Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[foreboding music]

♪ ♪

‐ Who is it?

Who is it?

Take the lights out of my eyes‐‐

oh, crap, it's Dr. Havoc!

‐ Well, well, well.

If it isn't my arch‐nemesis, secret agent Brock Mason.

‐ Dr. Havoc, you're never gonna get away with this.

‐ Oh, I think I will.

‐ Whoa, whoa, whoa. What‐‐what are you‐‐

are you‐‐ you're just gonna shoot me?

‐ Uh, yeah.

I'm gonna shoot you in the face.

‐ Wait, whoa.

[muttering] What're you‐‐

dude, dude.

[stammers] Whoa, hold on.

Don't you want to kill me in some sort of dynamic way?

Like a pit of sharks, or a timed explosive?

Or bury me in concrete while classical music is playing.

Or just bees. Like, a shitload of bees.

‐ What? No.

Why‐‐why would I have any of that?

That's got liability written all over it.

Besides, I think shooting someone in the face

is pretty dynamic.

Hey, Kyle? ‐ Yeah, boss?

[gunshot] ‐ Jesus Christ!

[thump]

Ah! Oh, my God.

‐ Yeah, can I get a Kyle 2 in here

to clean up all this blood?

‐ What the fuck, Havoc?

‐ See? Now, wasn't that dynamic?

Okay, time for you to die.

‐ Wait.

Before you kill me,

don't you want to brag about all the elaborate details

of your master plan?

‐ No, why‐‐ why would I want to do that?

‐ You know, so‐‐so‐‐

you can throw it in my face about how I failed to stop you

and how brilliant your plan is

while explaining every aspect of it,

including the theoretical ways that I could stop you

if I wasn't so tied up right now, and...

how that could happen.

‐ No, it would take too long to explain.

It's, like, a 20‐page‐long plan.

I wrote it down once for a Dick Talk.

‐ A Dick Talk?

‐ Yeah, it's like an evil TED Talk.

‐ Yeah, I bet the women like a good Dick Talk.

[both chuckling]

He knows what I'm talking about.

‐ How do you mean, Brock? ‐ [chuckling] What?

‐ No, I‐‐I was just wondering if you could explain that joke.

What do you mean, "Women like a good Dick Talk?"

‐ You know, like‐‐like...

women and penises and mouths and...

and holes and stuff.

‐ Oh, women, penises, mouths, and holes and stuff.

Okay, I'll let your loved ones know

those were your last words.

‐ Is this because I fucked your wife?

‐ No, Brock, it's not‐‐

not everything has to do with my wife, Brock.

[cell phone ringing]

Damn it. ‐ Darren!

‐ Oh, hey, put it on speaker. Put it on speaker.

‐ Hey, honey.

‐ Aw, you suck.

‐ What the fuck, Darren?

Do you know where I am right now?

‐ Hopefully getting tested for an STD.

‐ Our credit card just got declined at Bloomingdale's.

‐ Look, honey, can we talk about this later?

I'm about to kill my arch‐nemesis.

‐ Oh, Brock's there?

‐ Tell her that she left her purse

at my place last Wednesday.

‐ Oh, tell him don't worry about it.

I'm getting a new one at Bloomingdale's right now.

‐ Caroline, I need you to stop having sex with my enemies.

‐ Oh, please, Darren, it's nothing.

It's like once a week.

‐ Once a week?

‐ Yeah, we call it Bang Wednesday.

‐ Why wouldn't you just call it Hump Day?

‐ Aw, shit, that's better.

‐ Honey, listen, why can't you just go buy

a nice, affordable purse, you know?

Like from JCPenny.

‐ Oh, yeah, that's a great idea.

In fact,

I'll be able to buy a much smaller purse

since I won't have to worry about carrying around

my self‐respect anymore.

[laughs]

Fuck you, Darren!

Fuck you!

Jesus Christ, why don't I just go in there

with a stack of coupons from‐‐

[stammers] oh, wherever poor people get coupons!

Gah! Fuck you! Ma'am?

Ma'am, I'm on the phone.

Oh, this Latina lady's scared now.

Maybe if you hadn't spent all of our goddamn money

on a goddamn photon laser...

‐ Hey, I didn't buy the warranty, did I?

Even though that thing is an accident waiting to happen.

Look, honey, when I take over the world,

I will give you Italy,

and you can go have all the purses you could dream of.

‐ You said that six master plans ago.

‐ Yes, but this time it's gonna work!

I have Brock right here, and I'm gonna‐‐

[laser charging]

Fuck.

‐ He escaped again, didn't he?

‐ No. Nope, he's right here.

All right, Brock, time to die.

Play along.

Pow, pow‐pow.

‐ Oh‐‐oh, fuck.

Oh, right in the dick, he's‐‐ is where he shot me.

‐ No, no, no. ‐ Oh, I mean in my face.

He shot me in my face,

not the part that talks,

but the other part, a different part of the‐‐oh.

Oh! ‐ Gotta go.

Brock Mason's dead, honey.

A lot of blood to clean up. ‐ Darren!

‐ Love you.

‐ What? What?

Oh, I'm yelling?!

Okay, I'm sorry. Lo siento.

Lo siento.

‐ God, that was embarrassing.

‐ You know what's embarrassing?

Your goddamn performance.

Jesus Christ, take a fuckin' improv class.

‐ Okay, well, you're gonna hate my encore

where the good guy wins and then bones a couple waitresses

to celebrate, I'll tell you that much.

‐ So what now? You gonna shoot me in the face?

‐ Well... [crash]

I could. I could kill you now.

And prevent any of your future evildoings for all time.

Or I could break your stupid laser

and get your wife really pissed at you.

‐ I'm really hoping you're about to shoot me in the face

right now.

[crash]

Goddamn it.

‐ Now, that's what I call a Dick Talk.

‐ That joke still doesn't work.

So, diary, it looks like the lesson we learned today

is if you're gonna buy a photon laser,

always, always

spring for the warranty.

[reflective music]