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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:02:59,475 --> 00:03:01,895 Kinda lonesome back here. 2 00:03:02,353 --> 00:03:03,393 Yeah, little help. 3 00:03:04,731 --> 00:03:09,191 Okay, just, I have to keep my hands on the wheel. 4 00:03:10,904 --> 00:03:12,024 Excuse me. 5 00:03:13,698 --> 00:03:14,998 Dopinder. 6 00:03:15,033 --> 00:03:17,033 Pool. Dead. 7 00:03:18,703 --> 00:03:19,663 Nice. 8 00:03:20,830 --> 00:03:21,950 Smells good, no? 9 00:03:21,998 --> 00:03:23,878 Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl. 10 00:03:24,584 --> 00:03:27,424 Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. 11 00:03:27,921 --> 00:03:31,541 She would have made me a very agreeable wife. 12 00:03:32,425 --> 00:03:35,885 But, Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin Bandhu. 13 00:03:35,929 --> 00:03:39,899 He is as dishonorable as he is attractive. 14 00:03:41,059 --> 00:03:44,899 Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today. 15 00:03:45,230 --> 00:03:46,690 Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember? 16 00:03:46,731 --> 00:03:51,561 No, my slender brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. 17 00:03:51,611 --> 00:03:54,401 When you find it, the whole world tastes like Daffodil Daydream. 18 00:03:55,615 --> 00:03:57,405 So you gotta hold onto love... 19 00:03:57,742 --> 00:03:59,202 tight! 20 00:03:59,244 --> 00:04:02,204 And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. 21 00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:03,497 -Got it? -Yeah. 22 00:04:03,539 --> 00:04:07,049 Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga. 23 00:04:07,585 --> 00:04:09,925 Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like? 24 00:04:09,963 --> 00:04:12,923 -Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. -Okay, enough. 25 00:04:12,966 --> 00:04:15,886 I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is, it's bad! 26 00:04:15,927 --> 00:04:17,637 It's bad. 27 00:04:18,221 --> 00:04:20,891 Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool? 28 00:04:20,932 --> 00:04:22,892 That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. 29 00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:25,434 And I'm after someone on my naughty list. 30 00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:27,068 I've been waiting one year, three weeks... 31 00:04:27,105 --> 00:04:29,065 six days and... 32 00:04:29,107 --> 00:04:31,447 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me. 33 00:04:33,069 --> 00:04:35,409 And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool? 34 00:04:35,446 --> 00:04:36,786 This shit... 35 00:04:38,324 --> 00:04:38,994 Boo! 36 00:04:59,929 --> 00:05:01,019 They won't disappoint. 37 00:05:01,681 --> 00:05:03,471 They'd better not. 38 00:05:03,516 --> 00:05:05,936 And what about next month's shipment? 39 00:05:05,977 --> 00:05:07,727 There won't be one. 40 00:05:07,770 --> 00:05:09,310 You're not the only one with a war to win. 41 00:05:10,523 --> 00:05:11,943 That won't do. 42 00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:18,781 See, we've had this small disruption to our supply chain... 43 00:05:22,619 --> 00:05:24,829 We'd appreciate your patience. 44 00:05:27,332 --> 00:05:28,332 Okay. 45 00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:31,333 We'll deliver in full the following month. 46 00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:35,889 Pleasure doing business with you. 47 00:05:39,844 --> 00:05:41,554 Fucking mutant. 48 00:05:51,564 --> 00:05:53,144 Ah, shit! 49 00:05:53,191 --> 00:05:54,561 I forgot my ammo bag. 50 00:05:54,901 --> 00:05:57,151 -Shall we turn back? -No, no time. 51 00:05:57,570 --> 00:05:59,150 Fuck it. I got this. 52 00:05:59,197 --> 00:06:02,537 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust. 53 00:06:02,575 --> 00:06:03,285 Right here! 54 00:06:05,578 --> 00:06:08,168 That's $27.50. 55 00:06:08,206 --> 00:06:09,916 I never carry a wallet when I'm working. 56 00:06:09,958 --> 00:06:11,378 Ruins the lines of my suit. 57 00:06:12,085 --> 00:06:14,295 But, how about a crisp high five? 58 00:06:14,671 --> 00:06:15,501 Okay. 59 00:06:15,547 --> 00:06:16,797 Merry Christmas. 60 00:06:18,132 --> 00:06:21,132 And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too, Pool! 61 00:06:24,764 --> 00:06:29,644 Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop 62 00:06:29,686 --> 00:06:31,686 You're packed and you're stacked 'specially in the back 63 00:06:31,729 --> 00:06:34,489 Brother, wanna thank your mother for a butt like that 64 00:06:34,524 --> 00:06:36,944 Can I get some fries with that shake-shake boobie? 65 00:06:36,985 --> 00:06:39,195 If looks could kill you would be an uzi 66 00:06:39,237 --> 00:06:40,697 You're a shotgun - bang! 67 00:06:42,448 --> 00:06:45,788 Oh, hello. I know, right? 68 00:06:45,827 --> 00:06:49,537 Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? 69 00:06:49,581 --> 00:06:53,161 I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Polverine." 70 00:06:53,418 --> 00:06:58,968 And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. 71 00:06:59,007 --> 00:07:03,217 Anyway, I got places to be, a face to fix and... 72 00:07:03,261 --> 00:07:05,931 Bad guys to kill. 73 00:07:11,352 --> 00:07:12,602 Maximum effort. 74 00:07:22,614 --> 00:07:23,444 Cock shot. 75 00:07:31,247 --> 00:07:33,337 Rich Corinthian leather. 76 00:07:35,293 --> 00:07:37,123 I'm looking for Francis! 77 00:07:37,670 --> 00:07:38,960 Have you seen this man? 78 00:07:49,307 --> 00:07:50,227 Yanky, yanky! 79 00:08:22,924 --> 00:08:25,214 I've never said this, but don't swallow. 80 00:08:46,573 --> 00:08:48,073 Shit. 81 00:08:48,700 --> 00:08:50,710 Did I leave the stove on? 82 00:09:08,219 --> 00:09:09,559 Now, breaking news. 83 00:09:09,929 --> 00:09:13,479 A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. 84 00:09:13,892 --> 00:09:15,762 Gridlock has kept police from the scene. 85 00:09:16,227 --> 00:09:18,727 Residents are advised to remain in their homes. 86 00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:21,851 The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing... 87 00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:23,320 -a red suit. -A red suit. 88 00:09:23,985 --> 00:09:25,235 Deadpool. 89 00:09:25,278 --> 00:09:27,988 Negasonic! Come, we have mission. 90 00:09:28,907 --> 00:09:31,367 Colossus, wait up. 91 00:09:31,409 --> 00:09:34,789 I've given Deadpool every chance to join us... 92 00:09:34,829 --> 00:09:37,039 but he'd rather act like a child. 93 00:09:37,081 --> 00:09:39,581 A heavily-armed child. 94 00:09:39,626 --> 00:09:43,376 When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man? 95 00:09:43,421 --> 00:09:45,251 Which benefits? The matching unitards? 96 00:09:45,590 --> 00:09:47,470 The house that blows up every few years? 97 00:09:47,508 --> 00:09:48,558 Please. 98 00:09:48,593 --> 00:09:50,923 House blowing up builds character. 99 00:09:51,429 --> 00:09:53,309 You ate breakfast, yes? 100 00:09:53,348 --> 00:09:55,598 Breakfast is most important meal of day. 101 00:09:56,517 --> 00:10:00,817 Here, protein bar. Good for bones. 102 00:10:00,855 --> 00:10:03,195 Deadpool may try to break yours. 103 00:10:11,866 --> 00:10:12,996 Get out of the way! 104 00:10:30,552 --> 00:10:32,012 Hey! 105 00:10:43,189 --> 00:10:44,489 Wait! 106 00:10:44,816 --> 00:10:46,946 You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" 107 00:10:46,985 --> 00:10:48,905 Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. 108 00:10:49,946 --> 00:10:51,156 This guy's got the right idea. 109 00:10:51,489 --> 00:10:52,829 He wore the brown pants. 110 00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,954 Fine! I only have 12 bullets... 111 00:10:56,995 --> 00:10:58,665 so you're gonna have to share! 112 00:10:58,705 --> 00:11:00,495 Let's count them down. 113 00:11:19,851 --> 00:11:20,971 Shit. 114 00:11:24,022 --> 00:11:25,732 Motherfucker! 115 00:11:27,025 --> 00:11:28,155 10! Shit! 116 00:11:28,818 --> 00:11:29,738 Nine. Fuck. 117 00:11:30,194 --> 00:11:30,824 Eight. 118 00:11:31,404 --> 00:11:32,364 Shit-fuck! 119 00:11:36,159 --> 00:11:37,369 Bad Deadpool. 120 00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,998 Seven. Good Deadpool. 121 00:12:03,269 --> 00:12:05,779 Someone's not counting. Six. 122 00:12:32,382 --> 00:12:33,592 Four. 123 00:12:35,927 --> 00:12:36,967 Gotcha. 124 00:12:38,721 --> 00:12:39,971 Right up Main Street. 125 00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:45,180 Three, two! 126 00:12:45,228 --> 00:12:47,108 Stupid! Worth it. 127 00:13:13,464 --> 00:13:15,424 I'm touching myself tonight. 128 00:13:16,259 --> 00:13:17,349 Francis! 129 00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:18,960 Francis... 130 00:13:20,972 --> 00:13:23,222 What the shit-biscuit! 131 00:13:23,266 --> 00:13:24,976 Where you at, Francis? 132 00:13:33,902 --> 00:13:34,942 You're not Francis. 133 00:13:42,994 --> 00:13:45,414 Really? Rolling up the sleeves? 134 00:13:55,798 --> 00:13:59,098 You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie... 135 00:13:59,135 --> 00:14:02,935 "but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" 136 00:14:03,181 --> 00:14:07,511 Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. 137 00:14:07,852 --> 00:14:10,062 And, yeah, technically, this is a murder. 138 00:14:10,104 --> 00:14:12,394 But some of the best love stories start with a murder. 139 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,480 And that's exactly what this is. A love story. 140 00:14:15,526 --> 00:14:16,946 And to tell it right... 141 00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:21,786 I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex. 142 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:27,837 Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? I didn't order the pizza. 143 00:14:27,872 --> 00:14:31,662 Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant? 144 00:14:31,709 --> 00:14:34,839 Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie! 145 00:14:35,213 --> 00:14:36,333 Then who placed the call? 146 00:14:36,965 --> 00:14:38,215 I did! 147 00:14:40,552 --> 00:14:41,962 Pineapple and olive? 148 00:14:42,512 --> 00:14:45,432 Sweet and salty. 149 00:14:45,473 --> 00:14:48,603 The fuck are you? The fuck you doing in my crib... 150 00:14:48,643 --> 00:14:49,563 Is it burnt crust? 151 00:14:49,894 --> 00:14:51,184 God, I hope not. 152 00:14:51,813 --> 00:14:53,683 Man, look, if this is about that poker game. 153 00:14:53,731 --> 00:14:56,021 I told Howie, I told him that... 154 00:14:56,067 --> 00:15:00,027 Okay, look, just take whatever you want. 155 00:15:00,071 --> 00:15:01,151 Thanks. 156 00:15:02,073 --> 00:15:04,703 Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip? 157 00:15:06,244 --> 00:15:08,124 Jeremy, is it? 158 00:15:08,162 --> 00:15:09,582 Wade. Wade Wilson. 159 00:15:10,707 --> 00:15:13,707 That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer. 160 00:15:13,751 --> 00:15:15,211 I'm not here for him. 161 00:15:15,587 --> 00:15:17,177 I'm here for you. 162 00:15:18,715 --> 00:15:20,715 Okay, wow, dodged a big-time bullet on that one. 163 00:15:20,758 --> 00:15:22,678 Not out of the woods yet. 164 00:15:23,261 --> 00:15:25,631 You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. 165 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,650 They're jeans, not a chandelier. 166 00:15:27,682 --> 00:15:29,972 P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me. 167 00:15:30,018 --> 00:15:31,818 Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card... 168 00:15:31,853 --> 00:15:34,103 I will shoot your fucking cat! 169 00:15:34,939 --> 00:15:37,359 I don't really know what that means. I don't have a cat. 170 00:15:37,692 --> 00:15:39,442 Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? 171 00:15:43,573 --> 00:15:45,743 Anyhoo, tell me something... 172 00:15:45,783 --> 00:15:49,533 what situation isn't improved by pizza? 173 00:15:49,579 --> 00:15:51,919 Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky? 174 00:15:51,956 --> 00:15:53,586 Getting that right? Orflosky? 175 00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:55,915 Orlovsky? Yeah? Good. 176 00:15:57,128 --> 00:15:58,428 Because she knows you. 177 00:15:58,463 --> 00:16:02,923 Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. 178 00:16:02,967 --> 00:16:05,887 And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her... 179 00:16:05,929 --> 00:16:07,229 I got a soft spot. 180 00:16:07,805 --> 00:16:09,765 -But I'm a... -A stalker. 181 00:16:10,225 --> 00:16:11,855 Threats hurt, Jer. 182 00:16:11,893 --> 00:16:15,353 Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. 183 00:16:15,396 --> 00:16:18,606 So keep away from Meghan. 184 00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:19,570 Cool? 185 00:16:19,609 --> 00:16:20,869 Yes, sir. 186 00:16:20,902 --> 00:16:21,652 Then we're done. 187 00:16:22,153 --> 00:16:24,283 Wait. We are? 188 00:16:24,322 --> 00:16:25,992 Yeah. We're totally done. 189 00:16:26,658 --> 00:16:28,118 You should’ve seen your face. 190 00:16:28,159 --> 00:16:29,459 I didn't know what to do. I was so scared. 191 00:16:29,744 --> 00:16:30,824 Soft spot, remember? 192 00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:34,420 You even look in her general direction again... 193 00:16:34,457 --> 00:16:38,167 and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots too. 194 00:16:40,171 --> 00:16:41,501 That came out wrong. 195 00:16:42,674 --> 00:16:43,844 Or did it? 196 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:58,026 Meghan? 197 00:17:01,192 --> 00:17:02,692 You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry. 198 00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:05,368 No friggin' way. 199 00:17:10,201 --> 00:17:12,821 Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. 200 00:17:13,121 --> 00:17:16,411 And that's why we do it. But mostly the money. 201 00:17:16,457 --> 00:17:18,337 Hey, think you could fuck up my step-dad? 202 00:17:18,376 --> 00:17:21,046 I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it. 203 00:17:21,713 --> 00:17:23,003 Hey, wait! 204 00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:25,802 You're my hero. 205 00:17:25,842 --> 00:17:28,342 No-no-no-no. That I ain't! 206 00:17:30,221 --> 00:17:32,511 Nope. Never will be. 207 00:17:33,141 --> 00:17:34,391 Fuck you, Wade. 208 00:17:34,726 --> 00:17:38,226 I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. 209 00:17:39,689 --> 00:17:41,279 Welcome to Sister Margaret's. 210 00:17:41,566 --> 00:17:43,656 It's like a job fair for mercenaries. 211 00:17:44,319 --> 00:17:46,369 Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies... 212 00:17:46,404 --> 00:17:49,114 except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. 213 00:17:49,157 --> 00:17:52,207 You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card. 214 00:17:52,243 --> 00:17:54,073 Buck! Liefeld... 215 00:17:54,412 --> 00:17:55,372 Hey, Wade! 216 00:17:55,747 --> 00:17:58,377 Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful. What can I do for you? 217 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:00,167 I'd love a Blow Job. 218 00:18:00,418 --> 00:18:01,718 Oh, God, me too. 219 00:18:01,753 --> 00:18:03,753 The drink, moose knuckle. But first... 220 00:18:05,423 --> 00:18:07,463 Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting money, all right? 221 00:18:07,508 --> 00:18:09,348 Make sure that gets back to Ms... 222 00:18:09,385 --> 00:18:10,385 Orlovsky. 223 00:18:10,428 --> 00:18:11,388 Yeah, her. 224 00:18:11,429 --> 00:18:12,689 You sure? 225 00:18:12,931 --> 00:18:15,391 You know, for a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded. 226 00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:17,353 I bet you let the kid off easy, too. 227 00:18:17,393 --> 00:18:19,313 He's not a bad kid, Weas. 228 00:18:19,354 --> 00:18:20,734 Just a little light stalking. 229 00:18:20,772 --> 00:18:22,232 I was way worse than him when I was his age. 230 00:18:22,273 --> 00:18:24,193 I was traveling to exotic places... 231 00:18:24,234 --> 00:18:28,234 Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then... 232 00:18:28,696 --> 00:18:30,576 Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your Instagram. 233 00:18:30,949 --> 00:18:33,329 So what was Special Forces doing in Jacksonville, anyway? 234 00:18:33,368 --> 00:18:34,918 That's classified. 235 00:18:34,953 --> 00:18:37,243 They have a wonderful TGI Fridays. 236 00:18:37,288 --> 00:18:39,588 All right, Kahlua, Baileys and... 237 00:18:39,624 --> 00:18:40,914 whipped cream. 238 00:18:40,959 --> 00:18:43,049 I give you a Blow Job. 239 00:18:43,544 --> 00:18:44,924 Why do you make me make that? 240 00:18:44,963 --> 00:18:46,753 Kelly, Kelly, Kelly... 241 00:18:46,798 --> 00:18:50,258 Take that over to Buck, please, and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay. 242 00:18:50,301 --> 00:18:52,591 Remind me what good will come of this? 243 00:18:52,637 --> 00:18:54,687 I don't take the shits. I just disturb them. 244 00:18:54,722 --> 00:18:55,262 Boothe! 245 00:18:56,099 --> 00:18:57,269 -Easy, man. -Hold up! Hold up! 246 00:18:57,308 --> 00:18:58,308 What you want? 247 00:19:01,145 --> 00:19:03,435 -Cheers. To your health. -Fuck you. 248 00:19:03,940 --> 00:19:06,110 Come here, you fat fuck! 249 00:19:06,150 --> 00:19:07,610 That's a new stool. 250 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:13,940 Stay the fuck down. 251 00:19:16,619 --> 00:19:18,289 Whoa! Took his ass out! 252 00:19:18,329 --> 00:19:20,249 All right, move. Move, move, move. 253 00:19:20,290 --> 00:19:21,340 Buck, go rest. 254 00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:23,957 Boothe got hit then went down. 255 00:19:27,755 --> 00:19:30,425 Yeah, he's still breathing. 256 00:19:33,094 --> 00:19:34,634 Nobody wins today. 257 00:19:34,679 --> 00:19:36,309 Nice try, Wade. 258 00:19:36,347 --> 00:19:39,977 You got me. I picked Boothe in the dead pool. Who did you pick? 259 00:19:40,018 --> 00:19:41,978 Yeah, Wade, about that... 260 00:19:42,478 --> 00:19:43,278 No. 261 00:19:43,688 --> 00:19:45,528 You did not bet on me to die. 262 00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:51,941 You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. 263 00:19:52,363 --> 00:19:54,653 Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. 264 00:19:54,699 --> 00:19:56,959 And then dying. Like the city of Detroit. 265 00:19:56,993 --> 00:19:59,823 I'm sorry. I just... I wanted to win money. 266 00:19:59,871 --> 00:20:01,161 I never win anything. 267 00:20:01,205 --> 00:20:02,335 Whatever. 268 00:20:02,373 --> 00:20:03,953 Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me! 269 00:20:06,377 --> 00:20:08,297 Domestic, nothing imported. 270 00:20:12,342 --> 00:20:16,222 Baby, are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad? 271 00:20:18,514 --> 00:20:19,514 Tight. 272 00:20:21,184 --> 00:20:23,144 -Vanessa. -Wade. 273 00:20:23,478 --> 00:20:25,648 What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this? 274 00:20:27,023 --> 00:20:28,273 I'd hit that. 275 00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:31,367 Buck, you best apologize before... 276 00:20:32,111 --> 00:20:33,901 Yeah, that. 277 00:20:33,947 --> 00:20:35,617 Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf. 278 00:20:35,657 --> 00:20:37,537 -I'm sorry. -Breathe through the nose. 279 00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:39,745 I don't have a filter between my brain and my... 280 00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:41,036 Let go. Okay. Hey... 281 00:20:41,788 --> 00:20:44,298 -Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry. -I'm working on it. 282 00:20:44,332 --> 00:20:46,292 Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell. 283 00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:49,296 Hey. Hands off the merchandise. 284 00:20:50,838 --> 00:20:51,888 Merchandise? 285 00:20:52,382 --> 00:20:54,842 So you... 286 00:20:54,884 --> 00:20:56,304 bump fuzzies for money? 287 00:20:56,344 --> 00:20:57,094 Yep. 288 00:20:57,136 --> 00:20:58,386 Rough childhood? 289 00:20:58,429 --> 00:20:59,479 Rougher than yours. 290 00:20:59,514 --> 00:21:01,094 Daddy left before I was born. 291 00:21:01,724 --> 00:21:03,264 Daddy left before I was conceived. 292 00:21:04,477 --> 00:21:05,817 Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin? 293 00:21:06,187 --> 00:21:07,527 Where else do you put one out? 294 00:21:07,564 --> 00:21:08,854 I was molested. 295 00:21:08,898 --> 00:21:10,608 Me too. Uncle. 296 00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:12,950 Uncles. They took turns. 297 00:21:13,236 --> 00:21:15,866 I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet... 298 00:21:15,905 --> 00:21:17,285 which also happens to be my... 299 00:21:17,323 --> 00:21:20,153 Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box. 300 00:21:20,994 --> 00:21:22,284 You had a dishwasher. 301 00:21:22,745 --> 00:21:23,915 I didn't even know sleep. 302 00:21:23,955 --> 00:21:27,205 It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn. 303 00:21:31,254 --> 00:21:32,504 Who would do such a thing? 304 00:21:34,173 --> 00:21:37,633 Hopefully you, later tonight? 305 00:21:40,471 --> 00:21:45,391 Hey, what can I get for $275 and a... 306 00:21:46,603 --> 00:21:48,313 a Yogurtland rewards card? 307 00:21:48,354 --> 00:21:50,984 Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. 308 00:21:52,442 --> 00:21:54,192 And a low-fat dessert. 309 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,490 Did she just put a gift card in your mouth? 310 00:22:04,829 --> 00:22:06,959 It's time to put balls in holes. 311 00:22:07,999 --> 00:22:09,509 You said whatever I want. 312 00:22:10,335 --> 00:22:11,215 I get it. 313 00:22:11,628 --> 00:22:13,178 You love skee ball. 314 00:22:13,213 --> 00:22:15,503 Apparently more than you love vagina. 315 00:22:15,548 --> 00:22:17,008 That's a tough call. 316 00:22:17,884 --> 00:22:20,174 I just wanna get to know the real you, you know. 317 00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:24,060 Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood. 318 00:22:24,474 --> 00:22:25,184 Balls in holes. 319 00:22:26,351 --> 00:22:27,301 Balls in holes. 320 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:28,970 Prepare to lose tragically. 321 00:22:29,020 --> 00:22:30,150 Bring it, big man. 322 00:22:30,188 --> 00:22:31,188 Okay. 323 00:22:37,528 --> 00:22:41,908 The limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor. 324 00:22:42,367 --> 00:22:44,867 Okay. Here we go. 325 00:22:45,828 --> 00:22:47,958 Had my eye on this sucker for a while. 326 00:22:47,997 --> 00:22:49,837 And I will take the pencil eraser. 327 00:22:49,874 --> 00:22:51,294 Okay. 328 00:22:51,334 --> 00:22:54,124 You are now the protector of the planet Arus. 329 00:22:54,170 --> 00:22:56,130 And you can erase stuff... 330 00:22:56,172 --> 00:22:57,502 written in pencil. 331 00:22:57,882 --> 00:22:59,302 M'lady? 332 00:22:59,342 --> 00:23:00,672 Well, I hate to break it to you... 333 00:23:00,718 --> 00:23:02,558 but your 48 minutes are up. 334 00:23:03,054 --> 00:23:05,844 Hey, how many more minutes can I get for this? 335 00:23:05,890 --> 00:23:10,390 FYI, five mini lion-bots come together to form one super-bot, so... 336 00:23:10,728 --> 00:23:13,858 Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes. 337 00:23:13,898 --> 00:23:14,858 Deal. 338 00:23:14,899 --> 00:23:17,199 What do we do with the remaining two minutes, 37 seconds? 339 00:23:18,278 --> 00:23:19,078 Cuddle? 340 00:23:23,408 --> 00:23:24,908 How long can you keep this up? 341 00:23:25,368 --> 00:23:26,208 All year? 342 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,760 Happy Valentine's Day. 343 00:23:46,389 --> 00:23:48,019 Happy Chinese New Year. 344 00:23:48,057 --> 00:23:49,397 Year of the Dog. 345 00:23:54,606 --> 00:23:55,776 Relax. 346 00:23:56,357 --> 00:23:58,447 And Happy International Women's Day. 347 00:24:03,364 --> 00:24:06,114 No. No. No. 348 00:24:08,453 --> 00:24:09,623 Happy Lent. 349 00:24:14,876 --> 00:24:16,166 -Wade? -Sorry. 350 00:24:16,210 --> 00:24:17,540 Happy Halloween. 351 00:24:17,921 --> 00:24:18,791 Happy Halloween. 352 00:24:28,556 --> 00:24:30,266 Happy Thanksgiving. 353 00:24:32,268 --> 00:24:33,478 I love you. 354 00:24:37,273 --> 00:24:39,353 If your left leg is Thanksgiving... 355 00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:41,060 and your right leg is Christmas... 356 00:24:42,403 --> 00:24:43,903 can I visit you between the holidays? 357 00:24:45,823 --> 00:24:47,653 That sweater is terrible. 358 00:24:48,660 --> 00:24:50,370 But red looks good on you. 359 00:24:50,411 --> 00:24:51,531 Red's your color. 360 00:24:51,579 --> 00:24:53,339 Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes. 361 00:24:54,249 --> 00:24:55,459 Listen, I've been thinking... 362 00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:56,340 Really? 363 00:24:57,168 --> 00:24:58,838 ...about why we're so good together. 364 00:24:59,254 --> 00:25:00,334 Why's that? 365 00:25:02,340 --> 00:25:04,850 Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time. 366 00:25:07,095 --> 00:25:09,975 And, we're like two jigsaw pieces, you know, the weird curvy edges... 367 00:25:10,348 --> 00:25:12,768 You put them together and you can see the picture on top. 368 00:25:13,768 --> 00:25:14,648 Right. 369 00:25:15,270 --> 00:25:16,360 Wade... 370 00:25:17,021 --> 00:25:19,601 there's something I've been meaning to ask you. 371 00:25:19,649 --> 00:25:22,159 But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me. 372 00:25:24,279 --> 00:25:25,329 Will you... 373 00:25:26,531 --> 00:25:28,441 -stick it in my... -Marry me? 374 00:25:31,452 --> 00:25:32,452 Jinx? 375 00:25:34,330 --> 00:25:35,490 Where were you hiding that? 376 00:25:35,540 --> 00:25:36,550 Nowhere. 377 00:25:37,625 --> 00:25:39,295 They say one month's salary. So... 378 00:25:39,335 --> 00:25:40,335 You mean? 379 00:25:40,378 --> 00:25:41,508 I do. 380 00:25:41,546 --> 00:25:42,546 That's my line. 381 00:25:45,884 --> 00:25:47,514 I love you, Wade Wilson. 382 00:25:48,344 --> 00:25:49,674 You're supposed to... So that's a... 383 00:25:49,721 --> 00:25:50,551 Yes! 384 00:25:51,973 --> 00:25:53,053 Yes! 385 00:25:55,184 --> 00:25:56,644 I feel just like a little girl. 386 00:26:01,983 --> 00:26:04,313 What if I just held on and never let go? 387 00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:06,900 Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke. 388 00:26:07,906 --> 00:26:09,406 Star Wars jokes. 389 00:26:09,866 --> 00:26:11,076 Empire. 390 00:26:12,535 --> 00:26:15,745 Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer. 391 00:26:20,084 --> 00:26:21,084 Hey. 392 00:26:22,170 --> 00:26:23,180 Perfect. 393 00:26:27,342 --> 00:26:28,842 -Let's see. -All right, wee break. 394 00:26:28,885 --> 00:26:30,175 Shake it, yeah. 395 00:26:36,434 --> 00:26:37,564 Here's the thing. 396 00:26:37,936 --> 00:26:39,896 Life is an endless series of train-wrecks... 397 00:26:39,938 --> 00:26:43,448 with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness. 398 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,110 This had been the ultimate commercial break. 399 00:26:49,572 --> 00:26:52,822 Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled program. 400 00:26:52,867 --> 00:26:53,617 What the... 401 00:26:54,744 --> 00:26:55,874 Oh, my God. Wade? 402 00:27:02,168 --> 00:27:03,418 You're clowning. 403 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:05,300 You're not clowning? 404 00:27:05,713 --> 00:27:06,713 I sense clowns. 405 00:27:07,131 --> 00:27:10,631 People react to news of late-stage cancer differently. 406 00:27:10,677 --> 00:27:15,227 There are certainly options we can look into. New drugs are being developed every day. 407 00:27:19,769 --> 00:27:20,899 So what do we do? 408 00:27:21,521 --> 00:27:23,731 Surely there is something we can do. 409 00:27:24,899 --> 00:27:27,529 My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer... 410 00:27:27,569 --> 00:27:30,119 and there were all these new experimental drugs from Germany. 411 00:27:30,154 --> 00:27:34,404 Vanessa's already working on Plan A, B, all the way through Z. 412 00:27:34,701 --> 00:27:38,241 Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. 413 00:27:38,913 --> 00:27:41,293 Like it's the first time I'm seeing it. 414 00:27:41,666 --> 00:27:42,506 Or the last. 415 00:27:42,542 --> 00:27:44,042 Mr. Wilson... 416 00:27:44,085 --> 00:27:45,505 Mr. Wilson? 417 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,210 Take your time to process this. 418 00:27:49,257 --> 00:27:51,177 It's important not to do anything rash. 419 00:28:02,729 --> 00:28:07,989 Now, if I were a 200-pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide? 420 00:28:33,468 --> 00:28:37,848 A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson... 421 00:28:37,889 --> 00:28:41,359 out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. 422 00:28:43,019 --> 00:28:44,689 His form looks good. 423 00:28:46,814 --> 00:28:50,604 And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. 424 00:28:51,194 --> 00:28:53,524 Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing... 425 00:28:53,571 --> 00:28:55,821 is sweet dick-kicking revenge. 426 00:28:56,866 --> 00:28:58,326 Giving him the business. 427 00:28:58,910 --> 00:28:59,830 Incoming! 428 00:29:00,954 --> 00:29:04,704 This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct to a whole new level! 429 00:29:10,046 --> 00:29:13,716 Looking good, Francis. Well rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. 430 00:29:14,300 --> 00:29:16,260 Ringing any bells? No? 431 00:29:21,224 --> 00:29:22,474 How about now? 432 00:29:26,479 --> 00:29:28,649 Wade fucking Wilson. 433 00:29:31,150 --> 00:29:32,440 Well, hello, gorgeous. 434 00:29:32,485 --> 00:29:35,485 Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar-Pei. 435 00:29:35,530 --> 00:29:38,700 Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? 436 00:29:38,741 --> 00:29:40,781 Yeah, time to undo what you did to this butterface. 437 00:29:40,827 --> 00:29:43,827 Please, you should thank me. Apparently, I made you immortal. 438 00:29:44,163 --> 00:29:45,793 I'm actually quite jealous. 439 00:29:45,832 --> 00:29:48,082 Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? 440 00:29:50,169 --> 00:29:54,299 Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s. 441 00:29:56,718 --> 00:29:57,468 Dad? 442 00:30:01,097 --> 00:30:05,517 I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way. 443 00:30:06,561 --> 00:30:08,521 Well, maybe not the most. 444 00:30:10,106 --> 00:30:12,776 This is my most prized possession. 445 00:30:13,443 --> 00:30:14,403 Wham? 446 00:30:14,444 --> 00:30:16,274 No, no, no. Wham! 447 00:30:16,863 --> 00:30:20,283 Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point. 448 00:30:21,326 --> 00:30:24,246 So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door? 449 00:30:24,287 --> 00:30:25,877 Think of it like spring cleaning. 450 00:30:25,914 --> 00:30:27,204 Only if spring was death. 451 00:30:27,248 --> 00:30:31,218 God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters. 452 00:30:32,253 --> 00:30:33,713 Sounds like you do. 453 00:30:34,547 --> 00:30:38,507 Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. 454 00:30:38,551 --> 00:30:39,341 Drink. 455 00:30:39,761 --> 00:30:42,511 You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. 456 00:30:42,555 --> 00:30:43,685 All things I can live without. 457 00:30:46,017 --> 00:30:48,017 You belong here at home. 458 00:30:48,061 --> 00:30:51,681 Surrounded by your Voltron and your Bernadette, and your me. 459 00:30:53,024 --> 00:30:56,484 Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. 460 00:30:58,154 --> 00:31:04,414 Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the- Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show. 461 00:31:05,161 --> 00:31:09,701 And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. 462 00:31:11,084 --> 00:31:12,714 I want you to remember me. 463 00:31:14,254 --> 00:31:16,084 Not the ghost of Christmas me. 464 00:31:16,130 --> 00:31:17,920 Well, I wanna remember us. 465 00:31:18,383 --> 00:31:20,053 I swear to God, I will find you in the next life... 466 00:31:20,093 --> 00:31:23,263 and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper outside your window. 467 00:31:23,304 --> 00:31:24,724 Wham! 468 00:31:28,101 --> 00:31:31,101 No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? 469 00:31:33,690 --> 00:31:35,070 We can fight this. 470 00:31:38,236 --> 00:31:40,406 Besides, I just realized something. 471 00:31:41,239 --> 00:31:46,369 You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine. 472 00:31:50,790 --> 00:31:51,790 I love you. 473 00:32:03,469 --> 00:32:04,599 Wade. 474 00:32:06,806 --> 00:32:08,016 Weas. 475 00:32:08,057 --> 00:32:10,607 You look like you need a Blow Job and a shower. 476 00:32:10,643 --> 00:32:12,773 Though courtesy calls for the latter first. 477 00:32:12,812 --> 00:32:14,482 How about three shots of Patrón? 478 00:32:14,522 --> 00:32:18,272 Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass. 479 00:32:18,318 --> 00:32:19,698 Excellent for the immune system. 480 00:32:19,736 --> 00:32:21,826 Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa. 481 00:32:21,863 --> 00:32:23,033 Here, check it out. 482 00:32:23,072 --> 00:32:26,532 She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. 483 00:32:26,576 --> 00:32:28,326 I'm sure they're all FDA approved. 484 00:32:28,786 --> 00:32:31,746 Chechnya. Isn't that where you go to get cancer? 485 00:32:31,789 --> 00:32:34,549 You got China and Central Mexico. 486 00:32:35,001 --> 00:32:37,251 You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish? 487 00:32:37,295 --> 00:32:38,335 No. 488 00:32:39,005 --> 00:32:40,715 El Cáncer. 489 00:32:40,757 --> 00:32:42,597 I could have guessed that. 490 00:32:42,967 --> 00:32:44,517 Look how happy you look here. 491 00:32:44,552 --> 00:32:48,552 Mind if I keep this? Put it up, so I can remember when you looked alive. 492 00:32:49,057 --> 00:32:51,017 At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool. 493 00:32:51,059 --> 00:32:53,769 Now that you're gonna die tragically of cancer. 494 00:32:53,811 --> 00:32:55,391 I got it, Weas. Thanks. 495 00:32:58,191 --> 00:33:00,861 And that guy over there came in looking for you. 496 00:33:00,902 --> 00:33:03,772 Real Grim Reaper type. 497 00:33:03,821 --> 00:33:05,781 I don't know. Might further the plot. 498 00:33:09,786 --> 00:33:10,876 Boothe. 499 00:33:10,912 --> 00:33:11,992 Wade. 500 00:33:17,377 --> 00:33:18,297 Mr. Wilson. 501 00:33:18,795 --> 00:33:19,965 How can I help you? 502 00:33:20,004 --> 00:33:22,714 Besides luring children into a panel van. 503 00:33:22,757 --> 00:33:26,427 I understand you've recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. 504 00:33:26,469 --> 00:33:27,599 Stalker alert. 505 00:33:27,637 --> 00:33:29,807 It's my job. Recruitment. 506 00:33:30,557 --> 00:33:32,977 I'm sorry you've had such a tough go. 507 00:33:34,102 --> 00:33:36,392 But you're a fighter. Special Forces. 508 00:33:36,437 --> 00:33:38,777 41 confirmed kills. 509 00:33:39,315 --> 00:33:40,735 One every seven weeks. 510 00:33:40,775 --> 00:33:42,655 Same rate most folks get a haircut. 511 00:33:43,820 --> 00:33:45,080 It's to wash the taste out. 512 00:33:45,363 --> 00:33:48,573 It's tough to forget being so impressive. 513 00:33:48,616 --> 00:33:52,706 And now you spend your days sticking up for the little people... 514 00:33:52,745 --> 00:33:54,285 People change. What do you want? 515 00:33:54,664 --> 00:33:57,704 I represent an organization that may be able to help. 516 00:33:59,669 --> 00:34:03,339 What if I told you we can cure your cancer? 517 00:34:03,965 --> 00:34:08,055 And what's more, give you abilities most men only dream of? 518 00:34:11,723 --> 00:34:15,813 I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. 519 00:34:15,852 --> 00:34:17,472 More Shake Weight-y. 520 00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:20,520 The world needs extraordinary soldiers. 521 00:34:20,565 --> 00:34:22,735 We won't just make you better. 522 00:34:22,775 --> 00:34:25,735 We will make you better than better. 523 00:34:26,779 --> 00:34:28,039 A superhero. 524 00:34:28,364 --> 00:34:33,364 Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark. 525 00:34:33,828 --> 00:34:36,458 But if I ever hit "fuck it," I'll look you up. 526 00:34:38,875 --> 00:34:41,715 Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna... 527 00:34:46,716 --> 00:34:47,926 His drink's on him. 528 00:34:53,598 --> 00:34:55,348 What did he say? 529 00:35:17,997 --> 00:35:19,587 Hey, what's going on? 530 00:35:20,583 --> 00:35:22,083 Hey. Sorry. 531 00:35:23,544 --> 00:35:25,544 I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. 532 00:35:26,422 --> 00:35:29,592 I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. 533 00:35:37,308 --> 00:35:41,528 Hey, they've made three of those movies. 534 00:35:42,522 --> 00:35:45,692 At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent. 535 00:36:00,081 --> 00:36:03,701 The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you... 536 00:36:04,085 --> 00:36:06,965 but what it does to the people you love. 537 00:36:07,255 --> 00:36:09,965 Who knew if this guy could save my life... 538 00:36:10,008 --> 00:36:12,558 but I knew there was only one way that I could save hers. 539 00:36:16,723 --> 00:36:18,973 Isn't that what superheroes do? 540 00:36:31,321 --> 00:36:35,361 Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing. 541 00:36:37,285 --> 00:36:40,245 Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass. 542 00:36:40,288 --> 00:36:41,668 Local dry cleaning discounts. 543 00:36:41,706 --> 00:36:45,756 Lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. 544 00:36:45,793 --> 00:36:48,963 Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets. 545 00:36:49,005 --> 00:36:50,715 You know, I can hear you. 546 00:36:50,757 --> 00:36:53,927 I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to them. 547 00:36:53,968 --> 00:36:55,678 Stay right here. 548 00:36:56,054 --> 00:36:58,134 You've been warned before, Deadpool. 549 00:36:58,431 --> 00:37:02,051 This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. 550 00:37:02,101 --> 00:37:04,311 You will both be coming with us. 551 00:37:04,354 --> 00:37:08,274 Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now! 552 00:37:08,316 --> 00:37:10,156 And you are? 553 00:37:11,778 --> 00:37:13,618 Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 554 00:37:13,655 --> 00:37:17,115 Negasonic Teenage... What the shit? 555 00:37:17,158 --> 00:37:18,908 That's the coolest name ever! 556 00:37:20,453 --> 00:37:23,083 So, what, you're like, his sidekick? 557 00:37:23,122 --> 00:37:24,622 No. Trainee. 558 00:37:24,666 --> 00:37:26,126 Let me guess. 559 00:37:26,167 --> 00:37:28,667 X-Men left you behind on what? Shit detail? 560 00:37:28,711 --> 00:37:29,831 What does that make you? 561 00:37:29,879 --> 00:37:32,299 Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. 562 00:37:32,340 --> 00:37:33,600 Can we trade names? 563 00:37:34,259 --> 00:37:35,259 Can we go? 564 00:37:35,301 --> 00:37:37,671 Look! I'm a teenage girl. 565 00:37:37,720 --> 00:37:39,930 I'd rather be anywhere than here. 566 00:37:39,973 --> 00:37:42,183 I'm all about long sullen silences... 567 00:37:42,225 --> 00:37:45,685 followed by mean comments, followed by more silences. 568 00:37:46,104 --> 00:37:49,484 So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence... 569 00:37:49,524 --> 00:37:52,064 or mean comment? Go on. 570 00:37:53,319 --> 00:37:54,619 You got me in a box here. 571 00:37:55,655 --> 00:37:57,615 We can't allow this, Deadpool. 572 00:37:57,657 --> 00:37:59,117 Please, come quietly. 573 00:37:59,158 --> 00:38:01,458 You big chrome cock-gobbler! 574 00:38:01,494 --> 00:38:02,494 That's not nice. 575 00:38:02,537 --> 00:38:04,037 You're really gonna fuck this up for me? 576 00:38:04,372 --> 00:38:08,792 Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. 577 00:38:08,835 --> 00:38:11,375 He's pure evil. 578 00:38:11,754 --> 00:38:15,044 Besides... nobody's getting hurt. 579 00:38:20,346 --> 00:38:22,646 That guy was already up there when I got here. 580 00:38:22,682 --> 00:38:25,852 Wade, you are better than this. 581 00:38:25,894 --> 00:38:29,394 -Join us. Use your powers for good. -Heads up. 582 00:38:29,439 --> 00:38:30,859 Be a superhero. 583 00:38:30,899 --> 00:38:31,819 Listen! 584 00:38:31,858 --> 00:38:34,198 The day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit-swizzler... 585 00:38:34,569 --> 00:38:37,659 who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland mansion... 586 00:38:37,697 --> 00:38:42,577 of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... 587 00:38:42,619 --> 00:38:44,379 on that day... 588 00:38:44,621 --> 00:38:46,661 I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. 589 00:38:46,706 --> 00:38:49,206 But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. 590 00:38:49,250 --> 00:38:52,000 Either that or slap the bitch outta you! 591 00:38:52,045 --> 00:38:53,295 -Wade... -Hey. 592 00:38:53,338 --> 00:38:54,548 Zip it, Sinéad! 593 00:38:54,589 --> 00:38:55,719 Hey, douche-pool! 594 00:38:55,757 --> 00:38:56,967 And I hope you're watching... 595 00:39:01,721 --> 00:39:03,471 Quite unfortunate. 596 00:39:06,851 --> 00:39:09,101 That does it! 597 00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:14,853 Canada! 598 00:39:16,152 --> 00:39:17,272 That's not good. 599 00:39:17,320 --> 00:39:18,410 Wade, please. 600 00:39:18,446 --> 00:39:19,446 Cock shot! 601 00:39:21,532 --> 00:39:23,072 Your poor wife. 602 00:39:23,117 --> 00:39:24,917 You really should stop. 603 00:39:28,498 --> 00:39:30,878 All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex. 604 00:39:35,547 --> 00:39:37,757 I promise this gets worse for you, big boy! 605 00:39:37,799 --> 00:39:38,969 This is embarrassing. 606 00:39:39,717 --> 00:39:41,517 Please, stay down. 607 00:39:42,637 --> 00:39:45,057 You ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest? 608 00:39:45,098 --> 00:39:46,558 Do you have off switch? 609 00:39:46,599 --> 00:39:49,399 Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch? 610 00:39:49,435 --> 00:39:50,315 Enough! 611 00:40:00,071 --> 00:40:01,941 Let us go talk to the Professor. 612 00:40:02,448 --> 00:40:04,248 McAvoy or Stewart? 613 00:40:04,284 --> 00:40:06,494 These timelines are so confusing. 614 00:40:07,829 --> 00:40:10,499 "Dead or alive, you're coming with me!" 615 00:40:10,540 --> 00:40:12,090 You will recover, Wade. 616 00:40:12,375 --> 00:40:14,005 You always do. 617 00:40:18,506 --> 00:40:21,926 You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert. 618 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:26,850 Oh, my God. 619 00:40:26,890 --> 00:40:27,940 Nasty. 620 00:40:31,060 --> 00:40:33,140 There's the money shot, baby. 621 00:40:33,605 --> 00:40:35,565 Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 622 00:40:46,492 --> 00:40:48,912 Rock, meet bottom. 623 00:40:49,412 --> 00:40:52,412 And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked... 624 00:40:52,665 --> 00:40:56,915 you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision. 625 00:40:56,961 --> 00:41:00,211 The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburgh. 626 00:41:00,256 --> 00:41:03,306 This? Well, this was mine. 627 00:41:03,843 --> 00:41:05,303 Mr. Wilson. 628 00:41:06,679 --> 00:41:11,229 Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. 629 00:41:11,267 --> 00:41:12,977 You finally hit "fuck it." 630 00:41:14,145 --> 00:41:16,145 Just promise you'll do right by me. 631 00:41:16,814 --> 00:41:18,814 So I can do right by someone else. 632 00:41:18,858 --> 00:41:20,028 Of course. 633 00:41:20,777 --> 00:41:22,527 And please don't make the super-suit green. 634 00:41:23,821 --> 00:41:25,321 Or animated. 635 00:41:31,829 --> 00:41:34,879 Move it! Keep moving. 636 00:41:45,510 --> 00:41:47,640 This place seems sanitary. 637 00:41:48,388 --> 00:41:50,638 My first request is warmer hands. 638 00:41:51,182 --> 00:41:54,472 And, Jesus, a warmer table. 639 00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:57,890 We should really come up with a safe word, fellas. 640 00:41:58,231 --> 00:42:00,061 I'm thinking "pork and beans." 641 00:42:04,362 --> 00:42:05,572 Easy. 642 00:42:07,574 --> 00:42:09,864 Aren't you a little strong for a lady? 643 00:42:10,660 --> 00:42:12,040 I'm calling wang. 644 00:42:15,915 --> 00:42:17,165 What's up with the matches? 645 00:42:17,417 --> 00:42:20,167 Oral fixation or just a big Stallone fan? 646 00:42:21,713 --> 00:42:23,003 Patience, Angel. 647 00:42:23,923 --> 00:42:25,673 All in good time. 648 00:42:25,717 --> 00:42:27,637 Are you here for the turndown service, or what? 649 00:42:29,220 --> 00:42:30,470 We have another talker. 650 00:42:30,513 --> 00:42:32,343 I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp. 651 00:42:32,390 --> 00:42:34,550 Shut the fuck up. 652 00:42:37,896 --> 00:42:39,856 Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. 653 00:42:40,815 --> 00:42:42,905 I manage this workshop. 654 00:42:43,985 --> 00:42:47,275 My welcome speech used to be full of euphemisms like... 655 00:42:47,322 --> 00:42:50,952 "This may hurt a little." "This may cause you some discomfort." 656 00:42:50,992 --> 00:42:53,282 But I've grown blunt. 657 00:42:53,328 --> 00:42:55,958 This workshop is not a government-led program. 658 00:42:55,997 --> 00:42:59,667 It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself... 659 00:42:59,709 --> 00:43:03,049 into men of extraordinary abilities. 660 00:43:04,672 --> 00:43:07,922 But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... 661 00:43:08,843 --> 00:43:09,673 Wrong. 662 00:43:10,345 --> 00:43:14,435 I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA. 663 00:43:14,682 --> 00:43:18,602 For it to work we need to subject you to extreme stress. 664 00:43:24,067 --> 00:43:27,367 You've heard that whole "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right? 665 00:43:28,112 --> 00:43:29,532 I'm about to hurt you, Wade. 666 00:43:30,698 --> 00:43:33,248 I was a patient here once myself, you know. 667 00:43:33,785 --> 00:43:36,285 The treatment affects everyone differently. 668 00:43:36,621 --> 00:43:39,451 It made Angel inhumanly strong. 669 00:43:39,791 --> 00:43:43,791 In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. 670 00:43:44,295 --> 00:43:47,255 Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. 671 00:43:48,967 --> 00:43:52,807 And, in fact, I no longer feel anything. 672 00:44:01,312 --> 00:44:04,102 Thanks! Thank you. Thank you. 673 00:44:04,399 --> 00:44:06,159 You have something in your teeth. 674 00:44:07,068 --> 00:44:09,278 Right in the middle there. Just, I don't... 675 00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:12,230 A little nugget of romaine lettuce or something. 676 00:44:14,242 --> 00:44:16,662 It's been bothering me for a long time. 677 00:44:18,121 --> 00:44:19,161 Made you look. 678 00:44:19,455 --> 00:44:22,915 Is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. 679 00:44:22,959 --> 00:44:24,089 What is it really? 680 00:44:24,127 --> 00:44:26,547 Kevin? Bruce? Scott? 681 00:44:26,588 --> 00:44:28,178 Mitch? The Rickster? 682 00:44:28,840 --> 00:44:30,350 Is it Basil Fawlty? 683 00:44:30,675 --> 00:44:32,175 Joke away. 684 00:44:32,635 --> 00:44:35,515 One thing that never survives this place is a sense of humor. 685 00:44:36,014 --> 00:44:37,304 We'll see about that. 686 00:44:37,348 --> 00:44:38,688 I suppose we will. 687 00:44:40,018 --> 00:44:41,608 He's all yours. 688 00:44:41,644 --> 00:44:42,854 Come on. 689 00:44:43,354 --> 00:44:46,484 You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell? 690 00:44:50,862 --> 00:44:52,942 This is how it's going to work. 691 00:44:52,989 --> 00:44:55,999 Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum... 692 00:44:56,618 --> 00:44:59,128 so we're going to have to make you suffer. 693 00:45:00,872 --> 00:45:05,702 If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. 694 00:45:10,006 --> 00:45:12,846 If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you... 695 00:45:14,677 --> 00:45:17,387 in new and different ways, each more painful than the last... 696 00:45:20,058 --> 00:45:22,398 until you finally mutate. 697 00:45:24,020 --> 00:45:25,230 Or die. 698 00:45:32,070 --> 00:45:33,700 You mean like a bucket list? 699 00:45:33,738 --> 00:45:36,038 Like a fuck-it list. 700 00:45:36,074 --> 00:45:38,744 I'd really like to light a spliff off the Olympic torch. 701 00:45:39,327 --> 00:45:41,207 Pass it to me right after. 702 00:45:41,246 --> 00:45:47,206 Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs. 703 00:45:48,253 --> 00:45:51,383 Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity. 704 00:45:51,881 --> 00:45:54,751 Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven. 705 00:45:55,051 --> 00:45:58,171 No. Receiving a Dutch oven from Meredith Baxter-Birney. 706 00:46:02,850 --> 00:46:06,270 Making banana pancakes for my kids. 707 00:46:09,691 --> 00:46:11,731 Vanessa. 708 00:46:15,238 --> 00:46:17,618 I wanna see Vanessa. 709 00:46:17,657 --> 00:46:19,077 You're lovely. 710 00:46:19,117 --> 00:46:22,537 I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched. 711 00:46:22,579 --> 00:46:23,709 We were just joking. 712 00:46:23,746 --> 00:46:26,046 No, no. It's okay. 713 00:46:27,125 --> 00:46:28,795 I encourage distractions. 714 00:46:29,544 --> 00:46:31,924 Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we? 715 00:46:31,963 --> 00:46:33,793 Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. 716 00:46:34,757 --> 00:46:37,137 How tough can he be... 717 00:46:37,176 --> 00:46:40,096 with a name like Francis? 718 00:46:40,680 --> 00:46:41,810 Francis? 719 00:46:42,098 --> 00:46:43,518 That's his legal name. 720 00:46:44,142 --> 00:46:47,602 He got "Ajax" from the dish soap. 721 00:46:49,647 --> 00:46:53,237 F-R-A-N-C-I... 722 00:46:53,735 --> 00:46:55,065 Oops! 723 00:46:56,863 --> 00:46:59,743 Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat. 724 00:47:01,659 --> 00:47:04,079 FYI, I could probably get you the superhero discount. 725 00:47:04,120 --> 00:47:05,530 You are so relentlessly annoying. 726 00:47:05,580 --> 00:47:06,630 Thanks. 727 00:47:06,664 --> 00:47:07,914 Never heard that before. 728 00:47:07,957 --> 00:47:11,217 Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? 729 00:47:11,252 --> 00:47:13,252 Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut. 730 00:47:15,048 --> 00:47:16,798 I wouldn't do that if I were you. 731 00:47:16,841 --> 00:47:20,091 See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture... 732 00:47:20,136 --> 00:47:23,096 is that you can't really step it up from there. 733 00:47:25,725 --> 00:47:28,065 Is that what you think? 734 00:47:33,358 --> 00:47:35,868 If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well... 735 00:47:36,694 --> 00:47:37,984 nothing will. 736 00:47:38,404 --> 00:47:41,404 Now, what we're going to do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air... 737 00:47:41,449 --> 00:47:44,079 to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating. 738 00:47:44,369 --> 00:47:47,539 If your brainwaves slow, meaning you're about to pass out... 739 00:47:48,206 --> 00:47:49,336 then we'll turn up the O2. 740 00:47:50,375 --> 00:47:51,795 If your heart rate slows... 741 00:47:51,834 --> 00:47:54,544 meaning you're able to catch your breath... 742 00:47:54,587 --> 00:47:55,967 we'll turn it back down. 743 00:47:56,589 --> 00:48:00,259 And that's where we'll leave you. Right there. 744 00:48:00,635 --> 00:48:02,925 And I thought you guys were dicks before. 745 00:48:02,971 --> 00:48:05,381 You know the funniest part of this? 746 00:48:06,140 --> 00:48:08,510 You still think we're making you a superhero. 747 00:48:09,352 --> 00:48:12,812 You. A dishonorable discharge. 748 00:48:13,565 --> 00:48:15,605 Hip-deep in hookers. 749 00:48:16,317 --> 00:48:17,947 You're nothing. 750 00:48:18,903 --> 00:48:20,363 Little secret, Wade. 751 00:48:21,197 --> 00:48:25,287 This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. 752 00:48:26,369 --> 00:48:30,129 We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. 753 00:48:30,915 --> 00:48:32,295 Who knows what they'll have you doing? 754 00:48:33,126 --> 00:48:36,586 Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. 755 00:48:38,756 --> 00:48:41,596 Maybe just mow the occasional lawn. 756 00:48:42,093 --> 00:48:44,553 What the fuck is wrong with you? 757 00:48:49,809 --> 00:48:52,649 You're never going home after this. 758 00:48:52,687 --> 00:48:54,897 Now there's a brave face. 759 00:48:55,940 --> 00:48:57,480 Wait, wait! Wait. Wait. 760 00:48:59,819 --> 00:49:03,739 Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now. 761 00:49:05,658 --> 00:49:07,038 Enjoy your weekend. 762 00:49:07,410 --> 00:49:09,120 "Weekend"? Back up. 763 00:49:09,162 --> 00:49:10,372 Weekend? 764 00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:54,170 Did I say this was a love story? 765 00:49:54,207 --> 00:49:56,667 No, it's a horror movie. 766 00:50:13,142 --> 00:50:15,312 Fucking hell. 767 00:50:15,353 --> 00:50:18,603 Looks like someone lost his shot at Homecoming King. 768 00:50:18,648 --> 00:50:20,738 What have you done to me? 769 00:50:20,775 --> 00:50:24,155 I've merely raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation. 770 00:50:24,195 --> 00:50:26,325 You sadistic fuck! 771 00:50:27,031 --> 00:50:28,531 I've cured you, Wade. 772 00:50:29,367 --> 00:50:30,997 Now your mutated cells can heal anything. 773 00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:34,880 It's attacking your cancer as fast as it can form. 774 00:50:36,124 --> 00:50:38,704 Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before. 775 00:50:40,003 --> 00:50:41,043 I could cure them... 776 00:50:44,632 --> 00:50:46,302 but where's the fun in that? 777 00:50:48,636 --> 00:50:51,186 Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade. 778 00:50:52,974 --> 00:50:54,934 Not because I need to. 779 00:50:58,897 --> 00:51:00,607 Because I want to. 780 00:51:15,079 --> 00:51:16,289 Oh, well. 781 00:51:16,331 --> 00:51:17,541 Go ahead. 782 00:51:20,752 --> 00:51:22,582 You smell like shit. 783 00:51:25,882 --> 00:51:26,922 Motherfucker. 784 00:51:27,842 --> 00:51:29,762 It's all right, it's all right. 785 00:51:30,845 --> 00:51:32,595 I think we owe him that one, yeah? 786 00:51:32,847 --> 00:51:35,227 You take off. Go on. 787 00:51:36,017 --> 00:51:37,357 Off you go. 788 00:51:48,363 --> 00:51:49,943 Quick question. 789 00:51:52,242 --> 00:51:54,282 What's my name? 790 00:52:00,041 --> 00:52:01,371 Didn't think so. 791 00:52:03,253 --> 00:52:05,963 Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed. 792 00:54:02,413 --> 00:54:03,873 You don't want to kill me. 793 00:54:03,915 --> 00:54:06,165 I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug. 794 00:55:02,891 --> 00:55:04,471 What's my name? 795 00:55:10,648 --> 00:55:11,818 Wade. 796 00:56:19,175 --> 00:56:22,215 I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer... 797 00:56:23,721 --> 00:56:26,391 I got the cure to el everything. 798 00:56:30,061 --> 00:56:32,311 But there was only one thing... 799 00:56:32,355 --> 00:56:33,985 that really mattered. 800 00:57:03,428 --> 00:57:04,478 Come on, let's go. 801 00:57:09,809 --> 00:57:12,569 Oh, that must hurt. 802 00:57:13,563 --> 00:57:15,023 Thank you so much. 803 00:57:26,951 --> 00:57:29,201 God, he's so fucking gnarly. 804 00:57:29,245 --> 00:57:30,665 Look at his face. 805 00:57:30,705 --> 00:57:33,085 Oh, my God. Poor guy. 806 00:57:33,124 --> 00:57:34,254 Honey, don't stare. 807 00:57:34,292 --> 00:57:35,452 Freak. 808 00:57:55,813 --> 00:57:59,153 No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine. 809 00:57:59,442 --> 00:58:01,982 Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad. 810 00:58:02,028 --> 00:58:03,368 Bullshit! 811 00:58:03,404 --> 00:58:06,654 I'm a monster inside and out. I belong in a fucking circus. 812 00:58:06,699 --> 00:58:09,249 Wade, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't care what you... 813 00:58:11,037 --> 00:58:11,997 Do you like what you see? 814 00:58:12,247 --> 00:58:13,417 No. 815 00:58:13,915 --> 00:58:17,875 You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado. 816 00:58:18,294 --> 00:58:19,084 Yeah. 817 00:58:19,128 --> 00:58:21,218 Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. 818 00:58:21,256 --> 00:58:23,176 There was something wrong with the relationship... 819 00:58:23,216 --> 00:58:26,846 and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence. 820 00:58:26,886 --> 00:58:29,476 And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug... 821 00:58:29,514 --> 00:58:32,224 is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. 822 00:58:32,267 --> 00:58:34,187 And he's gone. Poof! 823 00:58:34,227 --> 00:58:35,937 Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this... 824 00:58:35,979 --> 00:58:39,029 because as of now, you only have one course of action. 825 00:58:39,065 --> 00:58:40,315 Damn straight. 826 00:58:40,358 --> 00:58:42,238 -Find Francis. -Star in horror films. 827 00:58:42,277 --> 00:58:43,237 What? 828 00:58:43,278 --> 00:58:45,488 Star in your own horror films. 829 00:58:45,530 --> 00:58:49,370 Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah. 830 00:58:50,201 --> 00:58:51,951 Here's what I'm actually gonna do. 831 00:58:51,995 --> 00:58:54,665 I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis... 832 00:58:54,706 --> 00:58:57,086 force him to fix this, then put a bullet in his skull... 833 00:58:57,125 --> 00:58:58,795 and fuck the brain hole. 834 00:58:58,835 --> 00:59:01,965 I don't wanna see that or think of it again. 835 00:59:02,005 --> 00:59:04,215 But the douchebag does think you're dead, right? 836 00:59:04,257 --> 00:59:04,967 Yeah. 837 00:59:05,008 --> 00:59:06,888 That's good. You should keep it that way. 838 00:59:06,926 --> 00:59:08,596 What, like, wear a mask? 839 00:59:08,636 --> 00:59:11,596 Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. 840 00:59:12,348 --> 00:59:13,348 I am sorry... 841 00:59:13,391 --> 00:59:16,011 you are haunting. 842 00:59:16,060 --> 00:59:17,970 Your face is the stuff of nightmares. 843 00:59:18,021 --> 00:59:19,391 Like a testicle with teeth. 844 00:59:19,439 --> 00:59:21,199 You will die alone. 845 00:59:21,232 --> 00:59:22,852 I mean, if you could die. 846 00:59:23,484 --> 00:59:25,444 Ideally, for others' sake. 847 00:59:25,486 --> 00:59:26,736 That'll do. 848 00:59:27,030 --> 00:59:28,830 All you need now is a suit and a nickname... 849 00:59:28,865 --> 00:59:30,745 like Wade the Wisecracker... 850 00:59:31,159 --> 00:59:34,289 or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. 851 00:59:35,163 --> 00:59:36,163 Shit. 852 00:59:36,748 --> 00:59:37,838 What? 853 00:59:38,666 --> 00:59:40,666 I put all my money on you and now... 854 00:59:40,710 --> 00:59:42,300 I just realized I'm never gonna win the... 855 00:59:42,337 --> 00:59:43,217 Dead pool. 856 00:59:47,217 --> 00:59:49,517 Captain Deadpool. 857 00:59:51,387 --> 00:59:52,517 No, just... 858 00:59:52,555 --> 00:59:54,305 -Just Deadpool, yeah. -Just Deadpool. 859 00:59:54,349 --> 00:59:56,309 To you, Mr. Pool. 860 00:59:56,601 --> 00:59:59,101 Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise. 861 01:00:13,701 --> 01:00:15,781 This shit's gonna have nuts in it. 862 01:00:16,871 --> 01:00:17,871 Where's Francis? 863 01:00:32,136 --> 01:00:33,806 Where's Francis? 864 01:00:41,980 --> 01:00:43,900 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 865 01:00:45,233 --> 01:00:48,153 Or wear red. Dumbass. 866 01:01:06,880 --> 01:01:08,340 Don't make me ask twice. 867 01:01:09,716 --> 01:01:11,096 Where... 868 01:01:11,134 --> 01:01:13,264 is Francis? 869 01:01:13,845 --> 01:01:15,555 He made me ask twice. 870 01:01:15,597 --> 01:01:17,597 Is the mask muffling my voice? 871 01:01:22,395 --> 01:01:23,855 Where's Francis? 872 01:01:26,482 --> 01:01:28,312 Where the fuck is Francis? 873 01:01:36,993 --> 01:01:40,373 You're about to be killed by a Zamboni. 874 01:01:40,413 --> 01:01:41,623 Where's Francis? 875 01:01:43,041 --> 01:01:44,161 No! Please! 876 01:01:44,792 --> 01:01:48,252 Oh, God! I'm so sorry! 877 01:01:48,796 --> 01:01:51,426 You little spider monkey! 878 01:01:54,510 --> 01:01:57,970 Where... is... Francis? 879 01:01:59,140 --> 01:02:00,390 This is confusing. 880 01:02:00,433 --> 01:02:03,393 Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? 881 01:02:03,436 --> 01:02:05,736 I mean, the line gets real... blurry. 882 01:02:06,105 --> 01:02:08,025 WHERE IS FRANCIS? 883 01:02:09,609 --> 01:02:12,869 Tell me where your fucking boss is or you're gonna die! 884 01:02:13,488 --> 01:02:15,118 In five minutes! 885 01:02:25,250 --> 01:02:27,010 Don't hesitate to call me. 886 01:02:42,642 --> 01:02:44,812 Nice to see you, Jared. 887 01:02:45,979 --> 01:02:47,439 I'll take the footlong... 888 01:02:47,939 --> 01:02:48,779 fully loaded. 889 01:03:04,372 --> 01:03:05,992 41 confirmed kills. 890 01:03:06,040 --> 01:03:08,450 Now it's 89. About to be 90. 891 01:03:09,210 --> 01:03:10,500 Mr. Wilson? 892 01:03:12,297 --> 01:03:14,467 You're looking very alive. 893 01:03:15,300 --> 01:03:16,350 Only on the outside. 894 01:03:17,010 --> 01:03:19,930 -This is not going to end well for me, is it? -This is not gonna end well for you, no. 895 01:03:19,971 --> 01:03:21,131 Where's your boss? 896 01:03:21,180 --> 01:03:22,800 I can tell you exactly... 897 01:03:24,517 --> 01:03:26,397 Oh, you'll tell me, but first... 898 01:03:26,978 --> 01:03:29,278 You might wanna look away for this. 899 01:03:29,314 --> 01:03:30,564 Now this little piggy went to... 900 01:03:32,692 --> 01:03:34,982 Thank you, Agent Smith. 901 01:03:38,573 --> 01:03:39,323 Taxi! 902 01:03:41,075 --> 01:03:43,325 Hop in! Great day for a ride. 903 01:03:45,330 --> 01:03:46,710 And we all know how this turned out. 904 01:03:49,667 --> 01:03:51,877 Whoops! You weren't meant to see that. 905 01:03:59,844 --> 01:04:01,674 There. All caught up. 906 01:04:09,604 --> 01:04:11,524 We're here. 907 01:04:12,440 --> 01:04:15,520 Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage. 908 01:04:21,783 --> 01:04:23,863 Seltzer water and lemon for blood. 909 01:04:26,037 --> 01:04:28,587 Some kinds of anger can't be managed... 910 01:04:28,623 --> 01:04:33,713 like the kind where your year-long plan ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered! 911 01:04:34,379 --> 01:04:38,889 That said, when it comes time to licking wounds, there's no place like home. 912 01:04:39,717 --> 01:04:43,977 And I share that home with someone you've met, the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al. 913 01:04:44,389 --> 01:04:45,939 God, I miss cocaine. 914 01:04:46,558 --> 01:04:47,268 Her. 915 01:04:48,393 --> 01:04:50,973 Fourth-wall break inside a fourth-wall break. 916 01:04:51,229 --> 01:04:53,779 That's like 16 walls. 917 01:04:54,315 --> 01:04:59,735 She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. 918 01:04:59,779 --> 01:05:01,449 And I think she's in love with me. 919 01:05:01,906 --> 01:05:05,286 Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too. 920 01:05:15,295 --> 01:05:16,295 Al? 921 01:05:18,715 --> 01:05:19,965 Morning, sleepyhead. 922 01:05:21,593 --> 01:05:23,763 It smells like old lady pants in here. 923 01:05:23,803 --> 01:05:25,763 Yes, I'm old. I wear pants. 924 01:05:25,805 --> 01:05:27,395 But you're no lady. 925 01:05:28,558 --> 01:05:30,228 So comfy. 926 01:05:30,977 --> 01:05:34,027 Upside of being blind: I've never seen you in Crocs. 927 01:05:34,063 --> 01:05:35,563 You mean my big, rubber masturbating shoes? 928 01:05:35,607 --> 01:05:36,567 Yes, I know. 929 01:05:37,108 --> 01:05:39,778 Downside of being blind... 930 01:05:39,819 --> 01:05:41,989 I hear everything in this duplex. 931 01:05:44,324 --> 01:05:45,574 Sit on a stick. 932 01:05:45,617 --> 01:05:46,617 Bactin? 933 01:05:46,659 --> 01:05:50,749 Yeah. Bactin should do it. 934 01:05:51,956 --> 01:05:55,796 How's that Kullen coming along? IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know. 935 01:05:55,835 --> 01:05:58,795 You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. 936 01:05:58,838 --> 01:06:00,718 It's an improvement on the Hurdal. 937 01:06:01,382 --> 01:06:04,002 Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. 938 01:06:04,052 --> 01:06:07,552 I'd have taken an Hemnes or a Trysil over the Hurdal. 939 01:06:08,681 --> 01:06:10,971 No, I didn't get excited till I saw the Kullen. 940 01:06:11,309 --> 01:06:12,189 Screw, please. 941 01:06:12,227 --> 01:06:13,607 Here? Now? Just kidding. 942 01:06:13,645 --> 01:06:14,855 I know it's been decades. 943 01:06:14,896 --> 01:06:16,026 You'd be surprised. 944 01:06:16,731 --> 01:06:17,811 Pretty grossed out. 945 01:06:19,817 --> 01:06:22,237 Ta... Da. 946 01:06:28,034 --> 01:06:31,164 I wish I never heard of Craigslist. 947 01:06:31,579 --> 01:06:34,209 And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind to life's imperfections. 948 01:06:34,249 --> 01:06:35,379 "Must be good with hands." 949 01:06:35,416 --> 01:06:37,666 Or would you rather I build the IKEA, and you pay rent? 950 01:06:37,710 --> 01:06:39,580 Why such a douche this morning? 951 01:06:40,338 --> 01:06:41,468 Let's recap. 952 01:06:41,506 --> 01:06:43,846 The cock thistle that turned me into this freak... 953 01:06:43,883 --> 01:06:45,503 slipped through my arms today... 954 01:06:47,178 --> 01:06:48,388 Arm. 955 01:06:48,846 --> 01:06:51,976 Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back... 956 01:06:52,016 --> 01:06:54,316 and prevent this shit from happening to someone else. 957 01:06:54,352 --> 01:06:58,102 So, yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. 958 01:07:00,024 --> 01:07:01,564 #driveby. 959 01:07:19,043 --> 01:07:21,043 Found out who our friend in the red suit is. 960 01:07:23,381 --> 01:07:25,251 Fucking Wade Wilson. 961 01:07:26,217 --> 01:07:28,557 Suppose I'd wear a mask, too if I had a face like that. 962 01:07:29,220 --> 01:07:30,760 I only wish I healed the same. 963 01:07:34,726 --> 01:07:37,526 Still, we'll put him out of our misery. 964 01:07:37,562 --> 01:07:38,812 On our terms. 965 01:07:39,230 --> 01:07:40,980 Right. And when he heals? 966 01:07:41,983 --> 01:07:43,103 He can't. 967 01:07:43,151 --> 01:07:45,731 Not if there's nothing left of him to heal. 968 01:07:45,778 --> 01:07:49,748 You know, it's funny. I almost miss the fucker. 969 01:07:51,159 --> 01:07:52,579 I like a challenge. 970 01:07:53,912 --> 01:07:56,082 But he's bad for business. 971 01:07:56,122 --> 01:07:57,832 Now let's go find him. 972 01:08:02,295 --> 01:08:03,715 Tylenol PM? 973 01:08:03,755 --> 01:08:06,255 You can stick that where you stuck the Bactin. 974 01:08:06,674 --> 01:08:09,094 I raided my stash of wisdom tooth Percocet... 975 01:08:09,135 --> 01:08:13,095 and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now. 976 01:08:15,934 --> 01:08:18,014 But I appreciate the gesture. 977 01:08:18,937 --> 01:08:23,397 Am I crazy, or is your hand really small? 978 01:08:23,441 --> 01:08:25,191 About the size of a KFC spork. 979 01:08:27,362 --> 01:08:29,572 I get why you're so pissy... 980 01:08:29,614 --> 01:08:32,614 but your mood's never gonna brighten till you find this woman... 981 01:08:32,659 --> 01:08:34,079 and tell her how you feel. 982 01:08:34,118 --> 01:08:37,498 What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. 983 01:08:37,538 --> 01:08:39,248 If you could see me, you'd understand. 984 01:08:39,290 --> 01:08:40,410 Looks aren't everything. 985 01:08:40,458 --> 01:08:41,588 Looks are everything. 986 01:08:41,626 --> 01:08:43,756 You ever heard David Beckham speak? 987 01:08:43,795 --> 01:08:45,795 It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. 988 01:08:46,214 --> 01:08:49,464 Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his superior acting method? 989 01:08:49,509 --> 01:08:50,929 Love is blind, Wade. 990 01:08:50,969 --> 01:08:51,639 No. 991 01:08:52,971 --> 01:08:54,221 You're blind. 992 01:08:54,889 --> 01:08:57,809 So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper? 993 01:08:57,850 --> 01:08:59,930 No, I'm gonna wait till this arm plows through puberty... 994 01:08:59,978 --> 01:09:01,978 and then I'm gonna come up with a whole new Christmas Day plan. 995 01:09:02,897 --> 01:09:05,567 In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. 996 01:09:06,234 --> 01:09:08,654 I bet it feels huge in this hand. 997 01:09:09,988 --> 01:09:12,698 Go, go, go. 998 01:09:13,241 --> 01:09:16,201 So, the doctor says, "The bad news is you don't have that long to live." 999 01:09:16,244 --> 01:09:17,824 So, the patient says, "How long do I have?" 1000 01:09:17,870 --> 01:09:19,780 The doctor says, "Five." 1001 01:09:19,831 --> 01:09:21,451 The guy says, "Five what?" 1002 01:09:21,499 --> 01:09:25,379 The doctor says, "Four, three, two..." 1003 01:09:32,552 --> 01:09:34,092 Can I help you ladies? 1004 01:09:36,681 --> 01:09:37,841 I do hope so. 1005 01:09:42,061 --> 01:09:46,191 I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a friend of mine. 1006 01:09:46,733 --> 01:09:47,733 Name of Wade Wilson. 1007 01:09:49,277 --> 01:09:50,407 Sorry. 1008 01:09:50,445 --> 01:09:52,025 I don't know the name. 1009 01:09:59,370 --> 01:10:01,700 Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar. 1010 01:10:05,418 --> 01:10:07,338 I've seen this girl. 1011 01:10:07,378 --> 01:10:09,888 This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you. 1012 01:10:14,636 --> 01:10:16,386 Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. 1013 01:10:16,971 --> 01:10:19,551 This isn't really the place to do something like that. 1014 01:10:20,975 --> 01:10:22,725 Easy, Angel. 1015 01:10:22,769 --> 01:10:24,149 Put the little man down. 1016 01:10:25,730 --> 01:10:27,480 We have everything we need now. 1017 01:10:27,899 --> 01:10:28,949 You sure? 1018 01:10:29,651 --> 01:10:32,731 You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic? 1019 01:10:32,779 --> 01:10:35,449 Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II. 1020 01:10:39,118 --> 01:10:40,828 Thanks for having my back, guys. 1021 01:10:45,833 --> 01:10:50,123 Wade, we have a fucking problem. And by "we," I mean "you." 1022 01:10:51,005 --> 01:10:52,675 I can't believe I'm doing this. 1023 01:10:53,174 --> 01:10:56,054 Is there a word for half afraid, half angry? 1024 01:10:56,094 --> 01:10:58,224 Yeah, "afrangry," I guess. 1025 01:10:58,263 --> 01:11:00,053 Have you decided what you're gonna say to her? 1026 01:11:00,098 --> 01:11:01,098 Fuck me! 1027 01:11:01,432 --> 01:11:03,352 Maybe not start with that. 1028 01:11:09,274 --> 01:11:12,564 Hey, coming onto our stage right now... 1029 01:11:12,610 --> 01:11:14,770 give it up for Chastity! 1030 01:11:18,616 --> 01:11:20,956 Or as I like to call her, Irony. 1031 01:11:20,994 --> 01:11:23,124 Better find her fast before numbnuts does. 1032 01:11:23,162 --> 01:11:24,662 How do you know she's in here? 1033 01:11:24,706 --> 01:11:27,836 Because I'm constantly stalking that fox. 1034 01:11:52,817 --> 01:11:56,327 Every time I see her, it's like the first time... 1035 01:11:57,155 --> 01:11:59,325 Especially from this angle. 1036 01:12:22,847 --> 01:12:26,857 You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes. 1037 01:12:29,896 --> 01:12:32,566 You weak motherfucker! 1038 01:12:33,358 --> 01:12:34,358 Come on! 1039 01:12:35,568 --> 01:12:38,868 Come on, get it together. This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa. 1040 01:12:43,034 --> 01:12:44,364 Here we go. 1041 01:12:46,955 --> 01:12:48,535 Maximum effort. 1042 01:12:52,085 --> 01:12:53,215 Vanessa. 1043 01:12:55,713 --> 01:12:59,883 Someone out back asking for you. Something about an old boyfriend. 1044 01:13:27,245 --> 01:13:28,325 I knew it was you. 1045 01:13:30,164 --> 01:13:32,084 The weird, curvy edges. 1046 01:13:33,668 --> 01:13:35,508 Like a jigsaw puzzle. 1047 01:13:45,597 --> 01:13:47,437 You have Wade Wilson to thank for this. 1048 01:13:56,441 --> 01:13:57,981 Hey. Hey! Where'd she go? 1049 01:13:58,943 --> 01:14:01,483 I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger. 1050 01:14:29,515 --> 01:14:31,265 Motherfucker! 1051 01:14:31,309 --> 01:14:33,649 -Wait, wait. Let's... Just... -Cock juggling... 1052 01:14:33,686 --> 01:14:35,606 -We can talk about what we're gonna... -Jiminy! Fuck face! 1053 01:14:35,647 --> 01:14:36,937 Okay, or you can hit that. 1054 01:14:36,981 --> 01:14:38,811 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Fuck! Fuck! 1055 01:14:38,858 --> 01:14:41,528 -No, no. All right. Hey! -Fuck! Fuck! 1056 01:14:41,986 --> 01:14:43,026 -Fuck! -Hey. 1057 01:14:44,072 --> 01:14:46,152 Relax. Relax. Okay. 1058 01:14:46,199 --> 01:14:47,539 Okay. I think that’s a good start. 1059 01:14:47,575 --> 01:14:49,665 I'm gonna rip his motherfucking... 1060 01:14:49,702 --> 01:14:50,702 Wait. 1061 01:14:50,745 --> 01:14:52,245 -Find it! Find it. -What? 1062 01:14:52,288 --> 01:14:53,708 -I'm gonna get angry. -Okay. All right. 1063 01:14:54,123 --> 01:14:55,913 All right. Okay. All right. 1064 01:14:55,959 --> 01:14:57,299 Here. This is Vanessa. 1065 01:14:57,335 --> 01:14:59,375 -What? -No, wait. It's Francis. 1066 01:14:59,420 --> 01:15:01,040 He wants you to come to him. 1067 01:15:01,339 --> 01:15:03,509 -What is that? -That's the shit emoji. 1068 01:15:03,883 --> 01:15:06,013 You know, it's the turd with the smiling face and the eyes? 1069 01:15:06,052 --> 01:15:08,382 I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long. 1070 01:15:09,097 --> 01:15:10,307 I need guns. 1071 01:15:10,348 --> 01:15:11,518 Okay, which ones? 1072 01:15:11,558 --> 01:15:12,688 I need all the guns! 1073 01:15:12,725 --> 01:15:13,935 All right. Okay. 1074 01:15:34,622 --> 01:15:36,082 That's about 3,000 rounds. 1075 01:15:37,041 --> 01:15:39,081 We all know what I can do with 12. 1076 01:15:39,502 --> 01:15:41,712 Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! 1077 01:15:41,754 --> 01:15:42,834 We're downrange. 1078 01:15:44,299 --> 01:15:47,849 I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje, but this is holding my interest. 1079 01:15:49,012 --> 01:15:51,842 I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Börje. 1080 01:15:51,890 --> 01:15:53,900 Get it through your head or get out of fuck town. 1081 01:15:53,933 --> 01:15:56,723 Shit. That's all the pieces in the house. 1082 01:15:56,769 --> 01:15:58,529 Nah. Come on. Let's go. Cough it up. 1083 01:15:58,897 --> 01:16:00,397 Up, up, up. 1084 01:16:01,816 --> 01:16:02,946 Down, down, down. 1085 01:16:02,984 --> 01:16:03,694 Fuck you. 1086 01:16:05,820 --> 01:16:08,530 .45 cal. I like it. 1087 01:16:10,700 --> 01:16:11,960 Wade... 1088 01:16:13,161 --> 01:16:15,871 I'd go with you, but I don't want to. 1089 01:16:20,418 --> 01:16:21,588 Listen, Al... 1090 01:16:22,670 --> 01:16:27,840 if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. 1091 01:16:28,760 --> 01:16:33,890 And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere in the apartment... 1092 01:16:33,932 --> 01:16:36,722 right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck. 1093 01:16:42,232 --> 01:16:43,522 You wanna get fucked up? 1094 01:16:53,618 --> 01:16:55,118 Put her down over here. 1095 01:17:05,338 --> 01:17:06,548 Go on then. 1096 01:17:08,967 --> 01:17:11,557 Thanks, dickless. And I mean you. 1097 01:17:12,011 --> 01:17:15,341 Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade. 1098 01:17:15,390 --> 01:17:18,650 I've been trying to tell you assholes, you've got the wrong girl. 1099 01:17:18,685 --> 01:17:20,225 My old boyfriend, he's dead. 1100 01:17:20,270 --> 01:17:23,940 See, I thought that too. But he keeps on coming back. 1101 01:17:23,982 --> 01:17:25,312 Like a cockroach... 1102 01:17:25,358 --> 01:17:26,658 but uglier. 1103 01:17:27,694 --> 01:17:31,154 Now, I may not feel, but he does. 1104 01:17:32,240 --> 01:17:34,120 Let's see how he fights with your head on the block. 1105 01:17:43,042 --> 01:17:44,542 Ripley, from Alien 3! 1106 01:17:45,169 --> 01:17:47,009 Fuck, you're old. 1107 01:17:48,673 --> 01:17:51,133 Fake laugh. Hiding real pain. 1108 01:17:51,175 --> 01:17:52,555 Go get Silver Balls. 1109 01:17:52,594 --> 01:17:54,844 You guys going for a bite? Early bird special? 1110 01:17:54,888 --> 01:17:57,398 Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. 1111 01:17:57,849 --> 01:18:01,189 No, you know that bad guy that you let go? 1112 01:18:01,769 --> 01:18:03,689 He's got my girl. 1113 01:18:03,730 --> 01:18:05,110 You're gonna help me get her back. 1114 01:18:05,523 --> 01:18:07,353 Wade? Is that you? 1115 01:18:07,400 --> 01:18:11,820 Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. 1116 01:18:14,532 --> 01:18:15,692 I'm gonna wait out here, okay? 1117 01:18:15,742 --> 01:18:17,822 It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. 1118 01:18:17,869 --> 01:18:21,169 It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man. 1119 01:18:24,709 --> 01:18:26,169 And that is why, in my opinion... 1120 01:18:26,210 --> 01:18:29,420 the movie Cocoon is pure pornography. 1121 01:18:29,923 --> 01:18:31,713 Who brought this twinkly man? 1122 01:18:31,758 --> 01:18:33,848 Twinkly, but deadly. 1123 01:18:33,885 --> 01:18:37,935 My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. 1124 01:18:38,514 --> 01:18:42,514 In exchange, I said that I would consider joining his boy band. 1125 01:18:42,560 --> 01:18:43,850 It's not boy band. 1126 01:18:43,895 --> 01:18:44,935 Sure it's not. 1127 01:18:46,272 --> 01:18:47,942 So, any luck winning Gita back? 1128 01:18:48,733 --> 01:18:51,193 I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool... 1129 01:18:51,236 --> 01:18:54,866 but Bandhu is more craftier and handsomer than me. 1130 01:18:55,531 --> 01:18:57,241 Well, I think you're pretty darn cute. 1131 01:19:03,122 --> 01:19:04,122 Dopinder? 1132 01:19:06,084 --> 01:19:07,084 What was that? 1133 01:19:09,128 --> 01:19:14,758 That was Bandhu in the trunk. 1134 01:19:15,426 --> 01:19:16,716 Ban who? 1135 01:19:16,761 --> 01:19:19,551 My romantic rival Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. 1136 01:19:19,597 --> 01:19:21,267 I'm doing as you said, DP. 1137 01:19:21,307 --> 01:19:25,107 I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep. 1138 01:19:26,437 --> 01:19:28,107 I did not tell him to do that. 1139 01:19:28,147 --> 01:19:30,857 Absolutely not. It got lost in translation. 1140 01:19:30,900 --> 01:19:34,110 Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! 1141 01:19:34,153 --> 01:19:35,273 I'm so proud of you. 1142 01:19:35,321 --> 01:19:37,611 Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like. 1143 01:19:37,657 --> 01:19:38,577 Kill him. 1144 01:19:38,616 --> 01:19:40,746 And then, win Gita back... 1145 01:19:40,785 --> 01:19:43,575 the old fashioned way: with your boyish charm. 1146 01:19:43,621 --> 01:19:44,951 Kidnap her. 1147 01:19:46,499 --> 01:19:47,669 He's super dead. 1148 01:19:53,131 --> 01:19:54,751 I presume a crisp high five? 1149 01:19:54,799 --> 01:19:56,139 For you? 10. 1150 01:19:57,635 --> 01:20:00,425 Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference. 1151 01:20:00,471 --> 01:20:02,341 You know what to do. 1152 01:20:03,308 --> 01:20:05,938 Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy! 1153 01:20:07,145 --> 01:20:09,145 Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas. 1154 01:20:10,648 --> 01:20:12,278 Not often a dude ruins your face... 1155 01:20:12,317 --> 01:20:15,277 skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama... 1156 01:20:15,320 --> 01:20:19,500 and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. 1157 01:20:19,532 --> 01:20:23,702 Let's just say, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. 1158 01:20:36,674 --> 01:20:38,004 Hey. 1159 01:20:38,051 --> 01:20:39,341 Where's your duffle bag? 1160 01:20:58,196 --> 01:20:59,616 Bandhu? 1161 01:21:01,157 --> 01:21:03,287 Leave a message and have a happy day. 1162 01:21:03,326 --> 01:21:04,666 God damn it! 1163 01:21:04,702 --> 01:21:06,412 I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way... 1164 01:21:06,454 --> 01:21:09,874 with two swords and maximum effort. 1165 01:21:10,875 --> 01:21:11,875 Cue the music. 1166 01:21:28,059 --> 01:21:30,519 Wade Wilson! 1167 01:21:31,062 --> 01:21:32,682 What's my name? 1168 01:21:33,314 --> 01:21:34,894 I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya. 1169 01:21:37,235 --> 01:21:38,315 Go get some. 1170 01:21:38,361 --> 01:21:39,521 Superhero landing. 1171 01:21:39,571 --> 01:21:41,571 She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it. 1172 01:21:46,202 --> 01:21:47,362 Superhero landing! 1173 01:21:47,912 --> 01:21:48,992 You know, that's really hard on your knees. 1174 01:21:49,330 --> 01:21:50,740 Totally impractical. They all do it. 1175 01:21:51,249 --> 01:21:54,549 You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. 1176 01:21:54,586 --> 01:21:55,796 That's why I brought him. 1177 01:21:55,837 --> 01:21:59,047 I prefer not to hit a woman, so please... 1178 01:22:06,264 --> 01:22:09,354 I mean, that's why I brought her? 1179 01:22:10,894 --> 01:22:13,064 Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... 1180 01:22:13,104 --> 01:22:14,684 Just give us a second. Yeah. 1181 01:22:14,731 --> 01:22:16,061 There you go. Hashtag it. 1182 01:22:17,442 --> 01:22:19,272 Go get her, tiger. 1183 01:22:25,950 --> 01:22:29,700 I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex. 1184 01:22:30,413 --> 01:22:31,953 All right, then. Fire! 1185 01:22:43,718 --> 01:22:45,348 Finish fucking her the fuck up! 1186 01:22:45,386 --> 01:22:46,426 Language, please. 1187 01:22:46,471 --> 01:22:47,631 Suck a cock. 1188 01:23:13,665 --> 01:23:15,335 Look away, child. 1189 01:23:16,084 --> 01:23:17,414 Look away! 1190 01:23:24,759 --> 01:23:26,099 Wait! 1191 01:23:26,135 --> 01:23:27,305 Wait! 1192 01:23:27,345 --> 01:23:28,345 Cease fire! 1193 01:23:28,388 --> 01:23:29,728 Cease fire! 1194 01:23:29,764 --> 01:23:31,224 Fellas! Hey! Hey! 1195 01:23:32,600 --> 01:23:36,310 You only work for that shit-spackled muppet fart. 1196 01:23:36,354 --> 01:23:40,394 So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms... 1197 01:23:40,441 --> 01:23:43,441 in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle... 1198 01:23:43,486 --> 01:23:46,946 possibly even lover-like treatment. 1199 01:23:48,992 --> 01:23:50,282 Fine. 1200 01:23:50,326 --> 01:23:51,246 Commando! 1201 01:25:03,441 --> 01:25:04,351 Teabag! 1202 01:25:08,947 --> 01:25:09,907 Bob? 1203 01:25:10,990 --> 01:25:11,940 Wade? 1204 01:25:11,991 --> 01:25:13,281 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since... 1205 01:25:13,326 --> 01:25:15,616 -Jacksonville. Fridays. -Since TGI Fridays. 1206 01:25:16,412 --> 01:25:18,122 Well, what the hell! 1207 01:25:18,706 --> 01:25:20,206 God, come here, you. 1208 01:25:22,377 --> 01:25:24,337 How are the kids? Good? 1209 01:25:24,879 --> 01:25:26,799 And Gail? She's still fixing that tuna casserole? 1210 01:25:26,839 --> 01:25:29,639 So good! But bad for the waistline, if you know what I'm talking about. 1211 01:25:36,349 --> 01:25:39,689 Your... On the left. You are beautiful woman. 1212 01:25:39,727 --> 01:25:40,777 That is so sweet. 1213 01:25:42,230 --> 01:25:43,150 Thanks. 1214 01:25:55,410 --> 01:25:59,000 Does he write you notes too? He's such a romantic. 1215 01:25:59,372 --> 01:26:00,742 Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'. 1216 01:26:02,375 --> 01:26:03,165 Fire! 1217 01:26:10,758 --> 01:26:12,218 Hey! 1218 01:26:12,552 --> 01:26:13,512 Climb on! 1219 01:26:50,548 --> 01:26:52,098 Motherfucking... 1220 01:27:03,478 --> 01:27:05,938 Motherfucker should have worn his brown pants. 1221 01:27:08,733 --> 01:27:09,903 You were right, beautiful. 1222 01:27:10,777 --> 01:27:12,487 Red really is my color. 1223 01:27:13,404 --> 01:27:14,364 Wade? 1224 01:27:14,405 --> 01:27:15,285 Don't worry, baby... 1225 01:27:15,740 --> 01:27:17,740 I'mma get you out of that shit-box. 1226 01:27:18,243 --> 01:27:20,453 What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours? 1227 01:27:20,495 --> 01:27:22,415 Oh, you never left. 1228 01:27:22,455 --> 01:27:24,585 But you did, asshole! 1229 01:27:24,624 --> 01:27:26,084 Deep breath, darling. 1230 01:27:27,627 --> 01:27:28,757 Oh, wait. 1231 01:27:29,879 --> 01:27:31,429 Wrong choice of words. 1232 01:27:33,633 --> 01:27:36,513 I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve. 1233 01:27:36,553 --> 01:27:37,633 'Cause I'mma go lookin'! 1234 01:27:39,055 --> 01:27:41,095 I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. 1235 01:27:41,599 --> 01:27:42,479 When I'm finished... 1236 01:27:42,725 --> 01:27:44,565 parts will have to grow back you. 1237 01:27:44,602 --> 01:27:45,722 Good one. 1238 01:27:46,646 --> 01:27:48,566 Yep, that was a good one. 1239 01:27:48,606 --> 01:27:49,566 Let's dance. 1240 01:27:50,942 --> 01:27:52,192 And by dance, I mean... 1241 01:27:52,235 --> 01:27:53,315 let's try to kill each other. 1242 01:28:47,999 --> 01:28:50,209 Fine. Fists. 1243 01:28:50,501 --> 01:28:52,331 Sounds like your last Saturday night. 1244 01:30:14,252 --> 01:30:16,332 Asshole! 1245 01:31:12,685 --> 01:31:13,685 Hang in there, baby! 1246 01:31:14,187 --> 01:31:16,147 -Wade! -I gotcha! 1247 01:31:19,567 --> 01:31:21,527 I got a plan. You're not gonna like it. 1248 01:31:32,163 --> 01:31:33,283 Shit! Shit! Shit! 1249 01:31:39,254 --> 01:31:41,754 Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this. 1250 01:31:57,772 --> 01:31:58,852 Damn it! 1251 01:31:59,774 --> 01:32:02,654 Maximum effort! 1252 01:32:44,986 --> 01:32:45,986 Thanks. 1253 01:32:50,909 --> 01:32:52,579 Just take it slow. 1254 01:33:03,004 --> 01:33:05,634 Oh, my God! That was so... 1255 01:33:36,663 --> 01:33:38,243 There are no words! 1256 01:33:39,290 --> 01:33:42,910 Me and you are headed to fix this butterface. 1257 01:33:43,670 --> 01:33:44,680 What? 1258 01:33:47,215 --> 01:33:49,925 You stupid fucking idiot. 1259 01:33:50,468 --> 01:33:55,018 Did you really think there was a cure... for that? 1260 01:33:56,933 --> 01:33:57,853 What? 1261 01:33:58,309 --> 01:33:59,399 You heard me. 1262 01:34:01,187 --> 01:34:02,357 No. 1263 01:34:02,397 --> 01:34:03,647 No! 1264 01:34:10,822 --> 01:34:13,822 So, you mean to say... 1265 01:34:14,617 --> 01:34:18,877 after all this, you can't fix me? 1266 01:34:19,455 --> 01:34:21,585 It sounds even stupider when you say it. 1267 01:34:21,624 --> 01:34:26,714 Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for? 1268 01:34:30,550 --> 01:34:32,390 Any last words? 1269 01:34:34,262 --> 01:34:35,342 What's my name? 1270 01:34:36,472 --> 01:34:37,762 Who fucking cares? 1271 01:34:37,807 --> 01:34:38,597 Wade! 1272 01:34:40,226 --> 01:34:42,606 Four or five moments. 1273 01:34:43,187 --> 01:34:44,187 I'm sorry? 1274 01:34:44,230 --> 01:34:46,600 Four or five moments, that's all it takes. 1275 01:34:47,317 --> 01:34:48,197 To? 1276 01:34:49,360 --> 01:34:50,690 Be a hero. 1277 01:34:52,697 --> 01:34:55,447 Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. 1278 01:34:55,491 --> 01:34:59,071 Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero, go to work a hero. 1279 01:34:59,871 --> 01:35:01,661 Not true. 1280 01:35:01,706 --> 01:35:06,876 Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. 1281 01:35:07,253 --> 01:35:09,753 Moments when you're offered a choice. 1282 01:35:09,797 --> 01:35:13,967 To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend... 1283 01:35:14,761 --> 01:35:17,381 spare an enemy. 1284 01:35:17,805 --> 01:35:19,185 In these moments... 1285 01:35:19,974 --> 01:35:22,854 everything else falls away. 1286 01:35:23,561 --> 01:35:26,101 The way the world sees us. 1287 01:35:26,481 --> 01:35:27,481 The way we... 1288 01:35:31,736 --> 01:35:32,736 Why? 1289 01:35:33,988 --> 01:35:36,038 You were droning on. 1290 01:35:36,074 --> 01:35:39,114 Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread... 1291 01:35:39,160 --> 01:35:41,950 but at least fuckface won't heal from that. 1292 01:35:42,205 --> 01:35:44,835 If wearing superhero tights... 1293 01:35:45,291 --> 01:35:46,751 means sparing psychopaths... 1294 01:35:46,793 --> 01:35:48,963 then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em. 1295 01:35:49,003 --> 01:35:51,463 Not everyone monitors a hall like you. 1296 01:35:51,506 --> 01:35:52,676 Just promise... 1297 01:35:52,715 --> 01:35:56,465 Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout for the next four moments. 1298 01:35:56,511 --> 01:35:58,131 Oh, shit. 1299 01:35:58,179 --> 01:36:04,149 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy, about to stand in front of a girl... 1300 01:36:04,185 --> 01:36:05,515 and tell her... 1301 01:36:05,562 --> 01:36:07,642 What the fuck am I gonna tell her? 1302 01:36:07,689 --> 01:36:10,949 Well, you better figure it out. 1303 01:36:12,402 --> 01:36:13,692 I can't even tell you... 1304 01:36:13,736 --> 01:36:14,826 I deserved that. That, too. 1305 01:36:15,572 --> 01:36:17,322 No, no, no, maybe not the nethers. 1306 01:36:17,365 --> 01:36:19,155 Start talking! 1307 01:36:21,202 --> 01:36:22,782 I'm sorry. 1308 01:36:23,037 --> 01:36:24,497 I'm so sorry. 1309 01:36:25,331 --> 01:36:27,871 For everything, I'm sorry for leaving... 1310 01:36:29,377 --> 01:36:31,467 I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner. 1311 01:36:31,504 --> 01:36:33,584 It's been rough couple of years. 1312 01:36:33,631 --> 01:36:34,291 Rough? 1313 01:36:42,098 --> 01:36:43,938 I live in a crackhouse. 1314 01:36:45,184 --> 01:36:46,514 With a family of 12. 1315 01:36:48,271 --> 01:36:49,811 Every night we spoon for warmth. 1316 01:36:49,856 --> 01:36:52,906 Everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest. 1317 01:36:52,942 --> 01:36:58,782 There's nothing that we don't share. Floor space, dental floss, even condoms. 1318 01:37:06,915 --> 01:37:09,085 So, you live in a house. 1319 01:37:17,926 --> 01:37:20,886 I should have come and found you sooner. 1320 01:37:22,347 --> 01:37:26,307 But, baby, the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember. 1321 01:37:30,688 --> 01:37:31,898 You mean this mask? 1322 01:37:52,043 --> 01:37:53,623 And this one. 1323 01:37:55,088 --> 01:37:56,888 In case the other fell off. 1324 01:37:59,842 --> 01:38:02,132 All right. Yeah, just... 1325 01:38:02,178 --> 01:38:03,888 Like a Band-Aid, just give it a... 1326 01:38:03,930 --> 01:38:06,150 Owdie 5,000. 1327 01:38:06,182 --> 01:38:07,142 Wait, wait, wait... 1328 01:38:09,102 --> 01:38:10,352 Are you sure? 1329 01:38:12,230 --> 01:38:13,240 I'm sure. 1330 01:38:23,741 --> 01:38:24,611 Wow. 1331 01:38:25,994 --> 01:38:27,114 Yeah. 1332 01:38:34,043 --> 01:38:35,373 Hey... 1333 01:38:37,630 --> 01:38:39,380 After a brief adjustment period... 1334 01:38:39,924 --> 01:38:41,844 and a bunch of drinks... 1335 01:38:43,261 --> 01:38:45,221 it's a face... 1336 01:38:49,684 --> 01:38:51,314 I'd be happy to sit on. 1337 01:38:58,776 --> 01:39:02,486 I'm not the same underneath this suit, either. 1338 01:39:02,530 --> 01:39:03,320 No. 1339 01:39:03,865 --> 01:39:05,825 Super-penis. 1340 01:39:05,867 --> 01:39:07,747 Come on, Wade. Language. 1341 01:39:07,994 --> 01:39:09,374 Young one is present. 1342 01:39:10,455 --> 01:39:12,335 What are you still doing? 1343 01:39:12,373 --> 01:39:15,083 Get out of here. Go make yourself useful! 1344 01:39:15,126 --> 01:39:17,926 You, go be a really big brother to someone. 1345 01:39:17,962 --> 01:39:19,712 Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. 1346 01:39:19,756 --> 01:39:21,716 And you, chicken noodle... 1347 01:39:21,758 --> 01:39:23,558 nothing compares to you. 1348 01:39:23,593 --> 01:39:25,673 Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry. 1349 01:39:25,720 --> 01:39:28,430 That's all right. You're cool. 1350 01:39:30,350 --> 01:39:32,060 What in the ass? 1351 01:39:32,101 --> 01:39:35,141 That was not mean! I'm proud of you! 1352 01:39:35,563 --> 01:39:38,733 We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade. 1353 01:39:38,775 --> 01:39:41,905 For a second there, it felt like we were three mini-lion robots... 1354 01:39:41,945 --> 01:39:44,155 coming together to form one super robot. 1355 01:39:45,031 --> 01:39:46,241 There's a stupid. 1356 01:39:46,282 --> 01:39:47,322 Yeah. 1357 01:39:50,787 --> 01:39:55,167 And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for. 1358 01:39:58,920 --> 01:40:00,050 Come here. 1359 01:40:09,931 --> 01:40:12,891 Wham! As promised. 1360 01:40:25,947 --> 01:40:27,117 See? 1361 01:40:27,156 --> 01:40:30,746 You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. 1362 01:40:30,785 --> 01:40:33,665 The right girl will bring out the hero in you. 1363 01:40:34,163 --> 01:40:37,663 Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. 1364 01:40:37,709 --> 01:40:39,299 There we go, that looks nice. 1365 01:40:39,335 --> 01:40:41,715 That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. 1366 01:40:41,754 --> 01:40:45,134 Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 1367 01:40:45,174 --> 01:40:49,014 Till next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singing... 1368 01:40:49,053 --> 01:40:54,933 I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you 1369 01:47:04,888 --> 01:47:06,438 You're still here? 1370 01:47:09,058 --> 01:47:12,108 It's over. Go home. 1371 01:47:13,771 --> 01:47:18,101 You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. 1372 01:47:19,152 --> 01:47:22,192 What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? 1373 01:47:22,238 --> 01:47:24,908 With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? 1374 01:47:24,949 --> 01:47:26,579 Go. Go. 1375 01:47:32,832 --> 01:47:35,372 But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. 1376 01:47:35,418 --> 01:47:38,628 For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. 1377 01:47:38,671 --> 01:47:41,091 Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. 1378 01:47:41,132 --> 01:47:43,422 We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. 1379 01:47:43,468 --> 01:47:46,768 Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren... 1380 01:47:46,804 --> 01:47:49,304 Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. 1381 01:47:49,349 --> 01:47:50,769 Anyway, big secret. 1382 01:47:50,808 --> 01:47:55,318 And don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. 1383 01:47:56,272 --> 01:47:57,312 Go. 161914

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