Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Hmm... Mm‐hmm.

♪ ♪

‐ Uh, sir, our radar is showing

that military forces are approaching the base.

‐ Uh, God damn it.

All right, sound the alarm.

‐ Attention, all evil personnel,

Dr. Havoc's lair is currently under attack.

All henchmen, please report to your battle stations.

[glass shatters]

[alarm blaring] ‐ Sorry, Professor Von Duct.

‐ God damn it, how am I supposed to keep

the evil laboratory going without any help?

Oh, Professor Von Duct,

you make such amazing creations,

it keeps the whole evil enterprise running.

Oh, what's that?

You'd like one permanent assistant?

Nein! Dr. Havoc needs

all the henchmen, all the time

'cause he's so [bleep] important.

[shouting in German]

Dr. Havoc.

‐ We're under attack. I'm gonna need a gun.

‐ Yes, of course. Here you are.

‐ This is‐‐ this is a fucking pen.

‐ Or so one would think.

It's one of my newest creations, the pen gun.

Looks and feels like a normal everyday ballpoint pen.

But then you shoot, boom.

[laughs]

Big fucking gun.

‐ Uh, no. No, thank you.

I'll put this in my pocket

and shoot my Goddamn nipple off.

‐ Okay, okay. No problem, no problem.

There's something a little bigger.

What about...

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Okay, all right, right here.

Look at this, looks, mm, just your typical office chair

that you might buy at the OfficeMax

or something like that, you know.

But then, it's a gun.

‐ You want me to drag an office chair around

from room to room? That's what you want me to do.

‐ Okay, point‐‐point taken.

Smaller than a chair, bigger than a pen...

[laughing] It's like a riddle.

Okay, why don't I just turn on this light here?

Hmm. [giggles]

Spoiler alert, it's a gun.

‐ No. ‐ How you met my new dog?

His name's gun. ‐ God, no.

‐ Why am I wearing an adult diaper?

Answer, it's a gun!

‐ No, I don't want a dog‐gun. I don't want a lamp‐gun.

I just want a regular Goddamn gun‐gun.

‐ Okay, then why don't you just say

"I want a regular gun‐gun"?

I have gun‐guns everywhere.

Here's a regular gun‐gun.

‐ All right, now this is what I'm talking about.

‐ Yeah, it's got quite a kick.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Dr. Havoc!

‐ [groans]

This is not a regular gun.

‐ I thought you said you wanted a gun‐gun.

You see, it looks and feels like a regular gun,

but actually it's a‐‐oh, wait. Oh, okay.

I see where the miscommunication

may have happened.

‐ Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you?

Why can't you just make a regular weapon?

‐ With all due respect, Dr. Havoc,

I'm a mad scientist.

I make weapons of genius.

I mean, you just want a gun? Go to fucking Walmart.

‐ I can't believe that in this entire lab,

we don't have any normal guns.

‐ Dr. Havoc, you're an evil supervillain.

Supervillains don't kill with guns.

They kill with style, with artistry.

Kill a man with a pen,

now that's what a Goddamn supervillain does.

Prime minister assassinated by terrier?

Ha! Now that's some evil shit.

‐ Well, the prime minister isn't here.

But you know who is? The fucking military.

And you know what they got?

Guns!

A shitload of big‐ass guns.

So unless they ask me for my autograph,

I'm gonna have a hard time

fighting them off with a fucking BiC!

‐ Dr Havoc, Dr. Havoc!

The army's breached the security entrance,

and the henchmen, we don't have enough weapons.

‐ God damn it.

I've got the U. S. military coming after me

and instead of an armory,

I have a fucking IKEA showroom!

Wait a minute.

Okay, maybe I have an idea.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

‐ Go, go, go!

‐ That seems like a pretty good deal.

‐ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, definitely.

These vases are worth at least $3.

You get a free $3 vase.

Absolutely. ‐ Oh, oh, wow.

You've got yourself a deal, my friend.

‐ Okay, perfect, I love that. ‐ All right.

Pleasure doing business with you.

‐ What are they doing?

‐ It looks like they're having some sort of a estate sale.

‐ Oh, shit.

Did the bad guy move out?

‐ What's going on in here? ‐ I have no idea.

‐ Guys, guys, there's a pretty good deal on this lamp.

[gunshot]

‐ Now.

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

[evil laughter]

♪ ♪

‐ We're winning!

‐ This is a true supervillain plan that we came up with.

‐ That I came up with.

‐ Uh, yes, yes, of course. That you came up with.

Uh, by the way, I've been meaning to ask of you.

Uh, could I possibly have

a permanent assistant for the lab?

You know, to make more great weapons like this and, uh‐‐

‐ Boss, my gun, it's jammed.

‐ Well, actually, that's just a regular chair.

‐ Oh, okay. Thanks.

[groaning]

‐ Yeah, he can be your assistant.

‐ Oh.

‐ And so, diary,

I guess the lesson today is

being a supervillain requires

more than just being evil.

It requires style and a little creativity.

Basically, today I learned that I'm an artist

and a pretty Goddamn good one at that.

[gunshot] Oh, God.

Oh, my nipple. Oh, fuck, my nipple's gone.

It is gone.

Kim!