All language subtitles for Ben.And.Kate.S01E05_English

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Not really. Just saying
what I'm supposed to.

Not a great day
to be late,

'cause a certain somebody--
our boss-- decided to show up.

But don't worry,
I covered for you.

Oh, look who it is.

What you doing here?

I... own here.

Yeah, you do.

You do something
different with your hair?

Slept on it.
What happened to yours?

(chuckles)
I like that.

You know why men
go bald, don't you?

Excess of
testosterone.

My hair didn't
stand a chance.

And I'm surprised
you have eyebrows.

Oh, I've got
them, all right.

All over the place.

Are you kidding?
He's Buddy, and he's married.

And, also,
he's our boss.

And, also, he's
Buddy-- ew!

His divorce
finally went through.

So?
He's asked me
out tonight.

No.
Shh-shh.

("Cherry Pie"
by Warrant playing)

(sighs)

I played this song. So what?

* She's my cherry pie

* Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise *

* Tastes so good,
make a grown man cry *

* Sweet cherry pie, yeah!

No. No. Ow.

* Wake up

* Look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down

* Get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

Only nine short weeks,

and my Rocksumo
knives have arrived.

I'm gonna be able to cut
through so much stuff. Ooh.

Check this out.
This came for you.

Pretty fancy
paper stock, huh?

Rocksumo!

"Tyler Swanson
turns six."

Not really grabbing me
with that headline.

Bouncy house!

Nice save,

Tyler Swanson!

I hate bouncy houses.

What?
They're scary.

What?!
Mom said they cause

more than 3,000 injuries
per year.

If we didn't do

scary stuff, we'd miss out

on some of
the best things in life.

Like, for example,

using an Indonesian-made
Japanese-style knife

to cut through
this VCR.

Let's fact-check this
infomercial, shall we?

I don't know about this.

(cell phone ringing)
KATE: Hey, Ben.

BEN:
Okay, don't freak out.

What did you do?

Well, Maddie may or may not

end up with, like,
a small forehead scar.

Are you there?

I told you, she's fine.

I'm sure she's not
the first person to be

nicked in the head by
a flying rewind mechanism.

I'm gonna get
you a bandage.

Why is this so light?

Why is there so much stuff
missing from my emergency kit?

Why are you looking at me?

Okay, and go!

It was a lesson
in physics, Kate.

Ben, now that you're
living with us--

and again, welcome
to our home--

I need to know that
you're gonna be

prepared for emergencies
like this.

(cell phone ringing)

Louise. Wow.

(hushed):
Louise? What?!

Hang up the phone!

Ben, hang up the phone!

Listen, now's not a great time.

Ben, she's crazy!
Hang up the phone!

Uh, 'cause my niece
just cut her forehead

and they may have to amputate.

Yeah, so let's touch base
if and when she pulls through.

Okay? Bye!

I thought you were
done with Louise.

I am.

But I may
have kind of

hooked up with
her a little bit.

Oh, dude, you relapsed?

With your crazy
ex-girlfriend?

Kate, a man has needs.
I need to know

that you're not gonna be
distracted by this.

I need to know that
you can handle anything.

Like what?
Choking, second 9/11,

sudden swelling
of the tongue.
That's easy.

Same answer for all of them:
I'd rely on my instincts,

and for everything
else, duct tape.

KATE:
I don't know.

Maybe I'm just
overreacting.

Oh, you are under reacting.

If Louise is back
in the picture,

his judgment has
already been compromised.

I know! Oh, my God,
that's what I'm saying.

They're bad together, Kate, like
orange juice and peppermints.

Exactly. And I can't
have that around Maddie.

I wish I could
just, like,

ask you to
go over there

and check it out and make
sure everything's all right.

Whoa. Okay, I cannot
spy on Ben for you.

That crosses
so many lines for me.

I know. That's why I
would never ask you.

That would be wrong...
to do that for me.

So wrong. I mean... to do it
for you would be betrayal.

I know.

But if I did it for me...

Well, that would be a
completely different thing.

It would be almost heroic.

Tommy, that would
be super heroic.

Are you watching?
This part's important.

Okay, in the event of attack,
always head for higher ground.

MADDIE: Mom's scared
of zombies.

I know.

That's why it's insane
that she thinks

she's more prepared than I am.

Plus, she's a blonde,
so if zombies ever did attack,

you know she'd get eaten in
the first five minutes, anyway.

Right?

Totally.

(doorbell rings)

What if it's a zombie?
That's why you always look

before you open the...

Oh!
(laughs)

Hey. Hey.
Hi!

Louise.

Oh... mmm...

Okay.

Hello, Benjamin.

(both chuckle)

Oh...

Now is not a great time.

Yeah, I'm babysitting
my niece,

and I'm 100% focused
on her, so...

You look really good.

Oh, thanks.

(chuckles)

I've been kind of
working out a little bit.

I can tell.
Yeah.

I've been eating
these Chia seeds, too.

They help make me super lean.

They're working.

Thank you.

I feel, I feel really...

What am I doing?

Look, I promised Kate

that I would be focused
on Maddie tonight.

That's fine.
I understand.

I just came to get
my sweatshirt.

Oh. Uh, yeah, sure.

You can just go around back
and get it.

Okay.
So...

I'll just grab
the sweatshirt.

Yeah, so maybe just grab it

and take off quick.
All by myself.

And I'll see you later!

Hey, guys, I just
stopped by to grab

my racket before
I head into work.

But I might as well
eat this granola bar

that I have
in my pocket.

Dude, why are you
acting so weird?

Wait.

Oh, no.

"Made in a facility
that processes..."

Tommy, no.

(coughing)
No.

Uh, we knew this day
would come.

Maddie, Tommy has
a severe peanut allergy,

and he's gonna be in real
trouble if we don't, um, um...

Wait, what do we do?

What do we do again?
I'm call 911.

Hold on, buddy.
You're gonna be fine, okay?

You know, I-I
can't lie to you.

I don't feel like my
performance was up to par.

Started off so big, so I
had nowhere to really go.

Kate put me up to it.

There's no
peanuts in this.

What?
She didn't believe

that you can use your
instincts to really help you

in an emergency, Ben.
Unbelievable!

I can't believe
she doesn't trust me!

Hey.

I just installed a web-cam.
Guess where.

Not in your shower.
That'd be weird.

Uh, okay, this is not
what it looks like.

I know a lot of
people say that,

but in some cases, like,
statistically,

it has to be true.

Where are your pants?

In the car, in case
I have to go someplace fancy.

Hey, Tommy.

Hey, Louise.

You guys,
the Three Musketeers

are back together.

Oh, I wish we had swords.

Okay, you need to go home.
Do you guys want to

go in on a ski cabin
this year?

Okay, bye!

Okay, that was unfortunate
and completely not my fault.

So there's no reason to tell
Kate she was here, right?

Come on!

I swear I didn't know
she'd show up, okay?

I can't help it!
I'm adorable!

Fine. I won't
tell her,

but I hate being in
the middle of you guys.

I get it.
I completely understand.

That's why I'm not
gonna ask for your help

in trying to teach
Kate a lesson

about being prepared
for emergencies.

Yeah, because you asking me to
help with that would be wrong.

It'd be so wrong.

But... if I wanted to help you,
that would be different.

Yeah... I guess
that would be different.

I-I'd kind of be,
like, a hero.

You'd be kind of, like...
a superhero.

Let's do this.

What do you want me to do?

(Ben and Tommy scream)

I want you to go home!

What are you
doing here?

Where's Maddie?
She's with

your double agent Tommy.
So you don't trust me?

I don't know.
How's Louise?

I don't know how Louise is.

Unless you've talked to Tommy,
in which case, she's fine.

When are you gonna
give her a break?

She's not that bad.

She's nuts.

She's unpredictable.

I don't want her around Maddie.

Ben, Maddie's like my heart.

Walking around in the world,
outside my body.

That doesn't even
make sense, Kate.

'Cause, I mean,
you'd die instantly.

Having your heart...
Exactly, Ben.

When it comes to her,

there's no such thing
as being too careful.

I love Maddie, too.

I would never want
anything to happen to her.

But you can't prepare
for everything.

So you're saying that I
should just throw away

the emergency kit and
never give her a flu shot?

Flu shot?

I eat 15 organic
blackberries a day.

Do the math;
I'm immortal.

What do you think?
Is it too long?

I can make it shorter.
What do you think?

You like like him.

What?

You've never asked me
that question before.

Because most of the time,
I don't care what you think.

Obviously, this dress
is a showstopper.

Don't you-- do you think?

Obviously.
Exactly!

Okay, listen, I think
that maybe since you

like like Buddy,

maybe you shouldn't
sleep with him tonight.

'Cause then that's all
it'll ever be.

Interesting argument.

Quick counterpoint:

I'm extraordinarily
good at sex and I like it.

A lot.

Fine. I'll give it a--

But I'm not-- no promises.

(whispers): Maddie,
I want you to get up,

but I hate being
woken up suddenly.

So, first, I'm
gonna whisper,

(louder): and then my voice is
gonna gradually build in volume

until I'm talking in a
normal voice like this.

And you are awake!

Maddie, get up.

What's wrong?
Oh, nothing.

You know how your mom thinks
she's prepared for everything?

She said you would
ask me that.

Yeah, well, tonight,
I'm gonna teach her

a lesson about
all of that.

So if you hear or
see anything weird,

nothing scary
is happening, okay?

Okay.
Sleep well.

BUDDY: So you want to head out
and get some dinner?

You want to try the
Marrakech Grill?

Yeah, I can't go there.

They think
I'm Stanley Finkelstein.

Who?
Yeah.

He's a high-level inspector

at the Department of Health.

He does surprise inspections,

then he turns a blind eye
for a comped meal.

Seriously?
Yeah.

I don't go to a restaurant
without bringing this.

Little shard of glass
in the breadbasket, huh?

It's really sharp.

This'll set you up
all night.
Uh-huh.

(glass rattling)

Wait a minute, you-you found
a screw in your hamburger here.

Was that...?

But why?
What's the angle?

You work here,
you eat for free.
I know.

I just...

I guess it
was for fun.

F-Fun?

Yeah.

You're incredible.

I know.
I've never met

an Australian woman like you.

Yeah?

That's great.

What do you say
we get out of here, huh?

Mm-hmm.
Go put some glass
in our food.

I'd love to.

Emergency, emergency!
Wake up, wake up!

What? What?
What happened?

Everything.

This is the mother
of all emergency drills.

The power is out,
the cell phones don't work.

I even had to
board up the windows

to keep them
from getting at us.

Is that real wood?
Yeah. You know that house

that's foreclosed
down the street?

I just popped off
all the siding

and just put it up
on the windows.

This is a rental house.
Whatever.

You may or may not
get your security deposit back.

But that's for another time.

Who is "them"?

Kate, they're coming
to get us.

Oh, you're
proving a point.

Yeah. That you can't be
prepared for everything.

Admit that and we can
all go back to bed.

Well, what if I pass
this test, Ben?

Kate...
What then?

Then will you take this
stuff more seriously?

Will you maybe do some actual
emergency drills with me?

I will do you one better:
I will become an ENT.

An ear, nose and
throat doctor?

Yeah.

No. EMT.
You know what I mean.

Are you in?

I'm so in,
I'm back out again.

I just meant I'm in.

BEN: Really, Kate? We're in the
middle of a living nightmare,

and your first move
is to come to the kitchen?

Uh-oh. Where did
those candles go?

Maybe they got obliterated
when the sun melted.

I got these babies
stashed all over the house.

Whatever.

What are you gonna do for food?

Just a little bit of this.

Baked, black or pinto?

Secret beans.

Okay, whatever.
Did not see that coming.

But nobody remembers to bring
the can opener-- damn it!

I'm gonna go do a load
of whites in the toilet tank.

Clean and dry socks
prevent gangrene, Ben.

Okay, that's the least
of your worries.

What if some crazy,
contagious person

stumbles in and
infects all of us?

Hey, Tommy.

Hey.

Tommy, you were
supposed to

come in through the window.

I was going to, Ben,
but then I realized

that me climbing through
the window at night,

that's like a one-way ticket
to a candlelight vigil

that turns into a riot.

Well, I got particulate
respirator masks for everybody.

One of those was for you.

That seemed
unnecessary.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Okay, look, Ben,

seeing as I'm gonna continue

to ace all of these tests,

could we at least please

turn the power back on before

all the food spoils?

In a real emergency situation...

I got you ice cream sandwiches;
they're gonna melt.

Feel like I've proven my point.

We can get that
power back on,

probably, right?

You can't unplug

a circuit breaker, Ben.

This handful of wires
begs to differ.

(whispers):
Stupid.

Son of a mother!
Hello, Ben.

How's the fake emergency going?

You need to go home, okay?

I mean...

You look fantastic.
Look at those stems.

Thank you so much.
Why are you not
wearing pants?

Want to come and see?
Yeah, we could
probably-- No!

KATE (in distance):
Ben, what's happening?

Can you fix the
circuit breaker?
Uh, no!

Don't come back here!

There's a raccoon!

He's gotten into the wiring
and he's really big!

You need to
stay here, okay?

I will get you out
of here when I can.

Ben, I want to help out
with the drill.

Maybe I can go in the house
and break some glass,

and we can see if Kate has
emergency shoes.

Don't break anything.

I won't. I promise.

Maybe just one thing.

What?

I said, "I love you, Ben."

(quietly):
Damn it.

Dude, Weesu-Lay
is still here.

Who's Weesu-Lay?

It's Louise.
I was using pig Latin.

No, 'cause then it
would be Ouise-Lay.

Weesu-Lay.
Ouise-Lay.

I checked on Maddie,
and she's fine.

Exactly!

That's what I've been
trying to tell everyone.

There's nothing
to worry about.

I'm here now.
Everybody can relax.

I got everything under control.

(crash in distance)
What was that?

That was the raccoon.

Yeah.

Probably best just to let him
tire himself out.

I'm on it.

Why are we doing this?

Kate, the point is,
you're gonna make

Maddie scared
of everything.

Someday, she's gonna
head out into the world

and she's gonna
cut her head,

and there's nothing you're
gonna be able to do about it.

But the best thing is
to send her out there

knowing that she's
got a safety net.

You don't understand
what it feels like.

You're not a parent.

Yeah, I'm not a
milkman either,

but I know how
yogurt is made.

No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.

How's yogurt made?
Well, I don't know,

like, what the
procedure is.

I know there's acidophilus
that is involved, you know.

It has to do
with cultures, Kate!

Nobody ask me
about tonight.

I don't want to
talk about it.

Why is it so
romantic in here?

Because the power's out
and all our food's going bad

and we're being attacked
by contagious zombies.

BJ: So, anyway,
it was on.

As in, on.

And we're on our way
back to his house,

and then I hear your
stupid voice in my head

telling me not to
sleep with him.

I panic and get him
to drop me off here.

This is good. This means that
he'll just want you even more.

It's a nightmare.

(knocking on door)

What?
He wants me more now.

No.
Now in your house.

No.

Uh, my car broke down.
Can I use your phone?

Ah... power's out.

Are you sure you didn't
leave it in drive?

That happened to me once.

I was up in Modesto,

and I was checking
out this wind farm.

And I, like, parked
on a hill and...

(whispers):
My car didn't break down, dude!

Okay? Now, which is the most
soundproof room in this place?

Because this guy
is a screamer.

Stanley Finkelstein.

Surprise inspection.

(whispers):
Go ahead. Go ahead.

Please stay away
from my room.

Mark it.

I'm not peeing
on my door, dude.

(chuckles)

Hey, there.
Hey.

Hi.
So I used the old

"my car broke down" gambit

in order to sleep with you.

I love that gambit.
Mm-hmm.

It is a classic.

I am not going to
sleep with you.

Interesting play.
Yeah, I don't
even know why.

I do not get it, at all.

Me, neither.
No, not for a second.

But, uh, I like it. Yeah.
Yeah? You do?

Huh. I really thought
I was gonna sleep with you.

Yeah? Well, me, too.

All right, I'm gonna go.
Definitely.

Yeah.
Yeah.

And, um...

Yeah?

Maybe next time, I should
bring the shards of glass, huh?

Maybe bring along
a jar of dead bugs.

Would you like that?

I'd really like that.
Yeah.

(crash in distance)
What was that?

I don't know.
I didn't do it.

Maddie's asleep.
What could it be?

The raccoon.
Ben...

That's better.
LOUISE:
You're welcome!

There's a party
and I wasn't invited?

What are you doing here?

When did you become
an electrician?

God, you're so complicated.

Eh, maybe just a little nuts

and broke into our house.

Of course I'm good
with electricity.

I'm an Aquarius.

And I was a lesbian
for two years.

I remember that.

BJ?

Hi.

Hi.

What a blast from the past.

You look amazing.

Thank you.

I've been doing stuff,

just started Pilates, so...

I kind of feel like I'm a bit
strong-- got a bit leaner.

It's wonderful to see you.

Oh, Kate,

I'm actually
looking for a new bed,

and your mattress
is so comfortable.

What is that?

Pillow top?
Memory foam?

This is exactly what
I'm talking about.

Okay. I need to
tell you something.

Louise was the raccoon.

I knew that she was
the raccoon, Ben.

(sighs):
Ooh.

That felt good
to get off my shoulders.

I'm sorry for
keeping that from you.

I promise you, I did not think
it was an actual raccoon.

Yes, maybe this wasn't

the... you know, most efficient
way to prove my point.

I mean, should I have
boarded up the doors,

as well as the windows? Yes.

Is this the worst
emergency drill ever?

Jury's still out.

No, I think
the jury's in.

And it's unanimous.

Nothing bad happened.

You need to relax, okay?

Everything is cool.

I hate you.

Uh, where's Maddie?

I went to say
good-bye to her,

and she's not there.
What?!
What?!

Maddie!

Maddie! Maddie!

Maddie?

(singsong):
Maddie?

Where is she, where is she,
where is she?!

Maddie, where are you?
Maddie!

BEN: Maddie!
KATE: Maddie?

Where is she?!

Maddie?
(ceiling creaks)

You guys, I hear something.

I think it's in the ceiling.

ALL:
Maddie?

Where are you?
(ceiling creaks)

What is that sound?

MADDIE: Mommy, I'm up here.
I'm okay.

BEN:
Oh, thank God!

Oh, my God.

I was so worried about you.

What are you doing
up there, baby?

I found the highest point
in the house,

so the zombies don't get me.

But now I can't get down.

I'm gonna get the ladder, okay?

TOMMY:
Uh, Kate, you know

how ladders are sometimes

used to rescue people,
like in this situation?

Well, Ben and I
broke the ladder.

It's not that far.

Ben and I will catch you, okay?

I don't want to jump.

Jumping causes
3,000 injuries per year.

(laughs) Is that an
impression of you?

That is amazing.
MADDIE:
I'm scared.

We've never
practiced this before.

KATE:
I know.

And it's my fault
that you think that way.

But sometimes you're gonna
have to do things

that you're afraid of and
you're not gonna be prepared,

but that's okay.
Wait, hold on.

I mean, let's not
knock being prepared.

I am trying to

talk her down right now, Ben.

Look, baby,
I get scared sometimes,

and I don't feel brave at all.

But when you have
people around you

who love you more than anything,
you just have to trust

that they're gonna be there
to catch you,

and you got to just jump,
feet first.

You don't literally mean
feet first, though,

'cause I think that would be
really hard to catch her.

Yeah, what's the metaphor
I'm looking for?

TOMMY:
Look before you leap.
No. You know, uh, uh,

it's all downhill
from here. No.

Onwards and upwards.
That would make her jump up.

It's like you're flying up...
Reach for the stars!

It's the same thing.
It's the same going-up motion.

I don't know.
Let her fall.

Okay, just jump, baby.

We got you.
Come on.

We love you.
Come on, Maddie.

We got you.
We're not gonna
let you fall.

We're all here for you.
Come on, baby.
We love you.

Okay, careful!

No tricks,
no flips, okay?

I got you something.

Bandages for your
emergency kit.

Ben, these are for
getting rid of warts.

It says "warts" in big letters

right there,
and there.
Oh.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no, no.
I-I asked her to come.

(sighs, splutters)
Hey, Louise.

We need to talk.

Those two are adorable.

I mean...
No.

BJ: Look at that.
I'm gonna disagree with you.

What was that?
What? What?

It's just a good-bye kiss.

How else am I supposed
to get my message across?

I get it.

Tommy, are you
holding keys?

Do you want to buy
Maddie's glass eye or should I?

Want to come in?
Yeah.

B-By the way,

sometimes bouncing
makes me vomit.

Just so you know.

Hey.

That's so cute.
That's so cute.

(air hissing)

Okay, have fun.

It's good seeing you.

KATE:
Okay. Okay.

Okay, everybody out.

(laughing, squealing)

Okay, okay, don't panic.
BEN: What's happening?!
Maddie?!