Original subtitles

Hey, thanks for making room in here; this is gonna be great. Also--

and this is sort of weird because you're my sister--

but we should probably go over the ground rules, you know,

for when I have, like... sexy visitors.

Ew! Ben, stop it.

Honestly, like having a small child around

doesn't already make it difficult enough

to, like, ever have sex. Ew. Gross.

Don't ever say that word to me again.

Maybe we should have a code word.

You know, like,

what do we do when we want to...

"make waffles" with someone? That's the metaphor you choose?

(sexily): Make waffles. We need

something that implies

strategy and maneuvering, you know?

Like-like playing chess?

I want to be waffles, okay?

So if I feel like

I'm gonna go make some waffles with somebody,

I just want to know that you're not gonna hear me...

crack... cracking the eggs.

There are so many other ways to put that.

I just want to know that if there are noises...

Don't talk about you...

Ew! Okay?

You should know, though, if I'm playing chess, you know,

I might make some complicated moves, like Bobby Fischer style.

I mean, some nights it might be

speed chess, you know?

Like I'm in Washington Square,

I'm feeling the moment,

there's a crowd gathered,

I'm slapping that clock.

Other times it's gonna be slow,

methodical tournament play, you know? "Nice move, comrade."

Maybe I'm playing a computer.

The point is, Kate,

I may... I may check some mates. I don't want to talk

about this anymore. I was about to make pancakes,

and now I don't want to. I don't either, okay?

I'll just have some toast.

With jelly smeared in it.

* Wake up

* Look around

* There's a feeling today

* Fall down

* Get up again

* Get in the game

* Hey, hey, hey

* We're all here anyway.

MADDIE: BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ! BJ!

Wake up, BJ!

Will you please be quiet?

BJ's awake, BJ's awake, BJ's awake! Incredibly rude!

Shh! Shh!

Uncle Ben asked me to ask you,

what's a "walk of shame"?

BJ: There's nothing shameful about it.

It just means you're dressed for the next day.

Hey, monkey,

will you go get dressed for school? Sure.

Ben, that was the principal of Maddie's school.

Apparently, she was late every day last week. BEN: Who cares?

You don't really learn anything till the fourth grade, anyway.

Ben, this is serious. Now I have to go... talk to him. Dude,

this wouldn't be so stressful if you hadn't lied about where we live.

It's the only way I could get her into a good school. So you

told everyone we live at Tommy's parents' house? They're the only

people I know in that neighborhood.

Besides, ever since you moved back,

Tommy basically lives here--

it's like a trade off. TOMMY: This is true.

And we out of hand soap, y'all.

(school bell rings)

Do you think this looks slutty on me?

Is it too short? I don't even know

what I'm trying to say with these?

What if I can't stop talking? You remember this place?

Man, I loved this school. I know.

Why do you think I lied to get in here? Dude, check it out.

Good old 333.

(kicks locker)

Huh. That's weird.

Good old 33... Okay, that should open. (kicks locker)

Ben. Did they fix these things?

Ben, could we please...? Kate,

you need to calm down.

It's the principal's office.

Why are you so scared of authority figures?

I am not. What are you talking about?

(siren chirps)

(sobs)

I'm sorry, it's five items or less.

(sobbing)

These coupons are expired.

Seriously, dude, No!

you need to relax.

(laughs): He's not my husband.

He's my... Ugh! That's gross.

(shudders) He's my brother

from the same motha.

Can I get a what-what?

I'm sorry. Um, we live together.

He lives with me.

And by with me, I mean he lives in my garage.

At 24 Orange Grove Drive, 92102.

Three bedrooms,

two baths, no black family.

(quietly): Are you having a stroke?

(whispers): I don't know.

Principal Feeney--

can I call you Randy? My name is Geoff.

With a "J"? "G."

That's always been my favorite spelling of Geoff. Always.

It's confident, and fun. Thank you.

I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here, Gee-off.

You don't seem like the type of guy

that likes coming down hard on kids.

Honestly, it's not my favorite part of the job.

That's not why you got into this racket.

I wanted to change lives.

You wanted to change lives.

BEN (chuckles) Wow.

Is that old answering machine?

Well, I-I don't know... Every time

my parents called, that was actually me.

(like Jimmy Stewart): Uh, hello?

This is Mr. Fox. Ben's gonna be

20 minutes late for school today.

Your father was Jimmy Stewart?

Yeah, right! You ought

to do impressions.

What, me? I couldn't possibly.

Don't try and make me.

That was me. You did me.

Was that me? Yeah!

(laughter) Well, 'cause

you kind of go up and then go down.

That's uncanny. Something I can do.

Do you do impressions? No? Okay.

Do you do anybody else? Who do you do?

Let's talk about Maddie. Right.

Miss Fox, I don't know what's going on with you lately,

With me? but I'm glad that your brother has moved back to town to help you out.

What? Yeah. I think what Gee-off and I are trying to say

is that you need to get your life together, Kate.

So that Maddie can get her life together.

You have got to come to Back-to-School Night.

The whole school board will be there.

Your enthusiasm would be a big asset to this place.

No, he can't do that. BEN: Are you kidding me?

Gee-off... that really means a lot.

We would... we would love to.

That would be great. You are gonna

love Kate once you get to know her.

(awkward laugh) That's... So excited.

What are you so freaked out about? It's gonna be fine.

No, it's not, Ben. Back-to-School Night

is full of teachers and parents and board members

and principals.

Only one principal, Kate. I'm gonna get caught.

Somebody's gonna ask me something about where we live,

and I'm gonna mess it up.

Maddie does not deserve this. Okay?

I don't want her to suffer because I'm a terrible liar.

The worst I have ever seen.

It's one of your character defects, Kate.

It's so unattractive.

I am aware.

She gets so sweaty.

And there's, like, that weird blotchiness that happens.

And her voice, it goes into that dolphin register.

You guys... (squeaky): Aah, help me.

(squeaky): Ah... I know, you guys, okay?

This is why I don't go to school things.

Maddie can't get kicked out.

If she gets kicked out, she's gonna go

to the school in our district. Can't be that bad.

You guys have a music program here?

(dog barking) (laughs) Music...

(siren blaring)

I cannot mess up at Back-to-School Night.

It's too important. BJ: Well, you're

gonna have to learn to lie, aren't you?

The key is to completely

shut the door on any follow-up questions.

Okay?

Just... just observe and learn.

Try and chat me up, then.

What? Ask me out on a date.

Right now? Okay, I haven't... Yeah.

I haven't worked out my backstory.

Just keep it loose. Hey, how's it going?

My name's Maximillian.

Yeah, my friend's call me Sully.

It's a long story.

Anyway, I'm in the shipping game.

Yeah, based out of San Diego.

You know, mostly machines, although I do dabble in shellfish.

(laughing) I couldn't help noticing you

from across the bar.

I've got intestinal parasites.

Ew, gross!

Exactly. No follow-up.

Absolute conversation killer.

Works every time.

That's amazing. This is all your fault.

How is this my fault? We would never have

gone into the principal's office if it

weren't for you being late every single day.

Oh. Well, so technically, it's Maddie's fault.

She is six years old, Ben.

You have to learn how to say no to her.

You let her walk all over you.

Can you believe that

she said that to me? No.

Because it is literally unbelievable. Now,

I'm sure you're tough but fair with Maddie.

Thank you, Tommy. That is exactly

the blend that I shoot for.

You know, firm but with a softer side.

Like one of those sponges that are yellow on one side but green on the other.

I love those sponges. Mm-hmm.

I use the yellow side mostly for, you know,

delicate stemware, you know, just to get up in that rim,

'cause I don't want to shatter the glass. Oh, yeah.

And you can use the rough side to get out baked-on lasagna.

You got to work smarter, not harder. You nailed that, Ben.

And I should know. I mean, half my lessons are with kids.

If you knew anything about tennis and weren't wearing jeans,

you'd be a great coach.

Guys, we have

a special guest lecturer today.

He is my associate,

my best friend,

and hopefully one day, my brother-in-law.

His sister is beautiful, and I'm in love with her.

The court is yours, Ben. Thank you, Tommy.

It's an honor to be here.

Thank you for spending the afternoon with me.

I've been watching you for the last half hour,

and here is what I have noticed.

Tyler, do you hate tennis?

'Cause you're playing like you do.

Kylee, I don't know where your head's at,

but it's not on court 11.

Are you a real tennis coach?

Uh, I'm more of a tennis coach

than you are. (scoffs)

What kind of question is that?

What's your home-life situation?

Uncle Ben, will you teach me karate and get me a present?

(scoffs)

(scoffs)

(laughs)

(barking)

MADDIE: Uncle Ben

bought me a puppy! No, that is not true.

I adopted you a puppy.

And if you're wondering whether he has had

all his shots, he has not.

So... um...

KATE: Ben, it's in the lease. We're not allowed

to have a dog. I want a dog. Don't you think I want a dog?

It's not my fault, okay? She's my Kryptonite!

Ben, I have too much going on with Back-to-School Night

because of you. You're supposed to be taking stuff off my plate,

not putting more things on it.

I know. I just... I hate being the bad guy, because...

I get it, but you're not Dad,

and you're not going to go yell at her.

She's a kid. Sometimes kids get mad at you, but then,

she'll be fine in a couple days, I promise.

All right. Come here, boy.

(whistles)

Time to go back to puppy death row!

KATE: All right, let's get some face-time,

and then get out of here before

one of these school board bastards turns me in.

No, we're here to make them like us.

Come on, let's mingle.

WOMAN: Yeah, I think that committee...

Hi there!

Hi.

Ben and Kate Fox.

How are you? Nice to meet you.

Yeah. We're, uh...

We're not married.

No. We're brother and sister. Nothing weird.

Just a couple of

co-parenting siblings

just trying to navigate this crazy, mixed-up

world of ours.

(laughs): I'm Helen.

I'm the head of the school board.

Hi.

Miss Fox. I'm so glad you could make it.

(gasps)

Oh.

We live at 24 Orange Grove Drive.

(laughs) Yeah, that's... We sure do.

If I could give you one piece of advice,

it's tempting, but do not go out with older rich men.

To begin with, amazing. You know, all holidays,

you've got, like, amazing jewelry.

That was from one.

But then, you're on the beach,

and they take their top off.

Can you imagine?

70-year-old guy and me.

It's like a melted candle. It's disgusting.

Yeah, I got this amazing margarita machine,

or as they call them in Spanish...

(with accent): margarita machine.

Hey, great idea. Margaritas back at your place.

WOMAN: Oh, I love margaritas, and I have the sitter

(Kate squeals) from another two hours.

Yeah. Not at my house. Please, not at...

HELEN: Don't tell me you're leaving so soon.

This guy was just talking about

taking the party back to his place for margaritas.

HELEN: Well, that sounds fun. What's that address again?

24 Orange Grove Drive. 24 Orange Grove Drive. Boom.

What's this?

Chicken Marsala.

No, it's not.

Why would I lie to you about what I cooked for dinner?

I'm really sorry,

but we're going to need to have a little party right now.

Hi. BEN: Let's go, let's go!

This is not a drill!

Melvin, I could use a little hand here, bud.

Okay, here we go.

Gladys, how are we on limes?

Okay, you guys, we have school parents and board members right behind us.

This is what we've prepared for. Dude, you know

I've got your back, but this is your last chance.

You can come clean right now

and we don't have to do this.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Gladys, Melvin, it's go time.

Come on, Melvin, we've gotta act like Kate lives here.

The deal is I get one hour's notice.

Mom, Dad, like we practiced.

Now, it's very important that everyone remain calm.

Hi, baby.

We do not have time for this!

I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I love you.

Remember, tonight, this is not your house.

If you need something, be polite. Ask.

If somebody asks you for something, you don't know where it is,

and above all else, please do not,

under any circumstances, answer the...

(doorbell rings) Gladys! No!

Hi, welcome to my home where I live.

This is my house. Come in.

(background chatter)

We're really loving the neighborhood.

You know, all those little cafes on Sycamore,

and that park between Colfax and Dumont.

The garbage collection that's on Thursdays,

and the street cleaning that happens

on the north side of the street from 9:00 to 11:00 on Tuesdays.

She's actually pulling this off.

It won't last.

Gladys, may I remind you that you're a guest in your home?

KATE: ...so that is how I came to spend

a semester at Howard University.

(blender whirring)

(loudly): I learned a lot.

Thanks.

Is that how you two met?

(blender whirring)

KATE: Oh, no.

He's not my boyfriend. He's the babysitter.

I thought you said

your babysitter was your brother?

TOMMY: She said that

the babysitter is a brother.

Hi! Can I borrow the lady of the house?

Okay, that was painful to watch. I know.

Helen is the one person here who could actually kick Maddie out.

I know, I know, I know. I'm freaking out.

I haven't stopped talking for, like, an hour.

Can white people even go to Howard University?

All right, I got this.

Helen.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here,

but were you a gymnast?

Does everybody have to pretend to live somewhere else?

No, but once I did have to pretend to be

one-quarter Inuit

to get a very specific marine biology scholarship.

It did not work out.

Yeah, but that's not even a valid comparison.

Can I speak? Do I get to speak?

For the daughter of two psychiatrists, Helen,

you're not a great listener.

Hi! How are we doing over here? Keeping it fun and light?

I was, until I found out how she felt about recess.

You cannot defend a three-hour break in the middle of the day!

They get less time in the yard than convicted murderers, Helen.

(barks) MADDIE: Puppy, come back!

Oh, my... What is he doing here?

Go, go.

That is the-the puppy that you rescued, Kate,

'cause you're such a great person.

You know we're not allowed to have a dog at our place!

You're not allowed to have a dog in your own house?

(doorbell rings)

It's complicated.

(knocking on door) Kate.

Mm, I got it!

Hey, I'm confused.

Why are you pretending to live here?

What are you... what are you even implying?

Oh, good, more people.

Okay, the more the merrier.

Hey, why is there

a kid's room full of pictures of that guy?

What's going on here?

Seriously, are you guys hiding out?

This is all my fault.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys, okay?

Sweetheart, you don't have to explain anything to anyone.

How dare you?!

And you should be ashamed of yourself.

That room is a shrine to her dead boyfriend.

His twin brother.

Yeah.

He died...

one terrible, tragic Tuesday

of a...

oh, just this savage,

bloodthirsty, bloodbath

of a boating accident.

Yeah,

and wait for this:

it was his best friend's fault.

It's why that little girl...

is called Tyrone.

Yeah, it was... it was a bad call on my part.

Kinda blew it. A little bit.

Really, it was, like, a lot of chop.

Yeah. We wrote

a couple songs about it. Yeah, we did. Yeah.

I am so sorry.

I-I had no idea.

How could you have known?

Just do me a favor.

(voice breaking): Wear a life vest.

Always wear a life vest.

(Kate sobbing) BJ: Thank you.

Get away.

Thank you so much for coming, you guys. This was fun.

Thanks, Kate.

You're welcome.

Sorry. Please just walk around the block a few times.

I love you guys. I love you.

Oh, my God, that was a disaster.

You're right.

I can't keep this up.

I'm so glad to hear you say that.

I knew you'd be on the same page. As what? With what?

What are you talking about, Ben?

Ben, what are you talking about?

Things were falling apart. Suspicions were raised.

What did you do? I had to make sure

that Feeney heard our side of the story first.

To me, that's Post-Crisis Management 101, Kate.

Ben, what did you do?!

I may or may not have left a message

for Principal Feeney telling him the truth.

In retrospect, I mean,

hindsight is 20/20,

and so had I known what I know now,

you know, maybe I should have talked to you about it.

BEN: Are you seriously

going to break into school to erase my message?

Yeah, there's no other way. There's absolutely no other way.

You could walk in there tomorrow and explain everything.

I mean, that's... TOMMY: Yeah, he's right.

No! No! We are not discussing this!

You are going to help me get into that office,

and you are going to undo what you did before he finds out.

This is so... Exciting.

absurd,

but we could wiggle the handle

on the basement window... Yeah.

just enough on the left side, it opens a crack

and you can slide your hand in there and unlatch it.

I don't mind doing that bit.

Tommy, remember when we used to sneak in here to use the kiln?

Nobody throws a pot like you, Ben.

Oh, come on, dude, that's... It's the truth.

It was worth reminding... Could we get this over with?

All right, BJ, you stay in the car and honk the horn

if there's trouble. I really want to break or enter.

All right, all right! Let's do this. Okay.

(police siren chirps)

Oh, my God! Cops! Run!

BJ: Kate! Kate! What's she doing?

All right, what's going on here people?

BJ: It's just we were...

Sergeant Edwards.

Ben Fox? Yeah.

(both laughing)

Unbelievable!

When did you get back into town?

Just couple weeks ago!

Wally, this is the guy I've been telling you about!

Come here, you tall glass of water. How are you?

Yeah, you look great, man! Thanks!

Look at you! Did you get Lasik?

I did. I finally broke down.

I had to do it! I knew you wanted to.

Well, I couldn't see!

Was that your sister that just took off?

Yeah, yeah, that was. Yeah.

Actually, you know what, could you do me a favor?

(squealing): Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

(siren chirps)

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.

I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.

Oh, thank God. Yes!

(knock on door) Yeah?

Oh, Miss Fox. Excuse me.

I'm glad you came in. Your brother...

I know. I know what he did.

And I tried to break in here last night to erase that message

and I almost got arrested by the cops.

The cops, Gee-off.

And if I can survive that,

then ain't nothing stopping me from coming in here

and making damn sure I plead my case!

Uncle Ben, am I going to get kicked out of school?

What? No.

No. Your mom's got it covered.

And you know what, even if she doesn't,

I know a guy

that is in the same men's over-40 adult soccer league

with Principal Feeney,

so, like, I don't think they're on the same team,

but they've definitely, like, scrimmaged.

After school, can we bring my puppy home?

Please?

(groans)

Maddie, the puppy is not going to live with us.

He lives with Tommy now,

but we can go visit him whenever you want.

Can we bring him some toys?

Yeah.

We can definitely do that.

And you know what? I looked at the lease of our place.

It doesn't say anything about lizards of any kind.

A lot of kids hate school, but Ben and I loved it here,

and ever since Maddie was born,

I couldn't imagine her anywhere else.

So if I'm willing to lie and break the law

just to get in here,

imagine what I'd be willing to do if you let us stay.

I mean, like, I mean good things,

you know, like volunteering and fund-raisers

and bake sales and car washes and...

Sorry.

(sighs)

I am feeling a little... I am, like, sweating,

and I'm thinking it's my blood sugar. Can I..?

Please. Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Mmm.

I guess what I could do is fudge it

and give you guys a waiver.

We keep a few for worthy parents.

(sobbing): I'm sorry.

I'm not crying because I'm scared of you,

which I am a little.

I'm just really happy.

Oh!

BEN: All right, come on, let's get out of here

before I call the cops on you again.

What? That was fake?

Well, they were really chasing you.

I just told them to do it.

What is wrong with you? Who does that?!

KATE: God!

* Traveling fast in a boat * ...ing fast in a boat

* Where * Where

* One time you go too fast * One time you go too fast

BOTH: * And then you kill

* Your twin brother

* And then

* The story's... over.

Yeah. So.

Yup. Yeah. Still working on the rest, but it's a good start.

But thanks for being here.