Original subtitles

♪♪

What about this one, Steve?

It's got a train on it.

Oh, sick!

That's the engine!

That's the cool part.

There's a caboose on your butt flap!

For your choo-choo poo-poos!

Mom, this is baby stuff.

I'm going to go see what the guy's section has

in the way of butt flaps.

Great, that sounds fun. Come on, Klaus.

Actually, I was thinking, it's a new year.

Maybe it's time for a new me.

A me who picks out his own clothes.

[ Inhales sharply ] Wow.

You must be freaking out.

Why?

Sure, Steve's growing up, but he's my son.

We'll always have a special connection.

Bullshit!

You're freaking!

Mama's little boy is becoming a guy,

and you can't handle it.

It's just the natural order of things, Klaus.

Boys become guys.

Guys become big guys, and big guys can get it.

[ Tink! ]

You're being really coolright now.

The secret to shoppingat outlets

is that only the newbiespick off the outer crust.

You've got to dig for the gems.

Put in some elbow grease.

Polo sport?

Uh, yes please.

So big. So yellow. It's a keeper!

Mm? Yes!

Mm? Must have!

Mm? Great piece!

Mm? So you!

My God,these deals are amazing.

Tell me about it. I just got this phone for free!

Nuh-uh. Where?

That man's pocket.

Steve: I found my new look.

I hope you like it as much as I do!

♪ Wah-ah-ah

♪ Get up, come on, get down with the sickness ♪

♪ Get up, come on, get down with the sickness ♪

Oh, man.

And I thought I liked the train!

Mom?

Uh... I love it?

You...look like

you probably have a kid from a previous marriage!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good -- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪♪

Are you sureabout this, Steve?

As a group, we've always adhered

to a low-profile philosophy.

That's why we never make an impression!

Every semester, people think we're transfer students.

I'm looking to turn eyeballs, fellas.

I'm talking 180 degrees --

Fahrenheit because I'm red-hot!

You guys coming?

This is your time to shine.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Conversations stop ]

Smith!

What are you wearing?

Because it looks so incredible on you!

Three cheers for his wonderful clothes![ Cheers and applause ]

Steve, I thought you were a total slonch,

but you're hella drich.

Okay, girls, clear out.

You don't have to go to class,

but you can't block my bulletin board.

What's that for, Principal Lewis?

Audition sheet for the school play.

It doesn't really concern low-profile kids like --

You are the star of my play!

Tapout? You're the one!

You're my Oedipus Rex!

Auditions are canceled!

Geez. What a reception.

Smith, you're going to bethe man this year.

Don't make friendswith the transfer students.

[ Crickets chirping ]

Check.

Check.

Check.

All secure.

[ Toilet flushes ]

[ Gasps ] Klaus!

Stop sneaking around!

But I'm the silent hero of this house.

No one asked you to do this.

Sometimes, a hero has to do the things

nobody asked him to do.

♪♪

Oh, a light.

Wow, it's gone.

I'm seeing things. Must be tired.

[ Gasps ] It's back!

I should call for backup.

But they won't come.

They don't exist.

I'll have to go alone.

[ Door creaks ]

Oh, Francine, you milky marvel.

You're a one-woman dairy farm.

Francine,what are you doing?!

Sewing. No, you're not!

You have things on your boobs!

A sewing machine.

No.

Okay, it's a breast pump.

I pump a little breast milk now and then

and sneak it into Steve's food.

A little?!

You've got the pump turnedall the way up to "thirsty boy"!

Steve needs it for his health,

and it's not like I'm doing it in the park.

No, you're doing it in a secret bunker.

A shame dungeonbecause you know it's wrong!

It's completely natural.

It's just that society doesn't understand.

Anyway, now that you know

my shameful, very natural secret,

will you please not tell Steve?

He has a lot on his plate right now.

A lot of breast milk.

No, really, Klaus.

I need you to promise.

He does have a loton his plate right now,

with his whole style changeand the school play.

Okay.

Your secret is safe with me.

See?! You have been drinking it, bro!

So gross!

Mom, why?!

With everythingon my plate right now!

Aah!

♪♪

Is this turtleneck too high up?

Is it -- Is it too much material?

Maybe your neck is not long enough.

Maybe you just can't rock a turtleneck.

Take that back!

I won't. It's true.

I have yet to meet the garmentthat I cannot rock!

Now that I think about it,your short neck's kind of gross.

You look nothing like a swan.

Look at me -- total swan.

Duck lips, swan neck, peacock attitude --

the full bird, Stan.

Oh, this phone takes video?

All phones take video.

Whatever, Stump-neck. So does mine.

Check it out!

I'm a director now!

Hazel Bazels, a documentary director.

Meet the crew.

Been on every one of my films.

When you've been to the places we've been together,

talk about a band of brothers!

I take it you don't needthe phone anymore?

Hey,where'd everybody go?

Those scumbags tried to unionize.

Turns out Allen was the little ringleader.

I've got nothing against unions.

My daddy was a union man -- Pipe Fitters Local 97.

But unions just don't make sensefor certain industries.

For instance, pipe fitting.

I mean, what the hell kind of job is that, anyway?

Just go to Home Depot and match them up!

Does this one fit? No. Does this one fit? Yes! Done!

Anyway, I'm a director now!

Good morning, Steve.

How's my little guy?

Not still mad at his mommy

for the wholebreast-milk situmation!

Your first day of rehearsal today.

I want you to be ready.

I made pancakes.

I will never accept food or drink from you again!

Is this aboutthe breast-milk situmation?

Yes! How could you do this to me?

I didn't do it toyou. I did it foryou!

I was going to stopwhen everyone else did,

but I forgot to Google it!

Well, maybe you could have Googled it before I turned 14!

It was never a good time.

First, your eyes went bad.

Next, we found outyou were allergic to bees!

Third grade took youalmost a year to complete!

I mean, who knows what would happen

if I tookmy breast milk away.

Thank God for this prepackaged,not legally orange juice!

Honey, at least let me cook you some eggs!

How do I know you didn't lay them yourself, Mother?

♪♪

Hey, I'm Steve, your costar.

I'll be playing Oedipus.

Welcome tohigh-school theater.

Here's what you need to know --

We leave it all on the stage,

and after every show,we go to Denny's

and pour a bunch of sugaron the table.

Cool. I look forward to working with you.

[ Yawns ]

Wake up, Smith!

Welcome to the first rehearsalfor my musical re-imagining

of the Greek tragedy"Oedipus Rex."

Right now it's called"Oedipus Rox"

because the school boardwouldn't let me call it

"Mother[bleep]!"

So when choosing this year's play,

I asked myself,"What would I like to see?"

The obvious answer is a kid

kissing another kidwho's playing his mom,

so it's kind of likethree layers of nasty.

Smith, are you asleep?! Sorry.

I-I don't know what's wrong.

I-I'm just exhausted.

I only had orange juice for breakfast.

I'm kind of trying a new diet.

Interesting.

I'm ona new diet myself --

I drink nothing but Icees until 11:00 p.m.,

and then I have a gallonand a half of jambalaya.

I've never felt better!

Also, I need this playto be an absolute success,

so if it isn't, you're dead.

I need breast milk!

Ring-a-ding-ding.

[ Glass shatters ]

Dispatch,I'm on the scene now.

Whoa!

[ Crash ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Stopping the milk cold turkey was a bad idea.

I just need a little bit, just to get my head right.

Of course.

You have too much at stakeright now with the play.

I still want to stop,

but instead of quitting all at once,

I think we should wean me off gradually.

That's so smart.

You're not a quitter.You're a weaner.

That's right!

I am a lean, mean, weaning machine!

Wean me, mama!

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, it's so nice to goback to normal with you.

What's my documentary about?

Myself?

Am I the most interesting thing?

Roger, Linda Memari's pet chimpanzee

ripped Jeff's face off.

The doctors were able to do a transplant,

but there was only one face available.

Please be gentle.

Come on in, honey.

Is it noticeable, babe?

For the love of God,

could one film-worthy thinghappen around here?

[ Bell rings ]

[ Grunts ] All right, Smith.

You better bring the goods --or else.

♪ Oedipus' momhas got it going on ♪

♪ She's all I want and -- ♪

Wait, did I say, "Mom"?

I meant...

♪ Oedipus' wife,she's the love of my life ♪

♪ There is nothing wrong

♪ My wife is probably not my mom ♪

Yeah!

Nailed it, Smith!

When I wrote those words, I wasn't sure about it,

but the tune you made up really brought it home.

♪♪

Mm-hmm.

Roger is not the only swan around here.

Turtleneck, get ready to be rocked.

Excuse me, Stan.

Cody and I are location scouting.

I think maybe the right place could spark an idea.

What if I made a documentary

about living in a bathroom for a month?

Call it "Bathroom Man."

Okay. There's something there.

Yeah! Yeah!

I mean -- I mean, maybe. I --

Cody is quiet, so I know he hates it.

Well, let's go buy some balloons.

Those things really cheer me up.

Sounds likethings went really well today.

I'll say, which got me thinking.

Since the milk does seem to havea positive effect --

It does seem to be havinga positive effect.

Right, right?

So maybe while the play is going on,

weaning gets put on hold.

On hold, yes,because of the play!

The play is the thing, a-and then we'll reassess.

Right! Right!

Do we wean?Do we increase the milk?

Do we reassess whether we even needto reassess?

Ooh, that is smart,

and certainly nothing getsdecided before the play is done.

Heaven forbid.

I must fly now, Mother.

Toodeloo!

[ Door opens, closes ]

Looks like trust has been restored between you and Steve.

Yeah.

Well, I've got something that might set it back a bit.

You dosed his Dso he'd run back to your milk,

and I've got the proof!

[ Grunts ]

Ha!You think that was my only copy?

Yes. You're right.

♪ So won't you please

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my little baby

♪ My one and only baby

♪ Say you'll be my darling

♪ Be my, be my baby

♪ Be my baby now

♪ My one and only baby ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh

♪ I'll make you happy, baby

♪ Just wait and see

♪ For every kiss you give me

♪ I'll give you three

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh

♪ Be my, be my baby

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Chatter ]

Hot house tonight!

I think I see some scouts out there.

Three guys in the middle look like

they're definitely from New York.

Psst. Hey, lady!

Hey, Francine, I think that boy

is tryingto get your attention.

I'll go see what he wants.

I-I-I can't do this!

Why did I ever thinkI could do this?

I need some milk!I gave you milk.

It's all gone!

My -- My -- My stomachis in knots!

That's just nerves.

Or maybe I need to burp you.

I'm not a baby!

I don't need burps!

I need breast milk!I didn't bring any!

Quit holding out on me.

You always have it on you.

The anticipation is peaking.

Start the play.

But, maestro,it's five minutes until curtain!

I said start the play!

Curtain! Curtain! Curtain!

Mmm.

[ Audience gasps ]

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Huh?

There's my movie!

Principal Lewis: Yeah!

I just hope that student with her boob out

is at least a junior or a senior.

Roger: So you're going to live down in the basement. Why?

Well, the town turned on us

because of their puritanical views of breastfeeding.

Yeah. My tried to drop me off at school,

and everyone threw rocks at us.

And at the grocery store. More rocks.

It just seems like

everybody is throwing rocks at us these days.

Don't look right at the camera! Roger!

If you want this film to change people's minds about you,

we've got to make it right.

It's got to look slick!

I don't care how it looks

as long as it shows everyone the truth --

that long-term breastfeeding is perfectly natural.

Then we won't be pariahs,

and maybe we'll even be allowed

back up in the main house.

[ Bolt cutters clang ]

That's the last one, Mr. S.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, that's better.

[ Sighs] What was I saying?

Oh, yeah -- No freaks in the main house!

Those freaks make me sick!

Do you hear me down there, you weirdos?

Freaks! Freaks! [ Chattering]

I guess Dad hasn't changed his mind

about banishing us to the basement.

I really hope this documentary works, Mom.

Don't worry, Steve.

If there's one thingyour dad responds to,

it's documentary films.

♪♪

Little Stevie, time for bed!

Nuh-uh!

[ Grunts ] Cooperate, young man!

[ Grunts ] [ Screaming ]

Do we know when Roger's movie is coming out?

Do we have a timeline on that?

If you go straight tonight-nights with no fussing,

I'll sneak up past your dadand check in with Roger.

Okay, but can you please turn onthe white-noise machine

before you leave?

It helps me go to sleep.

[ Lawnmower engine rumbling ]

Roger, when's your documentary going to be done?

Ah, I see what's happening here --

You don't know I switched projects

about a month ago.

You did? Why didn't you tell me?

Have you been down to the basement lately?

It's a real weird scene down there.

Hey, does Stan know you're in the main house?

Are you kidding me?!

Gordon, will you run down to the bodega

and grab me some kind of yummy chip?

Actually, no, just bring me a pasta.

Bring me a pastafrom wherever you think is good.

I trusted you to tell our story!

It was just too strange,Francine,

so I pivoted to Long-neckand Chimp-face.

They're more relatable.What?!

They have an amazingand unlikely friendship.

Stan and Jeff?!

Oh, yeah.I hadn't thought of it that way.

You have to show people how normal we are!

How about I show you how normal you are.

Do you like my outfit?

It's Tapout from head to toe,

except for the middle part, which is pure Stevie skin.

Francine: Stevie! Lunchtime!

♪ Old McDonald had a farm♪

♪ Ee-i-ee-i --♪ Ow!

All of his teeth are in.

♪ And on that farm, he had a --♪

♪ Mom♪

♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o♪

♪ With a milk-milk here and a milk-milk there♪

♪ Here a milk, there a milk, everywhere a milk-milk♪

Oh, my God.

We arefreaks.

Maybe the rocks were right.

But, Mom, I-I need the milk!

I-I'm uncoordinated!

I'm allergic to bees!

I've got these tiny, little eyes,

and when I went off the milk,

I fell asleep in school!

Yes, about that --

that morning,I put sizzurp in your SunnyD.

That's why I was so tired?

I guess.

And now we can go backto our normal lives,

knowing that neither of uswas to blame for anything.

Okay.

Mother knows best.

♪♪

Oh, no.

I like milk!

It's my thing, and I'll never, ever stop drinking it!

I told you guys,

keep your freak show out of the main house!

Steve: Mama, I'm hungry!

Well, I ruined Steve.

Francine, no.

What Steve needs isan experience so negative

that he'll never want to suckle again.

What do you mean?Taint the milk.

[ Gasps ] He's allergic to bees!

You're going to put beesin the milk?

Don't be an idiot, Klaus.

Why work hard when you can work easy?

[ Bees buzzing ]

Mmm. Mmm.

The answer was so obvious. Mmm.

It's what any mother would do!

Yeah, girl! Solve your problems!

Eat those bees!

[ Siren wails ]

[ Monitors beeping ]

Milk.

I need milk.

You're awake!

Doctor, he's awake!

I'll be the judge of that.

Ow! I judge that he is awake.

I need milk. I'll die without it.

No, you won't, son.

You've been in a coma,

and you haven't hada drop of milk in almost a year.

A lot has happened in that time --

I got remarried, lost my ring again,

I rode a bike across Idaho,

and I reconnected

with my high-school social-studies teacher,

but enough about me.

Mom, what happened?

Let's not worry aboutwho ate bees to poison who.

The important thing is now I realize

it's not the milk that connects us,

it's our shared tendencyto go a little cuckoo.

[ Scoffs ] There you are!You're missing the end!

Roger: So it seems the old adage has been proven wrong --

a long-neck and a chimp-face can be friends,

and if there's hope for them,

who's to say there's not hope for all of us?

Now, keep your eye out for my next documentary,

where I dispel the old adage

that a horse-face and a short-neck can't 69.

[ Triumphant music plays ]

Bye-bye! See you soon!