
127
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:55,594
for life of the Henchman.
128
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,189
‐ Well, what if we just waited
until their minds
129
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were a little more mature?
130
00:05:58,425 --> 00:06:00,355
‐ [laughs]
Dr. Havoc,
131
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I'm one step ahead of you.
132
00:06:01,828 --> 00:06:03,498
I've actually been working on
holding back
133
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:04,926
a select group of Henchmen
134
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:09,101
to allow their minds to
mature to a more adult age.
135
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,642
But, uh...
[laughs]
136
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,967
Right now they're in
the teenage phase, and it's...
137
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,544
[sighs]
138
00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,342
It is not going very well.
139
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[rock music]
140
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Hey, hey, I thought I told you
to clean up this room.
141
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‐ Fuck you!
‐ Yeah!
142
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,259
Fuck you,
Professor Von Dick.
143
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:29,915
[laughter]
‐ Good one.
144
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,493
‐ Yeah.
145
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:33,961
♪ ♪
146
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‐ Hey, where is your brother?
147
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,299
Hey, stop that.
148
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Now stop that!
‐ You're not my real dad!
149
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:43,772
‐ [sighs]
150
00:06:43,770 --> 00:06:46,340
We have to hose out that room
like once a week.
151
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,409
It's really becoming a problem.
152
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:49,478
‐ Well, why don't
we just change
153
00:06:49,476 --> 00:06:50,876
some of the rules
in this book?
154
00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:52,377
I mean, for example,
155
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:55,179
how about Henchman fight
an enemy all at once?
156
00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:58,751
‐ Mm, the Henchman Handbook
has been around for decades.
157
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,152
It's the gold standard
for the Henchmen conduct.
158
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,934
I don't think we should just go
around just changing the rules.
159
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,355
‐ Just fucking change
the goddamn rules, Jesus.
160
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:15,095
[suspenseful music]
161
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‐ Ha!
Hello, Havoc.
162
00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:19,210
‐ All right, guys,
we've been practicing.
163
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Everybody all at once.
Go.
164
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:23,008
♪ ♪
165
00:07:23,009 --> 00:07:25,079
[grunting]
166
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,453
Yeah, it's working.
167
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:30,218
♪ ♪
168
00:07:30,216 --> 00:07:32,716
‐ Ow, you hit me.
‐ No, I didn't.
169
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,319
‐ Oh, no.
‐ You did hit him!
170
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,321
I saw.
‐ Nuh‐uh!
171
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,023
‐ Hey, don't push him.
172
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,134
[all grunting]
173
00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,326
‐ You get off of me.
Get off of me.
174
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,829
‐ Don't give me a noogie.
‐ Stop it!
175
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:45,600
‐ Ow!
‐ Stop hitting yourself.
176
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:47,568
[screaming]
‐ All right, that's it.
177
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:49,497
No one's getting ice cream.
178
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:52,272
[disappointed groaning]
179
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,342
‐ Adorable.
180
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,979
[dramatic music]
12750
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