All language subtitles for Deadpool (2016) Open Matte (1080p Web-DL x265 HEVC 10bit AAC 5.1 RN) [UTR]
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:02:59,475 --> 00:03:01,895
Kinda lonesome back here.
2
00:03:02,353 --> 00:03:03,393
Yeah, little help.
3
00:03:04,731 --> 00:03:09,191
Okay, just, I have to keep my hands
on the wheel.
4
00:03:10,904 --> 00:03:12,024
Excuse me.
5
00:03:13,698 --> 00:03:14,998
Dopinder.
6
00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:17,033
Pool. Dead.
7
00:03:18,703 --> 00:03:19,663
Nice.
8
00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:21,950
Smells good, no?
9
00:03:21,998 --> 00:03:23,878
Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
10
00:03:24,584 --> 00:03:27,424
Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely.
11
00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:31,541
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
12
00:03:32,425 --> 00:03:35,885
But, Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
13
00:03:35,929 --> 00:03:39,899
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
14
00:03:41,059 --> 00:03:44,899
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
there's a reason I'm in this cab today.
15
00:03:45,230 --> 00:03:46,690
Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember?
16
00:03:46,731 --> 00:03:51,561
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
17
00:03:51,611 --> 00:03:54,401
When you find it, the whole world
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
18
00:03:55,615 --> 00:03:57,405
So you gotta hold onto love...
19
00:03:57,742 --> 00:03:59,202
tight!
20
00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:02,204
And never let go.
Don't make the same mistakes I did.
21
00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:03,497
-Got it?
-Yeah.
22
00:04:03,539 --> 00:04:07,049
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
23
00:04:07,585 --> 00:04:09,925
Sir, what does Miss Mama June
taste like?
24
00:04:09,963 --> 00:04:12,923
-Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
-Okay, enough.
25
00:04:12,966 --> 00:04:15,886
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
26
00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:17,637
It's bad.
27
00:04:18,221 --> 00:04:20,891
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
28
00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:22,892
That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
29
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,434
And I'm after someone on my naughty list.
30
00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:27,068
I've been waiting one year, three weeks...
31
00:04:27,105 --> 00:04:29,065
six days and...
32
00:04:29,107 --> 00:04:31,447
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
33
00:04:33,069 --> 00:04:35,409
And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
34
00:04:35,446 --> 00:04:36,786
This shit...
35
00:04:38,324 --> 00:04:38,994
Boo!
36
00:04:59,929 --> 00:05:01,019
They won't disappoint.
37
00:05:01,681 --> 00:05:03,471
They'd better not.
38
00:05:03,516 --> 00:05:05,936
And what about next month's shipment?
39
00:05:05,977 --> 00:05:07,727
There won't be one.
40
00:05:07,770 --> 00:05:09,310
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
41
00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:11,943
That won't do.
42
00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:18,781
See, we've had this small disruption
to our supply chain...
43
00:05:22,619 --> 00:05:24,829
We'd appreciate your patience.
44
00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:28,332
Okay.
45
00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:31,333
We'll deliver in full the following month.
46
00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:35,889
Pleasure doing business with you.
47
00:05:39,844 --> 00:05:41,554
Fucking mutant.
48
00:05:51,564 --> 00:05:53,144
Ah, shit!
49
00:05:53,191 --> 00:05:54,561
I forgot my ammo bag.
50
00:05:54,901 --> 00:05:57,151
-Shall we turn back?
-No, no time.
51
00:05:57,570 --> 00:05:59,150
Fuck it. I got this.
52
00:05:59,197 --> 00:06:02,537
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust.
53
00:06:02,575 --> 00:06:03,285
Right here!
54
00:06:05,578 --> 00:06:08,168
That's $27.50.
55
00:06:08,206 --> 00:06:09,916
I never carry a wallet when I'm working.
56
00:06:09,958 --> 00:06:11,378
Ruins the lines of my suit.
57
00:06:12,085 --> 00:06:14,295
But, how about a crisp high five?
58
00:06:14,671 --> 00:06:15,501
Okay.
59
00:06:15,547 --> 00:06:16,797
Merry Christmas.
60
00:06:18,132 --> 00:06:21,132
And a convivial Tuesday in April
to you too, Pool!
61
00:06:24,764 --> 00:06:29,644
Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
62
00:06:29,686 --> 00:06:31,686
You're packed and you're stacked
'specially in the back
63
00:06:31,729 --> 00:06:34,489
Brother, wanna thank your mother
for a butt like that
64
00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,944
Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
65
00:06:36,985 --> 00:06:39,195
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
66
00:06:39,237 --> 00:06:40,697
You're a shotgun - bang!
67
00:06:42,448 --> 00:06:45,788
Oh, hello. I know, right?
68
00:06:45,827 --> 00:06:49,537
Whose balls did I have to fondle
to get my very own movie?
69
00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:53,161
I can't tell you,
but it does rhyme with "Polverine."
70
00:06:53,418 --> 00:06:58,968
And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair
of smooth criminals down under.
71
00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:03,217
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and...
72
00:07:03,261 --> 00:07:05,931
Bad guys to kill.
73
00:07:11,352 --> 00:07:12,602
Maximum effort.
74
00:07:22,614 --> 00:07:23,444
Cock shot.
75
00:07:31,247 --> 00:07:33,337
Rich Corinthian leather.
76
00:07:35,293 --> 00:07:37,123
I'm looking for Francis!
77
00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:38,960
Have you seen this man?
78
00:07:49,307 --> 00:07:50,227
Yanky, yanky!
79
00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:25,214
I've never said this, but don't swallow.
80
00:08:46,573 --> 00:08:48,073
Shit.
81
00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,710
Did I leave the stove on?
82
00:09:08,219 --> 00:09:09,559
Now, breaking news.
83
00:09:09,929 --> 00:09:13,479
A multi-car collision turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway this morning.
84
00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:15,762
Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
85
00:09:16,227 --> 00:09:18,727
Residents are advised to remain in their homes.
86
00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:21,851
The assailant appears to be armed,
dangerous, and wearing...
87
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,320
-a red suit.
-A red suit.
88
00:09:23,985 --> 00:09:25,235
Deadpool.
89
00:09:25,278 --> 00:09:27,988
Negasonic! Come, we have mission.
90
00:09:28,907 --> 00:09:31,367
Colossus, wait up.
91
00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:34,789
I've given Deadpool every chance to join us...
92
00:09:34,829 --> 00:09:37,039
but he'd rather act like a child.
93
00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:39,581
A heavily-armed child.
94
00:09:39,626 --> 00:09:43,376
When will he grow up
and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
95
00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:45,251
Which benefits? The matching unitards?
96
00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:47,470
The house that blows up every few years?
97
00:09:47,508 --> 00:09:48,558
Please.
98
00:09:48,593 --> 00:09:50,923
House blowing up builds character.
99
00:09:51,429 --> 00:09:53,309
You ate breakfast, yes?
100
00:09:53,348 --> 00:09:55,598
Breakfast is most important meal of day.
101
00:09:56,517 --> 00:10:00,817
Here, protein bar. Good for bones.
102
00:10:00,855 --> 00:10:03,195
Deadpool may try to break yours.
103
00:10:11,866 --> 00:10:12,996
Get out of the way!
104
00:10:30,552 --> 00:10:32,012
Hey!
105
00:10:43,189 --> 00:10:44,489
Wait!
106
00:10:44,816 --> 00:10:46,946
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
107
00:10:46,985 --> 00:10:48,905
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
108
00:10:49,946 --> 00:10:51,156
This guy's got the right idea.
109
00:10:51,489 --> 00:10:52,829
He wore the brown pants.
110
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,954
Fine! I only have 12 bullets...
111
00:10:56,995 --> 00:10:58,665
so you're gonna have to share!
112
00:10:58,705 --> 00:11:00,495
Let's count them down.
113
00:11:19,851 --> 00:11:20,971
Shit.
114
00:11:24,022 --> 00:11:25,732
Motherfucker!
115
00:11:27,025 --> 00:11:28,155
10! Shit!
116
00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:29,738
Nine. Fuck.
117
00:11:30,194 --> 00:11:30,824
Eight.
118
00:11:31,404 --> 00:11:32,364
Shit-fuck!
119
00:11:36,159 --> 00:11:37,369
Bad Deadpool.
120
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,998
Seven. Good Deadpool.
121
00:12:03,269 --> 00:12:05,779
Someone's not counting. Six.
122
00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:33,592
Four.
123
00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:36,967
Gotcha.
124
00:12:38,721 --> 00:12:39,971
Right up Main Street.
125
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,180
Three, two!
126
00:12:45,228 --> 00:12:47,108
Stupid! Worth it.
127
00:13:13,464 --> 00:13:15,424
I'm touching myself tonight.
128
00:13:16,259 --> 00:13:17,349
Francis!
129
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:18,960
Francis...
130
00:13:20,972 --> 00:13:23,222
What the shit-biscuit!
131
00:13:23,266 --> 00:13:24,976
Where you at, Francis?
132
00:13:33,902 --> 00:13:34,942
You're not Francis.
133
00:13:42,994 --> 00:13:45,414
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
134
00:13:55,798 --> 00:13:59,098
You're probably thinking,
"My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie...
135
00:13:59,135 --> 00:14:02,935
"but that guy in the red suit just turned
that other guy into a fucking kabab!"
136
00:14:03,181 --> 00:14:07,511
Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero.
137
00:14:07,852 --> 00:14:10,062
And, yeah, technically, this is a murder.
138
00:14:10,104 --> 00:14:12,394
But some of the best love stories
start with a murder.
139
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,480
And that's exactly what this is.
A love story.
140
00:14:15,526 --> 00:14:16,946
And to tell it right...
141
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:21,786
I gotta take you back to long before
I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
142
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:27,837
Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?
I didn't order the pizza.
143
00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:31,662
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
144
00:14:31,709 --> 00:14:34,839
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant
who didn't order the fucking pie!
145
00:14:35,213 --> 00:14:36,333
Then who placed the call?
146
00:14:36,965 --> 00:14:38,215
I did!
147
00:14:40,552 --> 00:14:41,962
Pineapple and olive?
148
00:14:42,512 --> 00:14:45,432
Sweet and salty.
149
00:14:45,473 --> 00:14:48,603
The fuck are you?
The fuck you doing in my crib...
150
00:14:48,643 --> 00:14:49,563
Is it burnt crust?
151
00:14:49,894 --> 00:14:51,184
God, I hope not.
152
00:14:51,813 --> 00:14:53,683
Man, look, if this is
about that poker game.
153
00:14:53,731 --> 00:14:56,021
I told Howie, I told him that...
154
00:14:56,067 --> 00:15:00,027
Okay, look, just take whatever you want.
155
00:15:00,071 --> 00:15:01,151
Thanks.
156
00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:04,703
Sir, before you do anything to him,
do you mind if I get a big tip?
157
00:15:06,244 --> 00:15:08,124
Jeremy, is it?
158
00:15:08,162 --> 00:15:09,582
Wade. Wade Wilson.
159
00:15:10,707 --> 00:15:13,707
That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer.
160
00:15:13,751 --> 00:15:15,211
I'm not here for him.
161
00:15:15,587 --> 00:15:17,177
I'm here for you.
162
00:15:18,715 --> 00:15:20,715
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time
bullet on that one.
163
00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:22,678
Not out of the woods yet.
164
00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:25,631
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
165
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,650
They're jeans, not a chandelier.
166
00:15:27,682 --> 00:15:29,972
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
167
00:15:30,018 --> 00:15:31,818
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
168
00:15:31,853 --> 00:15:34,103
I will shoot your fucking cat!
169
00:15:34,939 --> 00:15:37,359
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.
170
00:15:37,692 --> 00:15:39,442
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
171
00:15:43,573 --> 00:15:45,743
Anyhoo, tell me something...
172
00:15:45,783 --> 00:15:49,533
what situation isn't improved by pizza?
173
00:15:49,579 --> 00:15:51,919
Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?
174
00:15:51,956 --> 00:15:53,586
Getting that right? Orflosky?
175
00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:55,915
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
176
00:15:57,128 --> 00:15:58,428
Because she knows you.
177
00:15:58,463 --> 00:16:02,923
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys
who take a dime to beat a fella down.
178
00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:05,887
And little Meghan, she's not made of money,
but lucky for her...
179
00:16:05,929 --> 00:16:07,229
I got a soft spot.
180
00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:09,765
-But I'm a...
-A stalker.
181
00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:11,855
Threats hurt, Jer.
182
00:16:11,893 --> 00:16:15,353
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
183
00:16:15,396 --> 00:16:18,606
So keep away from Meghan.
184
00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:19,570
Cool?
185
00:16:19,609 --> 00:16:20,869
Yes, sir.
186
00:16:20,902 --> 00:16:21,652
Then we're done.
187
00:16:22,153 --> 00:16:24,283
Wait. We are?
188
00:16:24,322 --> 00:16:25,992
Yeah. We're totally done.
189
00:16:26,658 --> 00:16:28,118
You should’ve seen your face.
190
00:16:28,159 --> 00:16:29,459
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
191
00:16:29,744 --> 00:16:30,824
Soft spot, remember?
192
00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:34,420
You even look
in her general direction again...
193
00:16:34,457 --> 00:16:38,167
and you will learn in the worst of ways
that I have some hard spots too.
194
00:16:40,171 --> 00:16:41,501
That came out wrong.
195
00:16:42,674 --> 00:16:43,844
Or did it?
196
00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:58,026
Meghan?
197
00:17:01,192 --> 00:17:02,692
You've heard the last of Jeremy.
He's sorry.
198
00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:05,368
No friggin' way.
199
00:17:10,201 --> 00:17:12,821
Should've brought my roller blades.
Show these kids how it's done.
200
00:17:13,121 --> 00:17:16,411
And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
201
00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:18,337
Hey, think you could fuck up
my step-dad?
202
00:17:18,376 --> 00:17:21,046
I give a guy a pavement facial,
it's because he's earned it.
203
00:17:21,713 --> 00:17:23,003
Hey, wait!
204
00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:25,802
You're my hero.
205
00:17:25,842 --> 00:17:28,342
No-no-no-no. That I ain't!
206
00:17:30,221 --> 00:17:32,511
Nope. Never will be.
207
00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:34,391
Fuck you, Wade.
208
00:17:34,726 --> 00:17:38,226
I'm just a bad guy
who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
209
00:17:39,689 --> 00:17:41,279
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
210
00:17:41,566 --> 00:17:43,656
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.
211
00:17:44,319 --> 00:17:46,369
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
212
00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:49,114
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
213
00:17:49,157 --> 00:17:52,207
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
214
00:17:52,243 --> 00:17:54,073
Buck! Liefeld...
215
00:17:54,412 --> 00:17:55,372
Hey, Wade!
216
00:17:55,747 --> 00:17:58,377
Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful.
What can I do for you?
217
00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:00,167
I'd love a Blow Job.
218
00:18:00,418 --> 00:18:01,718
Oh, God, me too.
219
00:18:01,753 --> 00:18:03,753
The drink, moose knuckle. But first...
220
00:18:05,423 --> 00:18:07,463
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?
221
00:18:07,508 --> 00:18:09,348
Make sure that gets back to Ms...
222
00:18:09,385 --> 00:18:10,385
Orlovsky.
223
00:18:10,428 --> 00:18:11,388
Yeah, her.
224
00:18:11,429 --> 00:18:12,689
You sure?
225
00:18:12,931 --> 00:18:15,391
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
226
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:17,353
I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
227
00:18:17,393 --> 00:18:19,313
He's not a bad kid, Weas.
228
00:18:19,354 --> 00:18:20,734
Just a little light stalking.
229
00:18:20,772 --> 00:18:22,232
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
230
00:18:22,273 --> 00:18:24,193
I was traveling to exotic places...
231
00:18:24,234 --> 00:18:28,234
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting people. And then...
232
00:18:28,696 --> 00:18:30,576
Killing them.
Yeah, I've seen your Instagram.
233
00:18:30,949 --> 00:18:33,329
So what was Special Forces
doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
234
00:18:33,368 --> 00:18:34,918
That's classified.
235
00:18:34,953 --> 00:18:37,243
They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
236
00:18:37,288 --> 00:18:39,588
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...
237
00:18:39,624 --> 00:18:40,914
whipped cream.
238
00:18:40,959 --> 00:18:43,049
I give you a Blow Job.
239
00:18:43,544 --> 00:18:44,924
Why do you make me make that?
240
00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:46,753
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
241
00:18:46,798 --> 00:18:50,258
Take that over to Buck, please,
and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.
242
00:18:50,301 --> 00:18:52,591
Remind me what good will come of this?
243
00:18:52,637 --> 00:18:54,687
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
244
00:18:54,722 --> 00:18:55,262
Boothe!
245
00:18:56,099 --> 00:18:57,269
-Easy, man.
-Hold up! Hold up!
246
00:18:57,308 --> 00:18:58,308
What you want?
247
00:19:01,145 --> 00:19:03,435
-Cheers. To your health.
-Fuck you.
248
00:19:03,940 --> 00:19:06,110
Come here, you fat fuck!
249
00:19:06,150 --> 00:19:07,610
That's a new stool.
250
00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:13,940
Stay the fuck down.
251
00:19:16,619 --> 00:19:18,289
Whoa! Took his ass out!
252
00:19:18,329 --> 00:19:20,249
All right, move. Move, move, move.
253
00:19:20,290 --> 00:19:21,340
Buck, go rest.
254
00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:23,957
Boothe got hit then went down.
255
00:19:27,755 --> 00:19:30,425
Yeah, he's still breathing.
256
00:19:33,094 --> 00:19:34,634
Nobody wins today.
257
00:19:34,679 --> 00:19:36,309
Nice try, Wade.
258
00:19:36,347 --> 00:19:39,977
You got me. I picked Boothe
in the dead pool. Who did you pick?
259
00:19:40,018 --> 00:19:41,978
Yeah, Wade, about that...
260
00:19:42,478 --> 00:19:43,278
No.
261
00:19:43,688 --> 00:19:45,528
You did not bet on me to die.
262
00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:51,941
You bet on me to die. Wow.
Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.
263
00:19:52,363 --> 00:19:54,653
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.
264
00:19:54,699 --> 00:19:56,959
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
265
00:19:56,993 --> 00:19:59,823
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
266
00:19:59,871 --> 00:20:01,161
I never win anything.
267
00:20:01,205 --> 00:20:02,335
Whatever.
268
00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:03,953
Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
269
00:20:06,377 --> 00:20:08,297
Domestic, nothing imported.
270
00:20:12,342 --> 00:20:16,222
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
271
00:20:18,514 --> 00:20:19,514
Tight.
272
00:20:21,184 --> 00:20:23,144
-Vanessa.
-Wade.
273
00:20:23,478 --> 00:20:25,648
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
274
00:20:27,023 --> 00:20:28,273
I'd hit that.
275
00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,367
Buck, you best apologize before...
276
00:20:32,111 --> 00:20:33,901
Yeah, that.
277
00:20:33,947 --> 00:20:35,617
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
278
00:20:35,657 --> 00:20:37,537
-I'm sorry.
-Breathe through the nose.
279
00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:39,745
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
280
00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:41,036
Let go. Okay. Hey...
281
00:20:41,788 --> 00:20:44,298
-Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
-I'm working on it.
282
00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:46,292
Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
283
00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:49,296
Hey. Hands off the merchandise.
284
00:20:50,838 --> 00:20:51,888
Merchandise?
285
00:20:52,382 --> 00:20:54,842
So you...
286
00:20:54,884 --> 00:20:56,304
bump fuzzies for money?
287
00:20:56,344 --> 00:20:57,094
Yep.
288
00:20:57,136 --> 00:20:58,386
Rough childhood?
289
00:20:58,429 --> 00:20:59,479
Rougher than yours.
290
00:20:59,514 --> 00:21:01,094
Daddy left before I was born.
291
00:21:01,724 --> 00:21:03,264
Daddy left before I was conceived.
292
00:21:04,477 --> 00:21:05,817
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
293
00:21:06,187 --> 00:21:07,527
Where else do you put one out?
294
00:21:07,564 --> 00:21:08,854
I was molested.
295
00:21:08,898 --> 00:21:10,608
Me too. Uncle.
296
00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:12,950
Uncles. They took turns.
297
00:21:13,236 --> 00:21:15,866
I watched my own birthday party
through the keyhole of a locked closet...
298
00:21:15,905 --> 00:21:17,285
which also happens to be my...
299
00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:20,153
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
300
00:21:20,994 --> 00:21:22,284
You had a dishwasher.
301
00:21:22,745 --> 00:21:23,915
I didn't even know sleep.
302
00:21:23,955 --> 00:21:27,205
It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags,
brownie mix and clown porn.
303
00:21:31,254 --> 00:21:32,504
Who would do such a thing?
304
00:21:34,173 --> 00:21:37,633
Hopefully you, later tonight?
305
00:21:40,471 --> 00:21:45,391
Hey, what can I get for $275 and a...
306
00:21:46,603 --> 00:21:48,313
a Yogurtland rewards card?
307
00:21:48,354 --> 00:21:50,984
Baby, about 48 minutes
of whatever the fuck you want.
308
00:21:52,442 --> 00:21:54,192
And a low-fat dessert.
309
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,490
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
310
00:22:04,829 --> 00:22:06,959
It's time to put balls in holes.
311
00:22:07,999 --> 00:22:09,509
You said whatever I want.
312
00:22:10,335 --> 00:22:11,215
I get it.
313
00:22:11,628 --> 00:22:13,178
You love skee ball.
314
00:22:13,213 --> 00:22:15,503
Apparently more than you love vagina.
315
00:22:15,548 --> 00:22:17,008
That's a tough call.
316
00:22:17,884 --> 00:22:20,174
I just wanna get to know
the real you, you know.
317
00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:24,060
Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional
sex object peddled by Hollywood.
318
00:22:24,474 --> 00:22:25,184
Balls in holes.
319
00:22:26,351 --> 00:22:27,301
Balls in holes.
320
00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:28,970
Prepare to lose tragically.
321
00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:30,150
Bring it, big man.
322
00:22:30,188 --> 00:22:31,188
Okay.
323
00:22:37,528 --> 00:22:41,908
The limited edition Voltron:
Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
324
00:22:42,367 --> 00:22:44,867
Okay. Here we go.
325
00:22:45,828 --> 00:22:47,958
Had my eye on this sucker for a while.
326
00:22:47,997 --> 00:22:49,837
And I will take the pencil eraser.
327
00:22:49,874 --> 00:22:51,294
Okay.
328
00:22:51,334 --> 00:22:54,124
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
329
00:22:54,170 --> 00:22:56,130
And you can erase stuff...
330
00:22:56,172 --> 00:22:57,502
written in pencil.
331
00:22:57,882 --> 00:22:59,302
M'lady?
332
00:22:59,342 --> 00:23:00,672
Well, I hate to break it to you...
333
00:23:00,718 --> 00:23:02,558
but your 48 minutes are up.
334
00:23:03,054 --> 00:23:05,844
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
335
00:23:05,890 --> 00:23:10,390
FYI, five mini lion-bots come together
to form one super-bot, so...
336
00:23:10,728 --> 00:23:13,858
Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes.
337
00:23:13,898 --> 00:23:14,858
Deal.
338
00:23:14,899 --> 00:23:17,199
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
339
00:23:18,278 --> 00:23:19,078
Cuddle?
340
00:23:23,408 --> 00:23:24,908
How long can you keep this up?
341
00:23:25,368 --> 00:23:26,208
All year?
342
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,760
Happy Valentine's Day.
343
00:23:46,389 --> 00:23:48,019
Happy Chinese New Year.
344
00:23:48,057 --> 00:23:49,397
Year of the Dog.
345
00:23:54,606 --> 00:23:55,776
Relax.
346
00:23:56,357 --> 00:23:58,447
And Happy International Women's Day.
347
00:24:03,364 --> 00:24:06,114
No. No. No.
348
00:24:08,453 --> 00:24:09,623
Happy Lent.
349
00:24:14,876 --> 00:24:16,166
-Wade?
-Sorry.
350
00:24:16,210 --> 00:24:17,540
Happy Halloween.
351
00:24:17,921 --> 00:24:18,791
Happy Halloween.
352
00:24:28,556 --> 00:24:30,266
Happy Thanksgiving.
353
00:24:32,268 --> 00:24:33,478
I love you.
354
00:24:37,273 --> 00:24:39,353
If your left leg is Thanksgiving...
355
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,060
and your right leg is Christmas...
356
00:24:42,403 --> 00:24:43,903
can I visit you between the holidays?
357
00:24:45,823 --> 00:24:47,653
That sweater is terrible.
358
00:24:48,660 --> 00:24:50,370
But red looks good on you.
359
00:24:50,411 --> 00:24:51,531
Red's your color.
360
00:24:51,579 --> 00:24:53,339
Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
361
00:24:54,249 --> 00:24:55,459
Listen, I've been thinking...
362
00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:56,340
Really?
363
00:24:57,168 --> 00:24:58,838
...about why we're so good together.
364
00:24:59,254 --> 00:25:00,334
Why's that?
365
00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:04,850
Your crazy matches my crazy.
Big time.
366
00:25:07,095 --> 00:25:09,975
And, we're like two jigsaw pieces,
you know, the weird curvy edges...
367
00:25:10,348 --> 00:25:12,768
You put them together
and you can see the picture on top.
368
00:25:13,768 --> 00:25:14,648
Right.
369
00:25:15,270 --> 00:25:16,360
Wade...
370
00:25:17,021 --> 00:25:19,601
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
371
00:25:19,649 --> 00:25:22,159
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
372
00:25:24,279 --> 00:25:25,329
Will you...
373
00:25:26,531 --> 00:25:28,441
-stick it in my...
-Marry me?
374
00:25:31,452 --> 00:25:32,452
Jinx?
375
00:25:34,330 --> 00:25:35,490
Where were you hiding that?
376
00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:36,550
Nowhere.
377
00:25:37,625 --> 00:25:39,295
They say one month's salary. So...
378
00:25:39,335 --> 00:25:40,335
You mean?
379
00:25:40,378 --> 00:25:41,508
I do.
380
00:25:41,546 --> 00:25:42,546
That's my line.
381
00:25:45,884 --> 00:25:47,514
I love you, Wade Wilson.
382
00:25:48,344 --> 00:25:49,674
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
383
00:25:49,721 --> 00:25:50,551
Yes!
384
00:25:51,973 --> 00:25:53,053
Yes!
385
00:25:55,184 --> 00:25:56,644
I feel just like a little girl.
386
00:26:01,983 --> 00:26:04,313
What if I just held on and never let go?
387
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,900
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
388
00:26:07,906 --> 00:26:09,406
Star Wars jokes.
389
00:26:09,866 --> 00:26:11,076
Empire.
390
00:26:12,535 --> 00:26:15,745
Jesus Christ.
It's like I made you in a computer.
391
00:26:20,084 --> 00:26:21,084
Hey.
392
00:26:22,170 --> 00:26:23,180
Perfect.
393
00:26:27,342 --> 00:26:28,842
-Let's see.
-All right, wee break.
394
00:26:28,885 --> 00:26:30,175
Shake it, yeah.
395
00:26:36,434 --> 00:26:37,564
Here's the thing.
396
00:26:37,936 --> 00:26:39,896
Life is an endless series of train-wrecks...
397
00:26:39,938 --> 00:26:43,448
with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
398
00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,110
This had been the ultimate commercial break.
399
00:26:49,572 --> 00:26:52,822
Which meant it was time to return
to our regularly scheduled program.
400
00:26:52,867 --> 00:26:53,617
What the...
401
00:26:54,744 --> 00:26:55,874
Oh, my God. Wade?
402
00:27:02,168 --> 00:27:03,418
You're clowning.
403
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:05,300
You're not clowning?
404
00:27:05,713 --> 00:27:06,713
I sense clowns.
405
00:27:07,131 --> 00:27:10,631
People react to news
of late-stage cancer differently.
406
00:27:10,677 --> 00:27:15,227
There are certainly options we can look into.
New drugs are being developed every day.
407
00:27:19,769 --> 00:27:20,899
So what do we do?
408
00:27:21,521 --> 00:27:23,731
Surely there is something we can do.
409
00:27:24,899 --> 00:27:27,529
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer...
410
00:27:27,569 --> 00:27:30,119
and there were all these
new experimental drugs from Germany.
411
00:27:30,154 --> 00:27:34,404
Vanessa's already working on
Plan A, B, all the way through Z.
412
00:27:34,701 --> 00:27:38,241
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
413
00:27:38,913 --> 00:27:41,293
Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.
414
00:27:41,666 --> 00:27:42,506
Or the last.
415
00:27:42,542 --> 00:27:44,042
Mr. Wilson...
416
00:27:44,085 --> 00:27:45,505
Mr. Wilson?
417
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,210
Take your time to process this.
418
00:27:49,257 --> 00:27:51,177
It's important not to do anything rash.
419
00:28:02,729 --> 00:28:07,989
Now, if I were a 200-pound sack
of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
420
00:28:33,468 --> 00:28:37,848
A hush falls over the crowd
as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson...
421
00:28:37,889 --> 00:28:41,359
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
422
00:28:43,019 --> 00:28:44,689
His form looks good.
423
00:28:46,814 --> 00:28:50,604
And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
424
00:28:51,194 --> 00:28:53,524
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing...
425
00:28:53,571 --> 00:28:55,821
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
426
00:28:56,866 --> 00:28:58,326
Giving him the business.
427
00:28:58,910 --> 00:28:59,830
Incoming!
428
00:29:00,954 --> 00:29:04,704
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
429
00:29:10,046 --> 00:29:13,716
Looking good, Francis. Well rested.
Like you've been pitching, not catching.
430
00:29:14,300 --> 00:29:16,260
Ringing any bells? No?
431
00:29:21,224 --> 00:29:22,474
How about now?
432
00:29:26,479 --> 00:29:28,649
Wade fucking Wilson.
433
00:29:31,150 --> 00:29:32,440
Well, hello, gorgeous.
434
00:29:32,485 --> 00:29:35,485
Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
435
00:29:35,530 --> 00:29:38,700
Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis?
436
00:29:38,741 --> 00:29:40,781
Yeah, time to undo
what you did to this butterface.
437
00:29:40,827 --> 00:29:43,827
Please, you should thank me.
Apparently, I made you immortal.
438
00:29:44,163 --> 00:29:45,793
I'm actually quite jealous.
439
00:29:45,832 --> 00:29:48,082
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?
440
00:29:50,169 --> 00:29:54,299
Now, I'm about to do to you
what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
441
00:29:56,718 --> 00:29:57,468
Dad?
442
00:30:01,097 --> 00:30:05,517
I think we can all agree that shit just
went sideways in the most colossal way.
443
00:30:06,561 --> 00:30:08,521
Well, maybe not the most.
444
00:30:10,106 --> 00:30:12,776
This is my most prized possession.
445
00:30:13,443 --> 00:30:14,403
Wham?
446
00:30:14,444 --> 00:30:16,274
No, no, no. Wham!
447
00:30:16,863 --> 00:30:20,283
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.
448
00:30:21,326 --> 00:30:24,246
So, am I supposed to just smile
and wave you out the door?
449
00:30:24,287 --> 00:30:25,877
Think of it like spring cleaning.
450
00:30:25,914 --> 00:30:27,204
Only if spring was death.
451
00:30:27,248 --> 00:30:31,218
God, if I had a nickel for every time
I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
452
00:30:32,253 --> 00:30:33,713
Sounds like you do.
453
00:30:34,547 --> 00:30:38,507
Bernadette is not going anywhere,
because you're not going anywhere.
454
00:30:38,551 --> 00:30:39,341
Drink.
455
00:30:39,761 --> 00:30:42,511
You're right. Cancer is only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain.
456
00:30:42,555 --> 00:30:43,685
All things I can live without.
457
00:30:46,017 --> 00:30:48,017
You belong here at home.
458
00:30:48,061 --> 00:30:51,681
Surrounded by your Voltron
and your Bernadette, and your me.
459
00:30:53,024 --> 00:30:56,484
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
460
00:30:58,154 --> 00:31:04,414
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the-
Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
461
00:31:05,161 --> 00:31:09,701
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
462
00:31:11,084 --> 00:31:12,714
I want you to remember me.
463
00:31:14,254 --> 00:31:16,084
Not the ghost of Christmas me.
464
00:31:16,130 --> 00:31:17,920
Well, I wanna remember us.
465
00:31:18,383 --> 00:31:20,053
I swear to God,
I will find you in the next life...
466
00:31:20,093 --> 00:31:23,263
and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper
outside your window.
467
00:31:23,304 --> 00:31:24,724
Wham!
468
00:31:28,101 --> 00:31:31,101
No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay?
469
00:31:33,690 --> 00:31:35,070
We can fight this.
470
00:31:38,236 --> 00:31:40,406
Besides, I just realized something.
471
00:31:41,239 --> 00:31:46,369
You win. Your life is officially
way more fucked up than mine.
472
00:31:50,790 --> 00:31:51,790
I love you.
473
00:32:03,469 --> 00:32:04,599
Wade.
474
00:32:06,806 --> 00:32:08,016
Weas.
475
00:32:08,057 --> 00:32:10,607
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
476
00:32:10,643 --> 00:32:12,773
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
477
00:32:12,812 --> 00:32:14,482
How about three shots of PatrГіn?
478
00:32:14,522 --> 00:32:18,272
Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass.
479
00:32:18,318 --> 00:32:19,698
Excellent for the immune system.
480
00:32:19,736 --> 00:32:21,826
Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa.
481
00:32:21,863 --> 00:32:23,033
Here, check it out.
482
00:32:23,072 --> 00:32:26,532
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.
483
00:32:26,576 --> 00:32:28,326
I'm sure they're all FDA approved.
484
00:32:28,786 --> 00:32:31,746
Chechnya. Isn't that where you go
to get cancer?
485
00:32:31,789 --> 00:32:34,549
You got China and Central Mexico.
486
00:32:35,001 --> 00:32:37,251
You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
487
00:32:37,295 --> 00:32:38,335
No.
488
00:32:39,005 --> 00:32:40,715
El CГЎncer.
489
00:32:40,757 --> 00:32:42,597
I could have guessed that.
490
00:32:42,967 --> 00:32:44,517
Look how happy you look here.
491
00:32:44,552 --> 00:32:48,552
Mind if I keep this? Put it up,
so I can remember when you looked alive.
492
00:32:49,057 --> 00:32:51,017
At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool.
493
00:32:51,059 --> 00:32:53,769
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
494
00:32:53,811 --> 00:32:55,391
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
495
00:32:58,191 --> 00:33:00,861
And that guy over there
came in looking for you.
496
00:33:00,902 --> 00:33:03,772
Real Grim Reaper type.
497
00:33:03,821 --> 00:33:05,781
I don't know. Might further the plot.
498
00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:10,876
Boothe.
499
00:33:10,912 --> 00:33:11,992
Wade.
500
00:33:17,377 --> 00:33:18,297
Mr. Wilson.
501
00:33:18,795 --> 00:33:19,965
How can I help you?
502
00:33:20,004 --> 00:33:22,714
Besides luring children into a panel van.
503
00:33:22,757 --> 00:33:26,427
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
504
00:33:26,469 --> 00:33:27,599
Stalker alert.
505
00:33:27,637 --> 00:33:29,807
It's my job. Recruitment.
506
00:33:30,557 --> 00:33:32,977
I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.
507
00:33:34,102 --> 00:33:36,392
But you're a fighter. Special Forces.
508
00:33:36,437 --> 00:33:38,777
41 confirmed kills.
509
00:33:39,315 --> 00:33:40,735
One every seven weeks.
510
00:33:40,775 --> 00:33:42,655
Same rate most folks get a haircut.
511
00:33:43,820 --> 00:33:45,080
It's to wash the taste out.
512
00:33:45,363 --> 00:33:48,573
It's tough to forget being so impressive.
513
00:33:48,616 --> 00:33:52,706
And now you spend your days
sticking up for the little people...
514
00:33:52,745 --> 00:33:54,285
People change. What do you want?
515
00:33:54,664 --> 00:33:57,704
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
516
00:33:59,669 --> 00:34:03,339
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
517
00:34:03,965 --> 00:34:08,055
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?
518
00:34:11,723 --> 00:34:15,813
I'd say that you sound like an infomercial,
but not a good one, like Slap Chop.
519
00:34:15,852 --> 00:34:17,472
More Shake Weight-y.
520
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,520
The world needs extraordinary soldiers.
521
00:34:20,565 --> 00:34:22,735
We won't just make you better.
522
00:34:22,775 --> 00:34:25,735
We will make you better than better.
523
00:34:26,779 --> 00:34:28,039
A superhero.
524
00:34:28,364 --> 00:34:33,364
Look, Agent Smith,
I tried the hero business and it left a mark.
525
00:34:33,828 --> 00:34:36,458
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
526
00:34:38,875 --> 00:34:41,715
Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school,
so you may wanna...
527
00:34:46,716 --> 00:34:47,926
His drink's on him.
528
00:34:53,598 --> 00:34:55,348
What did he say?
529
00:35:17,997 --> 00:35:19,587
Hey, what's going on?
530
00:35:20,583 --> 00:35:22,083
Hey. Sorry.
531
00:35:23,544 --> 00:35:25,544
I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.
532
00:35:26,422 --> 00:35:29,592
I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter
and he just wasn't having it.
533
00:35:37,308 --> 00:35:41,528
Hey, they've made three of those movies.
534
00:35:42,522 --> 00:35:45,692
At some point you have to wonder
if he's just a bad parent.
535
00:36:00,081 --> 00:36:03,701
The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...
536
00:36:04,085 --> 00:36:06,965
but what it does to the people you love.
537
00:36:07,255 --> 00:36:09,965
Who knew if this guy could save my life...
538
00:36:10,008 --> 00:36:12,558
but I knew there was only
one way that I could save hers.
539
00:36:16,723 --> 00:36:18,973
Isn't that what superheroes do?
540
00:36:31,321 --> 00:36:35,361
Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing.
541
00:36:37,285 --> 00:36:40,245
Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass.
542
00:36:40,288 --> 00:36:41,668
Local dry cleaning discounts.
543
00:36:41,706 --> 00:36:45,756
Lucrative film deals, both origin stories
and larger ensemble team movies.
544
00:36:45,793 --> 00:36:48,963
Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.
545
00:36:49,005 --> 00:36:50,715
You know, I can hear you.
546
00:36:50,757 --> 00:36:53,927
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
547
00:36:53,968 --> 00:36:55,678
Stay right here.
548
00:36:56,054 --> 00:36:58,134
You've been warned before, Deadpool.
549
00:36:58,431 --> 00:37:02,051
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
550
00:37:02,101 --> 00:37:04,311
You will both be coming with us.
551
00:37:04,354 --> 00:37:08,274
Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the
goody two-shoes bullshit right now!
552
00:37:08,316 --> 00:37:10,156
And you are?
553
00:37:11,778 --> 00:37:13,618
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
554
00:37:13,655 --> 00:37:17,115
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
555
00:37:17,158 --> 00:37:18,908
That's the coolest name ever!
556
00:37:20,453 --> 00:37:23,083
So, what, you're like, his sidekick?
557
00:37:23,122 --> 00:37:24,622
No. Trainee.
558
00:37:24,666 --> 00:37:26,126
Let me guess.
559
00:37:26,167 --> 00:37:28,667
X-Men left you behind on what?
Shit detail?
560
00:37:28,711 --> 00:37:29,831
What does that make you?
561
00:37:29,879 --> 00:37:32,299
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
562
00:37:32,340 --> 00:37:33,600
Can we trade names?
563
00:37:34,259 --> 00:37:35,259
Can we go?
564
00:37:35,301 --> 00:37:37,671
Look! I'm a teenage girl.
565
00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:39,930
I'd rather be anywhere than here.
566
00:37:39,973 --> 00:37:42,183
I'm all about long sullen silences...
567
00:37:42,225 --> 00:37:45,685
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
568
00:37:46,104 --> 00:37:49,484
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
569
00:37:49,524 --> 00:37:52,064
or mean comment? Go on.
570
00:37:53,319 --> 00:37:54,619
You got me in a box here.
571
00:37:55,655 --> 00:37:57,615
We can't allow this, Deadpool.
572
00:37:57,657 --> 00:37:59,117
Please, come quietly.
573
00:37:59,158 --> 00:38:01,458
You big chrome cock-gobbler!
574
00:38:01,494 --> 00:38:02,494
That's not nice.
575
00:38:02,537 --> 00:38:04,037
You're really gonna fuck this up for me?
576
00:38:04,372 --> 00:38:08,792
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
577
00:38:08,835 --> 00:38:11,375
He's pure evil.
578
00:38:11,754 --> 00:38:15,044
Besides... nobody's getting hurt.
579
00:38:20,346 --> 00:38:22,646
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
580
00:38:22,682 --> 00:38:25,852
Wade, you are better than this.
581
00:38:25,894 --> 00:38:29,394
-Join us. Use your powers for good.
-Heads up.
582
00:38:29,439 --> 00:38:30,859
Be a superhero.
583
00:38:30,899 --> 00:38:31,819
Listen!
584
00:38:31,858 --> 00:38:34,198
The day I decide to become
a crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
585
00:38:34,569 --> 00:38:37,659
who rooms with a bunch of other
little whiners at the Neverland mansion...
586
00:38:37,697 --> 00:38:42,577
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
587
00:38:42,619 --> 00:38:44,379
on that day...
588
00:38:44,621 --> 00:38:46,661
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
589
00:38:46,706 --> 00:38:49,206
But until then,
I'mma do what I came here to do.
590
00:38:49,250 --> 00:38:52,000
Either that or slap the bitch outta you!
591
00:38:52,045 --> 00:38:53,295
-Wade...
-Hey.
592
00:38:53,338 --> 00:38:54,548
Zip it, SinГ©ad!
593
00:38:54,589 --> 00:38:55,719
Hey, douche-pool!
594
00:38:55,757 --> 00:38:56,967
And I hope you're watching...
595
00:39:01,721 --> 00:39:03,471
Quite unfortunate.
596
00:39:06,851 --> 00:39:09,101
That does it!
597
00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:14,853
Canada!
598
00:39:16,152 --> 00:39:17,272
That's not good.
599
00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:18,410
Wade, please.
600
00:39:18,446 --> 00:39:19,446
Cock shot!
601
00:39:21,532 --> 00:39:23,072
Your poor wife.
602
00:39:23,117 --> 00:39:24,917
You really should stop.
603
00:39:28,498 --> 00:39:30,878
All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex.
604
00:39:35,547 --> 00:39:37,757
I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
605
00:39:37,799 --> 00:39:38,969
This is embarrassing.
606
00:39:39,717 --> 00:39:41,517
Please, stay down.
607
00:39:42,637 --> 00:39:45,057
You ever hear of the one-legged man
in the ass-kicking contest?
608
00:39:45,098 --> 00:39:46,558
Do you have off switch?
609
00:39:46,599 --> 00:39:49,399
Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.
Or is that the on switch?
610
00:39:49,435 --> 00:39:50,315
Enough!
611
00:40:00,071 --> 00:40:01,941
Let us go talk to the Professor.
612
00:40:02,448 --> 00:40:04,248
McAvoy or Stewart?
613
00:40:04,284 --> 00:40:06,494
These timelines are so confusing.
614
00:40:07,829 --> 00:40:10,499
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
615
00:40:10,540 --> 00:40:12,090
You will recover, Wade.
616
00:40:12,375 --> 00:40:14,005
You always do.
617
00:40:18,506 --> 00:40:21,926
You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
618
00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:26,850
Oh, my God.
619
00:40:26,890 --> 00:40:27,940
Nasty.
620
00:40:31,060 --> 00:40:33,140
There's the money shot, baby.
621
00:40:33,605 --> 00:40:35,565
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
622
00:40:46,492 --> 00:40:48,912
Rock, meet bottom.
623
00:40:49,412 --> 00:40:52,412
And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked...
624
00:40:52,665 --> 00:40:56,915
you can generally trace it back
to one big, bad decision.
625
00:40:56,961 --> 00:41:00,211
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
626
00:41:00,256 --> 00:41:03,306
This? Well, this was mine.
627
00:41:03,843 --> 00:41:05,303
Mr. Wilson.
628
00:41:06,679 --> 00:41:11,229
Nothing warms my heart more
than a change of someone else's.
629
00:41:11,267 --> 00:41:12,977
You finally hit "fuck it."
630
00:41:14,145 --> 00:41:16,145
Just promise you'll do right by me.
631
00:41:16,814 --> 00:41:18,814
So I can do right by someone else.
632
00:41:18,858 --> 00:41:20,028
Of course.
633
00:41:20,777 --> 00:41:22,527
And please don't make the super-suit green.
634
00:41:23,821 --> 00:41:25,321
Or animated.
635
00:41:31,829 --> 00:41:34,879
Move it! Keep moving.
636
00:41:45,510 --> 00:41:47,640
This place seems sanitary.
637
00:41:48,388 --> 00:41:50,638
My first request is warmer hands.
638
00:41:51,182 --> 00:41:54,472
And, Jesus, a warmer table.
639
00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:57,890
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
640
00:41:58,231 --> 00:42:00,061
I'm thinking "pork and beans."
641
00:42:04,362 --> 00:42:05,572
Easy.
642
00:42:07,574 --> 00:42:09,864
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?
643
00:42:10,660 --> 00:42:12,040
I'm calling wang.
644
00:42:15,915 --> 00:42:17,165
What's up with the matches?
645
00:42:17,417 --> 00:42:20,167
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
646
00:42:21,713 --> 00:42:23,003
Patience, Angel.
647
00:42:23,923 --> 00:42:25,673
All in good time.
648
00:42:25,717 --> 00:42:27,637
Are you here for the turndown service,
or what?
649
00:42:29,220 --> 00:42:30,470
We have another talker.
650
00:42:30,513 --> 00:42:32,343
I'm just excited about my first day
at superhero camp.
651
00:42:32,390 --> 00:42:34,550
Shut the fuck up.
652
00:42:37,896 --> 00:42:39,856
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
653
00:42:40,815 --> 00:42:42,905
I manage this workshop.
654
00:42:43,985 --> 00:42:47,275
My welcome speech used to be
full of euphemisms like...
655
00:42:47,322 --> 00:42:50,952
"This may hurt a little."
"This may cause you some discomfort."
656
00:42:50,992 --> 00:42:53,282
But I've grown blunt.
657
00:42:53,328 --> 00:42:55,958
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
658
00:42:55,997 --> 00:42:59,667
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...
659
00:42:59,709 --> 00:43:03,049
into men of extraordinary abilities.
660
00:43:04,672 --> 00:43:07,922
But if you think superhuman powers
are acquired painlessly...
661
00:43:08,843 --> 00:43:09,673
Wrong.
662
00:43:10,345 --> 00:43:14,435
I'm injecting you with a serum that activates
any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
663
00:43:14,682 --> 00:43:18,602
For it to work we need to subject
you to extreme stress.
664
00:43:24,067 --> 00:43:27,367
You've heard that whole
"make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right?
665
00:43:28,112 --> 00:43:29,532
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
666
00:43:30,698 --> 00:43:33,248
I was a patient here once myself, you know.
667
00:43:33,785 --> 00:43:36,285
The treatment affects everyone differently.
668
00:43:36,621 --> 00:43:39,451
It made Angel inhumanly strong.
669
00:43:39,791 --> 00:43:43,791
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.
670
00:43:44,295 --> 00:43:47,255
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
671
00:43:48,967 --> 00:43:52,807
And, in fact, I no longer feel anything.
672
00:44:01,312 --> 00:44:04,102
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
673
00:44:04,399 --> 00:44:06,159
You have something in your teeth.
674
00:44:07,068 --> 00:44:09,278
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
675
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:12,230
A little nugget of romaine lettuce
or something.
676
00:44:14,242 --> 00:44:16,662
It's been bothering me for a long time.
677
00:44:18,121 --> 00:44:19,161
Made you look.
678
00:44:19,455 --> 00:44:22,915
Is Ajax your actual name?
Because it sounds suspiciously made up.
679
00:44:22,959 --> 00:44:24,089
What is it really?
680
00:44:24,127 --> 00:44:26,547
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
681
00:44:26,588 --> 00:44:28,178
Mitch? The Rickster?
682
00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:30,350
Is it Basil Fawlty?
683
00:44:30,675 --> 00:44:32,175
Joke away.
684
00:44:32,635 --> 00:44:35,515
One thing that never survives this place
is a sense of humor.
685
00:44:36,014 --> 00:44:37,304
We'll see about that.
686
00:44:37,348 --> 00:44:38,688
I suppose we will.
687
00:44:40,018 --> 00:44:41,608
He's all yours.
688
00:44:41,644 --> 00:44:42,854
Come on.
689
00:44:43,354 --> 00:44:46,484
You're gonna leave me all alone here
with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
690
00:44:50,862 --> 00:44:52,942
This is how it's going to work.
691
00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:55,999
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum...
692
00:44:56,618 --> 00:44:59,128
so we're going to have to
make you suffer.
693
00:45:00,872 --> 00:45:05,702
If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate
and manifest in a spectacular fashion.
694
00:45:10,006 --> 00:45:12,846
If not, well, we'll have
to keep on hurting you...
695
00:45:14,677 --> 00:45:17,387
in new and different ways,
each more painful than the last...
696
00:45:20,058 --> 00:45:22,398
until you finally mutate.
697
00:45:24,020 --> 00:45:25,230
Or die.
698
00:45:32,070 --> 00:45:33,700
You mean like a bucket list?
699
00:45:33,738 --> 00:45:36,038
Like a fuck-it list.
700
00:45:36,074 --> 00:45:38,744
I'd really like to light a spliff
off the Olympic torch.
701
00:45:39,327 --> 00:45:41,207
Pass it to me right after.
702
00:45:41,246 --> 00:45:47,206
Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.
703
00:45:48,253 --> 00:45:51,383
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
704
00:45:51,881 --> 00:45:54,751
Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney
a Dutch oven.
705
00:45:55,051 --> 00:45:58,171
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
706
00:46:02,850 --> 00:46:06,270
Making banana pancakes for my kids.
707
00:46:09,691 --> 00:46:11,731
Vanessa.
708
00:46:15,238 --> 00:46:17,618
I wanna see Vanessa.
709
00:46:17,657 --> 00:46:19,077
You're lovely.
710
00:46:19,117 --> 00:46:22,537
I don't know about anyone else,
but I'm touched.
711
00:46:22,579 --> 00:46:23,709
We were just joking.
712
00:46:23,746 --> 00:46:26,046
No, no. It's okay.
713
00:46:27,125 --> 00:46:28,795
I encourage distractions.
714
00:46:29,544 --> 00:46:31,924
Wouldn't want you giving up on us,
now would we?
715
00:46:31,963 --> 00:46:33,793
Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.
716
00:46:34,757 --> 00:46:37,137
How tough can he be...
717
00:46:37,176 --> 00:46:40,096
with a name like Francis?
718
00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:41,810
Francis?
719
00:46:42,098 --> 00:46:43,518
That's his legal name.
720
00:46:44,142 --> 00:46:47,602
He got "Ajax" from the dish soap.
721
00:46:49,647 --> 00:46:53,237
F-R-A-N-C-I...
722
00:46:53,735 --> 00:46:55,065
Oops!
723
00:46:56,863 --> 00:46:59,743
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
724
00:47:01,659 --> 00:47:04,079
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
725
00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:05,530
You are so relentlessly annoying.
726
00:47:05,580 --> 00:47:06,630
Thanks.
727
00:47:06,664 --> 00:47:07,914
Never heard that before.
728
00:47:07,957 --> 00:47:11,217
Why don't you do us all a favor
and shut the fuck up?
729
00:47:11,252 --> 00:47:13,252
Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
730
00:47:15,048 --> 00:47:16,798
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
731
00:47:16,841 --> 00:47:20,091
See, here's the problem
with round-the-clock torture...
732
00:47:20,136 --> 00:47:23,096
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
733
00:47:25,725 --> 00:47:28,065
Is that what you think?
734
00:47:33,358 --> 00:47:35,868
If this doesn't unlock your mutation,
then, well...
735
00:47:36,694 --> 00:47:37,984
nothing will.
736
00:47:38,404 --> 00:47:41,404
Now, what we're going to do is lower
the oxygen concentration in the air...
737
00:47:41,449 --> 00:47:44,079
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
738
00:47:44,369 --> 00:47:47,539
If your brainwaves slow,
meaning you're about to pass out...
739
00:47:48,206 --> 00:47:49,336
then we'll turn up the O2.
740
00:47:50,375 --> 00:47:51,795
If your heart rate slows...
741
00:47:51,834 --> 00:47:54,544
meaning you're able to catch your breath...
742
00:47:54,587 --> 00:47:55,967
we'll turn it back down.
743
00:47:56,589 --> 00:48:00,259
And that's where we'll leave you.
Right there.
744
00:48:00,635 --> 00:48:02,925
And I thought you guys were dicks before.
745
00:48:02,971 --> 00:48:05,381
You know the funniest part of this?
746
00:48:06,140 --> 00:48:08,510
You still think we're making you a superhero.
747
00:48:09,352 --> 00:48:12,812
You. A dishonorable discharge.
748
00:48:13,565 --> 00:48:15,605
Hip-deep in hookers.
749
00:48:16,317 --> 00:48:17,947
You're nothing.
750
00:48:18,903 --> 00:48:20,363
Little secret, Wade.
751
00:48:21,197 --> 00:48:25,287
This workshop doesn't make superheroes,
we make super-slaves.
752
00:48:26,369 --> 00:48:30,129
We're gonna fit you with a control collar
and auction you off to the highest bidder.
753
00:48:30,915 --> 00:48:32,295
Who knows what they'll have you doing?
754
00:48:33,126 --> 00:48:36,586
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
755
00:48:38,756 --> 00:48:41,596
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
756
00:48:42,093 --> 00:48:44,553
What the fuck is wrong with you?
757
00:48:49,809 --> 00:48:52,649
You're never going home after this.
758
00:48:52,687 --> 00:48:54,897
Now there's a brave face.
759
00:48:55,940 --> 00:48:57,480
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
760
00:48:59,819 --> 00:49:03,739
Seriously, you actually have something
in your teeth now.
761
00:49:05,658 --> 00:49:07,038
Enjoy your weekend.
762
00:49:07,410 --> 00:49:09,120
"Weekend"? Back up.
763
00:49:09,162 --> 00:49:10,372
Weekend?
764
00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:54,170
Did I say this was a love story?
765
00:49:54,207 --> 00:49:56,667
No, it's a horror movie.
766
00:50:13,142 --> 00:50:15,312
Fucking hell.
767
00:50:15,353 --> 00:50:18,603
Looks like someone lost his shot
at Homecoming King.
768
00:50:18,648 --> 00:50:20,738
What have you done to me?
769
00:50:20,775 --> 00:50:24,155
I've merely raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.
770
00:50:24,195 --> 00:50:26,325
You sadistic fuck!
771
00:50:27,031 --> 00:50:28,531
I've cured you, Wade.
772
00:50:29,367 --> 00:50:30,997
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
773
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:34,880
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
774
00:50:36,124 --> 00:50:38,704
Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.
775
00:50:40,003 --> 00:50:41,043
I could cure them...
776
00:50:44,632 --> 00:50:46,302
but where's the fun in that?
777
00:50:48,636 --> 00:50:51,186
Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.
778
00:50:52,974 --> 00:50:54,934
Not because I need to.
779
00:50:58,897 --> 00:51:00,607
Because I want to.
780
00:51:15,079 --> 00:51:16,289
Oh, well.
781
00:51:16,331 --> 00:51:17,541
Go ahead.
782
00:51:20,752 --> 00:51:22,582
You smell like shit.
783
00:51:25,882 --> 00:51:26,922
Motherfucker.
784
00:51:27,842 --> 00:51:29,762
It's all right, it's all right.
785
00:51:30,845 --> 00:51:32,595
I think we owe him that one, yeah?
786
00:51:32,847 --> 00:51:35,227
You take off. Go on.
787
00:51:36,017 --> 00:51:37,357
Off you go.
788
00:51:48,363 --> 00:51:49,943
Quick question.
789
00:51:52,242 --> 00:51:54,282
What's my name?
790
00:52:00,041 --> 00:52:01,371
Didn't think so.
791
00:52:03,253 --> 00:52:05,963
Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
792
00:54:02,413 --> 00:54:03,873
You don't want to kill me.
793
00:54:03,915 --> 00:54:06,165
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
794
00:55:02,891 --> 00:55:04,471
What's my name?
795
00:55:10,648 --> 00:55:11,818
Wade.
796
00:56:19,175 --> 00:56:22,215
I didn't just get the cure to el cГЎncer...
797
00:56:23,721 --> 00:56:26,391
I got the cure to el everything.
798
00:56:30,061 --> 00:56:32,311
But there was only one thing...
799
00:56:32,355 --> 00:56:33,985
that really mattered.
800
00:57:03,428 --> 00:57:04,478
Come on, let's go.
801
00:57:09,809 --> 00:57:12,569
Oh, that must hurt.
802
00:57:13,563 --> 00:57:15,023
Thank you so much.
803
00:57:26,951 --> 00:57:29,201
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
804
00:57:29,245 --> 00:57:30,665
Look at his face.
805
00:57:30,705 --> 00:57:33,085
Oh, my God. Poor guy.
806
00:57:33,124 --> 00:57:34,254
Honey, don't stare.
807
00:57:34,292 --> 00:57:35,452
Freak.
808
00:57:55,813 --> 00:57:59,153
No way. I'm not making her life
as ugly as mine.
809
00:57:59,442 --> 00:58:01,982
Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
810
00:58:02,028 --> 00:58:03,368
Bullshit!
811
00:58:03,404 --> 00:58:06,654
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
812
00:58:06,699 --> 00:58:09,249
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
813
00:58:11,037 --> 00:58:11,997
Do you like what you see?
814
00:58:12,247 --> 00:58:13,417
No.
815
00:58:13,915 --> 00:58:17,875
You look like an avocado had sex
with an older, more disgusting avocado.
816
00:58:18,294 --> 00:58:19,084
Yeah.
817
00:58:19,128 --> 00:58:21,218
Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking.
818
00:58:21,256 --> 00:58:23,176
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
819
00:58:23,216 --> 00:58:26,846
and that was the only catharsis that
they could find without violence.
820
00:58:26,886 --> 00:58:29,476
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
821
00:58:29,514 --> 00:58:32,224
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
822
00:58:32,267 --> 00:58:34,187
And he's gone. Poof!
823
00:58:34,227 --> 00:58:35,937
Yeah, well you gotta do something
to remedy this...
824
00:58:35,979 --> 00:58:39,029
because as of now,
you only have one course of action.
825
00:58:39,065 --> 00:58:40,315
Damn straight.
826
00:58:40,358 --> 00:58:42,238
-Find Francis.
-Star in horror films.
827
00:58:42,277 --> 00:58:43,237
What?
828
00:58:43,278 --> 00:58:45,488
Star in your own horror films.
829
00:58:45,530 --> 00:58:49,370
Because you look like Freddy Krueger
face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
830
00:58:50,201 --> 00:58:51,951
Here's what I'm actually gonna do.
831
00:58:51,995 --> 00:58:54,665
I'm gonna work through his crew
until somebody gives up Francis...
832
00:58:54,706 --> 00:58:57,086
force him to fix this,
then put a bullet in his skull...
833
00:58:57,125 --> 00:58:58,795
and fuck the brain hole.
834
00:58:58,835 --> 00:59:01,965
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
835
00:59:02,005 --> 00:59:04,215
But the douchebag does
think you're dead, right?
836
00:59:04,257 --> 00:59:04,967
Yeah.
837
00:59:05,008 --> 00:59:06,888
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
838
00:59:06,926 --> 00:59:08,596
What, like, wear a mask?
839
00:59:08,636 --> 00:59:11,596
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
840
00:59:12,348 --> 00:59:13,348
I am sorry...
841
00:59:13,391 --> 00:59:16,011
you are haunting.
842
00:59:16,060 --> 00:59:17,970
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
843
00:59:18,021 --> 00:59:19,391
Like a testicle with teeth.
844
00:59:19,439 --> 00:59:21,199
You will die alone.
845
00:59:21,232 --> 00:59:22,852
I mean, if you could die.
846
00:59:23,484 --> 00:59:25,444
Ideally, for others' sake.
847
00:59:25,486 --> 00:59:26,736
That'll do.
848
00:59:27,030 --> 00:59:28,830
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
849
00:59:28,865 --> 00:59:30,745
like Wade the Wisecracker...
850
00:59:31,159 --> 00:59:34,289
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.
851
00:59:35,163 --> 00:59:36,163
Shit.
852
00:59:36,748 --> 00:59:37,838
What?
853
00:59:38,666 --> 00:59:40,666
I put all my money on you and now...
854
00:59:40,710 --> 00:59:42,300
I just realized I'm never gonna win the...
855
00:59:42,337 --> 00:59:43,217
Dead pool.
856
00:59:47,217 --> 00:59:49,517
Captain Deadpool.
857
00:59:51,387 --> 00:59:52,517
No, just...
858
00:59:52,555 --> 00:59:54,305
-Just Deadpool, yeah.
-Just Deadpool.
859
00:59:54,349 --> 00:59:56,309
To you, Mr. Pool.
860
00:59:56,601 --> 00:59:59,101
Deadpool.
That sounds like a fucking franchise.
861
01:00:13,701 --> 01:00:15,781
This shit's gonna have nuts in it.
862
01:00:16,871 --> 01:00:17,871
Where's Francis?
863
01:00:32,136 --> 01:00:33,806
Where's Francis?
864
01:00:41,980 --> 01:00:43,900
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
865
01:00:45,233 --> 01:00:48,153
Or wear red. Dumbass.
866
01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:08,340
Don't make me ask twice.
867
01:01:09,716 --> 01:01:11,096
Where...
868
01:01:11,134 --> 01:01:13,264
is Francis?
869
01:01:13,845 --> 01:01:15,555
He made me ask twice.
870
01:01:15,597 --> 01:01:17,597
Is the mask muffling my voice?
871
01:01:22,395 --> 01:01:23,855
Where's Francis?
872
01:01:26,482 --> 01:01:28,312
Where the fuck is Francis?
873
01:01:36,993 --> 01:01:40,373
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.
874
01:01:40,413 --> 01:01:41,623
Where's Francis?
875
01:01:43,041 --> 01:01:44,161
No! Please!
876
01:01:44,792 --> 01:01:48,252
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
877
01:01:48,796 --> 01:01:51,426
You little spider monkey!
878
01:01:54,510 --> 01:01:57,970
Where... is... Francis?
879
01:01:59,140 --> 01:02:00,390
This is confusing.
880
01:02:00,433 --> 01:02:03,393
Is it sexist to hit you?
Is it more sexist to not hit you?
881
01:02:03,436 --> 01:02:05,736
I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
882
01:02:06,105 --> 01:02:08,025
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
883
01:02:09,609 --> 01:02:12,869
Tell me where your fucking boss is
or you're gonna die!
884
01:02:13,488 --> 01:02:15,118
In five minutes!
885
01:02:25,250 --> 01:02:27,010
Don't hesitate to call me.
886
01:02:42,642 --> 01:02:44,812
Nice to see you, Jared.
887
01:02:45,979 --> 01:02:47,439
I'll take the footlong...
888
01:02:47,939 --> 01:02:48,779
fully loaded.
889
01:03:04,372 --> 01:03:05,992
41 confirmed kills.
890
01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:08,450
Now it's 89. About to be 90.
891
01:03:09,210 --> 01:03:10,500
Mr. Wilson?
892
01:03:12,297 --> 01:03:14,467
You're looking very alive.
893
01:03:15,300 --> 01:03:16,350
Only on the outside.
894
01:03:17,010 --> 01:03:19,930
-This is not going to end well for me, is it?
-This is not gonna end well for you, no.
895
01:03:19,971 --> 01:03:21,131
Where's your boss?
896
01:03:21,180 --> 01:03:22,800
I can tell you exactly...
897
01:03:24,517 --> 01:03:26,397
Oh, you'll tell me, but first...
898
01:03:26,978 --> 01:03:29,278
You might wanna look away for this.
899
01:03:29,314 --> 01:03:30,564
Now this little piggy went to...
900
01:03:32,692 --> 01:03:34,982
Thank you, Agent Smith.
901
01:03:38,573 --> 01:03:39,323
Taxi!
902
01:03:41,075 --> 01:03:43,325
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
903
01:03:45,330 --> 01:03:46,710
And we all know how this turned out.
904
01:03:49,667 --> 01:03:51,877
Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.
905
01:03:59,844 --> 01:04:01,674
There. All caught up.
906
01:04:09,604 --> 01:04:11,524
We're here.
907
01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:15,520
Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.
908
01:04:21,783 --> 01:04:23,863
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
909
01:04:26,037 --> 01:04:28,587
Some kinds of anger can't be managed...
910
01:04:28,623 --> 01:04:33,713
like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
911
01:04:34,379 --> 01:04:38,889
That said, when it comes time to licking wounds,
there's no place like home.
912
01:04:39,717 --> 01:04:43,977
And I share that home with someone you've met,
the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
913
01:04:44,389 --> 01:04:45,939
God, I miss cocaine.
914
01:04:46,558 --> 01:04:47,268
Her.
915
01:04:48,393 --> 01:04:50,973
Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
916
01:04:51,229 --> 01:04:53,779
That's like 16 walls.
917
01:04:54,315 --> 01:04:59,735
She's like Robin to my Batman,
except she's old, and black, and blind.
918
01:04:59,779 --> 01:05:01,449
And I think she's in love with me.
919
01:05:01,906 --> 01:05:05,286
Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
920
01:05:15,295 --> 01:05:16,295
Al?
921
01:05:18,715 --> 01:05:19,965
Morning, sleepyhead.
922
01:05:21,593 --> 01:05:23,763
It smells like old lady pants in here.
923
01:05:23,803 --> 01:05:25,763
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.
924
01:05:25,805 --> 01:05:27,395
But you're no lady.
925
01:05:28,558 --> 01:05:30,228
So comfy.
926
01:05:30,977 --> 01:05:34,027
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
927
01:05:34,063 --> 01:05:35,563
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
928
01:05:35,607 --> 01:05:36,567
Yes, I know.
929
01:05:37,108 --> 01:05:39,778
Downside of being blind...
930
01:05:39,819 --> 01:05:41,989
I hear everything in this duplex.
931
01:05:44,324 --> 01:05:45,574
Sit on a stick.
932
01:05:45,617 --> 01:05:46,617
Bactin?
933
01:05:46,659 --> 01:05:50,749
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
934
01:05:51,956 --> 01:05:55,796
How's that Kullen coming along?
IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
935
01:05:55,835 --> 01:05:58,795
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
936
01:05:58,838 --> 01:06:00,718
It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
937
01:06:01,382 --> 01:06:04,002
Please. Anything's an improvement
over the Hurdal.
938
01:06:04,052 --> 01:06:07,552
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
939
01:06:08,681 --> 01:06:10,971
No, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
940
01:06:11,309 --> 01:06:12,189
Screw, please.
941
01:06:12,227 --> 01:06:13,607
Here? Now? Just kidding.
942
01:06:13,645 --> 01:06:14,855
I know it's been decades.
943
01:06:14,896 --> 01:06:16,026
You'd be surprised.
944
01:06:16,731 --> 01:06:17,811
Pretty grossed out.
945
01:06:19,817 --> 01:06:22,237
Ta... Da.
946
01:06:28,034 --> 01:06:31,164
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
947
01:06:31,579 --> 01:06:34,209
And I quote, "Looking for roommate,
blind to life's imperfections.
948
01:06:34,249 --> 01:06:35,379
"Must be good with hands."
949
01:06:35,416 --> 01:06:37,666
Or would you rather
I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
950
01:06:37,710 --> 01:06:39,580
Why such a douche this morning?
951
01:06:40,338 --> 01:06:41,468
Let's recap.
952
01:06:41,506 --> 01:06:43,846
The cock thistle that turned me into this freak...
953
01:06:43,883 --> 01:06:45,503
slipped through my arms today...
954
01:06:47,178 --> 01:06:48,388
Arm.
955
01:06:48,846 --> 01:06:51,976
Catching him was my only chance to be
hot again, get my super sexy ex back...
956
01:06:52,016 --> 01:06:54,316
and prevent this shit
from happening to someone else.
957
01:06:54,352 --> 01:06:58,102
So, yeah, today was about as much fun
as a sandpaper dildo.
958
01:07:00,024 --> 01:07:01,564
#driveby.
959
01:07:19,043 --> 01:07:21,043
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
960
01:07:23,381 --> 01:07:25,251
Fucking Wade Wilson.
961
01:07:26,217 --> 01:07:28,557
Suppose I'd wear a mask, too
if I had a face like that.
962
01:07:29,220 --> 01:07:30,760
I only wish I healed the same.
963
01:07:34,726 --> 01:07:37,526
Still, we'll put him out of our misery.
964
01:07:37,562 --> 01:07:38,812
On our terms.
965
01:07:39,230 --> 01:07:40,980
Right. And when he heals?
966
01:07:41,983 --> 01:07:43,103
He can't.
967
01:07:43,151 --> 01:07:45,731
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
968
01:07:45,778 --> 01:07:49,748
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
969
01:07:51,159 --> 01:07:52,579
I like a challenge.
970
01:07:53,912 --> 01:07:56,082
But he's bad for business.
971
01:07:56,122 --> 01:07:57,832
Now let's go find him.
972
01:08:02,295 --> 01:08:03,715
Tylenol PM?
973
01:08:03,755 --> 01:08:06,255
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
974
01:08:06,674 --> 01:08:09,094
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
975
01:08:09,135 --> 01:08:13,095
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
976
01:08:15,934 --> 01:08:18,014
But I appreciate the gesture.
977
01:08:18,937 --> 01:08:23,397
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?
978
01:08:23,441 --> 01:08:25,191
About the size of a KFC spork.
979
01:08:27,362 --> 01:08:29,572
I get why you're so pissy...
980
01:08:29,614 --> 01:08:32,614
but your mood's never gonna brighten
till you find this woman...
981
01:08:32,659 --> 01:08:34,079
and tell her how you feel.
982
01:08:34,118 --> 01:08:37,498
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo?
She wouldn't have me.
983
01:08:37,538 --> 01:08:39,248
If you could see me, you'd understand.
984
01:08:39,290 --> 01:08:40,410
Looks aren't everything.
985
01:08:40,458 --> 01:08:41,588
Looks are everything.
986
01:08:41,626 --> 01:08:43,756
You ever heard David Beckham speak?
987
01:08:43,795 --> 01:08:45,795
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
988
01:08:46,214 --> 01:08:49,464
Think Ryan Reynolds got this far
on his superior acting method?
989
01:08:49,509 --> 01:08:50,929
Love is blind, Wade.
990
01:08:50,969 --> 01:08:51,639
No.
991
01:08:52,971 --> 01:08:54,221
You're blind.
992
01:08:54,889 --> 01:08:57,809
So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
993
01:08:57,850 --> 01:08:59,930
No, I'm gonna wait till this arm
plows through puberty...
994
01:08:59,978 --> 01:09:01,978
and then I'm gonna come up
with a whole new Christmas Day plan.
995
01:09:02,897 --> 01:09:05,567
In the meantime,
you might wanna leave the room.
996
01:09:06,234 --> 01:09:08,654
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
997
01:09:09,988 --> 01:09:12,698
Go, go, go.
998
01:09:13,241 --> 01:09:16,201
So, the doctor says, "The bad news is
you don't have that long to live."
999
01:09:16,244 --> 01:09:17,824
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
1000
01:09:17,870 --> 01:09:19,780
The doctor says, "Five."
1001
01:09:19,831 --> 01:09:21,451
The guy says, "Five what?"
1002
01:09:21,499 --> 01:09:25,379
The doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
1003
01:09:32,552 --> 01:09:34,092
Can I help you ladies?
1004
01:09:36,681 --> 01:09:37,841
I do hope so.
1005
01:09:42,061 --> 01:09:46,191
I heard you might be able to point me
in the direction of a friend of mine.
1006
01:09:46,733 --> 01:09:47,733
Name of Wade Wilson.
1007
01:09:49,277 --> 01:09:50,407
Sorry.
1008
01:09:50,445 --> 01:09:52,025
I don't know the name.
1009
01:09:59,370 --> 01:10:01,700
Hey, you're not supposed to be
behind the bar.
1010
01:10:05,418 --> 01:10:07,338
I've seen this girl.
1011
01:10:07,378 --> 01:10:09,888
This must be Vanessa.
I've heard so much about you.
1012
01:10:14,636 --> 01:10:16,386
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around.
1013
01:10:16,971 --> 01:10:19,551
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
1014
01:10:20,975 --> 01:10:22,725
Easy, Angel.
1015
01:10:22,769 --> 01:10:24,149
Put the little man down.
1016
01:10:25,730 --> 01:10:27,480
We have everything we need now.
1017
01:10:27,899 --> 01:10:28,949
You sure?
1018
01:10:29,651 --> 01:10:32,731
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
1019
01:10:32,779 --> 01:10:35,449
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.
1020
01:10:39,118 --> 01:10:40,828
Thanks for having my back, guys.
1021
01:10:45,833 --> 01:10:50,123
Wade, we have a fucking problem.
And by "we," I mean "you."
1022
01:10:51,005 --> 01:10:52,675
I can't believe I'm doing this.
1023
01:10:53,174 --> 01:10:56,054
Is there a word for half afraid,
half angry?
1024
01:10:56,094 --> 01:10:58,224
Yeah, "afrangry," I guess.
1025
01:10:58,263 --> 01:11:00,053
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?
1026
01:11:00,098 --> 01:11:01,098
Fuck me!
1027
01:11:01,432 --> 01:11:03,352
Maybe not start with that.
1028
01:11:09,274 --> 01:11:12,564
Hey, coming onto our stage right now...
1029
01:11:12,610 --> 01:11:14,770
give it up for Chastity!
1030
01:11:18,616 --> 01:11:20,956
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
1031
01:11:20,994 --> 01:11:23,124
Better find her fast before numbnuts does.
1032
01:11:23,162 --> 01:11:24,662
How do you know she's in here?
1033
01:11:24,706 --> 01:11:27,836
Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.
1034
01:11:52,817 --> 01:11:56,327
Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
1035
01:11:57,155 --> 01:11:59,325
Especially from this angle.
1036
01:12:22,847 --> 01:12:26,857
You can't buy love,
but you can rent it for three minutes.
1037
01:12:29,896 --> 01:12:32,566
You weak motherfucker!
1038
01:12:33,358 --> 01:12:34,358
Come on!
1039
01:12:35,568 --> 01:12:38,868
Come on, get it together.
This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.
1040
01:12:43,034 --> 01:12:44,364
Here we go.
1041
01:12:46,955 --> 01:12:48,535
Maximum effort.
1042
01:12:52,085 --> 01:12:53,215
Vanessa.
1043
01:12:55,713 --> 01:12:59,883
Someone out back asking for you.
Something about an old boyfriend.
1044
01:13:27,245 --> 01:13:28,325
I knew it was you.
1045
01:13:30,164 --> 01:13:32,084
The weird, curvy edges.
1046
01:13:33,668 --> 01:13:35,508
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
1047
01:13:45,597 --> 01:13:47,437
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
1048
01:13:56,441 --> 01:13:57,981
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
1049
01:13:58,943 --> 01:14:01,483
I saw her head to the back.
Go get her, tiger.
1050
01:14:29,515 --> 01:14:31,265
Motherfucker!
1051
01:14:31,309 --> 01:14:33,649
-Wait, wait. Let's... Just...
-Cock juggling...
1052
01:14:33,686 --> 01:14:35,606
-We can talk about what we're gonna...
-Jiminy! Fuck face!
1053
01:14:35,647 --> 01:14:36,937
Okay, or you can hit that.
1054
01:14:36,981 --> 01:14:38,811
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Fuck! Fuck!
1055
01:14:38,858 --> 01:14:41,528
-No, no. All right. Hey!
-Fuck! Fuck!
1056
01:14:41,986 --> 01:14:43,026
-Fuck!
-Hey.
1057
01:14:44,072 --> 01:14:46,152
Relax. Relax. Okay.
1058
01:14:46,199 --> 01:14:47,539
Okay. I think that’s a good start.
1059
01:14:47,575 --> 01:14:49,665
I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...
1060
01:14:49,702 --> 01:14:50,702
Wait.
1061
01:14:50,745 --> 01:14:52,245
-Find it! Find it.
-What?
1062
01:14:52,288 --> 01:14:53,708
-I'm gonna get angry.
-Okay. All right.
1063
01:14:54,123 --> 01:14:55,913
All right. Okay. All right.
1064
01:14:55,959 --> 01:14:57,299
Here. This is Vanessa.
1065
01:14:57,335 --> 01:14:59,375
-What?
-No, wait. It's Francis.
1066
01:14:59,420 --> 01:15:01,040
He wants you to come to him.
1067
01:15:01,339 --> 01:15:03,509
-What is that?
-That's the shit emoji.
1068
01:15:03,883 --> 01:15:06,013
You know, it's the turd
with the smiling face and the eyes?
1069
01:15:06,052 --> 01:15:08,382
I thought it was chocolate yogurt
for so long.
1070
01:15:09,097 --> 01:15:10,307
I need guns.
1071
01:15:10,348 --> 01:15:11,518
Okay, which ones?
1072
01:15:11,558 --> 01:15:12,688
I need all the guns!
1073
01:15:12,725 --> 01:15:13,935
All right. Okay.
1074
01:15:34,622 --> 01:15:36,082
That's about 3,000 rounds.
1075
01:15:37,041 --> 01:15:39,081
We all know what I can do with 12.
1076
01:15:39,502 --> 01:15:41,712
Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!
1077
01:15:41,754 --> 01:15:42,834
We're downrange.
1078
01:15:44,299 --> 01:15:47,849
I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje,
but this is holding my interest.
1079
01:15:49,012 --> 01:15:51,842
I told you, we're going with the Urvaj,
not the Börje.
1080
01:15:51,890 --> 01:15:53,900
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
1081
01:15:53,933 --> 01:15:56,723
Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.
1082
01:15:56,769 --> 01:15:58,529
Nah. Come on. Let's go.
Cough it up.
1083
01:15:58,897 --> 01:16:00,397
Up, up, up.
1084
01:16:01,816 --> 01:16:02,946
Down, down, down.
1085
01:16:02,984 --> 01:16:03,694
Fuck you.
1086
01:16:05,820 --> 01:16:08,530
.45 cal. I like it.
1087
01:16:10,700 --> 01:16:11,960
Wade...
1088
01:16:13,161 --> 01:16:15,871
I'd go with you, but I don't want to.
1089
01:16:20,418 --> 01:16:21,588
Listen, Al...
1090
01:16:22,670 --> 01:16:27,840
if I never see you again, I want you
to know that I love you very much.
1091
01:16:28,760 --> 01:16:33,890
And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine
buried somewhere in the apartment...
1092
01:16:33,932 --> 01:16:36,722
right next to the cure for blindness.
Good luck.
1093
01:16:42,232 --> 01:16:43,522
You wanna get fucked up?
1094
01:16:53,618 --> 01:16:55,118
Put her down over here.
1095
01:17:05,338 --> 01:17:06,548
Go on then.
1096
01:17:08,967 --> 01:17:11,557
Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
1097
01:17:12,011 --> 01:17:15,341
Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade.
1098
01:17:15,390 --> 01:17:18,650
I've been trying to tell you assholes,
you've got the wrong girl.
1099
01:17:18,685 --> 01:17:20,225
My old boyfriend, he's dead.
1100
01:17:20,270 --> 01:17:23,940
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
1101
01:17:23,982 --> 01:17:25,312
Like a cockroach...
1102
01:17:25,358 --> 01:17:26,658
but uglier.
1103
01:17:27,694 --> 01:17:31,154
Now, I may not feel, but he does.
1104
01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:34,120
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
1105
01:17:43,042 --> 01:17:44,542
Ripley, from Alien 3!
1106
01:17:45,169 --> 01:17:47,009
Fuck, you're old.
1107
01:17:48,673 --> 01:17:51,133
Fake laugh. Hiding real pain.
1108
01:17:51,175 --> 01:17:52,555
Go get Silver Balls.
1109
01:17:52,594 --> 01:17:54,844
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
1110
01:17:54,888 --> 01:17:57,398
Like there's something wrong with
eating before sundown or saving money.
1111
01:17:57,849 --> 01:18:01,189
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
1112
01:18:01,769 --> 01:18:03,689
He's got my girl.
1113
01:18:03,730 --> 01:18:05,110
You're gonna help me get her back.
1114
01:18:05,523 --> 01:18:07,353
Wade? Is that you?
1115
01:18:07,400 --> 01:18:11,820
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
and I got an offer that you can't refuse.
1116
01:18:14,532 --> 01:18:15,692
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?
1117
01:18:15,742 --> 01:18:17,822
It's a big house.
It's funny that I only ever see two of you.
1118
01:18:17,869 --> 01:18:21,169
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.
1119
01:18:24,709 --> 01:18:26,169
And that is why, in my opinion...
1120
01:18:26,210 --> 01:18:29,420
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
1121
01:18:29,923 --> 01:18:31,713
Who brought this twinkly man?
1122
01:18:31,758 --> 01:18:33,848
Twinkly, but deadly.
1123
01:18:33,885 --> 01:18:37,935
My chrome-penised friend back there
has agreed to do me this solid.
1124
01:18:38,514 --> 01:18:42,514
In exchange, I said that I would
consider joining his boy band.
1125
01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,850
It's not boy band.
1126
01:18:43,895 --> 01:18:44,935
Sure it's not.
1127
01:18:46,272 --> 01:18:47,942
So, any luck winning Gita back?
1128
01:18:48,733 --> 01:18:51,193
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool...
1129
01:18:51,236 --> 01:18:54,866
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
1130
01:18:55,531 --> 01:18:57,241
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
1131
01:19:03,122 --> 01:19:04,122
Dopinder?
1132
01:19:06,084 --> 01:19:07,084
What was that?
1133
01:19:09,128 --> 01:19:14,758
That was Bandhu in the trunk.
1134
01:19:15,426 --> 01:19:16,716
Ban who?
1135
01:19:16,761 --> 01:19:19,551
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
1136
01:19:19,597 --> 01:19:21,267
I'm doing as you said, DP.
1137
01:19:21,307 --> 01:19:25,107
I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish,
then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
1138
01:19:26,437 --> 01:19:28,107
I did not tell him to do that.
1139
01:19:28,147 --> 01:19:30,857
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
1140
01:19:30,900 --> 01:19:34,110
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
1141
01:19:34,153 --> 01:19:35,273
I'm so proud of you.
1142
01:19:35,321 --> 01:19:37,611
Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
1143
01:19:37,657 --> 01:19:38,577
Kill him.
1144
01:19:38,616 --> 01:19:40,746
And then, win Gita back...
1145
01:19:40,785 --> 01:19:43,575
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
1146
01:19:43,621 --> 01:19:44,951
Kidnap her.
1147
01:19:46,499 --> 01:19:47,669
He's super dead.
1148
01:19:53,131 --> 01:19:54,751
I presume a crisp high five?
1149
01:19:54,799 --> 01:19:56,139
For you? 10.
1150
01:19:57,635 --> 01:20:00,425
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.
1151
01:20:00,471 --> 01:20:02,341
You know what to do.
1152
01:20:03,308 --> 01:20:05,938
Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!
1153
01:20:07,145 --> 01:20:09,145
Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
1154
01:20:10,648 --> 01:20:12,278
Not often a dude ruins your face...
1155
01:20:12,317 --> 01:20:15,277
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
1156
01:20:15,320 --> 01:20:19,500
and personally sees to four
of your five shittiest moments.
1157
01:20:19,532 --> 01:20:23,702
Let's just say, it's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas.
1158
01:20:36,674 --> 01:20:38,004
Hey.
1159
01:20:38,051 --> 01:20:39,341
Where's your duffle bag?
1160
01:20:58,196 --> 01:20:59,616
Bandhu?
1161
01:21:01,157 --> 01:21:03,287
Leave a message and have a happy day.
1162
01:21:03,326 --> 01:21:04,666
God damn it!
1163
01:21:04,702 --> 01:21:06,412
I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...
1164
01:21:06,454 --> 01:21:09,874
with two swords and maximum effort.
1165
01:21:10,875 --> 01:21:11,875
Cue the music.
1166
01:21:28,059 --> 01:21:30,519
Wade Wilson!
1167
01:21:31,062 --> 01:21:32,682
What's my name?
1168
01:21:33,314 --> 01:21:34,894
I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.
1169
01:21:37,235 --> 01:21:38,315
Go get some.
1170
01:21:38,361 --> 01:21:39,521
Superhero landing.
1171
01:21:39,571 --> 01:21:41,571
She's gonna do a superhero landing.
Wait for it.
1172
01:21:46,202 --> 01:21:47,362
Superhero landing!
1173
01:21:47,912 --> 01:21:48,992
You know, that's really hard
on your knees.
1174
01:21:49,330 --> 01:21:50,740
Totally impractical. They all do it.
1175
01:21:51,249 --> 01:21:54,549
You're a lovely lady,
but I'm saving myself for Francis.
1176
01:21:54,586 --> 01:21:55,796
That's why I brought him.
1177
01:21:55,837 --> 01:21:59,047
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please...
1178
01:22:06,264 --> 01:22:09,354
I mean, that's why I brought her?
1179
01:22:10,894 --> 01:22:13,064
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
1180
01:22:13,104 --> 01:22:14,684
Just give us a second. Yeah.
1181
01:22:14,731 --> 01:22:16,061
There you go. Hashtag it.
1182
01:22:17,442 --> 01:22:19,272
Go get her, tiger.
1183
01:22:25,950 --> 01:22:29,700
I so pity the dude who pressures
her into prom sex.
1184
01:22:30,413 --> 01:22:31,953
All right, then. Fire!
1185
01:22:43,718 --> 01:22:45,348
Finish fucking her the fuck up!
1186
01:22:45,386 --> 01:22:46,426
Language, please.
1187
01:22:46,471 --> 01:22:47,631
Suck a cock.
1188
01:23:13,665 --> 01:23:15,335
Look away, child.
1189
01:23:16,084 --> 01:23:17,414
Look away!
1190
01:23:24,759 --> 01:23:26,099
Wait!
1191
01:23:26,135 --> 01:23:27,305
Wait!
1192
01:23:27,345 --> 01:23:28,345
Cease fire!
1193
01:23:28,388 --> 01:23:29,728
Cease fire!
1194
01:23:29,764 --> 01:23:31,224
Fellas! Hey! Hey!
1195
01:23:32,600 --> 01:23:36,310
You only work
for that shit-spackled muppet fart.
1196
01:23:36,354 --> 01:23:40,394
So, I'mma give you a chance
for y'all to lay down your firearms...
1197
01:23:40,441 --> 01:23:43,441
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
1198
01:23:43,486 --> 01:23:46,946
possibly even lover-like treatment.
1199
01:23:48,992 --> 01:23:50,282
Fine.
1200
01:23:50,326 --> 01:23:51,246
Commando!
1201
01:25:03,441 --> 01:25:04,351
Teabag!
1202
01:25:08,947 --> 01:25:09,907
Bob?
1203
01:25:10,990 --> 01:25:11,940
Wade?
1204
01:25:11,991 --> 01:25:13,281
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...
1205
01:25:13,326 --> 01:25:15,616
-Jacksonville. Fridays.
-Since TGI Fridays.
1206
01:25:16,412 --> 01:25:18,122
Well, what the hell!
1207
01:25:18,706 --> 01:25:20,206
God, come here, you.
1208
01:25:22,377 --> 01:25:24,337
How are the kids? Good?
1209
01:25:24,879 --> 01:25:26,799
And Gail?
She's still fixing that tuna casserole?
1210
01:25:26,839 --> 01:25:29,639
So good! But bad for the waistline,
if you know what I'm talking about.
1211
01:25:36,349 --> 01:25:39,689
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
1212
01:25:39,727 --> 01:25:40,777
That is so sweet.
1213
01:25:42,230 --> 01:25:43,150
Thanks.
1214
01:25:55,410 --> 01:25:59,000
Does he write you notes too?
He's such a romantic.
1215
01:25:59,372 --> 01:26:00,742
Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'.
1216
01:26:02,375 --> 01:26:03,165
Fire!
1217
01:26:10,758 --> 01:26:12,218
Hey!
1218
01:26:12,552 --> 01:26:13,512
Climb on!
1219
01:26:50,548 --> 01:26:52,098
Motherfucking...
1220
01:27:03,478 --> 01:27:05,938
Motherfucker should have worn
his brown pants.
1221
01:27:08,733 --> 01:27:09,903
You were right, beautiful.
1222
01:27:10,777 --> 01:27:12,487
Red really is my color.
1223
01:27:13,404 --> 01:27:14,364
Wade?
1224
01:27:14,405 --> 01:27:15,285
Don't worry, baby...
1225
01:27:15,740 --> 01:27:17,740
I'mma get you out of that shit-box.
1226
01:27:18,243 --> 01:27:20,453
What better way to crawl back inside
that head of yours?
1227
01:27:20,495 --> 01:27:22,415
Oh, you never left.
1228
01:27:22,455 --> 01:27:24,585
But you did, asshole!
1229
01:27:24,624 --> 01:27:26,084
Deep breath, darling.
1230
01:27:27,627 --> 01:27:28,757
Oh, wait.
1231
01:27:29,879 --> 01:27:31,429
Wrong choice of words.
1232
01:27:33,633 --> 01:27:36,513
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
1233
01:27:36,553 --> 01:27:37,633
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
1234
01:27:39,055 --> 01:27:41,095
I hear you grow back body parts now,
Wade.
1235
01:27:41,599 --> 01:27:42,479
When I'm finished...
1236
01:27:42,725 --> 01:27:44,565
parts will have to grow back you.
1237
01:27:44,602 --> 01:27:45,722
Good one.
1238
01:27:46,646 --> 01:27:48,566
Yep, that was a good one.
1239
01:27:48,606 --> 01:27:49,566
Let's dance.
1240
01:27:50,942 --> 01:27:52,192
And by dance, I mean...
1241
01:27:52,235 --> 01:27:53,315
let's try to kill each other.
1242
01:28:47,999 --> 01:28:50,209
Fine. Fists.
1243
01:28:50,501 --> 01:28:52,331
Sounds like your last Saturday night.
1244
01:30:14,252 --> 01:30:16,332
Asshole!
1245
01:31:12,685 --> 01:31:13,685
Hang in there, baby!
1246
01:31:14,187 --> 01:31:16,147
-Wade!
-I gotcha!
1247
01:31:19,567 --> 01:31:21,527
I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
1248
01:31:32,163 --> 01:31:33,283
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1249
01:31:39,254 --> 01:31:41,754
Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
1250
01:31:57,772 --> 01:31:58,852
Damn it!
1251
01:31:59,774 --> 01:32:02,654
Maximum effort!
1252
01:32:44,986 --> 01:32:45,986
Thanks.
1253
01:32:50,909 --> 01:32:52,579
Just take it slow.
1254
01:33:03,004 --> 01:33:05,634
Oh, my God! That was so...
1255
01:33:36,663 --> 01:33:38,243
There are no words!
1256
01:33:39,290 --> 01:33:42,910
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
1257
01:33:43,670 --> 01:33:44,680
What?
1258
01:33:47,215 --> 01:33:49,925
You stupid fucking idiot.
1259
01:33:50,468 --> 01:33:55,018
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?
1260
01:33:56,933 --> 01:33:57,853
What?
1261
01:33:58,309 --> 01:33:59,399
You heard me.
1262
01:34:01,187 --> 01:34:02,357
No.
1263
01:34:02,397 --> 01:34:03,647
No!
1264
01:34:10,822 --> 01:34:13,822
So, you mean to say...
1265
01:34:14,617 --> 01:34:18,877
after all this, you can't fix me?
1266
01:34:19,455 --> 01:34:21,585
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
1267
01:34:21,624 --> 01:34:26,714
Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do
the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
1268
01:34:30,550 --> 01:34:32,390
Any last words?
1269
01:34:34,262 --> 01:34:35,342
What's my name?
1270
01:34:36,472 --> 01:34:37,762
Who fucking cares?
1271
01:34:37,807 --> 01:34:38,597
Wade!
1272
01:34:40,226 --> 01:34:42,606
Four or five moments.
1273
01:34:43,187 --> 01:34:44,187
I'm sorry?
1274
01:34:44,230 --> 01:34:46,600
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
1275
01:34:47,317 --> 01:34:48,197
To?
1276
01:34:49,360 --> 01:34:50,690
Be a hero.
1277
01:34:52,697 --> 01:34:55,447
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.
1278
01:34:55,491 --> 01:34:59,071
Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.
1279
01:34:59,871 --> 01:35:01,661
Not true.
1280
01:35:01,706 --> 01:35:06,876
Over a lifetime, there are only four
or five moments that really matter.
1281
01:35:07,253 --> 01:35:09,753
Moments when you're offered a choice.
1282
01:35:09,797 --> 01:35:13,967
To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw,
save a friend...
1283
01:35:14,761 --> 01:35:17,381
spare an enemy.
1284
01:35:17,805 --> 01:35:19,185
In these moments...
1285
01:35:19,974 --> 01:35:22,854
everything else falls away.
1286
01:35:23,561 --> 01:35:26,101
The way the world sees us.
1287
01:35:26,481 --> 01:35:27,481
The way we...
1288
01:35:31,736 --> 01:35:32,736
Why?
1289
01:35:33,988 --> 01:35:36,038
You were droning on.
1290
01:35:36,074 --> 01:35:39,114
Sure, I may be stuck
looking like pepperoni flatbread...
1291
01:35:39,160 --> 01:35:41,950
but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
1292
01:35:42,205 --> 01:35:44,835
If wearing superhero tights...
1293
01:35:45,291 --> 01:35:46,751
means sparing psychopaths...
1294
01:35:46,793 --> 01:35:48,963
then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em.
1295
01:35:49,003 --> 01:35:51,463
Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
1296
01:35:51,506 --> 01:35:52,676
Just promise...
1297
01:35:52,715 --> 01:35:56,465
Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout
for the next four moments.
1298
01:35:56,511 --> 01:35:58,131
Oh, shit.
1299
01:35:58,179 --> 01:36:04,149
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy,
about to stand in front of a girl...
1300
01:36:04,185 --> 01:36:05,515
and tell her...
1301
01:36:05,562 --> 01:36:07,642
What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
1302
01:36:07,689 --> 01:36:10,949
Well, you better figure it out.
1303
01:36:12,402 --> 01:36:13,692
I can't even tell you...
1304
01:36:13,736 --> 01:36:14,826
I deserved that. That, too.
1305
01:36:15,572 --> 01:36:17,322
No, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
1306
01:36:17,365 --> 01:36:19,155
Start talking!
1307
01:36:21,202 --> 01:36:22,782
I'm sorry.
1308
01:36:23,037 --> 01:36:24,497
I'm so sorry.
1309
01:36:25,331 --> 01:36:27,871
For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
1310
01:36:29,377 --> 01:36:31,467
I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.
1311
01:36:31,504 --> 01:36:33,584
It's been rough couple of years.
1312
01:36:33,631 --> 01:36:34,291
Rough?
1313
01:36:42,098 --> 01:36:43,938
I live in a crackhouse.
1314
01:36:45,184 --> 01:36:46,514
With a family of 12.
1315
01:36:48,271 --> 01:36:49,811
Every night we spoon for warmth.
1316
01:36:49,856 --> 01:36:52,906
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
1317
01:36:52,942 --> 01:36:58,782
There's nothing that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
1318
01:37:06,915 --> 01:37:09,085
So, you live in a house.
1319
01:37:17,926 --> 01:37:20,886
I should have come and found you sooner.
1320
01:37:22,347 --> 01:37:26,307
But, baby, the guy under this mask,
he ain't the same one that you remember.
1321
01:37:30,688 --> 01:37:31,898
You mean this mask?
1322
01:37:52,043 --> 01:37:53,623
And this one.
1323
01:37:55,088 --> 01:37:56,888
In case the other fell off.
1324
01:37:59,842 --> 01:38:02,132
All right. Yeah, just...
1325
01:38:02,178 --> 01:38:03,888
Like a Band-Aid, just give it a...
1326
01:38:03,930 --> 01:38:06,150
Owdie 5,000.
1327
01:38:06,182 --> 01:38:07,142
Wait, wait, wait...
1328
01:38:09,102 --> 01:38:10,352
Are you sure?
1329
01:38:12,230 --> 01:38:13,240
I'm sure.
1330
01:38:23,741 --> 01:38:24,611
Wow.
1331
01:38:25,994 --> 01:38:27,114
Yeah.
1332
01:38:34,043 --> 01:38:35,373
Hey...
1333
01:38:37,630 --> 01:38:39,380
After a brief adjustment period...
1334
01:38:39,924 --> 01:38:41,844
and a bunch of drinks...
1335
01:38:43,261 --> 01:38:45,221
it's a face...
1336
01:38:49,684 --> 01:38:51,314
I'd be happy to sit on.
1337
01:38:58,776 --> 01:39:02,486
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
1338
01:39:02,530 --> 01:39:03,320
No.
1339
01:39:03,865 --> 01:39:05,825
Super-penis.
1340
01:39:05,867 --> 01:39:07,747
Come on, Wade. Language.
1341
01:39:07,994 --> 01:39:09,374
Young one is present.
1342
01:39:10,455 --> 01:39:12,335
What are you still doing?
1343
01:39:12,373 --> 01:39:15,083
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
1344
01:39:15,126 --> 01:39:17,926
You, go be a really big brother
to someone.
1345
01:39:17,962 --> 01:39:19,712
Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.
1346
01:39:19,756 --> 01:39:21,716
And you, chicken noodle...
1347
01:39:21,758 --> 01:39:23,558
nothing compares to you.
1348
01:39:23,593 --> 01:39:25,673
SinГ©ad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
1349
01:39:25,720 --> 01:39:28,430
That's all right. You're cool.
1350
01:39:30,350 --> 01:39:32,060
What in the ass?
1351
01:39:32,101 --> 01:39:35,141
That was not mean!
I'm proud of you!
1352
01:39:35,563 --> 01:39:38,733
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
1353
01:39:38,775 --> 01:39:41,905
For a second there, it felt like
we were three mini-lion robots...
1354
01:39:41,945 --> 01:39:44,155
coming together to form one super robot.
1355
01:39:45,031 --> 01:39:46,241
There's a stupid.
1356
01:39:46,282 --> 01:39:47,322
Yeah.
1357
01:39:50,787 --> 01:39:55,167
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
1358
01:39:58,920 --> 01:40:00,050
Come here.
1359
01:40:09,931 --> 01:40:12,891
Wham! As promised.
1360
01:40:25,947 --> 01:40:27,117
See?
1361
01:40:27,156 --> 01:40:30,746
You don't need to be a superhero
to get the girl.
1362
01:40:30,785 --> 01:40:33,665
The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
1363
01:40:34,163 --> 01:40:37,663
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot.
Pull out.
1364
01:40:37,709 --> 01:40:39,299
There we go, that looks nice.
1365
01:40:39,335 --> 01:40:41,715
That's gonna be about the only thing
that's pulling out tonight.
1366
01:40:41,754 --> 01:40:45,134
Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?
1367
01:40:45,174 --> 01:40:49,014
Till next time, this is your friendly
neighborhood pool guy singing...
1368
01:40:49,053 --> 01:40:54,933
I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you
1369
01:47:04,888 --> 01:47:06,438
You're still here?
1370
01:47:09,058 --> 01:47:12,108
It's over. Go home.
1371
01:47:13,771 --> 01:47:18,101
You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have that kind of money.
1372
01:47:19,152 --> 01:47:22,192
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
1373
01:47:22,238 --> 01:47:24,908
With an eye patch
and a saucy little leather number?
1374
01:47:24,949 --> 01:47:26,579
Go. Go.
1375
01:47:32,832 --> 01:47:35,372
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
1376
01:47:35,418 --> 01:47:38,628
For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.
1377
01:47:38,671 --> 01:47:41,091
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
1378
01:47:41,132 --> 01:47:43,422
We have no idea who we're gonna
cast yet, but it could be anybody.
1379
01:47:43,468 --> 01:47:46,768
Just need a big guy with a flat top.
Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...
1380
01:47:46,804 --> 01:47:49,304
Keira Knightley. She's got range.
Who knows.
1381
01:47:49,349 --> 01:47:50,769
Anyway, big secret.
1382
01:47:50,808 --> 01:47:55,318
And don't leave your garbage all lying around.
It's a total dick move.
1383
01:47:56,272 --> 01:47:57,312
Go.
161914