Original subtitles

(door opens) BEN: Oh, man.

Now that we're working stiffs,

I love a Saturday full of nothing.

TOMMY: There's nothing like nothing.

What do you guys got going on today? BOTH: Nothing.

We're all doing nothing. It's perfect. See you soon.

Grandpa's coming to visit.

What? What? He'll be here in five minutes.

We got to clean the living room. We have to paint the living room.

Just let it be messy; I don't even care.

Yeah, he only comes, like, once a year.

Let him clean it up.

It's not an accusation; it's an observation.

You overreact to him saying anything critical.

Oh, my God. Okay, Dad.

It's like I'm a broken music box.

You know, and he's the only one that knows the song.

KATE: You don't even know me, Dad.

You have never spent any time

with me or paid attention to me my entire life.

Its like, he just makes me so mad.

Dad who?

Okay, that's five minutes.

(sighing)

(doorbell rings)

Um, Dad's here.

* Wake up, look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down, get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

Thank you, Grandpa. I love it.

Well, of course, sweetie.

Happy birthday.

Again, Dad,

her birthday was four months ago.

I know that, Katie, but I couldn't be here then.

So we're doing it now.

(scoffs)

So, Dad, what brings you to town?

I thought it was time to come check on you guys.

See how this is working out. What do you mean?

Well, I know you've been living here a while,

looking after these guys, trying to be the man of the house.

What do you mean, "trying"?

Let's go have some cake, you guys.

Want some cake? Come on.

That's such a nice cake.

You got her a Valentine's cake.

Did I tell you about my new business?

I buy the autographed celebrity photos

from Laundromats that are closing,

and I sell them online.

Sounds more like a hobby than a business.

Are you still working at that bar?

Yes, I am still working there. So?

Oh, Katie, you always had such potential.

Ben! I always thought you'd do

something more meaningful with your life.

Ben! Come here.

It's so crazy

that you're saying that,

because I am, like, doing so much

meaningful stuff

and volunteering, so much volunteering.

It's like my other full-time job.

Where do you volunteer?

At the volunteer center.

Right, remember?

For kids. Kids.

Who are at risk.

At risk and need help.

Help, yeah.

The Volunteer Center for Kids...

BOTH: Who Are At Risk and Need Help.

Hey, babe, let's go see

what this cake looks like

in the living room.

Boy, Maddie's getting so big.

Yeah, yeah, no, I guess I...

I guess I notice it less 'cause I see her every day.

Why don't we, uh, see what

it looks like... You had a chance

to check out that audio book I sent you, Unfinished Business?

No, I'm not sure.

Um, pretty sure it was on cassette tape,

so I don't think I have a...

Well, you really should check it out.

It'll help you deal with stuff.

Stuff like what? Well, you know, the kind

of stuff that comes with being the man of the house.

You know, like putting a beat-down

on that low-life, Maddie's dad, when he ran off on her.

What? I mean, what kind of a man

doesn't stick up for his sister?

She made me promise not to, so...

I'm not even gonna...

Kate!

I don't lead a meaningful life? Come on.

He's in the memorabilia racket.

What is that? That's not even a real job.

Kate, you're a single mom who works in a bar

to take care of her kid.

You are so meaningful.

Why on earth did I tell him that I was volunteering?

Now he's asking me all these questions.

Kate, you do volunteer.

You help me all the time.

You take over my shifts. You feed me.

You know what, he's only here for a few days.

I am gonna go out and find a real-life charity,

Yeah. and I am gonna help a ton of kids

and people... Losers.

and get my dad off my back.

But when you're helping the losers,

who is gonna cover your shifts?

Oh, you are.

Kate, it's the weekend and it's happy hour.

Kate, I don't know how to work the...

thing you put the money in.

I don't know what it's called.

Ben. Ben! Your dad woke me up

this morning and made me go jogging with him.

Then we had a heavy pancake breakfast,

which seemed to undo everything we had just done.

Then he told me something

that you're gonna want to hear about.

What are you talking about?

Up and at 'em, sunshine!

We're gonna find Maddie's daddy; we're gonna kick his ass.

That's the thing that I was talking about that he told me.

Right now? Oh, yeah.

Let's do it.

Hi. How are you?

Good. Thanks.

My name is Katherine Fox, and I would like to volunteer.

Oh, great. Preferably something very meaningful,

because I am a very meaningful person.

Uh, well, we could always use help on the suicide hotline.

The su...

I don't think that's a good fit,

'cause I'm not very confident on the phone.

Do you know what I mean?

Um, I feel like, if somebody made a good argument,

I could cave really easily.

Oh, okay, um,

well, we're rebuilding the rec room tomorrow.

Are you handy?

I'm not not handy.

Why am I lying?

I am not handy. Okay.

Um, I was hoping there was something I could do today.

I'm a single mom. I don't have a lot of time...

Oh, you're a single mom? That's fantastic.

Thank you. Well, you're welcome.

I mean, it would...

be helpful in mentoring pregnant teens.

Not that it's great that you're alone.

That's... that's a hard,

uh, way of living, a hard life.

Like, and during the holidays,

or any time of year, it's... the whole year.

It's just a sad year. It's sad.

Sad as a woman, a single woman

with a child; it's sad.

I'm guessing you're not very good

on the suicide hotline, either.

Okay, no pictures of Tyler in Kate's room,

but I did find this.

Hey, guys, look who I found.

Mr. Fox, this is my girlfriend, Lila. Hi.

What's she doing here? Oh, don't worry.

Tommy told me all about it, and I won't say anything to Kate.

Maybe I could find him online.

What's his name?

It's Tyler Cook, but we already tried that.

It's a pretty common name, so...

Tyler Cook.

Okay, he grew up here.

He went to college with Kate. Yeah.

He's listed as the father on Maddie's birth certificate.

Boom, I got an address.

Looks like we're going on a stakeout.

Aren't you glad Mommy's so smart, huh?

These silly boys would have never found him.

I would've. I just...

I just didn't have the right software.

You crazy, mama. Daddy would've found him eventually.

No way.

Daddy can't even look up movie times online.

That's because Mommy only likes to see

weird Mommy movies that no one else

in the world cares about. Fight with each other,

not through the poor, defenseless dog.

So,

Dean.

Oh, it's, uh, Deanne.

If you say so.

Deanne, I can't promise this job is gonna last very long,

because I think that my ex-coworker

has just gone on some kind of moral walkabout,

but there is a chance she won't come back,

and I'm really gonna need someone

to do all of my work for me.

It's all right. I'm just looking for loose change to buy beer.

Very good.

Would you consider yourself

to be a serious worker?

Nah. "Nah."

Are you conscientious and punctual?

No. Fine. Final question.

Where do you see yourself

in five years?

Probably dead.

Welcome aboard.

(gasps)

Yeah. (laughs)

I can't believe it. I got a bit teary.

Oh, that was really, really fun.

Thank you. Should we do it again?

Yeah, I'm excited, but I'm also kind of scared, too, you know?

Having a kid is, like,

one of the biggest things to ever happen to me.

Well, yeah, yeah.

I-I understand.

Um, I understand because I am your mentor,

and I am here for you.

It's stories like yours that drew me

to volunteering in the first place.

I don't think I've ever seen you Shh.

at the center... before.

Shh.

Don't give up on you,

girlfriend.

Oh, hey, Dad.

This is Bethany.

She's a pregnant teen

that I am mentoring.

Hi. Randy Fox.

Are you guys... are you guys going somewhere?

It's like a father-son type thing, sort of like a picnic.

A picnic, we're going on a picnic.

You know, throw the old Frisbee around. Baseball around.

The Fr... the Frisbee baseball.

It's a new sport we invented called Frisball.

Basebee. I've heard it both ways.

Just depends on the region. Okay, cool.

Have fun wasting your time.

I'll just be here, being a beacon of hope

to a younger generation of knocked-up wayward teens.

Okay, let's get you home.

No, no, no, I don't want to go home.

I'm just gonna get in a fight with my dad.

He's been giving me a really rough time since I got pregnant.

Has he really? Yeah.

That's not okay; now I'm listening.

Not that I was not listening before.

I was listening, but I am locked in.

BEN: 2504.

Yeah, that's his place. Why are you using binoculars?

It's right there.

Because we're on a stakeout.

People use binoculars on a stakeout.

Ooh, they kept the historical trim.

You want to crack me open one of those energy drinks?

Oh, yeah. Good call.

I'll have one, too.

"Cardiac."

Don't mind if I do.

(chuckles)

There we go.

(laughs) Yeah.

(clears throat) That'll get us there, right?

(grunts)

You know what?

This is kind of nice.

You and me, a little quality time.

Yeah.

You'd almost think we had

a, uh, healthy father-and-son relationship.

You don't think we have a healthy father-son relationship?

No, I mean, I just...

I just... you know, when we were kids,

there were....

You were...

You know what, forget it.

Why don't we forget about talking for a while, too, huh?

Is your heart racing a little?

'Cause I can, like, hear mine beating in my ear.

I said no talking.

Holy crap. You live here?

I drive past this place on the way to Maddie's dentist.

To make her behave, I tell her the tooth fairy lives here.

MAN: Hello. Anybody home?

That's my dad. I can't do this.

Yes, you can. Trust me.

Hey. There you are.

Just trying to figure out how to put this thing on.

So exciting. Who's this?

I am Kate.

I am Bethany's mentor.

She expressed to me that you have not been

very supportive of her pregnancy,

and we would like to have a dialogue.

Honey-B, is this true?

Honey-B? Did you just call her Honey-B?

That is so...

Being a single mother myself...

All I said was that, once you have the baby,

honey, you can't hang out with your friends as much.

Gosh, do you see how unsupportive he is?

Well, I mean, he does have a point.

Oh, great, you're taking his side. Well, no,

nobody-nobody's taking sides.

But, I mean...

becoming a parent...

changes basically everything.

Well, so what? I can't, like, go to the movies anymore?

(laughs) With a kid?

Not as much, no.

Or hang out with Bootie and Dagger?

I don't know. Are those people?

Friends.

Ah, why does everybody hate me?

Honey-B...

You're, like, the best dad in the world.

Come on, you can't not talk to me.

We see each other like once a year.

Oh, because I'm so terrible.

Would you stop? I don't think you're terrible.

There's just stuff that we never did.

Stuff you never taught me.

Like, I don't know how to drive a stick.

Or fish.

Fishing is stupid.

Two guys sitting together all day not catching anything?

We're basically fishing right now.

Name one other thing I didn't teach you.

Uh...

how to smoke a cigar.

How to, uh, start a campfire.

Had to learn that on the streets.

Are you finished? God, no.

No. How to climb a tree.

I begged you to teach me how to whittle.

I don't know how to carve a pipe or a canoe.

I like your hair.

Thank you. Thank you.

I was talking to her.

Daddy spends so much time doing his hair

that we were almost late getting here.

Well, tell Mama that we were late because

she forgot her phone charger.

Again.

I'll put myself to bed.

How to blow smoke rings.

How to shave with a knife.

"Affect" vs. "effect."

How to throw a Frisbee. How to lawn-bowl.

How to spit tobacco.

How to spit, in general.

No one's saying that your life is over.

But, uh, it is going to change.

Drastically.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. When my daughter was born,

I had to put everything on hold, you know?

My friends, and school,

and my career.

And nobody told me that.

And nobody told me how scary it was gonna be, either.

When Maddie was two,

she swallowed a nickel.

(whispers): I still haven't found it.

Is it ever gonna come out of there?

Is it gonna stay inside of her forever?

Oh, my God, not a day goes by

that I don't think about it.

When I wasn't looking,

what else did she eat?

When I just turned my head away for just a second, like...

marbles, pen caps,

little toys, little dolls... I think...

what your friend is trying to say

is that...

parenting is hard, honey.

Yep. It's hard.

On the brighter side, I'm here.

And I've been through it before.

And I'm gonna help you, honey.

You're not alone, okay?

Oh...

come here, Honey-B.

Oh, sweetie, oh...

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be difficult at first, but...

before you know it,

your life is gonna be right back where you left it.

Right?

I mean, once-once you got the hang of parenting,

you got right back to your life, right?

What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean, you put the pieces back together,

you went back to school.

No.

Or you pursued your dreams, right?

Get off my back, Dave!

God!

I can't throw a boomerang.

It never came back, Dad.

All right, all right, all right, all right,

all right! What do you say we

focus on the task at hand, huh?

All right.

Sorry.

One quick question, though.

Okay, like, when this goes down with Tyler...

like, how's this gonna work?

Like, logistically?

I don't know.

Maybe one good punch each.

Okay.

Well, one small thing:

You never taught me how to punch a guy.

You never punched anyone?

Well, how many guys have you punched? We're not talking about me.

You've never punched anyone, either?

This is a disaster, Dad.

The most important punch of our lives

can't be our first!

We got to practice.

Okay, so...

For maximum fairness,

on three, we punch each other at the same time.

Just like Rocky and Apollo in Rocky II.

Rocky III. No, it's Rocky II when they both go down.

Yeah, but the simultaneous punch was in Three.

No, it wasn't, Dad. It was Two. I know the movie.

Just forget it, okay? All right, all right.

All right, you ready? Ready.

One... Two... Aw, Ben...

Three!

(groaning)

What kind of punch was that? You hit me right in

the side of my head. Ah, I know!

Ow! Ow! Oh...

That was, like, skull on bone.

Ow!

I think I really hurt my hand.

Oh...

Are you guys okay?

No, man!

We just Rocky one-two-threed each other.

Aah! Wait, wait.

Are you, uh...

are you friends with Tyler?

Oh, is that the guy who used to live here?

Yeah, he moved like six months ago.

Left all his stuff.

Even his fish.

Abandoning things-- that's his signature move, you know?

I bet he never calls on the fish's birthday, either.

Why would he call the fish on its birthday?

Look, I am sorry I forgot Maddie's birthday, okay?

I'm talking about Tyler, Dad.

Oh, right.

Should I go?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go.

(sighs)

Ah, who am I kidding?

It's too late.

No, it's not too late.

Come on, we can find him.

I'm not talking about that.

Look, Ben, I hit my head on the inside of a waterslide

in the Wisconsin Dells about a month ago.

Nearly drowned.

I was basically dead for, like, three minutes.

And when I woke up, I thought, "I need to try

to set things right with my family."

Well, I wish it hadn't taken

a near-death experience for you to come visit us.

Look, I know it's probably too late

for you to ever think of me as a good father. Dad...

But I want to be a good grandfather.

That's...

Well, I thought settling things with this creep

would feel like a little bit of both.

You know, there's still something we can do.

DEANNE: And if you're an Ozzie, drink it down

like a mozzie,

and everybody shout, "Hooroo!"

ALL: Hooroo!

Oh, Deanne...

disgusting Deanne.

You just know so many

idiotic, repetitive drinking games.

Yeah, well, when you tend bar for 20 years,

you learn a few.

(laughs) 20? Gosh.

I know. This is the life for you and me, BJ.

Yeah. You know, no worries,

no responsibilities... Yeah. Yeah. Right.

I'll keep doing this till I'm too ugly

to make tips or my liver gives out!

(laughing)

Oh, that's amazing.

(laughing) Stop it.

Who's ready for another shot?

(cheering) Me!

DEANNE: Hooroo!

CROWD: Hooroo!

Oh, thank God. You're back.

My dad told me

that I am wasting my life away.

And then Bethany's dad told me basically

the exact same thing. Nice.

Who cares if I never went back to college?

I don't, because it's nobody's business what we do

or don't do with the rest of our lives.

That is exactly what I'm saying. Who cares that you're

constantly talking about going to business school?

And you never do it! It's your business.

It's how you're saying you're going to study

to become a therapist. Oh. Yeah.

Did you ever do that? No. No!

You know why? Because you choose!

I choose.

To do nothing. To do nothing at all.

With my life. With my life.

I don't want to do anything with...

I don't want to do anything. No.

Good for you gals. Yeah.

It's just us gals from here on out.

You know, together forever!

All right, careful. Slow down. We don't want to spill.

Will you stop? I know how to liberate a fish.

Hey!

What the hell?

This guy again?

Run. Run! Run!

No! Run, Dad!

Whoa, whoa. DAVE: Get back here!

Hold it up. I got it.

Yeah. DAVE: You broke into my house!

Okay, give it to me. Give it to me. (grunting)

Give me my fish!

What are you...? Whoa.

(stammers)

Whoa! Okay, okay... Wait, I don't know how

to drive a stick! We got to switch.

No, no, no, there's no time! Lock the doors!

What? Left foot on the clutch, right foot on the brake.

Then shift. DAVE: Hey, I can hear you!

Wait, I can't shift. My hand! Okay, I'll shift!

You're taking my fish. Okay, both pedals down.

Start the car. Start the car. Okay. Okay.

I'm calling the cops! All right, now right foot on the gas, left foot on the clutch.

Okay, now up on the clutch... DAVE: What are you doing?

...down on the gas at the same speed.

Hey! That's not your fish!

You know nothing! You saw nothing!

Okay. Go.

Go. What the hell?

RANDY: That's it, smooth.

BEN: Oh!

RANDY: Now, just drive. Drive!

BEN: Wow, we're hauling!

RANDY: Good, good!

BEN: We're doing it, Dad!

You're teaching me how to drive.

LILA: I know Daddy said

we'd be home an hour ago, baby,

but we'll find something

for you to eat here.

Okay, look. That's it.

Ben's dad was right.

We're fighting through Robert

instead of just talking with each other.

What is Daddy talking about?

Oh, God.

You're right. I'm sorry.

I just really hate fighting with you.

But it doesn't have to be some big scary thing

for us to disagree about little stuff. Right?

Right. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. (laughs) Sorry. (laughs)

Can I have something to eat?

I'm starving.

I told your silly Aunt Lila

to order pizza an hour ago.

I'll call for you, Maddie,

because obviously Uncle Tommy's fingers are broken.

(laughing)

She tried to wait up for you.

You should've given her some soda or candy or something.

That's what I used to do with you and Ben.

What do you got there?

Nothing. Let me see.

No, it's just... I was just, like...

I'm just filling out an application

to go

back to college.

Oh, Katie, I got through to you.

No. That is not what you should take away from this.

Well, I hope you have time to go to school

with all the... volunteering

you've been doing.

Okay, fine. You got me.

Mmm.

I just... I really don't like

having you disappointed in me.

I'm not disappointed in you. I'm just disappointed

that you didn't have anyone around to help you.

I... I did... I had people around.

Well, not everyone.

And why did you think you had to lie to me?

I don't know, Dad.

How was your picnic?

Sorry, we... we didn't find him.

Well, thank you for looking.

Grandpa.

Hey, kiddo.

I got you an early Valentine's Day present.

Do you think she's a girl?

Oh, of course she's a girl.

MADDIE: I'm gonna name her Frances.

RANDY: Frances the Fish.

Where'd you get her?

I went fishing with your uncle.

It was... actually pretty fun.

I punched Dad.

It was awesome.

It's actually kind of nice having him here.

Yeah.

When do you think he's leaving?

I don't know.

I don't know.

(squeals softly)

We did it.

We applied for college.

My great-grandfather would be so...

disappointed.

He hated college.

And women.

We never even had the sex talk.

I did a lot of weird stuff

with girls, Dad,

before I actually learned what I was doing.

I don't even know how to use protection.

I thought you unroll the thing before you put it on.

Like a-a... a tight balloon

around a hammer.

It really slows down the momentum of the night.

Speaking of balls, I don't know how to change a tire.

I once went on a date and got a nail stuck in my tire.

Pulled over, and then the girl had to change the tire.

Didn't get laid that night.

And even if I did,

I wouldn't have known what to do!

How to end a conversation. I can't do that.