Original subtitles

We gotta hide him! We gotta hide him!

Where? We gotta hide him.

He's a big bird! (turkey gobbles)

Uh... think about it.

Dude, what are you thinking?

The cabinets-- we did not think this through!

Crap! There's no room in here!

What are you doing?

Why are you holding a turkey?

What do you mean? It's Thanksgiving, Kate.

You guys, what are you doing?

All right, fine.

We were at the mall and we stopped at a kiosk, to grab a soda.

A fountain soda-- it's always better when it's from the fountain.

With a little crushed ice, you know?

Just a normal weekday.

And there was a Thanksgiving parade,

and the turkey was the grand marshal.

Which was hilarious.

(laughing): It was really funny.

He had this little apron thing on, it said "grand marshal,"

and a little bow and a ribbon.

We got a good kick out of that.

But then, we realized

they were raffling him off for Thanksgiving dinner.

And I accidentally made eye contact with him.

Right, bud?

And all my fear of birds and my hatred of them,

and their disgusting-ness, kind of just went away.

And before I could stop myself,

I had named him in my head. Keith.

Sweet, sweet Keith. So you brought it here?

I couldn't let them kill him! You can't kidnap a turkey, Ben!

You have to bring it back to the mall... oh, my God.

He's looking right at me. Damn it.

Okay, I guess he could live in the backyard, probably,

if we made him a house.

Or if it gets cold at night, you could sleep in my bed...

He will bite you. I would be careful.

* Wake up, look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down, get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

(groaning)

(groans) Kate, can you pick this up?

I'm really sore.

I was just lifting weights this morning.

Oh, nice! Know what I use? Paint cans.

I go half-full, 'cause I don't want to get too bulky.

I'm loving the gym.

It's just become part of who I am.

You know what else is really good cardio?

Yeah? Waiting tables.

You should try it sometime.

She's so funny, isn't she?

Gobble, gobble, blond people.

And Tommy.

BEN & KATE: Soroush!

So, tomorrow night, it's going down, right?

Everyone's back in town, reunion time at Buddy's...

Why is that necessary? Why do we have to get drunk

the night before Thanksgiving, and talk about high school?

Yeah, and have to sit around and listen to all those stories

about the legendary Ben Fox.

Wait a minute, that's me!

(laughing)

I'm gonna hug so many people.

It's just an excuse for people to sit around

and brag about their husbands

and make the rest of us feel bad

for dating a guy who won't say the word "boyfriend."

Yeah, I might make it, but you know how I do.

If I make it at all, I'm gonna show up late.

Mm-hmm, yeah, you know how I do, too.

Like, you know, there's a end, and then I show up.

Whatever. Peace, pilgrims.

And Tommy.

Italian trench on a Persian?

So perfect!

Later. Damn.

Hey, Ben, this is super weird.

I keep getting mail to the house

addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Ben Fox.

Oh-ho, yeah. You know what?

I do this sometimes, for tax purposes.

This is kind of an inside joke

between me and the IRS, you know? Like...

The IRS is funny. Yeah, no, they're really good to...

I don't know-- I don't even want to talk about it; I know.

'Cause I gotta go see Will; I'm late.

I'm gonna go see my man.

So, he is... but we're not officially dating,

but we are... whatever.

I gotta go.

Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

(laughing): Right? Tax guys.

(laughter fades)

We need to tell her.

Tell her what?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

(laughing)

(whoops, laughs)

I can't believe we're doing this.

Congratulations.

This is the most wonderful day of your life.

Thank you.

I've never looked more beautiful.

Or we don't tell her, and wait till you die,

then I get all your stuff.

Tommy's my executor,

so you'll have to take it up with him.

WILL: Hey, can I ask you something?

KATE: Ask me what?

Is it okay if, uh, we don't do Thanksgiving together?

Of course, of course.

Yeah, you're with your daughter, I'm with mine.

Yeah, I mean... we don't even know what we're doing here.

Totally, I mean, (laughing): who need labels, right?

But let's hang out tomorrow, though. So, I have a thing--

an informal high school reunion sort of thing.

What?! I'm not going; I don't want to go.

Why would I have to go and talk about

what I've been up to for the past eight years?

"Oh, hey, how ya doin'?"

"Good to see ya!"

"Oh, yeah, I'm a single mom."

"Oh, you're a doctor?"

"That's great; I dropped out of college."

There's certain parts of my-my high school life

that I don't want to re-live, okay?

Okay, it was junior year, I was in Jesus Christ Superstar.

I love that musical!

Don't over-think it. So, I was Jesus...

Gender-blind girl Jesus-- suh-weet!

Back in the day, Ben used to play Jesus, too,

so everybody just assumed that I got the part because of him,

and when I say everybody, I mean Anna Lewis.

I hate her already. She thought she was a shoo-in for the part,

so there we all are,

it's opening night

and they are lifting me up

into what we called "full Jesus,"

and then, all of a sudden...

(screaming)

...she dropped me into some dude's junk.

Junk on the face, face in junk.

So Anna gave me the nickname...

"Nut Nose"? No.

Jesus Crotch Superstar?

Junkface. Junkface. Right.

She completely ruined high school for me.

That is it-- you gotta go. You gotta slay that dragon.

Oh, no. No, no, no. Mm-hmm.

I'm just saying if you don't deal with your past,

it's gonna be there forever.

So it is settled-- we are gonna slay that dragon.

We? What?

I mean, I just, I didn't say anything about, like, a "we,"

or an "us," or anything, but I mean, I guess, like,

if you're gonna go to the reunion,

I could, like, swing by.

I could just stop by.

Why are so dead-set against telling Kate?

So you needed a green card, so I married you.

You were vulnerable; I'm a hero.

It's a good story.

TOMMY: It's a great story.

Now, I already have two-thirds of the screenplay written.

I don't want to tell y'all my twist ending.

Okay, B.J. dies and then I marry Kate.

Sweet.

Look, now that I'm back in town,

I'm lying to her face.

I gotta come clean.

It's been seven years.

I think we may have missed our window slightly.

Oh, my God-- Soroush just tweeted

he's about to jump in the shower.

Wow, he's taking his sweet time

to get ready for the reunion, huh?

Why do you care so much about Soroush?

Because making a big entrance in high school,

wearing something awesome, was my thing.

Then we graduated and started having these reunions,

and Soroush made it his thing.

Wow. You need to relax.

Take a shower, get dressed.

In what, Ben?

A tux? A tux jacket with jeans?

You're in a freefall.

You're right. What am I gonna wear?

A T-shirt tux with a tux jacket?

Uncle Ben, can you check my report?

Yeah. Let me see it.

"The Person I Admire the Most, by Maddie Fox."

That's cute.

Kind of a long title, though.

"The person I admire the most is my Uncle Ben."

That-a-girl.

"My Uncle Ben is honest...

and he's nice..."

(voice breaking): "He takes care of me and my mom."

(crying)

Ooh, this is tricky in more ways than one.

Okay, let's pick it up.

"He takes care of me and my mom..."

"and the... (mutters)

"and he can do all the animal noises.

except for frogs."

It's so true. I don't know why it's so easy.

Ribbet.

It's like I want to go down into this weird regist...

(deep voice): Ribbet.

(crying): Ribbet...

I always had a problem with it.

That's why it hurts.

That's a really good first pass.

I would try to incorporate my notes.

You know, maybe look at the title.

Can I go play now?

Yeah. Play while you can, little one.

(Maddie laughing) Get the hell out of here.

Where are you going?

I'm going to talk to Kate.

I can't lie to her anymore.

You heard Maddie-- I'm honest.

And I'm nice.

And I can't do frog sounds worth a damn.

That's who I am!

(laughing): This is great!

Huh?

Come on.

I don't think I can, I don't think I can do this.

No, I know you're nervous, but you shouldn't be. What do I do?

These people are all your friends.

Just remember that.

They're not my friends. Yes.

Hello, Kate Fox.

Donovan! Oh, you remembered my name.

Unlike remembering to RSVP to my pool party in the 11th grade?

Oh... man.

Well, I'm really sorry.

I guess just... put me down as a "no."

Apology accepted.

Weight lifted.

Good evening to you both.

Good... evening.

DONOVAN: Hey, Chip, about that pool party...

He slayed the dragon; you can, too.

Hey!

Ah. Hi.

You brought him. That's great.

Would you mind getting us a drink?

Aren't you working? Mm-hmm.

Okay. Vodka tonic.

Thank you. Just help yourself.

Hmm, interesting move.

Why? What?

How are you going to introduce him? Oh, my God. What do I say?

You can't say "boyfriend" before he does.

Well, then, I call him what?

Like, this is my date. No.

This is my friend... No.

This is my neighbor with whom Yeah.

I have been sleeping with a lot. WILL: Here we go.

Ooh! Hey, there's... the big guy.

Big guy.

That is... (mouthing)

Oh, my God, there's Anna. Here we go.

All right, it's game time. No, it's not game time.

Oh, yeah, it's game time. It's not game time.

Yeah. Here we go. No, it's not.

Okay... No.

You look at little tense. I am.

Just shake it out. Okay.

Ready? Shake it out. Shake it out.

Shake it out. Shake it out.

Oh! I can't believe it's been so long.

You look, you look amazing. Thank you.

Hello, Anna.

Kate! Hi!

Oh! Oh, weird, hugging. Ugh.

This is the guy that came with me here.

I'm-I'm Will.

Hello, Will. Hi.

So, why don't I go get us another drink,

so you two can talk? That would be great.

Stay focused. Got it.

So... how have you been?

Why'd you give me that nickname in high school?

What?! What-what are you talking about?

You called me... I'm not gonna say it.

I know what you're trying to do.

You gave me a nickname; it was a very unfortunate nickname.

It doesn't sound like something I would do.

Maybe if I heard the nickname, it would... ring a bell.

Oh!

You are smarter than you look.

Didn't think you were gonna play it that way.

I'm not playing anything. Seriously, Anna?

Seriously. Seriously?

Seriously.

Okay, great! Awesome. So good to see you.

I like your sparkles. Bye.

(all cheering)

Hey, Donovan!

Yeah, I'd love to catch up.

I gotta go find my sister. Okay.

Why? What are you doing here?

Truth is welling up inside me.

I can't keep lying to her.

Of course you can.

It's easy; she's so gullible.

Fine, then divorce me. No.

Why? Because I...

The green card sitch.

It's really complicated, Ben. Marrying you

prevented me from being able to leave California.

I had to bail

on my import-import business

that I had lined up in Indonesia.

We were gonna be all imports.

Who else was doing that? Absolutely no one.

Wait a minute, it's been seven years.

Shouldn't you have your green card by now?

Yeah, but the thing is, I lost half of it.

That doesn't even make sense.

I just got half.

It's out of the...

It's the bit that says "green."

How can you lose half?

You don't even...

What? Oh, my God.

What?

You're in love with me.

This makes so much sense.

You became my wife on paper,

and then it took root in your heart.

No. And it blossomed

like a... like a beautiful flowering bush of love.

No. Yeah, and the bush has so many thorns

because you're so scared.

I'm not, Ben. You're scared of pollination.

That big manly bumblebee

coming and finding that stamen

and just pollinating the crap out of it.

Please stop stroking my arm.

So, how does it feel?

She said she didn't remember.

Huh, so that's how she's gonna play it.

I know it sucks, but what am I gonna do?

It's really stupid. You know what's stupid? She is.

You're gonna march on over there,

and you're gonna make her remember.

Will, what is your deal with all of this?

Let's do this.

What... Okay, this is happening.

Ben, the idea of being with you romantically

has never even crossed my mind, ever.

Even at my drunkest,

darkest...

hungriest, most disorientated, Okay.

homeless, depressed, lost.

Okay. Never, Ben.

I see what you're doing here, okay?

It's good we put up a protective shield,

you know, so that we're not vulnerable.

Never. No, I'm sure. Listen, Beatrice Jones...

Oh, how dare you use my real name.

We're family now.

We're lovers.

We're inside each other always.

Whoo!

Soroush in the house!

What?!

He's already here?!

(phone rings) Talk to me, Ben.

Two big headlines: BJ's in love with me

and Soroush is here.

What's he wearing? Nothing special.

Just jeans and a white T-shirt.

Ben, I need you to listen to me.

What is on his T-shirt? Does it have a small graphic?

Does it say something in Japanese?

No, no.

He just looks like a normal dude.

He showed up at a normal time looking normal?

TOMMY: It's a comment; it's a post-fashion fashion.

He's basically the Persian Andy Warhol.

Okay, you got to drop Maddie off with your mom and get over here.

Maddie, we have to rethink everything.

Give me some ideas.

Lose the fro.

Oh, come on, just admit it.

Will, please.

I honestly don't remember saying anything about you.

Maybe you should move on.

(chuckles) I'm sorry, I should move on?

Yeah, you know, I am sorry, Anna,

but your performance is just not convincing,

which is probably why she got the part of Girl Jesus.

I didn't get the part because of her brother.

Oh, come on. There you are.

I need to talk to you. No.

Not right now, Ben.

Perfect. Would you please explain

to your sister that the only reason

she got Jesus was because of you?

No, she got that part fair and square. (Anna scoffs)

That is not true. Yes, it is.

You know, I think there's only one way

we can settle this as adults.

And that's a sing-off... right now.

Yeah. KATE: No!

Mm-hmm. No, no, no, no, no.

I haven't really performed in a while.

Oh-ho, it sounds like somebody's just a little scared.

* I don't know

* How to love him

* What to do

* How to move him

* I've been changed

* Yes, really changed

* In these past few days

* When I've seen myself

* I seem like someone...

* ...Moves me

* He's a man

* He's just a man...

* ...I love him

* So.

Yes! Yes! No.

No.

(applause, whooping)

Thank you for that. I am not doing that.

You have to out-sing Anna, okay?

Do you know "Send in the Clowns" 'cause I can help you.

Stop it. This is ridiculous.

We're all waiting

for your big showstopper, Kate.

I'm not doing this.

I don't care about a stupid sing-off.

The hell you don't.

You got to sing for your life.

You got to punch Anna in the face

with your vocal cords.

This is your moment!

Guys, she doesn't want to do it.

I am not gonna sing.

You need to do this to prove to her

that even though I got you that part,

you're still the best Jesus ever.

Wait, you did get me that part?

I knew it!

Yeah, sorry, dude.

* Jesus Christ...

* Superstar...

* How do you know what they say you are? *

What are you doing? Stop! What are you doing?

* Jesus Christ, Superstar Put me down, you guys!

* How do you know... This is not what I want right now. Hi.

Hey, everybody!

Damn.

Tight entrance.

Gobble, gobble, turkey.

Ow!

(screams)

(gasping)

(applause)

Nice landing, Junkface.

(giggles) Junkface.

I used to be called that.

Kate, where are you going?

I'm going home, so I can get Maddie

And pack a bag and go to Mexico

so I never have to see those people ever again.

Kate... How could you embarrass me like that?

I was just trying to help.

Why? Why are you trying to help me?

I never asked you to do that.

All night long, you've been trying

to fight my battles for me.

What, do you think I'm gonna break?

You think I'm some fragile flower?

No. You think I can't stand up for myself?

No! Then what is your problem, Will?

I'm just trying to defend my girlfriend.

What's wrong with that?

What?

(giggling): What?

Did you just call me your...

Did you just say "girlfriend"?

Um, yeah,

I guess I've been...

going crazy trying to defend you

because you're my girlfriend.

Right?

(door opens) ANNA: Hey, are you leaving?

Oh, my God, this girl. 'Cause you just got junk in your face.

Don't you want to stay and enjoy it?

Okay, you distract her; I'm gonna go key her car.

No, I got this.

I need you to listen to me

because this is the last conversation

you and I are ever gonna have.

You have an amazing voice.

Like, Broadway caliber,

and you are super-duper pretty,

but you are so sad.

And you can go ahead and call me Junkface

however many times you want.

I don't care. You know why?

Because I love my life.

I love it so much.

I have the most beautiful daughter,

and I have amazing friends,

and I have a boyfriend.

(giggles)

This guy.

Have you seen this?

I mean, are you kidding me?

This is like,

the hunkiest babe-man ever.

Well... This is my boyfriend.

Hello?

My God. (giggles)

Good-bye, Anna.

This is the part where you go home.

Oh, my God, that was bad-ass. Oh...!

So after we went and dropped Keith off

at the wild turkey preserve-- and that's not just

a metaphor for heaven;

there is an actual wild turkey preserve--

I went to the grocery store and I got this one.

What's this turkey's name?

Steven.

(clinking glass)

I want to make a toast.

(sighs)

It's probably gonna be really mushy,

and Tommy is probably

gonna cry.

Yeah, probably.

So, looking around the table,

I am just so

incredibly happy

and thankful that I get

to spend Thanksgiving with you guys.

I love you so much.

I love you, too, Kate.

I know.

Thank you. Yeah.

And no matter what happens ever,

I never feel alone,

and I'm really

thankful for you,

even though you guys aren't even my real family.

I am, actually.

Um...

Wha-What do you mean?

I'm your sister, Kate.

(chuckles)

(sighs heavily)

(laughs) Okay.

What are you talking about?

Ben and I are married.

Are you kidding me?

I've been trying to tell her for two days.

KATE: Oh, my God!

We didn't want to tell you

because we thought you'd freak out.

I am! I am freaking out!

What are you talking about?

Seven years ago, I told Ben that he needed

to marry me so I could get a green card.

I thought you had dual citizenship.

I do. I do. You do?

Then why did you say that you needed a green card?

You hadn't told Ben that you were pregnant,

and he was about to leave for Indonesia.

So I used the old green card thing

so he couldn't leave California.

Just because I thought it would be nice

if you needed him, 'cause then he would be closer.

BJ, I...

That's the nicest thing

anybody's ever done for me.

Are you kidding me?!

Seriously? You tricked me?

Yeah, I did,

but this is exactly why I told you not to tell her,

because I knew that if you told her,

that she would tell you how I had told her once,

when I was drunk, that I'm actually from Texas.

ALL: You are?

I know. Who knew?

It's the accent, I know.

BJ, I would have

stayed in California.

I didn't need to commit a felony.

This is the beauty of it, Ben, because it's not

actually illegal to marry someone

for their green card if they don't get

the green card.

So, our sham marriage is a sham?

Exactly.

But are we still married? Absolutely.

It's the perfect crime.

There is no crime.

This is insane. I'm so mad,

and I don't even really know why.

Marriage is tough, Ben.

I've told you that. Anyway, the point is,

I did a really nice thing.

Because we're sisters.

No. No. Yeah.

Ow...

Are you guys getting divorced?

BEN: What?

No, of course not. No, no, no, no.

No, we love each other.

Yeah. Yeah.

BEN: Come on. Okay.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving.