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[dramatic music]
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♪ ♪
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[foreboding music]
4
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♪ ♪
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‐ Who is it?
6
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Who is it?
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Take the lights out
of my eyes‐‐
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oh, crap, it's Dr. Havoc!
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‐ Well, well, well.
10
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If it isn't my arch‐nemesis,
secret agent Brock Mason.
11
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‐ Dr. Havoc, you're never
gonna get away with this.
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‐ Oh, I think I will.
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‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What‐‐what are you‐‐
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are you‐‐
you're just gonna shoot me?
15
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‐ Uh, yeah.
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I'm gonna shoot you
in the face.
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‐ Wait, whoa.
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[muttering] What're you‐‐
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dude, dude.
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[stammers]
Whoa, hold on.
21
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Don't you want to kill me
in some sort of dynamic way?
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Like a pit of sharks,
or a timed explosive?
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Or bury me in concrete while
classical music is playing.
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Or just bees.
Like, a shitload of bees.
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‐ What? No.
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Why‐‐why would I have
any of that?
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That's got liability
written all over it.
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Besides, I think shooting
someone in the face
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is pretty dynamic.
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Hey, Kyle?
‐ Yeah, boss?
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[gunshot]
‐ Jesus Christ!
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[thump]
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Ah! Oh, my God.
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‐ Yeah, can I get
a Kyle 2 in here
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to clean up all this blood?
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‐ What the fuck, Havoc?
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‐ See?
Now, wasn't that dynamic?
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Okay, time for you to die.
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‐ Wait.
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Before you kill me,
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don't you want to brag
about all the elaborate details
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of your master plan?
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‐ No, why‐‐
why would I want to do that?
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‐ You know, so‐‐so‐‐
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you can throw it in my face
about how I failed to stop you
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and how brilliant your plan is
47
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while explaining
every aspect of it,
48
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including the theoretical ways
that I could stop you
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if I wasn't so tied up
right now, and...
50
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how that could happen.
51
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,936
‐ No, it would take too long
to explain.
52
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,895
It's, like,
a 20‐page‐long plan.
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I wrote it down once
for a Dick Talk.
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‐ A Dick Talk?
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‐ Yeah, it's like an evil
TED Talk.
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‐ Yeah, I bet the women
like a good Dick Talk.
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[both chuckling]
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He knows what
I'm talking about.
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‐ How do you mean, Brock?
‐ [chuckling] What?
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‐ No, I‐‐I was just wondering
if you could explain that joke.
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What do you mean,
"Women like a good Dick Talk?"
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‐ You know, like‐‐like...
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women and penises and mouths
and...
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and holes and stuff.
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‐ Oh, women, penises, mouths,
and holes and stuff.
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Okay, I'll let
your loved ones know
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those were your
last words.
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‐ Is this because
I fucked your wife?
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‐ No, Brock, it's not‐‐
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not everything has to do
with my wife, Brock.
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[cell phone ringing]
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Damn it.
‐ Darren!
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‐ Oh, hey, put it on speaker.
Put it on speaker.
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00:03:04,384 --> 00:03:05,454
‐ Hey, honey.
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‐ Aw, you suck.
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‐ What the fuck, Darren?
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Do you know where I am
right now?
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‐ Hopefully getting tested
for an STD.
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‐ Our credit card just got
declined at Bloomingdale's.
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‐ Look, honey, can we talk
about this later?
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00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:21,496
I'm about to kill
my arch‐nemesis.
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‐ Oh, Brock's there?
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‐ Tell her that
she left her purse
84
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at my place last Wednesday.
85
00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,738
‐ Oh, tell him don't worry
about it.
86
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I'm getting a new one
at Bloomingdale's right now.
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‐ Caroline, I need you to stop
having sex with my enemies.
88
00:03:32,512 --> 00:03:34,112
‐ Oh, please, Darren,
it's nothing.
89
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It's like once a week.
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‐ Once a week?
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‐ Yeah, we call it
Bang Wednesday.
92
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‐ Why wouldn't you just call it
Hump Day?
93
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,294
‐ Aw, shit, that's better.
94
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‐ Honey, listen, why can't you
just go buy
95
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a nice, affordable purse,
you know?
96
00:03:45,592 --> 00:03:46,792
Like from JCPenny.
97
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:49,203
‐ Oh, yeah,
that's a great idea.
98
00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:50,696
In fact,
99
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I'll be able to buy
a much smaller purse
100
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:54,669
since I won't have to worry
about carrying around
101
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,498
my self‐respect anymore.
102
00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:57,503
[laughs]
103
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Fuck you, Darren!
104
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Fuck you!
105
00:04:00,707 --> 00:04:03,477
Jesus Christ,
why don't I just go in there
106
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,107
with a stack of coupons from‐‐
107
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:10,783
[stammers] oh, wherever
poor people get coupons!
108
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,594
Gah! Fuck you!
Ma'am?
109
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,757
Ma'am, I'm on the phone.
110
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,086
Oh, this Latina lady's
scared now.
111
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:22,731
Maybe if you hadn't spent
all of our goddamn money
112
00:04:22,729 --> 00:04:25,569
on a goddamn photon laser...
113
00:04:25,565 --> 00:04:27,525
‐ Hey, I didn't buy
the warranty, did I?
114
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:31,004
Even though that thing is
an accident waiting to happen.
115
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,414
Look, honey, when I take
over the world,
116
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,436
I will give you Italy,
117
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:38,182
and you can go have all
the purses you could dream of.
118
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:40,678
‐ You said that six
master plans ago.
119
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,180
‐ Yes, but this time
it's gonna work!
120
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,122
I have Brock right here,
and I'm gonna‐‐
121
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,247
[laser charging]
122
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Fuck.
123
00:04:46,253 --> 00:04:47,723
‐ He escaped again, didn't he?
124
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,921
‐ No. Nope, he's right here.
125
00:04:49,923 --> 00:04:52,393
All right, Brock,
time to die.
126
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Play along.
127
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Pow, pow‐pow.
128
00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,695
‐ Oh‐‐oh, fuck.
129
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Oh, right in the dick, he's‐‐
is where he shot me.
130
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,599
‐ No, no, no.
‐ Oh, I mean in my face.
131
00:05:01,601 --> 00:05:02,901
He shot me in my face,
132
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,243
not the part that talks,
133
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,807
but the other part,
a different part of the‐‐oh.
134
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:07,807
Oh!
‐ Gotta go.
135
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,038
Brock Mason's dead, honey.
136
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,042
A lot of blood to clean up.
‐ Darren!
137
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:11,113
‐ Love you.
138
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,808
‐ What? What?
139
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:14,954
Oh, I'm yelling?!
140
00:05:14,948 --> 00:05:16,978
Okay, I'm sorry.
Lo siento.
141
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,121
Lo siento.
142
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,619
‐ God, that was embarrassing.
143
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:21,990
‐ You know what's embarrassing?
144
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,618
Your goddamn performance.
145
00:05:23,623 --> 00:05:25,563
Jesus Christ, take a fuckin'
improv class.
146
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:28,089
‐ Okay, well,
you're gonna hate my encore
147
00:05:28,094 --> 00:05:30,434
where the good guy wins and
then bones a couple waitresses
148
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,000
to celebrate,
I'll tell you that much.
149
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,968
‐ So what now?
You gonna shoot me in the face?
150
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:34,997
‐ Well...
[crash]
151
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,101
I could.
I could kill you now.
152
00:05:37,103 --> 00:05:40,273
And prevent any of your future
evildoings for all time.
153
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,243
Or I could break your
stupid laser
154
00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,582
and get your wife
really pissed at you.
155
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:47,205
‐ I'm really hoping you're
about to shoot me in the face
156
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:48,624
right now.
157
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:49,675
[crash]
158
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:51,023
Goddamn it.
159
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:54,347
‐ Now, that's what I call
a Dick Talk.
160
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,524
‐ That joke still doesn't work.
161
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,263
So, diary, it looks like
the lesson we learned today
162
00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:02,399
is if you're gonna buy
a photon laser,
163
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,025
always, always
164
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,901
spring for the warranty.
165
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:11,910
[reflective music]
11809
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