Original subtitles

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Not really. Just saying what I'm supposed to.

Not a great day to be late,

'cause a certain somebody-- our boss-- decided to show up.

But don't worry, I covered for you.

Oh, look who it is.

What you doing here?

I... own here.

Yeah, you do.

You do something different with your hair?

Slept on it. What happened to yours?

(chuckles) I like that.

You know why men go bald, don't you?

Excess of testosterone.

My hair didn't stand a chance.

And I'm surprised you have eyebrows.

Oh, I've got them, all right.

All over the place.

Are you kidding? He's Buddy, and he's married.

And, also, he's our boss.

And, also, he's Buddy-- ew!

His divorce finally went through.

So? He's asked me out tonight.

No. Shh-shh.

("Cherry Pie" by Warrant playing)

(sighs)

I played this song. So what?

* She's my cherry pie

* Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise *

* Tastes so good, make a grown man cry *

* Sweet cherry pie, yeah!

No. No. Ow.

* Wake up

* Look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down

* Get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

Only nine short weeks,

and my Rocksumo knives have arrived.

I'm gonna be able to cut through so much stuff. Ooh.

Check this out. This came for you.

Pretty fancy paper stock, huh?

Rocksumo!

"Tyler Swanson turns six."

Not really grabbing me with that headline.

Bouncy house!

Nice save,

Tyler Swanson!

I hate bouncy houses.

What? They're scary.

What?! Mom said they cause

more than 3,000 injuries per year.

If we didn't do

scary stuff, we'd miss out

on some of the best things in life.

Like, for example,

using an Indonesian-made Japanese-style knife

to cut through this VCR.

Let's fact-check this infomercial, shall we?

I don't know about this.

(cell phone ringing) KATE: Hey, Ben.

BEN: Okay, don't freak out.

What did you do?

Well, Maddie may or may not

end up with, like, a small forehead scar.

Are you there?

I told you, she's fine.

I'm sure she's not the first person to be

nicked in the head by a flying rewind mechanism.

I'm gonna get you a bandage.

Why is this so light?

Why is there so much stuff missing from my emergency kit?

Why are you looking at me?

Okay, and go!

It was a lesson in physics, Kate.

Ben, now that you're living with us--

and again, welcome to our home--

I need to know that you're gonna be

prepared for emergencies like this.

(cell phone ringing)

Louise. Wow.

(hushed): Louise? What?!

Hang up the phone!

Ben, hang up the phone!

Listen, now's not a great time.

Ben, she's crazy! Hang up the phone!

Uh, 'cause my niece just cut her forehead

and they may have to amputate.

Yeah, so let's touch base if and when she pulls through.

Okay? Bye!

I thought you were done with Louise.

I am.

But I may have kind of

hooked up with her a little bit.

Oh, dude, you relapsed?

With your crazy ex-girlfriend?

Kate, a man has needs. I need to know

that you're not gonna be distracted by this.

I need to know that you can handle anything.

Like what? Choking, second 9/11,

sudden swelling of the tongue. That's easy.

Same answer for all of them: I'd rely on my instincts,

and for everything else, duct tape.

KATE: I don't know.

Maybe I'm just overreacting.

Oh, you are under reacting.

If Louise is back in the picture,

his judgment has already been compromised.

I know! Oh, my God, that's what I'm saying.

They're bad together, Kate, like orange juice and peppermints.

Exactly. And I can't have that around Maddie.

I wish I could just, like,

ask you to go over there

and check it out and make sure everything's all right.

Whoa. Okay, I cannot spy on Ben for you.

That crosses so many lines for me.

I know. That's why I would never ask you.

That would be wrong... to do that for me.

So wrong. I mean... to do it for you would be betrayal.

I know.

But if I did it for me...

Well, that would be a completely different thing.

It would be almost heroic.

Tommy, that would be super heroic.

Are you watching? This part's important.

Okay, in the event of attack, always head for higher ground.

MADDIE: Mom's scared of zombies.

I know.

That's why it's insane that she thinks

she's more prepared than I am.

Plus, she's a blonde, so if zombies ever did attack,

you know she'd get eaten in the first five minutes, anyway.

Right?

Totally.

(doorbell rings)

What if it's a zombie? That's why you always look

before you open the...

Oh! (laughs)

Hey. Hey. Hi!

Louise.

Oh... mmm...

Okay.

Hello, Benjamin.

(both chuckle)

Oh...

Now is not a great time.

Yeah, I'm babysitting my niece,

and I'm 100% focused on her, so...

You look really good.

Oh, thanks.

(chuckles)

I've been kind of working out a little bit.

I can tell. Yeah.

I've been eating these Chia seeds, too.

They help make me super lean.

They're working.

Thank you.

I feel, I feel really...

What am I doing?

Look, I promised Kate

that I would be focused on Maddie tonight.

That's fine. I understand.

I just came to get my sweatshirt.

Oh. Uh, yeah, sure.

You can just go around back and get it.

Okay. So...

I'll just grab the sweatshirt.

Yeah, so maybe just grab it

and take off quick. All by myself.

And I'll see you later!

Hey, guys, I just stopped by to grab

my racket before I head into work.

But I might as well eat this granola bar

that I have in my pocket.

Dude, why are you acting so weird?

Wait.

Oh, no.

"Made in a facility that processes..."

Tommy, no.

(coughing) No.

Uh, we knew this day would come.

Maddie, Tommy has a severe peanut allergy,

and he's gonna be in real trouble if we don't, um, um...

Wait, what do we do?

What do we do again? I'm call 911.

Hold on, buddy. You're gonna be fine, okay?

You know, I-I can't lie to you.

I don't feel like my performance was up to par.

Started off so big, so I had nowhere to really go.

Kate put me up to it.

There's no peanuts in this.

What? She didn't believe

that you can use your instincts to really help you

in an emergency, Ben. Unbelievable!

I can't believe she doesn't trust me!

Hey.

I just installed a web-cam. Guess where.

Not in your shower. That'd be weird.

Uh, okay, this is not what it looks like.

I know a lot of people say that,

but in some cases, like, statistically,

it has to be true.

Where are your pants?

In the car, in case I have to go someplace fancy.

Hey, Tommy.

Hey, Louise.

You guys, the Three Musketeers

are back together.

Oh, I wish we had swords.

Okay, you need to go home. Do you guys want to

go in on a ski cabin this year?

Okay, bye!

Okay, that was unfortunate and completely not my fault.

So there's no reason to tell Kate she was here, right?

Come on!

I swear I didn't know she'd show up, okay?

I can't help it! I'm adorable!

Fine. I won't tell her,

but I hate being in the middle of you guys.

I get it. I completely understand.

That's why I'm not gonna ask for your help

in trying to teach Kate a lesson

about being prepared for emergencies.

Yeah, because you asking me to help with that would be wrong.

It'd be so wrong.

But... if I wanted to help you, that would be different.

Yeah... I guess that would be different.

I-I'd kind of be, like, a hero.

You'd be kind of, like... a superhero.

Let's do this.

What do you want me to do?

(Ben and Tommy scream)

I want you to go home!

What are you doing here?

Where's Maddie? She's with

your double agent Tommy. So you don't trust me?

I don't know. How's Louise?

I don't know how Louise is.

Unless you've talked to Tommy, in which case, she's fine.

When are you gonna give her a break?

She's not that bad.

She's nuts.

She's unpredictable.

I don't want her around Maddie.

Ben, Maddie's like my heart.

Walking around in the world, outside my body.

That doesn't even make sense, Kate.

'Cause, I mean, you'd die instantly.

Having your heart... Exactly, Ben.

When it comes to her,

there's no such thing as being too careful.

I love Maddie, too.

I would never want anything to happen to her.

But you can't prepare for everything.

So you're saying that I should just throw away

the emergency kit and never give her a flu shot?

Flu shot?

I eat 15 organic blackberries a day.

Do the math; I'm immortal.

What do you think? Is it too long?

I can make it shorter. What do you think?

You like like him.

What?

You've never asked me that question before.

Because most of the time, I don't care what you think.

Obviously, this dress is a showstopper.

Don't you-- do you think?

Obviously. Exactly!

Okay, listen, I think that maybe since you

like like Buddy,

maybe you shouldn't sleep with him tonight.

'Cause then that's all it'll ever be.

Interesting argument.

Quick counterpoint:

I'm extraordinarily good at sex and I like it.

A lot.

Fine. I'll give it a--

But I'm not-- no promises.

(whispers): Maddie, I want you to get up,

but I hate being woken up suddenly.

So, first, I'm gonna whisper,

(louder): and then my voice is gonna gradually build in volume

until I'm talking in a normal voice like this.

And you are awake!

Maddie, get up.

What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

You know how your mom thinks she's prepared for everything?

She said you would ask me that.

Yeah, well, tonight, I'm gonna teach her

a lesson about all of that.

So if you hear or see anything weird,

nothing scary is happening, okay?

Okay. Sleep well.

BUDDY: So you want to head out and get some dinner?

You want to try the Marrakech Grill?

Yeah, I can't go there.

They think I'm Stanley Finkelstein.

Who? Yeah.

He's a high-level inspector

at the Department of Health.

He does surprise inspections,

then he turns a blind eye for a comped meal.

Seriously? Yeah.

I don't go to a restaurant without bringing this.

Little shard of glass in the breadbasket, huh?

It's really sharp.

This'll set you up all night. Uh-huh.

(glass rattling)

Wait a minute, you-you found a screw in your hamburger here.

Was that...?

But why? What's the angle?

You work here, you eat for free. I know.

I just...

I guess it was for fun.

F-Fun?

Yeah.

You're incredible.

I know. I've never met

an Australian woman like you.

Yeah?

That's great.

What do you say we get out of here, huh?

Mm-hmm. Go put some glass in our food.

I'd love to.

Emergency, emergency! Wake up, wake up!

What? What? What happened?

Everything.

This is the mother of all emergency drills.

The power is out, the cell phones don't work.

I even had to board up the windows

to keep them from getting at us.

Is that real wood? Yeah. You know that house

that's foreclosed down the street?

I just popped off all the siding

and just put it up on the windows.

This is a rental house. Whatever.

You may or may not get your security deposit back.

But that's for another time.

Who is "them"?

Kate, they're coming to get us.

Oh, you're proving a point.

Yeah. That you can't be prepared for everything.

Admit that and we can all go back to bed.

Well, what if I pass this test, Ben?

Kate... What then?

Then will you take this stuff more seriously?

Will you maybe do some actual emergency drills with me?

I will do you one better: I will become an ENT.

An ear, nose and throat doctor?

Yeah.

No. EMT. You know what I mean.

Are you in?

I'm so in, I'm back out again.

I just meant I'm in.

BEN: Really, Kate? We're in the middle of a living nightmare,

and your first move is to come to the kitchen?

Uh-oh. Where did those candles go?

Maybe they got obliterated when the sun melted.

I got these babies stashed all over the house.

Whatever.

What are you gonna do for food?

Just a little bit of this.

Baked, black or pinto?

Secret beans.

Okay, whatever. Did not see that coming.

But nobody remembers to bring the can opener-- damn it!

I'm gonna go do a load of whites in the toilet tank.

Clean and dry socks prevent gangrene, Ben.

Okay, that's the least of your worries.

What if some crazy, contagious person

stumbles in and infects all of us?

Hey, Tommy.

Hey.

Tommy, you were supposed to

come in through the window.

I was going to, Ben, but then I realized

that me climbing through the window at night,

that's like a one-way ticket to a candlelight vigil

that turns into a riot.

Well, I got particulate respirator masks for everybody.

One of those was for you.

That seemed unnecessary.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Okay, look, Ben,

seeing as I'm gonna continue

to ace all of these tests,

could we at least please

turn the power back on before

all the food spoils?

In a real emergency situation...

I got you ice cream sandwiches; they're gonna melt.

Feel like I've proven my point.

We can get that power back on,

probably, right?

You can't unplug

a circuit breaker, Ben.

This handful of wires begs to differ.

(whispers): Stupid.

Son of a mother! Hello, Ben.

How's the fake emergency going?

You need to go home, okay?

I mean...

You look fantastic. Look at those stems.

Thank you so much. Why are you not wearing pants?

Want to come and see? Yeah, we could probably-- No!

KATE (in distance): Ben, what's happening?

Can you fix the circuit breaker? Uh, no!

Don't come back here!

There's a raccoon!

He's gotten into the wiring and he's really big!

You need to stay here, okay?

I will get you out of here when I can.

Ben, I want to help out with the drill.

Maybe I can go in the house and break some glass,

and we can see if Kate has emergency shoes.

Don't break anything.

I won't. I promise.

Maybe just one thing.

What?

I said, "I love you, Ben."

(quietly): Damn it.

Dude, Weesu-Lay is still here.

Who's Weesu-Lay?

It's Louise. I was using pig Latin.

No, 'cause then it would be Ouise-Lay.

Weesu-Lay. Ouise-Lay.

I checked on Maddie, and she's fine.

Exactly!

That's what I've been trying to tell everyone.

There's nothing to worry about.

I'm here now. Everybody can relax.

I got everything under control.

(crash in distance) What was that?

That was the raccoon.

Yeah.

Probably best just to let him tire himself out.

I'm on it.

Why are we doing this?

Kate, the point is, you're gonna make

Maddie scared of everything.

Someday, she's gonna head out into the world

and she's gonna cut her head,

and there's nothing you're gonna be able to do about it.

But the best thing is to send her out there

knowing that she's got a safety net.

You don't understand what it feels like.

You're not a parent.

Yeah, I'm not a milkman either,

but I know how yogurt is made.

No, you don't. Yeah, I do.

How's yogurt made? Well, I don't know,

like, what the procedure is.

I know there's acidophilus that is involved, you know.

It has to do with cultures, Kate!

Nobody ask me about tonight.

I don't want to talk about it.

Why is it so romantic in here?

Because the power's out and all our food's going bad

and we're being attacked by contagious zombies.

BJ: So, anyway, it was on.

As in, on.

And we're on our way back to his house,

and then I hear your stupid voice in my head

telling me not to sleep with him.

I panic and get him to drop me off here.

This is good. This means that he'll just want you even more.

It's a nightmare.

(knocking on door)

What? He wants me more now.

No. Now in your house.

No.

Uh, my car broke down. Can I use your phone?

Ah... power's out.

Are you sure you didn't leave it in drive?

That happened to me once.

I was up in Modesto,

and I was checking out this wind farm.

And I, like, parked on a hill and...

(whispers): My car didn't break down, dude!

Okay? Now, which is the most soundproof room in this place?

Because this guy is a screamer.

Stanley Finkelstein.

Surprise inspection.

(whispers): Go ahead. Go ahead.

Please stay away from my room.

Mark it.

I'm not peeing on my door, dude.

(chuckles)

Hey, there. Hey.

Hi. So I used the old

"my car broke down" gambit

in order to sleep with you.

I love that gambit. Mm-hmm.

It is a classic.

I am not going to sleep with you.

Interesting play. Yeah, I don't even know why.

I do not get it, at all.

Me, neither. No, not for a second.

But, uh, I like it. Yeah. Yeah? You do?

Huh. I really thought I was gonna sleep with you.

Yeah? Well, me, too.

All right, I'm gonna go. Definitely.

Yeah. Yeah.

And, um...

Yeah?

Maybe next time, I should bring the shards of glass, huh?

Maybe bring along a jar of dead bugs.

Would you like that?

I'd really like that. Yeah.

(crash in distance) What was that?

I don't know. I didn't do it.

Maddie's asleep. What could it be?

The raccoon. Ben...

That's better. LOUISE: You're welcome!

There's a party and I wasn't invited?

What are you doing here?

When did you become an electrician?

God, you're so complicated.

Eh, maybe just a little nuts

and broke into our house.

Of course I'm good with electricity.

I'm an Aquarius.

And I was a lesbian for two years.

I remember that.

BJ?

Hi.

Hi.

What a blast from the past.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

I've been doing stuff,

just started Pilates, so...

I kind of feel like I'm a bit strong-- got a bit leaner.

It's wonderful to see you.

Oh, Kate,

I'm actually looking for a new bed,

and your mattress is so comfortable.

What is that?

Pillow top? Memory foam?

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Okay. I need to tell you something.

Louise was the raccoon.

I knew that she was the raccoon, Ben.

(sighs): Ooh.

That felt good to get off my shoulders.

I'm sorry for keeping that from you.

I promise you, I did not think it was an actual raccoon.

Yes, maybe this wasn't

the... you know, most efficient way to prove my point.

I mean, should I have boarded up the doors,

as well as the windows? Yes.

Is this the worst emergency drill ever?

Jury's still out.

No, I think the jury's in.

And it's unanimous.

Nothing bad happened.

You need to relax, okay?

Everything is cool.

I hate you.

Uh, where's Maddie?

I went to say good-bye to her,

and she's not there. What?! What?!

Maddie!

Maddie! Maddie!

Maddie?

(singsong): Maddie?

Where is she, where is she, where is she?!

Maddie, where are you? Maddie!

BEN: Maddie! KATE: Maddie?

Where is she?!

Maddie? (ceiling creaks)

You guys, I hear something.

I think it's in the ceiling.

ALL: Maddie?

Where are you? (ceiling creaks)

What is that sound?

MADDIE: Mommy, I'm up here. I'm okay.

BEN: Oh, thank God!

Oh, my God.

I was so worried about you.

What are you doing up there, baby?

I found the highest point in the house,

so the zombies don't get me.

But now I can't get down.

I'm gonna get the ladder, okay?

TOMMY: Uh, Kate, you know

how ladders are sometimes

used to rescue people, like in this situation?

Well, Ben and I broke the ladder.

It's not that far.

Ben and I will catch you, okay?

I don't want to jump.

Jumping causes 3,000 injuries per year.

(laughs) Is that an impression of you?

That is amazing. MADDIE: I'm scared.

We've never practiced this before.

KATE: I know.

And it's my fault that you think that way.

But sometimes you're gonna have to do things

that you're afraid of and you're not gonna be prepared,

but that's okay. Wait, hold on.

I mean, let's not knock being prepared.

I am trying to

talk her down right now, Ben.

Look, baby, I get scared sometimes,

and I don't feel brave at all.

But when you have people around you

who love you more than anything, you just have to trust

that they're gonna be there to catch you,

and you got to just jump, feet first.

You don't literally mean feet first, though,

'cause I think that would be really hard to catch her.

Yeah, what's the metaphor I'm looking for?

TOMMY: Look before you leap. No. You know, uh, uh,

it's all downhill from here. No.

Onwards and upwards. That would make her jump up.

It's like you're flying up... Reach for the stars!

It's the same thing. It's the same going-up motion.

I don't know. Let her fall.

Okay, just jump, baby.

We got you. Come on.

We love you. Come on, Maddie.

We got you. We're not gonna let you fall.

We're all here for you. Come on, baby. We love you.

Okay, careful!

No tricks, no flips, okay?

I got you something.

Bandages for your emergency kit.

Ben, these are for getting rid of warts.

It says "warts" in big letters

right there, and there. Oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no, no. I-I asked her to come.

(sighs, splutters) Hey, Louise.

We need to talk.

Those two are adorable.

I mean... No.

BJ: Look at that. I'm gonna disagree with you.

What was that? What? What?

It's just a good-bye kiss.

How else am I supposed to get my message across?

I get it.

Tommy, are you holding keys?

Do you want to buy Maddie's glass eye or should I?

Want to come in? Yeah.

B-By the way,

sometimes bouncing makes me vomit.

Just so you know.

Hey.

That's so cute. That's so cute.

(air hissing)

Okay, have fun.

It's good seeing you.

KATE: Okay. Okay.

Okay, everybody out.

(laughing, squealing)

Okay, okay, don't panic. BEN: What's happening?! Maddie?!