Original subtitles

Good morning, Barrington Country Club.

We're expecting a high of 72 degrees today

with a 100% chance of kickass golf.

What's up?

A couple of quick announcements here, guys.

In the dining room, the soup of the day is navy bean.

Second of all, Lloyd, our previous starter,

died last night.

Guess I, uh, maybe should have led off with that.

Kind of buried the lead there.

I guess we should have a moment of silence for old Lloyd,

but I gotta say, guys, death makes me chatty.

So many questions burning through my brain right now.

It's, like, who are we?

Where do we go? Is this world any different

for us having passed through it?

Let's be honest: for a lot of members out there,

these are very relevant questions.

You're kind of on the back nine of your lives.

Anyway, next up on the tee is the Matt Swan foursome.

Wait. Matt Swan?

Ben Fox! Dude!

How's it going?

Come here!

(microphone feedback squeals) Hey!

Okay. Yeah.

Wow, dude, you're a member here,

so you must be doing pretty good.

Oh, you know, some things worked out for me. And your life?

Really good.

Oh? Six weeks ago I was driving the snack cart.

Now I'm the golf starter.

Yeah, I heard. Sorry, uh, sorry about Lloyd.

Yeah, I was the one that found him.

So you were saying...

Yeah, this job is great for connections, you know?

Gathering up all these investors

for a new business I'm working on.

Nice, nice. I hope it works out for you.

Oh, it will. They gave me a company car.

It's a courtesy van shuttle. Seats 16.

It's got a driver-side, handheld intercom mike.

That does sound... great.

Yeah, suffice to say

I got all my voice amplifying needs taken care of.

* Wake up, look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down, get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

"What number comes next in the sequence

one, three, five, seven?"

Is it a vowel?

I think it's got to be a number, Norman.

(car horn beeps)

That's the sound my mother makes.

See you tomorrow, Maddie.

Bye, Norman. Good-bye...

forever.

Norman's never gonna pass that test. It's okay

if you guys are in different classes.

And it's okay if you get into the gifted program,

which I am not pressuring you about at all.

You and Norman will be friends for a long time.

I hope so. I like him.

And he doesn't have a dad, either.

Well, you know what's lucky about having one parent?

I know. You love me twice as much.

Mm-hmm. And I bet you that Norman's mom does, too.

Hey, guess who I ran into. Matt Swan. I haven't seen

that guy since we gave up on the idea of going into business together.

Yeah, you guys were gonna do, like, a pizza thing.

I saw it in a dream;

it's crust, sauce, cheese, and then another pizza.

I call it the "Bunk Bed Pizza."

It's like a sleepover...

...in your mouth! ...in your mouth!

That was a genius idea.

Why did I abandon that?

Uncle Ben, were you friends with my dad?

Uh, wow, okay. This is happening.

I always imagined this conversation

taking place on a rocking chair.

You know, like in front of a fireplace.

Ben, Ben! Here we go.

The truth about... Okay, so can you come

talk to me over here in this area of the house?

Thank God. I was not ready for that. Neither is she.

That's why I'm sticking to the bare minimum until she's ten.

She's a smart kid. She's gonna start asking questions before that.

Shouldn't we just tell her the truth?

What, that I got knocked up, and then

my really cool boyfriend just took off,

literally running down the street?

Add some color to it. What about a puppet?

I could have a sock with some eyes on it ready in five.

And if you don't need the eyes,

I can have it in six. Seriously, okay? I don't want her

asking questions that I can't answer. But I left her hanging.

Ask her about the gifted program.

The gifted program?

Since when is there a gifted program?

There wasn't one when we went to that school.

Yes, there was. No, there wasn't.

Okay.

It doesn't take an honor student to decipher hurtful whispers.

Wow, you look like you took a shower this morning

while someone watched.

You look like you watched someone take a shower

while eating leftover chicken.

(spits)

Ugh.

Can I just have a tiny bit?

Ugh! Oh!

Shower chicken? It's getting very serious.

Unfortunately, it couldn't come at a worse time.

I've got Wendy coming tomorrow.

Oh!

Who's Wendy?

Wendy is BJ's mom. Oh.

It's nice she's coming to visit you.

Please, she doesn't come all the way here to see me.

Whoever me is these days. I've told her so many lies,

I can't even remember who I'm pretending to be anymore.

I once had to tell her I was married to a spy

just so I could tell her my life is top secret.

Why can't you just tell her the truth?

'Cause nothing I ever do is good enough for her.

Okay, but I do love a good backstory.

What happened with that spy dude?

Oh, it was horrific. He was caught and executed.

Oh, my God!

And that's when I had to become a local news anchor

just to make ends meet. She doesn't believe you, does she?

I sent her a tape.

Good evening. I'm BJ Harrison.

And here are tonight's top stories.

Adhesives nationwide are failing at this hour,

prompting worried officials to wonder what falls next?

Stay glued.

So the good news is I am an amazing liar,

but the bad news is

I'm gonna need you guys to be my alibi.

Mm-mm. No.

So you're gonna have to cover for me. Mm-mm.

(school bell rings)

Ms. West!

So funny seeing you here.

in the teachers' lounge.

So, I was wondering if you could give me a little sneak peek

on how Maddie did on the gifted test.

She did very well.

That's amazing. Thank God. She didn't get

into the gifted class, but she came very close.

I'm sorry. What?

She did not get in.

Say it again.

She was not selected.

I don't understand.

Her score was too low.

Her score was so high.

No, too low.

Oh.

One more time.

W-What's happening?

Maddie is a really smart kid. Maybe she's not very good at test-taking.

It can be harder for kids from single-parent homes.

I wouldn't worry about it. She'll take it again next year.

Well, maybe I could just get a copy of the curriculum,

and then I could just teach her some of this stuff at home.

Look, Miss Fox, the kids

are fine not being in the gifted class.

They call themselves the "B-Squad."

We even gave them little bumblebee pins.

Well, some of them poked themselves with it,

so now they have stickers.

But still, Maddie is right where she belongs.

I wouldn't beat yourself up.

Well, who can I beat up, you know?

Just show me where a gifted kid is,

and I'll just take him out,

and then Maddie can slide right in there.

That was just a joke. It was a joke.

Please don't put me on some kind of list.

(microwave beeps)

Excuse me. I have to go rotate my lasagna.

See, it's a pizza that's stacked like a bunk bed.

Wow, I just blew your mind.

Hey, Ben.

Yeah? Can I talk to you?

Yeah. I'll be back to work out the financials.

Oh, hey, can I hold that glass for a second?

Sure. Why?

Because when you hear the bad news

I'm about to tell you, you're gonna want

to smash it on the floor. Wow. Okay. Hit me.

Matt Swan took your bunk bed pizza idea.

What? How could he do that to me?!

We were friends! That was my idea!

Ooh, I want to smash something to the ground!

You were so right to take that from me.

You guys, Maddie didn't get into the gifted program. What?

And you know what her teacher basically said?

It's because I'm a single mom.

You know what this single mom did?

I stole this curriculum handbook.

I put it down my pants.

Ew! Gross!

It's a good thing I was wearing

these mid-rise jeans today.

Yeah, that's great, you know, for Maddie.

What about the other kids that didn't get

into the gifted program?

Who are missing out

because someone is probably stealing their ideas?

Who's putting stuff down their pants for them?!

This is perfect.

Thank you so much for getting me in.

Fake me would totally be a member here.

Now listen, I am going

to tell her that you are my interior designer.

What?! Let's call you "Paolo."

And you're from some remote little town...

Oh, here's the old bag. (chuckles)

She looks terrible.

Where am I from?! What's my backstory?!

Just make it up on the fly?

There isn't enough time! I'm not ready! What is wrong with you?

Sit down! Paolo, chill! Develop a character!

WOMAN: Darling! Hi!

Hi, you little celebrity.

Oh.

Oh. I see you've still got those shoulders.

Like a statue, aren't you?

Yeah, like an old cat.

Ah, the statue and the cat. So,

why are you here?

Oh, it's regarding my health.

Oh.

I'm having the dark circles

under my eyes removed

by having fat injected from my earlobes.

Right. Yeah, I was gonna do that,

but my earlobes weren't fat enough.

Oh. So my doctor refused.

(laughs) This is so crazy.

He proposed.

Was that before or after the Saudi prince?

(sputters and laughs)

I can't... So many proposals.

I... think my friend Paolo,

my interior designer,

who I want you to meet, might remember. Paolo?

Yes?

Come over!

(with accent): I am Paolo.

My mother's name is Sophia, and my father's name is... Paolo.

Oh. Wonderful to meet you.

Mmm. Sweet like candy.

Oh? Oh, I see this table.

I'm disgusted. I will fix it.

It's disgusting,

not worthy of you.

I am Paolo.

Wonderful decor!

Purple colors, yellow colors.

Hey.

What's going on?

Ah, nothing. Just chillin'.

Yeah? Yeah, totally just chillin'.

Yeah. Yeah?

Remember when you, um,

stole that gifted, uh, kid's folder

from Maddie's school--

which I'm pretty sure is, like a federal crime--

and I didn't judge you?

What did you do?

And remember what you were saying

about how Maddie didn't get into the gifted program?

Well, I started thinking about how it wasn't fair.

Ben, what did you do?

BOY: Mr. Fox, Norman locked himself outside again.

NORMAN: Please help me!

I'm starving! I need water!

BEN: I got a little carried away.

I stole the B-Squad.

Please let me in!

Okay, okay. Thank you, Diane.

Next time my brother decides

to spontaneously take your kid home from school,

I will be sure to get permission first.

Not that that's gonna happen again.

Okay, bye. That was the last one.

And you are really lucky that I saw Kevin's mom

sideswipe that school bus and then just drive away.

Otherwise, this would be really serious. This is serious.

We're gonna give these kids everything

that those rich kids have.

Oh, boy. With their laptops

and their fancy Thermoses.

I really, I don't think it's like a rich thing,

but I'm with you. I think we should start with teaching them

the Pledge of Allegiance.

"I pledge allegiance

to the flag."

If I wanted these kids bored, I would have left them at school.

No? Maddie,

what are those so-called gifted kids doing today?

They're going to the planetarium.

Of course they are.

All right, well, if those nerds can do it,

so can we.

We're all going to the planetarium.

ALL: Yeah!

Sounds like a plan, Mr. Fox.

Let's do this.

Okay, I love this guy.

Okay, everybody on.

BEN: All right, troops,

this is your captain speaking,

Ben Fox.

And I'm your co-captain.

I'm Kate Fox.

Give it back. You're first officer.

You know how to get to the planetarium.

Just look it up on your phone, Kate.

And waste a valuable

learning opportunity? (scoffs)

I'm just gonna...

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your co-captain, Kate Fox.

Sometimes, you're gonna run

into situations where you don't have

a fancy phone.

So it's just gonna be you

and your wits, Norman.

So today,

we're going old school, you guys.

Brains and beauty.

Okay, who wants to learn the Pledge of Allegiance?

Well, at least he blacked out my face.

This place really is something.

I own it.

You know, it always astounds me

what certain people consider to be class.

Yeah, I'm more of a silent partner.

Well, I think I'll go to the loo.

Why don't you order another round?

Maybe if I have a little bit more to drink,

I can imagine this place to be a little nicer.

Lovely.

Okay. I see what you're

saying about your mom, but you need to be honest with her

if you ever want to have a real relationship.

Our relationship is built

on a very delicate web

of passive aggression and lies.

Why would I want to destroy something

so beautiful?

BJ, any mom would be impressed by your life.

Sure, you're mean sometimes, like just rude,

and your boyfriend eats chicken

while watching you shower, which has really stuck with me.

No napkin required.

He just gets in with me when he's full.

BJ, I feel so strongly about you being honest

with your mom, you've left me with no other choice.

Don't you dare.

The glasses are coming off. Don't.

They're coming off, BJ. Tommy, it makes me very anxious.

Don't even! Tommy, it's even worse

when you only do it halfway.

Please, put them back up.

Fine, I can tell the truth.

I can tell her the truth. Put them back on.

I am Paolo.

I don't understand this.

How can 34th Street be here

and then just stop and then it's over here.

It doesn't make... Look, as long as we're lost in this part of town,

like, might as well

get the kids some food.

It looks like they got a pizza place

over there, you know.

Maybe we just grab

a fresh slice of 'za.

Maybe some sausage. Ben,

did you drive us over to Bunk Bed Pizza?

Well, you couldn't find the planetarium,

so I had to take us someplace.

Who wants to eat some pizza?

ALL: Yeah!

Yeah!

Wait, you guys. Be careful.

Ben, wait for us.

(horns honking) Ben, what are you doing?

It's too late! I've already committed myself.

This is not part of the lesson, okay?

Hey, eating with a fork? Come on!

Thank you, Ben. Appreciate it.

Hey, Ben.

Twice in one week.

You stole Bunk Bed Pizza.

(bell dings) Bunk Bed Pizza.

You get top bunk.

Wait, hold on.

I didn't steal anything.

You sold it to me in college

for 11 beers and all my martial arts training manuals.

Yeah, but I never expected you to make it into like, a thing.

This is, like, a full,

like, fully realized thing.

Look, I-I don't know what to tell you.

I-I believed in the idea and I stuck with it.

Well, Bunk Bed Pizza was mine.

Bunk Bed Pizza. You get the top bunk.

I don't care! It's his job.

You can expect a very tersely worded e-mail

from my friend's wife, who is an attorney.

She wears suits, bro.

KATE: We made it, you guys.

By the time we leave the planetarium,

we are going to know

about the entire universe.

What? Closed at 5:00?

(pounding on door) No.

I know you guys are in there.

You ju closed.

Why did I think it closed at 6:00?

Okay, I feel like everybody can get back on the shuttle.

Obviously, I was going to screw this up.

You want to know who the captain

of the B-squad is? It's me.

I am a disaster,

and it's not even just this; it's everything.

Maddie didn't pass that test because look who her mom is.

Look at me.

I suck! You suck?

Dude, I let Matt Swan make a fortune off of my idea

because I was too lazy to follow through.

I suck. Yeah, you do suck.

Hey, you suck.

You made us late because of stupid Matt Swan, Ben.

You suck.

You suck. Yeah.

I suck! Well, I suck, too.

Whatever, yeah, I suck more.

So? What are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna tear this whole place down.

Starting with that stupid statue!

Help me...

tear this...

son of a bitch... down!

(groaning)

It's so heavy!

TOMMY: Hey, BJ.

How'd it go with your mom?

It was really good.

I didn't tell her the truth, but it was really good.

Figured as much, which is why I told her to meet me here.

What? Here?

Tommy, I don't want her to know I work here.

Look, she needs to know the truth.

You know I hate the truth.

(whispering): I am so angry with you.

Can I help you?

You just did.

(grunts)

I came here to meet someone.

You just did.

I'm Buddy.

What's that short for?

Nothing.

Matter of fact,

it's long for something.

(exhales)

Guess my drink.

Chardonnay.

Four fingers.

Neat.

(moans) Wait a minute.

What am I doing?

I'm not available, obviously.

She is a very lucky woman.

She really, really is. She got a great rack, too.

You want to see them? BJ!

Get those sweet cans over here, baby.

Go.

I hate you so much.

Hi, Mom.

Whoa.

You guys are mother and daughter?

Is this man your boyfriend?

Were you trying to sleep with him? Of course.

Look at him.

He's a majestic Clydesdale.

His eyes

are like a blizzard I want to get lost in.

This is classic Wendy.

Oh, don't listen to her.

I only slept with one

of her boyfriends, and she was 16.

I mean, how serious could that be?

That takes me back.

Just like the old days.

(exhales)

I just never thought that you'd approve of my life enough

to try and ruin it.

Oh.

That means a lot.

I missed you, Mom.

Hug.

(chuckles) Oh.

That was the second maddest

I've ever been at a statue.

(chuckles) It was a really good effort, though.

It was.

You know, if you attack

all of your business ideas like that,

nothing would get in your way.

(chuckles) Yeah.

You feeling any better?

No.

No, not really.

I know it's dumb,

but I really wanted to get her to the planetarium.

Look, I know sometimes that you don't think

you're a good mom,

but look how far

you went for her today.

The fact that you don't let Maddie

settle for second best,

that's what makes you an A-squad mom.

And besides, we don't need some stupid planetarium

to see the stars.

I think it's so cool, Mom.

Whoo! Whoo!

(laughter)

Are you ready for some Bunk Bed Pizza?

Ah. Yeah. Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

Here we go. Oh.

What is in these things? It's like...

one bite and I'm full for days.

That's because it's crust, sauce, cheese, and then...

And then another pizza.

Who is this kid?

Who does he remind me of?

Beej, how was your mom?

She tried to have sex with Buddy.

Oh, my God, no. You must be so happy.

I was.

I really was.

I got to hand it to Matt Swan.

He really knows how to make another man's pie.

BOY: How many pieces can I have?

Well, there's nine of you

plus me and Ben

plus BJ and Tommy...

So there's five pizzas and there's eight slices.

Each person gets to have three,

and one person gets to have four.

Baby, that's really good.

(whispering): Ben, is she right?

Yeah, my phone says she's right.

You are so smart.

You're so smart.

You know, your dad was really good with math.

I think that's where you get that from.

And you know, if you have any questions about him, Maddie,

you can ask me.

Okay.

Okay.

You know what you got from your uncle Ben?

What?

Your sense of humor.

And you know how you're always really good

with the other kids? You get that from your uncle Tommy.

What do I get from Auntie BJ?

Impeccable manners, sweetie.

"I pledge allegiance

"something flag,

United States of America."

ALL: "And to the republicans, which in the sand,

"under God, who is invisible,

with liberty and justice for Paul."

Amen.

(laughter)

(screaming)

To the clubhouse!

Stay calm!

No, no, no, wait!

Wait! Agh!

Wait, guys, guys, stop!

Proving that for this all-girls soccer team,

the real goal should have been staying alive.

And now, the weather.

Good evening, folks.

I'm your co-anchor, Houston Lightning.

The weatherman. I'm the co-anchor, Houston Lightning.

You're the weatherman, Houston.

Call me co-anchor or I'm walking.

That's fine. Just do it. I'm out of here.

From all of us at Channel 2 News, myself,

and our tireless crew, good night,

stay hydrated, and remember:

the only safe squirrel is a dead one.