Original subtitles

Women: all my best friends

say you are the worst thing

that happened to me

you're the worst.

All new wednesdays at 10:00 on fxx.

Announcer: Fx presents better things.

(knocking)

(Knocking) Huh?

What...

Hello.

Can-can I have those?

Uh... oh.

(Cans clatter)

Of course.

Yeah.

Wow.

Your car is messy. You got kids,

I can tell that. Sam: (Chuckles) Yeah, I sure do.

Why are you sleeping in your car?

Oh.

Uh, I'm tired all the time.

I call it momstein barr.

I try to power nap when I can.

Yeah, you got to take 'em here and there, right, mama?

Yeah.

Oh, I have to go to staples, remember? You promised.

I have to get, like, five things off my list.

Wait, mom, mom, you're passing the goodwill place!

Mom, pay attention! Stop!

Here. Take the jacket.

Oh.

And what size shoe do you wear?

Thank you. I-i wear a eight.

'Cause I...

I don't know whose this is,

but these are, like, a nine or a ten, maybe.

Oh, man, you are

such a nice lady.

You're pretty.

Thank you. You're pretty.

Oh, no. No. I used to be,

but you got to take care of yourself. You know,

get your car washed, get your hair done.

How do you think you're gonna to get a nice man

to make love to you?

Oh. No.

None of that for me. I got rid of him.

I'm not talking about a husband.

I'm talking about a man.

Don't you want a man to be nice to you?

Oh.

Yeah, well...

I told Paisley we could to a vintage photo shoot,

and I need wardrobe.

Shut up, maxie, shut up, maxie

shut your face!

Sam, your daughter is a monster.

You can't just be a mama all the time.

You got to sometimes be a lady,

with the man putting his full weight on you,

making you feel good.

Yeah.

I appreciate that, Diane,

but there is zero time in the mom's schedule

for being a lady.

Oh, yeah, okay. I hear you with that.

I raised four of my own.

So you know.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, you give 'em every second you got.

You take 'em to school,

you take 'em to their friend's house,

music lessons...

Dance class. Yeah, sports.

All those activities.

Endless.

I got my oldest...

He's a lawyer back in Minnesota.

Wow. Yeah.

One of 'em's married in Oregon.

Two of 'em are working back east.

They got good lives.

And you gave that to them.

Just like you.

And now look at me.

They leave you with nothing.

You got to make time for you, mama.

They take everything,

and then you're like me,

hoping you find some nice lady

to give you a jacket.

Get out.

What? What are you doing, Samantha?

Get out.

No way, mom. Mom, you can't just leave us here.

There's a bus stop right there.

Get on the bus. Take it home.

Mom, don't be a drama queen.

That bus doesn't even go to our house.

No, it doesn't.

You're gonna take the bus to ventura,

get out, walk up the hill.

Bye! Bye! Get out! I mean it! Mom,

we're sorry. We don't need anything.

We'll help you with the groceries when we get home.

Please.

Mother, you had me

but I never had you

I, I wanted you

you didn't want me

shit, I don't know.

Damn it.

What'd the network say about Eliza again?

I don't know. She doesn't pop. Something like that.

Oh. I'm sick of all these ladies.

Jen, what did they say about Eliza?

Um, the note was "she's a bummer."

Yeah, she is a bummer. I hate that we've

circled back to talking about her.

The network already approved Manning truesome.

Let's just cast her. I'll kill myself first.

George. Yeah?

Is there anyone we haven't thought of?

All right, look. I have someone.

Who? She was in a pilot

I directed about ten years ago.

She was hilarious.

Network fired her because she had no tits.

That's not good.

Who?

Man: Sam fox. I used to jerk off to her.

No way.

No way. She's, like, 60 now.

Possible side effects include nausea,

stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide,

diarrhea, and, in rare cases,

seizures or death.

Yeah, Sam, can you sound a little more

cheerful during the disclaimer?

Possible side effects include nausea,

stiffness of joints, thoughts of suicide,

diarrhea, and, in rare cases,

seizures or death.

(Laughing): I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm trying to sound cheerful about diarrhea.

I'm sorry.

(Clears throat) Diarrhea, sir.

Oh, diarrhea, everyone.

Is it thoughts of suicide

and diarrhea,

or is it thoughts of suicide

and also thoughts of diarrhea?

There's... (Laughing)

I know, buddy. I'm sorry.

What does this drug do, anyway?

It's a boner maker.

Oh.

Well, anything for a boner.

Yeah, okay.

I mean, although,

if a guy has a nice hard dick

and he has diarrhea squirting out the back,

it sort of ruins it, you know what I mean?

Just sort of.

(Smoke alarm beeps)

(Sighs)

Okay, let's go. Is it you?

(Beep)

Shit.

Oh.

Come on.

(Beep)

(Gasp)

Bingo.

Seriously?

(Beep) Oh.

(Beeping) Oh! No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

(Beeping continues)

Mama, what's happening? Honey, I'm sorry.

Mom, what did you do?

It's just the smoke detectors.

Oh, my god, mom! Mama, I'm scared!

It's okay. Mom, call dad right now!

No! What's going on?

Who are all those people in there?!

Mom, who cares? Are we gonna die right now?

You idiot! It's just a frigging smoke detector!

Shut up! (Sirens wailing in distance)

Everybody, stop!

I am so, so, so sorry.

Oh, my god, this is so embarrassing.

Shut up, Max! Mommy's doing her best!

Mom, call dad. The firemen

are gonna want to talk to dad.

I can talk to the firemen!

I don't need your fucking father!

I can talk to a fireman

by myself!

I mean, I can send you out for any audition that you want.

But you have to be careful about burning yourself out.

I think, personally, that it's better

to go out for just a few things every month.

You know, to seem more selective.

The interesting thing about you

is that you can play a good range age-wise.

Oh, definitely. I can play up to 25

and really down to 16. Mm-hmm.

Phone call.

I'm meeting. It's Jen Abrams.

Jen, hi.

Hey, tressa, do you still represent Sam fox?

Uh... yeah.

So you don't. Did she fire you?

No, Jen, she didn't. I do represent her.

Can I help you?

I'm checking her avails for a pilot.

Oh, for when?

It shoots in march. It's the lead.

The lead? Whose pilot is it?

Danny and Zack.

Okay. Well, I will give her a call.

Um, is this...

Danny and Zack love her.

Haven't checked the network yet.

Ah. Got it. Thanks, Jen.

Yeah.

See, I like that one.

Yeah, but sh...

It-it's subtle.

Like, you don't notice,

but you can totally tell.

It's shiny. That's... it's really good.

I want my face and neck

to stop being old-looking, that's all.

Yeah. That's scary. That's just scary.

She looks like an alien.

Hang on. It's my manager.

Hi, honey.

Hi, tressa.

Hey, so, um, some people are checking your avails

for march for a pilot.

Okay.

Should I say you're around?

Yeah, I'm around. I mean, you know I'm around.

Sure.

Wait. What's the pilot? What's the part?

You know, just the usual

friend of the lead kind of thing.

Anyway, I will let them know that you're around.

Yeah. Bye, doll.

Bye, hon...

Hi, hello. Sam: Hi.

So nice to meet you. I'm John.

Hi. I'm Sam.

This is sunny, my friend. Sunny, hi.

Hi. Did you get a chance to look at the photos?

(Clears throat) Yeah, we did.

Um, I'm not saying that yours do at all,

but I notice that sometimes

people tend to look a little shiny

and a bit like a potato, kind of.

A wet potato.

Right. Well, not here,

because our technique is undetectable.

You will not leave

looking like a shiny potato face.

Wow. Okay. Well, we're here.

I mean, this is for me. She's perfect.

Ha, ha, ha, no, seriously,

what do you... What do you think?

How young are we now?

Um, I'm 38.

You look great. Thank you.

You both look great.

I wouldn't really do anything on you.

Seriously? Yeah.

Wow. Okay,

why don't you climb up onto this chair?

Okay. (Clears throat)

Okay.

Awesome.

Okay, let's have a look.

Okay, so... (Clears throat) Uh-huh.

You see how kind of the left side of my face, it's melting?

Mm-hmm. Like, my right eye,

it's really heavy,

like I've been in a prize fight.

Yeah. And then my neck.

Jesus. I mean, what's happening to me?

Mm-hmm. Show him the picture.

Oh, yeah. Um... Yeah.

There's a picture of me.

So, that's like, um...

Ah. Yeah. Seven, eight. Maybe...

14. Maybe nine years ago.

Yeah, right.

See, here, you look fresh.

And now you look tired. Just tired.

Oh. That's all. No big deal.

We can remedy that. Okay.

Okay? Here, why don't you hold this?

Okay. Okay. Now, you see,

if we do a partial face lift...

Mm-hmm? It would raise all of this up.

Okay. And if we did the neck lift,

it would be very understated.

Okay, watch. Okay. Okay.

Watch this. See this?

Pretty. Oh.

Pretty. Mmm.

Huh? Pretty.

Pretty. He's right. It's kind of,

it's kind of amazing. Huh?

Uh-huh. Pretty.

Pretty.

What about, uh,

what about my neck thing?

Okay, watch. Ready? Okay.

Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Fresh.

Whoa.

Fresh. Wow, fresh.

Huh? Fresh.

Huh? So fresh.

You see that? Fresh. It's like...

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm, yeah.

You look like you went to, like,

the Bahamas or something.

Yeah, wow.

Uh, how long is the down time?

Well, your face will be all bruises

for about three weeks. Oh, shit.

Oh, but I anticipate a very youthful result.

W-what would you tell the girls?

Well, I'll just tell them i got attacked.

That way, they won't be mad at me.

At least they'll be nice to be for a day, maybe.

(All chuckle)

So I have an opening on the 18th.

Wow. Well, how much are we talking here?

Okay.

For the neck lift, it would be 45,000.

And for the partial face lift,

it would run 50,000.

Oh, you know what? I-I'm just gonna...

Can I take the price list with me today?

'Cause I'm going to think about it.

I don't think I can go completely garbo right now.

Of course.

Sit, sit, sit. Everyone sit.

Terrific.

So we are very excited about your show.

So are we.

(Laughter)

Good. (Chuckles)

So what's up?

What can I help you with now?

So, uh, we know who we want for the lead.

Wow. Great.

Have we seen her?

All, right, so, Charles, I,

I know you want to see choices.

I mean, we've all been through this before.

And I'd like to think we have some credibility here

with our other shows doing so well.

We absolutely love your shows. I hope you know that.

So who-who is it? Who are we talking about?

Jen: Sam fox.

Sam fox is funny, and that's our bottom line.

You've got cute all over the network,

and there's cute in the show,

but Sam fox is, like, real people.

She will score with every demographic.

When we cast young, we leave everyone else out.

Sam fox has sex appeal, but the big move here

is that she's hysterically funny

and everyone likes her.

She's an everywoman.

Works for me.

Jen, great job.

She's not on the show yet.

What are you mad about?

Because I just burned about 30% of my credibility

with Charles kemp.

What, you didn't believe what you said in there?

Because you seemed to. That's my job.

You're a gender traitor.

You're putting down your own people.

My "people"?

You know, start a test deal with Sam fox.

Call the reps now, please.

Uh, Charles said that?

That's what he said. So we need to start a test deal.

Wow.

Yeah, well, send a deal memo to my office,

and we'll get started.

Okay, tressa, thanks.

Bye, Jen.

Should I get Sam on the phone?

No.

And don't tell anyone about this.

You got that?

Okay.

Woman: We create...

Sam: Just let me... stop, mom...

Stop! Mom, shush. Pay attention.

I want to get your face in.

Stop! Fine! Jesus!

We're not misandrists,

but the patriarchy must be stopped.

(Crowd cheering in agreement)

Now, Martin Luther King,

he had one kind of a dream...

Martin Luther King beat his wife.

What?

Well, some people say that the FBI spread that story

to discredit him, but other people say

he cheated on his wife, and also people...

Wait, who told you this?

Cary, mom.

My teacher?

Yes. Yes. Remember?

Mahatma Gandhi beat his wife, too.

Aah! I didn't know Gandhi was even married.

Why would Cary be telling you these things?

Like, is he trying to make you hate these people?

No. He's just telling us the whole truth about them,

or at least as it's known.

He's telling us what's been said.

I mean, yeah, maybe the FBI lied about king,

but to say that he's this perfect human statue

is-is a lie.

Hmm.

It-it's important, mom.

Plus, they're still my heroes

for the good that they did do.

But their personal lives were just kind of sketched out.

Anyway, woman is the nigger of the world.

Frankie, don't say that.

John Lennon said that.

I know, but don't you say it.

Do you know what he's saying with that song?

Also, it's a direct quote from

both: Zora neale hurston.

Mom, I know.

He wasn't being derogatory.

It was being, like, metaphorical.

Cary told us that.

Hmm.

Also, Gandhi was pen pals with Hitler.

Oh, my god.

This kid looks like Sam could be his mom.

Why if we give her a black son?

Like she adopted?

Or shtupped a black guy?

Shtupped. Yes, please.

(Intercom buzzes)

We're ready for him.

Man: I have Charles for you.

Hi, Charles.

Hi, Charles. Hey, Charles.

Guys, I have great news.

Yeah? Great, uh, let's hear it.

Rachel mcadams got a hold of your script.

She wants the lead.

She's amazing. She's funny, talented.

We love her.

So we just locked her down, and based on that,

we're ready to move on to series.

(Chuckles)

Uh, Charles, that-that's great.

Amazing, yeah. We love her.

Congratulations, guys.

I'm excited.

So are we.

Good, we'll talk soon.

Ow, it's... Yeah, right.

Uh, all right, great. So let's, uh...

Let's look at this stuff and figure it out.

We're gathered here today because we know

that there is an atrocity...

You know, I read that mother Teresa

used to take private jets and go to fancy dinners.

Mom, that's not the same thing.

She was a catholic nun.

There's nothing complex about mother Teresa.

She sucked.

I know, but Gandhi was so little.

How could he beat up anybody?

All right, guys, let's start the mob.

Just look to the lady in the pink t-shirt for the moves.

Frankie, take the rest of these t-shirts, hand them out.

Yeah, for yes, i can do it, yes.

(Chuckles)

She loves your class.

Well, Frankie is a rock star.

Yeah. Uh, listen,

I got to ask a favor of you, buddy.

Frankie's knowledge of the world is accelerating

because of your class, good and bad,

and that's great, but it's going really fast.

And I can't keep up.

I work. I rarely get a download from her,

and when I do, she's on a newer and bigger planet,

like today...

Come with us to stockton.

What?

Yeah, we're going on a class trip to stockton.

You would learn so much with Frankie,

so then you'll be totally up to speed.

Our song is next. When is it?

It's the first week of march.

She should totally come with us.

Oh, stockton? Mom's always got to work.

She won't make it, Cary.

Cary: Well, that's good, Frankie.

Your mom's an earner.

I know.

Shall we mob it up, madame?

(Crowd cheering)

Hi, Sam.

Tressa, hi. Listen.

Is that pilot still happening?

That pilot in march?

No, it went away.

Oh, good!

Thanks, honey! Love you!

Love you. Have fun.

Ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo

ooh-ooh- hoo-hoo...

I'm gonna do it.

Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo

ooh-ooh- hoo-hoo

shake off the demons

ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo that you know

and you will see ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo

ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo 5,000 years before I grow

and I'm a lost cause ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo

ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo as far as causes go

ooh-ooh- hoo-hoo

open my heart, i need to show

ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo

ooh-ooh- hoo-hoo

I don't know if I'd get there without you, dear

been on my own for so long

and I feel so alone here

are you my savior?

And I've been looking down

it's so hard to see

no, we don't belong here

under this shadow

give me some salvation

help me believe

shake off the demons...

(record needle skipping)

Announcer: Better things.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on fx.

(Radio: Man vocalizing) (Birds chirping)

(Chattering)

Women: friends say you are the worst thing

that happened to me

announcer: You're the worst. All new wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on fxx.

Announcer: American horror story roanoke.

All new, wednesdays at 10:00.

Only on fx.

- (Snarls) - Ephraim: It's been 23 days

since the nightmare began.

Why do we fight?

- Revenge. - (Woman screaming)

Announcer: The strain, all new Sundays at 10:00 on fx.

(Crunching) (Horn honks)

(Sighs) Oh, my god.

Announcer: Baskets returns. January on fx.

(Ping-pong ball bouncing) (Beeping)

(Radio chatter) (Phone ringing)

(Ping-pong ball continues bouncing)

(Woman on pa, indistinct) (Laughter)

Man (Whispering): I know things about the dead.

- (Screams) - (Screeches)

Man: When I left from Africa, I thought I was mad.

- Man #2: You look the same. - I'm not.

And I have sworn to do very foolish things.