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Okay, okay, one more before they kick us out of here.

I'm getting a massage by the pool

at the rehab facility when they bring over a phone

and tell me my show's been canceled,

and I am getting cleaned out at 5K a night

to get cleaned up and I got less than no income, right?

So, I am ready to bolt over the fence,

and start making headlines again when I see,

shoving his face into a six-cheese burrito

across the pool, the exec who put Friends on the network.

Yeah. Remember, this is '96, which, as I say it,

is before any of you were born.

It was a year, in case anyone's wondering, yeah.

And Friends was at its peak.

Oh, you probably don't know what Friends is.

Friends is a TV show, and a TV show is,

ah, how do I explain this? Um...

It's like a longer Snapchat that you watch on a box

but in the living room.

The way this guy's eating, like I've seen this before,

I've felt this, right?

When you can't get a real fix,

then the next best thing is loading up on carbs,

so I figure I'll do his cholesterol a favor

and smuggle in a little pot.

No big deal in the grand scheme of rehab, right,

and we bond, except to 28-year old me, bonding meant

pitching my brilliant new television show.

So, what happened next?

Well, that's, that's the constant of the story.

I mean, presumably I was going to tell it to completion

even without your question.

Oh my God, four years of film school

they didn't teach you you have to finish your narratives?

I mean, you can't rely on some dumbass to ask you

what's going to happen next.

I mean, you have to tell that dumbass yourself.

No, no, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Kid, you're fine, you're fine.

Man, I want to be a part of that.

Never underestimate how cool a good cup hold makes you look.

Yeah, the inevitable ruin of our generation,

- underestimating how cool a cup makes you look. - Yeah.

I mean it can't just be any cup. It's got to be a good cup.

It's like, ah. Whenever I'm just hanging out, doing my thing,

I don't care if you're looking.

What kind of dick just doesn't hold anything?

I feel like it'd be cooler for you if it wasn't just orange juice.

What can they possibly be saying

to Michael Burwell to make him laugh?

I don't know, like a funny joke or an anecdote.

- Are we done with cups? - In the four years that we've known these people

have they ever, at any point, told you

a funny joke or anecdote?

Last week, Nicole she...

No, I guess objectively, it was just kind of

words strung together.

I don't know who Nicole is.

You don't know who any of these people are.

- Who's that? - Who, subprime?

See? One time he mentions the word "subprime" and for four years,

that's it, that's all you call him. He was in every single...

He said it in reference to The Mummy Returns.

I am so jealous of your ability...

- Yeah, there's no through line, there. - Your gift

to be absolutely oblivious.

But I mean, subprime?

- Squeaky chair, goddamn magnets. - Magnets.

They don't deserve Michael Burwell's time.

I mean, why is he still here? He's done his commencement.

Why doesn't he just go back home?

I think the school pays him to be here

and are you against him or the students? Because this isn't tracking.

I'm against the idea that these kids are going to leave university and think

they have the greatest writer in Hollywood as a contact.

Like, what do you say to him?

"Yeah, my thesis contrasts your early screenplay

work with Kafka, oh by the way, can you read my script?

The twist at the end is the guy's dreaming."

Pfft, get fucked.

That was really good and I'm going to use it as my opener.

Now, do I say get fucked or just...

You're actually going to go over there?

Yeah, why do you think we're still here?

And I don't have something to prove like you.

I would rather just meet and speak with the guy

as an equal once I become a writer and not be

a part of this horde of desperately average students.

Please, never stop having such strong opinions

about things with absolutely no experience to back them up.

- It is one of the things I love about you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go over there. I'll be outside getting air or splashing

water on my face, I don't know, whatever people do.

Have fun at your big break.

You don't want to wish me luck?

No, no, that's sort of what I was saying

is that luck has nothing to do with it.

Honestly, just shoot me in the face if I wind up

photocopying scripts for people who got luckier than me.

Want one?

Oh, no, I don't smoke.

But I'm obviously going to take one.

This is a classic movie scene. No one ever says no to a cigarette, right?

Those kids are exhausting, huh?

Just want my advice. Nothing wrong with them.

- None of them are going to make it. - Most of them, it's true.

Can I tell you why?

Love questions like that, because you're going to tell me anyway.

Because not one of them in there is original.

In their writing, absolutely not, but in their lives, too.

It's all to come running up to meet you

like a bunch of kids on a field trip

holding a fucking skipping rope.

But you're out here alone, so, clearly you're original.

Well, in lieu of the cliché of the scene that's playing out right now,

I know if I don't do something to impress you, you're going to

walk back inside and forget me, too.

Opportunity lost.

You got a plan?

Skeleton of a plan.

Involve murder?

Hmm. Attempted maybe.

You're a personal hero of mine, see.

Maybe I have to do something crazy to impress you.

You have the confidence of a much larger man.

How do you know I can't just kick the shit out of you?

And I can't, because I'm in front of a laptop like 12 hours a day.

What do you say we go for a frozen yogurt, instead?

We grab a fro-yo, we go with the low-fat,

that's like getting away with murder.

Well, I'm not actually going to "kill" you.

It's just,

you know, I wrote a short about this

in first year.

All right, let me set the scene, so,

it's a dark, snowy night.

I hurt you enough so that you can sue me, right.

You and I spend a lot of time together during the trial.

Now, during the document disclosure process, I submit a script.

The law says that your legal team is required

to read everything I submit into discovery.

So, you read it, you love it, naturally,

and, uh, that's my end.

Huh, Hollywood. It's all about who you know.

See? That would have been a great name for the film. Ah.

Well, that's why you're the pro.

This is why...

Sorry, am I interrupting something?

- Interrupting who? - Moo.

Was that a knock knock joke?

- I regret everything. - Hmm.

I just saw you waving your hands around,

and I guess I assumed that you were probably rehearsing a scene, or...

Just one sec, hold on.

One second.

Forgot my cup... drink.

What're you drinking?

Tastes like... scotch.

That's clear, so it's definitely not scotch.

Not a big drinker.

For moral reasons, or...

I just figure everybody drinks,

especially in university, so, how great can it be?

So you're a contrarian, then?

Not if you say I am.

I...

You...

Oh, so you know letters, too?

Why?

I don't know, I thought we were doing a bit.

Oh, well we were.

"Y" is also a letter. I'm not sure you knew that.

- Ah! - Hmm.

Did you just graduate?

Didn't you notice I was in your graduating class?

Never really pay too much attention to that stuff.

Like, life?

Yeah, yeah, never understood it.

I think I was sick the day that they taught that at school.

Shit, man. I thought I was missing out because I was sick

- the day they taught cursive. - Right?

You'd think that they would stretch that lesson

- over at least a week. Yeah. - Right.

But who uses cursive anyway, so.

You're not one of those "I hate cursive people," are you?

If you are, then curse...

you.

Okay, wow.

I've received the air that I came out here for.

I'm going to...

Take this.

What did you... Did you roofie this?

Man. I was on.

I mean, I'm not usually on like that, unless I'm writing a character that's on.

You, on?

What are on about?

- You on something? - There.

There she is. She's, uh...

Shit, I didn't get a name. Who doesn't get a name?

You. We just did whole bit about how you don't get names.

She knows Michael Burwell?

- Who? - The girl I just did a scene with.

Or, like talked to, I guess.

Here, come on.

Cole and Austin.

How does ladybug know my name?

Did you just call me ladybug?

- You had a ladybug on your shoulder once... - That was actually Brian.

- Who the hell's Brian? Ah. - Safari hat guy.

Oh, my God, you guys are like, so cute together.

Okay, we're going to do the class selfie,

except we've got this photography photo snapper.

Some guy who's just going to take it for us.

- It's going to be so retro. - Wow, super cool.

Hey, lady... girl. Do you know who that is?

You know, Burwell is in US Weekly a lot.

It could be like, some young actress

Hollywood girlfriend type.

Is Burwell staying near here?

You guys didn't read TMZ?

Acronyms are TMI for him.

Too...

many initials.

Okay, so Burwell relapsed again since 2004

or whatever ancient year.

Now he's just taking some time away from Hollywood

so he can detox and the whole rumor is

is that he's got this stupidly huge lake house

in Muskoka and he's just chilling there.

So, can we take this selfie o-.

O-.

I guess I can't convince you to take your first reverse selfie?

You'd have more success convincing me to take my first dick pic.

Shit.

Someone's drunky.

No, no, I just, I hit the wrong button.

Must have been all that one sip of alcohol.

Uh, by the way, I feel like I should

say what I forgot to say earlier. I'm sane.

Sane? What is that? Turkish?

Just the whole me talking to myself thing.

I'm a writer, so occupational hazard.

I envision cliché scenes and then I try and

find a new take on them.

So, that's what I was doing.

Clichés like us running into each other in the parking lot?

Yeah, that would be a cliché.

And the cliché ending is?

Honestly?

Me getting your number.

Mmm, good one.

Good thing you like to avoid Clichés, then.

Because I like to avoid dating writers and if I had

your number, then I don't know where that would go.

So, that means you're not currently dating, right?

Well, it's nine p.m. and I'm alone leaving a party

where the only person I talked to for longer

than 20 seconds was you, so...

I actually never got your name.

Yeah, because you never asked for it.

Can I get your name?

- Haley. - Haley?

That's it?

Did you expect something?

No, I mean...

That's it? You're just going to leave?

I got to go rehearse.

Oh, you're an actress?

Singer.

Or a YouTube cover artist, moonlighting as a

wandery adventure girl with just a dash

of professional contest winner.

Oh. Cool.

I'm, uh, Cole, by the way.

And as long as we're padding our resumes,

I do close up magic.

Wow.

I really look forward to never seeing that.

Okay.

I'll see you.

If it's meant to be, I guess.

Daughter.

♪ There is a house in New Orleans ♪

♪ They call the Rising Sun ♪

♪ It's been the ruin of many a poor boy ♪

♪ And me, oh, God, for one ♪

What are we looking at?

I'm...

going to date that girl.

That's an Arby's down there, man.

Do you know how many famous screenwriters

were born into the right family?

Efron, Abrams, Lena Dunham, Landis, Paul Thomas Anderson.

All of them had an in.

I have names, too.

Sorkin, Sterling, Tarantino, , frigging Michael Burwell!

Did they come up with like, a weird, hair-brained scheme

or did they do hard work?

I'm seizing an opportunity.

I met the daughter of the world's greatest screenwriter.

I get close to her, I get close to him

and then it's like I'm born into Hollywood royalty

without more than a few weeks of work.

The work being dating a girl?

No, but you're right. That's the best part.

Well, second best.

I like this girl, man. She's cool.

At the end of the day, it's life experience.

It's what you're saying my writing always needs.

No, no, no, no, no, no. This is not life experience.

This is every shitty rom-com where a guy

makes a bet and he has to sleep with the girl

and then the girl finds out and there's like,

an exotic animal pet and I feel like

they always go on a rafting trip for some reason.

No, no, no. That's not how I'll write it.

No Clichés, no bullshit.

I'll write a romantic comedy

that plays out to be... irresistible.

Then why can't you just message her on Facebook?

Because.

I have an opportunity here to write my own first impression,

well, second, I guess, but whatever.

Help me learn to be a real boy.

Fine.

I would love to see you be a real boy.

Vodka seven, please.

Make that two.

So, vodka 14.

Page one character re-write, huh?

Oh, I figure I'm out of school now, so,

as of today I have nothing to rebel against, so I can drink.

You know usually people drink in order to rebel

instead of rebelling against drinking,

but what the heck, let's go.

- Mmm, this tastes like dirt. - It's pepper.

Uh, you being 22, never having been in a relationship,

I don't feel like that's going to sell for you

as a character or like a carbon-based life form.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I been with girls, all right?

You, on the other hand, I don't think

I've ever seen you once do any part

of the baseball analogy with anybody.

Been with people.

Because even like a bad, loose assorted Jello

wouldn't go 22 years without accidentally dating someone.

So you cut to this.

We've had lots of drinks.

We have had a lot to drink.

I know, but this is too Hollywood.

This is what I'm saying.

Like, the waiter would have taken our glass away

when we got another drink, right?

So why are they all still here?

That's just bad service.

Like, in real life...

Is this not that?

All right.

Enough of this sad, quirky, in your head shit.

If you think you can pull off the straight,

white, leading male thing and maintain it,

give it a shot.

This place is pretty dead, man.

All right, I'll do it. You don't think I'll do it? I'll do it.

Hey, how's it going? I'm cool.

- That's your line? - Stay in character, man, that's my name.

- Cool? - Did I say cool?

Crushing it, just pretend it's me.

It is you, just...

- Hey, how are you? I'm cool. - So, you're having a stroke?

No, I'm keeping my hands to myself.

Your skin is so soft.

It's like, uh...

newborn calf skin.

- That is so sweet. - Ew, what?

- No, that's weird. - Yeah, it's weird.

How many newborn calves am I touching?

Is a calf a cow? Is lamb a sheep?

These are the things that I'm wondering now.

I love your laugh. It's like a...

well, all I'm thinking about is sheep now.

Where do you look when you talk to someone?

Their eyes?

No, that doesn't sound right.

I don't like this cup. Give me your cup.

I want to hold your cup.

That's a better vibe. I like that more.

That one's no fun.

- Ew. - Yuck.

I been dealing with that all night.

- I'm going to teach you something. - Okay.

It's called the Clooney, and it's my favorite move.

- So, you're going to look up, down and back up. - Okay.

So I look up, look down and look back up.

Less with the head, though. Just with the eyes.

Are you supposed to tap a girl on the back

when you hug her, like, is it like a...

Who do I see if I have to sneeze?

- Oh, thank God. - Okay, I'm looking down.

- Back up. - Look back up.

I'll open my eyes, though.

- Eyes open. - Okay.

- Whole time. - Look down.

- Look back up. - Look back up.

That's good, that's really good.

- Was that okay? - That is charming.

- Oh, thanks, man. - Do that to her dad, too.

Whose dad?

Oh, that was a good research session.

Research session.

- I feel like I was able to step inside myself. - Welcome to drink.

But it was like when I'm writing a character and the pages are flowing,

I could just live it, you know?

Just live it.

Those are fun.

You're fun.

- And you are living. - Mmm hmm.

- And I am happy. - Mmm.

And it is good!

Come back, I need an adult!

Boy...

meets...

girl.

Going to need a meet-cute.

Vanilla chai latte.

That's mine!

Oh, it's got to be more original.

Yeah, not in your head with you, buddy.

The park where I meet the girl,

I need to like,

trap her in a web of delightfulness.

Oh, so this is like a most dangerous game type scenario.

Um, how's that?

Well, instead of hunting man,

you're hunting a relationship with a woman

that, well, that you're actually also hunting.

- That's actually not a bad idea. - No, it's a bad idea.

It's a very bad idea. You're planning a heist targeting a human woman.

Oh, I kind of like that.

So, for hunting, I track her.

Instead of footprints, there's Twitter,

Instagram, Facebook all that stuff,

and then all I got to do is meet her and then like you said, it's a heist.

So I learn the routine, and then we do

the montage where I set up the plan, naturally.

And then I date her, if she wants to,

but why wouldn't she want to?

♪ The devil who knows that ♪

♪ The run from my honest face ♪

♪ I'm looking for you ♪

♪ I got myself worse ♪

♪ To recommend first ♪

♪ Came like an angel's curse ♪

♪ I'm better, you see ♪

♪ I'm buffalo now and ♪

♪ Horses run in and ♪

♪ Anything as you want ♪

♪ You want it all for yourself ♪

- Are you... - You go.

Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks.

Hey! Hi, hiya.

Hey, can I grab a mac and cheese, please?

Thanks, thank you.

Oh, I'll have what she's having.

Literally, in a food sense.

Ah, I'm sorry, I'm such a klutz.

Here, keep the change, thanks.

Thanks.

Hey, guess who just got a face full of keychain?

No, it's not a euphemism.

Yeah, remember that poster we saw and it was about

how if you find a keychain you win a prize?

Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a trip to Miami.

I mean, it's a keychain in a bowl of macaroni.

It's got to be something good, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh... Hey.

This was in my food.

Oh, honey.

That's not supposed to happen.

I'm so sorry. Was...

- That's not mine. - No, I wasn't...

Oh, that's weird. I won, too.

That's crazy, I never won anything before.

I mean, I'm a professional contest winner, but...

So, what do we win?

I'm not sure quite

what prize you're talking about or if you're talking...

Maybe we just get the keychain.

What, no, come on. A keychain?

I can get a manager, unless I'm the manager.

Have you really never won anything before, you loserey loser.

I won a spelling bee once as a kid, but,

the word was gum, and I spelled it with two 'M's.

I... They gave it to me, but I had to fake a stutter for like, five years.

What if I give you kids gift cards

to stop spooking me?

We don't want your pity gift cards.

I could go for a gift card.

This is like the only place that I come.

I know, but I mix...

I mean, I, I don't know that you come here.

You know what? I've got a great idea.

We're going to go to a place I know and get

a fitting prize that we deserve.

Follow me.

Thank you, thanks.

There's a question that's begging to be asked.

Was the cashier having an aneurysm?

She was a bit aneurismy, yeah.

Aneurismysh?

Aneurhythmic?

- Aneurhythmic. - Aneurhythmic.

- Yes. - I like that.

It's when you go from dropping sick beats to...

- To having seizures in the street. - Yeah.

I was another question.

Um, have I seen you in the news on account

of being like, I don't know, like a serial killer?

Something like that, that I shouldn't be following,

because you look really familiar.

Serial killer, me?

You know, of all the things people say about me

I don't think that's one of them.

Oh, why? Because all those people are at the bottom

- of a lake somewhere? - Yeah, yeah.

After snitching, they deserved to be serial killed anyway.

Yeah, everyone's always snitching

on the local serial killer.

- Right. - It's like, get a job.

Serial killer has one. He serial kills for a living.

Other peoples' dime.

But yeah, you kind of look familiar, too.

What would you say if I picked you out a great album?

Mmm, I would say, good luck finding me one

that I haven't shoved obsessively down my earholes

except I would say it in a less weird way.

So, you're into music?

Okay, golden, I love playing the meet-cute

fantasy game as much as anybody, but it's just

really starting to feel like you're not playing along.

It's Cole, actually, and you are... Harley,

- from the grad party. - Haley.

I would consider changing it to Harley.

Heard it?

Uh... I don't think so.

Well, then I'm buying it for you.

What...

Ah, Joni.

That's a... Yup, exact change. Thank you.

Right, okay... wait, I didn't,

you also won this contest, so I guess I got to

snag you a cool prizey, too.

Hmm, tell you what.

Let me show you a magic trick.

Okay, magic, nice.

Um, I hope it's the latter half of now you see me.

Mmm.

Wow.

Riveting.

I've seen that one before.

It's called, uh...

bullshit.

It's a simple charm, and you'll see its effects

soon enough.

Oh, wait, hold on. You're just...

Again you're just not going to ask for my number?

Oh, you'll get my number if it's,

what were your words?

Meant to be.

Okay, so about this writers room internship

I got on the amazing show that you hate for some reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, one sec, um.

One of the notes that you had was that

the main character being in every scene was too much.

Yeah, he's an acquired taste. It's like that purple ketchup that you and I like

that no one else did. So, maybe leave room for some normal people,

capable of human conversation about the amazing internship I got.

I feel like Burwell's going to get this when he reads it.

Not that I'm ignoring whatever it is you're th...

- No, you know, who cares? - Oh, shit!

Oh, this is her. Ah. This is it.

Hello?

Your charm was successful.

Yeah, but, uh, this is why I hate magic,

because now I can't stop thinking about how you did it.

Well, maybe you should be enjoying the sounds of Joni Mitchell instead.

I would be except the nine in your phone number just

completely obliterated "the Circle Game,"

and now it's just going round and round and round

- in "the Circle Game." - Oh, come on.

Or you know, just ignore my best joke.

- You never heard of "the Circle Game?" - No, I have.

- But you said that you haven't. - Yeah, well, I lied.

It's one of my all-time favorite songs. Except you pulling out that record

was just too perfect for me to ruin it with my truth.

Whenever I hear this song,

makes me feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Really?

I always feel like I should be somewhere else.

Like, last week, I was at this Mexican girl's

Quinceañera and her family kept telling me

to get out of the buffet line.

I don't know, Cole.

There's something about good music that just makes me

want to be serious and not at all bantery.

So what do you think the song means?

"We're captive on the carousel of time."

"We can't return, we can only look behind from where we came."

I think she's saying that if we look too far ahead then we just miss life.

Or it could mean that we should prepare for the future.

Influence your own story, that way you can write your own life.

Isn't that kind of the warning of it, though?

You know, promises of someday make his dreams.

I don't know, I feel like that whole round and round part means that...

we're bound to make the same mistakes over and over again, so.

Seems a bit defeatist for Joni, but I mean,

if we're going to go with my whole living in the now thing,

I could ask you on a date.

Oh.

Because, you know, I had like sort of this whole thing planned,

but, uh, that's cool.

Ah. Imagine that going in. That would have been a cool moment.

So, you're throwing away Act I of your plan?

What? No, dude.

Act I was a slam dunk.

Okay, buddy. A slam dunk is not when you throw something

from across the room.

- And definitely not if you miss. - All right, you know what?

You're really killing the vibes here, Aus.

- Tin. - Austin.

Austin. Austin's better, yeah.

Whoa, this place is spectacatac.

It's like an epic church out of some groovy rom-com.

Yeah, it's where the girl runs to at the climax

to be alone and she's wearing some, like,

weird Alice In Wonderland looking bullshit,

and the guy knows she's there because obviously,

they're meant to be together and they've

already established that location.

Sounds lame.

Like a crippling cliché.

I wanted to do not coffee.

Right, and we've already done, uh, graduation, record store...

So the logical next step was escape room.

Oh, great. Is this is the thing where you escape the room, or...

That makes way more sense than what I thought it was.

Hi, we hear you have snakes to pet?

No, that's not right.

Is it not.

No, we want to escape a room.

- Yes, that's right. - Is this your first time?

Well, I've escaped rooms before.

Uh, for example, I had to escape a room to get here

and I assume to leave this place, I'll have to escape a room.

Okay, so no.

And can I get the name you're reserved under?

We did not make a reservation.

A friend of ours says to live in the now.

Well.

We're fully booked.

There's like, there's like five people here.

They're... They're in the escape rooms, trying to escape.

Right. Uh, well, that's fine, because we didn't want to play anyway,

we just wanted to see how it worked.

- Uh, we have a coffee date to get to, so. - Yes.

If you want, I could make you a reservation.

Can you make the reservation for now?

We have availability in...

September.

Like the September that is three months from now?

We're very popular. Chose the right place to come to.

- Should we make it? - I don't know.

What did Joni say about promises of someday, hmm?

I think she said never admit date defeat,

in which case, we'll say that we came here for a reason

and that reason is...

To reserve for September. Yeah, we'll take it.

You can also book online.

Oh, madam, you've been far from helpful.

Please don't start now.

All right, escape room was a bit of failure,

but I'm going to re-write this date with simplicity and ease.

I mean, not re-write, I'm going to...

Can I help you?

Uh, yeah, can we get two ice creams?

We're actually out of ice cream.

How do you? You're an ice cream store.

- We didn't want any, anyway. - You just asked for ice cream.

No, we didn't. We said could we get some.

- Drive, go, drive. - I need to stop making plans.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, shit, turn here.

This moment brought to you by Joni's famous words...

- never admit date defeat. - Mmm.

- Birthday cake? - Pistacio.

Gross.

- Neapolitan. - Rocky road.

- Never. - Serious?

Um...

Vanilla?

No, we've been lost for like, a good 20 minutes.

I just figured if we could, at least,

get to the cathedral with some ice cream,

- then maybe... - You know, I'll just eat this anywhere at this point.

While it's still ice and not just cream.

Okay.

- Oh, shitty wow. - What?

Close your eyes, quick.

It's not ideal while I'm driving.

I mean, sorry, just look, look away,

- and I'll pull in this steery thing. - Okay.

- And we're just going to park. - Okay.

Okay.

Totally nutso. Okay, don't peek.

- Okay. I'm not going to peek. - Let's go.

I mean, what the hell, right?

Wow, the shoe tree.

Oh, no.

You've been here before? What?

All right, where do you want to eat? Next to the muddy boots

or the hepatitis covered sandals?

No, no, you don't get to change topic, mister.

What the hell significance does a tree

covered in shoes have to you?

It doesn't.

It's...

I don't know, it's nothing. My...

Austin and I, we go camping a lot.

We have to drive up north,

and every time we pass this tree, he wants to stop

and talk about life and I just want to get up there

and have ice cream time.

So, I guess you don't like to talk about

anything of consequence, then?

There's consequences to things of consequence.

Spoons?

- Fuckity. - Wow.

This is a classic date gone wrong fiasco, isn't it?

I was really hoping to make a better third first impression.

It doesn't have to be all cute parking lot run-ins and

bakery koinky-dinks.

Yeah, but then I could be anyone.

Or you could just try being you.

I just had all these things planned out, you know,

funny things I was going to say, how I was going to end the date,

call backs I was going to use for the second date

and now I'm just kind of like floundering in this void...

Shh, shut up.

Sorry. Just, you know, first kisses are, uh...

there's like, a template to it.

At first it's like, oh it's this really great moment

but in reality, it's just two people

squishing their mouths together.

- I, uh... - Just...

live.

Part of me still thinks like a modern-day less problematic Woody Allen.

I would never swipe right on someone who

swipes right on me, but this girl

is weirdly swiping all over me.

Hey, you went on a date with a girl,

with a real, live girl and you know, you lived,

so we can call it a failed experiment and move on.

But the logical part of me sees

that I'm writing something great.

It's like, what we have is a really polished ninth draft.

Yeah, of a lie.

Thought you said you were getting lunch.

Oh, try the sour keys.

Not yellow, yellow's gross.

My life is making me really sad, man.

And, no, backtracking, it's not a lie.

It's art.

And it's good.

And, like any good art, it can change you.

Or me. Or, see? I'm doing the Ethan Hawke thing in real life now.

Can we not?

Look, I told the showrunner about you,

and he wants to meet you.

So, can we just drop the whole fake dating thing

for a minute and you can try to land a real job with me.

Fuck the showrunner.

Not only is this fake dating thing going to land me Michael Burwell,

I'm learning how to write female characters. Honestly, man,

you don't know how these people think until you actually spend time with them.

Oh, my God, you're an idiot.

Do you understand that everyone wants to be

on this show?

That I am even here right now is amazing

and now the EP, he's talking to me about

his new Netflix thing, how can you not want that?

Because you're here from six in the morning

hole punching some asshole's shit that's just

going to be re-written by some other asshole, and what?

You're going to do that for six years?

Yeah, well, it's a way in.

It's a rush hour bus ride to mediocrity is what it is.

Okay, and using some girl that you don't even like, what is that?

Continuing the analogy, it's the empty car pool lane

straight downtown, and I told you, I do like her.

I don't think you know what you like...

...which I was hoping this whole, uhm,

you know, coming of age thing would teach you, but fine.

You slipped her the tongue, now slip her the script.

- Let's move on. - Uh, so wait, first you were accusing me of using her

and now, what, you're jelly on the spending list?

Are we saying jelly now?

Look, man, you're going to spend the next three weeks

convincing this girl that a happy ending is coming,

and then you're going to throw her in the fucking recycling bin,

and move on and who is that good for?

I don't know, maybe me?

Maybe her?

Maybe we end up together.

Why not?

I think there's a version of this where we end up together.

- Fuck the cliché. - No, Cole, fuck you!

All right, fuck me! Why do you care so much?

Because since ninth grade we have been talking about

writing together and moving to L.A. together

and having a fucking show together,

and now I'm giving you a shot at that

and you're, you're throwing...

it away for some girl.

You sounded very gay right now, man.

So the fuck what?

You know what? This is actually good inspiration because gay people

are in right now and I've been considering

writing a gay character in my script but,

I don't know if he's gay or if he even knows he's gay.

You know what? I'll figure it out, thanks, Aus.

Tin, ah. Never make that nickname work.

Okay, well there's only so many ways I can say fuck you.

I love, love, lovey love, love this book.

Oh, my gosh. Last year, I read this 30 times.

Wow, that's some great times.

- Also kind of hot. - Oh, my.

Don't act like it's not crazy, okay?

I know it is, anyway, there's just, there is this part at the end, okay,

where there's like this soul-searchy

bit where the main character is just literally

fighting himself and the messed up stuff he's done was just.

- It is everything to me. - Hmm.

♪ Go to the city girl ♪

Just playing up there, in front of real people, ah,

that's music, dude.

Yeah, but these people didn't come here to see him.

They just came.

Yeah, but they came and they stayed.

That's all I want.

No fame, no fortune, none of that, just... that connection.

♪ And I need someone ♪

You know, you never did that thing,

the yawny arm around me move.

I... respect feminine rights.

Yeah, but as the female, I'm giving you the right

to put your arm around me.

Is that?

Oh, that was it? Okay. Just, yeah...

Clearly want to clean up.

♪ I'll let you know ♪

So, in this revision based off real-life experience,

I'm going to make the girl talk in this really cute way

where she says things like "fuckity" and "dum dum."

Mmm, except I've never said "dum dum."

You stupid face.

How's your song going?

Uh, it's not.

- Boy that the song's about, he's just too distracting. - Oh.

Your dad's Michael Burwell?

Wow, the Michael Burwell? Michael Burwell as in Michael Burwell?

Yeah,.

I thought about that I guess...

No.

Want to be a bitch or eat a burger?

Never thought you'd last that long without talking to me.

It's been like, one montage.

Two bits in a movie is like, what, a week?

Three weeks, who's counting?

Wow. I literally think that's the first awkward silence

we ever had together.

We need to make up for lost banter skills.

So, um, I assume that Haley Burwell thing fizzled out.

- Bubble tea tonight? - Why would you assume it fizzled out?

Because it's been three weeks. So, um...

You should have had sex by now.

And I know we don't talk about that sort of thing,

but let's be honest, there's never been

that much to talk about, so, if something

had happened, I feel like you would have

broken the ice on our cold war.

You know what? It's none of your business.

I don't kiss and tell. Or fuck and converse.

Because there's nothing to converse about.

No, not yet.

She wants to, probably, but,

I mean I think we want to, oh.

- Ah. - Look, I know I didn't support you in this.

Fine, but if this is a real thing,

and you really like each other, then you have my blessing.

So, you're willing to share me now?

I've...

I value our friendship or whatever too much not to.

Just one condition. Come out with me tonight.

It's going to be fun. We'll go for bubble tea and then we'll hang

with the writers from the show.

They're funny, you'll like them.

I don't like people.

Well, uh, they're writers, Cole, they don't like people, either.

Yeah, but they're TV writers.

That's like calling a hamburger a ribeye steak.

You know what, Cole? Sometimes a hamburger...

...is the best meal.

Man, this is why I love you, man.

I don't even need to say anything.

I did miss you, though.

Here's what I would say if I said things like that.

Jesus, I'm starting to think this girl

does nothing all day long.

All right, you do your leading man thing,

I'll drink into the background like a good sidekick.

All right, I'll see you tonight.

Hey, Lee.

This all a joke?

- What's uppity? - Nothing, just getting some work done.

Cool. What are you up to tonight?

You want to come over, you want to hanging out?

I really want to say yes, but I just told Austin

- that we'd hang out. - Right.

Because you know what come over means, right?

Like, it, uh...

Like, it's like a sex thing.

Oh.

Oh!

Yeah, that sounds good.

Sex thing sounds very...

Uh, sex... positive.

I'll, uh, I'll see you tonight.

Hey, wait, no, phone back to ear, please.

- What's up? - I hate that.

People say, "I'll see you tonight," they like,

hang up the phone. No one makes any plans.

What is that?

I don't know.

I thought it was like a general,

um, how's your place at nine?

Nine's perfect, except you don't know where my place is.

I do not, you're right.

Okay, so I'll text it to you.

Okay.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Hey. - You look great.

Thanks.

Come on.

Holy shit!

Your parents famous or something?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not going inside?

Follow the leader.

You invited me over.

I mean, am I really over if we don't go inside?

It's more like I'm around.

You should have invited me around, not over.

I thought I'd try planning the perfect moment, for once.

Perfect.

Straight out of the movie?

One I'm jealous I didn't write.

Why do you have to be jealous?

Because I want...

All of this.

Well, hey.

You have it.

You have me.

You ever feel like, uh...

life's only good in the memories?

Like, uh,

like a scent

where music or a...

good movie.

Is it all only good in retrospect?

I think that would mean we're all just living to die.

That's pretty depressing.

I just always had this feeling like

I was remembering my life.

Storing it for the future so I can remember it later.

Well then, hey.

Stop recording for a memory and just press play.

♪ So didn't you find love ♪

♪ Or salvation ♪

♪ In what they do ♪

♪ Our heart is built of gold ♪

♪ Fairies they are told ♪

♪ It's in the hands you hold ♪

♪ How long can we ignore ♪

♪ Build a little more ♪

♪ Then we break our true ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Don't record this as a memory.

Not that I have anything to, uhm...

just, I'm, I'm just going to get naked now, uhm.

Fully naked, just because you're not...

you're not.

♪ I don't feel like calling ♪

♪ Up against the sky ♪

♪ I sit taking it all in ♪

♪ Thank the good guy ♪

♪ I don't feel him calling ♪

♪ Up against the sky ♪

♪ It's got the heart of the world ♪

♪ Turning to the light ♪

Afraid to speak lest I ruin the moment.

What the hell did I just say?

Did I say lest?

Who says lest?

Hey, stop, stop.

Stop what?

Stop, just stop.

♪ Smile like you know ♪

♪ A new world ♪

♪ Has been found ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I don't feel like I'm falling ♪

♪ I'm up against the sky ♪

♪ I sit taking it all in ♪

♪ To make a good life ♪

♪ And I don't feel like I'm falling ♪

♪ I'm up against the sky ♪

♪ That's got the heart of the world ♪

♪ And turn it to the light ♪

♪ I don't feel like I'm falling ♪

♪ I'm up against the sky ♪

♪ It's got the heart of the world ♪

♪ Turn it to the light ♪

♪ Or maybe it could ♪

♪ My love's as big as the sea ♪

Morning.

I'm sorry I left you in bed.

I guess I just needed to...

channel some inspirationy vibes.

Mmm, last night inspired you.

We, uh...

We drank a lot, huh?

Ah...

Yeah, I mean, uhm.

I thought, uh...

it was great, was it not?

What is this place?

This is my recording studio.

In an elfin cove?

Yeah, I guess it used to be a crawl space.

I've always sort of been a sucker for these kind of spots.

You know, like uhm, a refrigerator box or...

that little spot underneath the stairs

where the world just fits perfectly around you.

There's no space to be lonely if there's no space.

I guess part of the allure is that I never really had any

friends.

Yeah, but it's not like that's some great tragedy.

What?

Well, I mean, because you have all this.

It's just, friends can be, uh, distracting.

Trust me, you're lucky to have this kind of life

where you can just sing and create

and not have to worry about reality

or struggles or people.

Mmm hmm, right.

So you think that because my dad is famous

that I just sit around waiting for a big break then?

You never said your dad was famous.

Right, like you didn't know that my dad

was Michael Burwell.

Your dad is Michael Burwell?

- Wow, is he here? - No, okay.

He goes out on the boat every morning.

Are we done just minimizing my struggles now?

I'm just saying you're talented.

And you know what you want and you can actually get it.

Look, this is, uh, this is spiraling.

I just...

You didn't try hard to get here.

It's a really great life and that's great

and I'm here too, but I also had to fuck over

my best friend to get here.

It's silly, you want me to feel bad,

because you have nobody to fuck over,

that nothing gets in the way of what you want to accomplish.

I wish crippling loneliness was my issue.

Yeah, Cole, I think you got bigger issues.

It's called a severe fucking lack of empathy.

Come on, I didn't want to start a fight.

I'm just pointing something out.

You know, you don't own the rights

to struggling artists, okay?

Your problems are no worse than anybody else's,

so you don't get to use that as some kind of bitter excuse

as to why you're better than everybody.

I think it's time for you to go, okay?

You know, it's funny, I was thinkin'

the same thing last night.

Oh, nice.

I'm sorry, my character slipped... I slipped.

I don't want the end of Act II breakup.

Me neither.

You who phones people.

How mad are you at me?

I'm six.

I'm sorry, just...

Can I come over?

Yeah.

Yeah, meet me at the swings.

Yeah.

- Knew you were still mad at me. - I think I have the right to be a little angry.

You ditched me for a fake girl

and then you do it again and again.

It gets tiring.

She's not fake.

She's a real girl.

Well, fake relationship, Pinocchio.

Nope, real relationship, real argument.

Real big problem.

So, now you want to use me for girl advice?

And I'm just supposed to what?

Like, drop everything and help you because you need me?

Austin, I'm... like you wanted.

Learning.

And failing.

And it fucking sucks I don't have you to help me fail.

And clean up my messy writing by taking things out

and making it simple.

Okay, simple re-write.

Break up with her.

That's one of those re-writes that sounds simple,

until you look at what you're cutting and realize

you actually like what you wrote.

But I also like all the stuff that we wrote

about going to L.A. for eight years, so,

yeah, complicated.

What?

I'm going to go.

Soon.

What, like in the middle of this conversation?

I'm going to L.A.

It's nothing crazy.

The EP offered me the script coordinator thing

on his Netflix show.

I guess...

I'll be there whenever you're ready to come out...

to L.A.

Wow.

That's, uh...

Jeez.

Thanks so much for the invite.

I can't just be your best friend character, Cole.

Nah, man, I get it.

All I did was follow our plan, like we always talked about.

What about the plan with this girl, man?

You said, and I quote, "I just want you to be a real boy."

Yeah, well, I guess I just thought the truth

would have come out already.

And by the way, congratu- fucking-lations, Austin,

on this amazing opportunity and moving to L.A.

I'm really fucking proud of you!

Did I just pass your drug dealer, or...

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

Missing you, I guess.

Seriously?

Where were you a few hours ago?

Uh... We had our first big fight, yeah, so, so what?

Who cares?

Stop being so dramatic, Cole, come on.

Why prolong some stupid fight?

Okay.

Haley, please don't forgive me.

I'd rather you didn't tell me what to do

with my forgiveness, so.

Why do you got to be so... cool?

It's not even like, cool though. It's like blind.

I mean, Haley, why do you like me?

Because you like me.

And, and when we're together, it's not like

I have to crawl into this like, small room.

You, you just make it feel like wherever we are

is exactly the right size and, and, and it feels like that

because you try, you try to make it feel that way.

And,

most guys don't try, so...

Wow.

That is so fucking...

I only try because...

Fuck it. Why hide it? I only try because I wanted to impress you

so I could meet your dad and impress him.

Is... that... it?

Like, do you think you're the only guy

that wanted to meet my dad? I...

God, it was a lie.

The Joni Mitchell album, the coincidental meeting

at the bakery, it was all fucking planned

and orchestrated and written like some

horseshit heist movie.

I mean, seriously, what kind of girl lets a guy

tell her that she was some useless piece

on a stupid chessboard and then doesn't care.

You deserve better.

I don't need this.

I don't need you to tell me about the virtues

and the nuances of being a strong, independent female, okay?

I can be a real, well-rounded human being

on my own, thank you very much.

And you know what?

If I like spending time with you when you're not being

this jackass of a fucking guy,

then, then just don't be this guy.

Haley, I'm...

You're like my dad.

Obsessed with being this wounded,

creative type because you think that,

I don't know, normal isn't interesting.

Normal, ugh.

Then I want to be normal...

with you, I do. I fear...

Giving me this chance.

You really want to date this guy?

Me? This?

Okay, listen buddy. I know that you think

that you're like, so charming

and so irresistible and I couldn't help

but fall for your plan, okay, but I had as much

of a say in this as you did, so.

- So what you're saying is, uh... - Hmm?

...woman can be active characters, too?

I love that this beautiful, grotesque tree

has just become our spot.

It's like out of a dream.

Babe, I don't know what kind of dreams you're having,

but if that's what they're like, keep me out of them.

Hey, listen, listen.

Very serious.

My birth-versary is coming up this weekend.

You should come stay at my house for a little bit.

Yeah, really?

Yeah, you should meet my dad in like,

a less sneaky, more normal way.

Just don't bug him about writing too much

because he came up here to like, get away

from all of that and he's doing really well,

and he's been really present for me lately,

and that's great, so.

Do you think I'm nuts?

I think you're beautiful.

I was confused by a hundred spinning plates,

but now it's simple,

because most of those plates have dropped off or left town.

I think I'm glad I don't have to sneak around

to give your dad a script and I think I keep

listing things off because I forgot to say

that no, I don't think you're nuts.

Hmm, but I do think I don't want to talk anymore.

♪ Only place that he gets out of line ♪

♪ Is hoboing from town to town ♪

♪ One foot is on the platform ♪

♪ And the other one off the train ♪

♪ I'm going back ♪

♪ To New Orleans ♪

♪ To wear that ball and chain ♪

♪ Going back to New Orleans ♪

♪ My race is almost run ♪

♪ Going back ♪

♪ To spend the rest of my days ♪

♪ Beneath that rising sun ♪

- Hi. - There you go.

- How you doing? Michael. - Cole.

Cole, yes, of course. My daughter has told me

everything about you.

And let me just say, it is a pleasure

to meet another guy with an average sized penis.

- That was a joke. - Ah.

Always fun having to explain jokes to people.

Well, I know, here, Haley's told me a little bit about you, too.

Mmm, yeah, because there's no way an aspiring writer

would be scouring my Wikipedia page you know, nightly.

We're just out back, doing the whole summer, thing.

You know, sitting, occasionally standing, swimming.

There was some talking earlier.

That was fun.

All right.

Been up here before?

I used to come as a kid, I mean,

summers on this lake in a crappy little cottage,

not this fucking palace.

I do one punch up on some chimp playing sports

and I got granite counter tops and recessed lighting,

some kind of stone on the wall, fireplace

Francis fricking Robin guy or something in every room.

Speaking of rooms, I have no idea how many rooms there are in this place.

I took a dump this morning, like a really painful shit

in a bathroom that I swear to God,

I've never been in in my life.

Anyways. It's nice to, uh, come back here, you know?

Bring Haley,

introduce her to, uh, you know, real people for a change.

- Welp, I'm a real person. - Of course you are.

Otherwise, would I be able to do this?

So much as touch a hair on my daughter's head

and I swear to God I will make a formal inquiry

to the barber's union and make sure

that you are qualified to touch hair.

I have no idea where I'm going with this.

I'm fucking with you, I'm fucking, seriously,

I'm not that kind of dad.

She seems, I don't know, honestly, lighter

since you been around, so you just keep lightin' her up, all right?

And we will all be, how you kids put it?

Lit, right, right?

Look, I don't give a shit.

You want something?

I'm good, thanks.

What's your dad up to?

Hmm?

Oh, I guess sometimes he just gets stuck in his own head.

Kind of like you.

I mean, is he writing a script or something?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? He's right there.

So?

It's not like he cares.

Cole.

Cole? Cole!

You know what? Just ignore me and I'm talking to the coal in the fire, anyway.

- Hmm. - Shh, this coal is much hotter than you.

Oh, Dad!

And you call yourself a writer, Jesus.

Sorry, were you, uh, asking me something?

I was asking what kind of stuff you wrote,

but it was just a bit of polite etiquette.

Well, I, uh,

I write movies and TV shows that have...

very naturalistic kind of, uhm...

it actually harkens back to the old, wow,

I just said harkens, and I shouldn't have.

Uhm, it's very similar to your style of writing,

actually, if anything.

That's fun.

I'm a big fan of my own style.

- And the word harkens... - You know, we really don't have to talk about

writing right now.

Ah, yeah, no, Haley's right.

We're up here to do the whole summer thing.

No writing.

Really? Because usually when a writer gets one on one

time with me, they want me to read a script.

They usually have a paper one on them.

Nope, not me.

I'm not even a big paper copy kind of guy.

I guess that's millennials.

Okay, this has been very nice, but, uh, I must

harken back to my bed.

Good night, gorgeous.

- Good night, Dad, love you. - Mmm hmm.

Whoo.

- Have a good one. - Yep.

"We can't return,

we can only look behind from where we came."

Yeah, the way we keep mentioning that song

I feel like it's going to come back and sum up

our relationship in some trite yet really beautiful way.

At least it would if this was a movie.

But it's not.

And I'm really glad it's not.

Hey, sorry. I didn't see you there.

Hey, you're up early.

- Always. - You too?

I like to get up while the lake's still calm and nobody's on it.

Help me clear my head, forget about

the inevitable robot uprising.

Yeah, looks beautiful out there.

Looks like glass.

Say what now?

The lake, it looks like, uh, glass.

Thank you.

You can come if you want.

Yeah, sure.

Get the rope.

Bulgarian weapon expert.

Obliterated 80% of the hearing in this ear,

so I'm going to assume you're talking about

whatever material the lake's made of and say shore.

So, shore.

She's very special.

I'm not just saying that like a proud dad.

I mean, she's fucking talented, too.

It's exhausting sometimes.

She have her problems?

- Oh, yeah. - We still talking about that Bulgarian weapons expert, or?

Oh, no.

Haley.

I can say it because she takes after me.

Especially the bad ways.

She takes after her mother, she's got this

bottomless craving for attention.

Psycho bitch, that woman.

Marlene.

I loved her.

Probably killed her, too.

There we go.

You also remind me of me.

Ah.

That's probably why you guys get along so well.

She likes to iron out her daddy issues with the right guy.

Or the wrong guy.

Hey, you supposed to be, uh...

No.

Hey, sorry, I just, I heard you were in recovery.

It's not for you or Haley or anyone else to worry about. All right?

I'm a drug addict, not an alcoholic.

Okay.

Fucking A right, it's okay.

Summertime, middle of the lake,

having a beer, couple of writers.

I don't think it's anything that needs to reported back to H.R.

or H.B.

Yeah, no, I got it.

I, uh, I didn't mean anything by that, by the way.

Hey, look, can we skip the build-up, hmm?

I know what spinning wheels look like

before you get into a scene.

- What do you mean? - Well, you couldn't ask last night.

She's not here now. What'd she say not to bring up whatever script you got?

Nah, we don't need to talk about that.

Oh, we're already talking about it.

Okay, what is it?

Movie, TV, comedy, thriller?

Come on, tell me, I'm short circuiting up here

with no stimulus.

She just, she doesn't want it interfering with...

With what?

My sobriety? Your relationship?

Bullshit, I'm a fucking Oscar winner

offering to look at your script and give you feedback.

Who's got to know?

Ah... Well, it's, uhm...

It's a very simple movie, uhm...

Very early Michael Burwell, actually.

Well, can't promise anything'll come of it,

but I'll give it a read.

No, no, no. That's fine. I don't, uh...

- I don't need anything to come. - I got to say, if it's good, I mean, if it's really good,

if it's a really great piece of writing,

it's something someone your age would probably not

normally produce,

I will say "Great, good job."

Maybe get it to my agent's assistant to look at.

If it's anything less than that, I'll say it's great.

You know, keep at it, I can see you're talented.

If, God forbid, it's a piece of shit,

well, I'm no saint.

I'll tell you it's a piece of shit.

But I hope that doesn't happen, because if it does, then well,

Haley'll find out and we're both fucked.

Yeah, honestly, just having Michael Burwell

reading my scripts saying, "Yeah, that's a good script." That's, uh...

That's good enough for me.

I know you don't believe that.

I can see you writing the bullshit

as it comes out of your mouth.

I know because I do the same thing.

Transparent.

I'm not some film school kid.

I mean, tell me it's good. Tell me it's a piece of shit.

I was kind of over asking you, anyway.

Well, I'll give you this.

Oh, I thought you were going to say something. I didn't think

you were actually going to hand me something.

And give you this.

If you really are like me,

then Haley's already trying to fix you.

Mmm.

Lake's not like glass anymore, is it?

Looks like a storm's coming.

God, I love being up north

and saying shit like storm's coming.

Makes me feel like a real person,

not some Hollywood fuck me.

Give me the script later. I'm sure you got a paper copy on you.

Shit.

Well, you smell like beer.

Spider on him.

- Hi. - Hey.

Oh, my God.

Hey, I,

I woke up and I thought you'd like,

one-night standed me or something.

Did you think I was really bad at counting

one night stands, too, because it's been

way more than one night.

Maybe.

I've never heard you count.

Maybe it's like, you could be all ten, 12, 11, nine.

I don't know.

You're not mad that I went out with him?

No.

Why would I be mad?

Two people I love just spent time together.

What'd you say?

Oopsie doodle.

Caught me.

I, uh...

I love you, too.

Fuck.

Hey, I do the same thing.

Hey.

Decided to read it.

I welcome the distraction from my own shittiness today.

♪ You never wanted love ♪

♪ Someone said boy ♪

I'm just saying. Toilet paper should be literally any other color than white.

Like even an off-white would be better.

Right?

It's like, I don't know, a nice cornsilk.

Yeah, or eggshell.

Here comes the rain.

Man, the hammock is very rom-com cliched

- in this situation, do you not think? - Hmm.

- This is! - Oh, my God, oh!

You! Ah!

I love you.

I know, you said that.

- Inside. - Inside, okay.

Come on.

Is it "lays" or "lies?"

"He lays" or "he lies?"

You're aware this game has nothing to do

with proper grammar, right?

It's just spelling.

Yeah, no, I know.

I can't spell it anyway. I've got something else.

Dinner's ready!

Sorry.

You look great.

So.

Never like toasts.

L'chaim!

- Nice. - Fine.

Maybe for your birthday, I'll get a new joke.

Which is to say,

it's been a tough year for both of us,

but I'm glad that we are here, together.

I realize this is beginning to sound like

a suicide pact, so, I will say that the food

has not been poisoned.

It has however, been laced with delicious gluten,

because we are no longer in L.A.

- Thank God for that. - Yes.

Boom.

Cheers.

- Coke? - Mmm hmm.

Wow.

It's delicious.

I didn't know you could cook.

No, Dad used to be a sous chef, actually,

at a very swanky restaurant in Beverly Hills,

where all the producers ate.

No, I used to provide filling foods to people

while I wrote my first three scripts,

which were all filler.

But I got better, retained the cooking skills,

proving it is important...

to not be...

all in on only one thing.

Oh.

Dad, that was amazing.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm going to have to take after you

and become a writer who cooks,

instead of a one-dimensional writer who just

you know, writes.

Hales, go, go, go, go, uh, find us a movie to watch

while Cole and I do something not all

surprising or commemorative for your birthday.

Right.

Read your script.

Oh, wow, jeez. Thank you.

You're talented is what I would say

if you were talented...

and you are, so, you're talented.

Almost everything...

I've read from people of your age

is worse than this which is definitely a good thing.

I liked that you didn't go down the, uh,

obvious path with what you set up.

Dialogue was crisp and witty.

Yeah, I think it's a really great script,

and it's actually quite filmable if I could

just get it to the right...

Could use some tweaks

is what Greg would say.

Greg is Rob's assistant.

Rob is my agent or my agent's agent

or let's see that makes Dave my agent, so,

is Dave Mitch's manager's assistant manager.

Hmm.

You know, we, uh, we actually, we don't have to talk about it.

Sure.

All of your characters are unlikeable.

Well, people aren't necessarily likable in the real world.

And the ending, just unsatisfying.

There's no, nothing's resolved.

Well, I mean, that's life, right?

Don't always get things wrapped up

the way that we want.

Little commercialism wouldn't kill you, hmm?

You know, re-write it, give a similar root for

and, uh, I don't know, maybe, uh, a win in the end.

That's really great advice.

Thanks again for reading it, honestly.

Happy ending, yeah.

You ever think that maybe you're just a part of the old guard?

You know? I mean, movies are made differently now.

Oh, yes, I hear everyone's dying to see the new YouTube short shot entirely from a smart pack.

And when your generation dies out, no offense,

we'll be able to make movies that don't follow the same sick story lines.

No one ever says no offense and then

says something like, "I love cinnamon buns."

Now that is a sentence that truly means no offense.

- You know, I just don't think you get it. - I get it.

- You're kind of unlikeable. - I said I it was pretty good.

- Pretty good means fuck all to me. - Your fuck all means what to me?

Sorry, because I'm old and my generation needs to die out

- so, fuck, fuck all? - You know what?

It's fine. You're allowed to not like the script, it's just I can't help but wonder

how you would feel about it if you read it when you weren't drunk

- or on whatever drugs you're doing. - I'm not on drugs.

Oh, maybe that's it, then.

Because I'm realizing as I say it out loud

that your best work actually came when you were stoned.

It's when you got clean that the creativity kind of went away.

You are kind of a piece of shit.

Like I see where you got inspiration for your main character.

I could write it the way that you want it, but then I'd just

be another Michael Burwell, wouldn't I?

Isn't that what you want? I mean,

you gave me the fucking script.

You.

Maybe I am like you.

But you know what? You really treat her like crap.

I mean, you sneak around, talking shit,

lying about being sober?

I don't suppose that the fact that her last name

is Burwell made you like her just a fraction more than you would have?

She knows that we got together so I could meet you.

She knows that and she didn't care.

Of course.

Because it doesn't matter where we move.

This is going to keep happening.

Oh!

Hey, we got you a cake.

What are you talking about?

Obviously, this is the ending I deserve!

It was always heading this way

and to think I was good enough to write myself out of this.

Well, I guess I really am unlikeable.

No, I don't, what are you...

I'm not going to do this again.

Cole, what?

Shit, we cut the cake before we lit the candles.

Dreamy ice creamy, remember that, Hales?

Where's that from?

Is that from anything?

That was from nothing.

Well, let us eat cake. Where's that from?

Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

Is it your family motive to play off

every fatal flaw like a fun quirk?

Haley, kick me out! I'm toxic.

I'm just going to keep fucking lying to you,

so force me out of your life, otherwise,

I'm just going to keep coming back.

- What did you do? - Your dad read my script.

He asked and I answered.

I really was here for you, I was, I just, I...

And I wanted it to be as good as I thought it was, but...

That script is all I have.

No.

No, you're not allowed to say that.

You're not allowed to do that, okay?

If you think that you can just erase me,

you can't do that, okay?

That's just every nightmare I've ever had.

Yeah, I am a nightmare.

You know what? You don't have to kick me out. I'm going.

♪ Take a step ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Take a step ♪

♪ And don't look back ♪

♪ Don't look back ♪

♪ Watching minutes slip away ♪

♪ Thinking things I'll never say ♪

♪ I know I've got to make a change ♪

♪ Because I can't waste another day ♪

♪ Because I been waiting ♪

♪ But I can't stay ♪

♪ I'm waiting ♪

To me being a fucking asshole.

I wouldn't even cheers to that.

You don't have to cheers to it. It's just a thing.

You're asshole-ish, because you're oblivious, but,

I wouldn't say in the eight years I've know you you've ever been

like, a full asshole, not on purpose.

Yeah, well.

Things changed this summer.

You leaving already?

You were really caught up in Haley and...

things were moving fast and I just figured

why wait?

So, uhm...

yeah, tomorrow night now.

The guy, roommate.

Look, you aimed for something instead of staying still, so,

points for that.

Well, my aim was off.

Look, when I called you

asshole-ish, I...

I don't even think you're that, man. You're just...

Cole, which...

I think is...

decent.

Decent.

We root for decent people to find each other

and fall in love, that's what?

Lesson one of Screenwriting 101?

You give the audience what they want.

So why can't I do that?

I think because you get in your own way.

You over-complicate things when

there's a simpler solution right in front of you.

See, this feels like real life.

I'm thinking, just...

I don't know.

It feels...

Right.

It's weird that's you. You're the protagonist.

You just got all these stories going on.

If I was the protagonist,

would you root for me?

I have been rooting for you...

in one way or another...

for a very long time.

Who knows what that means?

You've been rooting for me for a long time.

You want pajama bottoms?

I think I know what that means.

You're a scheming piece of shit.

We learned from the same films.

I'm not gay.

You're not straight.

Do you know the way you look at me?

The way we talk?

I just thought dating this girl would finally...

Okay.

I'm an asshole, too.

I guess, uhm...

everybody's got a plan.

Another drink?

What do you do?

It's just I've got some good ideas.

I want to channel them while I still feel like crap.

Just because you know, I'm hangover.

Yeah, well, make sure you drink lots of water.

Yeah?

Is that a drinking tip people know?

Yeah, people who've been drinking for longer than six weeks.

Well...

See you to...

No, you're leaving tonight, shit.

All right, well just, uh, text me and I'll,

I'll come back and say, you know.

Yeah. And I'm...

It'd be nice if you said you know.

♪ I feel the lines ♪

♪ The timed designs ♪

♪ The charter map ♪

♪ Across your face ♪

♪ With every smile ♪

♪ They built their mile ♪

♪ And with each tear ♪

♪ At twice the pace ♪

♪ We were young a year ago ♪

♪ That's all it takes, that's all it takes ♪

♪ We were young a year ago ♪

♪ Is it too late is it too late ♪

♪ The second hand ♪

♪ Comes 'round again ♪

♪ It lives to pass ♪

♪ And will not land ♪

♪ It is our fate ♪

- ♪ With each new day ♪ - You're a walking cliché.

♪ The hourglass ♪

♪ Becomes the sand ♪

♪ We were young a year ago ♪

♪ That's all it takes that's all it takes ♪

♪ We were young a year ago ♪

♪ Is it too late is it too late ♪

♪ We were young a year ago ♪

♪ That's all it takes that's all it takes ♪

♪ We were young a year ago ♪

♪ Is it too late is it too late ♪

Hi, hey.

I have a reservation for the time loop at eight.

You are three minutes late.

Got to respect the room.

Guess that's not a snake petting zoo, huh?

I was hoping you wouldn't come.

So then why did you?

To see if movie endings really do exist.

So now you want a movie ending?

Well, this isn't a movie ending, you know.

A movie ending would have been you not showing up.

I came here hoping that you wouldn't,

because that would have meant that you had moved on.

Or maybe I just wanted to see you.

Well, then we really are perfect for each other,

because you do stupid things over and over again, too.

Yeah, there's a word for that.

"We can't return. We can only look behind from where we came."

I never said that I wanted to return.

Then why are you here?

I'm here because I have problems, so.

I'm not here to diagnose you, but I think your dad

has a lot to do with why you think you're messed up.

Okay, Cole. How'd you find me, huh?

By being a selfish creep.

No, no, how'd you find me?

I stalked you.

Because I let you.

Why do you think I came out for air that night at graduation?

Who actually does that?

There's tons of air inside.

But I saw you having none of it.

I guess you looked lonely, so.

So, I went outside and I stoked the coals.

Flames, what...

I made a fucked up plan.

Yeah, and I left you clues along the way.

I constantly posted where I was.

You know what's really screwed up is that

I saw you following me before the bakery

and I was thrilled because somehow that meant

that I was less alone.

Why not just give me your phone number at graduation, then?

Why not just be normal about it?

Look I... Neither of us are normal.

Is there a six digit code on the posters behind you, there?

Yeah.

1-2-0-1-1-7.

Why didn't I give you my number?

Because I wanted you to find me.

I wanted you to prove that you wanted me.

Because goddammit, I am so sick and tired

of just being obsessed with people

that aren't obsessed with me back.

Well, I'm sorry I was obsessed for the wrong reason.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it the right reason.

I'm sorry.

Well, thanks.

For your apology, anyway.

For what it's worth, when I said I loved you,

I really wanted to mean that.

It's just not how I'm written.

I can't have that standard happy ending with you,

because I'm...

It's not who I'm meant to be.

And we're back where we started.

Yep, symbolic, no?

Hey, you know that word?

The one for doing stupid things over and over again?

It's "addiction."

So, you're right.

I am messed up because of my dad.

He's addicted to drugs and alcohol.

I'm addicted... to people.

And that's why I'm here right now,

because I wanted to see if you'd be here, too.

It's like the final pill in the bottle.

It's closure.

I just really need

to close this circle so I can finally step out of it.

Well, that sounds, uh...

Like a really good ending.

♪ Yesterday ♪

♪ A child came out to wander ♪

♪ Caught a dragonfly inside a jar ♪

♪ Fearful when the sky was full of thunder ♪

♪ And tearful at the falling of a star ♪

♪ And seasons they go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down ♪

♪ We're captive on the carousel of time ♪

♪ We can't return ♪

♪ We can only look behind from where we came ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

♪ Sixteen springs and sixteen summers gone now ♪

♪ Cartwheels turned to car wheels ♪

♪ Through the town ♪

♪ And they tell him take your time ♪

♪ It won't be long now ♪

♪ 'Till you drag your feet to slow the circles down ♪

♪ And the seasons they go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down ♪

♪ We're captive on the carousel of time ♪

♪ We can't return We can only look behind from where we came ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

♪ So the years spin by and now the boy is 20 ♪

♪ Though his dreams have lost some grandeur ♪

♪ Coming true ♪

♪ They'll be new dreams ♪

♪ Maybe better dreams and plenty ♪

♪ Before the last revolving year is through ♪

♪ And the seasons they go round and round ♪

♪ And the painted ponies go up and down ♪

♪ We're captive on the carousel of time ♪

♪ We can't return We can only look behind from where we came ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

♪ And go round and round and round ♪

♪ In the circle game ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

♪ All those blissful days ♪

♪ That we kissed and waved ♪

♪ Looking back tonight ♪

♪ I was half alive ♪

♪ Growing older now ♪

♪ And not coming down right ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ All I did was run ♪

♪ And the man I was ♪

♪ What has he become ♪

♪ And it's all ♪

♪ Catching up to me ♪

♪ Looking back tonight ♪

♪ I was half alive ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ And the man I was ♪

♪ What has he become ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ And it's all ♪

♪ Catching up to me ♪

♪ And it's all ♪

♪ Catching up to me ♪

♪ You got love You fall down 'til you can't stand up ♪

♪ It's all ♪

♪ You fall down and it's catching up to me ♪

♪ Catching up to me ♪

♪ And it's all ♪

♪ Catching up to me ♪